Happy New Year! Today’s a day of new beginnings. The old year has washed away, and the new year is upon us. Let’s start the new year by putting great sex at the top of the list! And here are 9 great sex tips for HER to help you do that!
Maybe last year was tough. You were busy. You were tired. Your libido wasn’t great. You got into a rut. Sex became boring.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, and now’s the time to start fresh! Usually on this blog I give relationship advice, but today I’m going to steer more towards highly practical tips on how to make sex feel great for HER–the wife. We women sometimes have a more difficult time enjoying sex, so I’m going to give some specific tips on how to get those fireworks.
So here goes!
Great Sex Tips for Her #1: Try a New Position
Sometimes we get into a rut and we’re afraid to try something new. But new positions can make things feel more exciting.
I have one particular position I stick with for two main reasons: it tends to feel the best, and it’s really cold in the winter and I don’t like getting out of the covers! But there’s an easy way to deal with that. Get a space heater for your bedroom and turn it on when you’re getting ready to make love. Then the fear of being cold won’t hold you back as much.
And if you have an easier time reaching orgasm in one position (most women do), that’s no reason not to try other positions as foreplay. Moving around during sex, and changing positions, has several benefits: it helps him last longer; it helps increase the excitement factor; it helps you keep your mind on what’s going on (since we women are notorious for our minds drifting during sex).
A new position can honestly feel great! So try it. Get on top. Move your legs around and find a good angle. Or whatever works for you! Make it your goal this New Year’s that AT LEAST every third time you make love you’ll use at least 3 positions. So maybe two times are fun and simple, but the spice the third time up. Go 3 in 3!
Great Sex Tips for Her #2: Tilt Your Pelvis
Here’s something I talked at length about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: for women to reach an orgasm, we have to have our the clitoris stimulated in some way. Normal missionary position sex doesn’t tend to do this. But with one simple trick you can make it so much better. Just tilt your pelvis up (like squeeze your butt muscles, and your pelvis will tilt forward). When you do this, you make the angle better, so that when he’s thrusting he will hit your clitoris. But you also “engage” that little bit of flesh yourself because the tilting actually squeezes the clitoris. Seriously. Just try it right now–tilt your pelvis. Feel the difference?
You can do this in any position and enhance the pleasure, but often you have to actually get the position to work first before you tilt, or he’ll have a hard time entering you.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Great Sex Tips for Her #3: Start with a Massage
Here’s one of course you’ll agree with: start sex with a massage. Keep some massage oil in the bedside table, or a massage candle, and start by massaging each other’s backs and legs. The benefits? It helps you relax first so that you can get rid of all the pinballs in your head of all the things you’re thinking about from the day. Also, if you massage naked, it’s very sensual, and it can get the libido going. It’s just a good transition time, and we’re more likely to get “warmed up” with a massage. It shows he cares, it helps our bodies relax, and it helps us calm down mentally, too.
Great Sex Tips for Her #4: Play Teacher
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you understand each other sexually. What feels good to one person does not necessarily feel good to another. And men tend to like being touched very differently than women do (men like things rougher and more deliberate; women tend to like things lighter). Also, just because something is an erotic zone does not mean that it wants to be touched all the time. For instance, many women don’t like their breasts touched roughly at all, or even handled that much, but when they’re highly aroused all of a sudden it’s exciting. So we’re different, and we like specific things.
Take a session or two where you play teacher. Tell him exactly what to do, like he is a pupil and he has to do everything you say. Pay attention to your body, and ask him to do anything you want. You can even be quite demanding! Then the next time turn the tables and let him be teacher. You just may learn a lot about each other.
It’s good to do this at least once a year, because hormonal changes will often affect what we want. We may think we’ve lost our libido when really our body has just changed and responds to different things now.
Great Sex Tips for Her #5: Think Pressure, not Friction
Men tend to feel aroused by friction–he likes the rubbing back and forth. That can be pleasurable for women, too, but what really tends to help us is pressure–pressure on the clitoris, but also the pressure of feeling “full”.
Instead of thrusting all the way out and all the way in, then, try for part of making love to get him as deep as possible and and thrust only a little bit, so that the pressure is quite intense all the time. To help this, try wrapping your legs around him, or even have him kneel while you lie down to help him go deeper. Other positions, like having you lie on your stomach while he lies on top of you, can help with pressure, too.
Note: for many women this is something which changes after childbirth. Before childbirth, pressure isn’t as great a turnon. After childbirth it is, because we’re a lot looser. So if you haven’t had any babies yet, this may not be as big a one for you.
Great Sex Tips for Her #6: Squeeze
To get that same feeling of pressure, try squeezing him while he’s inside you. That’s not as hard as it sounds. You use your Kegel muscles (the ones on the wall of vagina). They’re the same muscles that are engaged if you stop the flow of urine on the toilet. Do that a few times and you’ll feel what muscles I mean. Then try the same squeezing when you’re making love. This helps with that “pressure” feeling for you, and helps him feel great, too!
Great Sex Tips for Her #7: Use Lubricant
Seriously. It’s not a failure on your part if you need to use lubricant. It often enhances the pleasure right away. You may not need it all the time, but most women fluctuate through the month with their ability to get aroused quickly, and with the amount of lubrication we naturally produce. Some nights may be great, and others may not. Menopause or breastfeeding and pregnancy throw another wrench in the whole thing. Lubricant can help you get a leg up, so to speak, so that sex is arousing right away.
Great Sex Tips for Her #8: More Foreplay–And I’m Talking to You, Women!
Think of foreplay not as something that he does to you, but as something that you BOTH do. If you can become active BEFORE you start making love, you’ll find yourself much more aroused. Rub yourself against him. Climb on top of him and feel him. Take his hand and put it where you want it to go. Circle your hips and help him. If you’re lying there while he touches you, you can start to feel embarrassed, or bored, or nervous. If you’re engaged in the process, it’s more exciting for both of you.
Great Sex Tips for Her #9: No More Erotica or Porn
If you want sex to feel amazing, you need to be aroused by your husband ONLY, and not be fantasizing about something else in your head. The more you watch porn or read erotica, or the more he does, the more sex isn’t about any kind of spiritual intimacy, but it’s just about using each other. That ends up feeling cheap and impersonal.
And the best sex isn’t sex that’s “enhanced” by porn (one of the effects of porn is lower sexual pleasure); it’s sex when you feel very loved. Commitment is the best aphrodisiac. If you want more information about this, check out this ebook by Covenant Eyes about what sex does to your brain.
So let’s make a New Year’s Resolution for No More Boring Sex this year! Sex is so wonderful: it unites you not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Get rid of anything that robs you of that, and then decide that it’s going to be something fun that you both enjoy this year. It’s time for a new start; take it!
In fact, today’s a great day to launch into my book 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s January 1, and it’s the beginning of the year, so why not ask him if he’ll join you? It’s got exercises that will help you talk about what you want, help you flirt more, and help you connect. And, of course, there are days that help it feel great and spice things up, too. Pick it up today!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great article! Here’s to a hot 2014!
Why do I get so triggered when anyone says having kids makes you more loose? I am so self conscious about this every time I have another baby. So scared ill be broken or ruined or my husband wont want to have sex with me
I LOVE that you are willing to give specific, helpful tips. Thank you for encouraging marriages in this way. Looking forward to a great year in 2014! And to many more couples discovering how great sex can be in their marriage.
These are some really good tips and many women can definitely say that they would make a positive difference in their sex life. I particularly liked the one of playing teacher. I know my husband would love that lesson as much as I would. This is a great start to the new year.
Great post! Any couple who worked on all of this should see her enjoying sex a great deal more.
#5 is one every man needs to be told until he gets it!
This is awesome. Just awesome. Thanks!!!
You’re so welcome! And Happy New Year, Bethany! Nice to see you here again.
This is wonderful. I believe God has put this in your heart to help couple
Can’t wait to share these tips with my husband. Years of infertility turned our sex life upside down and we are just now finally getting a good spin on it again 🙂
Here’s a great post I wrote about 7 years of marriage for us.
http://ourmagicalchaos.com/a-stainless-steel-marriage/
Way to go! I wish you both all the best for the new year!
Interesting article. I would like to point out however that not EVERY woman *has* to have clitoral stimulation during sex to reach an orgasm. Some actually prefer their clitoris to NOT be touched at all during the actual PIV act, finding the pressure (or wrong technique) thoroughly offputting. Yes, this leads straight to your ‘be a teacher’ entry. The way to find out is at actually talk to your other half about what is and isn’t good for (both of) you. Likewise, men aren’t always rough brutal creatures. They also enjoy light touching and caressing.
I’d also like to mention that ‘start sex with a massage’ is misleading. It leads to many implications that massage is ONLY about sex. How many women have been offered a massage and known it was offered just to get her in to bed? I’d say there were plenty. Instead, make it a point to have NON-sexual massage. Although women should understand that the man may not stay flaccid, and that that isn’t always a sign of imminent sex. It means he is enjoying himself and thoroughly immersed in the act of touching and connection. If you end up having sex from it, great! if not, you have spent quality time with your SO with no expectations. If the woman thinks the man will automatically want sex, perhaps try it when PIV sex isn’t an option (during a period), assuming that both parties are ok with this.
Sheila was using the starting with a massage as a way to enhance sexual pleasure for the woman. She’s not just talking about massage in a relationship – she’s talking specifically about times when you will be making love with your spouse. So it’s not really misleading when you’re doing it to start off things. And I also don’t think she’s insinuating men are rough brutal creatures.
Great tips Sheila – thanks for being practical and showing us some ways we can enhance our own pleasure with our husbands! 🙂
Hey, anytime my husband wants to treat me to a massage, I welcome anything else that it might lead to 😉
I meant to comment on this last week and then the week got away from me. I really appreciate that you are willing to get a bit “graphic” and share some specifics. It really is helpful and appreciated.
Here’s to a great, sexy 2014!
So what are wives to do when our husbands have a completely insatiable appetite for sex? I have really tried to keep up but there are other factors that have just been all in the way. 1) Pregnancy and then our son. 2) Having my mother in the same house for the last several months and she has no problem snatching open a bedroom door! 3) I have been going through a serious depression because I abhor change and, even though I do take an anti depressant, it isn’t a magic pill. 4) With everything going on, it seems as if my sex drive has run away screaming!
I have no idea if this has a thing to do with anything, but I have had people tell me that Hispanic men (Angel is from Mexico) have a sex drive that is permanently stuck in ‘Too much is not enough’ gear. This seems to be the case here. For him, it is an Every. Single. Day thing! Not only that, but even after he works 12 & 16 hours, he is more than willing to have sex two and sometimes three times a night! I have tried to tell him that I just can’t keep up with that, that it actually makes me sore and that it will sometimes make me resent even hearing the WORD ‘sex’. What am I supposed to do about that? I hope that you see this and can answer because this is developing into a serious issue in our home but mostly in my heart and mind!
Hi Beth!
I really hope Sheila sees this post… I know there are several articles on her blog addressing this kind of issue, but I hope she can give you some deeper advice. My father is also Hispanic, and he had a similar drive and my mother would get very frustrated. Once I was an adult she shared some of her struggles.
Firstly, I would say to get a lock on that door, sister! And if Momma is staying with you, she needs to respect certain boundaries. So, make clear what those boundaries are. Your Personal bedroom is totally off limits to anyone except you and your husband. If you’ve spoken to her respectfully and she’s still not being respectful, at least you will have a lock on the door. And ask your husband to confront her in it. My father had an issue with putting his Mother ahead of his wife. It took a lot of discussion for him to realize how wrong an attitude that was, and I hope you don’t have to deal with it.
As far as the amount of lovemaking he wants to engage in… I’m way outta my deapth there. Maybe you could have a bit of a schedule? At least for a little while. That way he can look forward to making love because he knows it’s a sure thing, and you get a break, so you can also look forward to intimacy because you are more rested.
Third, thank you for being open about the medication you are taking. One of the side effects of many antidepressants can be a lowered libido, but from what you’ve mentioned,it seems like on your end, stress is more the problem. However, you may want to discuss it with your doctor if you are worried.
Finally, I cannot stress the importance of communication. Have you had a serious discussion about how the constant demand is affecting you? It may be that he really doesn’t realize how much stress you are under and how his drive is just compounding the issue. Most husbands are willing to help solve problems, but don’t pick up “subtle cues” that well. If you come to him with the problem, try to offer some options that he can do to help. Then ask if he will think about the problem too, and come up with some solutions on his own that you can discuss at a later date – and schedule that discussion! Hopefully he’ll be willing to come to a compromise that allows you both to be satisfied.
Dear Beth,
My husband and I had this issue when we first got married. Men see sex as a stress releaser, but for women it is usually more work and if we’re stressed about it we can’t enjoy it. My mother also lives with us, as I am her caregiver. She has dementia. So we have a lock on our bedroom door, and we have openly talked and agreed on frequency. Having a plan is a good idea, then there are reasonable expectations for both partners. Usually I put a movie in for mom, to keep her entertained while we have our time together. And there is a do not disturb sign on the door to remind her if she comes hunting for me. You need to set boundaries for Mom, maybe mom and your son can have quality time while you and your husband have private time: to talk, have sex, read together, etc. Maybe his desire can be replaced with spending quality time with you. Just some thoughts that worked for us.
Was anyone else squeezing their buttocks while reading number 2?? ??
Number 9 is excellent and something I don’t think a lot of people understand. It’s sooo important to eliminate outside sources of arousal. Good article!!
Excellent extra practical considerations ! Thanks a mill !
You are right . If we think deep then these things make wife felling awesome .
The most likely is teacher one 😉
Thanks for sharing
I really wish we could find this sort of rhythm. I’ve tried all kinds of positions and squeezing and read so many articles my eyes go crossed. I so want to enjoy sex with my husband but even after 10 years it’s blah. No “grand finale”. Why is it so hard??
So apparently I’m supposed to talk to him about what I want? I blush just thinking about that! How can a nearly 40-year-old who’s shy in general and easily embarrassed and taught all her growing up years that sex isn’t something we talk about, actually talk to her (my) husband about sex?! How do I get over the awkwardness?? Shoot, I have a hard enough time talking to my doctor about anything related to “that” area of the body (medically), I feel so awkward even thinking about talking about what I want! He will sometimes ask what I want but I just end up avoiding the question because it’s so awkward for me! How do I get over that?!
Oh, Jen, that’s so tough! And that’s honestly why I do what I do. Because I think so many women feel exactly the same way that you do! I have some tips on that in this post on how to tell your husband what you want in bed. Some of them may work even if you’re really shy (at least I hope they will!). I think the big thing is to keep the bigger picture in mind: what are you aiming for in your marriage? And if you know you want to get there–if you know that’s a priority–then you’ll make it happen. So just keep thinking about that bigger picture!
I think my husband has this problem! On one particular occasion, I asked him how he likes for me to touch his penis. I kid you not, he said “I don’t know.”(!!!) I’d tried a few times before to get him to play teacher without success. Finally I blurted out “It’s YOURS! You’ve had it for 40+ years! How can you not know?!”
Bottom line: After nearly 8 years of marriage I still mostly feel like I’m literally fumbling around in the dark by guess and by gasp, as it were. But he is slowly, micro-incrementally getting better at telling me how to please him. One thing that helped was a session where I sat at his feet and said (sweetly and seductively)”Tell me what to do, and tell me how. I’ll do whatever you want, but you have to tell me what that is and how you like it. Until you do, I’m sitting right here.” Again, tone is key here! Playful and flirtatious, not frustrated and sulky.
I think, if he keeps being reticent, I may blindfold myself and have him guide me through by touch and verbal cues. He can be self-conscious and seems more comfortable talking about stuff like this when I can’t see him. Maybe you could flip roles and see if these work for you?
And Sheila, if you have a post on how I can make things amazing for him, or your male readers do, I would welcome those suggestions! (Not that he’s complaining!😂)
For me I’ve found guiding him to be easier for me than talking. I will gently move his hands to where feels best. I will rub the back of his hands with the pressure and rhythm that feel best at the moment. Once he “gets it” I go back to focusing on him until he needs a little more guidance. I’ve been doing this for almost a year now and my husband has learned so much about what feels good for me that I don’t have to do much guiding anymore!
Finally, I cannot stress the importance of communication. Have you had a serious discussion about how the constant demand is affecting you? It may be that he really doesn’t realize how much stress you are under and how his drive is just compounding the issue.
Why do I get so triggered when anyone says having kids makes you more loose? I am so self conscious about this every time I have another baby. So scared ill be broken or ruined or my husband wont want to have sex with me