Should you be upset if your husband talks to his ex-wife?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that may pose more difficulties around Christmas, when we’re more likely to talk to people we haven’t seen in a while. A woman asks: my husband is texting his ex-wife. Don’t I have a right to be upset?
Reader Question
My husband and his first wife divorced after they’d been married for 5 years. They didn’t have any kids, but they just wanted different things out of life (she’s climbing the corporate ladder and my husband is a contractor). She left him.
But now she likes to call him “just to check in”. They text quite a bit and talk on the phone. She lives in another state and they don’t see each other. I think she’s just lonely, and he still says that she’s one of his closest friends. It just really bugs me. I know there’s nothing going on, but I find myself getting really irritated at him whenever she texts and then I clam up and give him the silent treatment. I know I should just get over it, but don’t you think there’s something weird about still being best friends with your ex-wife?
I had another email recently from a woman in a similar situation. Her husband had dated a girl for three years in high school. He then went on to marry his now-wife. But the former girlfriend is still in their social circle, and the two of them talk all the time. Again, she doesn’t think there’s anything going on, but it makes her feel uncomfortable.
Are there rules for how to talk to your exes?
That’s a thorny one, isn’t it? When I asked on Facebook recently, someone else said that her husband’s ex had married his best friend, so the four of them were always together, and she really didn’t like it. Is she being ridiculous to make an issue out of it?
My husband and I both dated other people all through high school. My husband has stayed in contact with many of his high school friends more than I have, and I’ve never particularly felt warmly towards any of them, though there is one that I’ve developed a nice online friendship with. But it is awkward, isn’t it?
Here’s the problem: all this baggage and broken hearts isn’t really supposed to happen. We’re not supposed to give away our hearts to someone who isn’t our spouse, and we aren’t supposed to divorce. Hearts are funny things. We do become entangled with other people that we date, and it’s hard to break that.
Here are some general rules that I would put in place in any marriage regarding the opposite sex:
1. No Social Texting/Phone Calls with Members of the Opposite Sex – Including Exes
Things that look innocent can often become something else. Texting can be dangerous. Even with work, I’d suggest only texting when it’s absolutely imperative, and trying to keep those texts to a minimum, and always business related. In general, men shouldn’t be texting other women, and women shouldn’t be texting other men.
This would definitely include one’s ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, but it would also apply once you’re married with someone who is “just friends”. Once you’re married, friends of the opposite sex should be friends of BOTH of you, not just you. So if your husband’s best friend was a girl, he should now really only see her when you are also there.
That may sound like I’m being overly strict, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone who is married to be talking to someone of the opposite sex for companionship or friendship. That’s what a spouse is for, and that’s what same-sex friends are for. Even if you mean it absolutely innocently, you don’t know what the other person is thinking. And when you do have trouble in your marriage, you don’t want to be talking to someone of the opposite sex about it.
So I’d tell the woman in the first email that she insist that her husband cut off contact with the ex-wife. Sure that’s hard. He shared so much with her, and they were great friends. But that relationship ended, and he has to let it end and turn to his wife for friendship.
Hearts are funny things. We do become entangled with other people that we date, and it’s hard to break that.
2. Don’t Blame Your Husband for Things That Have Been Over for Years
I’d say something very different to the woman whose husband’s best friend married her husband’s ex. Her husband dated a girl, but that relationship didn’t last. They both decided that they didn’t want to marry each other, and they both chose other people. Yes, it’s awkward to see her all the time, but it would also be awkward to tell your husband he couldn’t get together with his best friend anymore, or to have him have to explain to his best friend that his wife is jealous.
As long as you are doing things in a large group, I think you have to let it go, providing you do believe that the relationship is over. You really can’t keep blaming him for things he did before you were married, especially since he chose you.
If part of the problem was that their relationship was sexual, I did write a post on how to get over your husband’s sexual past. That is a tough one. But if he is not currently doing anything wrong, or having any sort of inappropriate relationship, I think being jealous and asking him to end an important friendship is over the top.
Instead, work on your relationship so you do know that he loves you. Work at making the marriage the best it can be. And here’s a tough one: work at befriending his ex. If you still live in the same town where your husband grew up, chances are there will be “exes” in your social circle. The best way to handle it is to embrace them and get to know them, rather than setting up this weird dynamic where it’s obvious you’re jealous (which often gives that relationship renewed energy and spark, even if they haven’t thought of each other that way in years).
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
3. If She’s Pursuing Him, Put an End to It
However, let’s be honest. Some women really are on the hunt for a new relationship, and sometimes we do pick up on that. If there’s a woman who seems to be after your husband, tell him. Ask him to avoid her. And then do your best to stick as close to her as possible, so that she knows that there’s no room for anything happening.
In some cases this may be a social circle that’s easy to leave (like simply stop going to the high school reunions). In others (work, church) it’s not as easy. In that case, just stick close, tell your husband, and even have a frank talk with her if possible.
Relationships are just really messy and our pasts are often messy. But remember: he chose you and you chose him. Those other women don’t matter. And if you keep your marriage fresh, those women are quite unlikely to have any power over him anyway. So let it go where you can, and enforce strict boundaries where necessary.
Want more information? Here are some other posts that may help:
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, though. Have you ever been in a social circle with your husband’s ex? Has an ex ever tried to communicate with your husband? How did this work, and how did you handle it? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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“So I’d tell the woman in the first email that she insist that her husband cut off contact with the ex-wife.” I am not sure a wife should ever insist anything from her husband. She can ask that he not have any contact with the ex-wife but insisting something from him is treating him as a child and not an adult even if he is in the wrong. After asking him once, she needs to commit to praying about it consistently. The Lord is much better at convicting and changing our husbands than we are. We just damage the marriage when we try and control our spouse’s behavior. The only behavior we can change is our own. I love where you write, “Instead, work on your relationship so you do know that he loves you. Work at making the marriage the best it can be.” Great advice! We need to simply put our focus and energy into becoming the wife that God wants us to be and let Him deal with our husbands.
Hi…..I am currently dealing with this issue….My husband says that he and his ex-wife still talk…He says that there is nothing wrong with him communicating by text or phone with his e-wife. What I find puzzling about this situation is that this is the same woman he tried to work things out with, this is the same woman who dogged him to his children when he was an alcholic, and this is the same woman who hurt him by cheating with another man and he caught them. Now, I’m not saying that he should not forgive her, he already did that, but I don’t think that he should continue a relationship where she is asking him about dating other men, texting several times a week. I believe ex- is just that ex….I have only been married to him for 7 months and we dated for 2 years and 6 mos. He was struggling with alcholism then, and I stuck with him, helped him get help, and he gave his life back to Christ…I just don’t understand why he seems to think there is nothing wrong with this, and says there’s nothing in the Bible that says he shouldn’t talk to his ex-wife. He says that he should be free and not in bondage when talking tot he opposite sex. I love him deeply, and prayed and accepted him back in my life and he then became my husband, but it seems he is not intimate with me since we married. Thanks God for the person who said…God can do a better job with your husband than you can…but do I leave it at that and not concern myself that he could be walking into a trap….Since he straighten his life up and is trying to walk a Christian walk, all of a sudden the ex seems to see all the “good” in him….Am I being too paranoid, help me, I really need prayer.
You’re not his wife,. You’re the counterfeit second wife. Technically you don’t even count. What he should be doing is going home and you should encourage it. He doesn’t belong to you.
Nice
Lauren his wife cheated! He is allowed to get a divorce and is allowed to move on. He had the option of giving his first wife a second chance but he doesn’t have to. As long as he never cheated on his first wife and his first marriage was well and truly over when he moved on, then his second marriage is just as real as his first. There is a huge difference between someone who is cheated on getting a divorce and remarrying versus someone who does the cheating getting a divorce and remarrying.
Yes, absolutely, Butterflywings. Nice to see you here again today, by the way!
Maybe so….but Iam married a man who cheated….supposedly she was awful to him. ….i met him two years after they divorced…lived cross country ..dated three years while they lived in same neighborhood across country from me…so three years they could have worked it out….didn’t …Four years dating and we married….ten years ago .(14 yrs with him)…they talked everyday” because kids”….kids now in their twenties21, 25, 29…..they are still calling texting……İ don’t care what you say….he is my husband and they should not be chatting at this point in time…….İT REALLY HURTS ME….am I Wrong to feel this way????
Bingo!
There is no such thing as a “Biblical” divorce. When you marry someone, and neither has any living “former” spouses, it is FOR LIFE.
So I’m all for him getting back with his covenant wife.
Are you for real? Who made you a sovereign judge?
So Lori, if your husband is sleeping with another woman, you won’t “insist” that he stop???
Hi There: I read your comment on a spouse texting another woman as a friend. My husband is doing this and thinks nothing is wrong with it. He says I cannot tell him who to talk to and nothing is going on; it’s just small talk. I’ve told him that I don’t agree with his texting or calling other women. I believe that an emotional attachment begins and sometimes there is no way to turn back. He always says it takes two to cheat, but I have had some close calls with him in the past. My husband gets very angry because he thinks I’m trying to tell him who to talk to and communicate with. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of confronting him about it….we’ve come a long way in our relationship, and this hurdle is one I don’t know how to get past. What are your thoughts?
I think your husband is trying you…husband’s get away with as much as a wife let’s him.
He seems to hate you telling him or to suggest to him , to stop. So it really comes down to if he respects you ….
It may not be anything to his actions , yet! When a man has a wife or the other way around. ..respect is needed….it’s not about him only. It is causing problems. Divorces means … done
Jennifer, we are married to the same type of man…. I wish we could talk in person.
my husband say because i have to talk to my kids father that its ok to talk to his ex even though they have no kids… he didnt tell me i found out when I went to his email to get a refrence page for a job…. In addition both times he reached out to her were times we were not on good terms. i am due to have his son in 4 weeks not to mention he is physically and emontionally abusive…. i am so over it ….. should i reach out to the ex? i have her email…
Leave him. He is totally not committed to you. How horrible you just feel. So vunerable and Alone. I’ve been there. And you are pregnant. I will pray for you. I think you should reach out to the ex. Maybe she can share similar experiences with you about him. He may be this way with everyone. You are worth more than to be with an abusive person. Especially if they are reaching out to their ex. Horrible
i am one of you ladys
Ask him if it would be ok if YOU did the same as well! Betcha he’ll sing a different tune!
I have been married for just over 2 years. Been together for 8 years. Both of us been married before! He had been single for 20 years. This woman an ex from 20 some years ago. Found him on facebook. He told me at first and showed me her pic. They didn’t talk Alot at first but I see in call log phone call after phone call. Today they texted back and forth all day long! He will call her when I am not home or call her into we hours of morn. She lives on west coast and us central. He swears up and down they are friends and that’s it!! He had admitted recently it was easy to talk to her. We have been arguing Alot for awhile!! Claims I am the only one he loves to death and wants to be with.
This is an emotional affair. You have every right to be concerned. My husband did the same thing to me and it lasted at least a year. I found out my husband was telling this woman, who he knew from high school, all kinds of secrets about our marriage. He painted me as this terrible person controlling everything in his life. She hated me and urged him to leave me all the time. I ignored it for a while because I didn’t want to face it, but eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved in with family for 2 mos. We went to counseling. The woman disappeared. Things have been ok since but the insults against me he used to lure her still really hurt. If I was you and you know the communication is excessive, ask him to see his phone. If they are just friends he should have nothing to hide. If he refuses, there’s your answer. He’s being unfaithful to you.
This is considered emotional unfaithfulness, I would definitely get the book boundaries in marriage cause this is wrong. I would also say marriage can’t continue if he continues this behaviour
My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We both have children from past relationships. When he moved in with me, I insisted on getting to know my husband’s exes that he had children with. I wanted them to know me so that they knew the kids were safe with me. I would want to know for my own kids, but my ex never bothered to be a dad so I didn’t have to deal with it. My husband has a daughter with an ex girlfriend and two sons with his ex wife. The ex girlfriend and I became friends. She did my hair and nails, she had a younger son with a different father, and I babysat him. When my husband and I had our daughter, she called me in the hospital and told me she was thankful her daughter had me for her other mom. Then she told me “He is so in love with you. I see something in him I never saw even when I was with him.” And there was no hint of resentment. She said they made better friends than a couple. She even talked me into my lifelong dream of going to beauty school. She came to visit a few months ago and we chattered like best friends. We have a lot in common, including a daughter that we both love. The ex wife, she is OK. I don’t ever worry about her because although they are friendly toward one another, there is a lot of anger between them as well. Once I had absolutely no babysitter and asked her if she would watch our youngest. He was upset with me for that one but I told him next time he could find a babysitter. I trusted her, and he did too, but he was like “who asks their husband’s ex wife to babysit?” I guess I learned early on that there is absolutely no reason to not try to form relationships of some sort with these women. They are not just his exes, they are the mothers of three children (grown now) that I love as my own. However if he has no children with her, he has no real reason to be texting or talking to them. This became an issue for us a few years ago when his ex girlfriend found him on facebook. He had cheated with this chick on both of his exes, so I kept an eye on things. He had me set up his facebook account and is not good at remembering passwords so we picked an easy one and he never changed it. Our daughter came to me one day and said she heard her dad talking to someone on the phone. She asked him who it was and he said it was his sister. She said “mom, it didn’t sound like he was talking to his sister.” So I checked the facebook messenger…this creature was calling my husband baby, begging him to sneak away to come see her, asking him if he loved her. He told her he did. I was hot!!! So I confronted him and it caused a big fight. I told him next time, and there better not be a next time, I would confront her too. She lives near the Canada border in Idaho and we are in Southern California. I guess he stopped talking to her because the next time I checked, she was asking why he wouldn’t answer her calls, and that if she didn’t hear from him she was going to rent a car and hunt him down, and then what does she have that I don’t have. Why don’t you love me. Way to go, inviting crazy into our lives!!! Recently she tried to contact him again. He told her “I love my wife and couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. We have built a family and have worked very hard to do so. I couldn’t imagine not having them either. My life is with my family and though I care about you, what we had was a long time ago and it wasn’t really all that good, otherwise we would still be together.” I was floored. I never ever mentioned to him I read his messenger. I just told him I had this feeling. We have a lot of time and work invested in our relationship and our family. I am not going to sit by idly and watch what we have built be destroyed by the ghost of his past who comes a-haunting!!!
You’ve got it right on this subject!!!! I pray you are still doing absolutely amazing!!! You’re encouraging!
Yes she should if she wants a healthy marriage…men are not like women. In their radar when a woman is around they see breasts and bum bums first.
So sorry….i am a christian myaelf. And have to laugh at your advice. 2 years of an abestinee husband. No relief in sight. He only cares for himself. So i ask where is God. He certainly has not felt compelled to help my marriage even after all the prayer. Your words of advce i could never pass on… .when a hisband respects you as his wife j2e most certainty would not be having an emotionally intimate relationshio else where…especially shen nothing has ever been said in 11 years. You are wrong my dear… from one christian to another. Sometimes husbands are aholes who seem to care they are here gor themselves. I cannot say tje things i have been neem tokd in 5tje laat 24 hours. I have 6 years of pprayer to prove that. Sometimes life just givees us a crap samdwich amd we have to cope…otherwise we would off ours selves. Well at least i would..marriage #2 on the rocks. And i have done everything from being his friend to being his whore behind closed doors. Nothinng works so why try. God only laughs at us. I have to say is live is BS. Care for yourself mo one else will.
Okay, I politely disagree to a certain extent. I think explaining to your husband if there is massive contact if he could cut back some because it makes you uncomfortable. If you aren’t honest with your husband then how can he help any. Next, for a period of time my husband reconnected with an old girlfriend. To make it more confusing, I was a really good friend with her after they broke up in college after he and I broke up in college. He also had proposed to her and she turned him down. We later resolved our issues and have been happily married with our normal ups and downs for almost 17 years. She’s good friends with one of my cousins so for a period we did see her socially too. FOr a period, they networked together for business and stayed in generally friendly contact. She’s a nice person. I knew they weren’t a fit back “when”. It never bothered me. I’m secure in my marriage that he loves me and he’s not going elsewhere even with someone he once had emotional ties to. He’s committed to me and we went into this marriage that neither of us (discussion) ever wanted a divorce. His father left them when he was 1 year old. Some motivating factor there too. I don’t think you should demand or insist but trust your husband to do the right thing. Back off some maybe but if it’s not threatening your marriage, we are adults here who can put past “history” where it belongs…,in the past. And if it really is a good friend of your husband’s then figure out a way to become better friends yourself. Now if you are secure and really think she’s after your husband to break up your marriage or he’s not getting the emotional support from you he should, then do something about it.
I’m sorry but I totally disagree with number 1. If you can’t trust a man to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, then you shouldn’t have married him in the first place. Considering how many men cheat on their wives with MEN (and from what I’ve seen, women who cheat are even more likely to have a same sex affair than men), if you think insisting a spouse can’t have an opposite sex friend will stop them from cheating is short sighted. If a man is trustworthy, he can be trusted with anyone. If he isn’t trustworthy, he’s going to cheat with someone regardless of what restrictions you try to control him with.
My husband’s friends are nearly all female, and I have some male friends. We both completely trust each other. We just are totally honest with each other, don’t hide our communication with others of either sex, have introduced each other to our friends (in fact I think these days his female friends talk to me more than him because he isn’t good at keeping in touch and my male friends talk to him far more than he wants!).
We don’t show each other every conversation because we don’t need to. If we were dishonest people, we’re smart, we’d have the capability of hiding it, but we’re not.
People can’t assume that their spouse will just get up to no good if they’re not checked on constantly. If a person isn’t trustworthy – don’t marry them – and if you can’t learn to trust a person, then work on your own insecurity before getting married.
The only exceptions is where there has been a relationship in the past (exwife, exgirlfriend, ex anything really) in which case you know there was once a spark and it’s best not to have any one on one contact, or where there has been an affair or other proven dishonesty, in which it’s fair enough to say “hey you need to show me you can be trusted before I can trust you again”.
I wish you all the best with that lifestyle the two of you have developed for yourselves. However, I do believe your relationship is the exception and certainly not the norm. I also hope it does not backfire on you and you all end up regretting not having put restrictions on your extracurricular same-sex friendships.
Michelle to be honest, I would say you and some others here are the exception rather than the norm. Even amongst my christian friends, (including older and/or maturer ones), no one is afraid to have opposite sex friends. Considering how many people in my first church (where I attended for most of 30 years) ran off with same sex lovers, declaring a ban on opposite sex friendships seem rather silly.
It is my first husband I discouraged from having opposite sex friends, so he just made female friends behind my back, and several of his affairs (including the long term mistress that he married) were actually my friends, not his.
Telling a spouse they can’t have opposite sex friendships shows we don’t trust them and also makes out that it’s something that is wrong when it’s not.
All of my (second) husband’s friends are all happily married/partnered and their husbands/partners are totally comfortable with the friendship. And I too have a number of close friends – and my husband knows even if he passed away and my friends were the last men on the face of the earth, I still wouldn’t be interested in them.
A friendship is a friendship – in our broken world, the gender of a person doesn’t protect our spouses from having an affair with them.
I think these are appropriate standards to have. My husband and I both have a friend of the opposite sex that we have known since we were very young. We still talk to them, but we make sure to tell each other when we have chatted with them and how they and their spouse is doing. We both feel comfortable with this arrangement.
Sheila, I like your advice that friends of the opposite sex can be friends in a group. The issue is not about extending trust to one’s spouse (we have to do that every day when they leave our sight). The issue is protecting one’s marriage from temptation – and ANYONE can be tempted to sin. If you keep
relationships with ANYONE open to your spouse, then you can work on awkward situations together, as the need arises. Pray together often, be accountable for your time, agree to boundaries. For example, my husband decided not to travel on business alone. When I wasn’t available to go with him, his cousin went along to enjoy the trip and keep him company. My husband also won’t travel in a car alone with another woman. He lives by these ( sometimes inconvenient ) ” rules” because he values our commitment and is not naive enough to flatter himself with ideas of willpower stronger than immediate, physical temptation.
Wow, Sheila I’m surprised at the disagreement on this one already. I’m reminded of a post that J wrote a long time ago about putting walls around your marriage to protect it. I wish I knew how to link from my mobile. 🙂
Completely agree with #1. What could start out innocent could end very badly. I’m not married yet, but will definitely keep this for future reference. Thank you for your advice!
I too am surprised at the disagreements voiced here. Situation #1 leaves me baffled. She left him, but can’t seem to let go for some reason. I agree that it is a completely inappropriate relationship. I do agree with Lori that we can’t “insist” that our husbands do or not do anything.. but she can voice her request very strongly and let him know that she finds this inappropriate and ask that he respect her wishes and cut off all contact. this seems to me a boundary that is completely appropriate for a spouse to set. Unless there are children involved, there is no reason to maintain contact.
I can’t even fathom my husband texting or phoning ANY female for social reasons…nor would I carry on a social relationship with any male outside of a group/couple situation.
happywife you probably can’t fathom men who cheat on their wives with other men either. Temptation can come from unlikely sources. My exhusband slept with men, and the mistress he married wasn’t some female friend of his – it was a female friend of mine he was contacting behind my back. As the saying goes, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. His only old female friend was a wonderful christian lady who was happily married and trying to reach out to him to get him back into his faith.
A man who will cheat, will find a way. If he is banned from having female “friends” that his wife knows about, he will simply find female “friends” his wife doesn’t know about.
Why should a man have to give up friends he may have known his entire life just because he has got married?
My husband has known his female friends for 15-20 years, long before we ever met. There has never been a shred of romance there. They are no more “tempting” to him than male friends – ie not at all. His female friends are what have made him the sensitive wonderful man he is today and I wouldn’t dream of telling him he can’t socialise with them.
It would be quite different if they were exes or if there had been any sort of romantic on either side ever, but there never has been.
I don’t think anyone is saying they have to give up friends. We’re just saying those friendships should now be in groups, and the wife should be part of that friendship. Once you’re married, socializing one-on-one really is inappropriate, and I don’t know why we would want to. My husband and I socialize with a lot of people, but we do it in groups, that’s all.
I agree with you.. once married it should be together,, I realized my husband had a hard time letting go of his x wife after 25 yrs of a crazy marriage.. she did not want him any more..but! he would have gone back , had she asked.
now here after 5 mos of our marriage I find that he was trying to contact her ..and I believe he did ..by his own mistaken words.. I got very aware of this n asked him why? His reply was that he had done nothing wrong n I am just a jealous women ? Now you go figure….. I don’t buy that.. jealous r not.. I am hurt n now lost all trust. I will not accept that my question to him WHY? says I am a jealous women rater than now feel I can not trust him .. he loved her for a long time.. and he had no reasons to b trying to contact her..Infact he was trying while I was asleep.. he called her when he went to store..YET!! had the nerve to just say I am jealous..HELLO.. I am MAD…
I have a situation where when I married my husband he wanted to have me be friends with his x who he remains friends with. I did for 8 years and found she had no boundaries. Called him 2 or 3 times a week. Wanted us
To do all kinds of favors for her and in general found her very selfish.
I tolerated it as long as I could and finally had a fight with her and she
Still communicated with my husband and I got mad and it was making me sick. He maintains
he does not want a divorce but she is his only friend and he will not give her up. He feels thing are not the same between us since she and I are no longer friends. He has lied to me twice saying they are not communicating when they were.
She lives with her 3rd husband that she divorced.
My husband and I do just that we hang out with his ex wife and the man she cheated on my husband with. It feels awkward but they were friends before their relationship and then became friends again after the relationship ended. ALTHOUGH. .. The last time we all hung out together I found myself and her husband sitting off to the side literally being ignored while my husband and his ex talked for hours about “the old days”. Should I be concerned? Also her new husband was unaware she was in a relationship with my husband when they got together so he is constantly taking my husband aside and apologizing. Im just confused.
ButterflyWings – I’m very sorry that your husband not only cheated on you, but cheated on you with other men. That is a doubly painful situation to experience. However, you seem to be of the opinion that no women is safe from her husband not only having an affair, but doing so with other men. I firmly disagree with you that this is a threat for most women. Please show me the statistics that show that most women who cheat do so with other women – because I’m sure they don’t exist. Your view is jaded by your own personal experience.
Summer mine is a personal experience…. in the church I grew up in, we had quite a number of men (including deacons) and women (in leadership roles) who abandoned their spouses and children to run off with their same sex lovers. One of my mother’s best friends had her husband take with his gay lover after having 5 children together.
Yes there were many who also ran off with opposite sex lovers too, but none of them were “friends” – they were work colleagues or friend’s wives/husbands etc.
Not one person ran off with someone who was a long time opposite sex friend. They were all people they met in group situations and then contacted behind everyone else’s back.
I believe the problem is that no one here thinks husbands are safe from affairs unless they are banned from having female friends. It won’t force a 100% straight man to become a gay cheat, but IF a man has a cheating heart, banning him from having female friends won’t discourage him – all it means is he gets sneaky and less likely to be found out if he does cheat.
I didn’t say that most women who cheat will do so with other women (I can’t even find anything I wrote that could be misinterpreted that way). What I did mean was women seem to have a higher percentage of running off with long term same sex friends compared to men (of the men who run off with same sex lovers, it tends to be people they have specifically met for the purposes of sexual encounters) – ie I was referred to the male/female differences in who runs off with same sex lovers, not those who cheat in general. that seems to be a common difference of men versus women in general – women seem to cheat more with long term friends their spouse knows of, men seem more likely to cheat with people their wife doesn’t know or thinks is an entirely professional relationship.
ButterflyWings, I understand that this is your personal experience, and it certainly is horrible. But the simple fact is that the vast majority of people do not have same sex attraction. And the real threat comes from opposite sex relationships, so we do need to guard our hearts.
It is not only a matter of guarding against such a relationship, either, as some people have noted. It’s also the fact that we can be tempted to get needs met with a friend that we should be getting met in marriage. If you share personal things with someone of the opposite sex, an intimacy develops, even if that intimacy isn’t sexual. And that’s not a healthy thing for a marriage.
It’s not just about rumours, or about affairs, or anything. It’s a matter of the sanctity of marriage and protecting it against everything. I want to know that my husband is my best friend, and that I am his, and that if we have a problem, we are each the first person we turn to. If my husband were texting another woman, even if she were “just a friend”, I would not have that assurance. And every married person needs to give their spouse that assurance.
So I’ll stand by what you said, because I have very rarely seen marriages work where each have good friends of the opposite sex that they see one on one.
I agree to a certain extent. I am not married to my significant other, but we have a daughter together and twins on the way. I recently found out that he spoke to his ex-spouse for nearly two hours and it appears they speak on a regular basis….daily, sometimes weekly. It is totally unacceptable to me because they have NO children together. When I speak to him about this he says that I’m controlling or either I have trust issues. I don’t doubt that he is comfortable speaking to her because they have many years of history; however it’s inappropriate and disrespectful. There is no compromise for me on this one. I have lost respect for him because he doesn’t care enough about his relationship with me or his children to leave the situation alone. I won’t stay through this, it’s totally unacceptable! I’m just trying to find a way to leave as I will not be marrying this man as he has proven his relationship with me doesn’t matter.
I think these are excellent standards to live by. It helps people resist temptation, shows loyalty to the spouse, and helps avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
Here’s my take on it: It is impossible to remove all temptation. Just impossible. Other cultures have been trying it for centuries, and it’s just not possible. So saying that friendships between men and women are unwise because of the risk of temptation is short-sighted. Life can’t be about removing every possible source of temptation, or else we find ourselves living in a bubble.
That said, it IS ok to be uncomfortable with your spouse maintaining a friendship with an ex. And it’s also ok to not be uncomfortable with it. My husband maintains a Facebook friendship with one of his exes, and I’m ok with it. If it progressed to talking on the phone, I probably would not. However, he also has a female friend that he does speak with on the phone, and I’m ok with that. It’s about the level of the relationship, the trust level between us, and my knowledge of the history there. Similarly, I have male friends that I speak with through Facebook (not on the phone, but that’s largely because the phone stresses me out). And I work in an office where I am the only female. My husband is ok with these things, again because he trusts me, and because he knows about all of these friends and he knows our history.
Exes are a tricky beast, and there’s no cookie-cutter solution to these things. So my bottom line is this: If you are uncomfortable, speak with your husband. As your loving spouse, he needs to hear your concerns, and work with you so that you are comfortable. If that means not talking to an ex, or changing the way he interacts with her, then so be it. But in the same token, we need to be understanding of old friendships and try to work with our husbands so that they don’t have to lose friends that may be important to them. In the situation where the ex just kind of started calling again, out of the blue, and there hasn’t been an ongoing friendship, I would probably not be comfortable with that. But the one who has been friends with his ex for a long time, that’s a little different, in my opinion. But again, there’s no cookie-cutter answer here, and my own comfort level has no bearing on what is going on within these relationships.
It all comes back to COMMUNICATION. If you have a concern, even if you feel that it might be unreasonable, talk to your husband. Address it from a place of “I.” “I feel…” instead of “you need to…” Communication solves so many problems.
Totally agree 🙂
Plus, I’ve seen people talk about things like “impropriety” and putting others off being a christian. I have watched several friends actually turned off christianity in general, purely because of the opposite.
Right now I’m thinking of a particular friend of mine (male friend) who has pretty much turned his back on his faith because a long time friend of his (20+ years) stopped talking to him altogether when she met a man and very quickly got engaged and married. She tried the line on him that “oh it’s not appropriate for me to talk to a man now that I’m married” and since her husband is rather unsociable and isn’t interested in “group friendships” with her male friends, she has chosen to totally completely ignore all her male friends under the guise of it’s not “appropriate” for her to be friends with them now she’s married.
It meant my dear friend lost his best friend when he needed a friend the most (deaths of several close friends and family members, ill health and a bunch of other problems). And it’s taken me more than a year to show him that it’s not “christianity’s” fault his friend abandoned him when he needed it most. That not all of us think it’s ok to abandon lifelong friends simply because we get married and the person is opposite sex. His faith is still a mess because of it though.
It’s not the first time I’ve seen it happen, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But I find improper is abandoning a lifelong friend because they are of the opposite sex and our spouse for whatever reason isn’t interested in socialising with our opposite sex friend.
I’m a bit surprised about insisting that men and women can and should be best friends even if they are married to other people.
I find it damaging to a marriage relationship, if one spouse keeps on talking about his best girl friend or her best guy friend. Shouldn’t they have married that best friend then? I want to be the closest female friend to my husband! Not the *only* one, but the closest one. He wouldn’t go have coffee with other ladies nor lunches nor drinks after work. It just doesn’t feel right.
For example, I hang out in a group of friends when we were all young and unmarried, but if I had met alone with one of the men, that would have been … a bit too intimate. I was sure to have good, close relationships and friendships with women, but it was never the same, deep heart level, with the men. It was great to have both men and women in a group and I learned a lot about men and women, but I would never have such a close, one-on-one relationship with a male friend. I don’t think it’s possible either, there will always be some kind of spark going on in at least one heart…We are human beings, physical and sexual, so it’s normal. Nothing to be afraid of, but to be wise about. Why would you share your heart in a deep way with a guy who will not marry you?
I also question having opposite sex friends visiting your apartment/house alone. I don’t think it’s a good witness to others. Same reason that pastors counsel people of opposite sex with a door/curtains open. It’s just good to be careful. Your motives might be the purest, but you cannot know about the other one. I had a (male) friend who visited me and looking back it would have been better to meet in a group or have even one other girlfriend there with me. Nothing happened…but I wouldn’t want my daughters to battle such battles. He was more attracted to me than I had realized.
It’s not easy, but better safe than sorry.
I think the point is that it doesn’t *have* to be damaging. If it’s bothersome in a marriage, then definitely the spouse should respect that and end or modify those friendships that are bothersome. But if it’s not bothersome, then it’s not a problem.
I believe that spouses should be best friends, yes. But sometimes it’s good to have other good friends. I have no secrets from my husband, but my friends sometimes have a different perspective, and it’s good to get that perspective. If a man and a woman grew up together and see each other as kind of like brother and sister, what’s wrong with that? And again, if it bothers the spouse, then absolutely something needs to happen to protect the marriage, because the marriage should come first. But just because some people are uncomfortable with their spouse having opposite-sex friends doesn’t mean that it’s wrong for EVERYONE. Every circumstance is unique, and you can’t paint all marriages with the same broad brush in this regard.
So again, I come back to my original point: It’s absolutely ok to be upset if your spouse is talking to an ex. It’s also ok NOT to be upset about it. I think exes are much more problematic than just any old friend of the opposite sex, but the bottom line is that if something is bothering you, you need to talk to your husband about it and work together to find a solution that comes out of respect and love for each other and your marriage. And if it doesn’t bother you, you don’t need to get upset about it just because of some idea that men and women shouldn’t be friends. God created us all unique, and that beautiful fact means that we each have our own comfort level and our own reasons for doing what we do. As long as you’re not committing a sin, just do what feels right.
No one is insisting anyone should be “best friends”. Or even that the can. Once your married your spouse should become your best friend. Just it doesn’t matter what the gender your next closest friend is.
I’ve seen all too often how same sex best friends can destroy marriages – and it’s not from having affairs. If you always go on about your “best friend” at the expense of your marriage, it can be as damaging as an affair is. I’ve seen all too many women put their female friends above their husbands and it is just completely marriage destroying.
It’s not the gender of the friend, it’s the priority of the friendship over your friendship with your spouse that is the issue. My husband has two best friends, one male and one female, he probably actually talks to the female more and she is a happily married christian. She was even our “groomsmaid” at our wedding. I wouldn’t dream of telling him he can’t be friends with her. Their relationship is good for him and good for our marriage. She gives him a female perspective on issues and she offers great marriage advice that has helped me and him many times.
This response is late but I had to respond. I think her answer to him that now that she is married, she doesn’t think it’s appropriate to have male friends is a great response. Imagine what life would be like if we all respected our marriages like she respects hers. She’s honoring her husband and avoiding both physical and emotional temptation. Her intimacy is now limited to her husband as it should be.
If both partners can’t be friends with the opposite sex, friend then the friendship should cool down considerably.
If they were both Christian though I’m surprised that she and the friend didn’t discuss her new life to be as a Christian wife post wedding day. Or once married that she and new hubby didn’t minister to the friend together. Or that as friends they didn’t marry each other if they were truly best friends, rather than blame the faith for a woman’s need to reprioritise her relationships after marriage.
When I was single some married Christians including some I considered friends were pretty rude to me as though I were after them / their hubbys. Others witnessed Christian marriage wonderfully. I realise now the ruder ones may simply have been protecting their marriages, maybe with more concerns about their spouses than about me (who knows what temptation or struggles they may already have faced).
Now I’m married I understand the need to protect my marriage too. It’s only been an issue a couple times: Hubby’s friend’s wife interrogated me in the early days during a party in hubby’s, then fiance’s, home which I thought was rude. It was done in that kinda ex girlfriend way, so I assumed (wrongly) that there was history or at least previous interest on her part. So hubby and I talked about it and turns out she is just a bit odd, we’ve met as a group many times since and all good now.
Another situation is a bit trickier in that I befriended a woman at church who introduced me to her sports club and friends. So I felt slightly invested. She was partnered at the time but it was going badly and they’ve broken up. Lots of support from us as a church over the last year or so, she’s been v upset. I noticed she was quite gushy towards my hubby and warned him, especially as they were in the worship team together.
My husband has recently joined a community project the church is involved in and this woman has now joined too and they both agreed to team up for a particular task. To be honest I was gobsmacked and started feeling angry when I saw them scheduling diaries, but just prayed. When hubby told me the situation later, explaining that she announced that she’d just joined and they then scheduled the task, I said he knew my thoughts and I was leaving the decision to him. Admittedly there was a little pride in me where I thought I’m not finishing what I didn’t start.
So hubby suggested I join them for that task, or he would get it reallocated, and in the end he plumped for the latter. By the way he has also mentioned when he thought someone in my old church was interested in me (I couldn’t see it, the guy was a married elder, but I trusted my hubby’s judgement), so it works both ways. I honestly sense a mutual respect, admiration and love for each other for being able to do this. Haven’t had phone or computer trust issues either.
We’re given special commands for marriage, alongside God’s commands for Christian living, because God has created marriage for a special purpose. Read, honour and live out his word, that way we can minister to friends through our marriages, rather than help the enemy undermine our marriages through poor boundaries. I’d rather take a risk in offending a so called friend than offend and disobey the spirit of God.
Cappy the reason she didn’t marry him is simple – even though two people are both christian and friends, it doesn’t mean they are attracted to each other or that they are spiritually compatible. When he was interested in me (long before I was married), I turned him down because I realised being christian is simply not enough – some of his theological beliefs were completely incompatible with mine (eg he was okay with sex before marriage, I was not). So I can understand her turning him down for that.
Some christians are more serious about their faith than others, and I believe strongly that “being equally yoked” is not just about two christians marrying each other, but also being married to someone who is serious about their faith, not just casually into being a christian.
As for not discussing it before she got married? I think she tried to drop hints (which he didn’t notice) before they got married, but the truth is, I think she was looking for a way to distance herself from him long before she got married and getting married was just the excuse she gave to be blunt about it. Sometimes it’s easier to let someone down gently (whether it a relationship or a friendship) by only telling them the kinder reasons for rejecting them rather than the harsh ones like “I just don’t want to be friends”.
I totally agree with you about it being better to risk offending a friend than offending God, I just think sometimes people choose to offend humans even when there is no risk of offending God. I mean your situation sounds like you and your hubby have worked it out potentially sticky situations rather well. And I must admit, I do admire husbands who protect their wives from other men who are interested. To be honest, if a man tried to pursue me, he wouldn’t notice it (my husband is very unobservant about these things – it was hard enough for him to notice my interest in him when we first met ) and if he somehow did notice, his attitude would just be that he trusted me and therefore no need for him to do anything about. Thankfully I have a brother who is a gentle giant – a very gentle person by nature, but he has a way of convincing other men that if they do anything inappropriate to his sisters or nieces or any other female he cares about, that the man will regret it.
As for women pursuing my husband? None have yet while we’ve been married, but just as he wouldn’t notice men chasing me, he wouldn’t notice women chasing him. Only way a woman could get his attention would be with a fancy new tech gadget or computer game, and even then, he’d only be interested in the gadget or game. However if a woman ever does take a shine to him, I’m more than happy to have a quiet word to her (in a loving way), that he is taken and not interested. Anyway, he’s made it very clear in the last year or so that one woman in his life is hard (especially with two daughters as well now), the last thing he wants in his life would be a mistress on the side and that if anything happens to me, that he would quite contentedly stay single for the rest of his life. about the closest thing to a new woman in his life he’d get would be a female cat.
I think it’s absolutely inappropriate for a married man to have any sort of private conversation or relationship with a woman other than his wife. There’s a difference between being friendly with another woman and having a friendship with one. My husband would say the same thing. Yes, he talks to other women (in public or for work) but any personal conversation that wouldn’t include me would be about me (like arranging something for me/our kids) otherwise he would go through her husband/boyfriend…even then he would probably go through the man in that relationship. I think you put way to much at risk by allowing friendships to continue or to start with other women – and there should not be a need for it either. Which means you’d better address your friendship as a couple if this sort of thing is going on – glory to God, we have an amazing friendship within our marriage. My husband is completely trustworthy but I would certainly insist he not have a friendship with other women, especially an ex – but like I said he would think it’s not appropriate either. Same goes for my/a married woman’s relationship with other men.
what happens if u explained to your husband how you feel, and how it is effecting you, and he still carries on, and tells you that you are forcing him, and thereby he will continue as it is his friends.
so now i must continue living in this marriage with this .and just accept it does not matter how it hurts,
and forgive and forget very famous words, that you try and try but it dont come easy.
up to the point of wanting to leave, but knowing that you still love him .and praying that he might just come to realize that this is hurting me
Estelle I can’t help wondering how things turned out for you. I am in the same situation. I’ve let my husband know that I think it’s inappropriate for him to have friendships with his ex wife and ex girlfriend. Instead of reassuring me that he would have no contact with them, he changed the code on his phone making it more difficult if I wanted to read his messages. My phone is not locked. I have nothing to hide. I found out that his ex wife was in his contacts under a fake male name. The last time the ex girlfriend called he was frantically letting her know that the phone was on speaker. If he wasn’t afraid of her saying something inappropriate, I feel like he had no need to tell her. It’s like telling her she has to speak one way when I’m listening but it’s okay to say whatever when I’m not around. I felt totally disrespected. I love my husband but it’s really hard to touch and be close with someone who continues to hurt you. I really would like to know how you handled 5he situation.
I’ve written about keeping boundaries in marriage and from experience know that people have have strong/differing feelings on the subject. I like your thoughts. For me it comes down to protecting that which matters to you. No one ever drifts to the top of marriage mountain 🙂 we all have to work hard at a lasting marriage.
I’d reiterate #3, as women we can pick up things that our husband aren’t picking up, so it’s important to speak up and live up to our “Helpmate” name 🙂
I believe in boundaries, but I also believe in security. I spent the first 10 years of a 23year marriage looking around every corner for any women I thought wanted to destroy my marriage. I realized the problem was with me not them. I was very insecure. But the last 13 years have been amazing. There is a level of security and romance in our marriage that I could have never had, if I had not realized that he choose me! We talk through these things from time to time. I have guy friends that I try to make friends with him as well. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t! He only has a few girl friends that still want to be in contact with him, and I’m okay with that. I’ve actually made strides to become really close friends with them! My husband didn’t have any sexual relationships before me, I was the one with the black clouded past. If anything he should be jealous of my guy friends. I love being married and I love having a best friend there for me always!
I completely agree with all of those rules, and they make sense to me. I am not a jealous woman by any means but as I grow in my Christianity I have learned to think about Images more. Although many people don’t care what others think about you. Other people’s opinions of what you do can affect your testimony. When my husband and I maintain contact with people of the other sex through phone calls, texts, or even One on one visits regardless of how harmless it seems, someone will hear or know about it. Most people will assume the worst. How can we testify to those people and try to lead them to Christ when in the back of their minds they are thinking about the affair they think is going on. It is the same reason we should dress modestly, treat others with respect, and always shine our best when we are in public. You never know who you will be called to testify to, and if that person has seen you anything less than your best it makes it very difficult to testify to them.
For those of you with a problem with number 1. This is not saying not to be friends, it is simply saying to make it a group event. A group event is less likely to look as though something is going on!
Now my question is, how can you start a conversation and try to establish these rules when you have already been married 7 years?
I’ve been married almost 12 years…seems like something comes up every once in a while that we’ve not fully discussed…A lot of times it will come up because of a blog like this…that posted something we haven’t really thought of….so what i’ve done to bring it up has been to just tell him about the blog post i read that day that made me think….and i will explain it to him or show it to him and just ask him what he thinks about it…how does it apply to our marriage…is it something he thinks we should explore? It kind of puts the ball in his court as the head of our home and gets him thinking about it. So far, in doing this, it opens the door for great honest communication and we’ve had great results at establishing boundaries or expectations together. Good luck!
I agree that a personal/intimate outside relationship is probably inappropriate, not because it’s always dangerous but because that level of friendship, intimacy and communication belongs in the marriage. Even a share-everything relationship between a wife and her own mother can be quite inappropriate for that reason.
Regarding the husbands’ outside relationships, boundaries are great. However don’t expect them to replace the marriage qualities above. When he’s not emotionally intimate with his wife he’s either bottling it up or talking to someone else.
My husband has a friend whom he has known since high school. Before he met me they had mutual friends and hung out regularly but there was never anything between them other than friendship. She went away to get her doctorate and they would have at least monthly long phone conversations to catch up and would see each other when she was around. When he met me and we became engaged she reached out to me and wanted to get to know me. The long phone conversations with my husband ceased and now she calls me when she’s in town and we go out as a group. My husband still gets to catch up with her but she completely included me and made me feel totally comfortable with the relationship. I just really appreciated that about her. The friendships don’t have to end (exes are different) but I do think they need to take on a new form. So I totally agree with this article, Sheila!
There are some intersting viewpoints here. I would like to share 2 situations. One when my husband had a fellow student he enjoyed visiting with outside of class. At first I was ok with it. He always told me abt his conversations with her. Then one day he adked if she could come for dinner. I was ok with it. Glad to meet her even .. I didn’t see anything wrong in his behavior. But did not like hers. I told him she made me uncomfortable. He quit the friendship. His choice. Hes an adult. I told him how I felt. He respected that and acted on it. Now he is a professional. And has a female colleague who he gets along with really well. She has been to our house. The kids call her Auntie. And when they text ( a lot) its a three way conversation. I usually don’t respond. But this way I know what they are ralking about.
I just think that really for the most part that people shouldn’t be out with the opposite sex, not because of a trust issue, but because of the rumor mill. Once a seed is planted, even if it is innocent by the time the rumor gets around the town it is no where near the truth, and so far stretched, and gets back to the wife, feelings are hurt, trust is broken, and who knows if it can ever be gained back. The burden of prof falls on the the victim’s and will be the hardest thing to prove that it was a purely innocent event. Can even destroy a family, One of Satan’s trick’s I think, Not every one thinks the same and not ever one has pure thoughts, Not every one has God first. There are people out there that love nothing more then to cause misery and believe me misery loves company. So I concur with the advise, for different reason’s, leaving no room for people to spread rumor’s, therefor living in peace Amen.
Sadly we live in a broken world, full of gosspis. Even if you “leave no room” for people to spread rumours, they will still find a way. That was sadly the way in the church I grew up in. If you weren’t part of the popular group, people spread vicious rumours about you. No matter how careful you were about always acting properly, people will find a way to distort it.
One example, even though my first husband and I were basicallly the only young couple in the church not having pre-marital sex within our church, absolutely bizarre things would start rumours. Such as me lending him my car overnight so he could drive to a very early morning job interview would start rumours that we had spent the night together having sex – and this is with him living next door to the pastor, with his bedroom just 2m away from the pastor’s bedroom – and the church owning the share house he lived in, having keys and checking up on the guys living there regularly.
Even the most chaste person can end up with rumours spread about them if they attend a church of rumour mongers.
I think you give some great suggestions here, Sheila.
There is a difference between wrong and unwise. It’s not wrong for a spouse to chat with an ex, and it might never lead to anything whatsoever, but it is unwise. It seems a question of “why go there?” You could carry on a perfectly fine friendship with someone of the opposite sex for years and be great in your marriage, and then your marriage hits a difficult time, and the friend is there, and temptations arise…and then even if nothing happens, you have to deal with those. And for what? Couldn’t one have a friendship in group situations with this person without setting up potential problems? Also, as one commenter said, I have some concerns about getting relational needs met by some of the opposite sex who isn’t my husband. Now I’m not trying to overplay this, but if that relationship causes you to hold something back from your marriage, then it’s a real problem.
I just know too many people — some being fabulous people whom I never thought would do such a thing! — who were tempted and destroyed their marriage when they engaged in what they believed was a harmless friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Of course, some people will always cheat, some people would never cheat, but I think the vast majority of us are somewhere in that middle, where the convergence of various issues could cause us to stumble. Especially when opportunity is within reach. So at least remove the opportunity.
Absolutely! Thank you.
Claire,
I love that your huaband’s friend did that! I have a great friend from college, who I introduced to my husband while we were dating, and now the three of us consider ourselves great friends. We share frquent phone conversations (my husband and I will trade who is on the phone) and when our friend visits we all hang out together. For us I had never been an issue of temptation, but of propriety and of preserving intimacy for our marriage. We both have conversations with members of the opposite sex, but they are in public settings.
I hope he does talk to her, and gets back with her. Why? Because if you divorce and remarry, that’s adultery. Hate to break it to you, but that’s NOT *your* husband there.
Furthermore, what if they have kids?
I’ve been married to my husband 4 years, we have a 2 year old son. He mesgs his ex-wife on FB and by tex and some times calls her. They had no children together and when I confronted him on it, he said they had been friends for so long he just wants to keep the friendship. He moved away from her out of state to be with me, he says he has no friends and I do believe him but I don’t like him talking to her especially when I confronted her and she knew things about me and our life together that only he could have told her. I told him then to end it, and he did for awhile but I just found out they are talking again, what should I do now?
Hi
I need some advice. My husband thinks I am ridiculously jealous.
This is the situation. When we got married he was friendly with a younger girl saying he was her mentor. I invited her into my home and helped her with school work etc. I started observing that even when it was time for the girl to leave the house he wouldnt want me to accompany them. It went on for a while. I was uncomfortable with it but he has always been a bully since we got married. Whenever her name comes up it would cause an argument. If she going anywhere she thinks she has to call to let him know. I used to work far from home and I notice on my phone bill that when I was on my way from work he would sit hours on the phone with this girl. Suddenly I got pregnant and then matters started getting worse. She and him started having sexual intercourse during that time. I found out because my body was just rejecting him and he confessed. I needed a break and went by mom for a while with my daughter. During this 3 months he took back the girl to our house and started having sex with her again.
We got the opportunity to migrate so we went through a series of counselling and I decide that this was the last try. When went away and they started communicating again. I broke into his email. He kept lying even when I was reading the mails lol. Anyhow we happen to migrate elsewhere now and he happened to leave his phone home one day and she called. I asked how she got this new number. He lied to me. Now I recently found out he is helping her to do her thesis when he went back home. He started communicating with her. If you were me. Wouldnt you think they are still having an affair?
What hurt me most when he was home I called him and asked if he is communicating with her and he lied to me again. Then I broke into his email again and found out he is a complete liar. He claims he knows how I will react. I do not trust him and I do not see where our relationship is heading if he still keeps this connection. I told him he does not respect me enough to cut off communications based on the nature and history of our conflict. This started as we got married. We been married for 13 years and he has not treated me with utmost respect. I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old. Thought things were getting better but he is still looking out.
My words to him yesterday was, “if you are investing in that relationship you must expect to reap something”. I also told him to give me ONE reason why he feels it is necessary to keep in touch with her.
What is your advise to me?
You know 3 things for sure.
1. Your husband is a liar.
2 .Your husband is a bully ( your words).
3. Your husband is a cheat.
Why are you giving him the choice about how your life should be lived. Take control of your life and make some selfish decisions. He doesn’t care what you think. If you’re too scared to do this for yourself, think about your daughters. Would you want someone to treat them this way? If your daughters are too good to be treated this way then so are you.
I feel you sister. I have an incredible husband and we’re both very committed to each other.. Both our second marriages. I have 2 daughters from my first marriage, he has a business with her. We have a baby together. He and his ex are co- owners of the business (along with her current husband). Fortunately, they live in different states and the company of ~25 all work from home wherever they live in the country. I honestly do trust him but man this dynamic has brought up some funk in me. I hate that he has to work and communicate with her on a daily basis. And the company is right now at a 4-day ‘unplugged event’ whitewater rafting. He says he just sees her as another co-worker now, though they were together 10 years. I wish I could just get over it and not let it bother me!
My husband of 19 years is still communicating with his ex wife and it totally irritates me. She lives in another state, there’s physically nothing going on. I don’t know if I should just pray harder, let go and let God, OR confront him on how this totally annoys me. He doesn’t tell me about communicating with her; I see her number on his cell phone. What would you do?
My soon to be ex husband won’t leave me alone. Tells me he misses me and how much he loved me. And I know his mistress he now lives with doesn’t know. I’d say confront him and tell him me or her. If he won’t chose leave. My ex wants to keep me just in case it doesn’t work out with his mistress. I want him out of my life. He made his chose he needs to live with it or let u go
Good luck with cultures in Europe as the men from there will have close ties with many of their exes and expect you to accept it, and if you do not, you are viewed as insecure and demanding. English and French cultures probably are the worst. All I can say is that if your partner does not respect your needs, regardless of what your strengths or insecurities are, then that partner is not really worth being with. You must both have similar values when it comes to this issue as if he thinks he has a right to be friends with his ex and you feel that you do not want him to, it might be a problem and over time escalate to a bigger one.I had some bad experiences in the past setting boundaries with an English boyfriend being best friends with all his exes and it was not very good at all. So you must find out what his values are and cultural perspectives are before you decide to settle with him! In European cultures this can really be a problem as I have dated a few European men and it has always been similar issue.
Tosh!
I saw my husbands ex number on his phone.He have 2 adult children with her.We been married for 18years with 2 daugters. I ask in general about his children and want to know when last did he hear from their mother, he said it’s been a very long time. He is lying the number will show on the phone bill I receive monthly of him, this will be my proof. What should I do.
I have this problem. We were married for 18 yrs and I found out he cheated. He left us and moved in with her. He continually texts me and tells me he misses me. I straight out asked him if he wanted to come home and he said no. I told him once the divorce is final I want nothing to do with him. He freaked out. Says he wants to b involved with me. Ignoring him doesn’t work. I feel for u but go on with your life. He is confused and u dont need that hassle. Trust me he will only make u sad and confused.
I need some advice. To put it quite bluntly, my husband still talks to his ex-wife, and it drives me absolutely crazy! 🙁
First let me backstory. My husband and I have been together 8 months. He left his 30 year marriage for me. He left his wife for me, and now we are newly married. Neither he or his ex wife was happy in the marriage, and he admitted to me he should have left her a long time ago. He swears to me he doesn’t love her, and that I am his soulmate. I believe he loves me, I know he does. But his contact with his ex wife kills me. They do have children and grandchildren together, so there is some contact needed. But their children are GROWN. I have asked him several times to not talk to his ex wife, but all it does is start a fight. I don’t understand why he does this, and I don’t know what to do. Someone please help! I cant seem to let this go
Christy, I’m really sorry, but your husband was married to his ex-wife for 30 years, and should still be married to his ex-wife. You broke up a marriage. I know that’s harsh, but he was off limits, even if his marriage wasn’t a happy one. In my opinion, he should be reunited with his wife and put the family back together. Thirty years is a long time, and he made a vow. If he still loves her, he should go back to her and make it right.
he said he hadn’t been happy, and wanted to leave her 15 years ago, but he wanted to raise his daughters. They’ve both admitted the marriage should have ended years ago. And we never planned on “us”. Neither of us deliberately set out to break up his first marriage. I knew he was married, and I opted to back off. But he came to me. I made no initial moves. He does not love her, and has told me time and time again. Heck, she even has someone new. All I want is for him to stop speaking with her
So let me get this straight. He left his 30 year marriage for you which meant he was cheating with you when he was married right? Emotional cheating is still cheating. I feel compelled to point out the obvious. You became involved with a man who cheats on his wife and he hasn’t changed a bit…he’s still a man who cheats on his wife except now YOU’RE the wife.
He’s consistent. When he left her for you I bet you thought you were special…you’re not. His ex wife has a history that you will never catch up with and she is now the FORBIDDEN FRUIT that you once were. Let me repeat that…SHE is now the forbidden fruit.
Not sure if my answer hasn’t been posted yet, or got deleted, so Ill try again. It was neither his or my intent to break up his first marriage. He explained to me that he hadn’t been happy in at least 15 years, but he never left because he wanted to raise his children. The two of them together admitted that neither of him had been happy, and she herself has someone new and is happy. I didn’t set out to break up that marriage. It wasn’t deliberate. In fact, I backed off when I first found out he was married. He tells me over and over that he does not love her, and does not want her back. I believe he loves me, I know he does. All I want is for them to stop communicating so much
What if the ex girlfriend is friends with my husband on facebook I feel it is to rub in my face of who he has had sex with because they didn’t have anything else in common like school help I feel like exploding
My husband of 25 years found his first love on Facebook..she found him..I was ok with it..I made his account in the first place..so I know his passwords..I once in a while take a look in his account. He knows this..lol..the only thing that made me upset was how often he mentioned a get together with her, which would be almost impossible because she lives thousands of miles away. maybe its nothing but I feel like he wants to really see her again..in one of there conversations he wrote “love you”. She did not respond with the same. They only message once in a while. A few times a year..so do the words love you, mean anything or is it just a sediment to what they were to each other years ago..I want to ask him about it..but I don’t want him to think I am looking up every conversation that they have. He is a good husband and father to our 2 kids..
I got married about a month ago. His ex didn’t know he got married and kept calling him. I asked her to stop. About three weeks later I find out they were talking, a lot. I told him she texted me saying she talked talked to him. And sextexting. Which was a lie. I just wanted him to hate and stop talking to her. I don’t know if he bought it. I’m afraid that he still has feelings for her and feel really threatened by her. I don’t like he’s emotionally with me. Was I wrong?
Christy,
You are getting yours for being a home wrecker. That’s all I have to say about that.
I’ve been married 20 yrs. My husband’s highschool ex started calling and texting him about 4 yrs. He broke ties with her at my request after she stated contacting him more frequently and wanting him to keep secrets from me, asking if they could get together, playing the damsel in distress, etc. He wasn’t happy at first because he said there was “nothing going on”, and I was being insecure. But he broke ties with her anyway. It took a while because she didn’t accept defeat easily. But he finally (without my prodding) ended up blocking her on all social media, through the phone company, and even on his iPhone.
Ladies, you HAVE to fight to save your marriage, and sometimes that means fighting your husband. You can’t be afraid to talk to your spouse openly and do EVERYTHING in your power to save it, including confronting the woman…BEFORE it gets to the point where cheating has occurred!!
My husband has now thanked me on more than one occasion for opening his eyes before he got in deeper! Our marriage has never been stronger.
So true, I’ve had to be circumspect about which friends I reconnect with on social media, how much more important to be wise about connecting with exes?
I need advise because I dont know what to do. I have been with my husband for 23 years and before we got together he was with a woman for a year and had a baby. I understand them having contact because of their child when she was younger but why now? since last year his ex has been texting him all the time. He has picked her up to go clubing. she is single and the only thing they have in common is their daughter. Their daughter does not like me and we dont talk. My husband says there is nothing going on and that if she asks to come with him to a club and he has room in the car he will say yes.
My husband has a way with words, he says he has principles and that he would not have a relationship with her. The ex was on holiday so all was quiet untill the day after her returning from holiday she got their daughter to phone him if he could take them to another city to a party, he said no because i dont like it but when we had a discussion i told him to act like a man so then he said he was going to take them because of what i said. I feel like i am in a no win relationship. Im very angry with him,
How about this question? My husband has an ex-girlfriend from many years ago. I really had no issues with her or there very sporadic contact…heck he even came to a wedding in another country without me, but that she was attending because I had no issue. A later wedding, I did attend and met her for the first time. She wrote to my husband, later asking about various life questions…still no problem. My problem came in when last year she wrote to him and told him of her impending divorce, before her family knew. This sticks with me oddly. It is an intimate sort of discussion, one that seems odd to share with a former partner. I should give you a few other insights…they did have a multi-year relationship of 10 years, so not so different from a marriage at that point…not a simple dating for a couple of years. She cheated on him when he was away working in another country (and I suspect that maybe she likes various attention but that is suspect, where as other things are facts). I also suspect that her sister, who is a good friend of my husband and in theory, was a friend to me via my husband, shared that we had had marriage difficulties a couple of years ago…so when she writes to him with this information shared, to a person who may have a shaky relationship, I feel little uncomfortable. I did not stop him from writing her but said, you need to be careful of the signals you send.
Now, my suspicion that she knows some aspects of our marriage vulnerabilities comes from a recent event. You see we’ve split up after a lot of fighting and issues. We considered, to some small degree, trying to work on it. But my husband tends to share details of our demise quite quickly to the public, this includes this ex’s sister. Well low and behold, the ex writes to him (but accidentally to our shared email) to say I hear you’ve got troubles and I hope you can come out friends. Well I’ve blown my top as this sister really had no right to share it with anyone as it was a private matter shared with only her and her husband, and she claims that the ex really has big hopes for our success (not sure how we could come out of it with friends was a real optimistic message for the marriage) but I feel it is very, very wrong for this ex to write to my husband, and my husband alone, to provide a comforting shoulder to talk to which can really only be the explanation for someone writing to someone possibly on the brink of divorce! And this can only encourage a husband to feel a sharing of details he’s had an intimate relationship with, as far nicer than a marriage he currently has but has issues. All marriages have issues, but if someone – who is seeking validation because her husband cheated on her – gives a false respite to your marriage issues, it is giving a false mirage of hope when lives and marriages are at stake.
Of course my husband doesn’t agree with my logic and I fear that despite my writing to the sister to explain why this wasn’t right of her to share and why it wasn’t right of her sister to be opening up a single dialogue with my husband, he will carry on a writing relationship with her because he does not see that it is damaging for him to not work on our marriage, by allocating his time, energy and sharing elsewhere but also, it shows how little he regards this feeling for me that someone can jump in from the past and think that their place is in our marriage, even in a small degree.
Ginny, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It must be so difficult.
Just a thought, though. Right now you’re actually separated, right? That means that you likely have some huge issues you need to work on and address, and likely working with a counselor may help.
Probably the first step is to establish common ground: what you are good at together, where you’d like your life to go, etc.
I agree that this is wrong what he has done, but I think that by focusing on this now you may derail the relationship you’re trying to rebuild. You have to be strategic and start with the big things, not all the little things that are really symptoms of a bigger problem.
I’m not saying let it go forever; I’m just saying that this is likely not the hill to die on at this point. It’s likely better to shelve it and have a third party help you through counseling to reestablish a relationship first.
Hi Sheila,
Many thanks for your suggestion…though I am not sure there is much that can be changed. I asked my husband if he was writing to her and I have deep suspicions that he is (I saw a message come through on his phone when we met up yesterday to work on re-connecting) and he barefaced lied to me. He does this where he lies, and I have to accept it… I cannot accept lies, I hate lies but I am the bad person for not accepting the lies. He also does this duplicitous thing. I am the one who has set aside my sword of our fights to reach out to him, I was plenty angry about our situation (he left me alone for Christmas and new year’s, apart from many other past issues) but I put my sword down to try to repair this…I’ve bought endless books on the matter but this was a last straw for me. I put aside my pride for our marriage but he cannot put aside an ex-girlfriends feelings (and I’d say poor behaviour) for the good of our marriage. So I already said, that’s it, I’m out. I cannot keep putting my feelings aside and trying to help us, while he can be downright rude to me and do things like hide messages from this ex and continue a behaviour that is not helpful to our marriage. there is only so much a person can swallow.
I was mainly seeking on here, as it seem to indicate some ground rules for ex’s and as my husband does not see her writing to him as damaging, nor if he were to continue a dialogue with her as such and clearly her family (his friends) don’t see an issue with it, so I am a lone voice about an issue that I think isn’t that hard to interpret how it can undermine our marriage, how it could make me feel in the setting we are in, yet I am getting people saying manipulative statements to allow for a carte blanche situation.
I’m a firm believer that the moment one says “I DO”, should simultaneously say “I DON’T” to any past exes. Any one who insists on keeping a close relationship with his/her ex other than important issues concerning any minor (minor meaning under the age of 18 – adult children don’t need mama’s or dada’s permission and usually have their own cell phones) along with also realizing that this type of odd relationship jeopardizes new relationships but doesn’t care anyway and still continues it regardless of how much it bothers a new partner, is either not over their ex or allows their ex to control them out of fear. So, if one of you is experiencing this strange “trio” problem, either give them an ultimatum to end it immediately, or walk out yourself…
AMEN
Amen.
So here’s my dilemma…
The man whom I’ve been with for almost 7yrs has put me through hell and back has cheated on me I forgave him we worked it out. I’ve caught him texting his oldest son’s mother inappropriate things. I’ve caught him texting an ex inappropriate things and other women inappropriate things on numerous occasions. I’ve threatened to leave him and he says he didn’t mean it or some he has denied. A few months back he put a stupid password on his phone which already put up red flags in my mind. For the longest he has been claiming he has nothing to hide that he’s not doing anything wrong. Then yesterday he let our daughter play a game on his phone.. which I took the perfect opportunity to go through his phone and below and behold I find a text to his so “called younger sons mother” she’s asking him for $$for babysitting he’s asking how much then she say $30 and then he says “you gotta give me some of that “p word” “lol” I’m so angry I’m hurt I don’t know what to do. I know I am going to confront him but how.I’m so disgusted. How could he look me in my face or kiss me and tell me that he loves me knowing he’s text another woman these things?. I feel like I’ll never trust him that the texting of inappropriate things to other chicks is not going to stop and the women have no respect and I just look stupid because they know I’m with him. I’m stuck I love him so much we have a child but I.don’t want he growing up thinking it’s ok to.be with somebody who thinks they can have cake and eat it too. Please help any advice would be great
Angleyez: Most cheaters will deny until they’ve been caught red handed. Having constant contact with an ex is not acceptable; especially when it’s sexual. If you’re spouse is texting, emailing or speaking with someone of the opposite sex, you should be a part of that conversation. The fact that he’s commenting on anything sexual should give you enough reason to leave him. There is no forgiving at this point. He had that option already and lied to you again. Sorry, but the man obviously hasn’t learned his lesson and I have to wonder if he and his ex split up for the same reason. You need to make plans to leave and start over with your life. You are in a very unhealthy relationship. You will find someone that respects and loves you, but take care of yourself and your children first. That’s what matters right now. You will be okay, just plan it out right and move away from what will be a life of lies and distrust. Good luck to you.
I am really going through a situation to where my fiancé is still talking to a girl he knew from high school. They have had sex three time and was together for four months n me just finding out been together on and off since we have still been together. He is still texting her and they still talk on the phone and she still calling him baby and Saying that she miss and love him. She want him to leave me. She keep asking him when is he coming home and how long is it going to take for him to leave me! He also take his phone with me anywhere he goes and he has a passccode on his phone and have his phone on silent all day long this have been going on since he have been talking to her I don’t want to throw a ten year relationship away. What am I to do about this situation!?
WAKE UP …. HELP HIM PACK N MOVE ON…END OF STORY.IF YOU’RE SMART.
I found out my husband has been in contact with his X since we got together…almost 17 years ago. When I first met him, his x wanted him back. Then a few years later she wanted him back again. THEN we moved to Fla and he stayed connected to her via email. Now I know for certain since 2011 he was talking to her on a regular basis and in 2008 he met her for lunch/coffee?? While we lived in Fla and he was up visiting family in WI. I know this because one day he used my computer to log into FB and left his page up. There was a message from her right in front of me. I decided to check the history on his PM which is totally against all that I would do. Who wouldn’t at that point? I found chatting from 2011…lots… and “love ya’s, miss you… etc. But mostly chatting about their lives. Never once mentioned me. hmmmm. However he talks about her all the time. I think a few months ago when I called him on this he told her no more PM on facebook because… yes … he STILL leaves his FB page up there for me to see. Maybe he’s testing me. I am a free spirit and I am not the jealous type however I find myself second guessing our whole relationship. We got married in 2010 and he tells me there is no one he’d rather be with. Yet he has this secret. Oh… he doesn’t know that I KNOW about all that intimate conversation.
Mine is a little different, Im recently married and my husband sees nothing wrong with him and his ex communicating texting/talking on a daily basis.. The thing with him he does have kids with her and for the most part it is about the kids so he says. I have no reason not to believe him. I have kids myself and don’t communicate with my ex no where near that… maybe once a week. I would just like to know your thoughts on this matter because it’s literally driving me crazy. His ex still depends on him for everything and she is also remarried.. I get that she will always be there because she is the mother of his kids and that yes they do have to communicate but what is too much.. The way I feel.. I feel like if they can get along so great and communicate with each other on a daily basis then why are they divorced? Why are they putting their kids through a split up home.
Someone plz advise me what to do or not..?
I have been married 10year now . when I got married , I didn’t know that he had girlfriend and we had big conversation we gonna forget our past whatever we have .. He Loves me so much and I also love him but ..after six year I found out he has girlfriend and he is still communicating with his ex-gf . I told my husband it’s not good for our relationship . He told me everthing about there past ..how he got married with me ..because his parents force him to do..but I told my husband that’s not falt why you are giving me so much stress .. But he said..he can’t live without me ‘ whenever I trust him he disappointed me . I am having a mentally stress . He is still hanging out his exgf .even he doesnot show me his phone cuz he knows that if I find out something I am gonna leave . I have a kids and his ex girlfriend also have kids . I heard she did divorce because she still loves my husband too .
My husband had 1600 texts with a co-worker last year. I confronted him and he said they would stop. We changed his phone number and while things were slightly better my gut said something was going on. In December I found texts on his work phone between the two of them again and these were explicit texts. Texts you would have with someone you are sleeping with. I am devastated. It’s been two weeks and I’m still trying to deal with everything. My husband and I want to work things out, but my trust is just not in the working it out part at all. How do I let go of the pain and hurt? Does it ever go away?
Hi Chavon,
I’m so sorry for this! I can just imagine how devastated you are.
One thing, though: I don’t think you can let go of the pain and the hurt until you’ve actually dealt with the problem–gone to see a counselor, get things in place so that you know he won’t text her again (which probably involves an accountability partner and perhaps even changing jobs).
You can’t rush to forgive–you do need to deal with the pain first. So I really pray that you find a good counselor to talk to! And rest assured–couples HAVE come through things like this and emerged really strong. I have known so many to do this! But you can’t do that unless you first really deal with everything that has happened openly.
Many blessings on you.
I have a confession. I’ve talked to my ex for four months during my first year of marriage. We were talking through email. We’re both in the military and she went away on deployment. How I meet up was in one of the emails I wrote I wished I could have kissed her even if it was for two seconds. My wife saw the email. Now I’m out the house and when I tell her that she’s nothing to me that I really didn’t want to do it and I didn’t she still wants a divorce. I’m trying so hard to fix this. I know I meet up and I know I shouldn’t have written to her but I want wanted to show her the support she showed me when I was away. Still I know it doesn’t mean I should have written something like I wish I could have kissed her. I just want my wife back. I want my family back. I want to go home
Yes, That’s the reason why I dont want my fiance talk on the phone with his ex. I asked him to text her regarding to the kids only. It sounds mean but I dont’ want thing happen the same as your situation. There is always a thin line between those conversation, you may tired of your current wife for a moment, or your guys just had a big argument on something, then you will seek to your ex and share… I don;t think any wife would like that situation.
So my husband has an ex wife who has cheated on him with his cousin. He forgave them both because he was unhappy in the first place. They have three children together. My husband and i have two of our own. Everyday she asks him questions with advice to help her do something she doesn’t know how to do, or something she doesn’t know about . They are Facebook friends and shes constantly tagging him on their past memories or photos. Which i find a little disrespectful. She married his cousin but she still continues to ask for my husband’s help with things. Shouldn’t she be asking her husband? And how can i put an end to this without fighting with my husband about it? She has text him before while my husband was sick that she still care about him and she has feelings too. I told him that was inappropriate, and he still continued to text. I do not know what to do.
I feel your pain and frustration. I am in a sort of similar situation and my husband ex will send the occasional text with an image of two people holding hands and with a love theme, or send him pics on his phone of the their kids from like 15 years ago. I have approached him and his reply is “ok, tell me what to say to her”. My frustration is I would really rather it comes from him. I think in a sick way this is like an ego booster for men , that their ex’s are still after them. Some of my friends think I need to take a harsher side. Part of me is thinking maybe we should just approach the exes and forget about our husbands?
My Fiance proposed to me 6 months ago and I said yes! We have been together for almost four years now. We are both divorced. He was married to his ex for 20 years and have been divorced for eight years. He has two girls, one is twenty-two, and the other one is eighteen. He is an awesome father and his children and I get along fine. The eighteen year old is getting ready to go to college and we have planned to get married later in the year. I recently found out that he has frequent communication with his ex-wife on a social level. I understand communications that have to do with the kids, but mostly this is just very friendly conversation. I was not aware of this kind of a relationship that they had. He told me they only communicated where the kids were concerned. She remarried about 5 years ago. She never mentions her husband and he never mentions me in any of his texts. And he has never mentioned any of the conversations they had to me. She would travel to her home town and bring back his favorite snack. There was always happy birthday, happy fathers day, happy mothers day, merry Christmas, happy thanksgiving, etc., and I had no idea. Now that I know and have talked to him about it he says I’m insecure. He has even deleted text messages between them now, or calls her from work. I love him very much, but I am having second thoughts about moving in with him in a couple months and getting married. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing. I’ve read this is common in men that were married for a long time, 20 years plus. They don’t want to be with their exes anymore but they don’t want to let go of what’s familiar.
I don’t know how to response to all of you. But I have been in the same situation. My fiance has been married to his ex 20 plus year with 4 kids. They are 17,18 to 20.. He has been talking to her weekly, do some stuffs for her too. I was mad, so I told him, whatever you is doing right now that hurts me. He said he will stop doing things for her, but he still talk to her about kids, but I secretly looked at his text message once time, and found out they also talked about life, their parents stuff. We had a talk again, he promised not to talk to her, just texting about the kids. I agreed. But today I found out he was on the phone with her for 15 minutes or so. What should I do? He has been divorced almost 3 years ago. he just made a promise not do so 3 days ago. I love him, but I can walk away with that kind of love right?
Hi Becky, I’m not really sure how to answer this because I don’t know all the details. But I think if you have four kids together it actually is quite healthy to be talking about them. It’s better to be on the same page, and you’re both going to be concerned about them and it’s good to connect over them. It makes it so much easier for the kids. And just because you divorce doesn’t mean you stop caring for the parents-in-law. My mother stayed closer to her former father-in-law his whole life, even 30 years after a divorce, than she did to her own parents. That was actually quite healthy.
If he loves you and is with you and doesn’t want to go back to her, is it a big deal if they’re simply talking about people who need them and with whom they still have a relationship? Maybe instead of feeling threatened by it you could participate in the conversations and start talking to her, too, and make a friend of her? Do things with the kids yourself, and then talk to her about it, rather than resenting everything he does with his former family?
I think if your heart isn’t big enough for the children (who still love their mother and who will always have the mother in their lives) then it likely isn’t ready for marriage to this man.
On the other hand, if he honestly is pursuing a relationship with his ex-wife, then that obviously is a different story. But I think just getting involved and embracing this crazy family life is likely a healthier way to do it than to demand that he cut off conversation, when they’ve simply been talking about the kids and the parents, you know?
Hi Sheila,
Thanks for your time to reply to me. I have been thinking about what you say. I have no problem with his kids at all. I even shop to buy stuff for them one in awhile. It’s okay if he texts message to her regarding to the kids. It’s normal. Because I’m divorced mother with 2 boys also. That’s why I understand him. But talking on the phone for 15 minutes, and doing stuff behind my back. I dont think it’s okay. I hang out with his kids, eating with them. But I prefer not talk to his ex or being friends at all. If he keeps doing it, and lie to me, I will leave him. I love him but not that’s enough to embrace their relationship. It hurts and bother me. If the man love you, but he keeps doing that hurt and bother you. Should you stay with him?
It’s not the fact that if he is talking to an ex lover or friend you are insecure if he is talking to them it is a matter of respect. If an ex lover knows that their ex male lover is married,she should respect that and ask herself, would she want this done to her. Secondly, please dismiss me with, “If you keep you marriage fresh,then the husband would not have to see or help an ex. So let me ask you this, and I am dealing with this now. Almost every one of my husbands female friends that I may have met or in passing game he has slept with. I am surrounded by it. Oh we used to mess around and oh, we used to go out ,and oh, we used to do this and that and a yadda yadda whatever. Respect is what matters. If I were a single woman and my male friend got married, I have got to back off because the bible does say forsake all others. It is about you and your spouse not the whole train and then some. It’s hard to keep the marriage,”fresh” as you might say knowing that almost every female you know though your husband, he has slept with and will start comparing them to you in the bedroom. How do you compete with that. Come on. How can you compete with that. All that to say this. I screwed up my marriage by not being over sexed with my husband. If I react, then it is my fault. I have no right to feel the way I do. I screwed up and now I am paying the price. My husband called me a fat a** a mother****er. I guess I should be in the mood after that is told to me right. My husband does not love me. He has always spewed divorce when I did something wrong. He said that he is living in hell. I ough th to be ashamed of myself making my husband live in hell.vi am a horrible spouse and he deserves better than me. I hope he finds someone that will desire him like he wants morning,noon, and night. He has provided names of women who lusted and desired him.
My dad was right. No one will ever want to marry you and if you do get married he will be living in he’ll because if me.
Oh, Kelli, I’m so, so sorry that you’re hurting this way! So sorry. You’re right–those women SHOULD respect the sanctity of marriage, absolutely. But what your dad said wasn’t true. It simply wasn’t. There are wonderful men out there. Just great men. And there are really awful men who are selfish and need to hurt others to feel good about themselves. It sounds like your husband is like that. And no, being “oversexed”, as you say, will not fix that kind of character flaw because sex is supposed to be about intimacy, not just release. I hope that you surround yourself with positive people who do see the good in the world and want to make the world a better place. I hope you can find a good church or something like that where you can see that not all men are like your husband. And I hope you can feel how much God loves you, because it sounds like you’ve been seriously let down by the men in your life.
My husband of 23 years has sent a condolence to his first x wife whom he was married to for only a year some 35 years ago. He never told me but I found out from the obits just his week that her mother passed, she was 96.. He sent the condolence to her with a note to contact him. I am so very upset but I must also relay to you that I caught him cheating on me for the past 10 years with men and probably women registering on bi and swinger websites. This is the last straw. Do I have reason to be upset with his going behind my back and telling her to contact him??
As a godly husband, I know the experience of having a spouse contact a former lover…It is a gross feeling of disrespect and betrayal….My wife had an ex lover and they got involved sexually. When we met, I didn’t get the complete history of the two of them…She even took his phone call while out to dinner with my parents… After we married and moved in..She stated that no him better than she does. What was odd to was that he was engaged to be married at the time….He would actually call and email her while I was at work…..One day I picked up the phone and it was him…He mentioned that he knew how to handle her…She later took me to his wedding and I saw her face as she was still attached to this guy…She says I’m making this up, but I have my discernment…After her former got married they still talked and emailed each other…one day I found an email, and told him to back off…..13 years later, it’s still a wedge in our marriage and I now believed she had an emotional affair…I don’t see her the same anymore….Exs are exactly that, and existing should be penetrated in any way by an ex…If one spouse doesn’t like the communication it should end…
My husband and I have been married 20 years. I am white and he is black. His child from his first marriage of 5 years is now 40 years old, his child from his second girlfriend lasted 2 years, she is now 27 years old. Every since we have been married he has constantly talked to them, gave them money,let them use his bank card , etc. He never told me any of this,I found out by accident quite a few times in different ways. We have argued about this forever. This past christmas he left his phone at home and I went through it. I read texts where he was asking one of his exes how much money he could give her so she could buy her mother a christmas present. He had been raising kane about me buying gifts for christmas even though I work 2 jobs and it was my own money I spent. My birthday was also 9 days before christmas. Not only did he not even say happy birthday but he also gave his grown daughter his bank card to take his ex out to eat because it was also her birthday. When he had found out I went through his phone he said I (I) ruined christmas and didn’t speak to me for almost 3 weeks. We had a big blow out in January about all of this (like we have for years) and I told him if I ever went through that again I was leaving. He told me that they were and always would be his family and that is the way black people are. ALL of my friends are black…I have asked old black men and old black women, I have asked young black men and young black women…all of them are saying that is a lie, that if he’s not with them , he is trying to be. On fathers day I asked if his kids called, he said yes. Well it turned out that one kid called the other “kid” was his ex-wife. Last night after I went to bed he talked to the ex girlfriend for 17 minutes (I pay the phone bill so I know). I cannot take it anymore and I guess he thinks I am kidding after this many years of arguing about it.
Hi,my husband and I been married for 13 yrs. He has been texting and talking to his ex a girlfriend before and now.,I question him,but he claims nothing is going on,but my problem is he text her everyday behind my back,letting her know every move he makes,like daily events,etc…they don’t have kids together, jus memories, but don’t understand,why,if I confronts him,he act like (and?),as though,what’s the problem. I mean its like good morning, I mean jus keeping in touch everyday,she doesn’t stay here,need some answers
Is this cheating?,oh yeah she’s married too,gold figure right,but had the nerves to tell my husband he’s texting other females on Facebook,okay then,what you doing?,he’s aware of her doing what she’s doing,but what makes her think he suppose to do,Nothing,but get this it hurts her for what he’s doing to her,but not realizing,the feeling is future.
My husband and I have been separated for 5 years. We were married 25 years and we have one young adult son. Our son has had some issues and he is working them out. He currently lives with me and my husband calls and texts daily to see what’s going on. We chose not to divorce until our son is on firm ground. My husband has started talking to a friend who is a woman 4 to 5 times a week. I noticed a change in how he speaks to me since the.n. Aggravated and uptight. He is stressing me out while he has fun on the other side. I say I got to get a divorce because I’m not going to be compared to their lighthearted conversations when mine or stressful. I did tell him I would not be calling after a divorce. Can’t stand the thought of someone else involved in my parenting. Problem is our son is going to only tell him what he wants to hear and not all the details. He wants to have this friend but open access to me. I say you want to call me to question what is going on you have to stop calling this woman because it has changed how he talks to me. He thinks I’m wrong. Actually headed to an attorney to start the process. Only issue is I really needed him for a sounding board. Frustrated he doesn’t see my point. Am I wrong?
My husband had his past, after 8 years which he started having more communication again in present with his ex facing her divorce with 12 years of marriage two kids and now they both claim to love each other and want to be one. 8 months passed back and forth i have moved out two times and third time he came and told my parents its not working and we should separate. after 2 months of this last time he has told me again that he wants to be part of marriage and want me back home, but when i ask about his ex – he said its a past and she would remain just a friend in future and when she needs me i will help her – i said its not fair on me and i didnt question the friendship until you both crossed the line and now if you want to be in marriage you would have to put a full stop on your friendship only then we can move ahead. please suggest…if i am doing anything wrong or there is a better way to handle this
Mansi, if your husband was having a flirtatious communication with his ex, I don’t think it is completely appropriate to say “We can be together, but not if you have any relationship with her.” If they had children together and split custody, that would be a different story because then he’d be choosing his kids or his wife. But in this kind of situation, I think that’s pretty fair, to be honest.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all.
I have been a single mother for 5 years after my husband disappeared with his mistress in to the thin air. I have done all my possible best to get my husband back home but instead he filed for divorce.
The summary of it all is that Just last month my husband has gone to meet my parents with loads of apology, he has gone there like 15 times without my knowledge asking forgiveness. He has come back to his rightful sense and right now my family is on my tail demanding that I forgive him.
Wow, Michelle. I think that is your decision. And I’d like to know–did the mistress leave him, so he’s alone and doesn’t want to be, or has he truly changed heart?