How do I know when it’s okay to give up on my marriage?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I’m going to do a heartbreaking one: When have I done enough and tried hard enough to save my marriage? I get variations on this quite frequently, and I’ll share two with you today:
It took me a long time to figure out why I was so angry at him for so many years. It felt like he was holding back love and affection from me and that he didn’t care about or for me. Even when I tell him I would like to be hugged or touched he could barely do it. I feel rejected from my husband. Being a Christian woman I do not believe in leaving and I really do not want to. I feel like a prisoner in this relationship. I cannot leave for the commitment I made but I am dying inside with lack of affection. What am I to do? How much daily rejection can I keep taking. I touch him nicely on the shoulders or back and he acts like I am not even there. He has all sorts of “good” reasons to not be affectionate to me they all stem to something I said or did years ago.
Here’s another:
My husband has been pushing me away last November. This last June it got to the point where he wasn’t talking to me anymore and asked for more space and independence. I freaked out and took my kids to my in-laws, in another state for a long weekend to give him space. When I got back he told me that he’s been thinking about divorce or separation for a year now. At first I chased him, begging him to not leave me. Then, in the middle of summer, I started working on my relationship with God and got really close to Him. It seemed to help me emotionally, but every week there would be a set back in our relationship. Around our anniversary he got really nice and started acting like the old days again. However, after finding condoms and phone records of him talking every day to and from work to a woman he works with, our “progress” was set back 10 fold. After many talks, he’s realizing now that I’m going to look out for our young kids and myself. I’m falling out of love for him, like he says he’s not in love with me anymore. We don’t trust each other. How can this possibly work? I don’t want to disappoint God by leaving this loveless marriage. I’ve tried several things to work on my end-praying, reading my Bible, trying not to be selfish, figuring out his love language and working on that, the Love Dare, etc. Thoughts?
I can just hear the heartbreak in these women’s letters. The first woman, as far as I know, is living in a loveless marriage but not necessarily in one that involves an affair. The second one looks like it does.
'When is it okay to give up on my loveless marriage?' Some thoughts.Click To Tweet
Is There A Sign That Tells You When to Give Up on Your Marriage?
I can’t tell you how to know when to give up on your marriage. I don’t know both sides of the situation, and most stories are really, really complicated. That’s why I absolutely believe that if you’re walking through something this lonely and this difficult you simply must get help–a third person to talk to. Maybe that’s a counsellor, or a pastor, or a mentor. Maybe it’s even a mentor couple who can sit down with the both of you. But you really need someone who knows you in real life, who knows your husband, who understands the situation, and who can help pray with you, hold you accountable, and also tell you when it’s just too dangerous to stay (because in abusive situations, or situations where affairs or porn use have become too rampant, it just may be).
Thus, likely the first thing you should do is find that someone to talk to. I know that can be difficult, especially if you or your husband are on a leadership position in the church. But you simply must. And remember: the embarrassment of finding someone to talk to is still less than pulling the family apart when no one understands why.
Sometimes Separation is a Good Life Lesson–and Can Save a Marriage
Let’s take a situation where a guy has been texting another woman, and refuses to give her up, but wants to stay at home. Or a situation where your husband refuses to get a job because he likes living at home, but also won’t care for the kids when he is at home. In these cases, what a guy may very well need is a kick upside the head. And the best way to give it to him, sometimes, is for reality to sink in. “What you are doing now will end the marriage.” If you continue on this path, we cannot go on.
So find that someone to talk to, and ask them to help you pray through and figure out if this is the right strategy. Separation does not always end in divorce–quite often it ends in reconciliation. When you start to both realize what it’s like to live apart, and he understands how hard it will be to live like that, he may get a new lease on life.
That’s also much of what James Dobson recommends in Love Must Be Tough, about how to help a wayward spouse understand the consequences of what they are doing. You can read more about that here. Separating does not always mean you are giving up on your marriage.
If Your Marriage Collapses Because of Something Your Spouse Did, You Are Not a Failure
If your marriage collapses because of something your spouse did, you are not a failure.Click To TweetWhen you walked down the aisle I’m sure you never dreamed that your marriage would end. You thought you’d make it through to the end, grow old together, live happily ever after.
That was likely an important value to you. You grew up revering marriage and wanting to honour it. Many on this blog also have a Christian element to it; we know God hates divorce, and so how can we fail in this big a way? Will God be angry?
God hates divorce because of what it does to families and communities, but He does not hate the person who divorces. And He, unlike the rest of us, is also able to see to the heart. He understands the turmoil, and He knows what went in to the marriage deteriorating.
I once heard a speaker couple at a marriage retreat say that if both parties want to work to save a marriage, then that marriage has about a 95% chance of making it, no matter how big the problems are. On the other hand, if only one person wants to work to save the marriage, that marriage has a much lower chance of making it, no matter how small the problems are.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your spouse decides that the marriage isn’t worth it. Your spouse moves on. God sees that, God understands, and God is still with you and is still carrying you, and is determined to care for your children, too. God took care of me after my parents’ divorce, and He can take care of your kids, too.
Be Wary of Searching for Justification to Leave
One word of caution, though: when we are completely and utterly miserable in our marriage, and we want to give up trying, quite often we look for reasons to leave. I think that’s why many of these women write to me. They want to be told: you’ve tried hard enough, and it’s okay to leave.
But in Christian circles, the only justification for leaving tends to be adultery, abuse, or addictions. Many women close to me have tried to “blow up” their husbands habits to fit with one of these things. I had one close friend tell me her husband was an alcoholic because he had a beer every night after work. (When they split up, he didn’t increase his drinking at all, and has always been a light drinker). I had another woman tell me that her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive towards the kids because he was much harsher than she was. Yet when they split up, she somehow agreed to him getting the kids about 2/3 of the time. And I had another woman tell me that her husband, who was in counseling for a porn addiction and was now getting clean, had committed adultery with porn and thus she was justified in leaving.
Some guys do commit adultery, some are abusive, and some are addicted. But be careful of labelling your husband in one of these camps because you want to be able to say, “I had no choice but to leave”, or “I have biblical grounds.” Leaving an alcoholic husband is different from giving up on marriage to a guy who is a workaholic who may drink a beer every now and then. Again, this is why having someone walk through this with you in real life is so important.
How do you know when you've done all you can to try to save your marriage?Click To TweetWill I Be Miserable Forever if I Don’t Leave?
I don’t know. But here’s what I do know, and this is a really, really hard thing to say, and even harder to hear: Your happiness, and your misery, is not God’s primary concern. What He really cares about is your character. Now I don’t believe that God zaps us and punishes us until we learn something important (though He does discipline us), but just because you’re miserable does not mean that you have reason to leave a covenant. I can understand the pain in the first letter writer’s words, for instance, but that does not look like divorce is the answer in that case.
There are times when you have virtually no choice, and when giving up on your marriage is the healthiest thing to do for all involved. But these are the MINORITY of divorces, not the majority. And the vow really does matter. I have known many marriages that were utterly miserable for ten years that turned around afterwards.
Whether or not you will be miserable forever largely depends upon what you do from this time forward. Sometimes the way forward means recognizing that you may have been contributing to the problem and driving him away, as this post shows:
Sometimes, though, it really is because he’s checked out emotionally. In that case, these posts may help:
Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage (and changing the things you can!)
“I Messed Up“. How recognizing your own wrong (even if it’s minor) can help you change the bigger things in your marriage.
Living in a Loveless Marriage
Encouragement for Those in Tough Marriages
I know many of you are looking for a simple statement–you can leave IF he does this. You want to know when to give up on your marriage, because you’re desperate for some simple sign. But I don’t think that simple test exists. I have known marriages that have survived huge affairs and I have known marriages that have not survived an emotional texting affair. There is not a black and white answer, because every relationship is different.
These things I do know, though: God is with you, always. God wants to help you do the right thing. Having someone walk alongside you and help you see things clearly and pray for you is crucial.
So please, talk to someone in real life, and pray hard. Don’t despair. No matter what happens, it is never the end of God’s plan for your life, and He can work even in a miserable marriage, or a lonely, sad divorce.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage is an analogy of our relationship with God. Regardless of what we do, God never “divorces” us. We may distance ourselves from Him, even give up, but He never gives up on us. That is the model I try to emulate. For me, I might separate if things got extremely bad (like abuse), but always with the hope and intent of reconciliation. I find the book of Hosea to be my guide in this area. So, for me, divorce was never an option, even in the lowest parts of our marriage.
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That’s what I wanted to write… Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Sadly we live in a world where being divorced is not a choice though. No matter how committed we are to never getting a divorce, with no fault divorce laws, all our dedication means nothing if our spouse demands a divorce. We can even go to court to fight it, and still find ourselves divorced,
my spouse divorce me and I didn’t want it.
I tried hard and prayed but the divorce went through! I kept praying and fasting and believing but
it was fictionalized January 2016. We have a 7yr old daughter and was married for 12 yrs.
I love him but I God says all things work together for the good for them that love the Lord and called by his purpose.
Charlene Im praying for you my heart is breaking. I too am going through divorce. My wife wants it I dont. I have nothing to say only that I’m praying for you. I HATE THAT THE DEVIL TAKES MARRIAGES
i want to speak to women who goes thru rejection in marriage.like where your spouse jus doesnt touch u o wana hve sex with u
Emily. This is months later. I am going through this problem. My heart is breaking and I cannot stop crying. This is my third marriage and I thought God had sent me the man of my dreams. I love him so. At first he was so caring, talkative, friendly, loving and our marriage was romantic and we had a good sex life. Slowly about a year a go the sex slowed down, then he refused to kiss me, and claimed my breath was bad. I went to dentist but still he had excuses. Then the sex went to once a month and then six months ago he said he was off me and did not want sex with me again. he now hardly looks at me and watches tv and wont talk. I know he is not having an affair because he never goes out.
I try to talk and he says if you don’t like it leave. I am so lost and sad
My story is the same as Jane’s. 20 yrs & no affection, & always excuses, we even sleep separately. I’m so lonely it hurts.
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I try so so hard to fix it everytime things r back to normal he destroy it does things I would dream of doing thinks ok money isssues. Things r late he lies look had other women the phone constaley I am so done
We fight almost daily. One argument after another. To the point of screaming, slamming doors, he has even broken things. I want to hate him but I love him. I want to make the marriage work but yet I can barely stand another day in it. We have a small baby, only a year old. He threatens me, he will take my child, my home, if we were to divorce. I couldn’t stand to lose my child, he is my world. I stay, I pray, I want better. My child deserves better. I don’t see any end in sight. Only anger, coldness hate exist in his heart.
S, I feel for you and pray God will give you clear guidance and strength. Generalization should always be taken with a grain of salt — as a married men with many married men friends, I think one common reason for men to detach is we feel a lack of “respect.” Lack of respect hurts men like there is no tomorrow and we clam up like little boys. Men need their “respect” in different ways, some see it in sex, praises, acknowledgement of ideas, lack of criticism and/or need for them (who doesn’t want to FEEL like a white knight, though we may be lazy to do the work). Treat us like boys because most of us (regardless of age) still think like boys. Yet, work on yourself and make yourself more attractive Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and Spiritually (i.e. PIES) for YOURSELF (not for him) — it will make you feel better. Then, decide if you want to use your upgraded self on this man child of a husband of yours who clams up instead of addressing issues. It’s not fair — because you are the more mature one in this relationship. I do not think any straight man can resist a charismatic wife who nonetheless treats him like he is the best cheese on earth. He will then be scared of losing you (even though you do not give him any reason to — because we are also insecure boys). Charisma is an overall package. I don’t know if this “battle plan” would work for you — pray to God for guidance in any case — but at a minimum you would end up being better than before (you may already be great, but we can always improve). As you improve yourself, focus on yourself and God — pray for your husband, then Let Go and Let God. May God hear our prayers, we who want to fight for marriage as you intended marriage to be — where a wife respects (and loves) her husband and a husband loves (and respects) his wife.
My husband and I are the same way…fighting constantly just over little things. He can say an Apple is red and we’d fight about how red. Almost 3 years ago he left me and was gone for a month with my best friend of 25 years but he came to his senses and I begged and cried and pleaded until he came back….it’s just constant bickering and fighting now all the time. I love him to pieces but I can’t live a life of misery. Sometimes I wonder if I should have let him stay gone.
I am a 32-year-old grown man with the eight-year-old boy my significant other I was with for 13 years and then just last April I asked her to marry me so we got married now i’m so lonely I can get her to hold my hand kiss me tell me she loves me I don’t know what to do you would think 13 years then why would you get married well something in my heart told me to God I guess I was not raised religious I’m now finding my way because I have a healthy beautiful boy and I know God gave him to me so I know there’s a God but by reading your message it breaks my heart I feel the same way as a man I will tell you to hold your head up high and keep your faith maybe you need to scaring take the kids go to your moms making think he lost you and maybe only then he will see what he is going to lose but anyway I read your message and felt like I had to say something and this is the first time I’ve ever replied to one of these message boards but I do feel the same way I don’t know what to do I don’t I don’t want to separate or divorce because of my parents went through that and it hurt but I also know not to be together just for our kid but I cannot picture my life without her now yes we’ve had our problems in 13 years but as I got older and had our child with this woman that I do think she’s my soulmate better yeah I know she is but it’s like she gave up the more I try the less she does and I have to talking to her about this and she says every time and I quote if I didn’t want to be with you I wouldn’t be here so there it is anybody have any questions any suggestions feel free to ask but once again good luck in your situation your story just touch my heart and I wish you the best sincerely Travis
I think what you were saying about the justification thing is very important! Yes some of those things give a biblical reason to leave however there are still many that work through their issues and are stronger than ever before. It is because they made a choice to change and work together. My heart breaks for men and women in this situation. I will say a prayer!
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I love your emphasis on getting real help from a real life mentor/pastor/trusted friend. It’s the same thing I share with my readers. Real marriage still happens in real life; online ministries/access isn’t meant to be a replacement for real relationships and i think it’s important for writers and bloggers to keep pointing that out, to encourage people to connect and find real help in their lives.
Great thoughts.
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I took off of work for 3 months to work on fixing myself through God after finding out my wife had an affair. I was in a bad way as far as mental illness caused by secret drug addiction piled on top of recovering alcoholism that was traded in for our modern day doctor’s cure….. Pills. So yeah, huge mess. The pills made me a zombie so I used meth secretively to ” balance” to keep going at my job. Up and down, up and down was my vicious cycle of life. I became completely desensitized emotionally. Did not desire intimacy nor be involved in my biological son’s or stepchildren’s life and activities. She gave up and gave in to her own sin. Now I’ve totally forgiven her and hooray for me for finding light and realizing life ain’t so bad after all. The problem is that she, I believe is happy with her new freedom. We are separated living in two different homes. My son and I in one and her and her son and daughter in another. She’s shown very little interest in working on us. Its like she just wants it her way with no divorce. I am at the point of throwing in the towel. I don’t know what to do. I truly do not believe she’s for me or I’m the one for her. This is so hard. I have good Christian counselling but I don’t think they have all the answers.
I have been married for 29 years and I am hanging on in a difficult marriage. Every day is a struggle and I wait on the Lord and honor my covenant. Some days are okay, many are difficult. I plod on. I count my blessings. My husband is a lot of work.
I just returned from a 10 day visit in which I spent time at my parents’ house and the home of my in-laws, both Christian couples who have been married for 60 years plus. Both of these couples pick on and criticize each other 24/7, have nothing in common with each other, and do nothing fun with each other. It looks miserable and they are miserable to be around. It is demoralizing to think that this is what honoring the covenant looks like. There are a lot of days where I think that the Lord would be merciful in bringing one believer home so everyone could live in peace.
I just don’t know any married couples that look happy with each other, Christian or otherwise. Is this what it means to be married?
Scarlett,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Sounds like how my wife feels when she talks to me even though in my mind I am making an effort to work on our marriage of 8 years. I will pray for you and your situation. Seek Jesus in all things and pray for your husband as well. God can use us in any situation, continue to be obedient to him. The Lord brought you together for a reason and his work is not done. I am glad you can count your blessings. Know that you are not alone and others are lifting you up in prayer. Peace be with you.
NO!! I could tell that after we had our children, my husband and I (although still in a good relationship) were headed in the wrong direction in our marriage. I am so thankful that I found Sheila’s blog as well as one other blog very early on in our marriage (we’ve been married for almost five years) to correct my ways before we traveled too far down that path. However, God’s biblical plan for marriage is not for either spouse to be unhappy. It often happens that way, if both spouses aren’t committed to making it a happy marriage or perhaps they just don’t know how to do that or aren’t aware that what they are doing in the marriage is so damaging. For me, I just really didn’t see the error in my ways. I clearly do not know anything about your marriage, and you may be doing everything right in your marriage, but I wanted to share my experience in case you were in the same camp as me. I didn’t realize that the way I was acting or reacting to my husband was so damaging and was contributing to how my husband acted. I think that it is our responsibility to do whatever we personally can do to figure out where we are going wrong, and line up as best we can with what the bible teaches us we should do/how we should behave in our marriage. Hopefully, your husband will be as committed as you are to turning your marriage around, but even if he isn’t, a lot of times just seeing what you can do (because you are the only person you can control) to change the marriage can be a game changer. I’m sure that after 29 years of marriage you have a lot more baggage (more ingrained habits) to deal with than I had to deal with, but I have found several books helpful. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley are two that I’ve read on a long list that I would like to read. I found both very eye opening to the things that I was doing wrong. Don’t get me wrong, my husband had a lot to do with our marriage going down the wrong path as well, I am definitely not saying that your husband is blameless, but I found that by changing me (the one I could control), just by nature he changed his ways too. It is a daily conscious struggle to stay on the right path and often we both fail miserably. But now that I am conscious to the ways that my actions hurt our marriage, even if I do fail sometimes, we get ourselves back up on the right path. Hope this helps!
Scarlett: “There are a lot of days where I think that the Lord would be merciful in bringing one believer home so everyone could live in peace.” — I know EXACTLY what you mean. I remember the days of waking up and before my feet hit the floor begging God for the day to be over so I could just go back to bed. Those marriages that you’ve listed are poor examples “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”
Robyn Gibson recently posted…Sometimes Love is Just Hard
I’m so sorry to hear about your frustration, Scarlett. It is hard, in our society, to imagine the chain reaction of how our choices affect eternity. When reading about the lives of people who honoured God in the past, we can see how their lives fit into God’s plan in history, but sometimes we don’t understand how our lives can be part of God’s plan. God promises to honour covenants made in His name, but there is no Biblical (or modern experiential) precedent for guaranteed happiness. Kings, priests, prophets, and wives simply trusted that God was overseeing their lives and they kept their covenants. The Gospel has been passed from generation to generation because of faithfulness to God.
It’s too bad that you cannot recall any examples of “good” marriages, but they do exist as a testimony to the world of God’s faithfulness. You won’t find a perfect marriage in the Bible, or in your church, or in your family. But if you ask God to bring you contentment in the marriage He has chosen for you, you will be satisfied with His choice. To His glory.
Wonderful insight, Sheila. I can personally speak to being in so much emotional pain in my marriage that I simply couldn’t imagine how we could find happiness. The situation seemed hopeless, and more than anything, I just wanted the pain to stop. More than once, it looked like my husband and I wouldn’t make it.
We did. Thank God.
And years later, I am so glad I didn’t leave, that we stuck it out, that we dealt with our problems. We are most definitely a happily married couple now! For me, some of that involved sorting through was what really unbearable (had to change), what I didn’t like/hated but could live with (get over it), and where I was not living out godly principles toward my husband (change yourself first). Indeed, when we made our character issues the priority, happiness — at least for us — followed.
Yes, I believe some marriages can’t or won’t make it, but many could survive if they had hope that things could get better. My own relationship, and many others, are examples that challenging marriages can improve with time, effort, and prayer.
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Thanks for sharing J. I am in one of those seemingly hopeless places, but I continue to turn to God. I know He is good and I will remain faithful. I am grateful for such good resources out there like this one. God bless and again thank you for sharing your story of hope!
Hi J
Thanks so much for sharing a happy ending story.I am too in a similar situation. Daily I wake up with a hope that today things are going to be better but as the sun sets all expecttion also come down.please remember me in your prayer. I am mother of one daughter and married for almost three years. Peace be with you
My pastor tells a story about a man coming to him for counseling who wanted to get divorced because his wife was unfaithful, but the wife had repented and wanted to work on the marriage. At the end of the session, the man also asked for prayer for his brother. The brother had been on drugs and sucking money and time out of this man, and the man kept giving him money time and love whenever he saw him, even though the brother never changed. The pastor asked “why do you keep giving him your money and time even though he treats you horribly, but you can’t forgive your wife?” The man replied “well my brother is blood!”
The point is that we treat our spouses as a disposable relationship, while “blood family” relationships are usually not disposable, no matter what they do we love them. Something to think about.
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The Bible gives no circumstance where it is acceptable for a wife to divorce her husband. You may separate indefinitely if the situation is dangerous if you stay, but if you are with another man it is always adultery. That’s hard to hear but it is God’s way.
Before I get started, I do recognize, that there ARE times that the Bible IS in Fact clearly specific to a “husband”-(this) & a “Wife”-(that). As well as specific to a Man-(this) & a “Woman”-(that). However many times, the Bible says “man” – referring to “mankind/humankind”.
What you have said is WRONG!!! [According to you]… the Bible Says… “The Man” can give his Wife a certificate of divorce & send her away & it says “the Man” can divorce for “marital unfaithfulness” & In No way does it ever give a “wife” permission to divorce, regardless of her husbands actions. Or basically she’s a whore for the rest of her life because a “woman’s” Adultery “cannot” be forgiven by the shed blood of Christ. Only a Man’s repeated Adultery (during marriage to a faithfully, devoted wife) CAN be forgiven!!!??? – Sarcasm Intended! — Get a Concordance & figure out how to read your Bible -correctly! Again Many times the Bible says “man” – referring to “mankind/ humankind”. In your opinion, then – Are we to ignore the Psalms & Proverbs or any part of the Bible with the word “man” instead of “woman”? Wow!!! – how relieving that is, in some ways… “That says -Man- & I’m a woman, so -I- don’t have to do that part. Yay!” – AND – How utterly devistating in other ways, like God’s promises to ALL his children, but it says “son” so that promise isn’t for me, because I’m a “daughter”. NO!! Utterly Wrong!! Christ Calls His church His “BRIDE” – yet the church is comprised of “Men” & Woman. Hello! How so very wrong & demoralizing you are! How about all the times the Bible says “Do not Fear.” – In your opinion, is it, “Oh, God only meant that for Gideon, or for Joshua, or for the Israelites.” WRONG AGAIN! Thenjoy you’re saying God’s Word does not apply to All Humankind, (the gentiles – “Us”), for All Time. Which is the exact opposite of what the BIBLE states clearly. What you said is Spiritual Abuse! And Sooooooo many woman stay in deadly marriages, believing they have No Rights because of “teachings” like what you just said! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!. In Jesus’ Life & Ministry on Earth “HE” is the one who FIRST Liberated Woman. So much so, that the woman in Corinth got out of line in church, & had to be corrected, much like today’s “Feminists”. I cannot believe you! We are all sinners & fall short of the glory of God. God used a “Prostitute” to be Christ’s Gramma, & called her faithful!!! And to the rest of you… God DOES care about our “happiness”, the Bible says he holds every tear we’ve ever cried. Jesus said he came to give us Life, and Life “more abundantly”. AND one of the Fruits of The Spirit is JOY!!!! All of you Get a clue! The Answer to this question is simple… Sweet Hurting daughter of The Most High God, please, go Read your Bible, (get an accurate translation & a Concordance) – “Go boldly to the throne of God & through prayer, with thanksgiving – ask God” for His Wisdom (for YOUR INDIVIDUAL Situation) “Wisdom God gives freely to all who ask”. (Oh wait, I better check; it might say -only to “men” who ask-) NO it DOESN’T!!! Then – Do as the blogger said & seek out wisdom & guidance from people with TRUE – GODLY COUNCIL. Pray for confirmation of any path God has laid on your heart. But know this, if God has placed something strongly on your heart, You follow that First & foremost! God says He “will be with you wherever you go, even to the ends of the earth, He will not leave you, nor forsake you”!!! Think of how many people were doubted by their peers, (including Jesus) – that God had chosen for a special task. Look at Job & what his “friends” did to him. I wish all who are hurting in marriage (husbands & wives) the best, as you “seek the Lord with all your heart & all your soul & all your strength”. As for the person who spoke against “The Wife” – I pray God will “remove your heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh” In Jesus Name! I pray Abba God will give You “His heart of compassion, mercy, & Grace.” I pray for “the scales to fall off your eyes” in the name of Jesus & by his blood! That you “who were once so foolishly blind – will now see” – through the loving eyes of Christ, the eyes that looked down at the “woman” – who was “caught in the -very act- of adultry” & said “Neither do I condemn You. Now Go in Peace… and Sin NO MORE.”!!! In the All Powerful & Binding Name of Jesus! Let It Be So! Amen!. “Where sin abounds God’s Grace does Abound much more.” – However we do not take this Amazing Grace as a free ticket to sin, but in order to vanquish Shame, in our Repentance. God be with You!
Even though I was the believing spouse in our marriage it was me who tried to leave three times. All three times God took me deeper into His picture of Christ and the Church and how marriage is to mirror that relationship. God never gave up on me and withdrew His love by taking away His Holy Spirit; Jesus never abandoned me. Interestingly, God didn’t say, “I hate divorce.” But instead, “Love your husband like I love you. Look at Christ’s love as your example.”
Robyn Gibson recently posted…Sometimes Love is Just Hard
Um, actually he does say I hate divorce – Malachi 2v 16
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
But I think the point the author makes – God hates divorce because of what it does to families and because it breaks the type (the marriage of Christ and the church). But he doesn’t necessarily hate people who divorce. In fact, in David’s case – who obv committed adultery and murder – he loved David – and chose him to be the forbear of his own son. Not that any of us match up to David’s spirituality.
The point, I think, is that God would always want us to honour our covenant. But won’t cast us away if we can’t. And sometimes it really isn’t an option to reconcile.
Divorce in the bible has always been in order to permit remarriage.
I feel personally very conflicted. And so I’ve ended up in limbo. Which is not good for my spiritual character either!
I don’t hate my husband – he is a lovely person. But deeply deeply damaged in a way that goes beyond normal Western damage. Living with someone like this is an extremely damaging and traumatising experience. I physically and emotionally cannot do it. And when you have no-one you are vulnerable to becoming emotionally involved elsewhere. I would love my life to have been one of the admittedly VERY FEW marriages that reflect God’s glory. Sadly it was a debacle. I am too scared to go back into it and try again. And too scared not too. 🙁
Also, I agree with the point about personal happiness – that’s not God’s main focus. Although I think his laws are there for our happiness and perhaps if I had followed them more accurately in the beginning I would not have been on the trajectory on which I found myself.
But I also believe that marriages between believers should be MORE loving not LESS loving and almost across the board I think they appear to be LESS loving. Apart from the outstanding ones that are few and far between.
And with so much going on in the world it looks like Christ is about to return which is very exciting, but I’m afraid that in all the drama and upheaval of separating from my husband I have suffered quite a blow to my faith. I feel a bit numb really 🙁 I have tried to live for God all my life. Sometimes now I feel I am going through the motions. Just living and being a single mom is a hard enough task in itself. Although being a mom is blessed too. I am grateful for all. Just sometimes wish I had someone human behind me. Life is lonely sometimes. And confusing.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for reading my ramblings. Love to you. God bless xxx
To Myrtle, your response to my comment is misread, you said, “Um, actually he does say I hate divorce – Malachi 2v 16”
I was sharing the interesting fact that God didn’t quote rules to me but instead told me to respond Christ-like, the way Jesus did.
Does anyone remember we’re under the “NEW COVENANT” why are we in a spitting match over the law. YES God hates divorce it destroys the institution He designed. Read Mark (Jesus speaking) 10:11~12 this should muddy the waters. Seems to me we’re so busy trying to prove what & who can & can’t do whatever. Children are being raised in 1 parent homes (as a single mother I can tell you just how much fun it isn’t to raise a child by yourself, no I wasn’t married to her father I wasn’t following Jesus at that time either) We enter into a “FOREVER” relationship “PROMISE” before God & family it’s FOREVER. Just exactly how long is forever anyway? If we were more concerned with the welfare of the children & spouse we’re destroying instead of our own selfish needs divorce would stop LOVE, RESPECT, INTEGRITY, ACCOUNTABILITY is your word your bond?
Linda. You have directed your reply to my name, but you haven’t really said anything other than you seem to be expressing disagreement in the way God dealt with my own particular situation of Love over Law.
Linda, I completely agree that growing up with a single parent is devastating. I wish more people got this–and I’m glad that you’re so passionate about marriage!
But the fact also is that the Bible does leave room for divorce. And if a woman is being abused or has an unfaithful husband or an addicted husband whose behaviour endangers the family, then it is not the woman who is ending the marriage. It is the husband who has already done that. He is the one who has broken the covenant, not her. In fact, if you look at the context of the verse in Malachi where God says “I hate divorce”, he’s talking to men who are unfaithful, not to the woman who leave those unfaithful husbands. We have turned that verse around and used it to bash spouses who leave a marriage which is only an empty shell because their spouses have already left the covenant.
So when you say that we’re destroying a spouse, I just think that there usually is more going on there. God does not call us to enable sinful behaviour or to put ourselves in harm’s way. God Himself issued Israel a certificate of divorce, for instance. That doesn’t mean we divorce on a whim, but God’s example is a good one. We’re longsuffering, we draw boundaries, we try to woo with love, but if the other spouse still leaves, then it’s okay to walk away.
Shelia & Robyn: sorry ladies that wasn’t directed at either of you guess I need to be more specific in whom I’m responding to. Right now I don’t know what to believe my husband took $60.00 out of checking to open his own bank account. Basically he wants to come & go as he pleases spend money as he pleases with no accountability for what who or how he spends it and have all the privileges of marriage which reduces me to housekeeper & sex toy.
No need to apologize. Your hubs needs you to love him. And I say this with the understanding of what it’s like to want to NOT stay married you are so frustrated from being hurt. Good grief, I wanted out so bad I was willing to commit suicide over it: He is not doing anything wrong, he doesn’t have to answer to you. You are not his mum. He is wounded and needs help …. you are that help. Love him as God fixes and heals him into the godly man he was meant to be.
Linda, I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this! That’s awful.
All I can say is that enabling bad behavior doesn’t help. If he’s doing something wrong, he really needs to be confronted, as the Matthew 18 story tells us.
I go into this in a lot of detail in my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–about the difference between being a peace-keeper and a peace-maker. A peacekeeper just pushes things under the rug–a peacemaker addresses real issues. If your husband is trying to avoid the responsibilities of marriage that is a real issue, and you likely need some help confronting him in that. I’ve got a lot of advice on how to do that in 9 Thoughts–I hope it helps you.
Again, I’m so sorry. I know how painful that must be!
Sheila, could you be more specific about which verse(s) in Matthew 18 that you are referring to that advises a wife to do this?
Sure! Matthew 18:15-17. That’s how we deal with conflict–first on our own, then we bring in one or two others, and then we bring in the church leadership.
I teared up reading your comments. I’m in the same situation as you were when you posted – living in limbo deciding if I can work at my marriage anymore or if I just don’t have the strength. I know I made many mistakes in the last 10 years we’ve been together and see where I messed up and where he did, so there’s a chance to re-do it all…But the problem is that my heart gave up on him many years ago and moved on, even as I continued in the marriage… and I keep trying to resurrect my feelings for him but they are long gone! Would have given up earlier if he wasn’t trying so hard to save us. He didn’t give up on me – wasn’t as hurt, I guess.
Your words project humility and kindness so I sense how the pain has softened you. And.you’re right – there should be more love than not in a marriage, because God is love and we are meant to live fully in love. I’m still in this awful period of indecision… but I trust that wholeness is coming in one way or another.
I am divorced and this is not something I ever wanted and fought hard to prevent. But something I learned in my horrible journey is that it takes all 4 of the following to help a marriage survive when in crisis: 1) a willing man, 2) a willing woman 3) a qualified 3rd party aka counsellor and 4) GOD! In my situation I had 3/4 and it took me a very long time to accept that I didn’t have #1 and that it was out of my control to affect that one. I walked my journey with my pastor and also a qualified counsellor (both were my counseling support and I was lucky to have 2 amazing people like that to walk with me and my ex (when he would participate) over a number of years. By the end I got the blessings and even support to go because my ex actually continued his adulterous relationship and did not want to even try to make the marriage work -no matter what I did to be a loving wife. He walked away and I had to find a way to accept that nothing I could ever do would “fix” things or bring him back to me. I think Sheila is dead on when she says you need that qualified person to walk with you. Then when you have done more than 99.9% of other people in your shoes would have done to try and save a marriage you’ll be able to know it’s “OK” to leave and then start the road to recovery. While God has blessed me richly since my divorce over 13 years ago, there are still scars (especially from the impact this has had on my kids) so I’ve never encouraged my friends to leave marriages without giving it all they have. (i.e. work on it to the bitter end) I’ve loved seeing some couples work it out and come through when they were already separated and on the road to divorce. It is possible for some to survive and recover!
Sheila, I commend you on your response. Whenever I start reading Christian blog posts on this very issue, my blood instinctually boils from so many times of reading un Christian justifications and excuses for leaving. Many are well meaning, but I propose that those attitudes are one of the many major reasons Chrsitians have a high divorce rate.
I just wanted to add a couple thoughts to take a little further what you’ve said: Firstly, there is a distinction between divorcing, abandoning, giving up, etc. on your marriage VS temporary (or in extreme cases permanent) separation, setting apporapriate boundaries, and accepting your circumstances. Sometimes, separation is the last ditch effort to curb a spouse of a deadly and destructive behavior such as porn, adultery, physical abuse, etc., but I am making the distinction of ‘separation’ from ‘divorce’. The two are not synonomous. Ibelieve that divorce should ONLY be used when for legal reasons, like when it is the only means to protecting and providing for your children. To use it as a tool threaten or to remarry is scandalous to our faith and directly against the Gospel.
I have asked you for prayers and shared with you before a little of my story, but I want to use it as an example here. I am only 27, just had my 3rd anniversary, recieved final notice of divorce last week, and have been separated for 1.5 years. Many people look at my situation and say, ‘You’re so young. You deserve to be happy and find someone else” This is such a huge pet peeve for me. I don’t recal saying in my vows, “for better or until you leave me”. I said and meant till death. If I back up on my vows now, then why should I hold my husband to his vows? I also often reflect on spouses loving each other ‘like Christ loved the Church’. Does Christ’s love for me only last as long as I love Him? Does His love for my spouse ever end? As part of the church, Jesus died for us BEFORE we were saved, BEFORE we came to love Him, BEFORE we are perfected (and despite our imperfections). TO limit our mercy and love (the act of love, not the emotional feeling) for our spouse is to forget what Christ has asked us to do by His example. None of us were, are, or will be saved by our actions. We are saved by the unmerited love and mercy of God, through the excrutiating and undeserved death of His Son, Jesus, which happened because of our betrayal. Jesus willingly took on all the ways that we hurt Him, even when we abandon Him for years and years of our lives. He never gives up. I challenge and pray that spouses when in these difficult and heart breaking situations reflect on the love that Jesus has for them. Never give up on your marriage and your spouse, even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m there, I understand, but through this I am coming to understand more than ever just how incredible God’s love for me is. You never know if you will be the very personal example of God’s love for your spouse. Maybe it will take a lifetime, but if you save their soul, is it not worth your life? “Greater love has no man than this: to lay down his life for his friends” John 15:13
Again, I think that you answered very well and I appreciate how serious you deem the Christian view of marriage.
“Your happiness, and your misery, is not God’s primary concern. What He really cares about is your character. Now I don’t believe that God zaps us and punishes us until we learn something important (though He does discipline us), but just because you’re miserable does not mean that you have reason to leave a covenant.” Spot on and what I need to be reminded of. What amazes me is how many Christians encourage me to separate or divorce because I “deserve to be happy.” Really? How about I need to obey God and what HE is telling me to do in and with my marriage? I shared your post on twitter and facebook and in a private group on facebook as well for women in difficult marriages who are TRYING to stay married. There are so many of us out there.
“A vow really does matter”… Words of wisdom, Sheila. A divorce is a sad, tragic failure to bring the love of Christ to a broken world.
I was a terrible husband in a lot of ways. I spent a lot of time being angry and resentful as my wife withdrew more and more over the years. When our son was born I felt abandoned and unloved. I had an affair with a prett girl who showered me with attention I hadn’t had in years, it was wrong and I ended it, lied about it to my wife, then told her after she found out. She forgave me and tried to work it out. I started drinking myself to death from the guilt. She divorced me and stated her “biblical grounds” were my adultry, alcoholism and mental abuse stemming from those issues.
Like the women who wrote to you, this works boyh ways. This is not a female problem. Adultry is a symptom of a marriage that does not communicate love and respect, sometimes even interest. Abuse, mental and/or physical, is another symptom, and may not be intentional. Alcoholism is a disease, much like cancer or hepatitis in that no one asks for that problem.
Deciding to leave because your spouse makes a mistake or gets sick is not “biblical grounds”, nor is getting pushed or slapped, though both are unacceptable. Ending a marriage is breaking a covenant made with another person and with God. There is no way to sugarcoat it.
Thank you for your insight and honesty Chris. You’ve made valid points.
Robyn Gibson recently posted…Sometimes Love is Just Hard
I’m sorry but alcoholism is NOT a disease. To compare it to something like cancer is insulting to every single person who has ever suffered cancer or loved someone who has had cancer. Maybe your wife was wrong to divorce you, maybe she wasn’t wrong. Either way, you need to take responsibility for your alcoholism and stop insulting those who really are or have been sick by acting like alcoholism is a sickness. Alcoholism is a choice like every other addiction, and just like every other addiction it is a sin. Yes, everyone have sins that tempt them more than other sins, but to try to call it a sickness is an insult, not only to those who have real illnesses, but it’s an insult to God try and claim a sin is just a “sickness”.
You talk about not sugar coating things, so I have chosen not to sugar coat this. Your alcoholism is a sin, not a sickness. Repent of it and don’t insult those with real illnesses by acting like your sin is just a disease.
“God hates divorce because of what it does to families and communities, but He does not hate the person who divorces. And He, unlike the rest of us, is also able to see to the heart. He understands the turmoil, and He knows what went in to the marriage deteriorating.”
This is beautifully said and what I wish someone had said to me a long, long time ago. When I walked down the aisle to wed my ex-husband over 24 years ago I never ever dreamed that day I would be divorced. I also never dreamed he would treat me and our marriage like trash, by abusing both…and our two sons who came along later.
In Malachi, God says He hated the violence of men towards their wives and therefore, hated the divorce which occurred because of their hardened hearts. But sadly, so many Christians pull out a teeny part of that scripture to make people feel guilty for divorcing or that God will hate them if they choose that path.
Divorce is ugly and it destroys people in such a hurtful way, especially children. But when my ex walked out on me and our two sons almost six years ago, God was in control and took me from a very painful situation and He never once stopped loving me or my two boys. But it took me a long, long time to finally believe He still loved me because I chose to file for divorce after seeing no change in my ex.
Many will say to just work on yourself, change yourself and you can make a marriage survive. Possibly, depending on the situation in that marriage. But a marriage takes two people and as much as you change yourself, work on your issues, etc, it does not guarantee the other person will choose the same. When an abuser is involved, most times they do not have a true change of heart.
I have been remarrried two years today to a wonderful loving man. I now know what a healthy marriage looks like and am still amazed each day of how God worked in and through me over the past years, and that yes, He still loves me despite the choices I made.
Amy recently posted…A good, happy life…
Amy, so happy that you’ve come through the other side! And you’re right–we are called to do what we can, but ultimately we cannot change another person. If they are abusive, then that is their choice. You didn’t cause it.
Thank you, Sheila.
I never realized how destructive my first marriage truly was. My parents could see it, so many people around me could see it, but I was so busy just trying to make it work and survive through it, I couldn’t see it clearly myself and I was too afraid to leave for many reasons. Unfortunately, too many well-meaning Christians at that time were giving me what I now see as horrible advice regarding my situation. I was told to submit more, respect him in all things, and just concentrate on working on me and then he would change. And I was also told that even if he never changed, God would bless me for suffering through such hardships for it was my lot in life and one day I would receive a huge crown of glory for it. So very sad when I think back now to that type of advice. I’m so grateful there are many resources now available to women who are in abusive marriages.
God does not just want us to suffer for sufferings sake. To suffer for God, means to suffer for what is right. In other words, when we stand up to the wrong in our marriages (abuse, infidelity, abandonment) things will often get worse…we will suffer for saying no to what is being done to us. Abuse usually gets worse, because an abuser does not want to be called out on what he/she is doing. That is true suffering, not just standing by and taking it, which is not glorifying to God.
And while I do believe God wants His people to be happy, being happy in our lives is dependent on us, not someone else. We cannot expect our spouses to make us happy and then want to walk out of a marriage because they don’t. That is far different than living with an abusive person, rather than just living with a fallen, sinful person…which we all are.
When I say my current marriage is healthy, I do not mean that my husband meets all of my needs or is some perfect man. A healthy marriage is one where communication happens, there is trust and unconditional love…and that is what I have now, but never had in my first marriage. I completely trust my husband, can talk to him about anything and know that he will continue to love me regardless of my faults or moods. 😉
When do you leave a marriage? Such a tough question and depends a lot on the circumstances, and perhaps what you are willing to deal with.
If you have an issue in your marriage seeking outside help is crucial and being able to evaluate what the real issue is.
Have you just grown apart and don’t feel connected anymore, do you allow everything little thing your spouse does or doesn’t do irritate you to the point you cannot see the good in them, or do you feel unsafe and scared?
I pray for all here today who are dealing with marital problems, I pray for God to give them a clear direction of what they need to do.
Amy recently posted…A good, happy life…
Amy–So true:
I wrote about that very thing in a post about a thread in Christian marriage circles that somehow thinks that women can provoke men to abuse, and that suffering is somehow holy. You can see it here.
I am sorry that you were given bad advice, but I am not surprised. Part of what I feel called to do is to dispel some of the dangerous thinking we have in marriage and get back to a truly God-centered marriage, where there is true communication and where the goal is oneness once again. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for the link to the post you wrote on suffering. I almost cried when I read it as it brought back so many memories of false teaching I heard for far too many years in my first marriage. I was not a Christian when I was first married, but became a believer about 10 years later. I prayed fervently that God would give me direction and take me from that horrible place I was in, but as a new Christian I was confused why so many Christians were just telling me to stay and suffer. I would hear how loving our God is and then in the next breathe be told that this abusive marriage was my lot in life. It didn’t make sense that a loving God would not care about me and wanted me to stay and suffer.
Thank you for speaking out about marriages and what a true God-centered marriage should look like.
I don’t know where to start, when I went for counseling on my own. My Pastor asked if I didn’t see the warning signs before I got married.
All I said was, I was young, in love and very affectionate, so I didn’t see that all he needed was a home. Because he came from a home where his father previously was an alcoholic who did not work for the first few years of his marriage, he gave his wife 4 kids, which she had to raise. His mother in law organized work for him and eventually provided for his family, but still continued being a terrible person. Beating his wife and kids, now I am stuck with someone who won’t go out of his way to make time for me. When he comes in from work , and I am in the back of house he won’t come to look for me, he will just carry on as if I am not in the house. I know this because we are married for 13yrs . He will go to bed without saying goodnight or good morning. The only time he wants to make love is when the lights are off. Even when we have been angry with each other for days he won’t say that he is sorry. In the 13yrs of our marriage he was unemployed for at least 5yrs. We are now under debt review and about R150,000.00 in debt. I don’t know what to do, I have been in two affairs already, I am going out of my mind. The only thing my Pastor says, is “ have faith and be strong for your child.” If anyone asks my husband do you want this marriage to work his answer is ALWAYS YES! But what must I do until he learns how to handle me as his wife.
Dear Carmen,
You are in a tough spot! It’s really hard to live like a Christian when you live life as a victim instead of living as someone redeemed – and offering others the grace you have been extended by a loving God.. Debt, adultery, and selfishness make for prickly bedfellows – no wonder you are complaining!. Time to dig deep and be an obedient follower of Christ who gave us an example of extravagant love, undeserved grace, resistance to temptation, and sacrificial death for our eternal inheritance.
Hard teaching – beautifully delivered Mrs. Mac. Amen.
Robyn Gibson recently posted…Sometimes Love is Just Hard
Well said!
I am tempted to give up all of the time. And by the world’s standards, I have every reason to. Constant lies, cheating, rejection. For over a decade. However, every single time I think “That’s the last straw!” God gives me JUST A LITTLE more strength. He reminds me of how often I’ve run from Him, cheated on Him, rejected Him. I remember how others prayed for me and loved me in my darkest hours, how God never left me nor forsook me. What if they had given up on me? I love my husband, though I find it so very hard to like him. I have cried over his sleeping body, weeping prayers to God for healing, for love I did not feel, for strength, for healing for this brokenness in him. I have cried out to God so often. Nothing has hurt so much in my life. And in that, to such an infinitely small degree, I can empathize with how God must feel for His wayward children. Nothing has hurt me so much, and yet nothing has sent me to the foot of the cross as much as this so-called relationship! Why does God give me JUST A LITTLE more strength? Just enough to get me over this hurdle and into the next one? It keeps me coming back to Him, leaning into Him, constantly surrendering to Him. Praise the Lord for it! It is a far far better thing to live in communion with God amidst a broken earthly life than to claim independence from sorrow and attempt to take control from God in this area and in doing so rob ourselves of that connection with the Healer of hearts and souls. For many years I insisted I deserved more, a better life, full of ravishing love- until I FINALLY learned, and continue to learn through each aching beat of my fragile heart- that the Lord is THAT love, and doesn’t it overflow!!!
Currently my husband and I have been separated for over a year. And when I turn my focus away from the Lord for a second, anger, bitterness, resentment, worry, anxiety, and stress are right there waiting for me. It is a constant battle, but God is ever faithful.
And to those posting with great intentions but having never gone through such rejectiont, please tread lightly. I once was convinced exactly how I would react and respond in this very situation- you just cannot possibly understand the depths to which your world will be turned upside down and just how difficult it could possibly be nor just how tempting the enemy’s deceitful salve is until you have experienced it.
My prayers to those hurting, Lord God draw them into Your strong embrace and hold them close to You.
I would like to amend this to say that God does not remind me of my past sins, rather, I remember them. God has washed away those sins, but I do remember how prone to wander I am, and I believe it is good to not forget nor think myself above such things. It is in doing so that I can look upon this advent season with awe at the lengths to which God went to reconcile this sinner to Himself. Talk about a true love story!
Thank you, L, for your honest and beautiful candour. God holds our hands minute by minute to draw us closer to Himself. Praying for you just now as you lean into the supernatural grace that only the Holy Spirit can minister.
God also says “vengeance is mine I will repay” if you’re in harm’s way leave otherwise go on about your day as though the person wasn’t there. After 7yrs my husband has decided he doesn’t want to live with me (we’re in our 50’s, 2nd marriage for him, no kids @ home.) In the natural I have grounds for divorce (he withheld serious things about his past sexual encounter w his brother who won’t talk to him, prostitution, I didn’t hear any of this until after we got married) but I won’t leave but I won’t stop him from leaving. Unfortunately my husband’s a narcissist w a spirit of pornography so my role in the marriage was to be housekeeper & sex toy. We don’t fellowship with other Christian couples because “he doesn’t like people” although he tells me how everyone at work appreciates him & thinks he’s so wonderful. He craves appreciation to an unnatural point. I can go do things by myself while he’s at work depending on his mood if he thinks I’m becoming too independent. I’ve been told he makes enough money I don’t have to work & I’ve been called a leach, accused of cheating although I have every reason judging from her behavior that him & his brothers wife had a fling. Bottom line he wants to come & go as he pleases, spend money without explanation, thinks he lives in a hotel, expects me to wait on him hand & foot, he’s never wrong.
Oh by the way I was the single mother I wasn’t raised by a single mother my daughter was.
Hi I need some advice please because all I hear is I need to work on my marriage because God put us together. Me and my husband have been together 16 years now. We are both 35 yrs old and have 3 kids. We have been through alot! Many fights. He has lied too much and hid things from me so much. There is too much animosity between us that im not sure our marriage is savable. He did 4 years active duty where I know he did some horrible things while gone. He has a game addiction to where it causes us to be broke! Im talking thousands of dollars in a cpl of months! He won’t stop playing them. About 3 years ago at my job I got close to another guy who had heard of my situation and he helped me so much. My husband has a habit of packing up and leaving causing our kids to cry. That’s all he did when we had a dispute he would leave until I begged him back. Once he came back, I was not to bring up the dispute or he would leave again so things bottled up. Well this guy helped me. So the next time my husband left, I let him go. He got into my phone before he left and saw me talking to this other guy and he no longer wanted to leave and actually begged me to stop talking to him. I cried but I couldn’t stop so my husband left. Well after 9 months of feeling horrible and crying often I hit my kitchen floor one night crying for God in hopes He was real. I didn’t grow up knowing God but heard about God.
I decided to get back with my husband, what appears to me know, was out of guilt for what I did. I asked him if we should start going to church and get a bible so God could heal our marriage. A counselor I got help from showed up at our door with a bible!! Tears came rolling down my face because he wasn’t a Christian counselor. I thought,” wow God wanted me to have a bible” so I started to read it without my husband because he was just interested in our marriage being fixed. Not seeking God to get there. I couldn’t understand the bible so I started seeking online help thru study. My husband would join on watching some of these videos I found on YouTube but he gave up. He would get angry and wonder why our sex life wasn’t getting better and that God was not helping us. So why he gave up. I started getting interested in the bible stories and went beyond saving my marriage. I was now hooked in the bible and who God is. I no longer cared about my marriage, I wanted to learn the bible. So for 2 and a half years now, I have been studying the bible and seeking understanding. I love God with all my heart!!! He is very fascinating to me!! I bought tons of different bibles to search for truth. I have tons of study books as well on Hebrew and Greek. Im doing hard core study and just love it to pieces. My husband don’t care because he plays his games while not at work.
In August of this past year I was seeking the book of Daniel and on YouTube I always read comments of others. I saw someone with a large amount of biblical knowledge and he was very kind and helping so many ppl on there with truths. I got on his YouTube channel and started asking him questions as I did to many others and he answered hard questions that no one else would. We started emailing each other on bible study. He has helped me so much to know God!! We emailed each other every day since August and sometimes up to 24 emails a day. Recently, it has went from bible study to him telling me God can bring me and him together as with Jacob and Rachel. This was all due to me telling him I wanted a man of God like him to guide me and my kids since my husband wouldn’t go to God. He at first gave me very good advice to help my marriage but it didn’t work. Now he says im his Eve and that we need to wait for God to put us together. That I can’t break a vow but God can and we have to wait. He wants us together now but knows how I am and I feel guilt still from before. My husband still throws that in my face often! He is angry all the time. I don’t know what to do. I love this guy but im married. I question if God would send this guy to me or not? What direction is this coming from? Im confused and don’t love my husband. I pray and cry very often. Im lost and need help. I get confused easy and why I feel I need guidance. I got deceived over scripture so much till I met this guy online. He has straightened out so much of my confusion thru 2 years of seeking. I feel God has led me to him but am not sure. Someone please help me! God bless you guys and thank you!!!
Hi Tonya,
I’m sorry you’re so confused, and I’m sorry your marriage is so difficult right now.
I can’t give you a really detailed answer because I obviously don’t know the whole situation, and you should likely talk to someone in real life.
But I will say this: the real issue, right now, is what is going to happen to your marriage. This second relationship simply must be let go and abandoned until you have sorted out what will happen to your marriage. If you are going to leave your marriage, then leave well. Leave after praying, after trying, after seeking counseling, after offering and receiving forgiveness (even if you don’t reconcile), after loving your husband wholeheartedly. If you do all of that, and the marriage becomes a financially, physically, or emotionally dangerous place, then maybe a separation is in order. I have no idea, and that’s why you need a counselor or third party to walk through this with you.
But please hear me on this: If you are involved with another guy, even in your mind, you won’t be able to leave well, and you certainly won’t be able to rebuild your marriage, which God may very well be asking you to do (again, I don’t know). But I do know that you can’t be honest with your husband and you can’t be honest before God if another man is involved.
You simply must stop that relationship. If it is of God, then one day God will bring you together. But your marriage is REAL, and it is RIGHT NOW, and it should be your main priority. You must sort this out, you must love your husband and forgive your husband, and you must see if you can work through your problems. You will not be able to do that honestly if you are thinking about someone else.
I hope you can put him behind you and do the right thing! You may have felt like he has helped you, but God does not lead us to people who will get in the way of our marriage BEFORE our marriage is fully dealt with. So this relationship is not of God RIGHT NOW. And you must leave it. I’m sorry if that’s hard, but that’s the truth.
Ok thank you. I go back n forth with it and I tell him my feelings on it. He says we can back off and go back to bible study but I don’t think it’ll work anymore. What if my marriage is already done for? I will break this off tho because it does make me feel dishonest. I don’t like it. I have no idea how to fix my marriage tho. It’s impossible right now. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as him. I will keep praying. Thank you for your advice! You are right. I appreciate it very much 🙂
Good, that’s great, Tonya! And I hope that God gives you clear direction.
Here is what I have been battling. This goes much deeper and there are more details involved. With hard study on this I have learned things im not so sure on just yet. Everyone wants to be happy, my husband wants that as well. Look what this is doing to our kids to stay together unhappy. I went thru that growing up where my parents stayed for kids but both of them met someone else online while together and both of them are happy and married. They are both very happy too! Ok so back to the bible…..we have free will whether we know God or not correct? So why do ppl think that because ppl are in a marriage, that it’s of God? A marriage is on paper thru the courts not by God. I did not know God and neither did my husband. Now I know and believe God but my husband don’t. Is what we have, fornication in God’s eyes? God does the joining of 2 ppl, not man correct? Jesus said except fornication, didn’t he? Not adultery. Fornication is sex outside a marriage. If we are married by man and not of God, then we indeed are sinning by staying together if we continue to have sex. The bible is clear when God says for believers not to marry unbelievers. King Solomon married women of unbelievers and they turned him away from God. God says that we will surely turn away. So we need to obey Him for our sakes. There is a reason the things written are there. So if I have tried all that I can to get my husband to seek God and he won’t, then what? We can’t forget we all have free will. God can not help those who refuse His help. God will not magically fix a marriage unless both parties are willing to listen. We have tried 2 counselors and honestly counselors can’t do what God can do. God can change my husband more than a counselor, but if my husband won’t listen to God, why would he listen to a counselor? We tried love dare, we tried separation, nothing has worked. He has many addictions and likes to throw in my face that God won’t suck his …… So what’s that? All he cares about is sex. Nothing else. He used God to get him some but when it didn’t work, he dropped God like that. God is real, he don’t believe it. I want my kids to have a better life than I did and not make the same mistakes I did as I saw in my parents granted they are both happy now but not while we were growing up.
I believe that God has already joined one man with one women, but we are sinners. We don’t obey like we should. Once we come to know God, we can find our mate thru seeking God. Ppl make mistakes then come to God and repent due to their lack of faith and knowledge of God in their past, God forgives them their sins due to His son Jesus Christ. What makes marriage by man any different?? Thanks God bless.
Im not sure but my last comment didn’t post. But if we have free will that goes for our marriages as well. God has a plan already in place and we can’t see His plan because we are not the creator. A marriage is by God not man therefore if we do not wait for God, we indeed are sinning by committing fornication which Jesus said himself that was grounds on divorce. Not adultery but fornication. Fornication is sexual relationships outside marriage. Marriage is defined by God not man. If we can sin, we can certainly marry someone not of God’s choosing. God wants us to have true love because that is what God is. How can we have that in an unhappy marriage? God will not fix a marriage unless both parties are willing to obey Him. My husband don’t believe God is real. God will not force that belief on my husband due to his free will. He is selfish and has said to me God will not suck his di*k. Because God has not changed me to sleep with him, he gave up on seeking. His one reason to seek God did not go his way so therefore there is no God to my husband. He also has sex addiction. He has an addiction personality. We were young when we met but neither of us knew God therefore how was it of God? Our marriage is by man made laws on paper. We disobeyed God by not waiting for Him to give us to whom He chose for us. Therefore we suffer. If we do not seek God and pray, God will not send us who He wants us to be with. There are many stories in the bible ppl can not understand let alone fathom but look at Tamar in genesis 38 for instance, she played a prostitute to sleep with Judah due to Judah not giving her his son. Would you justify this story? God was behind it. It was thru that line that Abrahams promise was fulfilled, and Jesus came. If not for the twins she had thru sleeping with Judah. You see many stories like this ppl don’t like to hear but God’s ways are like the wind. We don’t fully understand it and some things seem so shady to us but it’s how God works. We have followed ways of the world for so long that God’s ways seem strange. God bless y’all.
WOW!!! If Bible Man were a man of God he wouldn’t be trying to hook up with you. Unless your divorce is filed God sees you & your husband as still married. Please stop running to guys at work & online to solve your marriage problems they shouldn’t be counseling you unless they’re pastors & even then go to your church pastor or Christian marriage counseling. Any sincere Christian will point you towards God 1st He’s the one who will help you, heal your marriage and deliver your husband from his game addiction
If you’re in danger leave ASAP otherwise and this is not easy I know because I’m going through something very similar. Out of the blue my husband announced he wants out of the marriage. He took $120.00 out of our checking account, he now has his own phone bill & new phone (password protected) & told me he’s leaving after this winter. My 1st line of defense is always pastoral counseling. I make sure that my walk with God is 1st I attended women’s bible studies & Sunday service. I’m also in the process of joining the church. Surround yourself with Godly Christian women who will lift you up in prayer. As the pastor said he’s lots but God still loves him so look at him through God’s eyes & pray for him (we’ve all fallen short) If you’re familiar with the movie FireProof buy the Love Dare Journal believe me it’s not easy to love on someone who’s isolated you, marginalized your feelings and emotionally abandon you. Move out of the way & let God deal with him
It’s almost 2 in the morning, I’m alone crying like usual. My husband didn’t care that I was hurting last night or this morning. I told him I’d give him his space and leave him alone since I was at work….he simply said ok and I heard nothing from him. I get home to start cleaning the house and taking care of our kids as he just lays in bed sleeping till almost 9pm at night.
He gets up and barely talks to me and doesn’t touch me….. I’m dying inside to be touched and loved on. I’m dying inside to know he even gives a damn. I fight for our marriage, even if I have to swallow my pride and be rejected by him……I can’t do this anymore. We watched a movie and he acted like I didn’t even exist…he couldn’t even try to touch me or talk.
Bed I laid there trying to hold back the tears as he barely snuggles up to me….he knows I’m crying and he acts like he’s asleep…..
I can’t do this anymore….I cry everyday. Would he even give a damn if I took the kids and left????? I already know the answer…..he’s been showing it to me….he doesn’t give a damn about me or our 3 small children.
I’m scared to leave, it would hurt worse finding him with someone else…..I hate the pathetic person iv become.
Why do I waste tears and tears over a man who doesn’t care… It’s so clear he only cares about himself.
I cry everyday….. I feel lost and empty…I feel rejected. If I cry, talk to him, or leave him alone…he still doesn’t care. Anytime there’s an issue he shuts down and literally we can’t talk, even if it’s calm. I kick myself for even telling him any of my feelings or when im hurting, even if it’s not about him..,,.
Iv had enough….iv told him I can’t do this if we can’t even communicate or talk…he doesn’t care, he just says he’s tried.
I have no one to call and talk to or any friends or a support system.
If I got in a wreck tomorrow and died, he wouldn’t give a damn, I truly believe that.
I love him so much it hurts, I want our family….I don’t know how to talk to him, how to act around him, and I don’t know what to do anymore…..
I’m dying inside, I feel so empty and unwanted….I feel like I’ll never be anything to him….I’m nothing to him. If he cared he would try, maybe he could reach his hand out, maybe he could just tell me he loves me…..I can’t do this anymore….I can’t. I’m tired of fighting for a man and a marriage that is worthless…this isn’t a marriage…..
I cry every night, I hang in there for a man that pretends he’s asleep as I’m trying to hold back the sobs.,.i got up and came in family room, I knew he wouldn’t come to me, he likes ruining my weekend, he likes seeing me hurt and crying over him and us…..he doesn’t give a damn!!!!!!!!
Please help!!!!
I know how you feel I’m in a similar situation. You have to leave him in God’s hands & let God deal with him. “If your brother sins against you go to him, if he repents forgive him (there’s more to that scripture.) Genuine pastoral counseling can be helpful. Stay close to God daily read God’s Word, prayer (talk to God) & devotional time are important. Honor your marriage vows no matter what he’s doing, God knows your heart & sees everything, knows everything & He’ll walk through this with you. May the peace of God guard your heart & mind
I have been in a miserable situation for 20 years. I married because I was broken and felt worthless, and was convinced no one else would love me. I thought I had to marry him in order to survive. I was exhausted from trying to provide for myself since I was 15, homeless and on my own. Love had little to do with it and like had even less to do with it. I was not born again and the thought was this is not forever, just the best option for now. Now I am born again. My husband is neglectful, harsh and emotionally abusive. He is most definitely an alcoholic. He works until 12 or 1am and drinks in the garage at least until 3 am 6 days a week and has slept on the couch for the last 6 years. I have spent 20 years sexually serving a man I am not attracted to, or in love with. He is simply a hard man, uninterested in changing for the better. He seems incapable of emotional intimacy, and has no interests in my emotional needs. He throws emotional temper tantrums regularly, and it’s usually about how he is demanding more and better sex from me and how once a week is not good enough. He says I owe him, because he has to work so hard to provide for me. He is very controlling. My Christian counselor tells me it is about obedience to the Lord at all costs. I sure wish, hope and pray for a way out. I worry that if I leave, I will be outside of the will of God and His provision and protection. I also have been financially dependent with no way of providing for myself. I have a GED. We have 2 kids. It feels like a prison sentence. I want more than anything to obey and please the Lord. I also want freedom from this marriage, desperately. I want so much to be loved and cherished. My husband says he believes but is not obedient or born again in any way. I have been praying for a miracle for YEARS. Will you pray for me?
Amanda,
It is time for you to leave. And to find a new counselor. Yes, you are to be obedient to the Lord but just continuing to stay in an abusive marriage has nothing to do with being obedient to the Lord.
Do you have any support from family or friends? It is time for you to speak out and find someone, even a women’s shelter to help you and your children.
You can become financially independent but you may have to take some classes at your local college.
I would recommend you check out a few blogs, including my own. I stayed for 20 years with an abusive man because I wrongly believed that if I left I would be out of God’s will, now I know better. Read my latest blog post: https://lifeinspiredthoughts.wordpress.com/2016/03/30/2729/
http://leslievernick.com/blog/
http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/
http://hurtbylove.com/
http://visionarywomanhood.com/
Please, please pray for guidance and seek out help. It’s time to stop living in bondage and standing up for what is right.
Praying for you dear sister.
Amy
Response to Amy’s response AMEN sister, I’m currently in a similar situation & getting the same response from the church sometimes you have to leave & let God deal with your husband. Women are more likely to seek out counseling & the church is failing abused women by counseling them to remain in the situation. If the house is on fire get out!
Thanks, Linda.
I’ve grown bolder in speaking out about abuse. I spent too many years being told to just suck it up, submit more, respect and love no matter what and deal with the lot that the Lord dealt to me.
Stupid advice, really stupid! And now that I’ve been free from the abuse for over 7 years now and have been remarried for 4 1/2, I can say with confidence that it is never okay to just stay and take abuse. That is not how God meant marriage to be. And my current marriage shows me over and over again that what I lived with for 20 years was very unhealthy and toxic.
🙂
Amy recently posted…Let go of the fear and hang on to the Rock
It’s sad when “Christian counselors” confuse trusting God w tolerating abuse. At 57 I’m looking for work in Buffalo I may as well be looking for money on a tree. I believe in the sanctity of marriage I know God can do anything I don’t believe in abuse & being dehumanized & degraded
Nobody will tell you to stay in physically abusive relationship but because emotional abuse leaves no visible scars it’s not acknowledged as abusive behavior.
My wife had a panic attack in Jan of this year and said the marriage was over. We have had communication problems for years and have tried counseling. She had an emotional affair and did not really put the effort into saving the marriage. After her panic attack she started an affair with a married man (soon to be divorced) in the church choir…he is also a pastor without a church. She carries on with him in an adulterous manner while her 3 children and I are trying to hold it together. None of us will attend the church they are at…the amount of strain is enormous. She is blinded by new love and wants to get a divorce asap while showing no remorse or consideration for anyone but herself…I struggle with my faith and holding on as the hope of reconciliation is extremely slight…as I do not believe in divorce and will continue to provide a solid foundation for the kids as this madness continues…should we all be like Abraham and have faith until the last moment (his son Isacc)???
My marriage is in trouble. I understand I’m not perfect and I’m willing to change but he doesnt think counseling is going to work. I feel as if i have suffered through a lot through the years. He blamed me for his emotional affair. If hes not getting his way he curses at me or threatens to commit suicide. After giving birth i had to heal from stitches but he was angry eith me for refusing to have intercourse. When i could have sex again i had developed vaginismus. In his anger after many failed attempts at penetratation he held me down and forced me to have sex. I struggled, cried, screamed in pain but he didnt care. Hes adicted to pot, alchol, and cigarrats. All i want is to be close to him but he didnt even want to stay with me in the er while i nearly bled to death a few days ago from a miscarriage. He had things to do in the morning, the blood was making him sick and he wanted to know how long everything was going to take. He left when I nearly went into shock and died. I felt like a waist of time.
I frequently yell at my kids for spending 5+ hours on TV and Video Games rach night while they have personal hygiene/Laundry /housework/2 dogs and school work they need to take of while my wife passively lets them do whatever. So she gets an earful too because she will also come home from work and watch 8 hrs of tv like her dad did. When we do talk to each other, all she wants to do is talk about how SHE’s getting the kids prepared for their lives. If and when we talk our kids will disrespectfully interupt us and she will immediately answer them. Mind you, our kids are 16 & 18 !!! I’ve tried to get the family to church but just like trying to get them off TV and to do thier homework it’s much more peaceful NOT to. So, in my 18 years of marriage I’m really seeing how I was alone the whole time. I dont talk to anyone and it’s better that way.
Really wonderfully explained. I got it very helpful. thanks
I hurt so much. I feel as if my husband only likes me for sex (not often), but is unatracted to me, dosn’t like me, doesn’t respect me. He often gets into a mode where he , i call, is “on his period.” He shuts me out and treats me as if i have done something wrong. For the longest time i would keep asking what was wrong and try to catter to him some more. I recent years I just let him have these moments till he is over it, but i still feel unloved. I am not my husbands’ priority. I hids money and lies to me. I dont think he is cheating but a large peace of me feels like he really wants to. He never makes me feel good about myself and he acts as if nothing I do is good enough. I want to leave but I dont want to hurt my children and i simply can not afford to on my own. I am just so tired of trying!
** sorry for the spelling errors. computer wont let me fix them.
So so good. I am printing this one out for my counseling office! Thanks
I’m so glad you found it helpful! 🙂
God is only concerned with our character and not our being miserable or happy? Nonsense. My God wants me to be at peace which is the true happiness and which comes from the inner conviction that I am doing the right thing regardless of circumstances. Peace and the sense of being content are the signs of the Holy Spirit working within our lives and us accepting God’s will–misery is not. I tried for years to save my marriage and my relationship with my husband, I tried to preserve some modicum of trust in him, even in the face of all betrayals and neglect, and I felt peace–even as I was feeling unhappy, I knew I was doing the right thing. But here’s the thing. I am done. I am done casting pearls in front of swine. There’s a million worldly reasons I should have left years ago but I’ve always wanted to be a good Christian. Now being a good Christian means divorcing the man who betrayed his promise in every single way possible–I feel peace thinking of a life without him because anger and sadness are definitely not part of God’s plan for my or anyone’s life.
Hi, Des Rata. I totally understand what you’re saying. But peace and contentment can be had whether or not you are “happy.” Look at Jeremiah, or Paul while he was in prison. Some of the people who worked the hardest for God were suffering extreme inner turmoil, but God was pleased with their work. Sometimes he does allow us to walk through hardships, through suffering, through sadness and heartbreak, because ultimately it brings us closer to Him. And the Spirit is what allows us to feel peace and contentment despite it all.
However, I think that it’s very easy to think “if I’m not happy, that means the Spirit is saying this isn’t the right choice.” I’m not sure that’s Biblical at all, actually. Every prophet BEGGED God to release them from having to say something horrible to the Israelites, and God stood firm. He didn’t take away their suffering. In fact, He made them walk towards it.
I’m not saying that it’s not right to leave in your situation at all! Only you can know that. I’m just saying that God wants us to be happy, yes, but that is his second priority in light of making us and others more like Him.
Hello all,
I was told January that I’m no longer loved and she no longer want Ben wants me to touch her. All I ever heard is that she does not feel close to me. What does that mean? We cuddle on the couch every night I hold her hand every where, I always tell her how beautiful she is and I make good money and my family wants for nothing. She then says that she does not feel like my best friend. While it is true that I feared talking to her because of past verbal abuse on her part I still told her about what was going on in my life. The only thing I never talked to anyone about is my trama that came with military service. 5 years ago I devoted her because of the verbal abuse. We later remarried. I divorced her because I found someone that was not abusive. That does not excuse my choise but this is destroying me as her verbal abuse did 5 years ago. Seems like I can do nothing right. She refuses to go to therapy I think because the time we have gone she has been told she has to make XYZ changes and she only want to demonize me and make me the bad guy. I have had issues with PTSD mostly related to anxiety and depression. But I never hit her or the kids, I don’t drink, I don’t stay out all night hanging out with friends. It’s been two years since I actied out in anger (yelling and kicking the crap out of my punching bag). The worst thing I do is I sigh. If the kids are driving me crazy I sigh and walk away. If things bother me I sigh. To her that is as bad as the worst imaginable sin. I’m doing all I’m supposed to do in the love language book but I don’t know how much more I can take. I nobim a guy but despite this I’m not a bad guy. I fear getting attached here because of that fact. But what I know is that of she ever offered behaviors to change I would. Better intimicy is too vague for anyone to do anything about. Why am I being punished because I’m not a mind reader. Can anyone help me to get her to see I can and will make changes if I’m told what to fix.
My heart is breaking. This is my second marriage and the last week was hell. My husband disappears every couple of weeks for a few days and nights, getting drunk and doing God knows what. He hit me very badly this weekend. His bike club, friends and alcohol seems to always be his first priority. What must I do?? Tired of being alone and feeling unloved and not worthy. And to top it off I need to be strong for my 3 & 7 year old girls. Why is everything else placed in front of us. Why are we not counting and a priority?
I have been a born-again christian for over 40 years, married for 34 years, have two wonderful adult children, and I am a deacon in my church. I know exactly what scripture says about divorce and how we are supposed to soldier on to reflect the relationship of Christ to His church. Our happiness is not supposed to be the primary end. My spouse and I have also had many counseling session to address our marriage along with individual counseling yet the marriage is devoid of any emotional or physical connection. Something died. It is like we are roommates sleeping in separate beds or robots that are going through the motions and putting on a good face. Does obedience and going through the motions really build character when at heart the marriage is really dead? Does this REALLY give glory to God? Is this what He intended. We HAVE prayed and we HAVE worked harder at it but we have still grown apart. There is no one simple formula that addresses the complexities of a marriage relationship. People are unique. I wish I could be more upbeat and hopeful. I don’t doubt God’s love for us. We’re just not making progress.
My situation has been going on for about 10 years now. My husband goes out almost every week, sometimes even 2xs in a week. He gets drunk with his friends & gets home very late. When I try calling him to see where he is at he doesn’t pick up his phone. Hes also sneaky many times. Says one thing then does the other too. He hangs out with single men his age or younger. (He’s 37 years old!) if he does call back or answer he gets very upset that I question why he finds the need to go out every week. He ends up cussing me out & mocking me. It hurst badly. I try to mention God & respect but he quickly shuts that down. Yet he is the “devoted” Catholic who goes to church every sunday. We already never see him because he works 10am-11pm every day since he owns his own business. We have 3 kids together and I am in nursing school. I also work part-time.
I always was aware he was the more selfish type but I thought praying for him would slowly change him for the better. He never apologizes for cursing at me & always makes it seem like I am the crazy one.
I dont know if I can continue in this unhappy marriage. I have prayed about it & feel I must move on now. I tried very hard to be the understanding wife but when he continues behaving like a young single man & insults me on top of it, I’ve had enough.