Feel like you need to spice up your marriage?
For many of us sex has become kind of boring. We always do the same thing. He may enjoy it, but quite often we don’t. And so we wonder: is this all there is? Can we find passion again? So today on Wifey Wednesday let’s talk about how to reignite the fire and spice up your marriage!
1. Spicing Up Your Marriage Usually Means Better Foreplay
Recently I was talking about foreplay–how important it is for a woman to get warmed up! Unless we’re aroused before we start intercourse, intercourse usually isn’t that great. Sure, quickies can be fun, but on the whole, we need some time and some attention.
But that time and attention can be, well, boring. Foreplay can sometimes feel too routine. He’s supposed to kiss us and touch us so that we’re turned on. But that doesn’t always do it for us. If we’ve got shopping lists running through our heads, or we’re finding it hard to relax, and then he starts touching us, it’s hard to get aroused.
So we need something to get us out of our heads so that we’re willing and able to concentrate on what’s going on! And that’s often where spicing things up, and doing things a little differently, can help.
2. Spicing Things Up Means Learning More About Your Body
Sometimes we get in a rut–we always make love the same way, in the same position, and it doesn’t necessarily feel that great. Spicing things up gives us a plan to help us try more things, and perhaps discover new things that feel good. It helps us feel more adventurous in bed. And it gives us something new to look forward to!
3. Spicing Up Your Marriage Isn’t A Mandatory Thing
If you’re happy the way things are, that’s great! If things are always working well, and you’re both always having fun, then you don’t need to mess with a good thing. But sometimes it’s great to add a little different kind of fun to help you learn more about yourself. One of the things that makes sex really stupendous is when we truly open ourselves up to our spouse. When we become vulnerable, and we let him in (in all kinds of ways!), we feel even more intimate, and that makes the physical side better.
If we’re always doing the same thing, though, then some of that vulnerability may be lost, simply because you get comfortable. You can wall off part of yourself sexually. Now, like I said, if you are having fun, and he is having fun, then please, don’t feel like you need to do anything else! But often I do think couples can benefit from changing things up a little bit every now and then because you do learn more about yourself, and that does make you more intimate.
4. Spicing Things Up Can Be Scary
The problem is, though, that spicing things up in the bedroom can be scary because how exactly do you do it? Let’s face it–most of the stuff that’s out there to help you “spice things up” doesn’t really help at all. Sex toys have major down sides. They can make us reliant on the toy to feel good, can create parallel sexual experiences rather than enhance intimacy, and can focus too much on the body and not enough on intimacy.
And if you look online for ways to spice things up, you may find ideas which are totally a turn-off–and which can be dangerous for your relationship. Our culture is going crazy with things that warp sex rather than making it a beautiful thing. I’ve known of couples, for instance, who have decided to try reading erotica together, because at least that’s not looking at porn. But erotica almost always involves couples who aren’t married–or even sexual scenarios that are forced or in other ways wrong. Searching for that online can definitely take you down a bad path.
Many couples, then, would like to try different things, but they really don’t know where to start. You’re scared to look online (as you should be!), and yet coming up with new ideas seems overwhelming. So you’re it seems like you’re in this rut forever.
Clean and Fun Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage
So today, then, I’d like to give you some great resources for spicing things up–resources that you can even use for Christmas!
Sexy Dares
Here it is–24 amazing dares to help your marriage soar–8 that she takes the lead on; 8 that he takes the lead on; and 8 you do together. And they’re all clean. Nothing that will gross you out, involve a third party, or suggest porn.
Each dare has a scenario that you’re going to act out–or complete–tonight.
They’re easy, they don’t cost very much (most don’t cost anything), and they’re fun! They’ll encourage you to be more active, to spend more time on foreplay, and to discover new things about yourself. And some of the dares even have to do with working on your spiritual intimacy and truly feeling like one, too.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Want some ideas for spicing things up to get you started? I’ve got a post on “5 Ways to Spice Things Up” with ideas for games you can play, and some suggestions for how to share some of the things you’d like to try or do more of, even if you’re embarrassed to talk about it.
31 Days to Great Sex
If you liked my suggestions, I’ve got more in 31 Days to Great Sex! And there are also several days which encourage you to talk about what your boundaries are during sex, and work out what to do if one spouse is more adventurous than the other (and where you should draw the line).
Do you want MORE for your sex life?
The 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge was written to help you spice it up in the bedroom!
Try new things, explore each other, and turn on those fireworks!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
I have come to learn being open and honest about what feels good and what I like is the best thing. My husband wants to please me and enjoys that. But sometimes I have to let him know what feels good that day.
“But sometimes I have to let him know what feels good that day.” This is an issue I keep reading about but is never really see addressed in any depth. It would be really great if Sheila did a post and some of you ladies expanded on it adding to the insight we guys could reap form your comments. I feel certain it is doesn’t come from the same place as just not being in the mood. As far as I know, we men don’t experience the same thing in the same way. We may progress into a state where are response to certain stimuli changes, but that change is not intermittent or transient. It usually comes with age or a medication side effect. You seem to be saying certain stimulus response will vary from one time to the next, and may be more physiologically driven than emotionally. Correct?
Oh, those cards do sound interesting and fun! Thanks for always giving us new and fun ideas, Sheila, to keep our home fires burning bright! Thanks also for hosting Wifey Wednesday!
Yes we need something to spice up the marriage
Love your suggestions, Sheila. I totally and wholeheartedly support the idea of actively and intentionally loving your husband working toward better sexual intimacy. I’m definitely going to consider the Deck of Cards idea for an anniversary present for my husband since it’s right after Christmas. Thanks for sharing.
We love the Deck of Dares! I’ve gotten it for several new brides, as well. I also think those massage candles you sometimes advertise are great, and can be fun for spicing things up. 🙂
Great post!
Great advice!
There are literally dozens of ways to spice up your marriage and bring the spark back…My favorite one these days is using texting. After all, most of us are glued to our phones all day (especially him) and it’s the quickest way to get infront of his eyes and in his thoughts – With a funny, or flirty text or picture – And the effect on the next time you see each other is amazing.
Loved the post!
I’ve always been the initial one in my 3 yr marriage to spice things up.sexy lingerie, role playing,etc.ive also told my husband that I like him to take charge,come up with something new to no avail.i feel like there’s nothing more I can do to spice it up