Assumptions about Sex and Marriage - What Did You Assume About Sex in Marriage?

Today, please welcome guest poster, Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage, who is sharing about the dangers of making assumptions about sex.

It’s easy to do.  Make assumptions, that is.

Marriage is a beacon for that sort of thing, drawing in all the wayward assumptions that are looking for a home.

Of course, we like to think that other marriages are plagued by all the naive assumptions (“certainly he won’t mind spending every Christmas with my family”), while our marriage will be home to all the mature assumptions (“we may encounter a few disagreements, but nothing that our love can’t handle”).

Truth be told, there aren’t too many assumptions that don’t eventually become pesky thorns in our relationship.

Before long, if left unaddressed, the assumptions land you right in the middle of a bunch of resentment, disappointment and confusion.

What about assumptions and sex?  What did you assume about sex when you got married?

Some people assume the passion and desire they felt when dating or first married will sustain (or even increase) as their marriage progresses. 

Sex in marriage will always be deliciously wild and uninhibited.  And easy.

Other people who are anxious or indifferent about sex often assume that simply saying “I do” will miraculously awaken their desire and set them on a course for profound sexual connection.  The angels will sing.  The pleasure will be tender.  The sex will look like it does in all the romantic movies.

And still others assume that sex is nothing more than one tiny compartmentalized aspect of marriage.

Kind of like that zippered pocket in your purse that you rarely get into and only if it’s absolutely necessary.  The rest of the time, you pretty much ignore it. Under this assumption, if sex is not creating a child, then it is annoying fine print in the marriage contract – something you tolerate rather than pursue.  Sex feels more like a mundane transaction than an encounter drenched in fervent love.

You may see yourself in one or more of those assumptions (or a whole host of other ones about sex that I haven’t explored).

You’re not alone.  If most married people are honest, they will admit they have been in bed – literally and figuratively – with all of those assumptions at one time or another.

Could these assumptions be sabotaging the potential for better intimacy in your marriage?  I’m not just talking about sex (although that’s a big part of it). I’m talking about authentic intimacy all the way around.

Physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy are meant to mingle so closely in marriage that we can’t see where one begins and one ends.

There are to be no hard lines.  Our hearts long for transparent intersections that remind us that marriage is unlike any other relationship. In a good way.

It took me awhile to realize that a passing glance at marital intimacy wouldn’t get me there.  (If I’m being brutally honest – which, of course, I am – it also took a failed first marriage and the gift of a second marriage to get me there).

I started writing and speaking about sexual intimacy in marriage, not because I thought sex was more important than any other form of intimacy.  Nope.  I speak so openly about sex because I know it impacts the marriage far beyond what’s happening beneath the sheets.

It takes intentional effort to push assumptions aside and actually seek intimacy.

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If you want to better understand the rich significance of sex and the positive impact it can have on your marriage, visit my blog or take a look at the eBook I recently co-authored.

Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage (Amazon Canada)
Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage (Amazon US)


What did you assume about sex in marriage?  Are those assumptions helping or hurting your marriage?  Please share in the comment section so we can encourage one another toward more authentic marital intimacy.

I long to be teachable where it matters most. Second only to my relationship with God, nothing matters more than my relationship with my husband. It’s not just about the great sex… It’s really about so much more.

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Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog.

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