If you’re a guy, and you’ve always thought, “my wife is a control freak!”, read on. And if you’re a woman, maybe share this with your guy!
I’m writing this not to excuse women, but to help men understand why women are control freaks. I write lots of posts for women on how to improve their marriage. Here’s just a little insight into the female brain for the men:
As I’m writing this, my family is preparing to depart for two weeks on vacation. I am desperately tending to my email, ridding the fridge of any stray produce, washing all the laundry, heading to the bank, and somewhere in there I’m packing. And I’m managing to pull it all off while still barking orders at my kids. I am the very model of a modern wifely drill sergeant.
Few can issue orders as effectively as women when we are in control freak mode.
We want the house cleaned because company is coming, and even though we’ve ignored the mess for two weeks it is now absolutely imperative that everybody drop what they’re doing and polish something. We want to get to work early, so everyone must hurry up and grab breakfast and by the way has anyone seen my purse? We have our agenda, and everybody had better get into line.
What men may not realize, though, is that when women get into control freak mode, it’s not because we particularly want to control people.
Let me get psychological for just a moment.
A woman’s biggest fear is that she’s going to lose those things that she loves most.
She wants to feel like her family is close-knit, her kids are safe, and everyone is secure. When something threatens that—because the kids are pulling away, or everyone’s too busy, or you’re distant—we feel out of control, and start issuing orders to compensate. Or, even worse, if we feel that we’re not doing a stellar job at caring for the family, then we really lose it, because we’re afraid that if the family falls apart, it will be our fault. We may imply again and again that it’s yours, but it’s only to deflect the blame we feel. We’re afraid we’re not good enough.
We’re not control freaks; we’re just scaredy cats! Perhaps that doesn’t sound like a big improvement, but it is, because once you understand that, you can help us bridge that sanity gap and end up in relational bliss once more. For you men in a relationship, here’s the key to helping your beloved relax and calm down: realize that when she gets stressed, it’s not because her primary goal in life is to stifle you.
It’s because she’s scared things are falling apart. And the more scared she feels, the more she tries to clamp down.
That creates this strange situation in many homes where the wife starts running everything—the kids’ schedules, the doctors’ appointments, the educational plans, the finances, the housework—while the husband pulls away because she so obviously doesn’t need or want him involved. Don’t look at the situation logically, though. Look at it lovingly. Sure she’s doing everything. Sure she’s got a to-do list for you a mile long. But this doesn’t mean she wants to run everything; more than likely it means that she wants you to start taking more of the reins.
Don’t react to what we do; react to what’s going on inside.
And then step up and be a man. Start talking to us about decisions. Get involved in the family. Listen to our concerns. And then develop your own opinions about what you think is best. Show us you care. Show us you’ve thought about it, too. Relieve us of the burden of messing stuff up, all on our own. That’s what we really want you to do, regardless of what it may look like.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’ll admit that insights such as Sheila’s today didn’t occur to me naturally. Of course, I’m a product of the ’70s, when the liberators’ message of equality took the form of sameness, and those who didn’t begin life with a Biblical understanding of male and female were left wondering why men and women couldn’t just strive be more alike.
It’s called counseling. That fear of losing things comes from somewhere. Saying, “well just understand why I am controlling” is like saying, “Just try to understand why I am an alcoholic.” You need to deal with your need to control and leave your family alone. If women are busy working on themselves they will not have the time, energy or desire to control others.
I completely agree.
This reminds me of the story of the mother who complained that “nothing in this house works without her”, but when she had a 2 week vacation and just father and son were at home everything worked perfectly fine.
Then she got angry because everything worked perfectly fine while she was gone.
I understand what you want to say with the text, but as Tron pointed out it reads more like a text of an addict who can’t let go.
Also understand that men often have a lesser desire to control. So what you want from men – to take the reigns – is often not possible, just because men don’t see the necessity of any reigns to be taken.
Actually, if my husband does develop a drinking problem it is part of being his wife to help him understand why he’s using alcohol in that way. And I would want to understand. Just like when my husband becomes a “control freak” about the budget. There’s usually a reason– he’s seeing cutbacks at work, he’s seeing things in the news that make him concerned about the economy, he’s realized how old our vehicles are, he’s realizing he’s getting closer to retirement age, etc. Men can be “control freaks” too and a wife shouldn’t just tell him to go fix himself and leave the family alone.
Both partners bring baggage, anxiety, fears to the relationship. Seeking to understand rather than to judge and condemn is what is going to restore peace and enhance passion in a marriage.
Sheila,
Wow! On the nail head sistah!
Bette
Understanding the problem is half of the battle. What is the answer to fear? control?
I know we can do better than that.
Our North American society has spoiled us so that men have given up and women have taken control. There are pockets of wonderful relationships, but most have no faith or spirituality or purpose other than “get things done”.
I look to other cultures for wisdom on how to show up to relationships, how to deal with fear, how to love – and common wisdom is to love others, to give to others, and you will in turn receive. I also look to other cultures for partners for relationships, as the problem you are so correctly describing is being used as you use it – to ask men to understand rather than fix the problem. Of course, we men have many problems too, and the wise ones seek help.
Yes, I agree. So much to do – there is a fear of failure that rises up. Fear cripples us so we grasp for control before all hope “seems” lost.
Never realized it myself, but this is so true. Maybe women realizing why we are acting a certain way can help us make different choices.
Loved this article. I always feel like the bad guy “controlling” everything. It was once suggested to me to behave as though each parent is the CEO of their company and have regular board meetings. It’s helped!
word to the wise, those that seek total control end up with none. men by nature are not supposed to be controlled, and will instinctively fight it. thanks for the insight
Great article. Explain my situation. First,No kids to deal with. Luxurious trips for my wife. Complete support.
I get yelled at for giving my opinion when asked. For the record, I do not interject my opinion without being asked. I learned if I do, the verbal lashing will be more painful for me. Even if my opinion matches my wife, I am targeted, name called, controlled, and called defiant regardless of any question I have or positive feedback communicated.
To get this straight, as a man, I must give input. I do kindly. If I have no feedback, I receive the same scolding as if I did give an answer.
What’s my wife’s problem? Is she is an out right bully and control freak to the core. How do I fix this?
This article may apply to some people, man or woman, but it does not apply to all people.
Is my wife power tripping or is she out right insane?
Much insight is needed. My last resort is divorce and I would rather resolve arguments like adults, not children that kick and scream when they don’t get their own way with everything in life. Bad hair cut or color, my fault. A-hole cuts her off in traffic my fault. Co-worker irritates her, my fault. Is she capable of accountability? Is this what people do? Why set a standard of living that no human can live up to? Is this how all women treat men that support their hopes and dreams?
What is a woman’s responsibility? This article tells us men what to do, but where is the advice for women to lighten up and not knitt-pick the smallest of things? Why can’t my wife suggest resolve in an argument? I do every time and get yelled at further for wanting conflict resolution that doesn’t emotionally hurt or insult the other person. And when she is done cleaning the floor with me, she claims that it is my fault and tells me to shut my mouth or quit giving her lip. Does marriage mean the man an only the man must change, compromise, resolve, and automatically be at fault for everything in his wife’s life even if he is not present?
Most recently, I was put down for asking my wife the price of a product her spa carries. She threw a fit and called me defiant. The defiant remark spun me around like getting hit by a car. How is it defiant to ask a question about something that in the end financially benefits her. I would say us but her money is her money and my money is her money. I am ok with that even though I earn 10 times her earnings. I give and give everything asked and ordered of me. What am I doing wrong. My friends have commented on her behavior and mine. Ironically, her friends ask me why I allow my self to be a doormat. I can only answer them one way. ” if I don’t let her treat me like a doormat, the other option is being treated like toilet paper?
Please help. How do I sit through a bitch fit without ripping my hair out. During any argument, I ask to find resolve. She does not. In fact the mention of resolve triggers her to start playing a blame game that only confuses me more. I am exhausted with this. I love my wife, but something has to give and I have given all I got without complaining.
Also for the record: I never go to bars, do guys night out, drink alcohol, and insult my wife ‘s passions. When I do a random act of kindness, I get yelled at for not charging money. I was raised to give and I shouldn’t get interrogated for helping a man or woman. I received a day long scolding for opening a door for a man in a wheel chair. My wife said his hands work and he can press the button that opens the door. Even when I explain the button was broke, I was called a liar. The next day she walked up to the door and said in a mean voice as she pressed the button,” it’s that easy” even when the door didn’t open and the clerk explain it has been broken for a week, my wife did not apologize for calling me a liar. She actually told me she didn’t have to apologize and if I want to avoid this type of argument don’t spend 10 minutes wasting her time to open a door for someone that can push a button. Seriously…….this was said to me minutes after the clerk explained the open door button was broke. I’m going to avoid the feeding the homeless fight and the fight about me doing charity.
Steve, I am sorry to say but you are part of the problem. You are not acting like a man. Sorry. A real man does not allow themselves to be treated like nonentities.
You need to call out your woman more often. You’d be surprised how she will begin to respect you more. Stop being her doormat. If she yells at you for any reason, tell her she needs to stop pronto, or walk away from her and refuse to subject yourself to her abuses. If she wrongly calls you a liar, refuse to even talk to her until she apologizes. You must teach people how to treat you. And that includes your wife. You have allowed her to get away with too much for too long. Grow a spine, brother.
And, no, divorce won’t fix it for you, because you’d encourage the next woman to treat you exactly the same way.
This is time to man up, and put a stop to childish behavior from your wife.
Exactly.
This reply is exactly why most men just keep their mouths closed.
I agree with manlyman above regarding Steve’s response to his wife except, STOP that ridiculous Man Up cliche started by feminists. If women are suppose to be feminine but aren’t, do you realize how many women we’d be saying Woman Up to? Also, when men DO Man Up verbally, in-as-much-as-I-would, there can be a HELLISH price to pay, trust me. Like Sheila who wrote the article above, I too am a Christian who had a mother like Miss Ellie from Dallas full of patient grace but, the time to put your foot down is not waiting til marriage, well before this when “Getting To Know You” (a song from the “King and I”). So many people in the West do not realize how much bad diet is affecting our temperament.
Sorry, but I disagree. You are expecting the husband to be a mind reader. It is up to the woman to be able to discuss in a calm and respectful manner what is going on and what she needs help with. This is what adults do. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your husband about this, then enlist the aid of a counselor.
I know what you’re saying about Steve being more of a man, but I have women in my life like that, and no amount of being a man is going to change them. His wife sounds like she has psychological or emotional issues, maybe a personality disorder. It seems like alot more than just being being bossy or bitchy is going on. Have you ever tried to reason with someone with Bordeline Personality Disorder? You cannot.
For the first 16 years of my life I would always be foolishly following the orders of my mother. Listening to what she told me but not agreeing as she seems to be more of a liberal and I am considerably a conservative but balance out in the middle of the two political views. Anyways when I was 17 I came into a serious relationship. During the first 6 months my mom saw my spouse as a threat and would do everything in her power to try to keep the balance of influence in her favor(naturally). By the time I turned 18 she had given up and I moved out from home and I got a place for me and my girlfriend. My mom is now on good terms with us and likes to visit now and then and I am glad I am out of the days where she tries to fill my head with bullcrap. However after about 2 years living with my girlfriend I have started to notice some changes. The changes I commonly refer to as “My girlfriend taking a more agressive approach to my decisions and my personal life”. I own a business and i’m used to being the one in charge, I am 22 years old now and have come accustomed to controlling my own matters. But lately my girlfriend has, for whatever reason found the nerve to try to influence my business decisions, and dictate what I do around the house. She has a job and I’m almost busy 24/7. Whenever we do tasks as simple as transplanting our plants she feels the need to get Snappy and makes it seem as if I don’t know what I am doing(I am an expert on horticulture I grew up on a farm). I do not want to do anything with her anymore because she is always getting worked up with me. No matter what we do there is always complaining. She never used to say anything when I drove, and now we can’t go 5 miles without hearing a whiny complaint followed by a rude statement. But what gets to me most is the fact that she feels the need to try to take over on my business. She feels the need to Control all of the household finances that we made agreements on. She is in no higher postion over me as I am to her. But she can’t process that.. she cannot process the fact that I do not need her to make a suitable living. The way she has been treating me I feel like it’s time for me to move out and get a place for myself. Just to be free of all of the Controllingness that females just want to have. She is jeopardizing this relationship and all of the agreements that we agreed upon in the beginning at the age of 17 (18 for finances and all that).
Hi Hunter, I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated, and I can’t really give you direct advice because I’m only hearing one side of the story.
I do want to say this, though.
It sounds like you want a relationship on your own terms. You set up some parameters when you were 17, and you want those to be in place forever. But you’re 22 now. You’ve been with her for years. And I’m wondering: what have you sacrificed for her? Relationships are not only about getting what you want. Relationships are about becoming one, and loving and sacrificing for each other, not just being together in a way that’s convenient.
If you’ve been together for five years but you’re not married and you haven’t really talked about commitment, she’s likely just really frustrated. I have no idea what else is going on, but that’s one thing that I see. If you want to be alone, then by all means end the relationship. And if you want a relationship where you get what you want but nobody has the right to make any demands on you or claims on you, then you likely should end the relationship as well, because she likely needs to be set free to find someone who will want to love her and cherish her. But be careful, because if you only want life on your own terms, you could end up really lonely!
Hunter, as well as all men. Stop beating around the bush. Just ask her what her problem is. If the nag can’t be honest ditch her as SHE most likey will be the lonely one, whom has insecurities causing controlling issues. People have to be ready for commitments and if Parties involved aren’t ready for the next level then they aren’t ready. In your case if you made agreements and she isn’t living up to them then maybe you need to just ask her. Instead of acting like a child and throwing little tantrums she needs to act like a real woman and communicate. You better listen. Then you both have decisions to make. Everyone has choices and people need to respect them and make the next decision accordingly. Not force through manipulation of any kind. If you don’t want things to change say so. If she does she needs to say so. Your business is your business. as for her “advising” your business matters, maybe they’re good and maybe not. Listen and make a decision as an adult using reason and logic. But respect is a must. The moment respect goes the relations follows. If you both decide to work it out great. If you have to agree to disagree then you have to decide when and where to give. Both of you. If you want to salvage the relationship. if it’s too much then cut ties and find somebody more to your liking period. Life is too short to be so unhappy you make your mate unhappy or have to play games to get your way. That is pathetic.
A very seriously bipolar female once told me – “bipolars discover that it is much easier to control others than to control yourself – and everyone needs to control something”.
Control freak women in a primarily male workplace can disrupt an entire office with their posturing. They aggressively jockey to come out on top, confident that just like with big brother, they can kick you in the shin and hide behind “being a girl”.
No offense but this seems so one sided. Yes women want things their way but it also needs to be a balance and compromise. This seems to be selfish imo. Men want to help women but women should should allow themselves to be helped. If you really care about your man let him help you. No one is superman/woman. Everyone needs help and adding the attitude ” I don’t need a man” for anything only makes “good” men feel unwanted and used. I understand this isn’t all ladies but just food for thought as I get being independent but everyone needs someone for something.
But its up to you ladies either settle for an f boy that only wants one thing and have your control or get a real man and let him help.
How to handle controlling people, the answer is stop letting them control you, i dont really care who you are or any of your demanding ways i was not put on this planet to be controlled by others for what they want to do, i control myself is about all the power i have its so foolish to believe or let others believe they can control what you say or do, people need to realise whay freedom is most seem to have lost consciescness of it over this bullshit thing where they believe pleasing others is beneficial to your own well being, it is not if you keep pleasing controlling people going along in agreement you fuel their fire , controlling people should and need to be chucked in the rubbish bin where it belongs because it doesnt bring structure to any situation
This is all true. But it’s still a flaw on our parts we need to work on.
It would be nice if it weren’t all on us, though!