It’s time for our Ignite the Fire Marriage blog series, with three bloggy friends! We’re all writing on the same topic today, so you can read this post and then follow the links to see their unique take on how we can ignite the fire in our marriages.
Today we’re talking about passion in marriage.
I’ve just returned from dropping my oldest daughter off at university. The house feels empty without her here, and it will take some getting used to. I’m proud of her, but we’ll miss her terribly.
And so naturally I’m doing a little bit of a retrospective today, wondering, “should I have done that more? Or done this more?” It’s interesting the things that you regret NOT doing. I’m not beating myself up about how I should have cleaned more, or cooked more, or done any of those daily things more. I’m thinking that I should have been more spontaneous, more demonstrative, more fun. We should have had ice cream for breakfast a few more times. We should have run out and enjoyed the first day of spring a little more, instead of trying to get through all of our work. We should have curled up on her bed with hot chocolate and giggled more.
In other words, we should have experienced more of the joy of life, instead of just living it.
It’s the same with our marriages. What we regret is not savouring the moment–not taking that time to live in the passion of the moment.
When I think of the word “passion”, I think of someone experiencing something, of drinking it in. We concentrate on the senses, on the here and now, not on what we “should” be doing. To me, passion is the opposite of control. With passion we’re not thinking as much as we’re allowing ourselves to just live in the moment.
How often do you do that with your husband? How often do you just drink in his love, or his touch, or his kiss? How often do you just forget about all the “shoulds” and just play with your husband, like having a wrestling contest? How often do you allow yourselves to truly pray, to allow yourselves to be completely vulnerable together before God, without wondering if you’re doing it right?
Passion in marriage means savouring the little things. Yet we women have a hard time feeling out of control. We like to be in control of all situations. But I think when we try so hard to be in control, we often miss the beauty of the moment. And we miss the opportunity to live big.
Passion is scary, because it means being vulnerable. It means showing someone how you honestly feel. It means living large.
Certainly we need passion in the bedroom, as I’ve written about numerous times. (I am the Christian sex lady, after all!). And I think one reason we often have a hard time in the bedroom is because we’re scared of giving up control, and you can’t have a great sex life and also be a control freak. They don’t work together.
But passion in marriage is not only about the bedroom. It’s about how we live life in general. And if you’re trying too hard to control everything; if you’re trying too hard to live your life by lists and by shoulds; you may miss those moments where you’re just carried away by beauty and by feelings and by love. And we all need those moments, especially in marriage.
So how do you boost passion with your husband?
1. Carve out some time during the day when you don’t have to do anything, and just enjoy being with him. Hold his hand and concentrate on how it feels. Kiss him and concentrate on everything about that kiss–don’t overanalyze it, just experience it.
2. Breathe deeply. Smile more. Laugh more.
3. Give yourself some grace.
4. Learn how to open up and reveal a little bit more of yourself to him–and listen to a little bit more of his heart.
What so many men want is a woman who is truly present with him–not someone who is thinking about the laundry or the kids or what she should be doing. They want a woman who, in bed, is enjoying herself, not analyzing or worrying. They want a woman who can look into his eyes and just drink it in, not someone who is always criticizing or asking him to do something else on a to do list. They want a woman who wants to just BE–not someone who is always DOING.
It’s just little things, but you will never regret being more passionate, and more present, with your husband.
Probably many of you have seen this video, but it’s gone viral in the last week. This man was married to his wife Lorraine for 75 years, and after she died he wrote her a love song. The emotion is so raw, but what he says is real: Life only goes around once. Grab it while you’ve got it!
Here’s your challenge for a more passionate marriage in Week 1 of our Ignite the Fire Series:
Increase the passion in your marriage by letting yourself feel a little out of control with your husband–and a little more vulnerable. Let yourself savour with all five senses this week. Don’t worry about DOING; try, sometimes, to just BE.
My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too!
Join us next week when we talk about how to ignite the fire of kindness in our marriages.