It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below!
Today we have a guest post from J from Hot, Holy and Humorous.
It’s beneficial from time to time to take stock of your life and ask if there’s anything you could improve. (Hint: There is.) Today, I hope you’ll join me in asking six questions about your marital intimacy.
1. Do we have sex often enough?
Frequency is the first order of business for many spouses. They either feel that sex is not happening often enough or their spouse is expecting sex too often. In a healthy marriage, sex is not a rare event. It’s a regular activity that expresses love and builds relationship, not to mention that it relieves stress, helps you sleep, and improves mood. So how often should you have sex?
I’ve asserted that couples should have sex at least once a week, but more often is better. If you look up and it’s been over a week, check your priorities and devote more time for physical closeness. If you’re having sex almost every day, that’s normal and healthy. Indeed, when you consider how often to have sex, just consider that it doesn’t require that much time, feels good once you get going, and should be approached not with the question “Why?” but “Why not?”
2. Does our sex life include variety?
Some couples have four positions, a location or two, and a couple of times during the day they enjoy having sex. Other couples have a vast repertoire of locations, positions, activities, times, etc. And they all might be very happy with their sexual intimacy. There are plenty of ways to spice up your sex life if you wish, but you don’t have to do something different every time.
What’s not okay is to do the same thing every time. If sex the last time is the same as this time is the same as the next time, then the whole shebang can start to feel predictable and lackluster. Branch out a little. Try a different location.Try a new position. Wear something that makes you feel especially beautiful. Introduce mutual massage with lotion or oil. Have a quickie one time and drawn-out lovemaking the next. Include variety in your sexual intimacy. You’ll likely find that you enjoy trying new things together and discovering the different physical sensations they produce.
3. Are we both enjoying our sexual encounters?
What’s the point if only one of you is having fun? Indeed, I regularly hear from husbands who say their favorite part of sex is…watching their wives experience sexual pleasure.
God intended for sex in marriage to be pleasurable. If you don’t enjoy sex, address the issue. If you have physical pain or discomfort, talk to a medical professional. If you have a bad sexual history, get counseling and work through your past. If you have a mental block from false teaching that good girls don’t enjoy sex, pick up Sheila’s The Good Girl’s Guide to Having Great Sex. If you have relational problems with your husband, communicate with him and seek couples counseling or mentoring if needed. You should be enjoying sex with your spouse and, if you aren’t, there’s an issue you need to confront. God desires that you both experience pleasure (Song of Songs 5:1).
4. Does our sexual intimacy express and foster other forms of intimacy?
Sex in marriage isn’t merely about physical sensations. In a committed and God-honoring marriage, sex should be an outgrowth of emotional, mental, recreational, and spiritual intimacy. It should include those aspects as well.
Ask whether you experience other forms of intimacy in the bedroom? Do you talk and laugh as good friends do? Do you play as recreational partners would? Do you feel more connected and loved through this experience? Do you sense that God blesses your union?
Sex should go much deeper than the brief physical joining of bodies. It represents the unique marital relationship and fosters intimacy of every kind. Ask how your marriage fares in meeting this ideal. If it’s sagging in one area or another, what can you do to foster intimacy in your relationship and/or in the bedroom?
5. Have we prayed about our sexual intimacy?
If your sexual intimacy isn’t everything you want it to be, it’s likely not what God wants it to be either. When you two are functioning according to His plan, it is downright delightful. If it falls short, take your concerns to the One who created sexual intimacy.
Yes, I know it can feel weird to pray about sex. But God’s not ashamed of what He designed for married couples. And prayer can heal. It can heal a relationship. It can heal a hurting heart. It can heal faulty thinking. Talking to God could be the most important step in figuring out how to handle your specific scenario. Let Him guide you.
6. Do we invite positive sex messages into our lives?
I’ve come to believe that an important factor in having a healthy sex life is having the support of others. Yes, the intimate act is private—between two spouses and behind closed doors. However, false messages around us can destroy marital intimacy. False messages like porn is okay, sex is only for men, sexual intimacy dies after the honeymoon, and more.
Positive messages do the opposite: They fortify the couple and give them freedom to delight in sexual intimacy. Seek out positive messaging—like girlfriends who applaud your desire to honor your husband; books, blogs, and classes that teach how to be a good and godly lover; couples or relatives who’ll care for your kids and give you couple time when you need it; church resources that nurture marriage and sexual intimacy. These days, it requires intentional action to seek out positive messages to encourage your sexual intimacy. But it’s well worth the effort.
Evaluate where your marital intimacy is and make the changes you need to make.
J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
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