Are you living in a loveless marriage?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it! Today I want to tackle a really heavy one: what do you do when you’re in a loveless marriage, and you have little hope that it will ever get better?
I’ve received a number of heartbreaking emails in the last few days from women at the end of the proverbial marriage rope. They are so sad. Their husbands seem to be always hostile or distant. They’re dying from lack of affection. Their marriages are loveless. And they don’t know what to do. Here’s one:
It took me a long time to figure out why I was so angry at him for so many years. It felt like he was holding back love and affection from me and that he didn’t care about or for me. Even when I tell him I would like to be hugged or touched he could barely do it. I feel rejected from my husband. Being a Christian I do not believe in leaving and I really do not want to. I feel like a prisoner in this loveless marriage. I cannot leave for the commitment I made but I am dying inside with lack of affection. What am I to do? How much daily rejection can I keep taking. I touch him nicely on the shoulders or back and he acts like I am not even there. He has all sorts of “good” reasons to not be affectionate to me they all stem to something I said or did years ago.
And here’s another:
We’ve been married for three years, and he completely ignores me. He works all day, and comes home and barely acknowledges me. He checks out what I’ve made for dinner and if he doesn’t like it he orders in. Then he spends the rest of the night in front of the television. I feel trapped.
Both women are so sad because there seems to be no relationship left. It’s a completely loveless marriage–they don’t communicate, there’s only anger, and they feel trapped. And so today I’d like to talk to those of you who do feel alone in your marriage.
I know there are so many of you reading this blog that feel desperate. Your marriages don’t bring you joy. You almost feel like it’s a prison sentence. You’re sad all the time because he really seems like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if you’re sad. He doesn’t care if you’re exhausted. He’s hostile, and he’s angry, and he seems almost happy when you’re upset.
Now, in some cases you could be living with an emotionally abusive mate, and if you fear this is so, I really advise talking to a couple, or a counselor, who knows both of you in real life and getting their perspective. You may need to take steps to get yourself safe from abuse.
But from the emails I’ve read, it doesn’t look like that is the case. It looks like this is a longstanding relationship issue, and after years of unmet needs the relationship has deteriorated into something that feels like a virtually loveless marriage.
And now I’m about to tell you something that may be difficult to hear. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I want to be truly helpful, and saying, “I know it’s hard, and that’s really, really sad” isn’t always the most helpful thing.
It is extremely rare that only one person in the marriage feels as if they are not getting their needs met.
If you’re feeling like you’re living in a loveless marriage because you’re not getting your needs met–for affection, for love, for caring–the odds are almost 100% that he feels exactly the same way.
Here’s what happens: you both enter marriage needing essentially the same thing–you both want to feel cherished, connected, and loved. The problem is that the way that you experience these things is very different. So you’re both looking for very different things from each other. And the longer you go without getting your needs met, the more a negative cycle is born. She withdraws and gets sad. He feels angry at her for blaming him for being a bad husband, when she’s not accepting him either. So he may withdraw, or even get hostile. I don’t mean violent; I just mean that there’s this air in the house like he’s always angry, and she’s always on the verge of tears.
That’s not healthy.
Now, there are exceptions: you may be married to a true narcissist or you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage. But usually it’s simply that the relationship has deteriorated, not that someone is essentially bad.
So let’s ask ourselves some questions, and then I’ll point you to some resources that may help.
1. If you feel like this is a completely loveless marriage, then ask: was there ever love there? When you married him, was the interaction this bad?
Look back to when you were first married. Did he ignore you? Did he fail to show you any affection? Was he angry all the time?
I highly doubt it, because few of us would marry someone who treated us this way.
Chances are when you were dating he did talk to you, and he did laugh with you, and you did love him (and he loved you). Otherwise why would you have married him?
When I read these emails sometimes, they paint a picture of such a BAD man. And yet, as I said, while it may be true in a few instances that someone is married to an antisocial personality, it’s not true in most cases. Instead, the interaction between you has caused these negative cycles to develop, and that has caused him to withdraw and become unaffectionate and angry.
It is not that he is bad; it is that the way that you treated each other was bad.
Certainly some men may be nicer before they are married, and then once they are married they don’t make as much of an effort. That’s true for women, too! But if this is truly a loveless marriage, not just a lazy marriage, there’s more going on here. And I believe that in most cases, it’s a history of treating each other badly, of hearts broken because needs have not been met, of choosing to withdraw or become angry, and reinforcing this dynamic.
2. If the loveless marriage is less a personality issue and more a relationship issue, then you have the power to do something about it.
If the problems in your marriage are not because your husband doesn’t love you, but more because you’ve settled into this awful way of relating to each other, then you also have the power to do something about it. If the way that you treated each other caused you both to become entrenched into this way of seeing each other, then choosing to start acting differently can also start changing it as well.
I’m not saying that you can fix everything; nobody can fix everything on their own. But by taking that first step, by being the “peacemaker” that Jesus talked about in Matthew 5, you can start getting your marriage on better footing.
3. Work first on Showing Kindness
And what should that first step be in starting to heal a marriage where love has gone? How about simply showing kindness to him? When you have this cycle of negativity, he senses the anger and disappointment that you have in him, and it likely makes him angry, too. So how do you break that? Just be kind, and you may start to break down that wall, brick by brick. We show kindness to strangers even if they don’t return it, but somehow when it comes to marriage, we start to ask, “does he deserve this?”, or say, “he never does it for me, so why should I do it for him?” Yet this kind of tit for tat only makes everything worse.
Someone has to be the first one to do the right thing, even if that right thing isn’t reciprocated.
You do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing, not because it will magically fix everything.
So do little things. If you want some ideas, check out these posts:
How to Show Kindness to Your Husband
25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love
4. Work next on Your Friendship
Start doing little things everyday to be kind. Look for ways to be kind. Hopefully that will start to wear down some of the tension in the marriage. Once you’ve done that, work at trying to do things together.
Often when we feel like we’re in a completely loveless marriage, we want to start with tackling the big issues: you don’t show me affection, you’re always angry, you never talk to me. But you can’t start dealing with issues until you’ve built some goodwill up. Think of this like the “Love Bank”. Every time you deal with a problem you’re making a withdrawal, because that takes a toll on a person. But you’re not allowed to go into debt in the Love Bank. So if you have no balance–if you feel totally negative towards each other, as if it’s a totally loveless marriage–then you can’t start making withdrawals. There’s nothing there to work with.
So you have to make those deposits first, by spending a few weeks just being kind, and now by trying to work on your friendship.
I’ve got some articles on how to do that, but let me say that I’m not talking about doing everything together. I just mean finding some things, even if they’re quick things, that you can do without animosity. Maybe it’s taking a walk with him after dinner, or joining him in jogging, or helping him figure out the bills, or watching his favourite TV show with him and getting him a cup of coffee when you do. It doesn’t matter what it is; just spend some time doing something together.
Here are some articles that can help with that:
My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me
5. Then Tackle the Big Things
Once you’re showing kindness and laughing more, you can start tackling the big things. That likely will mean taking some responsibility for your sex life, and trying to throw yourself into it, if you’ve been neglecting it. Often when we women start to feel as if our husbands don’t love us, we withdraw sexually, which makes everything worse, and which is also wrong, in and of itself. If you have no idea where to start, suggest to him that you try 31 Days to Great Sex. It will get you talking and laughing again, and that’s probably most of your problem!
And you may have to tackle some other hard issues, too. I’ve got lots of articles on this blog for specific issues; you can check out a partial list of the most common marriage problems here. But let me leave you with some big picture articles:
Invest In Your Marriage (it’s worth it!)
Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage
I Messed Up. Those are Freeing Words!
Final Thoughts To Fix a Loveless Marriage
If you’re in that negative cycle right now, feeling as if he doesn’t appreciate you, doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t love you, can you take a step back for a moment and realize that your husband probably feels the same way? And instead of giving up on the relationship, can you realize that your best chance for lifelong happiness is to invest now in your marriage. It’s to get over these feelings of helplessness, and start to DO love until you FEEL love. Do the right thing. Change that dynamic. Start learning to have fun with him again instead of always feeling hurt and like you’re going to cry.
I know it’s hard. I know you feel paralyzed. But you simply must make a decision to DO something about it. There is nothing magical I can tell you that can make him change; but I do know that he is likely hurting, too. So if you can change the way you think about your marriage, you’ll likely be able to break that negative cycle. And your marriage may not seem so loveless anymore.
I write all about how to do this in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It helps you get honest with yourself about how your ways of thinking may be jeopardizing your marital happiness. But then it helps you confront your husband and deal with his issues, too. It can help you navigate these waters as you try to rebuild the relationship you really want!
UPDATE: If you’re dealing with a marriage in which he is doing something that jeopardizes everything–using porn, not supporting the family, being abusive–then I’d suggest this post for a fuller perspective: Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? I also deal with these scenarios in my book, and help you figure out when you should let things go, and when you simply must confront an issue.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I loved your advice, Sheila. What hit me in the question was “It took me a long time to figure out why I was so angry at him for so many years.” My husband and I were watching Cedar Cove last night and it occurred to me that most of the women in the show were very angry with the men in their lives. Being angry at someone never solves anything. It just makes it worse and I think this is most women’s first reaction when their husbands are not living up to their expectations. The relationship spirals downward from there. Love wins others, never anger.
Thanks, Lori! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I had a terrible childhood emotionally, my mother died when I was 8 and my father (who turned out to not be my father after all, I learned at the age of 2 died when I was 10 after doing inappropriate things with me. My mother was never mentioned again and I grew up lonely, feeling unloved and unloveable. The first man that gave me attention, a black man who charmed me into his bed, I had three children with, but I never loved him. I just didn’t I could do any better. I endured much with that alcoholic husband until I got the nerve to leave, even he had me nearly convinced that I could never make it without him. Lonely again, and was afraid I could not raise my three boys by myself, but my feelings of no self-worth, unloveable reared their ugly heads and the first man that offered to love me AND my three bi-racial sons I jumped at. I did not love him but I was scared. Here I am 20 years later, sad, lonely, married to a man that I have been living a lie with, pretending for the world that our marriage is ok. God hates divorce and I just keep talking to Him, asking for the strength to obey because I am supposed to stay in this marriage. I sort of feel like I am reaping what I sowed, living a lie. What makes it even harder is that I learned something about this man that had I known, I NEVER would have married him. He knew he should not be marrying me either, and admitted to me later that he had tried to pick a fight the morning of the marriage but he was scared too. I am a people pleaser and will sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others, but I am wasting away on the inside, jsut so miserable and unhappy. I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Is this what I have to look forward to until Christ calls me home?
Oh my as I read this I cried not only for you but for myself. Your story is a duplicate of my life. I have been with my husband for 34 years . He has cheated on me thruout the relationship I knew I didn’t love him and I still don’t my mom made him marry me because I was pregnant. My biggest fear is that I am going to die never feeling loved. My childhood I felt unloved and unwanted. My husband is very negative everything out of his mouth is negative. I cringe at sex it’s for him I look at him and am disgusted my feelings don’t matter. I am turning 50 and have started to reflect that this relationship is unhealthy I want out now that our children are aldulrs but I am stuck financially and emotionally. He has belittled me for all these years last night when he was yelling and calling me names I felt nothing. I am a Christian woman but find myself wishing he would just die. I am sorry to hear that you too are experiencing the same pain I am. I am lonely in my marriage I have no friends I feel I have no purpose. Will I ever find joy or happiness? I ask myself what have I done so wrong to deserve this life. I have always taken care of others I don’t know how to take care of myself. I am sorry for the rant, tonight I was searching on loveless marriages and found your comment. Just know you are loved by God and others.
Take steps every day to better your life.
You can begin by making at least 2 Christian friends. Your life sounds so similar to mine except my husband hasn’t cheated with another woman. He has no interest in me as a woman. There is no affection, intimacy or loving warmth. I too am financially dependant totally. I have already been the Christian Counseling route. He refused to get help. I exist day by day. Please get support and help. I have lived this ft many years. I don’t even feel like I am the same person I once was. That is the most frightening part of this. Sometimes well meaning people will say stay at all costs . I say don’t allow yourself to be destroyed. I finally realized I can’t be in a marriage by myself. It takes a husband a wife to make a marriage. They both have to want it to better and we cant change anyone.
Sheila, I have been married for 9 years at the beginning it was good but then he got involved with drugs and shot himself in the leg. He is now clean but blames me for not keeping him off drugs in the past. I really believe our marriage is over. I work 12 hours a day 6 days a week and thats not enough. He doesn2work but tells me what a worthless bitch I am. It has been very physical at times and I fear him. I don’t know why I am hanging on cause there is nothing left.
Darla, that’s so, so hard! It sounds like you’re in a very unhealthy situation. Do you have healthy people you can grow closer to who can help you through this difficult time?
You are right, Lori. Love is what we want to be expressing. However, it is very important that, when you notice you are angry, you let it inform you about what the frustration, hurt, fear or expectation that is not being met is about. Anger is healthy. It tells you when your boundaries–even ones you don’t consciously know about–are being crossed. What you DO with anger is the important thing. Anger that goes underground, becomes “sneaky anger”, potshots, offhand comments, sarcasm. Ignoring anger is perilous. It informs you in ways that you might not otherwise notice.
Hi All,
Came across this site. From a male perspective when you’ve married the love of your life. 27 years, same figure even after 3 kids, yet after 27 years of trying to fill all her insecurities of self worth, looks and general happiness in a marriage we are separated. My faulty I have an emotional affair. For the past 6 year I have tried to bring us to counselling, the five love languages etc. She has co-dependencies issues and narcissism issue.
I admit I gave up chasing the marriage trying the AIR – Affection Intimacy Romance approach. I cook for the family, do all the groceries and keep all the outside mowed and pruned. Don’t do the bar thing, or carouse. Yet we are like brother an d sister. Dead in the water.
Any males out their or any women that can shed some advise…..
Hey Brian,
A sexless marriage is 90% of the reason men get divorced from their wives as when men get rejected it hurts a load. This of course if medical reasons have been ruled out like a under active thyroid which can kill sex drive for a woman.
Generally there is something the woman is very unhappy about in the relationship and will withhold sex as a form of punishment, which in turn causes resentment for both of you. When I speak to woman who are very intimate with their husbands they say their husbands are so much better for a few days after sex and attend to their needs all the time, but a husband who doesn’t gets sex after awhile gives up trying because they feel nothing they can do will please their wives and make them feel wanted.
I’m jumping in here late but wanted to respond to this. SOME woman may withhold sex as punishment but not all women do that. If there is no sex, oftentimes it is because we feel unloved. It’s not natural for a woman to want to engage in sexual activity with a man whom she feels does not love her.
I call balderdash. If you withhold sex, it is punishment, regardless of whether you feel like he shows love to you in the way you like. Does he provide for the family? Does he beat you, scream at you, or call you names? If you don’t have legitimate reasoning, then don’t wait for the stars to align and for you to have the perfect feeling of being loved. Do you think he is going to then show you more love if you pull the puppet strings on sex? I think not. If you want him to look elsewhere, keep doing that. Women who say this generally are never satisfied and it is a never ending chase of trying to make them feel loved enough. That is the old proverbial prostitute with one customer.
Is that the same thing youd tell a man who was withholding from his wife?
Omg larry your post is funny. I have been married for 13 years. For my hubby i tried dressing up, costume s, toys , dances all to be told time after time not tonight i have a headache i feel sick and any other excuse for him not to notice me. This happens when hes not yelling at me for forgetting something or trying to make a special night, my birthday valentines day Christmas and our wedding anniversary i am forgetten , i buy him little surprises try and do something special nothing gets noticed. And help me if he noticed me naked 1 time out of 10. And I must say it appears that I never do anything right no matter how much I try. Am i the perfect wife/woman? No! But I give it my everything. I try to show my love and feelings and if i make a move for sex i feel belittled and stupid to try for a kiss or cuddle always to busy. So honestly with your comment maybe you have been with a woman who with holds sex but don’t make the mistake and think we are all the same. Sometimes men need to step back and instead of blaming the wife they need to look at themselves and see how they make the problem worse.
Exactly. Im in the same boat. Been over a year with no sex. In the 15+ years we’ve been married, I only said no once when I was in my second pregnancy. Its humiliating, and he always has an excuse. Definitely not because I havent tried, or shown lots of intrrest. Would just like to know why. Been going out of my kind trying to look at myself, when I k ow deep in my heart the problem is him. Its certainly abuse. Neglect. Failure to fulfill the marital command to not with old from one an other.
I’ve been married 31 years. Never with held sex as punishment. Never received any gifts Christmas Birthdays etc. Did everything for my husband. Let him have is dreams and wishes. Let him basically buy what he wanted while I went without. I’m a very giving loving person. Went through a very unhappy marriage we have 4 children all adults now. One of which still lives at home due to a mental illness. Years of unhappiness with a self centered person. Thought about leaving him several times during our marriage and never could work up the courage to do it.I grew up with a step family that scarred me and didn’t want my children to go through the same. I also was diagnosed with cancer 19 years after our Marriage surgeries and treatments over the next 12 years left me feel like No one else would want to be in a relationship with me so I stayed married. Now my cancer is worse and I am regretting the fact that I stayed married my husband is self centered. I am sick and he doesn’t help with things I ask him to do. He continues to go to the gym which is fine except sometimes I need help and he puts me off.When I ask him for help he turns everything around into an argument and storms off. I have stage 4 cancer recently had bilateral nephrostomy which limits things I can do like mopping lifting.Life is short if you are truly not happy leave don’t stay in a relationship where it is one sided. A real marriage should be two people who really love each other who are not afraid to show affection.Love doesn’t mean gifts but showing the person you love them doing something special together.Love is not one sided not all about yourself but about both of you. Your children grow and find a life of their own. And what you are left with is your spouse.
Till death do us part means they will always be there for you. Life is to short. Without love there really is no life.
Omg. I just want to hug you. I am in a similar situation but not as bad. I think I have cultivated a narcissistic husband though! At times like these women should be there for each other and I would love to be a friend to you.
I totally know what you are feeling. My husband and I are in our 30s we are still we have 2 children together, try as i might nothing. I love sex the only time I said no was not long after I had our first child. Im sure most would understand.
After the birth of our 2nd child things just got from good to just nothing. Now 10 years later still gets worse, now complains about being to sore from having sex ( not sure if I should laugh or not ) or tired or some instant illness just to get out of it. Nothing I’ve started to get to the point of where if he doesn’t come to me i wont either. I do believe that he cheated on me about a year ago that is when everything got really worse working more more moody and completely off sex or touching, i tried talking to him just to get my head biten off and was told that im probably the one sleeping around. That conversation died faster than it started. I am now not sure what to do. I’m in that i can make myself better for him stage. New clothes new sexy outfits new hair cut lost weight, got a few pleasure peicings done nothing I’ve no idea what to do is it so hard to ask me how my day was or give me a kiss on the cheek? I guess if he does that then i might think that he cares 🙁
Well I can honestly tell you that guys and gals are pretty much the same in this respect anymore. Most spouses desire sex regularly, but if the man or woman feels controlled or browbeat then that will kill all sexual desire in the spouse. I will tell you right now my wife has been just downright verbally and emotionally nasty too me since the day we married. This has been so bad that even her own family members have commented on how horrible she treats me and have called her out on it right then and there. I refuse to have sex with her, she is a sick abuser who was abused as a child and never got help for it. As much as a pity her I cannot bring myself to be that intimate with someone who I don’t trust this much. It’s not a guy or girl thing it’s a respect and love issue. I am planning my exit strategy.
My husband has with held sex for 6 years now. He either yells ir is super sweet in words only or ignores me. I think he married me to raise his children. Now they are out of the house in college, it’s worse. He scares me when he yells and punches things. I think he wishes I’d leave or just live like room mates
And you’re right. This is something I strongly feel. My husband is very abusive emotionally….selfish… Self-centered controlling. I can go on. I don’t believe in divorce. But I don’t want what I’ve been given in this marriages. I deserve better. I cry almost everyday . I’m always lonely sad. But you’re right … I can you wanna make love to your husband when deep inside I feel he truly hates me. And I’ve done nothing wrong but Love him.
I am sad in my marriage of 22yrs. I grew up with emotional neglect and my husband has repeated the pattern. He gives very little empathy or thoughtfulness to the things I say or try to express. He constantly interrupts me in front of others and he can be harsh with the children. I have not worked up the courage bc of lack of emotional trust to have sex for about 3 years. I just can’t do it. It feels like a huge compromise to my self worth. I am at the end of my hope. We have tried counselors and somehow, we cannot get our feet under us. I want to be wanted and cherished, but feel abandoned, again.
My husband has withheld sex from me for 4 years next year. So sick of hearing it is always the wife who does.
That should read next month, not year. Over the years he has made sure I have nothing to do with my family, so now I have nobody to go to for support.
While I certainly don’t doubt this statistic I have something to add. As a women it’s REALLY hard to feel free sexually with your husband when you don’t feel loved and protected. When you have young kids (hanging on you, nursing etc) you really would love to have nobody touching you for a little while too. But, my main point is that it is a very delicate balance of a man loving and protecting and valuing his wife (love her as Christ loved the church) and the wife showing respect and a desire for her own husband. When one is out of whack it’s very difficult for the other to get past it. I know my husband needs sex more but it’s really hard when you don’t feel valued. When he very obviously doesn’t want to talk to you, listen to you, spend time together. How does a women get past that. It’s so hard to think “if I were giving him sex now he’d love me more or be happier”? It’s sad to think that everything else you’ve been through or done for him means nil if that area is lacking. Also, it’s hard if you’re husband has ever been into porn. Then he wants you to be something you aren’t comfortable with and don’t feel you were created for. It’s all a very vicious cycle. It all points to how very miserably we have ruined God’s perfect plan and desire for marriage and our lives.
My husband
Had withheld affection and intimacy for 2 months ofbour 2 year marriage0. I took it personally, at first, but Im reasonably certain he’s a sex addict as he hides all of his tech- has several iPads computers p
Hey,
Not always the case, women also want sex! Because this Physical connection is Confirmation Of the emotional bond that they share!
Unfortunately, there are women like myself that would love nothing more then a kind word, or a physical touch of any kind.
For the first 8 years of our marriage I have tried to please my husband in anyway possible, even to the point of changing whom I truly am, to the point I started to hate the person I was becoming!
And Decided I could not live like that so I all together stopped trying.
After that about a every year or so I would State I need to have some kind of connection with the man I am Married to! And I always get the same reply,” if you want this, then… you have to reply. But despite even doing what is asked there has still been nothing!!!!!
He says the only reason he is here is because we had sex and I got pregnant and he did the right thing and married me !!! And I should show him the respect that he deserves, which I do have respect for him . I love him and want nothing more then a meaningful relationship. I understand why he has been verbally abusive at times, because of his upbringing .
And he has truly tried to change the verbal abuse, this is why I am still here, I do believe in my relationship with Christ being enough to comfort and guide me! Yes, I cry and morn for the lack of relationship with my husband. And I will continue to show him love even if there is no love in return! Why? Love conquers all!
Sadly, we are taught that love is enough but, my thoughts are that sometimes love is not enough. I loved my husband with all my heart for many years and prayed many hours for him, our marriage and family. My loving him with my whole heart didn’t change him or make him desire the good and loving marriage that I desired. You can’t change anyone except yourself..and that only with God’s help. Sadly, I feel that I have changed.
Yes, no sex hurts. We have not had any for 6 years as my wife says no. She is like a maid, not a wife. She fixes my means, but does not eat with me. She does not go to bed with me and gets up before I do. She is always yelling at me and demands everything her way. She rarely will go out to dinner with me or to visit friends. She has never gone to my church with me and never ask me to go to hers. She is from a different culture-Vietnamese, but I need some show of affection and there is none. I rub her shoulder, touch her had, but she does not do anything of the kind. 7 years of this hell – and I am lost as what to do.
Roger, I do hope that by now you have sought some kind of help from a Pastor , Counselor etc. I can tell you that it is easy for all of us to give advice and make recommendations and tell someone else to read this book or pray more etc when we are not the one living in your hurt and misery. I can let you know from someone who has lived through years of lovelessness, no aff ection, verbal abuse, hostility , no sex ,etc that there comes a time to get yourself to safety. If you are a Christian Jesus does not want you to be destroyed. I read the books on having a better marriage, I went to Christian Counseling, I cried alone and prayed every day and night , I told my husband what The BIble says about marriage, I wrote him letters and none of that changed him. I don’t know your wife so, I can’t speak to your problems directly but, in some cases we have to face the fact that the other person either doesn’t want a close and loving relationship or they aren’t capable of having that kind of relationship. I had to realize that there was something abnormal about a person who seems untouched by another person’s suffering and shows no remorse, regret or repentance and takes no responsibility for their role in the relationship. I kept praying and felt there is very likely mental illness or personality disorders Schizoid Personality, Paranoid Personality Disorder etc. Sadly my Counselors never brought it up so, it has been a devasating, frustrating way to try to live for all of these years. The other thing I had to face was that I didn’t want to try to keep trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. Love that is forced is no love at all is what a wide lady said to me. My heart goes out to you. I truly have lived that pain. I wish there was something more I could do to help. Hope for all e best for you. Please don’t wait too long to get help.
Brian,
I can say that I have been in an unloving marriage for about 12 years. I was ignored for years. Treated in my mind as a fixture. I brought this up to my husband several times and got a blank response. I would try to initiate sex and would get a when this game is over (he’s a computer fanatic) or some other lame excuse. I was never an initiator which I don’t hide, but when I did get up the nerve to ask…I got rejection. I finally gave up on sex and the marriage. Being ignored further and further drove me away. We have one child. This child is the only reason I am still in this marriage. I will not put him though being pulled back and forth. I am sacrificing everything for him. I also don’t know how I can go on living this way. Nobody seems to understand what it is like to live with no romance…no touching, etc. It causes a lot of resentment. I’ve been to two marriage counselors on my own and one counselor with both of us. None of which helped me in the least. For me they told me it was over just by how I talked, but not one told me how to get any of it back. At this point in life we are living together as room mates and raising our son with the most stable life that we can. I see happy couples and wonder what happened to the days when we were like that. We just grew so totally apart that there is no getting that back for me. I don’t want to be touched and I want to be left alone. I blame him constantly and I find my anger comes out in hurtful words. I do everything unless I ask him for 3 weeks straight and finally he MIGHT get around to doing it. If it’s something he wants to do he’s all over it. I find a lot of times I cry myself to sleep. It’s not easy for sure. It’s sad that your partner for life ignores you for years on end, but can’t understand how you can be out of love with them. That kind of thinking simply amazes me.
I understand how you’re feeling. Its been four years just past October 22. Everything you’re saying is what I’m dealing with too. And maybe worst . I’m looking for answers too. I wanted to try counseling but I see what you wrote and I’m not going to waste my money if they give you pointers on his to save your marriage. Cause they’ll probably tell us… Yeah you guys need to divorce. I know that much. Lol. But he claims we’re never divorcing .. Its forever he states. Yeah cause he’s happy making me miserable lonley and depressed .
I can completely identify with you only I have been married for 36 years in a cold, touchless, lonely marriage…… Really married the wrong person….. He was cold before we got married… I was just young and stupid…. Thought everything would be ok…. Couldn’t even count all the tears I have cried. Could fill a lake….. I tried to do everything right – a good Christian, attractive, thin, hard worker…. None of it got his attention….when confronted he just says ” it’s not in me to be that way”, ” I wasn’t raised that way”. Blah blah blah…. I always thought if you loved someone you would work hard at what they needed to make them happy…. I just don’t get it.. He’s a good man -would never cheat on me, etc. just doesn’t get involved with me emotionally….. Now that I’ve gotten older all the affection is not that important. I just wish he would see where I need help and. Support without me having to ask him. He’s like a two year old….. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to do that to my son ( he’s 32 and a fine young man), and I’m not going to give up my house and to be honest I don’t want to go thru all the grief of a divorce….. Why can’t he just doo what I need for him to do???
That’s a long time to be married. Im only 31, and got married at a young age too. You seem to be about my parents age. Besides the point, I don’t want to have to go through a divorce – the emotional, financial headache will just be too bearable – for me, my daughter. Its a headache enough for my parents to be in the middle, as my daughter and my wife live with my parents and have to hear us fight and bicker all the time.
I have a 10 year old girl with my estranged wife/partner/distant spouse – what ever you want to call her.
I do love her – and that will never change, but she reminds me of your husband – distant, and doesn’t want to put in the effort where it needs to be. We “tried” counseling – I didn’t call enough to book a meeting and wasn’t quick enough to make an appointment, so I was too slow supposedly. Yes, I was partly to blame for the demise – but it takes too for the fall-out of the marriage. I did my dirty deeds, and its sad that if only one person wants something so bad – it still won’t work out. Two people have to work it out. The one that hurts the most is not me, nor her, but my daughter.
I hope you and I can figure it out. I know we have a different story to tell, the amount of time/years spent in the marriage is different, but I know you want it to work, and I believe that you want a change in a positive direction.
Good luck, and I hope you and I will get through this, before its too late.
He never will change so asking yourself that question is irrelevant. The real question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be happy for the remainder of your life?
I feel the same i realise at the beginning i compensated for his lack of intimacy – i was young and thought i was in love. I should have realised when i kissed (on the cheek only) him in the first years of our relationship and he turned away from me or when i would try and touch his hand he would move it or cuddle he would push me away… so after a few years of trying this i just gave up.. i feel cold inside and lost my passion and emotion.. i have become extremely void of any emotion and find it even difficult to translate this to my children. i morn the loss of this intimacy of myself constantly. i use to be so passionate. He was my first relationship. i am lost.
My wife feels the same about me that I never do things with out being asked. Idk if it’s laziness tired from a long day of work being yelled at at work all day then being yelled at home for not doing things or doing nothing then wrong. I want to help her I really do but I get afraid that I’ll do it wrong. I love my wife but we both have distanced ourselves she get angry at me often and it makes me to want to do things less and less. I know marriage isnt easy. My wife says that my actions show that I don’t love her. And we just got in an arguments at night about this and she says that it’s a loveless marriage and I don’t change and that I’m like a son to her because i forget often or don’t do things unless I’m told. I don’t know why I do that. But she also says she doesn’t love me and what would she. I also have lied to her often i don’t know I do it it’s like a reflex I just do it. I need help and want to save my marriage and want her to be happy and see that she made the right choice to be in this marriage
Be careful sacrificing your happiness and well being for your child, it isn’t always appreciated later on down the track.
Im the wife in a sexless marriage. He will not meet my advances, saying hes not in the mood. It has been this way our whole marriage, but only now have we gone over a year with no sex. He is very angey at me, over what I believe to bemany things, but I think hes mostly just placing blame on me for his own disappointment in life. In the last year he said he didnt love me, and that he wants a divorce. After three months of counseling he said he wouldn’t divorce me I’d I made more money. I got a new job, keeping a second job on the weekends. Im making twice what I was before, and still, no affection. He is placing all the burden on me to change, which I’ve been trying, even putting in more effort to clean the house and lose weight. But he will not look to himself to change. It is very exhausting, very hurtful, and most days I feel worthless. I dont know how much longer I can do this, or how much longer my body can do this. I feel run down and overwhelmed most days. But I do it hoping one day he will love me again.
You’re wasting even more time than I am
My situation is so confusing, I am at a loss. I used to “do” all of the “right” things, understanding that when the house is clean, meals prepared, and money managed, my hubby was “happy.” But he was never truly engaged, and I still don’t understand why. He has never asked questions, other than “what’s for dinner?” Very rarely did he initiate sex, and the little conversation we had was me trying to get him to participate, while he would sit with a glazed look until he told me he was “tired.” I quickly learned that he was dishonest with me on a regular basis, especially where finances were concerned. (Recently he has even done something that was illegal, and I’ve only found out because our financial accounts were frozen.) He claims he is depressed, which I believe to be true, but will not seek help for it.
All of that said, I still do nice things for him, as I am able, but it’s getting more and more difficult. We have tried to get help for our relationship, but he was dishonest there, too, and has forbidden me from talking about much of what we need help with…which leaves me looking bitter and angry. (Honestly, I fight constantly not to be…but lose the battle a lot at this point.) Meanwhile, he has perfected the role of victim, even in simple conversation.
A couple of weeks ago I initiated a fight (a rare occurrence.) During the episode, I noticed that every thing he said was a “poor me” reference. Every conversation we ever have is centered around him–his needs, wants and desires. I feel like there is no room for *me* in my own marriage. (That isn’t a call for sympathy, but rather an analytical observation. The truth is, I’m at a loss as to how to change it, though.)
I have read your post about the difference between submission and being a doormat, which gave me a lot to think about, and this post makes some really good points, too. I guess my ultimate question is this: Knowing that you can’t change another person, how can I create a situation/environment that engages a husband who is seemingly not interested in anything, not even sex?
Hi Anonymous,
I see a number of red flags in your email that I would think warrant some outside help. If you think that he’s being dishonest with the finances, and doing something illegal, I would either get the police involved (depending on how illegal this is!) or at least talk to a pastor, counselor, or mentor couple. I know he has said that you aren’t to talk to anybody, but that is not the biblical model found in Matthew 18. Sometimes we have to bring others in. And if he is depressed, then he needs help with that, too, and sometimes we have to cause a confrontation to make him get the help he needs.
I think maybe this post may be the most helpful for you: Are you a spouse or an enabler? Take a look at that and see if that gives you some ideas of what to do now.
I’m so sorry, though. I know it must be lonely, and I do think that bringing some light onto the situation may in the end be more helpful.
My husband was exactly the same way. Finally this past year I found out why. He was engaged in some very shameful activities. We are in counseling now. He has finally come clean about everything. In counseling I remarked once about how he always made every situation about him. He told me that he wanted to make sure he was in control of the conversation so I wouldn’t ask difficult questions.
You and your husband will be in my prayers.
This is not really advice on the situation, but a slightly different perspective. My hubby has the same complaint about me as you do about your husband- the conversation is always about me. I have stopped playing the victim about that and owned my feelings about why I do that. It is not out of selfishness, exactly, that I do that, but out of self and marital preservation! We are mad at each other for a situtation, but when we get to the reconciliation phase of an arguement, you know the point you are supposed to talk about your feelings and wishes, he shrugs or says I do not know what I want/how I feel, etc. From my end that is very frustrating! He is mad at me about something but has not taken the time to figure out what it is, why it makes him feel that way, or what we can do. Elaborating on my emotions is my way (albeit maybe not the best way) I get to try an elicit a response so we can fix the issue. In the recent past he told me that I was being selfish and it was always about me, but when I told him point blank tell me your feelings and fix this then he just stared at me. He mumbled something about his feelings/wishes not being important. I blew up at him then. I told him his feelings are obviously very important because he is getting mad at me because they are getting hurt/his wishes are not being met, etc.; but that if he refuses to talk to me about them we will never fix anything because I cannot guess at what he wants/needs, I have been doing that for 2 years and failing. Basically, it was a wake up call for him because he had been expecting me to meet certain needs/desires that I had no idea existed.
This is not your exact situation, but maybe you need to look at how you are expressing your feelings/wishes. If your hubby dismisses your feelings/wishes like my hubby did his you need to inform him they are valid for the health of your marriage.
Hi,
I just asked for prayer in a group and right after I sent it, your post appeared! Call it a fast answered prayer?!
Thank you for your post, and I know there is always hope, but the feeling that this hope is so so so far away, and sometimes it feels it won’t be in my earthly life, is just sad and makes me feel defeated. I know I have to work on a lot of areas in our marriage but (and I know there shouldn’t be a but), I am trying to be kind, to reconnect with him and no matter what, he is not changing… I know only god can, I just do not know how to get over my own feelings, shut them away in prayer doesn’t work… I do not know how to give him grace and not get mad at him….for the things he keeps doing….
Great post. The movie Fireproof is a great example of you changing yourself instead of trying to change someone else. Within that movie is “The Love Dare” is a great help and can also be a Home group or bible study. I loved the movie Fireproof that someone lent me, so much that I bought it myself. It does make a difference.
I feel hopeless about my loveless marriage. At times I feel like God is punishing me by making me be joined for the rest of my life with someone who really doesn’t care about me or marriage. My husband was raised in a family that believes that even if you are not living as one (physically, emotionally) that is okay as long as you stay legally married. He is also from a culture that refuses counseling. About 7 years into our marriage my husband admitted that he cheated on me early in our marriage. By the time he told me, we had three children and it was so far in the past that I didn’t feel the situation merited divorce. As serious as that situation was, he would not go to counseling or “allow” me to go (I’m a SAH/homeschooling mom so I don’t have the money or time to go on my own). Based on the cheating, the overall way my needs are ignored unless he needs/wants something, and comments he’s made, I highly suspect that my husband wishes he wasn’t married to me but because of his familial/”Christian” beliefs he won’t divorce. I realize that my faith to our marriage will ultimately be rewarded, but it’s so disappointing to think that I have a lifetime of never feeling loved or cherished ahead of me. I’m also afraid that this idea of a loveless marriage being as good as it gets will somehow be passed down to our children like it has been for my husband.
Hi Anonymous, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but have you gone to your pastor? Usually churches can help you find someone to talk to who can walk you through these really difficult things. I hate to think of you being so alone! I’d really recommend asking your pastor for help. And maybe this post will help: Are you a spouse or an enabler? I don’t think marriage should be an excuse not to grow; and sometimes by doing nothing in a marriage, we give our spouses a “cover” so that they don’t have to grow into better people at all. That doesn’t seem to be what God had in mind, which is why God advocated in the New Testament that we do get help from the body!
Prayers for you,
Sheila.
Wow! I could have written those letters to you a year ago. Then I went and did some fairly destructive things in my marriage, which didn’t make things any better… When I read that email it made my heart ache for those women and for who I was a year ago. As I started to read more {on blogs like this one and many more} about what was happening in my marriage, I discovered how common this really is. I actually wrote a series on this called “Surviving a Mid-Wife Crisis” {http://www.onepartjoyonepartcircus.com/search/label/Surviving%20a%20Mid-Wife%20crisis}. Everything you said is so true. It’s probably not one-sided. But the good news…. you CAN turn it around. It just takes communication and some really intentional conversations. Great advice… hope you don’t mind if I shared my links here… 🙂
I too, have been hitting the bottom of our marriage, feeling it was loveless and wondering if this was it for the rest of my life.
From reading another blog, I found the book “The Surrendered Wife”, and I was stunned to see how much I felt like I was the author. It really made an impact on my *own* behavior, when I had been blaming all the problems on my husband. It has helped me tremendously in my attitude towards my husband, but I have a loooong way to go. I now have a surrendered wife partner, which helps tremendously share victories and weaknesses. We also put more of a Christian emphasis on our behavior, since it is a secular book (although I believe the author is Christian).
This may seem off topic but just stay with me for a minute. As I read these comments and stories of “loveless marriages” I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s really the marriage that is the issue or if’ there is something else. Shortly after my husband & I were married a friend recommended the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. It’s a beautiful, Christian book about how men are different than women, not just in marriage but in the people they are and in the needs that they have. It will help a wife understand her husband as well as a mom understand her sons. (It does have it’s critics.) I don’t know any of the commenters above but maybe it’s not the marriage that is making the husbands unhappy but something in him. When a husband comes home from work, checks the menu for supper, decided take-out is better, and watches tv till he falls asleep in the chair it’s easy for a wife to feel like she’s failed. (And easy for a wife to want to shout BIG JERK!) Maybe he’s so dissatisfied with his life outside of the marriage that he shuts down. Eldridge talks about a mans need for adventure, for something that makes his adreneline pump, for something to satisfy his soul. Ultimatly God is the only one who satisfies our deepest longings but maybe tied to the advice Sheila gives some of the advice Eldridge gives could nudge him in the right direciton and help improve his person selfworth & image which in turn will improve the marriage relationship as well.
I figured why I am so angry. He cheated on with a girl on my birthday. He took her to his Mothers and my brothers house. He also took her to his Dad’s death bed. He is controlling I am not allowed to visit friends or go out without him.
Hello-
I have been married to my husband for 25 years. Every year it seems more difficult to stay. My husband has always been an overbearing, dominant man- ” my way or the highway” kind of thinking…but I was so in love when we first met. He did nice things for me, send cards and flowers, u know the drill. After we got married, things began to change. As long as I did what he wanted, things were ok, but if I had an opinion, it would get ugly. He would constantly nit pick EVERYTHING. The house or car weren’t clean enough, I put things in the wrong place..whatever. The problem was, he changed his mind about what he wanted constantly, so you could never quite know what would set him off that day. He would scream and yell at me, curse at me, call me vulgar names and throw things( not AT me, but still). The only thing that was constant was his desire for sex. No matter how often I had sex with him, it was never enough. It became a vicious cycle. I would say no to sex, piss him off, so he would spend the next few days berating me for every perceived misdeed, until I apologized for being wrong( whether I was at fault or not, I was ALWAYS the one who had to admit the wrongdoing) and had sex. Then he would be nice until something else made him angry, and the cycle would begin again. He didn’t want me to go to college, he did that himself. He wanted to wait to have children, so I waited…17 years while he attended college and I worked 3 jobs to put him thru. He had an affair that he claimed wasn’t sexual, which I do not believe. But he said he loved her, and was prepared to leave. I begged him to stay, and we worked thru it, but I don’t really trust that he wouldn’t do it again if the chance arose. He spent many hours watching porn on TV & interenet, which I turned a blind eye to for a long time. He continued doing this for years, and if I complained too much about how he treated me, disobeyed or disagreed with him he would threaten to leave and take the kids.I was panicked he would . I longed to be held tenderly and given love without strings attached. The children have given me that unconditional love, so I no longer even seek it from him. I don’t think I love him anymore, and I am sure that I don’t like him. I hate when he is around. He complains constantly about everything: me, the kids, his job, traffic, anything. I am happiest when I spend time with my children. They are the only real joy in my life. 2 years ago, I confronted him about the porn, and told him I didn’t like it or him anymore. I told him if things didn’t change, I would be leaving. He denied the porn, which was a flat out lie, but he did seem to stop after that. However, he hasn’t changed his personality much. Since we waited so long for kids, our girls are still very young ( 7&4) so I hate to leave, since it would be hard on them. But by the same token, I don’t want my girls growing up thinking this is a way that a father/ husband should treat a women. I am miserable and depressed often, and dream of being with a man who loves, honors and respects me, and treats me as such. One who meets MY needs for a change instead of me always doing everything for him. Most of all, I am just tired. Tired of dealing with it all. Sorry for the long winded rant, but even if no one ever reads this…I have to tell someone. Please pray for me.
You should watch the movie Fireproof, and get you hands on a copy of The Love Dare. You are right though, in that the porn, name calling, throwing things, those are not things your precious children should be exposed to.
in the same soup.pray for me
Dear Friend,
I suggest you go to You Tube and watch The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. As I read some of the posts here it seems that some of the marriages may be in the destructive category. She will define that for you.
Ugh, this is a timely article! My stuffer (with his feelings) husband recently revealed he’s been “done” for months. Now he’s shut down and won’t even say I love you. I’ve got a lot to work on in my behaviors and how I handle stress, I’ve completely stopped blogging and am looking for a full time job outside of the home because we have virtually no income, and am trying to work on my walk with God. We’ve had so many life stresses: house, baby, finances, and my family has treated me poorly (as I did to them) so that stress got in the way of a lot of things. We’re in therapy but he says he is apathetic now and he’s close to being done. I’m all – what about for better or for worse?? Just praying his heart softens and that God changes me and guides me. It’s very hard. Prayers appreciated!
@Erin: dunno if you’ll read this, but y your biggest error is not confronting him and holding v your ground and getting counseling.
I actually recommend reading a book called ‘Your Personality Tree’ (b/c I get the feeling you are both similar personalities to my parents), the ‘The 5 Love Languages’, ‘Love & Respect’ and lastly ‘Boundaries’.
My mother lives a similar life to you, my dad was the same way, but you what is the one thing I am glad For?
That my parents stuck it out and didn’t divorce and guess what? Things did improve over time b/c my mom started keeping HEALTHY boundaries and started giving my dad REAL affection, and my dad did eventuality get a wake up call and mellow out.
It’s worse to start a legacy of divorce than to show your daughters you will take neglect. My mom suffered a lot, but it taught me that no matter what a marriage is wish more than hurt feelings.
And if I can be blunt, you have done just as much harm as him by being manipulative by with holding sex and now using your children as a crutch. Get over it, such it up and start surrendering yourself to God and looking outside your own needs b/c really, you’ll get yours met when you lay them down and start improving yourself and meeting your husband where he is at and getting counseling together.
He obviously cares about you or he wouldn’t have quit the porn, even though he denied looking at it, so you clearly mean more to him then porn.
I hope you read this and realize giving up isn’t worth it. I’ve Bern in your site, but I just look at my parents and remember it took them 40yrs to have a good marriage, and you know what even if it took me that long it would still be worth it, but thankfully it didn’t. So don’t leave, get Godly and biblically sibs counseling and stay in the fight and cling to God and your husband, not your children.
God Bless ~Amy
I am assuming the spouses are without addictions, narccistic tendencies, and a history of childhood abuse and emotional neglect (if only I had known these things before I married. It’s true–love is blind) . I have tried everything to “fix” my marriage–professional counseling (which my husband did not want to go to), face to face discussion with my husband, crying, pleading, even kindness… but until there is “team” effort and a common desire for the marriage to improve, it won’t. It takes two and A LOT COMMUNICATION,and I’ve basically been told it’s my problem by my husband. So, there you go… It’s stressful and emotionally wearing to want a fulfilling marriage and know that it is not possible, especially with someone who is truly not capable of understanding what a love filled marriage should be. Things were initially fine, until I realized it was me who was doing all the giving and getting all the heartache. I’ve pretty much given up….and have put things in God’s hands, and have stopped beating my head against a wall. However, it still hurts. Am trying to focus on empowering myself and changing myself per therapist recommendations, as I know my husband won’t and quite honestly, can’t. The only one who is disappointed in things is me. Why put expectations on a relationship knowing I will be the only one who will suffer?! So, I have no more expectations….
I’m just about in exactly the same position as you Tina J except it’s the other way around in our marriage. My wife doesn’t want to open up and have heart to heart discussions. She’s anorexic at 49 years old. Been this way for 18 mths. now. So focused on not getting fat that she has taken a “I don’t care what you think or what you want” attitude toward me.
I have tried to reach out to her after she withdrew emotionally from me to achieve her weight loss goals, but it made no difference. All I seemed to get was a Go away and leave me alone, attitude. So I did. I left her for 3 mths. and lived with my son and his family. That was 2 mths ago and nothing has changed since I’ve got back.
So I’m about done. I was tired of getting my heart hurt by her continual rejection. Plus I don’t want to feel her bones sticking out everywhere, so there’s no more physical intimacy. And being a guy, it has created other temptations I never used to have. She calls me shallow for not loving her unconditionally. But I’m a normal guy who wants his wife to look normal and have normal feminine curves. Not look 25 years older without any female sexiness anymore. Her attitude is also a turn off.
Any helpful advice would be appreciated, but I can’t see her changing apart from a God intervention, which is my only hope really.
We are Christians and believe divorce isn’t an option, but I dread living like this for the rest of our marriage.
My wife one day informed me that she does not want a relationship with me. My whole world tumbled and I dealt with anxiety and depression. She is a Christian woman but love and affection are components of a healthy marriage. I can’t wait till the kids grow up a bit more so I can file a divorce. Hindsight is 20/20 but I if I had do this over again I would not get married. A marriage can be a bowl of ripe cherries. When the years past with the stressors and hardships all you have left is a bowl of pits.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR FAMILY SAYS YOUR HUSBAND SLEPT WITH YOUR SISTER. I LOST ALL LOVE TRUST RESPECT FOR HIM. I AM IN DEPRESSION EVERYDAY OVER THIS. I RATHER BE ALONE AND DEPRESSED THAN HAVE TO WONDER DID THIS REALY HAPPEN .
I think you have to confront your husband. Right now it sounds like a rumour. You have to talk to both your husband and sister about this, and then prayerfully consider what to do next. Hopefully this post will help: Discovering your husband is having an affair. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
My husband and I met when we were teenagers and both of us were not saved. We dated briefly in 8th grade. But didn’t start dating again til he was 18 and I was 17, almost 18. The first time we dated he was sweet and I was a partier. So when we dated the second time thats what we thought we were getting. I thought “yay” the sweet guy and he thought “yes” the partier! But we both had changed. I was no longer the party person but he was. And he was not longer the same sweet guy he was before. Like I said we weren’t saved yet and got pregnant 3 months into the relationship and had our first daughter. We both admit we would not be together if it wasn’t for her. We both came from divorced homes and didnt want to do that to her. 3 months after she was born we got pregnant with next child and came to know the Lord through a crisis pregnancy center. During this time my husband never pursued sex with me and never acted interested. There was many nights I went to bed crying. I once caught him masturbating to a hardly dressed woman dancing on regular t.v. it was not porn. It devastated me. Because I was perusing him in that way. And he was always to tired etc. So about that tome we stopped saying “love you” to eachother and we started French kissing maybe once a year and it was awkward. No intimacy in our marriage at all. Still had sex but with no kissing etc. But I was just happy to be having sex! It was lacking intimacy but I would take that over nothing. I knew from dating that my husband grew up around porn and that it was out in the open in his house as a teen. But he didn’t seem like it did anything to him and it was no big thing. I think I was more interested to see it as a teen dating than him (before Christ of course). So I knew about that, but as far as I knew he wasn’t going to it. Now idk…I did find porn in his belongings about 3 different times over the years. He claimed to be sorry and wouldn’t do it again type thing. It was devastating to me each time it happened because I like sex and wanted it with him. In early 2012 I found something had been searched on my phone and I just lost it. I had just given birth to our now 8th baby and couldn’t believe it. He was “very sorry” and says. He said he heard two guys talking at a gas station about a name of a sexual act and was curious if it was something we were doing. And that he never clicked on a site. He stopped himself. But I also have filtering on my phone so he could have just not been able to see it. Idk there has been lies all throughout the marriage. About dumb stuff and serious stuff like the porn. I never know what is true and what is not. Last May (almost a year ago) I found a porn DVD in his truck. Just 3 days before I asked him how things were going and if he was behaving. He said “yep” he hadn’t seen anything. Then I found that dvd. He says he never watched it. That he found it at the gas station bathroom and he took it instead of leaving it. He said he had no intentions of watching it and doesn’t know why he grabbed it but he did. He said that he will sometimes get curious if porn has changed over the years since he was around it as a teen. And if he comes acrossed porn he just makes the dumb choice of looking out if curiosity to see if it has changed. But after this last May I lost it and started smoking again after 15 and a half years of not smoking. 🙁 he had always struggled with smoking over the years and I knew that but did not grill him over it. He was trying not to but he said he would go months at a time without it but he recently came clean he was only going at most a week at a time. All these years I had no idea. So it then became a battle for both of us again. I also went on a little drinking binge to numb the pain. (This was last year I am not drinking now and no longer smoking) but that is how devastating it was to me. It did help me to see that Christ had He been number one in my life I might not have fallen so hard. But I did. Since then things got alot better we started kissing regularly again like when we were dating and saying “I love you” again. But I was still smoking and whenever thinks bothered me or fear doubt cripped in I coukd go have a cigarette to calm my nerves. I know not right. But this past year I have been just trying to survive. 5 and a half weeks ago I quit smoking and everything changed I felt like I had to completely pull away from our marriage so I won’t get hurt again. Almost like a survival mode. My stress level has been enormous to the point my body is doing weird things and drs say it is from stress. And my once favorite stress relief (sex) has now become the source of my stress. My self esteem is gone! I have birthed 8 kids I can’t compete with porn. And can’t bare the thought that my husband would even want to look at it. I am ready to be done with the marriage as painfully as it would be because I can’t keep living this way. I need to be strong for our kids. Also I did catch our teenage son looking at porn since all this which devastating me even more so. I had filters on that he bypassed finding out on of my passwords. This last year has been too much. We did go to our pastor for all the issues and he pretty much asked my husband “do you think you have a problem”?…and kinda since it is not all the time it is like a slip up kind of thing. But with all the lies idk what is true and not. And as far as our son he said boys will be boys. They are curious. Love him. Let him know its wrong but don’t condemn him. Butwith everything I am tired and ccan’t do it any longer. Idk if that constitutes grounds for leaving but if not I feel traps too like some of these other women. Because I wanna do whats right but i don’t feel like I can ever trust him again after this last time. It is always when I think things are good between us to that the porn comes up. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Also he has been on the couch for the last few weeks and we are hardly talking. Sorry so long.
Hi Sheila,
My husband and I were married last September and just a few weeks ago we both mentioned divorce. Needless to say I was heartbroken. This is his second marriage and he comes from a divorced family. His father has been married 3 times. I love him very much and i don’t want a divorce but he seems to think its ok. I always think back to our beautiful wedding and the vows we made to each other and I really believe in them. We have been fighting so much lately about so many things. We’ve had some work done to our new home and everything was done without my knowledge or input. I feel that he is being a little unfair and when i try to talk to him about us first perhaps discussing plans he tells me how we need all these things and to shut up about it. Another issue is his extreme messiness. I like to keep a tidy home and I don’t even ask he clean just put his things away. He won’t even do that. We bought this big house and all i do is pick up after him after working all day and taking care of our 2 puppies and making meals. It’s becoming difficult and frustrating not to mention disgusting. Today I came home and there was take out sitting on the table, pop cans and his clothes everywhere after I cleaned all evening the night before. It makes me feel that he doesn’t value what I do and doesn’t have respect for our home. He is very quiet around me. Some evenings we won’t even talk to each other. Like zero conversation. He does however talk on his phone all the time and watch tv. This kills me. Sometimes he comes home and doesn’t even give me so much as a hello. It’s so hurtful and I feel totally unloved. We just fight about so many things. He calls dinner crap and won’t eat. But I’m tired somedays and I don’t have the energy to make a big elaborate meal. Needless to say, he chooses to sleep on the couch every night. Even if we don’t argue, he won’t come to bed. He’ll make me have sex with him at odd times. It’s not intimate it’s very awkward. I give him little kisses and hugs most days but he doesn’t reciprocate. He actually pushes me away and says he’s tired or busy. My dad passed away last year and I’m still really sad about it. When I am upset he tells me to stop. There is no comfort or love. I feel bad when I am sad so I try to hide it and cry when he is not home. We have been trying for a baby but it’s not working out. Maybe this is why he is so mad at me. His previous girlfriends used to wear a lot of make up all the time and always get dressed up. I do my best to look nice but since the wedding I have gained 10lbs. I know it’s not that much but maybe the attraction has disappeared. I am so hurt and feel so alone in this marriage that I don’t know what to do. I am too ashamed to talked to my friends and family about it. I don’t want a divorce I just want to be happy and for him to be happy. When I ask ‘is everything ok honey’ he says yes and that seems to be the end of it. I’m so sad and I just want to be a normal family. I suggested we see a therapist but he declined. What should I do? I feel like I can’t even cry anymore.
Please help 🙁
This is exactly what I’m going through . What really hit home for me was when one of the women mentioned that her husband wasn’t even affectionate when she asked for a hug or anything and this was me .
We are not married but have two kids . 5yrs old and 6 months old so we are a couple however this is the reason why I haven’t been eager for marriage in the first place .this past week we argued about my beautiful best friend. She is thin, toned , beautiful , chatty , smart , outgoing, rich and a stay at home mom who seems to be perfect in every way .
Recently I’ve noticed that out of all my friends she is the only one he likes and got mad at me when I mentioned how she flirts . Some people seem to have the need to flirt to make themselves feel better I guess and she seems to be just that way . Don’t get me wrong , she is my friend and I love her , she is a really good friend and has supported me through my recent surgery with my last baby’s medical struggles , but I’m very jealous ( there , I said it ) of how happy he seems with her , not to mention she has told me more than 4 times now , how good looking he is IN FRONT OF HIM! She is in a happy marriage with two kids but it just bothers me how I feel with both together and now I’m starting to think its his LACK OF LOVE AND AFFECTION that makes it worse . He thinks I’m crazy and says nothing would ever happen anyway because she is married and we are a couple to which I asked ” I would have preferred you told me it would never happen because YOU LOVE ME OR AT LEAST LIKE ME”! I started to cry at that point and he never even hugged me … I’m so upset 🙁
Hi Sheila, I have been married to a man for over 25 years, whom I never loved. We basically, don’t have a healthy sex life, which has made me very depressed over the years. He is a good man and tries really hard to make me happy and I have tried really hard to make myself love him. But, the main problem is I have never found him attractive, no matter what he does or what I do. We have 2 kids and they both have social issues, which I am sure the result of our un-healthy relationship. My 14 year old daughter wants me to seek help and she wants to see both of us happy; but I am very afraid and confused. I need help 🙁
Wives can be uncooperative, unsupportive, unloving and hostile too!!
We have been married for 30 years, well at least on paper. In reality there is very little unity between the two of us now. We tend to live separate lives and merely return home at the end of the day. Every attempt of mine to build unity in the family,(we are parents of 2,) and indeed in our marriage gets nowhere. How can there be unity when One party doesn’t communicate, doesn’t initiate, and responds to such efforts of mine in hostility, accusation and withdrawal. It makes for an impossible state of affairs. ‘HOW CAN TWO WALK TOGETHER UNLESS THERE BE AGREEMENT’ .
I continually ask what the reasons are, but get NOTHING back by way of reason, explanation or indeed acknowledgement to my enquiries. When she does speak, it is to hurl more and more blame at me, and Never acknowledging any misgivings on her part. I mean NEVER.
As Christian’s, our walk should be better. If we really are Christians, that is. We are supposed to be the most loving, forgiving and amiable of individuals, however, Christianity lived through the perspective of the soul, rather than the spirit is a contradiction to the name of Christ.
As the appointed spiritual covering of the marriage and the family, my effectiveness is nullified if my ‘wife’ wont walk in agreement. I am not referring to downtrodden submission, ( I hate that also) but having a mutual vision for our lives, marriage and family. How can it work? After 30 years it would be evident that it just isn’t going to.
We have gone through books, spoken with our church leadership, had Christian based counselling, confided in good friends, shared scriptures, prayed. Alll of which seem good for the moment, however things soon slip back to usual.
I am really now out of ideas, patience, and probably, out of love, due to the utter disappointment that my life with her has become.
The primary reason for holding on for so long is because I really don’t want to dishonour my vows before God. I know God hates divorce, but all I can see now is either final separation or a miserable life together with her. Between a rock and hard place or what!!!
Hello
Yes, your wife just happens to be me in my home. I just very recently realized that I have to bow into my inner core and seek the help my husband and I so desperately need. I’ve been with him since I was 16 and now 45 and as far back as I remember I’ve blamed him for everything. I need to take my ownership, then maybe my life will finally be free of pain and blame. It will be a scary scary place to discover and Im terrified to go deep inside but I know Im ready. So, all I can say is until she and only she decides to dig deep and surrender it will not change. You too have to make that dreadful decision as to carry on being miserable, stay for the kids, stay for god. That must be the toughest thing. I will tell you we have 2 children, 26 and 10. The older one is out of home and the youngest did say to me that she thinks it would be better if her father and I lived apart. She has expressed that it hurts her so sadly when we argue. Not to mention what we are instilling in her around relationships. I would suggest just “you” go talk to a professional about not saving your marriage but how you will cope with the decision to divorce. Ive never had the lord in my life, but do appreciate people that follow spirituality.
I hope you find an answer, I wish you all the best.
Yes, The bIble says ..God hates divorce.. But, as I read in some time ago..God doesn’t hate divorced people. God will help us no matter what out life has dealt us.
I have to say at times like this it feels like when I followed advice like this last I made the wrong decision. We’ve been together ten years and I dont feel like I’ve ever really been happy. I stayed with her because I felt bad about leaving her. Dragging it out ten years and feeling hurt again really doesnt make it better. I dont feel loved or wanted. I feel like shes not being honest with me about it either. Think twice before you commit to throwing away any chance of happiness.
I sincerely hope you’ve left by now, but I hear this argument all the time from people in broken relationships: ‘I stayed because I felt bad about leaving’. If people are honest with themselves that isn’t the real reason you stayed. It’s either that you have such a huge ego and think you are so perfect that you truly believe your partner cannot possibly survive without you or find anyone else as worthy. OR you are just scared of leaving and justify staying with the excuse that you are doing your partner a big favour. Usually, it’s a combination of both.
Your husband/wife is not a pathetic little child and you are not some grandiose superhero figure that can save them from the real world. They will get over the relationship and move on. Especially women, who tend to have bigger/deeper support networks to fall back on. White knighting your wife is clearly making you both miserable when there are billions of other humans out there.
If you have children, then I sympathise and would be far more inclined to suggest trying to make the best of the situation for now (at least until the kids are old enough to better understand things). But if there are only two of you to consider and the relationship is being held together with fear and depression, then for goodness sake let her go and find someone better suited.
A marriage is supposed to be the base for everything else in your life. If it’s causing so much misery, then chances are the other areas of your life are infected as well.
My wife and I met in 2001, it was love at first sight. We were the couple that all of our friends wanted to be. We laughed, we played, and we had great sex. About a year later we decided to move in together, and a couple of years after that we were married. We now have two beautiful daughters together, but there no longer feels like there is an “us” anymore. We both have good jobs, make a good living, and have little debt. Somewhere along the line we lost each other, and I know we both feel each other slipping away, even though we are afraid to admit it. Many of the things that you have said in your article are true for me, a man, that only wants to feel something other than the emptiness. For the last four years I have felt like a single parent, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids by myself. I find that I am easily agitated by the little things anymore, like when my wife leaves the table after supper and leaves her dishes for me to clean up, after I had prepared the meal. I find myself thinking that I hate her. We don’t talk anymore, other than the courtesy “how was your day.” We rarely have sex, which I of course resent even though I rarely attempt to initiate anymore. I no longer have any friends, unless you consider co-workers friends, all were discarded years ago because my wife does not trust me. I have no contact with anyone outside of work or picking up the kids at daycare. I live two seperate lives, the one at home, and the guy that jokes around and talks to people at work. I have thoughts of leaving my wife, engaging in an affair, or just ending my life. The last option I can’t do because my children need me. My best “friends” at work, one guy and one girl, encourage me to get a divorce or have an affair. I feel that if the opportunity arose I would cheat on my wife, something that I have never done before. I know that this makes me a coward, or a jerk, or whatever anyone else would want to call me. I used to be a good person, but now I feel like an empty shell walking in the darkness, and I’m scared.
John you still are a good person. I am going through the same thing, and sometimes good people do things that aren’t good. This thing called life, is hard… Marriage is hard…
I have been married almost 12 years.
I am sad, miserable and hurt…
It started off with us being so happy… I couldn’t see myself without him. 7.5 years in, I felt like a resentment. He stopped touching me, loving me and talking to me. Like he curled up and went into a shell.. I tried fixing myself, doing things to change myself, until I realized it wasn’t me. I told him I was lonely, and he just stared at me. Since I can be honest, I felt like garbage… Like nothing.. I couldn’t even turn to my spouse. I didn’t know what to do.. years later, nothing much has changed.. we have gone 10 months with no sex, then 8 months no sex… right now we are on another bout of no sex and I just feel, he is taking me for granted. How long do you expect your spouse, who is a horny woman, to go without sex? Or does he care? I want the basics, love, appreciation and a date here and there. What happened? I am going to school and trying to get out of this marriage soon enough, staying for the kids for now, I don’t foresee any flames coming back to this marriage…
My wedding was arranged. since my first day of wedding i never felt like i am loved for what i am. The most comments i got when i tired to talk to him was initially don disturb me. But i found he loves spending time with my parents. I could realize he spoke to me happily when they spoke to him happily. If they do something he doesn’t like he becomes hostile to me. I am pretty sure i am not imagining. right now he is in different country. After long time of 6 months he got me tourist visa, came home(online) early than usual. I was so happy, thought he might have came because finally we are gonna live together for sometime. He attended my call, asked y did i call him, then said he needs to go out and asked me to cut. i did not cut n was just sitting idly without talking to him. He did not go anywhere. He is just being home and cooking. then from the way he spoke i learned he has called my parents and there was some friction. its been only 6 months since my wedding and it has been this way all the time. now i don know what should i do. i tried to talk to my parents and told them to adjust him for my sake. But they say they have their freedom and can’t adjust for him. I am left with more sorrows and don know what to do.
Help me if you can please
I am so sorry you’re going through this, but I just don’t have any experience with arranged marriages, and I don’t know what to tell you. I will say a prayer that you will find a way to build a life together, but I will also ask that if you ever feel in danger, please seek out a women’s organization that can help you. Again, I’m so sorry.
I am in a loveless marriage of 7 years. My husband and I did not have love or any feelings for one another, but my husband has been dutiful but I cannot give what I haven’t got. We are miserable even though we have tried everything. We stay together because we cannot tell our children what we have done. I both have made a decision now to depart as this could be the kindest thing we can do for one another. We don’t believe in divorce as Christians, but separation I am at peace with. I feel the pain in each of the stories, and one has to learn to change and give to the other partner but in our situation there was nothing, our marriage was built on sand and deception.
It hurts so bad. How did I get here? My husband, after only a month into our marriage started acting strange towards me. He has been treating me really badly. He shows no affection towards me, and I feel he derives pleasure in seeing me hurt.
I married my husband in April of this year, and found out that he is still in love with his ex girlfriend whom he has a daughter with. How do I stay in a marriage when he doesn’t love me.
We have no children together. I feel like a third wheel, and deep down I think he regrets marrying me. When we have any type of disagreement or argument, no matter how small, he tells me maybe we should go our separate ways. But I want my marriage to work (I promised myself that If I ever got married again I will do what ever it takes to make it work). And so, I always have to be the one to beg for forgiveness even when I did nothing wrong.
I came across text messages he sent to his ex only a few weeks back, in it, he was practically begging her to marry him (even though we are married). He is giving her the impression that he is still single. When I asked him about the messages, he didn’t deny being in love with her. I asked him to make a choice once and for all, and he said he wanted to stay married to me. But how can I ever trust him again? I want love and security. I don’t have either of those now. What’s the guarantee he won’t dump me the moment his ex agrees to take him back? And he still refuses to inform her that he is married. They see each other weekly because he picks up his little girl on the weekends. I’m in a big mess, please give me an honest opinion. I just don’t see any future with him any more.
That’s a really tough one. It’s certainly wrong for him to be in a marriage where he’s sending love texts to another woman. He definitely needs to make a choice.
At the same time, that other woman is the mother of his child, and for that child’s sake, he likely should have gotten together with that woman.
Shelia, Just a thought…good recommendations for books but, boundaries doesn’t change anyone’s heart..It sounds very much like this man’s heart is with the ex…
No, they certainly don’t change anybody’s heart. But they do make it more obvious where that heart is, so that you can make a clear decision. Sometimes that’s the best gift you can get–the ability to see with clear eyes.
I am in a similar situation but somewhat different.my husband bever comoliments n
me,never aopreciates anything i do infact since he is the bread winner everything has to be the way he wants no acknowledgenent if the fact that i am a human too and like different things.
i am not allowed to think for myself i have to do what he says.the only time he ever talks to me is to tell me to get him this or that or to shout at me because of his dogs n cats whivh he really doesnt care about or care for except provide the money for their food.
we live in his mothers house and though i try my best to look after her house he always messes things up by letting either his cats n dogs ruin his mothers things.now ge doesnt understand that this comes down on me as deffinitely his mother will blame me, but he doesnt see it that way he simply says tell my mother to talk to me which she will never do and he knows that.
he shows n
me no affection and the only time he will have sex with me is when he is drunk.
i did try several times but in vain to show him affection and initiate sex but he alwsys had something or the other more important.
i really want to leave but this is my second marriage and i cant go back home.
Every blog post I have read it’s the woman that has to take the first step, it’s. The woman that has to start showing kindness. It’s always the women looking up thses blog post. When will the man ever step up and say hey, I think we are in a bad state, let’s fix this. Why? Why is it always up to me to fix our marriage? Why is always me that has to put forth effort? I have to cook, clean , raise children , work, laundry, be affectionate, kind , caring , loving , having sex, and then have to deal with him because hes unhappy? Men need adventure to get there adrenalin going? Men has all the freedom, they go hunting and fishing , and whatever else they do. Where the hell is my adventure? Where the hell is my love, affection, and kindness?? I am so tired of seeing that it’s up to me to take the first step. It’s Always up to me.
Hi there! I don’t think that it is the woman who needs to take the first step, but I’m writing this for women who need something practical to do. For more on this, you can see this post which goes into greater detail.
I am not really sure what to do. I love my husband, we met spontaneously and he makes me laugh and can be romantic. He tries to do little things like bring me coffee and serve me dinner. But since we got married he stopped working. He was working for his bother and at the time he brother was not paying him all his pay and shorting him. He had low self esteem about it so I said you don’t have to work for him and I made good money. At the time, I did not care he was not working but within the 7 yeas we have been married I have had to work 3 fulltime jobs (clerical jobs) and I asked him to pick up a job. He claims he can’t find work at all. He is only 36 and claims he is too old for anyone to hire him. I had to endure his family living with me and then finally they moved and I was supporting them too. He still won’t work. After a surgery several years ago he had an addiction to pain meds. He has signed my name to checks from my account, I had to deactivate the debit card so he would not draw out money and every time I mention him working, it turns into a fight. We don’t have sex often and I told him I want to have a baby and he says he does but claims I am too short tempered and need to change that. I am only mad and upset with him because I want a partner not someone to support. I feel like I am being used sometimes. I love him and he says he loves me but I am afraid I am just being a fool. I get so mad at him and I become someone I don’t want to be. What should I do.
Hi there, it really sounds like you are being taken advantage of, and this isn’t good for you–but it also isn’t good for your husband. Being responsible and working for a living is an important part of the Christian walk, and if he won’t do that, he’ll never grow as a person. I’d suggest reading this post about being a spouse, not an enabler, and then reading this post about what to do if your husband won’t get a job. I hope those help!
I’ve been married for 5 years and pretty much from the beginning – it’s been a disaster. He’s a good man but completely unaffectionate – we’ve gone up to a year without sex and months without so much as a peck. We had sex twice on our honeymoon. I’m so confused because this is not the man I thought I was marrying – we were together for almost 2 years before we got married. I have begged, pleaded, threatened, cried for affection – to be held, touched, told I love you. I used to try and initiate things in the first year but after being rejected on more than one occasion, I finally gave up. He says he knows there’s a problem but doesn’t know what it is. Promises to try but never does…Over the years, it’s been me pushing to fix the relationship and I finally figured out it’s because I’m the only one who is unhappy with the situation. He could quite happily co-exist in this marriage with no intimacy, love or affection for the rest of our lives while I feel like I’m dying inside. I need to be told I love you, need to be touched, have my hand held and my cheek stroked…to feel like I’m important and more than just the mother of his children. I feel trapped – as a stay at home mum with 2 kids. I’ve brought up divorce but he’s not interested but I hate feeling like this. I’ve been praying but I feel so hopeless and helpless. He’s content with the way things are so he’s not going to change and it’s not going to get better. I don’t know if I love him anymore – it’s all buried under anger, bitterness and frustration but at the same time I don’t want to break up the family for “selfish” reasons…I am so desperate for a change or a way out…I need help…I need someone to please help me….
Lade, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and it really does sound like your husband has some pretty serious issues that absolutely need to be dealt with. I’d recommend reading this post on whether you’re a spouse or an enabler, and how to make sure that you don’t enable sin, immaturity, or brokenness. I hope that helps!
Hi Lade,
My story is very similar to yours, except that I have been married for 15 years. Last year I finally figured him out – he is passive aggressive. This disorder is now part of his personality and he will never change. Once I knew why he behaved the way he did towards me, I stopped blaming myself and stopped getting angry and pleading with him to change. I have accepted that I have two choices – get out of the marriage (which for many reasons I don’t want to do right now), or accept that this is how my marriage will be and learn to live with it. I know this may not help you, but I thought it was worth mentioning in case your husband has a personality disorder which is beyond both your and his control. I wish you all the best.
My heart hurts for the women here. I know that place , the point of desperation. The point where you have done everything “right”, you’ve grown and accepted your spouse but start living separate lives under the same roof. I’m there, I’m continuing to learn how to let him take responsibility for himself and our family, but even then there’s backlash. It all gets so tiring being a married “single parent”. I reached a new place, complete distance emotionally & physically, I don’t know whether I should be relieved or saddened. I realized this after my husband hit a new low or maybe I just found out about it this time, he stole money from our son and when I attempted to talk to him about it, he became defensive (typical). I continued to hold him responsible until he paid it back and for a week his story changed of why he couldn’t pay it back and what it was spent on and frankly I didn’t care. I was more concerned w/ getting it back to the rightful owner. He gave me attitude all week and I didn’t care, at first I suspected I had PMS but thats come & gone and I still don’t care if there’s no affection, interest, attention, etc. I did feel a bit bad when I know he was making an attempt, in his own way, to apologize and I ignored it. I’m no longer interested in making him feel better. I’m just wondering how do all these women handle their sexual desires? I have them just don’t know what to do with them. If I choose to stay, I’m going to need a plan for handling times I want to have sexand obviously don’t have anyone with whom I can have sex. Any suggestions? Just wear myself out at the gym?
I’m the bad guy
I’m not happy bec I rushed to marry a man I know I don’t love
I’m punishing him for my mistake he is not my type looks or character or style nothing about him I liked
Only the fact that he was ready to get married
I’m so mad at him for pushing himself on me
I’m so mad at myself for accepting to marry him in 6 month
I was running away from a life I couldn’t handle anymore
From a broken heart
From a job I was getting to old for
He was an easy escape
But I regret it everyday
Should I leave
Although we have s baby now and I have no where to go , I feel so stuck
He is good to me
He is a good man
But I wanted more , I wanted love and affection , I wanted someone superior to me intellectually , physically and sexually
I feel I’m so sad , and bored , dying everyday , faking every smile
Sometimes I feel I got used to my life and that now I love him
But then I see a kiss on s movie or a friend who is excited to prepare anything for her husband
I realize how sad I am
I push him and I feel bad he can feel I need more , I’m used to more , money looks experience , I know I sound greedy and silly
But that’s how I feel , I’m sure if I loved him I wouldn’t care how he looks or how much money he has
I hate myself for being mad at the one man who were straightforward with me who didn’t play games
Many days I act well and he is happy but sometimes I know he knows I’m not satisfied and we fight a lot and I even ask for divorce but I’m not even sure that what I want
I hate to stay stuck in a life I hate bec I’m scared where to go or what to do
What should I do
Hi Melissa,
I can see that you feel really trapped, like you really made a mistake.
Can I say something, though? No matter your reasons, you made a vow to this man and to your child, and now you are punishing them because you are refusing to really commit to the marriage. It sounds like you totally resent him, and I know that must be affecting him and your child.
Your marriage will NEVER get better while you are entertaining these feelings. In fact, these feelings are likely the main part of your problem. If you instead looked for things to be grateful for, looked for ways to laugh together, looked for fun things you could do together, and practiced saying nice things to him you may find that your marriage turned around.
It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad guy; it just sounds like you don’t think he’s “the one”. But you’ve already been in other destructive relationships; research says that if you blow this one up you’re likely to repeat the pattern. NO ONE is ever perfect for you. NO ONE can complete you. NO ONE is perfectly romantic. Good marriages are built because we decide to commit, we decide to love, and we decide to throw ourselves into it. It sounds like you’ve never made that decision, so no wonder your marriage is a mess.
Look, your feelings are real–but that doesn’t mean they can’t change. People change their feelings everyday! And feelings are changed by our actions. When you choose to love, and choose to do nice things, and choose to look for the good, then you start thinking about the good.
You owe it to your husband and your baby to try. Otherwise you really are just being selfish, and you’re increasing the amount of pain in this world. You really can be happy. Your feelings don’t need to stay. Just decide to love! Honestly.
I think that is really great advice!! The only thing that doesn’t apply to me was my husband wasn’t very affectionate before I married him. We were friends first and we always had a great time together going places and hanging out. When it became sexual then it changed! He started agruements and wouldn’t return my calls n such. From what I gathered he wasn’t ever in a long term relationship but he says his mother wasn’t very loving, he doesnt know any different. His family pushed him away from place to place until his grandparents house. I felt sorry for him and wanted to shower him with Love but he Rejected it with vigor! By the time it was more than friends I loved him so much so I just kept trying n trying. It became only at night he would be loving but it was sexual not intimate! Thia went on for months until…Flash forward- I became pregnant and we ended up getting married when I was 6months. I know I was big n stuff but there was no love making or kissing at all! Its been almost a year n half after we married and im just so down I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere, I mostly just stay home with my baby. He does tell me he doesn’t think U love him but I ask how when I do everything for him and always want to spend time with him. He says Im lieing and don’t do everything! I ask for examples but he cant think of any at the time! ~It bothers him when I go touch him he will pull away or say im gonna smoke a cigarette or go to the bathroom or tired! Any exuse to resist my affection. I’ll try being extra kind for a month and see if anything changes, hopefully I see improvement in our life
My husband has overdrawn our account several times in the past. I have literally started a new account without his name on it. He is now writing checks off my account and signing my name to them to himself. I told him I don’t want him to do that because I feel like it is a betrayal to me. He says he is sorry but does it again the next month. Then I get mad and we argue and I forgive him and he does it again. He said that a husband is allowed to sign his wife’s name but I said I don’t want him doing it. He says it was an emergery because I was sick or it was a holiday but it is every month. I don’t know what to do anymore. I forgive him and he does it again because he expects me to forgive and if I don’t forgive him, we divorce. He said he wants to be the husband or the man of the relationship but he does this and he doesn’t even work and I give him $500.00 biweekly. I feel like I am being a fool?
This all. Sounds like my marriage but I’m the one that gets no affection and all I want is to be. Loved by my wife that says she is no longer in Love with. Me
I’m the husband.love your perspective you look from two objectives not only one!i wish my wife read this article…I totally agree with your solutions!loved it
I really thought this article was thorough and an article that I can relate to.
Though, I was curious about if the roles were reversed. The female seems to be hurt from the males actions, but what about if I, as a male, was the one feeling unloved, not cared about, and the one only wanting to salvage this marriage.
I have been married to my wife for 9 years. We were wed at a young age, and conceived when we were only in our teenage years. I do love her (but I feel I am not IN love with her), and yes, it was my fault for her negative feelings and hatred/lack of kindness towards me, but does it justify any reasoning for her to show emotional distance, constructive abandonment, or threats of “finding someone better” mentality. My wife believes that she has been un-happily married for at least 3 years – ever since I was emotionally-attached to a girl from my college days.
I will never give up on what we have with my wife, until her words become actions.
I currently see a psychiatrist, and find self-help through online web pages, but will this suffice, or will this be an emotional death, that will be with me until my final breath.
We have a 9 year old child, and to see my wife not want to work out problems, I am worried that my child will believe its okay to “give up”, to not resolve issues, and that it is easier to run away from problems, versus working together. I find this to be really sad, and hurtful, and I do not wish that on any of my offspring.
Once again, I just hope that we can resolve this dire issue, as it seems to be out of control. I seem more distant with her now, because whenever I try to communicate with her, her emotional distance towards me, I find to find very hard to break through. My daughter sees this, and I feel it is unhealthy for everyone – it effects my family, and I’m sure my wife’s family see’s this as something to worry about.
***I do love you Claudia, I have always loved you – and I won’t give up, until you first walk out that door ***
All of this may be true for those marriages where there is just a lot of miscommunication or no communication, but I felt the need to speak up for smtg you only briefly and barely touched on. I am in an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I was a young single mother when I married him and we fought often, but growing up in an extremely controlling dysfunctional family, this was the norm. And I also was so controlled by my mother I DESPERATELY feared calling off the wedding even though I felt smtg was very wrong. Big mistake. It started mostly with unbelievable control, what I spent, who I spoke to, not speaking to me for days if I did anything he perceived wrong. There were fights, and rarely, but sometimes, the became physical. I tried everything, and since he was a believer and had seen his father abuse his mother I just hoped it would change and that everything would be ok. Then we had our first son, and things got worse, especially when I developed many health problems. He made me feel bad for the $ we spent at every Dr appt. To compensate (even though I already had to justify every purchase I made anyway) he took me completely off the bank account, acting like I was putting us into bankruptcy, which I wasn’t, but he LOVED the control of me having to beg for milk money and demanding receipts. I’ve had no access to money for YEARS, leaving me truly trapped. He tries to make me look bad to whomever he can, my family (often going there without me and not telling me anything said), any friends I had left, his family….we have gone to two pastors for counseling and one Christian counselor, but if they dare call him out or try to help him with HIS issues that is always the last visit. I haven’t spoken to him in the eight years we’ve been married without him either a-ignoring me, b-laughing at me, c-leaving/hanging up, d-yelling over me bringing up anything he can to make me look or feel bad, e-sighing/rolling eyes/interrupting….but it’s usually a couple of those mixed up. I feel trapped. I am trapped and if I didn’t adore my kids, I’d leave, consequences be darned….which btw, they pray nightly that “daddy will be nice, especially to mommy”, & NO I do NOT talk badly about him to them, that would be awful, but they are not blind. It isn’t often but it has become physical sometimes, the worst probably when (in front of screaming kids) he pushed me out of moving car and nearly ran me over, but just as with EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING, he either flatly denies it, or won’t respond with a smirk acting like I’m crazy or smtg. All this said, he says hee believes in God/Jesus/Spirit and he sure can act nice to others so I’m hoping and praying God will change him or get me out of this somehow. If anyone happens to read this, please pray for me. I have tried EVERYTHING, and strangely sometimes it seems the more I do anything I think will make him happy, the worse things get and I’m just left empty. Please pray for me, and if you read this, please remember that your advice works for healthy men, not abuse manipulative men who come from a long line of the same. He laughs at truth, no matter from whom. He is truly unable to be pleased (though he swears that if I did what I was supposed to, he’d be able to ‘help’ me, because he has nothing to change and I’m lucky to have a perfect husband like him because if I’d do what I’m told and act right, he could help me) btw, that doesn’t work, like I said I’ve tried that often, once for months and months and the abuse got far worse and more frequently violent. I know there’s a good man in there, there was in the beginning of dating for the most part, and ppl who work for him and his customers (& even some of my family) think he’s the nicest man they’ve ever met. Help me Lord Jesus!!!! He is Mighty to save, and NOTHING is impossible for Him. I just need wisdom to hear and follow Jesus on this, and HIS peace and love for me and my beautiful children!!!
So what if for the last 10years you have tried everything that you have described with no results? I am one of the few that have that antisocial mate. We’ve been together for 25 years. In the beginning I’m not even sure it was love. Infatuation maybe. Our “likes” we’re that we had one thing in common. And that one thing has been gone for years. He is not a Christian and I’ve been a Christian for the last 16 years. I’ve done everything to help him get the help that he needs to no avail. I’m completely miserable, alone, and feel invisible. I just want to cut my losses and leave. There is so much more to this but this is the cliff notes version. The marriage is gone. It’s a roommate status thing now and I’m tired of living like this. So, any advice for me?
I understand but , what do you do , if she is ANGRY FOR 4 MONTH TO 5 WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU, LEAVING THE SAME HOUSE, TOGETHER,NOT INVOLVING YOU TO HER PLAN ,DECISION,HOW TO DEAL WTH IT ,ITS KILLING ME ,
I am out of town visiting my daughter and grand daughter, I called my wife last night, at her request, and she told me she was talking to her mother and she would call me back. Instead she went to her sisters and had a bottle of wine with her and never called me. I finally reached her and hour later, I told her how worried I was and she said she forgot to call me. This is a pattern with her and I am tired of it. She tells everyone how much she loves me, yet her actions don’t follow suit.
When I talked to her about it she said that we should be happy and forget about it as I am with my daughter and she was with her sister.
I have no response to that……..any thoughts?
My husband has said many times that I don’t love him or give him enough affection. Early in our marriage and many years into our marriage I did all that I could to show him love. I was wholly commited to be a good wife, including sex almost every day. He has always told me that I am beautiful and that he loves me. However, there were things he did that really bothered me. I couldn’t walk past him without him grabbing at me. If I went to shower or change my clothes, he would always appear. I would go out of my way to avoid him just so I wouldn’t be grabbed. We couldn’t do anything together without sex coming up. Any time we were close I felt he avoided most of body, except the parts he wanted to touch. I began to feel used, and although he was affectionate verbally and physically, my intimacy needs were not being met. I just didn’t feel cared for emotionally. Any time I didn’t have sex with him he would act like I punched him in the face. I often caved in just to be done with it. I had tried many times how I felt,and maybe there would be change, but they were short lived. In addition to this major issue, he would give me a hard time about anything I enjoyed doing that didn’t involve him. Such as, reading, crocheting, and taking dance classes. He wouldn’t get angry or yell, but he would act like he was so hurt, and I would feel guilty even though I really didn’t have a valid reason to. Also, he wouldn’t ever do anything special for me. Not even for my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversary. Even times when I was sick, he wouldn’t help me. So even though he was affectionate and told me he loved me often, it all began to mean nothing without actions to back that up.
Eventually afte 15 years of marriage I hit a wall. I was so depressed and I had nothing left to give him or anyone. It’s hard to care for a husband and children, and always feeling that no one cared how I felt or what my needs were emotionally. I did find out that he cheated on me, buy the worst part or that wasn’t the act of cheating, but that he did that even though I had never neglected that part of our marriage. Even after finding out I didn’t give up, but I eventually began to feel he wasn’t going to change. I did my best to be a good wife, but he always had a way of making me feel I wasn’t doing enough. So one day I just gave up, and I told him I was done. No one left, because it was difficult considering the children. We still slept in the same bed, but there wasn’t any more sex. After several months living this way, we went out together and I became pregnant that night. I told him I would see how things to during the pregnancy. That if things improved between us maybe I would stay.
Our little one is now 3, and I am still with my husband. Things have improved between us. I still have a lot of old hurts, and he has to be careful about how he is with me, and showing me he cares with actions. The less pressure I feel to meet his needs, the more willing I am to do just that. So we both have to work at it, but I think it can be good.
Wow. I can relate to your reply Jody.
I feel my wife could ABSOLUTELY agree with seventy-five percent of your story.
Yes, I did cheat on my wife. Yes, I love sex, and at most times I do push her for sex.
Obviously there are differences, as everyone has a different story to tell.
I was a teen father, and she, a teen mother. We have one common child together – no other children from previous relationships. We are both now in our late twenties, early thirties, and she is about to graduate from her nursing degree.
We are still legally married, but she constantly brings up the dreaded “D” word. I am at a loss, but through my upbringing I cannot justify myself “forcing” her to stay with me – that is not my mentality.
Even if my wife does not see my family values in staying in this marriage through thick and thin waters, I really, somehow do believe in them.
I love my wife and daughter, and even though I am not IN love with my wife, I do love and want to move on, and for her to want this as bad as me, so we can start healing and working together.
Yes, I understand she wants to give up, is fed up, does not trust me, I truly believe that we can salvage what is left. My daughter is nine, going on ten this year. I even tried to communicate in Spanish to her mother, typing a letter expressing my new commitment, and love, and wanting to work things out with my wife. My wife’s mother is a devoted Catholic, and has strong beliefs and values in maintaining a relationship, even if there was wrong done. This is what I would want my wife to believe, but I cannot change her thoughts, beliefs, and desires, I can only change myself.
I hope you understand, from a man’s perspective, that maybe this is what he wants, but like me, does not use common judgment or sense.
I wish the best of luck to you, you’re partner and you’re children.
Xo
So here’s my situation…. my husband and I have been married going on a year in September, oh and BTW I’m now 8 months pregnant meaning we got married after 5 years of dating and surprise I’m prgo a month later. I know that the 1st year of marriage is hard so I definitely try to take that into consideration sometimes…. I’m not sure if we just really need space from one another or what to think. We don’t really talk much when I’m at work or vise versa, I’d like to think that’s because we’re basically around each other 24/8 we go to work come home eat watch TV and off to bed. Very routine I guess you can say lol and when we’re both off we’re usually together. I’d love to give him space because I know we both need it I’m just so tired after work with being so far pregnant with my first that I have no energy to want to go out and he’s a home body so it’s not like he’s going to want to go anywhere. I know I didn’t we explain it much but the reason I feel like I’m in a loveless relationship is because he’s not really affectionate and sex is maybe once a month … not that he’s cares like that we are both in our 30’s.
I married him 16 YR. ago and I had a 2 yr. old from my first marriage. I only married him to leave home because I hated the idea of having to move back home with my small child and had no place else to go. Not even looking, I met him at a church function. He seemed at first into me, but I picked up on that he just really wanted me to himself and nothing to do with my son. Stupid me married him anyway, just in hopes of having a place to “do my own thing” and my son grow up. I only married him to have a roof over my head and a place for my son & I to sleep. He was always angry at something, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and he knew of my health condition when we got married and used it against me to take control of me. He never laid a hand on me nor my son, but his temper was very dangerous. Honestly, I don’t know how I stood it two years longer than his first wife did. It had gotten to the point where I had to call 911 several times and go stay with family until he cooled down, or hopes that it would scare the hell out of him to make him stop. We have tried on several ocations with different pastors for 16 yrs. to get things under control. The last pastor is also a family law attorney on the side and even had us to do the Love Dare Challenge. It didn’t work either. He is not going to change and it was making me physically sick with going into afib or seizures several times from him getting me upset. I laid my foot down and got a restraining order and in the process of divorce. My son is 21 now and living with his natural father trying to make enough money to go back to school. I have found a male friend that had been through the same thing with his ex because she treated him like my husband treated me. He has been divorced from her for 2 years. I am a month out of filing and this person is like a friend I never knew existed. He is helping me get counceling and he works with adults with mental illness as a job coach. Am I in the wrong by being with this guy. I was only married by name and ring only because I was more like a roommate than a wife.
Started with my MIl, SIL warming him about me, with untrue things! This was within one year of marriage. Asking him to distance himself. He charms people, but he is an average man… Not too bad tempered, but not a saint either. He is very irresponsile tho he earns well. I earn well too, but I take care of everything! Financially, take care of kids etc. he helps me with some household chores, and I believe he may think that he does more than me.
What hurts me so, is that I feel so unloved! Like someone is piggybacking on me without thinking I am human. We have no romantic moments! It feels so dry, I fear that I am sinking into deep depression. Sometimes tears flow in front of him, when I stay quietly and he doesnt even care.
Few years back someone, a good friend at work warned me that I should walk out fast from this marriage! He wanted to marry me as well, said he would take care of my kids as his own. I ignored him, even tho I liked him, moved off from that work. But I find my sacrifice is not even appreciated.
All I want is bit of love; my dad had died when I was little, and my mom had been too busy to indulge me with love. Now my marriage is worse, I am ignored all the time, and yet I live mostly as a single mom taking care of even my husbands needs. I worry that my kids may get affected by any drastic step; but my life feels hollow! And my kids sense I am unhappy.
My friends feel he is polished and charming. No one seems to undertand. So I dont talk about it. But its a so difficult living with him.
I truely feel like I’m in a loveless marriage…
I met my husband at work and I was really attracted to him,I went through bad relationships in the past so I wanted to take things slowly with him. I waited 3 months before we had sex (don’t judge me) and he treated me differently from any other man. We began a monogamous relationship, which there were signs in the beginning that he was not affectionate.I had a child from a previous relationship and wanted a good man and father figure for my daughter, so I ignored many warning signs. We had sex every time we were in each other’s company but in public he acted like my best friend only, no kissing,touching, gazing into each other’s eyes, and conversation was minimal. To make a long story short we dated 4 years and forcefully got married at the courthouse even though we were mad at each other on our wedding day. Our honeymoon sucked we were so distant. We definitely had problems in the beginning as well and not to mention I was pregnant right away. There was hardly any sex during my pregnancy. We argued a lot about it. We went on together going through the motions of life and still no affection what so ever, only when we have sex once a month. It really hurts, I don’t consider myself an ugly woman and I am in pretty good shape but he treats me like a prostitute from a corner. I am a very sexual person and try to please him the way a wife should but he pushes me away. What to do? I feel like walking out of the marriage but we have two kids, a house, and our Christian background won’t allow us. I come from a two parent home and don’t want to be responsible for making my kids suffer with a broken home. I’m just not happy and I have felt this way for years. I feel like my husband was my life line because I was caught up in the idea of a perfect home, which we are not. I have mentioned this to him throughout our marriage but it only changes temporarily and goes back to the loneliness all over again. He chooses the TV over me. I really need some advice.
I’m sorry you’re so lonely! It sounds like you had a lot of doubts before you were married but you ignored them because you wanted a family, and that just didn’t turn out like you wanted. That’s really common, but it does leave so many women feeling so lonely.
One thought I had: it sounds like you guys have never really been friends. Like you just don’t have fun together. If you’re going to build a relationship built on affection and built on fun then you have to start actually finding some fun things to do together. So that’s where I’d start! Go for a walk after dinner and talk. Buy some 2-person board games. Take up a new hobby, like biking or something. Talk to him about finding something to do with him that’s fun, and that’s away from a screen. Volunteer somewhere together. Anything! It doesn’t mean you never watch TV; it’s just that so many people get into a rut, and then you honestly have nothing in common.
It’s going to take some work, but you can build a relationship with someone when you find common ground and shared experiences. So work on that first! I hope that helps.
Alot of people are happy to be unhappy in a relationship as long as their not alone. Maybe your getting older and the thought of having to go out and meet someone is daunting. Maybe all your friends are married and are having kids and you don’t want to be alone.
I am a 43 year old male, and I too feel like I am in a loveless relationship with my partner.
At times I feel that the constant bickering, lack of affection, verbal abuse and on one or two occasions physical from my partner is normal for a relationship of 6 years, and I’m a male, so don’t think that it’s only the man making women feel like that!
In the beginning of our relationship, everything was great as it usually is, then cracks started appearing. Big fights, personal boundaries being crossed constantly, feeling embarrassed in public from having an argument, feeling alone or like just another person under the same roof. At an age over 40, really who could be bothered going out and trying to meet someone.. That’s what my thoughts are. I live in a small town and everyone here at my age has kids, so I just keep going day in, day out as is.
The arguments in the early stages of our relationship were never properly resolved, so things just get bottled up.
If I was yo give any advice, I would say that communication is no#1, respecting your partner no#2 followed by intimacy.
Assuming something before discussing it with your partner may also lead to unnecessary thoughts and in turn negative feelings.
If you find that you get along and the only problem stems from lack of affection or intimacy, women, please stop thinking the worst! As maen (and women) age, testosterone and libido drop dramatically. The lack of affection can be medical. Get testosterone blood tests done. A low testosterone means low libido. If after tests show that everything is fine, I’d suggest getting counseling to mediate anything that you need to get off your chest. If the testosterone is good and counseling doesn’t work, I’d suggest moving on.
But if your like me, just stay and be happy to be unhappy as long as your not alone.
Hello,
i am 30 and my wife is 24 now and we have been married for 2 years and we have a 9 months old son. We live in a country where sex before marriage is totally not accepted.
we met 4.5 years ago and started dating. Like any other couples we flirted, we kissed and even some physical action. Three months later while hiking in the woods we got physical and i accidentally made her lose her virginity with my finger. We never planned this to happen. I was totally scared and didn’t know what to do. She was like “it’s OK don’t worry don’t let this affect our relation even if things don’t work out don’t let it affect your decision if you are not happy with me” she said this every time i tried to talk to her about what happened and what she wants me to do.
after that everything was great and we got engaged for a year before marriage. Since we got married we had ups and downs like any other married couple and she always says that i don’t talk much when i come home from work and don’t take care of her so much. And yes i am not a talkative person and over simplify things and maybe take her for granted.
two weeks ago she came to me crying and told me that she was not happy anymore and she doesn’t love me because she tried to fix things so many times and every time she talks to me i get better and things get great for 2 months and then i get back to the way i was before.
she said she pretended to be so strong all the time even when she lost her virginity and she said she only married me for that reason and not out of love because she was young and afraid if her parents found out and didn’t know what else to do. And she never told me that before because she didn’t want to hurt me but she couldn’t anymore.
since we met she always told me that she doesn’t believe in love and she believes in actions and happiness. Things were great and she was so happy to be with me and i treated her right and she even said that in a certain period i made her love me because of the way i treated her and now she doesn’t want to give affection and doesn’t want affection in return anymore. She will not leave and she will keep taking care of the house and me and cook for me and take care of our son and everything else just like before but of course no sexual or emotional life and our son will be her only interest and she wants me not to ask for anything more than that. And she is still my wife only because it was a decision she took.
i am so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage but she said that i can’t fix anything anymore. And she doesn’t want me to fix anything and she will not love me again whatever I would do or change because i will get back to the same way we are now and she will get hurt again. Now she stopped talking to me the way we did before unless it was something about our son and she says that she doesn’t want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life and not to interfere in her life as well.
please help me with some advice what should i do?
Thanking you in advance.
JP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you really love your wife, and she’s going through a lot of doubt and depression.
All I can say is keep loving her! We often go through periods in our lives when things are really dark, and she may be going through something like that. It doesn’t mean she’ll stay there.
I also really recommend the book The Love Dare about how to win back a spouse’s love. It’s all about actions, and it’s really good. I’d recommend getting that and trying it!
will it work if she is not willing to participate?
It’s all about winning back someone who isn’t willing to participate, so that’s why I thought of it! I really do hope that it helps.
In my case, I’m the husband and it is she that is loveless. I have always been faithful, a good man a happy and content father of our 2 kids but she has grown tired of it apparently. Yes, I was not the most affectionate person in public, I am not a perfect individual but am well liked by my friends, family and co-workers. I’m a happy, positive individual but because she’s cannot see past herself and HER wants. She claims we’ve grown apart. Well I’m ready to grow back together but she is not. She does not want divorce…yet. We have an 11 and 13yr old. She’s lost. Her work is priority #1…perhaps tied with the kids. I am way down the list. I have to beg for sex and she only reluctantly allows on occasion. We’ve had a great sex life most of the time up until 2yrs ago. Been married 15yrs, together 24yrs. What is it with people and their selfishness? I am not a bad, lazy, dirty person by any means. Clean cut, good looking for a 52yr old. I look like I’m about 40. LIVE AND LET LIVE!! Be happy and accepting of others. I’ve been faithful. I’m not lazy. I clean, work hard, play hard. Great father. So discouraging.
Tom – I’m that guy too. Married 24 years, I adopted her son from a previous then 5, and we’ve got 2 teens together. When I bring up all the positive points I’ve done she scoffs and just calls it my “resume”. Like, what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry, I’ve generally done the right thing, no cheating, no abuse, provided, go out to nice dinners, vacations, etc etc etc…. But she’s got 100% of the power in our (non-existent) sex life (whoever does not want sex always has all the power).
But alas, love is not a resume. Love is not good deeds. I think in a married, committed relationship we both need to compromise for the sake of the other – but that’s stopped. Once she definitely said no more sex, I totally shut down. I felt rejected, not worthy, kills my self-confidence (and I sell, a little cockiness helps), betrayed, used, and not even worth the effort. We haven’t said 10 words to each other in 2 weeks – still raising a couple teens. It’s totally messed up and I don’t understand – obviously. There is NO good answer in this loveless marriage thing.
It’s shaking my faith to the core (in conjunction wit several other disappointments). I feel the same with God as I do her – I’ve done my best to honor God, to try and model the example Christ set, to try and bring others to the faith (mainly my kids), deal fairly in business, but I’m not feeling His blessings at this time and not for a long time.
So God and my wife seem to be acting a lot alike. I can’t fundamentally change the core of who I am, but it appears I’m not pleasing to God or my wife – and therefore there is no love coming back.
Options for a Loveless Marriage:
1) A miracle from God (still waiting) to make things better
2) Cheat and compromise all values I hold dear (and it’s tempting, but my conscience would eat me
alive)
3) Divorce
4) Stay in it because my belief in family is greater than my need for intimacy – although it makes it no
easier to face. Being roommates was fine in college, but not at 50.
Sounds like most of us here in are in the Option 4 bucket, I am.
I signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. But I have no leverage, and no past efforts have had any lasting impact, so I’m basically a monk in a marriage, here to take care of my kids and devote my life to my family, but with no intimacy.
God have mercy on all of us, we could all use some grace about now.
“Look back to when you were first married. Did he ignore you? Did he fail to show you any affection? Was he angry all the time?
I highly doubt it, because few of us would marry someone who treated us this way.”
Meet the exception to the rule. I was on the rebound. He became my obsession. He was different than any other boyfriend I had ever had, meaning he had a car and a job. He was occasionally sweet. We drank a lot. He always picked his friends and his vehicle over me. I got such cold feet the week before we got married. My mother came into my bedroom the morning of my wedding and told me to get it over with, that I could get divorced then and have him out of my system. We were married by a JP in our new house. We had no money for a honeymoon. He said he would take me to Florida later. Never happened. Within 24 hours after saying our vows, he lost his temper and I knew I had made such a horrible mistake. We have been married for 27 years with lots of ups and downs. We have really grown apart in the last seven years. I finally forgave myself a few years ago but I still can’t help but think of how I wasted my life, how I really let God down with my choice of husband. I feel like it has become a waiting game of who will die first so the other can go on with their life.
I enjoy your blogs and I want to “pick your brain” if you will. Let’s recap: you said,
“Look back to when you were first married. Did he ignore you? Did he fail to show you any affection? Was he angry all the time?
I highly doubt it, because few of us would marry someone who treated us this way.
Chances are when you were dating he did talk to you, and he did laugh with you, and you did love him (and he loved you). Otherwise why would you have married him?
My answer is yes, yes and yes. I was broken and desperate. I felt worthless and unlovable. I was so depressed on our wedding night. My thought was “well I guess I better marry him, no one else would ever love me.” 🙁
Here is a response to another blog of yours I just wrote. I have never replied to a blog before yours today. LOL!
‘ I have been in a miserable situation for 20 years. I married because I was broken and felt worthless, and was truly convinced no one else would love me. I thought I had to marry him in order to survive. I was exhausted from trying to provide for myself since I was 15, homeless and on my own. Love had little to do with it and like had even less to do with it. I was not born again and the thought was this is not forever, just the best option for now. Now I am born again. My husband is neglectful, harsh and emotionally abusive. He is most definitely an alcoholic. He works until 12 or 1am and drinks in the garage at least until 3 am 6 days a week and has slept on the couch for the last 6 years. I have spent 20 years sexually serving a man I am not attracted to, or in love with. He is simply a hard man, uninterested in changing for the better. He seems incapable of emotional intimacy, and has no interests in my emotional needs. He throws emotional temper tantrums regularly, and it’s usually about how he is demanding more and better sex from me and how once a week is not good enough. He says I owe him, because he has to work so hard to provide for me. He is very controlling. My Christian counselor tells me it is about obedience to the Lord at all costs. I sure wish, hope and pray for a way out. I worry that if I leave, I will be outside of the will of God and His provision and protection. I also have been financially dependent with no way of providing for myself. I have a GED. We have 2 kids. It feels like a prison sentence. I want more than anything to obey and please the Lord. I also want freedom from this marriage, desperately. I want so much to be loved and cherished. My husband says he believes but is not obedient or born again in any way. I have been praying for a miracle for YEARS. Will you pray for me?’ I need clarity and direction; and HOPE. I know what the word says. How could God want this for me?
Watch “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” on you tube. Seek safety for yourself .
Hi, I can relate I’m sooo lonely my wife n I have been married for 36 yrs about 10 yrs into the marriage she told me that she had been abused as a child , I couldn’t fix it no matter what I did, and what’s funny is that before we were married she said she was a virgin I don’t mean funny I can’t explain how much that affects a man when he thinks she love him and he would be her first love Wow ,well here we are now and I can count on two hands how many times we’ve been intamate in the last 7 years it’s been completely nothing at all, I try to be patient and understanding I even go to counciling with her I guess I’m just tired and lonely I wish she needed me and wanted me in a sexual way I’m glad to get a peck on the lip, it’s been a roolicoaster of emotions for me I don’t know what to do, I have tried cleaning myself up n try my best to look good for her do my best to impress her but of course it’s always NO we are at this point little more than roommates I wish I had a friend to talk to someone to talk to, I pray everyday about our marriage and ask God for help so I wait for her maybe someday she will notice me and actually want to be intamate wow that would be a miracle one that I would welcome, I guess I’m just tired and lonely ?
I have been trying all this advice for well over 3 years. I am not in a relationship needy I am in a relationship that my husband feels that I should need him. I have been independent for over 17 years and he likes that I am independent, but hates t hat I am trying to have a relationship with my children whom I have been away from for their entire life and he hates that I am trying to thrive in my job. He hates that I have have genuine care for others doing well although I didn’t get the promotion. He loves me and do for me because it is the right thing to do. Now, does that sound like real love, doing things because it is the right thing to do?.. I don’t think so. I have no desires for him most of the time at times when he is calm I do and that is rare, because when we don;t argue he will find a way to make an argument so that he can put me down for being loud and mean. It is frustrating and I truly believe that we need to be divorced, but hes making it difficult because he has been in a relationship every since he left home at 21 years old. So, he is need and do not think so. I could write a book about my issue, but what ever you may think times it by ten.
What if your husband tells you that if you ever leave me that his family will sue you for everything you have. What if he tells you that they have money and will hire the best lawyers and take you apart. What kind of marriage is that?
Great advice in some respects. But I get so weary of how all of the Christian marriage advice articles imply that things would be better if only the wife would be more sexual. My marriage is not completely sexless, but it is pretty bad… sometimes we have gone for months at a time. And it is not my choice, but his.
We have had a lot of struggles in our marriage and we have both made our share of mistakes. But his response to issues has been to lose interest in sex… which is particularly difficult because I have always wanted it more than he did. I believe there is a passive aggressive element involved, but I also believe that a large part of it is just that it does not matter enough to him to put forth any effort into the relationship, sexually or otherwise. It seems that all of his sex drive has been redirected into his business.
He is not a terrible person. He is not an ogre. He has done some very hurtful things… dishonesty, broken promises, occasional emotional abuse… yet I am well aware that my reactions contributed to the vicious negative vortex that our marriage turned into. I saw my part and tried to turn things around about 2 years ago, and they have gotten calmer. We don’t fight like we used to. But sometimes it seems like there is nothing left but a barren wasteland. I do not have any Biblically justified reason to leave him, nor do I want to for the sake of our two children. It hurts a lot, yet I often think that I could deal with the lack of emotional connection if only we had a minimally satisfactory sex life.
My husband absolutely refuses to even consider counseling. Yet every ChristIan marriage advice article implies that things would be so much better if only the woman would be more sexual.
I admit that makes me a little bitter…
Maci, that is so, so tough! I actually have a series on what to do when your husband has no sex drive. And it is a VERY serious problem. I also talk about it in this post, about being a spouse, not an enabler, and I have quite a lot of information about that in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It really isn’t a problem that you can just ignore, and it does need to be dealt with. I hope those posts get you on a road to healing and figuring out the root–and that maybe the book can really provide a roadmap. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! But I don’t think the Christian answer is just to let it be, either. God wants the best for us, not to wall ourselves off from intimacy as your husband has done.
Thank you Sheila, I appreciate it. I do not mean to sound like a victim. I am well aware of my share of the problems in our marriage. I could write volumes on the complicated relationship dynamics that we have. Unfortunately knowing does not equal being able to fix them. And believe me I have tried everything. I have read the articles, the books. I have tried talking about it and not talking about it.
I have tried being more available and I have tried being hard to get.
I have tried being supportive and I have tried getting my own interests so that I don’t think about it do much.
The truth is that his interest was tenuous even in the beginning. Every thing had to be just right. His focus was always on work and reinvesting almost everything he made back into his business, sex was an afterthought. We had a series of serious arguments over some of these issues. I wanted more balance in our lives… I got a job and insisted on having more of a voice in how we managed our finances. I know that what I asked for was reasonable, but he felt emasculated and stopped wanting sex at all.
I try very hard to focus on the good things that I have, and not on what is missing. Most of the time I deal with it, but now and then it does become overwhelming. Yes I am angry. Yes I sometimes feel like I am fatally flawed and must be the most unattractive woman in America… yet cognitively I know that is not the case. I have been tempted a hundred times to quietly get my needs met elsewhere… my husband would never notice. But my conscience would never allow me to do that.
I have read your article about husbands who don’t want sex. I do appreciate that there is at least some recognition given to that side of the coin. But the vast majority of Christian marriage articles, including most of yours, are just like this one… marriage would be so much better if women were more into sex.
Hi Maci, I think most posts are like that because that’s where MOST women are at, but I certainly try to write a lot for the other side, too, and I certainly do include it quite a bit in my books! And also when I speak. Here’s another post that you may want to look at. Sometimes we feel like we’ve done everything we could because we’ve bent over backwards to serve–but sometimes we’ve done so much, but it’s been so much of the wrong thing. I don’t know if that’s you scenario at all, but I thought it might be useful.
Been married for 29 years, but after our first child my wife told me her body no longer belonged to me and the downward trend of a sexless marriage started. After 24 years of marriage i finally realized that our relationship would never be positive. (a bit of a slow learner.) For five years I pulled away and started to look for ways of filling the void elsewhere (not cheating). I was looking for anything that could distract me from the misery that has been our marriage. For me this included going to the gym, work, getting together with friends, and pretty much anything that would get me away from home (unless my wife was not home). One more thing, I had also stopped wearing my wedding ring, felt like a lie every time I put it on.
Then earlier this year I thought of my wedding vow. For a while I had reasoned that my wife was not fulfilling her vow to “love, honor, and cherish” so I shouldn’t be expected to keep my vow. But then I realized that I made that vow before God. It was not dependent on her fulfilling her vow. It did not say IF he/she does the same. I realized that I had sinned against God and my wife. I confessed it to God and asked my wife for her forgiveness. She isn’t ready to forgive me yet, but each day I put my wedding ring on I thank God for His faithfulness, and the bitterness I struggle with has subsided (though today has been more of a struggle).
Don’t know if this thought will help anyone else, but marriage brings more benefits than just a life partner. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this fact.
I can relate to so many of these experiences. As with many here it was gradual then became worse over time. For years I blamed myself for what happened and my self-esteem was severally damaged. Now, I found out it’s not my fault and there are reason(s) which were staring me in the face all of this time… and maybe you too…
You need to ask yourself; did your spouse/partner grow up in a trauma filled environment? It might have been; physical, sexual, drug, emotional ( there are more ), in my wife’s case it was alcohol. I used the word “trauma” for a reason; if you educate yourself on this subject you will see why too… Your spouse may not remember what happened as a child or state it didn’t affect them; in this case they are 100% wrong! Emotional damage was done and unfortunately you are now dealing with the negative after effects, especially as they get older.
I will now try to explain albeit over simplified what I learned. I am no expert, just a husband trying to leave this hell that I now live in and be happy with my wife again.
I took a step back and calmly listed all the unique traits my wife has that drive me crazy and started researching. What I learned opened my eyes… I found out my wife is an ACoA ( Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and due to this she didn’t grow up normally, and like many ACoA’s they have certain traits ( intimacy/anger issues are ones of many ) this in turn most likely made her Child then Adult ADHD to be more prominent ( Adult ADHD traits are also intimacy/anger issues ). Either one of these can wreck a marriage but living with someone who has both is like living in the twilight zone. Now, the last part… this part I just stumbled upon recently. Real/deep “love” is made up of three components (“”). You and your spouse were “attracted” to each other, you then formed an “attachment” to each other but for real/deep love to grow and flourish you must be “attuned” to each other.
Attunement is the deep connection humans have with each other; this is why when you think of your spouse you can place yourself inside them and feel what they feel other words you can get inside their head. There was a form of this in the beginning of your relationship but for the “children of trauma” they never really leaned it as it must be taught by a loving attuned parent/caregiver. Unfortunately many spouses only interact with their spouse when they need/want something or when they get angry, this is not attunement! I read a story of a woman who finally divorced her husband; it wasn’t that she didn’t love him it was because she was never in his head. How can he want her, love her, when he was always thinking of something else besides her.
The good news is all of this can change through knowledge/therapy. Am I happier, no… because my wife is in denial but educating myself about these subjects has brought me some internal peace because I now know it’s not me… and it’s not her either… how can it be… she didn’t plan this to happen, its just the cards we were dealt and have to play. For anyone who reads what I wrote and can relate, how you play your cards is up to you too.
God Bless
Thanks so much for your comment! That’s very interesting, and I think it will help a lot of people!
Mark, I can totally relate. My father-in-law was abusive to his wife and my mother-in-law chose to detach and hide at her work, leaving my wife and her sister growing up with the dad. My wife thinks the worst of me even when I am doing nice things for her (e.g., caring for her means I am being controlling; asking about her day means I am prying; giving her gifts mean I don’t understand she doesn’t do gifts (even though she likes and uses the gifts), etc), and I often thought to myself “why does she think of me like that”. It wasn’t until 10+ years of marriage and her emotional affair (I stay faithful) that I understand her pain and general distrust of the role of “father” and “husband”. My bad for not understanding the effect of her parents on her and not addressing these demons earlier on. This understanding does not at all satisfy my own needs to be loved and respected by my wife (friends and everyone saying what a wonderful husband and father I am does not mean the same to me). But it does make me feel less hurt.
Awesome advice indeed! I think having a positive attitude towards one another vanishes many small problems in a relationship. If you really want to have a happy married life, first learn the art of being happy in any kind of situation. Don’t let yourself be inspired by the negative thoughts. A happy man can only make others happy and that’s the fact. any situation can be better through the positive approach only, and when it comes to a relationship, it becomes more crucial. Many Thanks!
Very useful read
Feel I am stuck ina rutt
I’ve found that no matter how much I do around the house to assist, no matter how much I work out to maintain a decent body, no matter how much I provide loving affirmation, affection, kindness, patience, care for the kids, be her in house Tech support, be the home repair man, HVAC man, landscaper, gardener, etc. it is never enough. You name: songs, poetry, write songs for her, … it’s never enough.
If I meet the need and even over-achieve, I didn’t do well enough or the demands are ever changing!
When I read or hear a women claim their husband won’t establish an emotional connection, I say how?
I want to know how that’s done? To me, you’re asking for the ocean. Can you please define what that means to YOU?
I greatly desire an emotional connection but I haven’t any clue what that means for my wife! We’ve been married for 30 years and talked a zillion times yet she cAnnot tel me what that means for her because she doesn’t know! She cannot describe it. I should just simply know and do it! If she can’t even describe it then how can I possibly begin to comprehend what it means to provide her emotional support?!
Yep, I’ve grown increasingly rebellious to her. I’m always battling conflicting feelings in which I greatly desire her yet I want to be free from her and free from the narcissism and controlling behaviors.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I just exist.
Go to work.
Come home.
Do what I need to do.
Talk with my kids or intervene from my wife yelling at them.
Sleep on the couch.
REPEAT…..
After our marriage I became lonely; these days it’s insanity due to the loneliness and frustration.
I didn’t marry because I needed another friend.
I got married for true intimacy.
I have just read some of these comments and it just breaks my heart. I’m a man who never cries but reading all this made me feel like I was being torn apart inside. I’m so sorry for all of you men and women who live in these situations and I just wish everything could be fixed instantly. I pray God will heal and restore your marriages. He is the only one who can do it.
Reading this has also made me realize that I need to work on my relationship with my wife. We are not in a loveless marriage but there are many things that are driving us apart. Sadly my wife doesn’t see it or she doesn’t communicate it. It’s so hard to know when she wants me to touch her and when she doesn’t. I’ve been rejected so many times that I’ve stopped initiating. And I think that is slot making us grow apart. Reading all this has made me realize we need to do something about this. It’s just so hard to help her see that our marriage isn’t just about the kids or just about being married. It seems she is happy if I provide, take care of our kid and do the chores and buy her stuff. She never seems to want more. There are sometimes she wants me to hug her but I feel those times are few. We barely kiss anymore. The last time I tried to talk to her about these things or talk about what I read she said: “Every time you read those marriage blogs you ask weird questions. ” I must try or I don’t see this marriage work.
I have been married for 32 years now and our marriage seems to get worse every year. I feel lonely and need attention and she couldn’t care less. She doesn’t initiate anything ever, when I mention our issues it’s always the blame game. I have suggested marriage seminars and she says it won’t help. We have been going around in circles for years. I love her and want a good marriage but she is content with her life. When I mention sex she says that’s all I think about. Well if I am deprived I do think about it. And when we do get together it’s almost like don’t do that I don’t like it or that tickles. Bottom line I don’t know what to do, I am not happy but don’t want to separate. Also I have been dealing with cancer for almost 2 years and that is a roller coaster ride as well. Pray for me.
Michael
I know how you feel, I am in the same situation. Talk it out, give it to the Lord, seek help if needed. I will pray for you.
For all the young women commenting staying in loveless sexless emotionally abusive marriages – STOP- get out if you are able . Your children KNOW your marriage is horrible and that can be worse then a divorce . I’m 53 now and totally regret the nights i cried myself to sleep , the emotional and physical distance I endured . I was too scared and weak to leave. deserved better , I deserved more And so do you all. Don’t waste your life in agony… You’ll regret it one day trust me.
Editing my post above to say young men and women in these hurtful marriages ((not just women – I know it’s both )
I have just read some of these comments i felt heart break. Its help a lot of people.
i have been married for 11 years and i felt so lonely in life because he dont get close and never cared me.however he is not a bad guy and i love him v much.yestrday v got medical reports after we consulted fertlity doctr since we did not get a child yet.thus we got t knw that my husband cant get kids naturally and v do not hve enough money to undergo ivf or any other treatment t get a baby.he is asking t get divorce now n me t get married t another which v dffclt for me.let me knw a suggestion
Do people’s still read these questions? I put a comment on your website last week and no one has replied. I am a man and looks like most of your stuff is geared to women.
Michael
I have no idea how and what is our status. He will only coming home before 9pm if there is night meeting with his boss else he will hanging out until 12am at dart bar after work daily (mon- Fri). For weekend, he will either go until 4am on Saturday night or Sunday night (between 2 days he only give us 1 night on weekend). At home is just pressing hand phone even before bedtime. I want to talk with him I need to make my move else being ignored. He will play with the kids on weekend daytime. I am getting sick of approach talking with him because I don’t see there is any interest in him to plan do something/ talk more with me. He complaint working stress but whenever free at night he just want to go to dart bar with friend. I learn to be silent and more silent because I start giving up waiting. Am I the on causing all this happen? Have been trying go on a short trip but once we home, he rush out to dart bar with friend at night with the reason because I do not suggest anything to do so he go out. I feel unwanted and loveless. Am I the one to be blame for all this? I am very sad and miserable, I told him i am depress but was told I am acting and look for trouble. He did nothing wrong and I am the one over thinking.
sexless, loveless You can’t fix something that has been broke for over 50 years. Don’t even try because it will cause more frustration than its worth. You have two options leave or just stay a bare it. If you stay just try to learn to love yourself, it’s not your fault about your marriage. I make sure I do things I want to do, and if any one asks about my husband, I tell the truth about what hes like.
I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.
Oh, Vee, that’s awful. I’m so, so sorry. I’m glad that you found some comfort here.
Living in a loveless marriage, Sheila, in answer and addition to your point #1, I’d like to let everyone know, in case it is relevant for some, that sometimes the man (or woman, or both!) can have characteristics of “Aspergers”, and yes, they were VERY attentive before marriage, and then, it can all change when married (and often has). It’s a very common thing.
I’d like to share a little of my story to hopefully help others realise certain things earlier, and save their sanity.
I lived for 10 years in a marriage (nearly 14 years in and I am still married… by the grace of God alone) and one day thought I CANNOT STAND THIS ANYMORE, (it really was So very hard in marriage, I had read dozens of books, tried so hard, etc, etc), I really cried out in anger and frustration to the Lord, and that very morning I met a woman who shared her story with me of how her husband had ‘Aspergers’. I really didn’t even know what that was at that stage.
As she spoke factually of how he was, I was amazed, tears welled up in me and I said, “Are you talking about your husband or mine?? ”
Her story was so similar, it sounded like she was describing My husband!!
She said, “Oh, how long has it been since his diagnosis?”
I said, “No, no diagnosis”.
I had not even really heard about this before.
I then read and researched, went to support groups for partners with Aspergers…. I finally had some answers of why it had felt so so so hard, and some help to show more grace, both to myself and my husband.
The point of my comment is to let people know, that it is a very COMMON thing (eg Professor Tony Attwood, who is considered a leading world expert in Aspergers, educates on this) that men with Aspergers can absolutely seem SO loving and attentive in the dating / courting (pre marriage) period, as you become their ‘special interest’. Then, once married, it can all stop. They have achieved their goal.
I am not here to put anyone down, rather to point a light towards some more understanding for those women (and men) who are in a similar situation and feel unloved, boggled, might feel like they are going crazy and don’t know what to do.
Some books/ Resources as a start I recommend for more understanding of Aspergers are:
online Asperger test by Simon Baren-Cohen;
“Walking on Eggshells” book;
books by Maxine Aston;
books by Dr Kathy Marshack.
There is support available for you, I want you to not feel like you’re dying inside or going crazy.
It has NOT been easy, and by God’s grace I am still hanging in.
I hope this may help some.
Lord help and bless us all in Jesus’ Name, Amen.
I really hope you still read coming on old posts and can help me. I have C-PTSD and dissociative identity disorder. I don’t have full multiple personalities, it’s more like a quick snapshot of a hidden side of my personality that flairs without my awareness or control. I’ve been married for 15 years and 14 of those were full of these types of behaviors. Things I would say that were hurtful… Only (mainly… Or at least all I know of) to my husband. He’s a fighter so he would fight back. All I ever consciously saw was him getting angrier and angrier whenever I did something that upset him and him saying mean things. What I didn’t know was that I was escalating it. No clue. I just found out months ago about my D.I.D. Before that, all I knew I had was PTSD and I was trying do very hard. He’s finally given up. He doesn’t mirror my “I love you”s any more. He told me that he doesn’t want anything personal with me any longer. We own businesses and he said, focus on business and the children only. Intamacy is gone except when he occasionally drinks to much… Then it’s passionate but my heart breaks afterward because he gets a look of regret immediately following. I feel so alone and I never meant to hurt him. He had no patience with me any longer and got very angry when I said that the other day in the firm of asking why. He keeps bringing up that he’s dealt with this for 15 years. I sideways feel so guilty and it’s like he says it does things to increase guilt as much as possible. He actually told our teenage kids the other day that he’s sorry that Daddy didn’t show mommy live any more but he’s tired and then went on to ask me to explain why it’s all because of my disability. I felt so mortified and worthless. He’s a good man and ice never seen someone so passionate about God, though also very judgemental towards me. It’s like he thinks he has a connection with Good that I’ll never have and scoffs if I say I’m trying to follow God as best a can. I didn’t ask to have these disabilities. I didn’t ask for my childhood. I feel absolutely no empathy or sympathy at all from him. It’s like he sees me as weak and that’s all I’ll ever be. He actually got upset with me a while back because I’m so sensitive to pain and said I need to act like an adult. (I’ve had 2 kids). I’m trying but each day I feel a little more