It’s time for our Ignite the Fire Marriage blog series, with three bloggy friends! We’re all writing on the same topic today, so you can read this post and then follow the links to see their unique take on how we can ignite the fire in our marriages.
Today we’re talking about kindness in marriage.
A few weeks ago I was having a really bad day. I had a ton of work to get through and everything kept going wrong. I was mildly annoyed at my kids for not stepping up and cleaning the house for me when I was busy. My husband had been on call a lot and wasn’t really home. And I had errands to do.
And as I walked into the drug store, this dear older gentleman held the door open for me, and said, “Have a wonderful day, ma’am.”
It was such a small thing. But he was smiling, and I found myself smiling, too. And I thought: there is good in the world.
It’s amazing how a small thing–a little thing even–can change the whole dynamic in your emotional state.
And yet it’s these little things that we often have the most trouble with. Instead of just pouring him a glass of cold water when he’s sitting exhausted on the couch, we fret and stew in the kitchen wondering why he doesn’t take the initiative to talk more.
We tend to focus on what we’re upset at him for, not on what we can do just to make his day a little bit easier. And then we start thinking in terms of “he doesn’t deserve it.” We see things too often in terms of “deserve”.
Now perhaps you don’t do this. Perhaps you’re not particularly angry at your husband, but nevertheless you don’t tend to do these little things, either. You’re caught up in your to-do list, and what you’re thinking about, and you feel as if he should be caught up in his, too. Having to do something little for him is just adding to the things on your list, not taking them away.
Yet I want to give you this thought:
Success in marriage is less about worrying about the big things as it is about doing the small things, day after day.
It’s those small things that make him feel ten feet tall. It’s those small acts of kindness that say, “I’m thinking about you.” It’s those small things that make him so glad that he’s married to you.
And if you could do those small things, why wouldn’t you?
Even if you’re going through a tough time in your marriage, and you feel really distant, doing these small things can help you see the marriage in a different light, and help him feel more positively, too. When we act kindly, we tend to feel and think kindly as well. It’s a win-win. And remember that kindness is not something that God gave to us because we deserved it. Kindness is something that God gave to us because He loves us. And He asks us to do the same thing for our husbands.
I often think of it like this: God is not just my Father; He’s also my Father-in-Law. Understanding that thought can change your marriage! God doesn’t just want the best for you; He wants the best for your husband, too. And maybe you are the primary way that God wants your husband to experience love and kindness on this earth. Maybe one of your main purposes in this life is to love him–just as his purpose is to love you. So why wouldn’t you?
If you want something more practical, I’ve got a great post on 25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love. All of them take less than 5 minutes, cost little or nothing, and have nothing to do with sex (though I talk about sex a lot at other times!). Check them out!
But if we sprinkled more kindness into our marriages, we would change that whole dynamic. Speak kind words. Think about his preferences–for dinner, for instance. Think about what he appreciates–and then do these things. That’s a wonderful gift to give to him.
Ignite the Fire Challenge: Be intentional about showing your husband kindness this week. Think about 2 little things you can do to be kind to your husband–and then do them! Start making that a habit of doing 2-3 small things a day, for it’s the small things that a marriage is built on!
My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too! Courtney from WomenLivingWell, Darlene from TimeWarpWife.com, and Jennifer from UnveiledWife.com have all written awesome posts on passion! Click on through to see what they have to say.


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My husband and I are good about doing thoughtful little things for each other. We intentionally got into that habit early in our marriage and have kept it up. It’s just nice to know he’s thinking about me and he likes to know I’m thinking about him too. For example, we both like to have a glass of water by the bed at night, so whoever gets their water first also gets a glass for the other person. I pack his lunches each day for work and make sure he has something good to eat. If he’s mowing the yard, I know he will want to take a shower afterwards (which I appreciate) so I lay out a fluffy towel and washcloth for him. He makes the bed every morning while I get breakfast ready. These are examples of little things, that don’t take much time, but remind us that we are loved. It just makes life so much easier and nicer when we make it a point to think about each other and do nice things for each other on a regular basis. And when you get into the mindset of looking for nice things to do for each other, you’re a lot less likely to dwell on flaws and imperfections.
That is so sweet! And that’s exactly what I mean. Just show your husband you think of him! It really does change the way you feel about the other person.
” And when you get into the mindset of looking for nice things to do for each other, you’re a lot less likely to dwell on flaws and imperfections.” I loved this! It’s so true. When we are busy focusing on ways to show love we notice less the things our mate may be ‘failing’ in or how he is not treating us the way we ‘deserve’. It’s all about becoming Christ-like!
What if the small things you do are not enough, and he starts complaining about how you do them wrong? and what if the small things are unappreciated and expected so when you are unable to do them he gets angry with you? Should you continue to do them? should you let him shame you in front of the kids because you did not do something he expected? I did these things, and that is how things became for me, and now I am not sure what to do.
Kathy, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. If he’s berating you in front of the kids and being overly critical, you may be dealing with something much worse here. I’d point you to this post on Emotionally Destructive Marriages. It may be better for you.
I love that you put such important emphasis on the little things! Sometimes I’m guilty of falling into the trap of “go big or go home”, when all the small things are what truly matter. I can’t wait to see my hubby and shower him with some extra kisses tonight! 🙂
http://lifeofaministermom.com/2013/09/10/kindness-matters/
I love what you are teaching I’m bringing the love back in our marrige.
My husband and I have been and are having trouble in our marriage. (Please pray for us.) Your site and wonderful, Christ-filled advice gives me new hope. Even though we have filed for divorce once, and are unfortunately talking about it again, I have faith that, through Christ, we can, and will, work it out!
Sandra I struggling also. We got bak together after two and a half years but I don’t feel in love withh him anymore and it kills me everyday. Not sure if we should divorce or not
What if u keep doing nice things but he never reciprocates? I get tired. I am human. I feel no motivation to continue being nice to someone who continues to hurt me emotionally. He has verbally told me he does not care about me. Never notices any nice thing I do or anything I do to myself or wear. He used to notice everything. New hair, new nail color… but not anymore and it has been this way for some time now. Every fight we have is always my fault. He is never wrong and always demands an apology which i always give , just for the sake of peace. Honestly I am fed up. I am not happy. I am sad and I cry all the time. I never had breakouts on my face now i break out everywhere due to stress. I am overwhelmed. I rarely get help with chores. I do it all. I am convinced there is no love anymore in our marriage.
What if he doesn’t even notice that you’re doing anything special for him? What if he just never ever does anything for you – just because he says he never gets the idea. Can anyone be so dumb?!
I seriously married the wrong guy, have been pretending to love him for 20yrs but breaking now.. can’t do it anymore at all. But I know I don’t have it in Me to even walk out. Now just waiting for my life to end. – hope god given me the strength till then to continue this charade.