One of the most common questions I get is, “how do I get my husband to spend time with me?” We feel so lonely in our marriages, as if we’re living parallel lives.
Often when things go wrong in a marriage we start looking at the “big” things–we can’t communicate; we share different values; our sex life is lousy. And yet, I think, in general, the first thing to go in a marriage is the friendship.
The root of most marriage problems is that we stop being friends.
And when that goes, everything else follows.
Yesterday, in my post about being stuck in a loveless marriage, I talked about the concept of a “Love Bank”: think of your relationship as a bank account. Whenever you want to talk about an issue, or discuss a problem, you’re making a “withdrawal”, because that takes a toll on a marriage (even if, in the end, it’s a good thing to do). There are unhealthy ways of making withdrawals, too–being selfish, sniping at someone, picking a fight, etc. But all of us, even if we’re angels, will have to make withdrawals at some point.
The thing about the Marriage Love Bank is that it really can’t go into a negative balance.
You have no overdraft protection on it. So if you’re going to make a withdrawal, there has to be a balance there.
But life, in general, draws the balance down. Just living together provides some stress, and your balance will start to diminish unless it is built up. And the best way to build it up is to laugh together. Spend time together. Feel like friends, because then you’re on the same team!
That’s why I often tell couples that if you have a major thing you need to resolve, it’s better to spend a month building your friendship and learning how to talk together again than to delve into that huge issue.
You have to have a foundation of goodwill before you start trying to deal with a big problem.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘You can’t tackle a big marriage problem unless you have a foundation: build your friendship!'” quote=”‘You can’t tackle a big marriage problem unless you have a foundation: build your friendship!'”]
I’ve written at length on how to build your friendship and do things together, and so I thought today I would link to those posts for you. So here you go: go spend time together, build your friendship, and build up your Love Bank balance!
Building Your Friendship with Your Husband
Reader Question: Help! My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me
Two Player Board Games you Can Play with Your Husband
50 Most Romantic Movies to Watch as a Couple
Dreaming with Your Spouse–Building a Vision Together
Hope these bless you! Now go build your friendship.
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m going to drop the other shoe here. I think it is a good thing that husbands and wives are best friends and enjoy one another’s company. There is a withdrawal aspect involved here too of course. How much time and effort should you expect/demand of your spouse to invest in being your friend? Is that a full-time job, meaning pretty much an exclusive commitment to meeting only your needs perhaps to the exclusion of theirs? When does your expectation go beyond reasonable and into being selfish? When does your need become felt as a demand that smothers your partner. This of course isn’t an issue that only women are prone to, many controlling men are guilty of the same, but for different reasons in some cases.
My thought here is that we are both responsible to find additional resources to help meet those needs. (I recognize but will not get into the emotional affair issue here. Those are not the type of needs I am talking about.) Do you do things with other friends of the same gender? That question, of course, presupposes you have other friends AND THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. It is selfish to expect your spouse to be your only friend: your only playmate. your only sounding board, your only counsel, your only only. They cannot fulfill all of your needs fully all of the time, especially if it means they must neglect their own in so doing. You are then withdrawing while making no deposits against the future rainy days. As Sheila said, the account must stay in balance.
Sheila is correct in saying in effect that life is the enemy to keeping our account in balance. With the time constraints of working, being a wife and mother (home manager), church and other social and civic commitments, it is difficult to cultivate additional friendships so we tend to lean on our spouses. It is both convenient and natural that we would do this, but it creates
what can become a heavy burden. Worse, they may not always be able to meet the need and that will be perceived as a marriage failure, not just a friendship failure.
Do expect and desire your spouse to spend time with you, but don’t make them the only resource to meet all of your needs all of the time. There are, indeed, needs ONLY THEY SHOULD MEET. But going out to eat or shopping, or to a movie when you are down and looking for a distracting pick-me-up is not the exclusive parlance of your spouse. Seek out and cultivate other options for those times when your spouse is not essential to soothing a need so that they may have time for other friendships and interests too. Balance is the key. Also, being realistic, their presence is not forever in this world. You need to accept and plan for that too. Being left behind for a time shouldn’t mean being left alone.
I understand what you’re saying about also needing other friends, and I entirely agree. At the same time, though, it is absolutely imperative that spouses spend some time together just talking. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but they have to have some time to build that goodwill, and the problem is that too many couples just don’t. Everything they talk about is logistics–who’s picking up the kids, who is going to the bank, what we need at the grocery store.
So yes, you’re absolutely right that people need other friends. But too many spouses live almost parallel lives and don’t spend any time together. And you can’t build a relationship out of nothing, you know?
Hi My Live in Boyfriend doens’t really like me to hang out with anyone else too much and i can see my family but he has to be with me yet i cant get him to spend any time with me at home he’s either sleeping, doing stuff outside (which i don’t mind), or running around for his mom (which i do mind cause its every other day). She lives in the same town and guilt trips him cause she helps us out (sometimes, its not all the time), and her husband doesn’t help her with much so he always comes to her rescue. I feel like she sees him more then me and thats sayin alot cause she works alot. So i fight his mom for his attention and if i say anything i get cussed at (by her). She never wants to help watch my kids so me and him can go on a date so we don’t go on dates very often. When i want him to watch a movie at night with me he falls asleep in the LR or goes up to bed. We have sex but not more then twice a week maybe if were lucky. I spend alot of time in the house with my kids and my cats. I am just so lonely and depressed… I know that i’m not being treated right i’m not stupid but i do love him and i just feel like he doesn’t really the same way. I don’t know what the problem is and I can’t really do much about his mother.
I know how you feel. My husband and I used to have an amazing relationship.we spent all of our time together for years and were perfectly happy. We were best friends. Then he started pulling away with no explanation. In the last few months he started doing anything he can to avoid me. He stays at work for 15 hours a day rather than the usual 10 and when he comes home he sleeps or stares at the TV for hours then straight to bed. When he is not working he sleeps until 3 ir4 in the afternoon then back to the usual TV time and bed again.The only time he is even nice to me is when he wants sex and afterwords he’s cold and distant again.He’s always snapping and angry and has started putting me down a lot like calling me retarded and telling me I’m overweight, which I’m not.I’ve tried everything I can think of to try and fix this but no luck.I don’t know what to do. My doctor has me on antidepressants now over this while situation. I never thought that I could ever be this lonely. It’s killing me.My heart feels like its broken into a thousand pieces. I am lost without his friendship. Leaves me feeling like I can’t breath. Wish I could be more helpful to someone else but I’m trapped in my own personal hell right now.
Start getting your own life go out with friends and see what he is like if he is the same think about leaving him life is to short to be unhappy.
This sounds so much like my life but we dont hardly have sex anymore and when we do its all about him. We have bin married for 30years and never in a million years did i think i would be so lost and lonely as i am right now. Ive tried it all ive mad it all about his needs and wants ive tried talking to him i cook his favorite meals ive tried dressing sexy all i get is rejected in some way or fashion he makes me feel not worthy in anything i do.
It breaks my heart to say this, but I’ve been where you are right now…treated as you are…and it was because my husband was having an affair.
I believe he is or has had an affair. Ask him.
I know exactly how you feel I’m going through the exact same thing I can’t get no time with my husband at all when he’s home he’s ither watching tv or sleeping I’m pretty much on the role of giving up especially with 3 kids and doing it alone a lot of the time just like I don’t matter anymore.
I’m so sorry. I do have a free 5-lesson emotional reconnection course that can help. It’s small things you do, a little at a time, that can help you feel closer.
Hi there I do feel what you feel because I’m going through the same thing maybe a little Worster but he says he’s all in my head and I know it’s not he watch TV in the living room I watch TV in the room when we go places is more about him just don’t know what to do with a person like him anymore I feel so much like giving up what I know I need to turn to God and Trust whatever he says other than that just want to be happy but if it’s not with him just be happy with self
Hello Lucy,
There is not much to do there I’m in the same situation with my husband he doesn’t really like to spend time with me he prefer , playing his guitar watching videos on YouTube even tho I beg time for quality time to be spend with he don’t care.
He tell me that my job is to make him unhappy and his life miserable that i can’t see him doing something he loves or enjoys because i always ruin it . I feel so lonely even tho I get busy with my kids and work .. my heart is broken and my self steam is going down we used to have the perfect relationship but now he always cranky we insult each other there is no respect anymore always corsing at each other there is times that I resent him even and said that I hate him so much hoping he gets what he deserves but they I calm down. I don’t really know what to do to make him spend time with. I wish I could help you .’
My husband does not bother with sex at all, he is 62 but not even the closeness. He does not spend time with me but hours on end with ghe computer. We might watch an occasional movid together but whe i try to talk he will cut me off. He does expe t me to listen to him when he is talking whether it is about work or current events.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have been having issues with my husband not spending time with me, and am in tears right now after reading your post.
I was looking at the situation so closely that I lost track of the big picture…our problem is friendship. And I can’t try to talk to someone who’s not a “close friend” about our friendship, without rebuilding our friendship a little bit first.
A few weeks ago I asked my husband if we could have a “date night” once a week so that we could work on our friendship/relationship. We don’t actually go out on a date. We don’t have the money for an actual date or childcare. But we do stay in and watch a movie together or play a game or something. That seems to be helping us. Maybe in time, when one night a week becomes a habit, we’ll choose to do that on a second night. Our date night is tonight. YEAH!
One thing I notice is that often when a woman says she wants her husband to spend time with her, what she really means is that she wants him to spend time with her *doing things that SHE wants to do.* He’d be perfectly happy to spend time with her watching the football game, or fishing, or playing video games together, but she doesn’t want to do those things.
So my suggestion is to take an interest in his interests. If he likes football, but you don’t know anything about it, ask him about it. Ask him to teach you the rules of the game — not when his favorite team is playing, but maybe during another game that he’s not so invested in and he’ll be willing to talk and explain. Go fishing with him, even if you don’t want to fish. You can sit in the boat and read a book, or take your camera and take pictures. Ask him if he knows of any fun two-player video games that you can play together.
The more you demonstrate that you’re interested in the things he’s interested in, the more he will appreciate that and be more likely to reciprocate. You don’t have to LOVE the things he loves — you just have to love that he loves them, and try to understand those things that he loves so you can understand him a bit better.
Absolutely! In fact, I’ve written about that at length elsewhere. It doesn’t matter what you DO–as long as you do something. And that means maybe going to a football game, or taking up an interest in Nascar, or something. You enjoy it just because you’re spending time together, not because of what you’re doing. I talk more about that concept here. Thanks for pointing it out!
Really. I am on year 10 of putting his needs, likes, desires ahead of mine. Guess what, it is still all about him and what he is interested in, I still am doing all the things he likes, fishing, hunting, darts etc. do you think he talks to me when we are alone? Just enough to his needs expressed.. Please don’t pass this one sided life style on to younger women. If he isn’t interesting or interested, pass on him. If his vocabulary is below yours and he isn’t enrolled in school, pass on him, trust all of your internal warning signs – they are not just for danger warnings, they are for compatibility as well. I short changed myself because of lack of confidence. On the up side, my husband is a excellent provider and never gives me cause to worry about his fidelity. So I remain acutely lonesome in the midst of what all of our friends would consider a successful and happy marriage. Yes, I have brought all the downsides to his attention. He is perfectly content. We have a great marriage. Everyone has their ups and downs, so he says. See now, we all know that I am too demanding. I want a daily intelligent conversation – he can pick the topic – that lasts for at least 15 minutes uninterrupted. My mantra- stay committed to the vow, stay committed to the vow, that way when he feels like talking later on this month I will be there to hear it all and provide comfort and empathy for him because that’s the way it is. Thanks for the advice. I can see how that might work for some couples.
I also have a husband who only wants to talk about himself. He works and travels alot so I rarely have any time with him. It is all about his needs, his problems, his difficult staff, his issues, blah blah. I have been married for over 21 years and it has always been like this. I managed with this plus his drinking and going off the rails because of my now teenage kids. But i cannot imagine that when the kids are grown up I will want to spend the remaining half of my life with a thankless, self-centred man like this. I am counting the days to be honest. So Johnsdoe I understand every word you say. I even took up golf (which I dont particularly like) so that I could spend time with him. He never asks me about my day, my problems, my worries. Why did I stay with him so long?
aine omochaina, you and I must be married to the same guy. If someone is only interested in himself, your doing things he likes to do does NOT mean he will reciprocate and try to watch a movie with you, have a glass of wine with you, etc. It all comes down to lack of empathy.
OK, I am a husband who has stumbled onto this website by typing a general search of my woes regarding my wife…yes ladies, there are those of us who want to spend time with you! Since the post was in early 2014 I doubt I’ll get feedback but it helps this morning to get it off of my chest.
My wife owns a successful business that I’ve contributed to financially and labored to decorate, e.g., paint and carpet – not as bi a contribution as the money and I’m not really concerned of either but I paint a picture of my support. As it has grown and she has established herself, it is al she does-I travel during the week and have actually had to live out of town and since she’s chosen to dedicate such long hours, it wasn’t a big deal-she was doing this LONG before my traveling. She has a staff that can work for her on Saturdays and she is closed on Sundays-I ask her why she doesn’t have them run it then so we can have our weekends together, yet she chooses to abandon me-I literally see her twelve waking hours and she is ok with that!
I am not your average bear-I often have dinner waiting on her, clean house, wash clothes, and am asking to do things for her to show I care with the hopes of being awarded some additional time-doesn’t happen. Granted, I am no saint and there are much better than me to be found but certainly I deserve better than this after 25 yrs. I’m to a point where I want to throw in the towel, but quitting is not in my blood however, being alone and not being able to give has all but emptied me of emotion…ladies, needs some help here pls.
I agree with the lady talking about after 10 years her husband still isn’t interested in her likes. I completely agree! You end up feeling very lonely and wondering what the hell happened to YOU a- I feel completely lost as a person and can’t even think what I like after putting mine first
Are we married to the same man?
I am in your exact shoes, but only five years in… good grief! But at least I know what to expect now.
Yes, I too tire of the “you need to be friends and take an interest in what he likes”. I am the one who works to be friends, who listens, who spices things up when they get dull, who always goes the extra mile. When I stop, it all stops. When I try to talk to him about it without blaming anyone, he says “ok” and things never change. It leaves me feeling very lonely and rejected. I get sick of posts that blame either the man or the woman. There are men who try very hard too….just like Rob. I know some of them and watch women give nothing. So please, while I know this is an old post, please stop telling us all the obvious. If we were just happier and perkier and showed more interest and did what he does…things would be miraculous! Please.
I completely understand. I have been married only 10 years and this is how my life has become. He is a great provider and I go and do everything he wants to do but if I mention one thing I wanna do it seems like so much trouble or just too big of an inconvience. He is always either watching TV or talking on the phone to his friends. I am the last person he will answer on the phone if I call or text. He never asks me how my day is or how my week has gone. I always try to make conversation but get shot down. Sex is very rare and I feel like it is just b/c it is something he is suppose to do. I honestly dont know what to do or how to feel anymore. I feel so alone and unhappy.
Agree! I’m sure some women are mostly focused on their jobs, children or their own interests and could use this advice, but most women I know love doing stuff with their husbands as long as they can spend time with them.
My husband will only spend time with me if we are doing his hobbies and interests. I totally got into his hobbies and even some of his jobs without being clingy and continuing with my own friends and interests. After 27 years he will do the odd thing with me now but not gladly. He has spoiled every vacation we have gone on and almost every party I have ever planned. Yet he wants to be with people every day of the week and gets angry if we don’t hang out with people Friday and Saturday night and all day Sunday. He doesn’t understand at ALL why I am hurt by this. He is habitually critical and disrespectful but he thinks because he’s faithful and a good provider, that have no reason to be unhappy. I am so confused because he says he loves me. Why can so many husbands get away with behaving this way? They are even respected and praised for being faithful providers like it’s the biggest accomplishment ever. (I realize I sound a little bitter right now. I tried explaining to him just this morning how I needed alone time with him and he completely brushed me off.)
This exactly. My husband is a great provider, but a lousy friend/teammate. I’ve done everything to be a good friend to him, hoping for reciprocation. I’ve taken on his interests, just to be near him. On occasion, I’ll try to strike up conversation, but he cuts me off and stays I’m annoying him. It’s never the topic because that’s always different. It’s never the timing because I’ve tiptoed around him. He just doesn’t want to be friends with me. He flat out said that he doesn’t have to try perusing me or dating because we’re already married. So I’m constantly alone. He doesn’t even come to bed anymore because he’d rather stay up watching TV or playing video games and he’ll fall asleep in the living room.
I feel neglected, deceived, and taken advantage of, not to mention the shame of falling for someone who changed their tune seemingly overnight.
I’m confused on this. I don’t mind staying home any doing things with my husband. In fact I’m a stay at home mom. I take interests in things he likes. However our issue seems to be when I want to go out ( a movie my family’s down the street) it doesn’t quite matter where the problem is he emotionally withdrawals or treats me with disrespect as a way to act out. I am an outgoing person, I understand he likes to be alone an that is fine. If I choose to go by myself (I often dont. I know this is my issue of reaction) ; I don’t mind. He will poke until I’m upset an we argue an I choose to stay. Or he goes with and is emotionally distant, and or acts out in disrespect when people are around. As if to punish me. I want a happy loving man. I’ve tried giving him what he wants but that only seems to encourage his behavior. Please help
that is my partner right now!!! Whenever I wanna do things he always acts out in disrespect or emotional withdrawal I’ve asked him what the hell does he want. To separate or what cuz i see he doesn’t wanna try anymore so i try to stay busy to not bother him but every morning he’s upset always blaming me for everything. i don’t want to separate yet because we have an almost 2 year old . I just want to be a normal family. is it too much to ask for him to be involved every now and then?
I understand showing an effort (on the wife’s part) about doing things the husband enjoys …. BUT …. that has got to be a two way street – the husband has to do the same …. and to try not to act like it is such a depressing chore, or that he would rather be anywhere else than doing “that” thing his wife enjoys … I have always gone along with my husbands ideas of “fun ” things and usually enjoyed them- and I have even put in the effort (many many times) to arrange things he likes to do , but it is seldom to almost never that he takes me bowling, dancing, to a park concert, a walk around the lake or pond, never took me on a picnic, or out to see the stars,etc … if I suggest these things he balks , puts up excuses why he cant , or goes and acts miserable while doing them … then wonders why I don’t want to cuddle with him,have sex, or be affectionate … its always about him and what he wants ……
I understand the frustration of that, Glo. I really do. Here’s something I wrote about it before.
I’ve read this before, and it totally backfired with my husband. He said he has NO desire for me to get involved in HIS hobbies. He doesn’t want me to sit with him while he watches sports, or take an interest in what he is building, or go fishing with him. He spends every day after work reading on the deck, eats dinner, then goes back outside to read on the deck. He is more of an introvert and needs his time alone, he says.
Then I asked (based on another suggestion I read here), “Hey, can we maybe spend 15 minutes taking a walk 3 or 4 days per week?” His response? No, I don’t want to commit to that much time. So, he can’t “commit” to spending 1 hour out of 168 hours per week with me.
He spends hours per day reading things like the manosphere, instead of living life with his family.
Just want to add that we do SOMETIMES do things together on the weekend, but it’s always on the spur of the moment, what he wants, and it’s usually just taking a long walk — with the kids. I tried to explain that I NEED to spend some time with him (ALONE) regularly, just as much as he NEEDS to spend time by himself every day being an introvert. He says he understands, but nothing changes.
We’ve been married almost 20 years. I never believed in divorce, but I’m so unhappy and nothing I do seems to make any difference. I’ve tried asking directly and non-emotionally, as well as emotionally, nothing seems to work. I think he takes me for granted and only has half his heart in the marriage (thanks in large part to the advice of the manosphere). I try to be a good wife, but I feel so alone in this marriage. I love him, but if things don’t change, I can’t see staying here for another 20 years. I am in pain.
Any advice appreciated.
I will advise u to pray hard. Itz God that truly changes someone’s nature. Ask God to change him. Please don’t consider divorce yet, u have given all ur efforts so now turn to God n I promise u He will perfect all dat concerns ur marriage!
Julie, I’m so sorry. Have you suggested going to see a counsellor? It sounds like your marriage really is in crisis, and having a counsellor or a mentor couple or even another guy come alongside him and say, “you’ve got to man up” may be a beneficial thing.
Do you know what he wants from you? Like could you say, “I’d like 15 minutes a day to walk and talk. What would you like from me?” so that it’s more reciprocated?
I have the same including being tired, trying to make money and stress. I truly have tried everything . I am sad that I think about how I will leave everyday. How many more ways am I waiting for him to tell me I’m not worth the time?
Why is it that in order to be considered important in your husbands life, men suggest that we change nt only our expectations but force ourselves to like what men like….yet never indicate that men should be more considerate of their wives emotions and take their eyes off the tv/computer/phone for 20 minutes a day to do something PRODUCTIVE. Something that enourages communication and progress. Women should not have to settle for simply sitting side by side watching a Cowboys game and only having a grunting every so often response! Why cant men change?
Amanda, that’s a great point! Actually, I’d totally recommend that men do something productive, too–that EVERYONE do something productive! And I totally agree that watching sports constantly is a waste of time and waste of a life.
But here’s the thing: you can’t change someone. You really can’t. But if you get bitter and angry, that builds up walls, and then people tend to retreat from each other. When you start getting along better, then it’s easier to have some of those hard conversations, like “can we agree to limit our TV time on the weekends so we can spend some time as a family?”
I have an article on “why is it always ME that has to change” right here that may clear things up a little. And by changing, I’m not saying that we always have to become nicer or kinder. Sometimes we have to say, “enough is a enough”!
It’s sounds like woman is always the one try to fit men’s needs! It is really sad, but then, we all still trying everything that we can. But what about women’s needs!
I allow my husband to spend time with his friends and never nag him about it but sadly this has placed a huge rift between us.He never seems to spend time with me anymore unless if its having sex.I really feel used because I have no real feelings towards him anymore.
He comes home after midnight after bingeing on alcohol with friends almost everyday and expects everthing to be normal between us.I hear some important things about his life from friends first before he even tells me.
We seem to argue more than we agree these days.
I ask myself what I’m doing wrong.I feel taken for granted and don’t think I can live like this anymore
If you don’t have any kids, get out now. I did this for over 21 years. Men like this will never change and you will end up with only the crumbs while they live their lives thinking that all is ok, you are merely an appendage. if he is really into alcohol, then you are not his first love. Check out an al-anon website and read more.
You are so right. I am in the same position – married for over 15 years. It is a very lonely marriage. He helps around the house but there is no personal connection anymore. I get bitter and how could I not? I had high hopes for my marriage. It feels as if I have wasted my time and energy.
I have been married for 2years, together for 6. We have 2 children, 4 & 1. I feel at my wits end about this, my husband is ALWAYS on his ps4 chatting & playing with other guys & I feel like I mean nothing anymore. He works 32hrs a week and would play roughly 50hrs+ a week on the ps4. Spends rare to no time with his 2 daughters and same with me. I sit around and try to talk to him, explain how I feel and all I get is he likes doing his own thing, he works so deserves his ‘days off’ and ‘it’s not like I’m going out every wknd & getting drunk’ speech each & every time. I am so disappointed in him as a father but he would never understand, he swears so bad not only in day to day conversations but to them & about them, our eldest has repeated the words numerous times which breaks me as a mother because all I want is the best for my children, naturally. He gets cranky very easily and yells & even speaks down to our daughters, especially our eldest, calling her names, even to her face, like dumb little girl, stupid & f*cking retard. She cries & runs to me or gets attitude (which I fear) and then cops it worse from her father like smacks or more abusive words. Every so often he tells me he is depressed and he ‘can’t do it anymore’ and I have tried over & over again to get him to see someone or even just go to the dr, but he never gets around to it. What do I do? I love him, as the father to our 2 children, as the man I married & took a vow to stick through thick & thin & to the man who I once made wonderful & awesome memories, laughing & passion & love. But am I still in love with him? I don’t think so. Am I being selfish for not trying harder considering we have only been married 2 years? Am I being lazy because I am not waiting for a few years to go by to see & hope things get better?? I am confused, lost, lonely, sad, uncomfortable in my own home. Please anyone who has advice or anything, I’m exhausted & really don’t know the right next step.
Megan, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It does sound really difficult, and it sounds like you need to start setting some firm boundaries whenever he swears at the children or at you. A good book for that is Boundaries in Marriage. I also have written two posts on video games in marriage, which you can read here (the second post is linked at the bottom in an update). I hope those help! But it does sound like you need to start setting some boundaries for sure.
Women take the time to learn your man…figure him out and use what you learn to your advantage. If he doesn’t want to spend time with you then dig up an old male friend or distant male cousin who will (make sure its someone he doesn’t recognize or know. ..but be sure it’s not someone that you are physically or emotionally attracted to or you will be asking for trouble). His eyes will suddenly open. And if he plays video games all day then you start going out and doing the things you like before you cook his dinner. Feed the kids and start heading out the door…you’ll get his attention (unless he really knows how to cook). And stop chasing after him for attention and start being noticeably gone. Also, don’t give up sex so readily…make him work for it just a little bit. …make sure you give it to him but just not as fast as you always do….and maybe do it somewhere new….someplace different.
Rent a motel room if you can afford it…and if he’s always on top, switch it up, unless that is not your particular skill set.
Variety is the spice of life. Women have the most variety on the planet…we are already doctors and nurses and lawyers without a single degree. We are strong enough to carry and raise our young…and are soft and kind enough to love and nurture them. Your man is a puzzle that you need to solve…juSt sit back and watch him…observe him and pray to God to show you the answer….What worked for the lady next door and her husband may not work for you and your husband. Her husband might be sensitive to her needs, your husband might not be so easy to decipher. And why does the man always have to initiate sex? Do you not want him sexually? Is he not sexually attractive to you?…was he ever? I’m sure he’s probably thinking and wondering the same thing, but most of the time he’s not going to admit it.
Anyway, if you want to keep on getting what you’ve been getting, then just keep on doing what you’ve been doing …but, if you want something to change then you have to change the way you approach the situation.
My husband is a nice and caring guy. And I know he loves me. But I feel quite detached from him nowadays. He’s always busy on his tablet or computer chatting with friends. Either chatting with someone on the phone or rambling over whatsapp and facebook. It’s depressing cos whenever I try to talk to him, he never responds. I need to repeat myself 5 -6 times, and he still doesn’t respond. On the other hand, if it’s someone very ‘interesting’, like someone who’s come with a business proposal, he’d be all ears. He’s totally lost in the world of his gadgets. We’ve been married for 5 years. But we’ve never gone for an outing. The thought of going out to spend some quality time with me makes him feel lethargic. On the other hand, if his friends call him for a bachelors party, he’d happily bounce out of the house and return very late, drunk. This happens on most weekends. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel about what’s happening, but he doesn’t give a damn and keeps doing this over again.
On our first anniversary, he promised we’d go out, but instead got drunk and broke his promise. When I tried to tell him how I feel, he blasted at me after which I promised myself I’d never go out with him. Ever.
I feel like I’ve been taken for granted. Unimportant. Detached and distant. I know he loves me, I love him too. But what’s happening now is getting out of hand. I feel that we hardly talk to each other nowadays. Cos he’s always buried in his gadgets. Above all, it makes me feel lonely in our relationship.
Megan, you need to leave this guy. Your husband is verbally abusive and childlike irresponsible. Get out while your girls are still young, before their father messes them up totally.
Honestly, I do take a huge interest in my husbands hobbies, interests, and activities. However, I really don’t feel like he tries to show an interest in mine. Our activities and infrequent date nights revolve around what he wants to do. I would be happy going to the farmers market or the lake or a dinner at home at the table just the two of us but he has no interest in those things and always “forgets” that I requests those or planned them. Now, going to a drag race or car show or movie, he is all for. I have even stopped planning romantic dinners for two which is really hard when you have 5 kids and 1 has very intense special needs but I make a huge effort. It does feel very lonely and like I have lost myself in my marriage. He does things around the house and is a good provider but I am having trouble getting past the lack of interest as well as a disregard of my interests. I am more than a housekeeper and mother. I wonder if I just never noticed this before we got married or overlooked it or if he did all of that to win me but now doesn’t have to try. What is worse is he did all that stuff and even planned vacations to surprise his first wife so it really hurts that I get much less from him. I just don’t know how to peak his interest in my life like I do in his and I am tired of trying so hard to fit into his world. Feels like parallel lives most of the time. Please tell me there is a way out of this mess!
I myself am a married woman. My husband and I been together for four years and been married for three. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. At some point in our marriage things became rocky and it was so bad on both ends we spoken divorce, and I must admit the last go round took everything within myself. (Breaking point) I was begging him to give me our marriage another try. Now I’m far from a control freak but I feel like can’t no single man or woman give a married man or woman advise about marriage if they never been married and I also feel it is always a good thing I spend time with people of the same. Let me explain. People that are married and who is aiming to have a healthy marriage. This best friends of his always been a issue in our relationship. My husband always running to his rescue every time he calls or text him. Now that we are at this place in rebuilding our marriage my husband spends more time at his best friends house or hanging our with him and it is making me resistant towards my husband. I have shared with him that it isn’t fair that we are suppose to be working on our marriage and he is jumping up barley at home because of this best friend. We are only 31 but I’m very wise for my age and I take marriage seriously. I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m starting to feel like maybe we need to go our separate ways because maybe this isn’t what he wants anymore.
I have been married to my husband for 13 years, and I am constantly amazed ad how many obsessions and bad decisions he can make regarding pretty much everything. He was an atheist, had a job, and loved airplanes and flying when we married. All of that was fine with me. Now, he has joined a terrible cult-church that I absolutely hate, has not had a job in almost 10 years, and has given up his love of flying for other obsessions, one after another. He has never really been interested in doing anything for me, and he just feeds his own ego and desires. It took me a while to realize this. I should have figured it out when he would not even buy me a wedding ring. I had to buy it for myself because he conveniently had no money for such “stupid” things at the time. I have tried participating in his “stuff” for years only to find that he doesn’t want my company and he just dismisses me as stupid. I got my pilot’s certificate and we used to fly together. Now he wants nothing to do with it. I have paid for this and that and something else, and it never ends. He lost his job and just decided he was going to retire early and let me work until the day I die while he does whatever his heart desires. I try to set boundaries, but he just runs over me and treats me as if I am stupid if I say anything against his endless obsessions.
The religion thing is the last straw. He joined this horrible church a couple of years ago against my wishes, and it seems to be his excuse to do absolutely nothing for me. He goes to church one day every weekend and won’t do anything else. We can’t ever go on a vacation or do anything because it would interfere with his church. This church also dictates that he will not observe any personal or (what they call) pagan holidays. They see Christmas as pagan as well as Easter and of course Valentine’s day. They also don’t allow their members to observe birthdays or anniversaries. Simply put, He can no longer be bothered to do anything for me. We never go out – not even to dinner or a simple movie. He can’t be bothered and never suggests. When I suggest he never feels like it. He was never much for doing anything for anyone but himself, but this religion now gives him all the justification he needs to do absolutely nothing for anyone outside of this group. They also want … wait for it… 30% of our (my) income! I have categorically refused to allow this, but he then lies and steals from me to give money to the church. We are so very broke all the time as it is, and now he is stealing from me to give to this church. We have nothing for retirement, and he could not care at all since he thinks that I will work to support him until the day I die.
Nothing I do is right in his eyes, and he makes comments and gives me attitude (rolls his eyes, or makes snotty comments) to make it very clear that he thinks I am stupid. When he wants to be nice, he can be a very sweet guy, but the problem is that any more he is only nice when he wants something from me. I just feel like I am being used and that there is nothing in this marriage for ME. That sounds horribly selfish, but I just feel like I give and give and give and get nothing at all in return from him but very rare sex. He is not really mean, he just simply ignores me until he wants something or wants to talk at me.
I’m 54 years old and I just don’t want to go back to being alone, but I just can’t take this any more. I just don’t see that there is any hope for us since he just seems to have no interest in anything for me, only for himself. I just keep getting more and more depressed that my entire life has been wasted and that I will never have a real husband who does not treat me like I am his personal caretaker, banker, cook, maid and whore.
Gail, I don’t think you could get any more alone than you are now. Get out and rediscover yourself. You wont look back! x
I have been married for 4 years now and my husband from day one was always my friend. There were times when i would say to him go and play golf with someone and he will say to me no thanks you are my friend and i would rather go with you. We actually have the same interests except Golf which i would rather Caddy for him than rather play. The only one problem in our marriage is we would have a HUGE revolving fight every 3 months which would always end up threatening in Divorce. After my Pastor counselled us it was brought to my attention how disrespectful i would talk to my husband and i did not submit to him as per the Bible. I still didn’t understand Biblical Submission but I have been meditating on Gods Word and numerous blogs on the internet to get more clarification. For a month now i have started implementing more respectful talk and submission to my husband. AND now the problems begin………………. My husband wants nothing to do with me any more. If he has ANY free time during the day he wants to spend it with his unbeliever cousin which is also up until recently his business partner. One of our marriage rules which we both have established was no business with family. We tried it before and it was always a disaster. Needless to say against my objections he has opened a business with his cousin. My husband picks him up in the morning, they drive around together and he is often late to get home because he has to drop his cousin back off at him. I try respectfully request alternatives to things that i can see are damaging to our marriage and all he says is sorry but he keeps doing it. I go out of my way to do ALL the things he enjoys so he can spend time with me but he says i have no place with him and his “business partner”. Like this morning their meeting was cancelled so they have a open morning so my husband arranges to play golf with his cousin – my husband did not ask if i wanted to do something else, he did not ask if i wanted to go with and when I ask may i accompany them i get asked why on earth must i come with? I even suggested i will push his Golf cart and i will sit at another table if they want to discuss business. I get told his cousins wife does not come with so why must i? I have never heard these words out of my husbands mouth before. So my question is what on earth must i do if my husband doesn’t want to spend time with me even if I want to do the things he wants to do? I have never felt so alone in my life and it feels as if my best friend has died. I do not have other friends and the only reason is they just fall away – i seem to always arrange get togethers and after a while of me putting all the efforts i just stop. For 5 years we have not seen or spoken to his cousin (my husbands choice as his cousin is not a good influence) and now all of a sudden they are best friends. We are under a bit of financial strain so i understand my husband trying all means like partnering up with his cousin to bring in an income (i am a stay at home mom and i am a partner in my husbands first company) but to completely shut me out i just don’t understand. Worse of all when i confront my husband in a respectful way i just get told its their business and during the week its business time (even on the Golf course) apparently. He says he spends time with me on the weekends and thats enough. I would understand if i was clingy and smothering him but 9 times out of 10 i let him do his own thing as i have a two year old to take care of but when my son is in school just for the morning it would be nice if my husband has a spare minute to spend it with me instead. Am i asking too much? I am going to be completely honest it feels as if God has completely forsaken me in this marriage. I pray everyday for a change in me because i know God can change my husband through my meek and quiet spirit and for my husband to be more in line with Gods word because he is clearly not loving me as Christ loves the Church – A sacrificial love. But the more i obey God the more my husband pushes me away. He also used to love house maintenance but now i must do things myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I could really use the advice of a wiser Christian women. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel as though my husband doesn’t want to spend time with me. He has a pool league that he plays 2 nights per week on, and a game night once per week, and then last week another one if his friends started hosting a game night once a week. So now my husband is going out every Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, and Tuesday night. We also have an almost 1 year old son.
I have tried making sure the house is clean and dinner is cooked (although these are obviously always goals it can be difficult with a baby) but it doesn’t seem to increase his desire to be at home. I tried talking to him and explaining that I want him to enjoy time with his friends but I feel that 2 nights a week is plenty. He doesn’t understand why I need him home if he spends Sat/Sun daytime with me and says that I would be in bed most of the time he goes out anyway. I have tried to participate in these things with him but his game nights are Dungeons and Dragons–a role playing game that I just could not get into as much as I tried. As for the nights he has pool, I could go, but it’s really hard because I spend the whole night (6pm-11pm or midnight) holding my son because he obviously can’t just crawl around on the floor there. Plus he won’t sleep there so he gets cranky and goes to bed very late on those nights.
I just feel as though I have tried numerous times to voice my feelings in a respectful manner but it seems like he doesn’t care. What do I do now? Where do I go from here?
Hi Samantha,
I am truly sorry about your predicament but know that you are not alone as I am sure every woman has gone through this with their husbands. I am still going through this if you see my post before yours but my predicament is that I would like to participate in my husbands activities but he doesn’t want me there. I am not going to assume I know the answer to your problem as i can barely get through mine but from my last post beginning of April till now i have seen massive change in my life. So I am going to tell you my story and maybe you can see you and your marriage in parts of mine that can maybe help you.
As you have seen in my post my husband always did everything with me up until February this year when everything changed since he went into business with his cousin. I cant tell you how many days i have just cried and cried, how lonely i have been and felt like a single parent raising my now 2 1/2 year old by myself. Well one day i had enough and i climbed into my cupboard and told the Lord i will not leave here until he tells me what the heck is going on and if it will end. I didnt even want a date i just wanted to know if it will end. Well i sat there until i almost passed out and received no special message. Boy was i upset and the tears started again. Well the next couple of days were very interesting and painful as God revealed to me memories of how i was treating my husband. Now i am not going to say it was ALL my fault as my husband is human and a sinner but us wives have NO IDEA how powerful we are in the marriage. We can really make or break or husbands with how we speak and act towards them. I am not going to go into all the details but God showed me enough to make me realise that i was acting as my husbands mother and Holy Spirit. That is not what a wife is supposed to do – We are there helpers just as the Holy Spirit is our helper. It sounds silly really but a wives role is very important.
So to make a long story short i have totally backed off my husband. I have left him for God and the Holy Spirit to convict and correct. All that comes out my mouth is support and encouragement. Is this fair to me? Heck no but the fact is if i moan and groan and complain and even ask nicely for him to come home early all i will get is my husband pulling away. Has things improved in a month since i have been doing this? Again heck no its seems to be getting worse but as Joyce Meyer says there is always a storm before the calm. The difference is me – I have changed. My husband came home late the other day playing Golf with his cousin even after i told him i am making his favourite dinner of roast chicken etc……. HE STILL CAME HOME LATE!!!! did i freak out? Sure i wanted to throw my dinner all over him but i smiled, welcomed him home with a big hug and kiss. Asked how his Golf went and his scores, the difficult holes etc….. I dished in his food and even rubbed his feet after a long day of playing Golf. Well it felt as if i was drinking poison but before bed he took me in his arms, apologised profusely that he was late and since then has been home much earlier than usual. If i had given in to my feelings and started a fight i guarantee you i would have pushed him away and he would have come home late everyday. Its childish for men to react this way but they do this THEY ALL DO THIS!!!
So in your case i would suggest back off him totally (unfair i know but try it out you have tried everything else), encourage him to go. When he comes home ask him all the details how it went. In your case if he does want you with him (mine didn’t) then one day a week organise someone to watch ur little one and go with him. It will be good for you as well to take a break.
Another thing you can try do is one night you know they are playing games, you organise a date night for you and him. Take him to his favourite restaurant and watch a movie you know he will watch. I know yet again it is us women doing all the work first to change our husbands but i can assure you it works.
All i can say is and don’t shoot me for saying this but be grateful that he would like you with him on game nights (i know baby makes it hard to go). Also be grateful he is not out drinking with his buddies, flirting with other woman or going to strip clubs!! There is a silver lining that you must cling to and it will turn around i promise. I am not going to lie it is a diffuclt journey to undertake. I fight constantly with my feminist in me that screams UNFAIR but i have tried every tactic in the book from crying, to manipulation to screaming and fighting to even asking nicely. The fact is whenever you asking them to not do something they really want to do just makes them more determined to do it. With my husband he avoided home at all costs as i would either fight with him or correct him and give him my opinion when he is trying to tell me about his day and the best one is to dump my child on him as i was a stay at home mom and needed a break, Yes i did need a break but if i just gave my husband 30min to unwind from work he himself starts playing with my son out of his own and therby giving me a break. Its somewhat like reverse psychology – support him and encourage him when he wants to go play even though you are screaming inside. He is going to start thinking this is super weird why is my wife happy for me to go? I have just noticed the more my husband sees i need him the more he pulls away but once i started letting go of him he started wondering what’s going on. He has been home more than ever before and its a journey i am still going thru but i am seeing improvement. We now play board games together at night or watch a movie BOTH of us want to see. I now make my home more fun than his cousin or golf. 🙂 I have started playing Golf myself (i actually like it) and he now asks me to come with him on the Golf Course. Like i said i am not a professional and i am still going through my journey and i am not saying i am right but this is what works for ME. I am sure i am going to have alot of negative feminist comments about what u said but regardless it worked for me and since men are hardwired more or less the same i can assure you it will help you as well. But by all means fight, scream, manipulate or threaten to Divorce him or even actually leave and ask for space taking your child with you ( I did all of this and more). All i received was a stubborn hard hearted husband who pulled further and further away from me.
My last bit of advice is lean on God for ALL your needs (emotional, spiritual etc..) Ask Him to see you through this because it is not easy and you will want to give up but He will support and strengthen you. Ask him to change you and grow in your faith. I have entered a new level in my walk with God that i actually relish the time my husband is away from me. I can then study the Bible with my two year old playing on the floor. I play Christian music and me and my son sing together. Do i question often what’s the point of this marriage if i never see my husband? Yes everyday but I keep smiling, keep encouraging and i have seen change. Small change but change nonetheless. Why did God give us this wife role? Why are WE meant to give birth and menstruation and and and. Because we are stronger than men – He can handle more and we are naturally closer to God as we are not driven by ego and pride. The Bible says a quiet and meek spirit can change your husband. Does this mean never speak up and be a doormat?? NO BUT where i am in my journey i cannot speak up just yet as it pushes my husband away. Until the Holy Spirit prompts me to say something in correction I just encourage and support. It has now come to the point where my husband asks for MY advice!!!
There is this song that says He knows every hurt and every sting, He’s walked the suffering He knows. The Lord knows and sees that you are lonely and hurting but he needs us on His team for change to happen.
I hope this has helped a little and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your little one. It seems grossly unfair that we wives must tolerate all this and change first as God sees fit to change us but your marriage will come in line and one day you will look back on this as a new stronger woman in Christ.
Thank you for sharing your story. I often times feel and think no one but God understand. I need to pray more and ask for God’s direction dealing with my husband.
I am a man who reads these type of comments and scoffs at the women who think,”All Men Do This!”
I am sorry you feel this way. But you are wrong. About 19 out of 20 men ARE as you say, but 5 out of 100 are not.
Those few of us left are able to find these sites and read your posts so we can learn and develop our relationship skills with our wives.
I am working towards a new relationship with my best friend and wife. I put her before my every need and ask her if I may join her in activities around the house. We have a two year old and I do my share of poopy diapers and taking care of him so she can have some alone time. I try to tell her every day that I love her. We have been married 3 years now and the time has gone fairly quick. Seems like we have only been together for a few months but I know better. She is everything to me. My whole world.
I feel I am the strain in our marriage and I am striving to rectify that by searching the web for “like” problems, and “replies”. I tell my wife everything and it has seen us through many trials. I feel that honesty is key and integrity is also key to our marriage. Yes, we have our adversity in our lives and our struggles to overcome but we are taking them step by step, day by day.
So, NO! We are NOT all alike. All men do not act this way. Some of us have a few brain cells left after our rebellious teenage drinking years. Then it took a few of us a long time to grow up. I am 50 and my wife is 36.
We each have a child from a previous relationship so that helps us see problems our other may have.
Thank You for you encouraging words. I feel the same way too! The more I prayed and wanted to come close to God, my husband and I would fight and grow farther apart. I pray and pray for God to change him. Now, I’m going to focus on me and how I respond to him with God’s help. I know that God is making me a better person by carrying me through this experience. Thank You again for sharing your experience. Loads of love from one Sister in Christ to another.
My husband and I have been married for 10 year together for 19 , we were young when we got together we have 3 children 17, 16 and 11. We dont spend any time with each other even though where sat in the same room. He’s always playing games on his phone , if i talk i can tell he aint even listening i feel so alone . Is it over ?
I have been married for a little over six years. One thing that has been bothering me for a long time is the fact that he never wants to plan for vacations or go on weekend getaways. He always make an excuse why we can’t go. From a guy’s perspective why doesn’t he want to stay overnight anywhere?
How can I get my husbond to spend time with me. He would much rather play his video gam we on his phone. He has spent 1000.’s of dollars on it but spent 0 on our 24th anv. I need advice!!! Can anyone help me? ??
Ladies-if only husbands knew. I think men assume that whenever they come around, i.e., grow up, she will still be there in the “spend-time-together” mode and I’ll get on board. As a man, I cannot offer advice as I don’t understand their behavior – I feel your pain with the exceptions of the video games, leagues, getting drunk, etc. My wife’s addiction is her business and I’ll curse the day I encouraged her to open it (forget the $$ spent to help do so)…I see her for twelve hours on Sunday. She has a staff and the options of taking time off on weekends but chooses not to.
I so wish we were all sitting around a room so we could talk face to face – this is so therapeutic!
Rob, thanks for your comments on here I am reading with interest although it may be some time ago now, I’d be interested to see how things have moved on for you? I’m in the UK. I have just started to go out more having got our small boys to an age where I can now look at my own needs a bit more as the youngest will start pre-school soon (nearly 2). I have spent maybe a year since our second with no sex and getting it of the ground and any really friendship or trust off the ground is so painful. I seem to be the one that has to do all of the broaching it. I felt I was instigating things but it’s all on his terms. He could ignore me for days. It’s the no touching or kind words and deeds that is the killer. If I explain that too him he goes the other way. He picks fights then goes off to drink in secret. Such a shame. He’s just stopped loving me and as I have felt that and tried to fix it that sent him the other way. Now just recently I starting socialising more and tring to get any fun back in my life. I would much rather be playing with him in the bedroom but I am feeling so low at the constant ignoring and rejection despite I just started to have fun. I wasn’t looking for anything and won’t be unfailthful but it is amazing once I started to claim my life back I have had so many guys coming over to me and even when pointing one to my very attractive sister he persisited in persuing me! So that is all very nice but not the sort of thing I want to come into my relationship, except the having harmless fun socialising. MY husband made an effort when he realised I had been going out a lot and stared to get new friends make and female that he was concerned. He cried. And then, he really wanted me again, but it has been shortl lived. I can’t afford to be out all the time, but he only seems to respond to the risk of loosing me. Which is just a risky business and I am finding it heartbreaking when I just want to have fun with him because I just don’t really get jealous to be honest, I know I could handle a situation if something cropped up and I guess that confidence protects oneself. So, how do I keep it happy and not so edgey and risky between my husdband and I? Everything got really exciting and now is so flat again because he said he would do anything to stay together but only acted on this when he thinks I am not interested in him.
NY husband and I live in the same house but we never talk or date it feels like I have a roommate. I always try to talk to him but he ignores me but will talk if he wants me to bring him something and that’s not often. Any advise?
more love means more understanding
Sheila,
Would you by any chance have this article in Spanish? My dear friend is having problems with her marriage, and your article stated so very well a good solution. She is not the type to see the big picture, and I have been struggling myself getting through to her about it (because of our language barrier). Thank you for your help.
I am having a problem with my husband he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore we’ve been married for 19 years and he gets really annoyed with me I love him but it’s so annoying when I get the brush off from him he constantly yells at me I think that he doesn’t find me attractive he never wants to have sex with me does anyone else have this problem or is it just me?
All of this would be great. But the problem is that my husband WON’T spend time with me. He absolutely will not no matter if I make the plans beg nothing works. He actually made plans for our 21st anniversary and cancelled them the day before to go to the track with the guys. That’s after he refused he didnt forget he refused to celebrate our 20th. I spend every evening even weekends alone. I go to bed alone every night. He has plenty of friends and if he’s not working hes hanging with them. Yet I rarely have time or money to do anything for myself. Much less with friends. He will tell me to go but either constantly brings up how I went and did whatever or makes it impossible to begin with. Maybe some husbands are just controlling jerks that have no intentions on ever being our friend.
Good Morning. I am seeing a lot of good suggestions and info here. However, our situation seems a little of all. I have been out of work on workers comp for two and a half years. My husband works graveyard and my kids are 15, so their at school during the day. I am so alone all the time. I do not really have any friends I hang out with. One friend every once in a while. I am not a drinker and she is. I was raised by my dad mainly. So I do guy stuff like fishing, hunting, 4×4 in mud, shooting, ect. and I enjoy it. My husband doesnt like doing those things. He likes to sit in the bedroom away from the family and watch TV or play video games. He calls this his Me time. My Me time is doing the above listed things while hes asleep. He goes to bed in the morning about 8am and gets up about 4pm. When he wakes up he walks out into the livingroom then walks back to the bedroom where he stays for about an hour and a half playing video games. He will then come out to eat dinner, then go back into the bedroom and go back to sleep. Yesterday we got into a huge arguement about it because i just couldnt take the lonliness anymore. We spent 4 hours arguing. It ended with me moving all my stuff out of our bedroom because im only in there to sleep. During the day I have to creep in and out of the room to get what i need as to not wake him. Why is he pissed? Because my dresser was his TV stand. Not joking! I am also on the depo prevera shot so my sex drive is low to non exsistent. However, I try anyways once every couple weeks. But its not just the depo. If I am not feeling loved or wanted why would I want to have sex? I completely understand I get my Me time. He just told me yesterday that since im not working (even though I am in constant pain) I am expected to do all of the house and kid stuff. And I mean everything!! To him all he has to do is go to work and walk around doing security patrols. No hard labor ever involved. Just walking around. I know his job because i was the manager for the company he works for. So, theres no wool over my eyes there. I cant get him to do anything with me. Due to the medications I have to take, I cannot play video games with him. On Norco and muscle relaxers you dont have good hand eye corordination. He also doesnt do anything with the kids. He wont take them anywhere. Even to the grocery store because he cant listen to the type of music he wants beacause their 15. I am the one who has taught my boys to work on their bikes, fishing, and shooting. He used to love to go shooting, but that is no longer. I am not in fear of infidelity. Thats totally not the issue. He did say hes willing to see a marriage counselor. I know that sounds great, right? How can he make time for that but not to just sit with me and talk, is my question. I want our friendship back and our loving relationship. His days off are mainly in the bedroom too.
This blog really helped my marriage. My husband and I work opposite shifts, both full time and have 2 kids which I have to watch primarly. Whenever he was around my first instinct was “Yes I finally get some help” instead of “Yes I finally get to spend some time with him”. I was that thinking it which from this article I realized that was the reason why he would make plans instead of spending the time off we both had together with me. I thought it was he just didn’t want the responsibility of the father and he no longer loved me, but really it was a misunderstanding on both our behalfs. He didn’t know I felt like that and I didn’t know what he was feeling and it took a major break down for it to all come out which lead me to searching for this article. I had never thought the reason might be we forgot how to be friends ( also I recommend the building your friendship with your husband article, there is great advice on how to fix it if you find yourself in this situation.) I just wanted to personally thank you, you may have saved my marriage 🙂 and for that I am grateful.
Oh, that’s so wonderful! Thank you so much for the encouragement. That really means a lot to me! 🙂
I just want to get someone else opinion. I want to go to a concert to see my favorite band of all time, and I want it to be just me and my husband. Is that selfish? None of my friends really like this band and my husband acts like he cant have a good time unless we invite other friends. Every time we do something it is always with other couples and I want this once in a life time event to go see MY favorite band to be just with him. We are having a huge disagreement about it to the point where I just decide not to even go. So I will most likely never get to see my favorite band live. What do others think? Am I being selfish and stupid?
Having my husband do something with me won’t ever happen. We did one thing together we got married! That’s the only thing and that happened almost 50 years ago. Since nothing has happened between us, we don’t even live under the same roof. Since day one the only thing he has done was work on the midnight shift almost every day! Worked all holidays, weekends, all his vacation time any time he could be away. He did do all the chores around the house mow the yard, paint the house and when I had a problem he would fix it only when he knew I wasn’t home. Other wise he would stay cooped up in his work shop, garage apartment out back of the house. I’ve been asked many time why do I put up with all this, and I have to admit I just don’t why. Now in our 70’s where do I go, not happy but I do have good benefits, a real nice house, food, clothes an older car that just runs fine. I have no other family to go to, and all my friends have there own life. So one day it will be all over and it will be just another story.
Your story is similar to mine. My husband puts his work and his life before everything. He has no idea about marriage and commitment. We’ve been married 25 years and he’d rather drink with mates or strut about at work than come home to me.
Yes! This has totally hit home base for me! We have small kids I stay at home with them all day. I wait on him hand and foot and take orders. It has gotten me no where. He tells me I do nothing and gets into a bad funk. Its hard for me to shake it. Being at home I’m constantly taking care of everyone’s every needs but my own. I skip at least 2 meals a day, nothing is good enough. He works a fair amount of hours and I help with the bussiness at home, but I never get conversation and just demands. I ask to leave for a few hours on his days off but he takes my idea and runs with it himself. He always is leaving to be with his friends. I don’t feel like an equal but like a live in housekeeper. Its lonely being a stay at home mom your world gets so little. When it comes to intimacy I’m suppose to put on a big show, but inside I feel like I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.
Wow I can’t believe this boat is so full! All in similar situations. After 20 years and kids grown the problems are more exacerbated. The ideas here of doing something he likes are good. But can’t it go both ways? I feel like a cheerleader having to come up with things to do so we can spend time together, and often feel he can’t wait to get home to run back to the computer. I can go out and do things and he quite frankly wouldn’t care. I had a job where I traveled and thought that would help as when I wasn’t at home I at least didn’t have the expectation of doing something together. It was a self protection move. When I was travelling he wouldn’t even be bothered if we spoke orb texted. He never answers texts and phone is always on vibe. So if I wanted to talk to him I had to keep calling which made me feel even more ridiculous.
Now I’m looking for a job and lost whether to continue traveling or face the music at home and how the heck to deal with this as I’m quite tired of cheerleading.
Praying is what has kept me in it and glimpses of how it was and could be again.
How do you build friendship when “your husband *doesn’t* *want* to spend time with you”? Or rather doesn’t even want you to spend time with him? (Trying to involve yourself in his life, his hobbies, and interests, because he has no care for your life or interests.) As if your mere presence is a bother to him. And you’ve talked about it, cried about it, prayed about it, and even received some counseling on it, but things continue to go back the same. Wouldn’t it be best to just come to a place of acceptance that this is the reality?
The Lord has told me 3 things over the years- 2 in dreams and 1 by the Holy Spirit and then the exact words confirmed by another person who knew nothing of the situation. Verbatim, He said 1. In a dream I received a letter from God saying “I have given you grace for heartache.” 2. A dream a woman who dealt with similar situation told me “I won him back with me love” and 3. “It’s not *required* for him to love you, for you to love him.”
But this doesn’t make things easy, I still have disappointment and heartache. I try my best to start each day afresh and continually give this to the Lord. But how do I show love to him? I battle resentment and hurt. When I do make the effort, it is not received.( As far as trying to build relationship) I guess all I can do is show kindness in my words and give acts of service when he is around, but just let him be for the rest of the time that he stays in his office watching YouTube videos for hours on end every day. Just not bother him and focus only on my relationship with the Lord and my children. Any thoughts?
I’m sorry, Tina. So sorry. It sounds like you are walking through so much, and there aren’t easy answers. I guess if God is saying that He’s given you grace for heartache, then that’s your answer. But it’s not a happy one. That’s when you likely need a lot of friends and support around you! I’m sorry.
I just want to say the strangest thing happened the very day I posted my comment here. After weeks of feeling that way (of course I’ve battled it on and off for years, but the last several weeks were progressively difficult) my husband suddenly from the moment he woke up through the entire day expressed love to me and and our family in tangible ways. He put his arm around me, hugged me, looked into my eyes when I spoke to him, and listened with a warm, gentle smile. He took us out for dinner and we went grocery shopping as a family and it was all very enjoyable!
That night I came to him with the way I’d been feeling and how sure I had been that he didn’t love me or enjoy me to suddenly experience what I did that day. And we had a nice long talk. He apologized and admitted he needs to grow in the area of showing affection and various ways of expressing love, but he assured me that he does love me and that his feelings have never changed on that. We have completely different love languages of course- acts of service for him and physical touch for me, so it doesn’t always occur to him to express what makes me feel loved in the busy-ness of life I guess. On top of that his own family was not very affectionate and also dysfunctional, he was the 9th child of 10 so everyone was always too busy. Whereas I was an only child and received all of my parents affection.
So seeing this helped me in many ways. I may never fully understand our differences and that is ok, I don’t have to, but knowing he is trying and is hearing me makes a world of difference.
I just want to encourage anyone else going through something similar to never let go and never give up. There is always light at the end of every tunnel you may go through. Just hang in there and wait on the Lord. (As many times as it takes!) And communication really is key- learn to communicate your heart effectively and respectively!
My husband will only spend time with me when it involves alcohol. His friends get drunk I don’t so I am no fun. He doesn’t understand that I don’t want to hang out with him and his friends while they are drinking and they always drink. What do I have to say to drunk people? I deal with people all day at work and just want one time a week for him to plan a date night so we can be alone but that is too much to ask. We may end up divorced because I will not go into the next stage of my life with a man who prefers his friends to me and who will spend hours and hours and hours with his friends but will not take an hour to plan a date night with me. I deserve better. I have loved before and I will love again. Sad though that I mean so little to him after so many years.
I have lived with an alcoholic for over 30 years. Alcohol is his first love, not me, although he claims otherwise. His actions are louder than his words. I wish I could help you decide what to do but I do not know myself. It’s a very lonely marriage when a selfish partner takes the lead. I do my best to keep busy but I can see us drifting further and further apart. Sometimes, I don’t even make eye contact with him because he has hurt me so much. He sees it as his right and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want him to be happy. It’s so frustrating to even try to talk about it.
I am not really sure what is normal anymore. After many years of marriage, I am starting to see that it is more one sided than I ever realized. The kids are grown and I thought at this point we would be closer since it’s just the two of us. We are anything but. We would be much closer if I liked getting drunk 7 nights a week or talking about baseball or going fishing. Early in our marriage, we did all the things he wanted, so I guess he feels it’s his right for me to continue. Even while raising the kids, he took a back seat and wanted to be left out of any tough decisions we needed to make as a couple. Instead, he forced me to be the bad guy while he went off in another room and picked up his guitar or went outside to find something to do. Years ago, he started to have a problem with being able to have sex. His doctor said it was something we needed to work out, in that it is not medical. He was prescribed Cialias and has been using it for 20 years but we have to go about sex on his terms. It must be scheduled and on nights he chooses. It also has to happen before he starts drinking for the evening, making me feel like we have to hurry before a certain time so he can start with his beer. This is not fun nor exciting, and I have told him this many times, yet he won’t bend or realize he has a mental problem with sex and a drinking problem on top of it. His doctor told him he was an alcoholic but he said the doctor doesn’t understand it’s his right to unwind and have a few drinks at night. Everything we do for the past 30 years is on his terms. He is one of the passive-aggressive people who comes across as meek and mild but nobody knows how he really is except me. There is so much stubbornness in this man, I can’t deal with it. He is rarely wrong but if he thinks he is, he is then a victim, hanging his head, telling me he is a bad husband so that I tell him he is not. An example is this. Our Anniversary was yesterday. The night before he drank way too much; not just beer but whiskey too. I went to bed and he stayed up and drank. Yesterday morning I told him (once again) we need to talk about his drinking and after I said all that I did, (he never talks, just says “yeah” or short words) he promised he would only drink occasionally and told me we would work on our marriage. So, our Anniversary yesterday…we had lunch, which was nice, then had to do some quick shopping before he brought me home…and went fishing. When he came home 5 hours later, he had been drinking. We both pretended he wasn’t drunk; he tried to put on a sober act and I acted like I didn’t notice. So much for trying to curb the drinking and so much for OUR anniversary. Is this normal? Should I have expected him to spend the evening with me or should I have realized he needed some time alone? All these years, of what I feel has been emotional abuse, has confused me to the point where I am not sure what is acceptable and what is not, and now I’m on the Internet searching for answers from strangers because I can’t think straight anymore. Thank you for your time.
Oh, Gka, I’m so sorry! And on your anniversary, too! That must be so hard.
But you know, when you need your husband to make a change, and he just isn’t, then perhaps the issue has moved beyond telling him you have to talk about it and actually doing something about it. I explain what I mean here, in this post on when your husband won’t change. I hope it helps!