When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, one of the main reasons that I did so was because of my horrible wedding night. I had read some Christian books about how to make sex great right off the bat, and they left me a nervous wreck. I tried to write a book that would help people calm down and relax and just get to know each other, because there are so many changes all at once. And you have a lifetime to get it right!
And as I started talking to other women about what their own wedding nights were like, I found that I wasn’t alone. Many of us had difficult honeymoons. I think we need to talk about this more, dispel some myths, and tell ourselves that it’s okay not to be perfect.
When Emily Weirenga sent me this guest post, I was so excited to run it because I know so many of you will relate. Here’s Emily:
We borrowed my aunt’s cabin, by the water.
We arrived late with a bottle of wine and I stepped on the back of my wedding dress as we crossed the threshold.
I didn’t see anything but the bed, with its nicely folded corners and my new husband already in his boxers and grabbing us glasses from the kitchen cupboard.
I leaned against the wall, drinking the white, in white, and we were 23-year-old virgins who’d never seen each other naked, had only felt each other’s skin and I couldn’t unzip my dress.
I stalled, pulling out my bobby pins and he helped me, and we made a nice little pile of pins and then he asked if he could help me with my zipper.
And I asked him if he wanted another glass of wine.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to make love with him.
It’s that I didn’t want him to see me. All of me.
Not because I didn’t trust him, but because I didn’t like myself.
I didn’t like my skin and I thought maybe if we got the room dark enough first and we could do that every night, till death do us part, and he’d never see my flat chest or my wide hips or my pear shaped body.
I ended up slipping the dress around my ankles and then quickly sliding beneath the sheet and it’s taken me 10 years to learn how to walk into the bedroom naked, with the lights on. To look my husband in the eye, standing there in all of my skin, my stomach stretched with marks from two sons and my chest even flatter than it was before.
I am not beautiful because of my skin, nor because of my husband, nor because of my children, but because of my heritage as Abba’s creation.
But even though I was raised in the church, as a pastor’s daughter, who was baptized by the age of eight and went to youth group and memorized Scripture, I didn’t know that womanhood was something to be embraced. I didn’t know there were two different kinds of pride—a hubris kind of pride, which is a lifting up of the soul in defiance of God—and then, the other. The good kind of pride. The kind that Isak Dinesen defines in her book, Out of Africa:
Pride is faith in the idea that God had when he made us. A proud man is conscious of the idea, and aspires to realize it. He does not strive towards a happiness, or comfort, which may be irrelevant to God’s idea of him. His success is the idea of God, successfully carried through, and he is in love with his destiny.
I thought I was supposed to feel ashamed of my female curves. Of my body.
My mum was insecure and my dad, emotionally absent, so as children, we all battled low self-esteem. We weren’t allowed to watch The Little Mermaid because she had a bare stomach and Mum would get embarrassed if Dad caught her changing. I would be mortified if Dad saw my bra hanging on the clothesline. We thought we needed to be hidden away. Fig leaves, and such.
But Jesus came to change all that.
Jesus came so that shame would go. Jesus came, so that we could know, again, the full idea God had for us when he created us.
I am learning what it means to be a woman —what it means to embrace all of my femininity and to see it as a loving calling. To know the difference between love of self, and loving myself, and to treat myself as tenderly as I would a friend.
My friend, Celeste Steele-Perez, puts it this way: “As I meditate on what it means to be a woman, I marvel. I feel strong… I celebrate every curvy nuance of the feminine mystique. The memory of birthing makes my blood rush with the knowledge that … I, too, am made in God’s image!”
I have partnered up with Dr. Dena Cabrera of Rosewood Institute to write a book which celebrates this very thing: our femininity, our calling as women, and how to learn to love ourselves fully so we can, in turn, love our husbands and our children. It’s called Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty and Life After Pregnancy.
I’m excited to GIVE AWAY a hard-cover copy, so please leave a comment below telling me ONE thing you love about yourself, and we will choose a winner at random by the end of the week.Otherwise, you can pick up your own copy of the book on Amazon (for 40% off!) or at Barnes and Noble bookstores or wherever books and e-books are sold.
Women? We are beautiful. Our bodies are temples. And it is good.
(For the book trailer, endorsements and sample chapters, please visit the official book website HERE)
(Originally posted at Prodigal Magazine: http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/my-wedding-night/#sthash.jcml8p9c.dpuf)
Emily Wierenga is a wife, mother, artist and the author of Chasing Silhouettes: How to help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder, and Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty and Life After Pregnancy. For more info, please visit www.emilywierenga.com. Find her on Twitter or Facebook.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love that my body can carry and birth my husbands children, and all the changes my children have caused on it.
It has taken a while, but now I love my height. I think it helped marrying someone even taller than I am 🙂
I love my hips, even though they are wider than I think they are and I accidentally run them into things…
Also, your writing is lovely, Emily!
Wow, what a tough question! I spend so much time focusing on what I DON’T like, that nothing instantly springs to mind when you ask what I love about my body. That makes me a little bit sad.
But after some thought, I realize that I like my hair (and so does hubby!). I also think my shoulders/collarbone/neck area looks pretty nice.
I appreciate this article, and your honesty. Self-image can be so dangerous for women. I have added your book to my Must Read list!
It’s amazing to me that I do feel beautiful. I’m a first generation Christian and I didn’t have an involved Dad or parents with a loving marriage. But God has renewed my mind and my image of myself and I do see myself as beautiful… somewhat curvy, getting a bit older, 2 kids and all… but beautiful daughter of God who lovingly formed me from clay like a Potter-artist. I love my hair now that I can manage it, my full lips and freckles. I pray that every woman would have that same sense of beauty that is birthed in the mind and fought for with the spirit of God that resides in Christians. We are to be thankful and proud of the creation that God has made us to be!
My eyes, it allows me to see the beauty all around me, my husband, children and our beautiful planet.
Powerful, Emily. I always enjoy your writings. They touch so many women.
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I think that I would choose my feet. My husband and many others have commented that I have pretty feet. But, I’ve also gotten to a point that I am happy with my height (or, rather, lack of it!).
Like my Grandma said many years ago, although not in these exact words, He made me just right for being me. 🙂
I enjoyed reading your post. Have a blessed day!
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One thing that I love about myself is my legs. When I first look at them, I see wrinkly knees, scars, and they now at the knees (like a movie cowboy), but on second look, I see strength. I see muscles that are strong enough to carry me and run alongside my children. They are strong enough to work alongside my husband in his very physical career. And, they are strong enough to carry me when I feel like stopping. Even though they are showing age and wear on the outside, they are strong an able in the inside.
I love my curves, and my hands.
I love my eyes, hair and back. However, my husband and God have helped make me much more confident in the rest of my body over the years. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.
We have so many of our sisters fighting this mentality: that they aren’t attractive, not only at their wedding, but later on in life as well. I was contacted this week by one of my readers still asking the same question years into marriage. So, I created a survey to ask the husbands out there what they thought. I got an overwhelming response. Almost 200 people filled out the survey so far. Guess what. 96% of them say that their wife is attractive to them. After years, after pregnancies, sickness, everything that goes on, the vast majority are still attracted to their spouses.
For those who are interested, you can find more information in the link below.
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I love that my body has carried the beautiful children God has blessed me with <3
I love my eyes.
I love that my curves make me FEEL more womanly…even at the ripe age of 49!
This post really resonates with me. I chalk my insecurities up to being private but truth is that I don’t want to be any kind of naked around anyone. I hate swimsuits! Raising three little girls has me hypersensitive to this. More than anything, I want them to be modest and yet completely secure in who they are so they can embrace being one in marriage. This book sounds like a must read!
I love my eyes. I try to smile with them to show genuine love to people 🙂
I love that I can laugh at my mistakes and not take myself too seriously! That is truly a work His has done in me!
On a physical level . . . I love my breasts that have feed and nurtured our 3, now grown sons! It was such a joy to breast feed and see each baby’s precious face as they looked up at me with love and trust!
After six children, I cannot say I have hold any fondness for my stretch marks or the puffed tummy that displays them. 🙂 However, I have accepted them as part of me. ONE thing I do LOVE about myself it is my smile. It warms my children & husband to me and can brighten the mood in the entire household. “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Keep smiling ladies! We’re blessed to be women.
It’s taken me years to feel comfortable too. Perhaps it’s my Scottish Presbyterian upbringing!
Right now what I love most about myself is my rounded belly, 35 weeks pregnant with our fifth child. Such a special time!
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I was thinking that one of the only times I actually felt attractive was when I was pregnant.
I love my smile 🙂
My eyes
My hands.
Wow, such a good article! It can be so hard as women in this culture to feel comfortable in our own skin.
What is one thing I love about myself? My smile. I wouldn’t say its physically perfect, but a smile comes from the inside and has nothing to do with the outside. 🙂
I was blessed to have a very wise woman in my life who recommended some reading material to me as I approached my wedding that prepared me for my wedding night and helped me be relaxed about undressing in front of my new husband. I know that’s not the case for every new bride, and I certainly have my own body insecurities. But something that helps is to realize that in my husband’s eyes, he literally does not see what I think are imperfections. He’s just like, “Oooo! Naked wife! Yay!” LOL
One thing I like about myself…I like my legs. My husband likes them too. 😉
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Wonderful article – thanks for sharing from your heart. What I love about myself: my eyes and my face and I’m loving the athletic build I have more and more each day .
I love my eyes, they are a pretty blue.
A beautiful blog entry! I love my smile. 🙂
My eyes. I’ve always thought I had pretty eyes.
I love my boobs. I grew up so ashamed of them, but now, as I am able to nurse my baby, I’m so proud of what God has made me capable of!
I love my big heart to help people!
I love my smile!
I would have to say my freckles & red hair. It’s taken me many years to accept myself as I am.
This made me cry. I think because I felt beautiful when I got married but after 2 kids don’t believe mmy husband when he says I’m beautiful. My eyes are the one thing that hasn’t changed so that has to be what I’d pick.
I love my womb and my smile that God has given me. I have given birth to nine children now and I feel God’s calling to me. I do struggle with my image sometimes because it is always changing whether I’m pregnant, post-partum or trying to get back into shape after my babies. I never stay the same shape more than 8 or 9 months at a time. But I pray about it and my husband loves my body regardless.
Ok… this is good. This is helpful, but if your spouse has said negative things about your body, how do you get over wanting to be under clothes at all times? Even during times of intimacy. My heart aches if I even think about having my husband see me uncovered and even in my mind I want to run and hide. I mean… how do you get over that?
Hi RV, I wrote sort of a related post here, about what to do if your spouse says he doesn’t find you attractive. I hope that helps!
thank you for this article….I often struggle with how I look and find it hard to accept the way I am…Grateful for my eyes that can see and cherish the 6 kids given to my husband and I.
I love my dimpled chin, and I usually like my shape. 🙂
When a man truly loves you he sees more than your body. I love my hands and arms because they have held and comforted my husband, three sons, two grandsons, one granddaughter, and many other friends and relatives.
i like my smile
Thanks for this article! It is so countercultural which is SO needed, more believing what Jesus says and less what the world says.
I love my eyes and that my hands can do what they need to do to care for my family.
I’m so happy to read this! After seven years of marriage, I still prefer “lights off.” God is still working on me. =) I think I like my legs. Even though I’m a chubby gal, I have good legs!
I love my body now, after struggling with liking my looks for years and two pregnancies. I’m finally realizing the beauty in how my body was designed and embracing who God made me to be.
I love my hair colour, red.
Yes. I can relate to this so much. Though, we didn’t have the joy of being ‘virgins’ on our wedding night. We had the other battle – the past that followed us. Even now, after nearly 9 years married… I still hide, almost always. I tell myself that I do have good reason though, there have been many hurts throughout our marriage… many relating to sex, the physical, etc. So sometimes, hiding is a defense too. I’m trying hard to let go. It’s a LONG process. Thanks for sharing – 🙂 Cass @ TheUnpluggedFamily.com
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I love this! Great article! I’ve always loved my legs & now I love my whole body. Although I still struggle from time to time. Right now I’m going through health issues & have put on lots of weight. I’m at my heaviest ever & struggling…
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My eyes. I love my eyes. Yeah! That’s it! My eyes.
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great article! Reminds me how much I need to teach my daughters…..I love my eyes, and my hands, which look just like my Mother’s (and are starting to age a bit now…).
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I like my chest (not my boobs, the area around/under there) and my back.
I love my collar bone 🙂
I love my eyes.
I love my lips. I never used to like my hands short and boyish. Now I almost love them more than my lips, they are strong and sure no matter what I am doing. From praising God, to washing dishes, to cupping my husbands or daughters face. I love them.
After wrestling with this all morning, I can not seem to come with an answer with regard to anything about my physical appearance.
However I know that no matter what or where I am whether it’s at home or out in public, I try to make conversation, make everyone feel welcome, and some how let them know that they matter. I try to pull people in when I see them being left out.
My confidence in myself- by God’s grace I too have become confident to look my husband in the eye and step out in faith that he loves me with all my flaws ( and I have many). He has been sweet to remind me that he knows where those stretch marks lovingly came from. He said he was there for everyone and he was.
I love my eyes – both physically and non-verbally.
Wonderful Post! I love the color of my eyes…green somewhat unique. They were blue when I was younger but in high school they changed to green and I love it:)
I used to love my whole body… but i’m 40.. had 2 kids and lots of stress…
I need to lose a lot of weight to truly love my body again…. but I do love my eyes. and my smile.
When I read the title I had to smile. On our wedding night both my wife and I got into bed, she wearing a nightdress, I wearing pajamas. How ridiculous, within 5 minutes we were totally naked. On our 25th and 30th anniversaries we were much wiser and got into bed naked!
After 17 years of marriage I still try to wait until dark, without lights. I’ve been trying all morning to come up with something I love about my body and I just don’t know. I certainly am in awe with the way the Lord created us to grow and care for babies, but that’s not unique to me. I guess I should probably read the book, especially since I don’t want my daughters to struggle as I do.
I’ve began to embrace my size. My petite structure. I am 5’0 95 lb at the age of 30. Despite my petite frame I was able to bare a child which has then turned my petite frame into a womanly petite frame. I’ve learned to love the small curve of my breast (because at a point in my life i thought they were to small) and the curve of my stomach t. I’ve learned o my nanval. I love my back and its many “beauty marks”. My back makes me feel sexy. ive learned to embrace my elongated neck that was once made fun of as a child. I love my neck. In some countries a long neck is noted as Beauty and riches. I love me
Ever since I breastfed, I think my breasts are great … oh, and my dear husband kinda loves them too 😉
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I think the one thing I love about myself is my ability to forgive myself for the negative thoughts I have about myself. I’m learning to love me, all of me. Every extra pound, every sagging inch, every stretch mark from our three children. I’m not there yet and I have days I want to cry and hide, but I’m getting there 🙂 Thank you for this article it truly helps knowing there are others out there who have the same issues.
I love my hair. Today!
I love being strong! We were raised doing physical work, and God has blessed me with a healthy strong body. That strength is leaving, and my body going the way of gravity, but I still love the strength I do have. I also love my eyes, which can show so much emotion.
I love my tummy. It shows the trauma of having beautiful kids that are here now and the ones I lost.
My eyes. People say my eyes look like my Mom’s, who passed away four years ago.
I love that my body gave birth to my son 5 weeks ago today via c-section. My incision scar is a great reminder of the blessing my little man is!
I love my hair!
Thank you for this beautiful article, I am shaped very similarly to you and have always been insecure with wider hips and a smaller bust. Such an encouraging post! Thanks again for sharing!
Believe it or not My stretch Marks lol. They are my road map to motherhood and a sign of God’s blessings
I love my thighs. I used to not, but ever since my husband has told me he loves them and loves their thickness I have liked them. I used to not, what with the cellulite and they shake when they aren’t supposed to…but I have come to love them.
I have always liked my breasts. I have gone from so many different body sizes, losing and gaining weight, but my breasts have always remained a nice size, and I’m glad something on my body that’s big is actually seen as a good thing. No matter the sagging, or the stretch marks, they’re still beautiful and I’m so glad God gave me something that makes me feel sexy and is attractive to my husband.
My hair. It’s very curly and can be a bit wild. I have spent countless hours and money on straightening products. I have finally come to realize that this is how God created me. I was trying to change something so beautiful. Now I wear it natural. My soon to be husband loves me no matter how wild it can look.
I love my natural red highlights in my hair!
I have pretty hands and feet. I also love all the good I can do with them 🙂 Thank you for your post!
Thank you for sharing this! It is on the hearts and minds of so many women, myself included. Thank you again.
I love my smile because people tell me it is warm and friendly and I hope that it shows the love of God to others!!!
*thank you for your open and honest article–I could so related.
I love my eyes 🙂
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I used to hate being tall and broad-shouldered, but now I love it. It reminds me that I am strong.
I love, love, love my summer freckles across the bridge of my nose. I wish they would stay all year.
Crystal blue eyes.
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I love my eyes and have a lot of fun enhancing them and making them stand out.
Great article! Thank you for posting. I would say I love my eyes and hair the most.
What I love about myself is my smile- it is genuine and quick.
This is a great article! It took me 20 years after my divorce to feel this way and only through the love of God did I get here! I am happily married to my 2nd husband for 3 years. It took 18 years for God to work out my kinks on how I looked at myself. When I finally began to believe I was beautiful because God saw me that way was when I became comfortable with myself and was able to begin to date. I was also very selective about who I dated and was determined I would wait til I was married before giving myself to a man. It was the best wait I ever experienced. I learned about me and I learned how to be patient on what God wanted for me. I am so thankful He does not see us as we see ourselves.
“TRUST” what a fragile thing to offer up to a husband who now represents the “head of the church(house)”. If I came to my Lord, “naked and ashamed” (insert -inadequate or other quality), let my clothes fall gently to the ground to bare the body I am and ask uncertain of, what would He would say? Where it used to be: You and Your Lord, Is now “You and Your Lord and your husband, then you-under that dichotomy. Every brave woman takes the smartest route to self-preservation – slipping into darkness where I cannot be seen. Hide my flaws “as I see them”. Except: the Lord does not see flaws. He sees His Beloved. Very few young men in churches today are counseled on how to address “the holy” when it is given to them. For you were Holy and a child loved my God at that time. He would not send you to eaten my lions. There is no blame, there is not fault – but the hurt will never go away, only be covered by His grace. Who teaches the husband to care for His wife as if she were the church itself – for that is what your heritage and that would have been your new identity. As I look at both of you, I see such sweetness, such innocence, and such earnestness to please not only each other but also your God. Perhaps you could start a speaking circuit about this topic. Not many virgins are going into the situation you went into – you have much to offer in guidance and teaching (much in the way of Titus 2). “Eve was naked and she was ashamed . . . ” – never met to be. STOP-take it to your Savior. Your husband will delight in you as you strengthen together as ONE your bond to your Lord. You did not fail, you are not inadequate in any way, but as a church – we may have failed to prepare you. Don’t punish yourself for that – take it to Yahweh.
My arms, shoulders and neckline.
Thank you for a great article and the reminder that we are Gods creation and we are beautiful to Him regardless of what we think of ourselves.
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I don’t much like their shape right now, as I’m right smack dab in the middle of my weight loss, but I love my arms and hips because that’s where I hold my husband and children close.
Wow was this a difficult task for me! After thinking for a while about this, I’ve decided on my lips and shoulders. This is such an important topic for me. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my skin. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I make it a point to never mention my insecurities in front of my daughter. I want her to find that balance of modesty and being proud of her body and how God made her.
I absolutely love my breasts and when my husband enjoys them I am in heaven. They are not perfect but he loves them and tells me so and i believe him. I wonder sometimes if we are normal as breasts have become a huge part of sex for us. Love it!
The love you and your husband share for your breasts is absolutely normal. Now that I have said that word “normal,” you may strike it from you sexual vocabulary. Normal is what is consensual and pleasurable between the two of you. That is the only criteria with which you need to concern yourself. What you and your husband do TO your breasts, or WITH you breasts or FOR the pleasure of your breasts is your own business. You may be concerned because you are doing something you feel is “KINKY” for whatever reason. Rest assured, it is being done by others also. Covering them in whipped cream is kinkier than chocolate syrup, is kinkier than massaging them, is kinkier than nipple clamps, is kinkier than him orally stimulating them, is kinkier than your orally stimulating them, is kinkier than breast sex, is kinkier than tattooing them, is kinkier than sexting them to your husband, is kinkier than going topless in your own home, is kinkier than going topless in your pool, is kinkier than going braless in public, is kinkier than being sexually aroused while breastfeeding, is kinkier than flashing your husband, is kinkier than your husband washing them for you, is kinkier than drawing smiley faces on them with brown noses, is kinkier than pressing them against the glass shower door, is kinkier than ….. Take your pick of this incomplete list that people are doing a lot of the time in a lot of the homes and a lot of the marriages out there. Which one is kinkier, kinkiest, too kinky to be done. Which one is not NORMAL? They are all done at one time or another by consenting adults thus making them normal, typical or desired within the relationship. Don’t agonize over someone else’s opinion of what is normal. You and your husband go take the girls out to play anytime and in any way you want. Enjoy yourselves as God intended a husband and wife to do . I won’t tell if you don’t and you won’t have to worry about being judged by anyone who has no business in your sex life to begin with. Now get out of here and the four of you go have fun together.
I love the things my body is capable of. It may sound clique but it truly is amazing to me that my body can grow a baby, birth a baby, and provide nourishment for my baby! It’s truly amazing how God created us women. It makes me love my body through my so-called imperfections.
My hands and feet. I always had a secret wish that my husband would really like my feet and he really does!! God cares about the little things!!
I was blessed with an hourglass figure – even if it is a little “fluffier” than I would like. 🙂 I also love the color and thickness of my hair. I hope someday to bless my husband with a confident wife who is beautiful inside and out!
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I like my face! I have pretty hair, a nice nose, and lovely eyes–God doesn’t make anything ugly!!!
I love my legs. They have done good things for me.
I love being thin and having a fast metabolism!
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Still haven’t learned to love my body. That is, I like it ok when it’s fully dressed… *sigh*
This is difficult, it always would be for me but even more so as I have a six week old first baby. Right now I have to say my hands/fingernails. I have long fingers and shapely nails without a manicure. I also love that I seem to have passed that into my son, his long skinny fingers are so precious 🙂
I like my smooth skin
As a guy, this kind of post resonates, though it hurts a bit – she still hasn’t gotten undressed after our wedding night … 19 years later.
I try to tell her that she looks great, but it just doesn’t sink in.
Hmm. I have been wrestling with these issues a lot lately. I would say that I love (well, like) my eyes and my smile b/c even when I was 80lbs overweight, they were still attractive.
I love my smile. I’ve always felt like it is so warm and inviting. I feel like my whole face lights up when I smile.
I love my hips…and I love that my hubby likes to run his hands down my curves and makes me feel beautiful.
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God blessed women with exceptional orgasmic ability. I think it’s a crying shame that so many Christian women have not embraced this fully.
If nothing else about your body sizes up to what you think it should be, at least rejoice in the creation of the clitoris (look it up, it’s so much bigger than you think, shaped like a wishbone and curves around the entire vagina).
It is beautifully and wonderfully made and in my opinion, a sweet blessing for all the pain women experience with their reproductive organs and the process of bearing children.
Spend some time with it ladies and share it with your husbands.