It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! Today we’re going to talk about setting boundaries with parents.
I’m taking an extended break this summer to get some serious writing done (working on two books and a new edition of a third), so I’m reposting some items from a few years ago, before this blog had much traffic. I thought many of you could relate to this dilemma:
One of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage is the relationship with the couple’s parents. It is all too easy for in-laws to drive a wedge between two people who otherwise love each other more than anyone else in the world. Our loyalty to our family sometimes takes precedence over what should be our primary loyalty to our spouse.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They have never tried to interfere, and as such we’ve always gotten along. We play cards together, we take vacations together, we laugh together. And my mother gets along with my mother-in-law, too, although the two could not be more different. But everybody in my family has decided that it is best just to get along. It’s easier for everyone. So we let things go, and we have fun.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way in all marriages. Many people, when they get married, still feel closely tied to their parents–even if their parents weren’t great parents. In fact, especially if their parents weren’t great. We’re still looking to be approved by them. While understandable, this attitude is really harmful to a marriage. It’s time to set boundaries with your parents!
After one Wifey Wednesday recently, I received an email from a woman who’s in a difficult situation. Here it is, in a nutshell (I’m summarizing because I don’t want to give identifying details away):
She and her husband have been promised the family farm, at some date in the future. So for now, they live for free in a run-down abode on the land where her parents live in a wonderful, big, comfy farmhouse. The husband (the son-in-law) works on the farm all day. And one day they will get everything.
But this “one day” has never been spelled out. And meanwhile, the house is so tiny, and it’s really pretty gross (single men with cats with incontinence issues used to have the run of the place). No matter how hard you try to clean, it’s stained. And it’s tiny. And there are small kids everywhere. What do you do?
She asks, “Also, any advice on how to talk to my parents about this without sounding like I feel entitled to something? Any time I mention it they tell me that they’ve lived in worse with more kids. The whole “I walked uphill to school both ways” speech.”
Then she says:
My mom is very uptight about her house. She says she’s not attached to it but then in the next breath she says that she wouldn’t change her life or leave even if she felt God calling her to Romania to be a missionary or something. I think that the only thing my parents owe us is some plans. We plan to work hard for the farm and don’t expect it to be handed over to us. But it would just be really nice to know that we are actually working toward a goal on paper (my parents don’t believe in writing down their goals/plans, though the succesion planner is making them do exactly that).As for the “started from nothing,” I’ve mentioned to them “didn’t you do that to give your kids a better life?” Or “did you like living in that house with 3 little kids?” To which the response is usually something like “we didn’t have a choice.”
Here’s a dynamic that’s very common in families. The parents want to keep some sense that the children are indebted to them, and so they promise something–we will give you a house, we will give you a business, we will baby-sit for you, we will lend you money–but nothing is ever actually specified. They want to keep you on your toes, and they want to have you come to them, asking for something, so that they can still feel indispensable.
It’s like the story of Jacob and Laban. Laban told Jacob that if he worked for him for 7 years, he could marry Rachel. So he worked, and got Leah. Then he was told, “just another 7 years.” So he did that, too. Then Laban continued to treat Jacob as if he should somehow be indebted to his father-in-law, until God miraculously put a stop to the whole dysfunctional charade. But Laban wanted to keep Jacob there, under his thumb.
Parents don’t always do this because they’re mean. Often they’re just insecure. You’re the baby, and you’re leaving, and you were their whole life. Does this mean they’re not worth as much anymore? And so they continue to get their identity from you needing them. So they say they’ll baby-sit, and you don’t even need to worry, you go ahead and find the job, but then when you do find the job, your mother acts as if you’re imposing on her, and she sighs, and says, “well, I have a life, too, you know. But I’ll do it because I have to.” If you had known that would have been her reaction, you would have stayed home or arranged for other childcare. But you took her at her word, and now she’s making you feel guilty.
Or what about this woman from the email? She’s been told she’ll have the family farm, but in the meantime, the parents expect her to live in a shack and be grateful. So what’s the answer?
First, we need to be clear what “leaving” means.
Leaving means that your parents no longer owe you anything.
You are an adult. Your father does NOT owe you the family farm (even if it has always been passed on). Your mother does NOT owe you baby-sitting, even if every other grandma you know helps with baby-sitting. Your parents do NOT owe you a downpayment, even if they’ve always promised it. You are an adult, and you should stand on your own two feet. Therefore, you should be completely prepared and at peace to live without any help at all.
Then, if they do offer help, and you decide you want it (it’s hard to pass up a family farm), you can approach them in a better way. You can say something like this:
That is very generous of you. I so respect what you have done to build up the business, and I would be honoured to take it over. I will always be grateful for this. So can we sit down and write out what the expectations and time-lines are, so that I can plan and be responsible for my family?
If they take offense that you’re asking for an end-date, or for something in writing, then you can say,
I never meant to cause offense. I do so appreciate the offer. It’s just that I have to plan for my family. We have to have a clear sense of where we’re going and what is required of all of us. If you can’t do that, because you haven’t decided yet, that is entirely your prerogative. You don’t owe me anything, and I completely understand. So I’m grateful for the offer, but I’ll have to decline. But if you ever do want to talk about details, I would love to still be considered.
See?
Draw boundaries around the relationship with your parents.
You’re acknowledging that it’s their farm–or business, or money, or time, or whatever the issue is–and you don’t have a right to it. This is their generosity. But you’re also saying that, as a new family, you have certain needs, too. And if they can’t mesh, you’ll have to decline the offer. And you must be willing to do that–decline the offer.
So many couples have lived in awful conditions, in awful accommodations, working slave hours, because of a vague understanding that “one day all this will be yours”. But really the parents are just taking advantage of you or trying to control you or keep you attached to them. It’s not healthy. What happens is that you get frustrated with your spouse because you don’t have anything that’s truly yours. And then your spouse gets frustrated at your parents, at which point you get frustrated at your spouse for being mad at your parents, even though you’re mad at them, too. And the whole thing just spirals into silliness.
When it comes to parents, those two truths need to be kept in mind: once you’re married, they honestly don’t owe you anything. And once you’re married, the welfare of your own nuclear family comes first. That can be hard to digest if your parents are wealthy. You may really want some of their things, or their business. But it isn’t worth wrecking your marriage over.
Perhaps it isn’t about money. Perhaps it’s just your mother calling three times a day “just to talk”, but really she’s getting in the way of your marriage. Or perhaps your father still won’t talk to your husband, except through you. These things need to end. You are to set boundaries with your parents, leave them, and build your own family.
So, with that being said, what advice would you give to this woman who does honestly want the farm, but is finding it very difficult to live in this dirty, rundown home? Or do you have another dilemma with in-laws to share with us? Let’s talk in the comments, or write your own Wifey Wednesday post and link up the URL to THAT POST below. Be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The problem with my in-laws is kind of opposite from this. It’s not that we feel that they owe us something but that they feel that we owe them something. This more has to do with my FIL than my MIL. My FIL will stop by our place and tell my husband that he needs to come rake leaves in his yard or shovel snow(my FIL is in his 40’s and is perfectly capable of taking care of his own yard plus he has 2 teenage sons at home who are more than capable). He’ll drop my 3 year old SIL off without notice and say “you can watch her”. He has asked my husband for money even though he doesn’t actually need the money, he just wants to see if my husband will give it to him. Thankfully though, after much prayer, my husband is finally standing up to him much more and saying “No” but I know that it’s hard for him to do so.
I think you also need to be setting boundaries in this case. Your in-laws (all of them, siblings included) have to respect you and your husband now–you are your own nuclear family. Yes, you’re part of their family, but you should not be expected to babysit your SIL. And your FIL should not expect your husband to do things he or his sons could do. Your husband has his own home and family to take care of!
Kudos to your husband for starting to stand up to his dad. That’s not easy to do, but it is ESSENTIAL. Remember, “A man shall LEAVE his father and mother and be united to his wife…” That was God who said that, and for good reason. If your in-laws don’t get the message, you might have to move farther away from them so you’re not so accessible.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great if you can help them out from time to time, but it should be on YOUR terms, not theirs. My in-laws live 20 minutes away, but one of my BIL’s still lives at home (he’s in high school) so he helps with things like yardwork. My husband and I and our in-laws have a mutually blessing relationship: we give them a hand if they need it and they do the same for us. That’s healthy, and that’s what you need to work toward with your in-laws. Keep praying!
This is such a needed topic to discuss, and one that is avoided more often than it should be. Sheila, you’ve done an excellent job in bringing this to the surface allowing young married couples to see their situation with their in-laws from a different perspective. I pray this post reaches all who need to hear it and helps them change their responses. Thank you!
Debi
We’ve learned a ton about boundaries since getting married. Still learning all the time. We’ll never stop learning. 🙂
Boundaries really clicked for me when I read one of the “Boundaries” books (they’re excellent, by the way – highly recommend). The phrase that got through was “You don’t put a fence around your yard to tell your neighbor what to do with his yard.” In other words, boundaries are less about controlling the behavior of others than they are about controlling yourself. You are the only person you can control. Boundaries are about how YOU will behave and respond. Once I grasped that, it totally changed how I related to the people around me and I felt fewer effects from any drama. Not because there was any less drama – it still happens – but I can choose to not participate in it.
I don’t say that lightly. It’s not easy. It can be hard. SO hard. But you have to keep your eye on the horizon. This is about the long-term well-being of you, your spouse, and your children. You cannot control the other people, but you can protect the health of your household.
Melissa I was thinking about recommending the Boundaries books before reading your comment. I read Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. It has really helped me communicate more effectively with my husband, children, parents, siblings and friends. I am a much happier person and probably a lot more fun to be around. LOL I didn’t realize how not setting boundaries in my life was leaving me feeling frustrated and not at all respected.
You don’t build a fence to tell your neighbor what to do in his yard. Brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing this. Can you share which Boundaries book was most helpful for you?
My husband and I have a similar situation with my father in law as written about in this post. This information is priceless to our family! We have been married for 5 years and have a blended family of 5 children from age 24 down to 9 yrs of age. Aside from the family business issue my father in law refuses to stop giving money to our 24 year old son who has been enrolled in college for 6 years with no degree as of yet. He is a remarkable, intelligent young man and has been gifted with everything he needs to succeed in this world. Although he is capable of standing on his own two feet, he doesn’t see the value in getting a steady job because there isn’t a need for it. He knows granddad will take care of his expenses and give him a bail out when needed. What advise can you give a step mom who together with his father and biological mother see the intrusion as a problem but feel we can do nothing to stop it? Sheila, I cannot put into words what your books and information has meant to my husband and me. Your are such a blessing!
Call me crazy, but the 24-year-old is “of age.” If he doesn’t still live at home, then “not your problem.” Whatever dynamic he’s got going with Grandpa is between the two of them. The son likes to mooch and Grandpa obviously likes to be mooched upon. You don’t have to support that in any way, shape or form because it sounds like the son has made his own choices but you’re the one hitting your head against a wall over it. We (the audience) may not understand what makes someone who allows himself to mooch off a fixed-income senior citizen so “remarkable,” but whatever the case, it’s working for him and Grandpa right now. You could regain a lot of sleep by allowing him figure things out for himself and not taking him back in when things go south (until and unless the boundaries are set to your satisfaction – such as he gets a job and pays rent). It’s called “tough love.” Some people have to learn things the hard way and if you don’t let them, you become an enabler. Just my thoughts for whatever they’re worth.
I so agree with you! I have a family member in a similar situation. That is like buying a car or a house and making payments, but never knowing when it will be paid off. Nobody would so that. Ultimately, you do have to do what is best for your own family. Boundaries are so important in a situation like this!
I, too, am in the reverse category on this issue. I have been married for almost ten years at this point, and we still have significant boundary issues with my in-laws. (My parents are deceased.) We attempt to set boundaries, but they are regularly ignored. It’s a constant battle! How does one effectively enforce boundaries while maintaining respect?
Shelia,
This is a great post. I love your two gems of wisdom… 1) once you’re married, your parents don’t owe you anything and 2) The welfare of your own nuclear family comes first. Simple yet profoundly valuable! All of our decisions regarding extended family need to be filtered through these 2 truths. Many issues that plague many families could be avoided.
Boundaries with parents are hard. We are taught to respect and honour them, and yet we also have to leave them. How to leave while still honouring one’s mother and father?
For me, the lightbulb moment came when I realized that being a doormat is not honouring to anyone. Not to my parents, not to my inlaws, not to my husband, nor to myself, nor to my Saviour.
It is a long road to change well-worn paths and patterns, but it has been well worth the effort.
When you posted the original, three years ago it set me to action. I had to decline the offer of a cruise with my mum (she was paying) and sister because I felt my own family’s needs were not being considered. Our family circumstances and time constraints were ignored. It was a very stressful year of upheaval made more difficult by an untimely offer of a “fun” vacation when I felt I was needed at home. I would loved to have escaped to a tropical paradise!
The words of your “conversation” became some of the script for my letter to my mum. She was hurt and offended and didn’t understand that one more expectation was too much for me to manage. The three year repair of our relationship is going well, as we can relate better as adults.
A word of caution to your readers: be gentle and respectful – you cannot ever guess at someone else’s intentions. Your conversation may change the tone of your relationship. Pray that God may apply His grace to your words.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue! My husband and I have had our fair share of in-law issues from both sides. One particular issue spurred us to meet with our pre-marital mentors after being married for over two years. They helped give us a lot of wisdom and perspective on the issue and now I feel much better about sticking to what we know as best for the two of us. It is not always easy and it can be a struggle to stick to our convictions yet still be respectful but I will no longer allow myself to feel bad about how we have decided to handle it.
Thank you Sheila for this great advice. I think what you said about our parents not owing us anything is essential. It’s hard to stop feeling dependent on your parents after getting married because they always took care of you before, but that’s the way God has designed families. Our relationship with our parents is meant to change when we grow up, but our relationship with our spouse is meant to last a lifetime.
I would love it if you would write a post like this applying to interracial couples. If you don’t feel like you have enough insight on this maybe you know of another blogger who could write a guest post on the topic. I don’t know about other cultures, but in Asian cultures the parents work their tails off all their lives so they can give everything to their kids. They do this out of deep love and sacrifice for their children, but it often results in the parents acting as if the kids owe them everything (which they kind of do) and must continue to obey them even after marriage. They don’t tend to have the idea of “leaving and cleaving” as much as the Western world does. All families are different of course but I’ve seen this happen a lot in my husband’s family and other Asian families.
My situation is somewhat similar to the original post. However I am not married yet, but expecting a baby in two weeks and live with my boyfriend who is a rancher. We currently live in a large, decent home which his grandparents own. When they pass away (in who knows how many years), they are giving their home with the farm to him.Their house is a VERY old farmhouse that probably needed to be torn down years ago. The house that we currently live in will be given to my boyfriends cousins. Now the problem is that I do not necessarily want to move to his grandparents old farmhouse and raise a family in an unsafe home. I mentioned taring it down and building a new home or possibly dwelling the land with farming buildings etc. and relocating. My boyfriend says that could never happen because his extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles) would be distraught to have such a special place full of memories changed or sold. This dilima is keeping me from deciding to marry this man and I am terribly stressed out. I should be focusing on this beautiful baby I am soon to have, but find myself losing sleep over my future that seems to be dictated by my boyfriends family. Please help.
Have you told your boyfriend about your concerns?
Maybe you guys could see about doing some repairs on the house since it means so much to everyone. Since the house isn’t really yours yet (his grandparents still live in it) there isn’t too much you can do unless his grandparents are willing to start working on repairs.
His extended family may be upset if you guys have to tear it down or sell it, but your nuclear family comes first. If the house is given to you and your husband, it’s yours. Not theirs. While they’ll be upset, you still need a place to live that you can all feel safe in. You constantly worrying about whether the house is going to fall down at any moment isn’t something you want to deal with, I’m sure.
Considering it isn’t yours yet, you guys could mention to the grandparents about fixing the place up and maybe offer to help them out. That seems like the best thing in my opinion since the grandparents still live there, that way you don’t have to worry about them living in a house you wouldn’t feel comfortable in. Plus, this gets a headstart on fixing up the place and the extended family won’t have the memories lost.
Just remember that if the house gets passed on to you–it’s YOURS. Not the extended families’.
We’ve had to navigate this extensively with my parents, due to abuse and just a lot of “crazy,” for lack of a better word. We’ve always had a good relationship with my husband’s parents, and have really enjoyed traveling with them, and just spending time with them.
Now, their health is failing and it’s all becoming much more complicated. They live five minutes away from us, and while we want to help them as much as they can, it’s getting out of control. They do not want to move to an assisted living situation, which they need. They do have a nurse coming in every day now…but even that is not enough. It’s incredibly difficult to sort out and figure out how much is enough…
This is an excellent post. I wish I would have read it 25 years ago before my MIL made every single family holiday a living hell with her controlling behavior. My husband and I just never felt comfortable with setting boundaries. If we did anything close to that she violated them and we allowed it because she was family. This put a huge strain on our marriage. My children are in their early 20’s and I am going to pass this advice on to them as they marry. My MIL passed away two years ago and she did teach me exactly the kind of MIL I don’t want to be.
I really related to your comment about the holidays being a living hell
because of MIL.
My mother makes me dread the holidays! It’s a difficult process but at
I’m trying break the control.
My story is the opposite. I was blessed with wonderful in-laws. My father died before I met my wife but she got on very well with my mother, to such an extent that my mother sided with my wife on some occasions. This provoked me to say “Whose mother are you?” Not in a serious vein, I assure you. We now have a wonderful daughter-in-law and we get on well with her parents.
My husband and I were married last October. We have seen the violation of boundaries by my mother since before we even got married. Ie. for two years my mother kept on asking my husband when he was going to marry me and asked me why he had not asked yet then when we did set a date she tantrummed because she said she did not know him well enough and got mad when we started setting limits on how long we could come and visit them. Since getting married she gets upset at us when we don’t get out to their home when she thinks we should (they live a 2hours drive away) and recently gave my husband the cold shoulder for not getting to their home when they thought he should. Btw he had arranged with my dad to go help my dad with their house and went out to my parents by himself.
She also continuously asks me if my husband has heard back from jobs he has applied for and continuously tells me and my husband that my husband is in a dead end job.
My mother can be quite nasty and angry. I have had to hang up on her in the past as she was out of controller yelling at me. When I did speak to her again she said that she contemplated suicide the day I hung up on her and left quite nasty voice messages on my phone.
I know I have no control over her behaviour. My husband and I talk about these dynamics often because it is very seldom that I can have a conversation with my mother without feeling very frustrated angry or upset. We see the potential for this to seriously damage our relationship and marriage which makes us very upset and sad. We pray about it often!!!
Now we have a baby on the way as I am due the beginning of September which will bring new issues as several times my mom has said she would come stay with us in our one bedroom apartment. Each time I say no as our place is too small. I’m worried about my being vulnerable to standing up to her when recovering from labour.
I seriously need some tools and support to help set those boundaries.
Please, please save yourself a lot of stress and heartache. Read the boundries book and look up bourderline personality disorder. Dont wait 10 years like I did. People who control and manipulate don’t tend to change.
Make boundaries now! That is so true that people who control and manipulate don’t change. My mother in law manipulated me for 5 years. She would tell me how wonderful I was and how much of a jerk her son is and how his kids are messed up and are insane. She pretended to be my shoulder to cry on and all the while every time my stepsons visited with her she told them to do things to me to get their Dad to divorce me or that it would stress me out so much I would leave. Eventually I put it together because they boys were horrible to me after every visit with her. For two years I complained to my husband about it and he accused me of everything under the sun. It was not until his 20 year old daughter who left us at 17 to live with my mother in law finally got tired of her and realized what a manipulative person she was. Then told my husband that yes she indeed tell all three kids to do things to me to get rid of that “evil Mommy” all because she did not like not being in control of our family. We have since confronted her and the kids never see her but every month or so my husband gets a phone call where she cries and says she does not know why we won’t let her see the kids and when my husband reminds her of what she did and that the only way she will ever be a part of our lives is if we sit down with a counselor and talk things out and set boundaries. Then she of course says the kids are liars and she never did any of those things. She has turned all the extended family against us too. Her husband who knew she was doing these things because our kids said he would tell her to be quiet and stop saying stuff about me and he actually apologized to me now says she never did anything either. I waited over 6 years to confront and we have been married 9 years and she has never changed. In order to change you have to admit you are wrong. Some people will never do that…
This is actually so true. You can’t have reconciliation without truth–and truth means repentance of what you’ve done. You can forgive and move on, but you can’t repair the relationship unless there is truth. Too many families won’t acknowledge truth, and then things never get better.
I’m sorry your mother-in-law doesn’t understand what she is missing. That’s really sad.
I have the same issue. However, I want to continue to have a relationship with my family and my spouse does not want me to. It drives us apart. Please give advice!
Thankfully, we don’t see my in-laws too much. I have to admit the longer we are married and the more my husband tells me about this childhood the more I dislike them and believe that they were somewhat abusive and neglectful towards him (and each other). It has been more on us to help them out, as they are not very financially well off, which I admit I sometimes resent (a few years ago, my MIL declared she wasn’t buying presents for Christmas/Birthdays anymore, but she still expects (and complains!) about gifts we give her for these occasions).
And to top it all off, my in-laws are separated and do not get along. After they caused a scene at a birthday party a couple of years ago, I have been hesitant to throw family birthday parties for the kids.
Just wondering what happened to the original lady & her family. Did they leave the family farm shack to live somewhere else?
Sheila, you say that once we are married, our parents don’t owe us anything. We become our own family and need to stand on our own feet.
My question is, what do we, as kids, owe our parents, once we have started a family of our own?
My husband’s family is very enmeshed and we have had great difficulty trying to separate from them. They don’t see us as a “new” family — rather, we are just an extension of original family. We are struggling with questions such as how much help do we “owe” his sisters as they move out west and expect to make our home their base since “but we are family!!”? How much is it my husband’s responsibility to find his dad a job in our home area? How much financial help do we “owe” his parents (who have been in a part-time singing ministry for over 10 years, and have been in limbo now for about 4 years but won’t commit to anything long-term, whether job or ministry). We have often given money to support their ministry but it seems they are content to remain in this “waiting on God” stage forever — I think He would need to write in the sky for them to actually commit to anything whole-heartedly! How much financial help do we “owe” his sisters who are also wandering, in limbo, going from thing to thing (GOOD things, like Bible camps, and helping families with small children, and volunteering at Bible schools, etc) but never settling into anything, and expecting to be able to drop in and stay with family or friends for weeks on end, rather than supporting themselves.
We are willing to help his family and support their ministry, even the girls’ ministry efforts as they give of their time and help others, but it seems that this wandering from place to place and “waiting on God” and not committing to anything is a pattern that is not ending. We are coming to realize we do not agree with their lifestyle at all, and wonder if we are enablers by giving financial and physical help. But at the same time, who am I to judge their life and what they feel God wants of them right now?
Any advice?
Please help!! My husband and I currently live three hours away from each other, and the in-laws are ALMOST exclusively the reason behind this. My husband comes from a very tight-knit family. All three grown children still live in the same small town as his parents; they regularly eat evening meals together. It was always my dream to be a part of this type of environment. However, NO ONE from the outside is accepted into their close-knit family; all three grown children have been married AND divorced multiple times. During our two years of marriage, I have felt like my MIL has done everything in her power to push me away and try to convince her son to leave me. I lived under a constant microscope, and she was constantly speaking negatively about me to my husband and to others. I realized that I was going to end up in a mental institution if I didn’t get away. I left in February; my husband and I are still trying to work things out, but he is afraid to tell his family that we are still working on things for fear of being ostracized. He refuses to move away, because he wants to raise his son (from a previous marriage) in the same town where he grew up and where his family all lives. I feel like if I move back, I will continue down the path toward the mental institution. Please pray for us, and if anyone has any kind words of wisdom, I am open to any suggestions.
Your line about people offering to do things just so that you are indebted to them was my life for SO many years. My in-laws really wanted to be wonderful grandparents, but they were not. They wanted everyone to know how much time their grand kids spent with them but they made the kids miserable when they were there. Fortunately, there were SOME good memories but, my marriage suffered GREATLY from their verbal abuse and their insistence to interfere with everything in our lives. One of them has died and I have not missed their presence for one second. How sad is that? The other is forever changed by health issues and no longer able to affect us as in the past except that my spouse puts their feelings first in every situation in our lives. Talking to my in-laws about boundaries in the early days of our marriage was a disaster. As I get older, it is easier to let the past go and not let it bother me but I pray that I will be a better in-law.
I think this is great advice Sheila! One thing that my mom always told me, after watching so many issues with family business partnerships, loans within families, family renting to family, etc was always put everything in writing. It often seems like you should be able to trust family (and usually you should!), but I think it’s even more necessary to have agreements in writing when dealing with family. Even if everyone is completely trustworthy, family relationships sometimes seems to lend themselves to hidden assumptions or miscommunications. If everything is in writing and signed by all parties involved it just helps makes things clear and straightforward. If someone feels threatened by this, maybe it’s a sign you shouldn’t be getting into a serious financial agreement with them in the first place.
Of course, this doesn’t cover all situations, like some of the others mentioned in the comments above. Lots of great advice though…keep it up.
Thanks Sheila for putting this one out. Very timely, as I just met with a counselor at church about setting boundaries with my dad now that I’m married. It’s a little tricky because Dad tends to get a bit defensive and sees his involvement in our lives as being a good father. Plus, he has some regrets over not being more involved in our lives when we were all younger, so I think he’s trying to make up for lost time. The problem is, he’s making up for lost time as if we’re still kids, when the youngest of us is 28 years old. We don’t want him to feel like he’s unwanted, but we have started to work on gracious ways to set boundaries with him while keeping an open and harmonious relationship with him.
Great post Sheila!
The book Boundries by John Townsend adresses this issue in more detail and with several great examples and solutions to this issue so many people have. Thank you for taking on this important topic.
God Bless,
Steve
Oh my. This is hitting home. My MIL makes her adult children feel guilty in order to control and manipulate their decisions. She also feels entitled to see her grandchildren ALL THE TIME and will regularly make comments about them not knowing her if its been a month in between visits. Seriously? Could she be anymore passive aggressive? I’m learning to control my angry and controlling behavior toward her and finally realize that I have to let her comments slide off. I can’t control her. It’s just sad because it makes us not want our kids to be around her very often. She thinks she’s guilting us into wanting to be with her. Actually it’s pushing us away.
If the parents no longer owe anything to their adult children, doesn’t it also follow that the adult children also are no longer obligated to the parents? Honor and respect can be rather vaguely interpreted.
My husband and I have had more than our fair share of issues with in-laws on both sides. It has always been a struggle to “get along”. I find it so heart breaking that we can’t just see past things and love one another. During Christmas this past year we had a falling out with a sibling. It was horrible to say the least. Things were said and feelings were hurt. We finally “had it out” with one another and decided to just move forward and let things go. Unfortunately, things have gone back to bad again but with another family member and we haven’t spoken in a month. I am grieving the loss of that very close relationship and feat the worst is yet to come. I am constantly anxious and feel overwhelmed by “in-law” problems. My husband and I have decided that if people want to be a part of our lives then they will make an effort (we have done everything to salvage relationships only to be told they didn’t care). I am hurt and pray all the time for healing and for restoration of the relationship. It has gotten so bad that I have felt at times I needed professional counseling. Thank goodness I have a great God who loves me even when the whole world turns it’s back on me.
That’s too bad, Kristy! Families are such hard things sometimes. Just cling to one another and pray for a great “family” at church. That often makes up for what you’re missing out on. Never completely, but it can be a comfort.
Do you have any other resources on in-laws/family relationships & boundaries that you could point me to?
Let me think about that. My post this Monday did talk about setting boundaries a little bit. Hope this helps.
How did God put a stop to Laban treating Jacob like he still owed him?
Thanks, these are heartbreaking yet helpful. My husband and I are working on setting boundaries with my parents. Unfortunately, so far it seems that they prefer no contact to contact with boundaries. It’s really sad because I love them but the conflict was affecting our sleep, happiness and finally 25 year old marriage before I realized that while forgiveness is possible unilaterally, trust is probably not realistic. I just hope and pray that we can find some sort of workable solution, but the nuclear family must come first!
This site has been such a great resource. My husband and I also have problems with in-laws, on both sides. The only difference is the degree to which the abuse is handed out. I am the scapegoat of his family. Any and every thing that happens somehow is my fault- even if I wasn’t there, or was not involved in any way. I have realized that most of the people (on both sides of the family) are enablers, and there seems to be one person who might have a serious Personality Disorder. That being said, the person who might have a PD is an expert at creating chaos, fabricating stories and scenarios that are either very exaggerated or did not even occur, all the while pointing the finger at me. My husband feels caught in the middle, and often makes excuses for these people. Everyone agrees that this person might have an emotional issue, but they also agree to just “let it go” for fear of making it worse. I was raised in a very abusive environment as a child, with a parent who was a passive aggressive people pleaser and boundary violator- so between the abuse and the boundary issues, I don’t know which way is up. Through much prayer, I believe God is working on me so that I will find freedom regardless of what others do around me. A few books that I have found to be incredibly helpful are
1. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
2. People Can’t Drive You Crazy if you don’t give them the keys by Mike Bechtle
3. Setting Boundaries with Difficult People by Allison Bottke
Also, a website that I found is very helpful in knowing and understanding the psychological terms (with definitions and examples) of what these abusive patterns look like is
http://www.outofthefog.net
(FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt <— tactics used by abusive people to keep you bound in these destructive relationships) We must admit that what we do to change the problem might be part of the problem. We are only responsible for ourselves, but WE ARE RESPONSIBLE for ourselves. No one else is.
My prayer is that each and every one of you will RECOGNIZE these abusive behavior patterns and our harmful responses to them, LEARN TO SPEAK UP, and that you will find freedom from these destructive patterns.
Great resources, KB! Thank you. I love Leslie Vernick, too.
I was desperately looking for advice on boundaries with parents and this came up. I’ve been married for 6 years, now with two kids under 4. When we got married things were “typical” start off when newly married. Now we have no contact what so ever and they don’t know the kids (the kids don’t either). We had to cut off contact because of how they were treating my husband. I only finally said something after it got bad. (Which took so much) I want to start rebuilding a relationship with them again but my husband never wants to talk about them, the situation, or reconciliation. And it’s like they don’t exist. Any advice or places I can look for some more help. I miss them and want them part of my life.
my parents don’t care to develop a relationship with me or my sons doing anything normal on any non-holiday weekend. They don’t invite us, turn us down, insult my work, and my clothes (which are nice). They have turned out to be really hateful people in their old age and I feel so abaondond. They demand Honor your parents by being the kind of people who expect you to come and do for them (and they do not reciprocate anything except giving stuff and money)- no relationship. They are always holding their noses up and they do not acknowledge anything about me other than what pertains to them only. I am suffocating from no air. Can someone explain to me what is going on. I am very confused. I don’t know how to embrace this mistreatment, forgive them, or create a new life in my head of what family is supposed to be – deeply devoted to family and I have been stepped on big time. It’s them, not me.