Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I often get variations of: “My husband won’t get a job”!
My husband, whom I love very much, recently quit his job to study to get his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma). I have been very supportive and gently reminding him that he needs to study. If he doesn’t study, he turns around and blames me, saying that it’s my responsibility to get him to study. He has no handicaps or learning disabilities. I’m really busy caring for children and aging relatives, and I’m finding this very stressful. If I bring it up he gets defensive. What do I do?
It’s similar to this email that I received about a husband who won’t work:
Two years ago my husband was laid off. For the first two months he tried to find another job, but he’s since given up. He sits around and plays video games all day. We lost our house and we’re living in a friend’s basement right now with our three little kids. I can’t go to work because I’m nursing a baby, but he has no motivation to get up and find a job. He just says there aren’t any out there, but if I tell him about places that are hiring he huffs off and leaves the room.
This is a tough one, because we can’t force someone to do what we want them to do, but at the same time it sounds as if these men are not fulfilling a basic role that is agreed upon when you get married: I will work to make a life together.
So let me offer a few thoughts today for those of you who feel that your husband is lazy and refuses to work.
Working (Having a Job) is Part of the Marriage Contract
Perhaps we don’t vow it in the same that we vow “forsaking all others”, but it’s implicitly understood in the marriage contract that we are a team that will now be independent and care for ourselves. This doesn’t mean that both of you will work outside the home; but it does mean that both of you will WORK: One of you may work a paid job, and the other may be home caring for children and the home, but in general, both of you are contributing to the family.
I really don’t think that anyone would disagree with that, unless they think that the government should be paying their way. We know that we each have responsibilities in marriage.
I imagine that if you talked to these two unemployed husbands they would likely agree in principle, too. They would simply tell you why for them that won’t work: there are no jobs out there for my skill level; I’m not a “school” kind of person so I can’t study; etc. etc. They know that in general people should work; they just can tell you a million reasons why for them that isn’t true. Is your husband just lazy? Maybe. But perhaps it’s also that they’re just depressed, or scared, or nervous, and they can’t deal with that so they do nothing at all.
So with that being said, here are 5 strategies to help you figure out what to do if your husband isn’t working.
1. Does Your Unemployed Husband Need Help and Encouragement to Get a Job?
Have you ever had to do something and the thought just scared you so much you ran away from it? It just seemed like too big a task and you didn’t even know where to begin. I know I’m like that with some areas of my house. Right now my storage room is such a mess that the thought of even beginning to clean it is overwhelming.
I think some guys are like that when it comes to studying/getting a job, too. Where do you start? The resume? Trying to find interviews? Trying to find openings? It’s staggering. And how long will it take to get a job?
And because it’s all tied up in their idea of manhood, too, it’s really scary to think about. If they try and fail it’s almost worse than not trying at all.
Perhaps you can help by talking to him and breaking it down into bite sized pieces for him. For studying for the GED, for instance, maybe you could make a schedule about what to study when. Perhaps he doesn’t even know how to begin. What I do when I’m helping my girls study is take an endpoint and then work backwards. So pick a date when he’ll write the exam, and then figure out what he has to do between now and that date, and divide it up into tiny, bite sized chunks. So today he’ll study pages 20-30 out of the GED review book for math. And then figure out a reward: once you’re done studying, we’ll all go to the park, or I’ll make cookies, or something.
With jobs it could be the same thing. Maybe he feels his resume isn’t good enough but he doesn’t know where to start. Maybe he doesn’t even know what kind of job he’s looking for. Again, break it down into small chunks, and ask yourself: which of these chunks can I do for him? Perhaps you could say to him: you call these five people that we know who may know of job openings and arrange to meet them for coffee this week, and I’ll research how to write resumes and I’ll make you a top-notch one, and ask Mr. X from church, who runs human resources for a big company, to look at it and tell us if it’s a good resume or not.
So instead of nagging him, you’re coming alongside him and cheering him on and helping him–kind of like you’re in NASCAR and he’s the race car driver, but you’re the guys who work in the pits. So you’re the one making sure everything is well oiled and he has everything he needs. You could even talk to him like this and see if it helps.
2. Set Deadlines and Goals for Him Looking for a Job
If you’ve done this, and he still isn’t motivated to do anything, then speak to him about having a deadline which, if things don’t change, you will start changing them. For instance, you could say, “If you don’t have a job by December, then in January I’m going back to work and you’ll have to look after the kids.” You can’t live on people’s charity forever. It’s just not right. You can’t live in a friend’s basement; it’s not good to live in a parent’s house forever.
Now, there would be a caveat: if he genuinely is trying, and there just simply aren’t jobs in his field right now, but there are likely to be soon, then perhaps staying in a family home for a time really is the only thing you can do. In that case, it’s not that he isn’t engaged in trying to find a job; it’s that he genuinely can’t (and that very well may be true). In the above emails, though, the problem was more that the husband was refusing to work or doing nothing to move towards that goal, and that’s a problem beyond simple unemployment.
If you are going to be the one going to work, then he needs to understand what it is that he will be expected to do with the kids. Lay out a daily schedule of what needs to be done so that he sees it in black and white.
3. Accept the Possibility That He May Be a Stay At Home Dad
Perhaps it could be that you need to go out and work, and he needs to stay and care for the kids. That may not be ideal, and it may not be what you wanted. Maybe you did always want to be a stay at home mom. But if you have skills right now where it’s easier for you to get a job than it is for him to get a job, or if he can only find a part-time job, so you need your income to supplement, then that may be what you need to do. You are a team, and you have to figure out a way to bring in some money.
4. If Your Husband Won’t Get a Job, He Should Still Work
If you follow this route, though, it needs to be understood that you will not be carrying two loads. Your husband can’t refuse to work altogether. I have known women who have gone to work who have also had to put their kids in day care because the husband wouldn’t/couldn’t look after them during the day. He found it too hard. You both need to work; one (or both) bring in money, and one (or both) care for the kids. If your husband won’t work, let him know that’s not an option.
I have also known men who have carried two loads. They work full-time, and then they get home and she has done very little during the day except for making sure the kids were safe. The house is a mess. There is no dinner on. And that’s not fair, either. I’ve found that thinking of motherhood as a job description helps me tremendously. If he’s working, I should be, too, and vice versa. A husband shouldn’t be lazy, but neither should a wife. Staying at home with the kids is not an excuse to do nothing.
5. If He Doesn’t Agree to Get a Job or to Work, Get Outside Help
Finally, if he just doesn’t agree, or you can’t get him to put the video games down and work at something, I’d talk to a mentor couple, a pastor, or a counselor. As I wrote before, you are a spouse, you are not an enabler. If a man is refusing to do any work at all, and is acting like an adolescent, this isn’t something you can tolerate. It endangers the family; it endangers your relationship; but it also seriously endangers his own walk with God. He needs someone to come alongside him and tell him to “put up or shut up”. So read that post about how to get help if he just won’t do it.
Husband Won't Work But You Can't Change Him?
Maybe it’s time to stop trying to change him–and start trying to change the dynamic in your marriage!
That’s what 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is for. It shows us how sometimes the things that we believe about marriage actually hold us back from having the kind of relationship we dream of. And it shows you how to have those tough conversations when things need to change–and find that win-win where you genuinely feel like you’re on the same team!
If what you’ve been trying isn’t working, maybe you need more help. Check out the book today!
Living with someone who doesn’t have a job is tough, and so many of us are going through it. A lot of unemployed husbands are really depressed in this economy, and they are feeling like they’re not worth much of anything, which can get them on a downward spiral of trying even less. It’s so hard to watch, but it’s also really hard when you’re bearing the brunt of it. As much as possible, keep working on your friendship so that you can talk about it. Express your faith in him (without babying him). But do make plans, and do set goals, and be on his team so he that he can see his way forward. Maybe he just needs someone cheering him on!
I hope that helps, and if anyone else has ever had a husband who refused to work at a job or at school, please leave a comment and tell us how it ended up for you!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
About 2 years ago, my husband lost his job and was unemployed for two months. Let me just say that my husband has an incredible work ethic- he never misses work, ever. But, At this time we were dating and I had a full time job that paid well. I was very surprised at his reaction when he lost his job. He wasn’t motivated to find a new job, he seemed to just give up. He ended up totally “checking out”, not wanting to talk to me or come see me and I got scared. He wouldn’t accept unemployment either. I did break up with him at the end of those two months because I was scared and thought that he wasn’t who I thought he was. (However, two months later I called him and we got back together, and a year later we were married (this past Dec.)) 🙂 anyway, A few months ago he was working a horrible graveyard shift Job where he was severely underpaid and not treated well. I helped him get a full time job with the State (it’s very secure and he loves it). I’m more aggressive than he is so I was applying for jobs for him during the day (while he had to sleep for work at night) and he would review and sign them. I was frustrated but I felt this I’d what I had to do to help him because his job was physically and mentally draining (he worked at a chemical plant and the conditions were questionable). especially because on the weekend his hours would “flip” to spend time with me- he’d be awake during the day and sleep at night just to sleep all day Sunday to go to work Sunday night. It was pretty rough but he finally landed a full time day job in April. And just last night he said that his life is so much better since he married me cause I helped him with finding his job, planning for the future, etc. 🙂 I felt that I was helping him by applying for jobs for him because I already worked for the State and I knew how the process worked- not to mention it’s VERY tough to land a State job here. We found out for the position he got they had about 200 applications! I think this job gave him the boost he needed- he’s only been there four months and he’s talking about wanting a manager job maybe next year to help provide for us and our future family 🙂
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I am in the same situation in that my husband was laid off nine months ago. His ending salary was just over $90,000 per year so we are feeling the pain HARD. I have a good job too, but my husband was always the primary provider making the most money and you just can’t lose that amount of money and stay floating in most situations.
We have gone through all of our liquid savings three months ago which means that now things have to start being sold off. I just sold one of our three cars (3 because we each had one for work and we have a son in college who has an older used car he commutes with). I have taken on an extra part-time job just to keep my son in college which means I’m working one full-time and one part-time right now. I had to sell the house and go into a rental situation just this month over his amotivational attitude. My heart is broken. My heart is broken not because we are losing things, or even our financial ground, but because he doesn’t care we are losing our security and finances and we are approaching old age. I have kidney disease and an autoimmune disease that has been flaring up due to the excess work load and increased stress. I worked last month despite a severe kidney infection and outbreak of shingles that included my eyes, yet he sits home watching the Food Network all day.
We’ve been married for 23-years, but I will not allow this to go beyond twelve months. I simply won’t. This is a time limit I have set in my own mind and I intend to stick to it. I will not divorce him because of my religious beliefs and the fact I love him, but I will take a stand and move with our son to a home of our own which will force him to get a job or he won’t eat and presumably will be homeless. I simply don’t know what else to do.
So, my advice to you, and to myself, is to accept that you cannot change human behavior, but you CAN change your reaction to human behavior which will in turn force the other person to react in one way or another. If we quit supporting them by asking them to leave the home then they will have to sink or swim, but they won’t be playing video games or watching the Food Network all day any longer. This much I do know.
I know it’s a scary step and not for everyone, but if you aren’t willing to do something to change it then you can’t really whine about it anymore either.
When I married my husband, he was ineligible to work because he did not have a green card. I thought as soon as he got his green card, he would work. As it turned out, he decided to train for the D-League. We went to the tryouts and he was not accepted. I continued to work under a harsh tyrant of a boss for another year, something my husband and I had not agreed to. During the last eight months, I had multiple breakdowns and ended up being recommended for partial hospitalization after being unable to report to work for a few days. During this time, my husband watched me break down. He would pray for me, he would fast for me, but he refused to own his responsibility to provide. His mother has always supported him and even has supported his daughter. Lately, it seems he has had a shift in attitude, seemingly admitting that he must be the primary provider, but spending a lot of time in God’s presence as opposed to getting out there to pound the pavement. I think it’s important to seek God’s direction, but also I am a firm believer in action. Now he wants both of us to look for work simultaneously. I have told him that I will look for work after he finds work. I do not want to return to the way things were. If I get work, I am afraid the financial pressure will ease and he will go back to coasting. We are under tremendous financial pressure. I told him I would write until he found work and that if he had an issue with that, we could go see the Pastor. He is clearly disgruntled. My first husband, though not a Christian until six and one-half weeks before the Lord took him home, was a tremendous provider. My current husband doesn’t seem to have that same burden. I refuse to let him watch me nearly self-destruct in a horrific job situation again. I am praying that God will sustain his awareness that he MUST be the primary provider and that, eventually, the Holy Spirit will help him to OWN his responsibility.
I’m praying with you!
Praying is not going to help you. You need to seperate yourself from this person if they refuse to provide even for themselves.
Even Jesus said, “Love yourself first!”
He did nothing of the sort! She is right to pray and seek God’s help. Without God there is nothing.
Oh wow! Im dealing with the same with my husband not havjng his greencard yet and always saying i cant get a job noone will hire me And now we habe a 9 month old son and still DOESNT WANT TO PROVIDE! How long did ur husband got a job!?? And how long u stayed home recovering
Dear AJ
I too have a husband like yours I almost cried hearing youe story and in a way it brought me comfort knowing I wasnt alone. Ive been married 30 years my husband was laid off going on two years now. I work for my father part time and im his caregiver. I run his business work side jobs and take care of my fatber take care of my five children and know exactly how u feel. I have finally hit the end of my road I decided to move out and go live with my father and im taking my two youngest children with me. I feel angry with him that I have to do this but if i don’t change something then nothing will ever change. Im the one that worries about how to get groceries and to buy clothes shoes etc for my kids my older kids work all five of my children work and all have helped keep us in our home but they have student loans to pay and some are still in school and im so angry that he feels no shame that all my kids and myslef work and he doesnt. Even my 16 yr old does lawns to pay for the things he needs. He was never extemely helpful to begin with and when he got laid off he wouldnt even make dinner or clean up and I too have been sick and got shingles twice! It hurts me to have to do this and leave my home just to get him to do something but I have talked with him encouraged him shown him jobs gotten angry cried tried to make him see what it was doing to me. I have become a very depressed angry and stressed out person and I feel very alone when it comes to solving problems and it sucks!
Let me add that he was a mamas boy and still is and I believe this has made things worse because his mom sends him a check every month which I dont see any of it. His mom doesnt speek to me…thats a whole other story so for me leaving is the only option. I figure if his maid is gone he will have to figure things out for himself and hopefully change. The hardest part for me is leaving my older kids and my home. It wasnt a random decision its been over two years to decide to finally do this. I hope ur situation changes and your husband wakes up before he looses you and everything else ….
My husband and i have been together for 10 years and we’ve been married for 3 years. He had a job at a warehouse for 4 years then he decided to quit because he wants to pursue his music career. We are active in our church and we’re both in music ministry and i supported him 110% but times are harder because his income are only $1200.00 where our total household expenses and bills are $3900.00. I talked to my husband about him getting a job so it wont be so hard on me.. as my health is not good and im frustrated paying most of our bill all these years. my husbands status is asylum which is still in the process and he doesnt have a work permit so he cant legally work in the US and i’ll have my citizenship in 2 years and i will definitly sponsor him to get his asylum / green card. but all that need money and i cant afford to pay his lawyer as i think it is about time that he carru his own weight and contribute to our savings for our future. i dont know what to do.. i love him and i wont leave him but he seems to shut down every time i talked about him getting a job , was i being to hard on him? all i want is for him to carry his own weight and pay his part of the expenses thats all .. i dont expect him to pay for my bill and expenses.. i really hope somehow God will open his heart and eyes so he will be a man and a husband that God wants him to be. im frustrated but i know i have to be patient but for how long i can do this.. i dont know. please i need advise. thank you dor reading..:)
Dear Aj
Your story it is exactly what is going on with me.
I am so depressed about my situation but my husband seems not to be concerned.
What I have decided to do is to move in with sister, perhaps that will force him to find a job for himself.
Pray for me as I pray for you.
I’m going through the exact same thing and I’m moving with a close close friend of mine
I am pleased to see you are taking a stand for your son and yourself. You can not change another person, although it is the harder road, you will prevail. God bless you and keep you strong.
What happened? Did your husband get a job, or did you move with your son? I too an in awful situation where I am the only one in house working and life is very very difficult.
I totally agree with you mam…i undrrstand what you are going through….
Decision making are tough and decisions like this are tougher….but have to b on either side…. life cant go like this.
I have a big problem with my husband. He worked for 20 years in an insurance firm and he got outsourced from people in India. So since 13 years he’s be unemployed.
I help him find employment but he always gives me excuses. He doesn’t want to do anything at all. I’ve been working for over 30 years in a college. I can’t retire when my time comes. Thank God we don’t have any children. I would need advice. Should I still keep him or not. thank you!
My husband stopped working 8 years ago. We lost our house, 2 cars. Our divorce was final June 2017. It hurts to be alone but the stress of doing this along has been released. He said i shouldve stayed even if we became homeless. Enough was enough. Arguing every time i bring up him not having a job. No one ever knew he wasnt contributing. I wish you all the best. I thought i was truly the only woman dealing with this. Its impossible to love something you feel no responsibility for.
My husband was in the ministry but can’t find a job on and off for 37 yrs, of our marriage, he refuses to look for any other kind of jobs saying God needs to put him in the ministry again, or he won’t work, He blames God or me for past failures and with two masters degrees he still refuses to look for anything else, I’m very sick and cannot work and his last job he was fired, I feel he needs help but says God needs to get things right, so he teaches bible studies at church with this attitude while also only seeking ministry jobs, He needs to work anything so bills will be paid but he’s like playing games with God saying he’s not going to work unless it’s ministry, he didn’t renew his substitute. teaching certificate so there’s nothing to fall back on, I’ve been showing him jobs to apply but he’s refusing, instead he took out a big loan to pay bills and blames me for all the medical bills, I’ve asked some Christian friends to talk to him but nobody will, This has happened many times in our 37 years of marriage.. seriously I’m very sick, he has to get s job and not blame God,
As for me am at the brink of collapse it has been 7 years of struggle as the breadwinner after my husband resigned from his job, I have to look for food, pay bills, rent and school fees for my kids, I dont know what to do, I am so confused, He left work to start a ministry. can someone link me to some help I really need conselling
You call lazy your husband, maybe, but are lazy who born and never work, like two I know, a man 25 big man but super lazy and a second 23 old woman look for SS. Many peoples was look for job and can’t found, but what about illegals? what about smart lazy? what about older must support a youngers? Gov must close down Welfare, are a lot of woman have a many child but don’t won work,close down welfare, food stamp, section 8, force all lazy go work and paid back all wrong money collect from tax payer. I hate lazy, I am 66 and disable, but must doing what another 25 lazy sleep all day, and come down for food, it not right.Destroy welfare, no work? no eat and sleep in a street. I no have any compasion for lazy.
Getting rid of Welfare is not the answer. There are many hardworking people that have been laid off from their jobs and had a difficult time finding one. Some ran out of unemployment benefits and forced to get on Welfare until they got back on their feet. Yes, it was embarrassing for them, but they had to do it in order to avoid living on the street. Welfare should be temporary, not for the rest of your life. So, not all people on Welfare are lazy. Some are on it for just a short period or until they finally get a job. You get rid of Welfare, they will be a lot more people living on the streets.
Many working people have incomes low enough that they qualify for section 8, food stamps, etc. Not everyone on food sTampa and section 8 is lazy.
To anyone who assumes everyone receiving government help is lazy:
A huge percentage of people on Foodstamps, state insurance, etc DO work. Many have multiple jobs per household but it’s still not enough and rely on things like Foodstamps to survive. Also, if you actually LOOK at where your taxes go you’ll see how little goes to these programs.
Side note: One of my friends has a son in college. They live in subsidized housing. His grant money was counted as income to calculate their rent.
TL:DR A few people really ARE lazy and they really DO abuse the system. They’re the kids who poop in the pool and everyone has to get out. But most people aren’t. Educate yourself.
You remind me of my Mother in Law, she told me when they were first married and had my husband, she was home alone all the time, my FIL was driving an hour away working 7 days a week on a farm getting paid peanuts, she had enough one day, called a company that was hiring, called the farm manager and said he was sick and she drove to the company and dropped him off. He’s worked there for 30 years and provided very well for them. She said he would never rock the boat himself and to be fair when you’re working those kind of hours it’s harder to find another job, she said she didn’t know if it was going to work but she was in a house with a baby spent 30 mins a night with her husband and he took the only car to work, this was her only chance to a real life.
That’s a great story! I think it’s a great illustration of how women can actually “help” their husbands in a very real way! Maybe that’s why God had us marry them…
I am in a similar situation. My husband was working in retail because he was downsized from an IT position from a bank which paid well. He left the retail position and was looking for another IT job. He had one lined up and at the last minute (a Friday before a (Monday start) the company recindex the offer. Ever since then, he was so discourage that he stopped looking for a job. That was 3 years ago. Since then he he become Mr. Mom (picking up son from school when needed) doing laundry and cleaning and most of tge cooking. However, my job is not ebough to pay the bills and he doesn’t have any motivation to work except the household things he is doing. He has no savings left. I pay for everything including his haircuts etc. What could I do? He wants to move but he has no money to move. It’s all on me. I am rumming a small business tutoring students.
We’ve been through this, and you hit the nail on the head! My husband worked to support us when we first got married and I was finishing college, but we moved after I graduated so I could go to grad school and it took a long time for him to start looking for another job. We were ok living on my fellowship, but we don’t have kids yet, so he didn’t have much work to do at home and spent lots of time playing video games. I wish I had learned how to deal with it sooner. I was so frustrated and I felt like I was enabling him to waste his time, but for some reason I thought if I helped him find a job, I would be babying him. He needed to do it on his own, I thought. I didn’t want to act like his mother. But we’re a team! It turns out it was exactly what you said: he was so nervous to do the initial searching and interviewing, getting a job seemed too overwhelming. He needed encouragement and help, not more weight. I know exactly what it feels like to have something seem too scary you don’t even know where to start and you don’t want to try! I wish I had realized sooner that it wasn’t laziness on his part, he just needed a partner who was on his side instead of someone being judgmental. Now the job he got has given him the confidence to go back to school too, even though applying and auditioning still seems like scary work. This time though, I know that my job as his wife is to help him and he knows he can come to me for that help and encouragement 🙂
I agree with Courtney too- I didn’t want to be his mom so to speak- but soon I realized he was just overwhelmed at the process, where as I jumped at every job apication I could find when I was applying for my job. It was very difficult at times especially because he would play video games during his downtime and I would feel so angry because he could be spending that time applying for jobs. It was a tough process but we came out of it a lot stronger and more understanding of how the other one works. We are opposites so it’s challenging but so worth it 🙂
Well, to the first wife, no, it isn’t your responsibility to get him to study. Yes, you can create an environment that allows him quiet time (take the kids to the park for a couple hours, don’t keep presenting him with ‘honey do tasks’), but it isn’t your job to say “okay, it’s time to study now.” Especially since he’s not responding to your encouragement to study in the first place. I would sit him down and tell him “Sweetie, I’m more than happy to arrange my day to allow you study time. Just let me know when you want the house quiet. But telling you that you need to study is really not being respectful of you. I know that you are capable of managing your own time, and I’m sorry that I’ve not shown you respect when I tell you that you need to study” If he still insists that it’s your job to tell him to study, say, “No, we’ve tried that and it wasn’t working for us. I trust you to do the studying you need to do, and I will support you by keeping the kids out of your hair and not asking you to do a bunch of stuff around the house.” Having said that, I do see value in Sheila’s advice to sit down and help him set out a study schedule IF he is willing to do that. But that is way different that you simply telling him that he needs to study. I just know that with my husband, we approach things quite differently and he wouldn’t respond at all to my “oh so wise” time management plan. Sometimes the best course of action is to let them learn by trial and error and offer insight when they ask for it.
If he chooses to not study and doesn’t pass, he’s learned a valuable lesson. Tough, but valuable, and since you’ve removed yourself from the responsibility of getting him to study, he can’t blame you if he doesn’t pass. (although he’ll probably try)
Honestly, I don’t even tell my high school kids when to study. It’s their classes, they manage their time….. that’s just how we roll around here.
To the second wife….I have exclusively breastfed 3 children while working, it is a pain but it can be done. Maybe you don’t want to work and/or you and your husband have agreed you don’t have to while you have a baby, which is fine. But with a good breast pump, you can still make sure your baby gets breast milk if you decide to work.
We own a farm and have a contracting business to supplement our farm income. But this is seasonal and weather dependent, we often talk about heading to another area during our slow season but there always seems to be a reason not too. I often get frustrated by this, because I am the one who sees the bills and has to make ends meet, and talk to the bank when things get overdue etc. I have often offered to find work, but he wont hear of it, he is very old fashioned and believes that the wife should be the keeper at home.
My husband has a back injury which makes him very slow in the mornings till his pain relief kicks in. sometimes the day does not start till nearly lunch time. I find it helpful to ask the night before what the plan is for tomorrow, then get the day started early enough with breakfast and early medication. Start with small steps, as has already been said. Also having a budget and knowing how much money we need each week helps. To be able to say, we need $??? this week and it is already Wednesday, how are we going to do this, can make a difference. The Bible says that if you don’t work you should not eat, and he who does not provide for his household is worse than an infidel. We have always lived by this motto, even though at times it has been very hard. My advice from experience is love your husband, respect him, you are his wife not his mother. But if he wont or cant work, you have to. Maybe find something you can do from home, always be on the look out for how you can make and save money. At the moment I milk cows, raise calves, pigs, and chickens. Grow some of our veges and make soap. the soap brings in a bit of pocket money, which at times is what puts fuel in our cars. All the rest enables us to eat like kings on a very limited budget. I realize that not everybody can do this, but there is no excuse for not doing what you can with what you have got.
I know all this has already been said so has the last thing that I am going to say, you both have to work. where ever it is.
One more thing, in my mind, if you can afford video games, you should be able to afford a place of your own. My mentality is that video games are a luxury of luxuries and should be at the bottom of the priority list, if there is a need that would be the first thing on my for sale list. Sorry if this is negative or offensive.
Well, I suppose someone could go and sell everything, but trying to sell a video game used isn’t going to really net you a luxury profit, so I see why many people would keep their gaming consoles and games until they do get a job. I think the issue for some would lie in the escapism of playing video games endlessly while job applications or studying wait. And that’s really a personal issue some people need to work through if they have a job, or not, live in a friend’s basement, or have a McMansion.
I’m in a similar boat…I don’t want to go into all the details but right now I am planning to cancel the cable TV if only so my husband has nothing to do and will apply for jobs. If he has things distracting him that he can use as an excuse, take it away and save some money too.
My husband had a sore on his toe that would not heal due to diabetes. Its been healed now for several months. He has been out of work for a year. All the does is sit in front of his computer and play an online mmorpg, with a couple women he talks to all day…….
I’m about fed up with I’m and I’m going to move out and leave him here alone. 🙂 Lets see him pay the bills then.
that is the most true thing I have read here, about video games and escapism. My husband is to the point where he can’t tell fantasy from reality and has lost the ability to have a civil conversation.
It’s true.
Well said. I would get rid of video games too! I trew tv in the bacemant and my husband helps me out more.
I do agree that it is possible to nurse a baby and work full-time. I did it. You do need to invest in a good double pump. (Medela has a great one – or at least did several years ago.) I can also relate to the job for husband’s difficulty. It really helps men to be able to support their family in every way. I have been in a marginally similar situation and it is tough. However, the real reason I am posting is the overwhelmed storage shed! I have a friend who decluttered her basement by going downstairs and looking at what she could see and making a plan for those items (keep, give away, throw away). She then would allocate some time to go do one item at a time. It might be move it to an identified temporary area, or toss in the garbage. Then she was done for the day. (One is always allowed to do more, but must do the minimum daily!) She emptied and cleaned the entire basement in less time than she imagined was possible. I have done the same thing with a room. My rule was never walk by the room without dealing with one item in one of the boxes (and there were a lot!) Now sometimes, that wasn’t possible, but a lot of the time it was. The room was emptied and useable in fairly short order.
My husband graduated from college last May. Currently I am in a contract with my job which I have 1 year left on. My husband has been looking for a job that fits his degree in the line of work he would like. According to my husband, there is not really anything in the job market for his degree in the town we are living in and he doesn’t want to settle for the minimum wage job since he has his degree now. He’s looked at a couple of potential jobs, researches them and decides that the wage isn’t that great. I think to some extent, he knows how much I make and thinks he should make at least as much as I do.
How long do I wait and be supportive of him in finding his “dream job” and maybe suggesting that it’s ok to tell him that maybe he needs to reevaluate what he’s looking for for the time being and realizing he may not get the top notch paying job immediately? I’ve thought multiple times to suggest that he could get a job that sounds interesting enough and to keep looking for another one since it seems he feels like a failure for not having a full time job?
Sarah – could you guys sit down and talk about a deadline so to speak? Like, “try out this job for 6 months and then see what you want to do.” I did the same thing with my husband….except he ended up liking the pay and the job enough to stay. It took quite a bit of nudging (and silently arguing with him) to get him in gear.
I do understand about him not wanting minimum wage jobs. My husband didn’t either. However I researched different job websites and found quite a few jobs between a certain pay range. They were a variety of jobs but it had the pay range he wanted. Eventually he got motivated and we worked together to find him a new job.
I know this post comes late, but my husband never did white collar work he was always more of a blue collar type of guy ( delivery truck driver, pressure washer, etc). We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years and he has been unemployed for 2 of them. My husband is the videographer at our church and is very talented. He produces the commercials and films and edits the show for television. He is so good that when he told me he wanted to do it full time and work for himself, I agreed to him quitting his job and getting his business license. I have no idea what happened, but after he quit his job his motivation to perfect his business has diminished. I can literally count on one hand the number of projects he did in 2 years! I just had a baby 4 months ago and the whole time I was pregnant he still had no motivation to work. I don’t get it, he is so talented! I have been working since 2 months postpartum and he stays home with the baby. I hate that he gets to stay home with our daughter and not me . He says he will get a job since his business isn’t working out. But that has been fruitless. He was working on his CDL since I found out I was pregnant and he still doesn’t have it. I told him he needs to do something soon since we want a house. Please help!
Shadey- I know this post comes late, but I had to reply to your comment because your situation mirrors mine EXACTLY!!!! My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have been married 4 years. He also was a blue collar type of guy when we meet and is also the videographer at our church. He produces the tv show, commercials, etc. He is extremely talented and has his business license too! He is so good that I also agreed that he could quit his job and persue his skill full time. The second he quit his job,however, he also lost confidence in his self!!! I don’t know what happend. I make decent money so I have been supporting us for the past 3 years since he quit his job. I can literally count on one hand the amount of jobs that he’s done in those 3 years! I had our fist child last year and during my pregnancy he said he was going to get his CDL license. But that too has been unfruitful! After I gave birth, I stayed home for 2 months for maternity leave and he still had no motivation to do anything. During that time I got so mad watching him do nothing I slightly lost respect, because now we have a child and you still don’t want to do anything to make their future better! After that, I returned to work mad, because he was the one that got to stay home with the baby and he had no experience with babies. So he had to learn quickly. It’s now been a year and he says that he will continue to get his CDL and bring in some income since his business isn’t working out. I told him he needs to do that soon, because we just closed on a house and I will not be paying for this by myself! Maybe your husband, like mine, got scared once they decided to do videography full time. Running a business is hard work, especially when its your own. Because when you’re your own boss you must motivate yourself or the work won’t get done, which means you don’t make any money! Perhaps this was a lot for them to realize at first. I know they have talent, but they need the drive also to make that talent a successful business. I told my husband he needs to find a job in the mean time. Hopefully while working for someone else he can see what is neccessary for him to work for himself.
Shadey + Alice = almost me perfectly too!! Only no kids thankfully. Together 12 yrs, married 5. He’s an amazing photographer and I agreed to let him pursue that and so he quit his job. I too can count on one hand the paid projects he’s done during that time period. Out of the 12 yrs we’ve been together, he’s had full time work for 2 of them. I don’t make great money but do a LOT of side jobs. I toss him jobs I can’t take on because I’m too busy. I send him jobs I find online he might like. I basically spoonfeed everything for him because if I don’t do it it won’t get done.
We are incredibly happy together (perk: he cooks), but this is just grating on me and despite all my best efforts, he still lacks the motivation to DO ANYTHING.
I fixed my credit and have done what I need to purchase a home next year (saving on a downpayment for 2 years), but I know I can’t afford a house myself and if we buy a home we’d be relying on MY credit, MY savings, and MY job history because of MY hard work. And he gets to swoop right on in and live in a house because of MY hard work and his refusal to do anything productive.
I am in the same boat and am in desperate need of encouragement and advice. Please!
When my husband and I first got engaged, I had just lost my job teaching at a private school and so we agreed to buckle down financially and use almost all of our savings in order to allow me to go back to get my Master’s so I was more marketable and was certified to teach in public schools. After working my buns off, I graduated from a two-year program in one year and am now teaching high school. Meanwhile, my husband was working as an auditor at a public accounting firm and was miserable. He had been looking for jobs for about a year but since he didn’t have his CPA (and had already dumped literally thousands of dollars down the drain taking and failing CPA exams for which he had not studied well enough), no one was interested. Then, he started allowing his work to suffer, ostensibly for the sake of his desperate job search– coming in late or leaving early, taking off or claiming he was working from home (but then not really getting much actual work done), and missing deadlines. Only six months after I was hired, he was fired.
That was in February. Together, we decided that, while he would continue the job hunt, the wisest course of action was for him to take this time to pass the CPA exams so he was more marketable. We calculated how long we could survive on my salary alone and made our plan. He spent most of the spring avoiding studying. To his credit, he was productive at first, finding odd chores around our house or going over to his parents’ or his aunt’s houses to help with larger projects, but, as I pointed out to him, he was meeting short-term goals to the detriment of his ultimate long-term goal (being employed somewhere he loved).
By the time the school year ended for me, we were getting pretty desperate for money and he had not taken any of the four CPA exams. Additionally, he was doing less and less around the house. I would come home from work to find him sitting in his boxers (sans shower) in front of the TV with Facebook or ESPN.com on his open laptop, having woken up around 11am or so, dishes from dinner the night before still in the sink or on the stove, and the dog hyperactive from not having had a walk all day. If I was lucky, he would have taken some type of meat out of the freezer to thaw so I had something with which to start dinner. I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with him, so-to-speak, and he admitted that he had wasted a lot of time and needed to get going on studying.
However, he continues to drag his feet about it and has had to push back a couple of his scheduled exam sessions due to lack of preparation and took one of the tests without having studied enough. It doesn’t matter if I nag– he does what he wants, which rarely involves him studying. He even came with me when I drove from Maryland to Chicago for a conference in the hopes that him being locked in a hotel room with nothing to do all day would force him to study. He scheduled an exam for the day after we returned to assist with that goal. Instead, he studied a bit but also slept in and messed around on the Internet and then insisted that I drive the entire twelve hours home so he could study the whole way.
I have pointed out to him that he is holding our lives hostage. We literally ran out of money this month and don’t know what we are going to do in order to pay our bills. I have been going to as many paid conferences and professional developments as I can in order to supplement our income and am advising two student organizations and coaching for the same purpose. I am exhausted and he continues to sleep in and then putz around the house. It has been seven months since he was fired and, while there are bursts of job-hunting/studying activity occurring and sporadic attempts to contribute to the housework, the majority of his time (and subsequently our time/life together) is wasted. I am at the end of my rope.
What happened Erin? I’m curious.
I’ve been in a relationship with my man since 2001. He was 5 years older than me and didn’t have a job. We moved in together anyway. For 5 years he worked his butt off while I went to college. Then I worked my butt off while he went to college AND I went to grad school. I have a pretty sweet job now, it pays enough for us to barely get by. He graduated college last May. He barely looks for work, he has a reason why every job isn’t right for him. He’s applying to law school for the fall and if he gets in, that will be enough, but I can’t just live on pause for 7 months. But he can. It is killing me. I never thought I’d be the girl to throw away love this serious over money.
He’s my best friend, he’s an incredible lover, he’s so supportive and accepting of me. But I just want him to work a little and I can’t get him to and I don’t think I can deal with it any more.
Hi.my situation is a little bit similar i guess.ive been married for a almost 2 years now with my husband.i was working in a nursing home when i meet him and he was workig as an accounting officer for less than a year.we became friends and eventually became lovers then he asked me to move in with him and stay in his mothers place where he is staying also.so i said yes and everything was history.we got married after a year of living together and during those times his been in and out of work..money was very difficult coz after i moved in with him i got fired from my work.we have to leave from his mothers support when he is out of work.
After we get married he landed another job that has a better pay and benefits.on my part i was able to find a job also and for a year that i was working he ddnt give me trouble about his work.he ddnt complain about resigning but his poor work ethics still manifests coz he always like to miss work.now im not working again coz my husband asked me to resign.my mother in law is selling her house now and we need to find a place of our own.problem now is he giving me trouble again.he always take leave form work now,everyweek he would take 3 days off from work and would only work 2 days a week maximum.money is tight coz im not working and we need to find a place to rent two months from now..im just so tired of being angry already all the time coz i felt like our married life is not secured..i dont know what to say to him anymore.all i can feel is resentment and anger towards him everytime he decides to not go to work or quit his job.
We dont have children yet although i really wanted to have already but i guess it is a blessing somehow that we dont have yet coz of this instability.i hope you all can help me.my parents dont know what ive am going through.nobody knows.
And I should note that we borrowed a couple thousand dollars from my parents to pay for CPA-prep software that creates study plans and chunks the material and basically walks him through the preparation for all four exams, so I feel like he can’t claim he is overwhelmed.
Erin, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You must be absolutely overwhelmed.
I am a newlywed and my husband and I have gone through job issues on his end, recently in fact. He became overwhelmed very easily about applying for a new job and when I’d ask about what jobs he applied for that day, he would shut down and not want to talk. This was very discouraging. He would prefer to play video games in the short window of free time he had before he had to sleep and go to work while i would think “you could be applying for jobs! You know you need a new one!”. I’m a natural go-getter so when I found myself needing a new job a few months later I applied for EVERYTHING I could in the field that I was looking for. Then, I started applying for jobs for him too – I hated it sometimes because I felt like I was doing all the work, (updating his resume, creating a cover letter, etc) but at that time he was working a graveyard shirt an hour away and was too tired to do anything except sleep what little he could. So as his wife and partner, I stepped up and helped out how I could -which was applying for jobs for him. And it eventually worked – he got a new job this past April and I got a new job just a month later. We are both making a little more than we did and our jobs are secure. But it took a lot of talking, arguing, praying, and patience (which I try to have).
I have to ask – does your husband still want to be an Auditor? Since he’s kinda sending you mixed signals (he wants to study/he won’t study/he does other projects instead) it just sounds to me like maybe he doesn’t want to pursue that anymore? I admire you for finding extra work for you two to get by each month – I’m sure that’s very difficult and draining.
If I were in your situation, I would do the following: sit down with him and have a talk. I am naturally outgoing and a bit aggressive so I would make sure that my tone isn’t provoking (although I might be angry inside) and ask if there’s anything I can do to help. Yes, you’ve done a lot so far but just see what he says. Then you guys can talk about what HE can do. You guys are a TEAM. Yes, he’s the one that’s looking for a job. But maybe he needs your help and doesn’t want to admit it. My husband (when he was working graveyard shift and desperately needed a day job in town – his health was being affected and it was a BAD situation and bad pay) shut down on me quite a few times and I felt like I had to hold his hand a bit. But sometimes he has to hold my hand too. Was the fact that I found and submitted hundreds of applications for him worth his current job? Absolutely. He’s happier. He’s put on 10 pounds (the guy was a stick.) And he’s now even looking at management positions at his current job. 🙂
I will be praying for you and your husband. Keep your chin up. I know the feeling of “JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!.” But as much as I may want to, I cannot change my husband. I can talk, I can cry, I can vent, but he’ll do what he wants. Eventually we got on the same page and worked together as a team. And we’re much stronger for it.
The story with the video gamer? I went through exactly that (but with one child, not three). We lost our home and had nowhere to go but his parents’ dark dirty apartment in a rough neighborhood. I was working (and in school, and nursing a baby) but my income just wasn’t enough. He never got motivated, he never tried even once. After exhausting all options (interventions, counseling, prayer, etc) I chose to divorce him. That was 5 years ago. I have since remarried and have more children. He is exactly where I left him, playing video games 12 hours a day. He’s never worked since and he’s about $23,000 behind on child support. The worst part is that my child from this marriage does her very best to imitate him and challenges us constantly. 🙁
I’ve been married nearly 6 years, and my husband has never had a “real job” in all that time. When we got married he moved to my place and did start looking for jobs and went on a few interviews but nothing panned out. He claims there is no job for him (he has more skills than me!), and then he complains that no one will hire him so it’s not his fault. Meanwhile, I work full-time and have two volunteer positions in my free time. We really could use the money ANY job he would take would give us, but luckily he hasn’t added too much to the the expenses I was already paying living alone. We are older and have no children, thankfully. Every time I even remotely hint that he should apply for some jobs, I get screamed at. I find it harder and harder to respect him as a man–maybe I’m old fashioned–but still I do. I know that if I left him he’d just move in with his mother who’s not financially well off. Sure he may be very well be depressed, but I can’t force him to go to the doctor nor can I force him to get a job. I’ve just kind of accepted the situation the way it is, but it does bother my parents and brother. They don’t respect him, and there is always that elephant in the room at family get togethers. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with him.
Please tell me how to maintain a good relationship once the respect is gone. I’ve lost all respect for my husband, who ran us into debt $30K in 3 years and had a lean put against MY house! I had to let him go, I have 3 children and he was so financially unresponsible. He tied his own house up with his business, and rather than just lose everything, he throws more money at the fire every month. I don’t know what he’s thinking, except he’s finanacially all but ruined me. Respect? How do you rekindle that? I couldnt do it.
Omg that sounds exactly like my husband 🙁 I love him so much.. We have been married 3 years and he’s only work about 2 months out of 3 years .. He gets so mad when I mention a job and he always tells me he can go live with his mom. He’s almost 40 and rather live with his mommy than work.. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care. We are always broke and worrying about money. I am disabled and have a teen daughter.. All three of us live on only $800 a month 🙁 Do you know how hard that is? Its a struggle to even afford basic stuff like shampoo and necessities . I just feel so over whelmed. 🙁
I felt so fortunate to have come on this site & begin reading comments; my husband has been unemployed for a little more than a year & he seems stuck. He was “downsized” from his last job because he simply didn’t have the needed skill set to match the jobs that were being requested. He’s one of those proverbial “nice guys” that people like to be around, but he doesn’t have a skill set to back up his talk. We had just bought a house & I recall asking him if this job felt secure. His answer (as is a common response to almost anything you ask him) “Sure”. We have spent money on suits, plane tickets to cities that he comes home from, sure he has a job (to the point of telling me to submit my notice at work cause we’re moving – I didn’t) & then him becoming increasingly passive aggressive when I ask a week or 2 later what the job status is.
I guess I might feel more sympathetic if he hadn’t been so insistent the entire time we were dating & early into married life that “both of us have to work to have the lifestyle we want”. In the 15 years we’ve been married, I have been unemployed a grand total of 3 weeks. This is a blessing & I thank God everyday that I have stable employment. I guess I’m just starting to resent getting up at the crack of dawn & leaving for work while he sits at the kitchen table having breakfast & reading the paper on his Ipad. He does the laundry & will occasionally vacuum the floor but that’s it. No cooking, no other cleaning, no planning for any socialization of any form. He wants me to run our social life (what little there is now) & he’s always full of suggestions for other people about what they need to do financially or politically while I know that back at home, he doesn’t follow any of his own advice. We live in a nice home which I currently pay the mortgage on & don’t have a tremendous amount of debt but he’s just finished wiping out the little bit of money he inherited from his parents. I have a savings account that he informed me last week was 1/2 his in the event we ever divorced. When I try to talk to him about our finances, he’s quick to tell me that if we need more money in our household, I should pick up some extra shifts/projects since my skill set seems more valuable at this time than his. I already work 60 hours a week; when is it his turn to start?????
We’ve lived as roommates for the past 3 years due to his erectile dysfunction. I’m told I’m attractive, outgoing, & smart but lately, people I’ve known a while have been telling me how surprised they were that I ever married this guy. They don’t dislike him, they just always figured I’d go for more of an achiever type. Lately, some of the executives at my workplace have been hinting that they’d like to get to know me a bit better & for the 1st time in my married life, I’m truly tempted. I never thought I’d be one of those women who considered an affair but with no support, no sex, no money, & a man who’s more of a taker than a giver for the past year, it’s looking more & more appealing.
Thanks for letting me vent. It helped more than you know.
Hi Patty – you don’t know me, but trust me, you need to separate the two. If your first marriage is not working out, do not have an affair to get out of it. I did, and ended up marrying my ‘all that’ guy – and HE is the one who moved in with me and my kids and took up the hobby of couch potato. After 3 years, he was given the ultimatum to man up or get out – and he got out. I miss him more than I can say – but I knew him for 10 years as my best friend – if you can’t marry your best friend, who can you marry? And, he knew of my situtation married – he was full of ideas and advice – and holy moly – he did the EXACT same thing! But, it hurts more because I trusted him and he knew and he did the same things. So – bottom line, I am working on ME, why for some reason I tend to allow myself to fall into the ‘head of household’ role – and until then, I am NOT going to get into another relationship – in other words, work on yourself. If you don’t “love” your husband, get counseling. If you are not able to work things out, try separated for awhile – he may change, you may change – but an affair? No way – worst thing you can do. I don’t regret my first divorce, but I never should have gotten involved with another person so quickly – he did the same thing and this time, what a mess!
Just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean it might not work out for Pattyb.
She might be really attractive and one of those execs could really fall in love with her and they may share a full-filling, fun and financially responsible lifestyle. And she could look back and say, thank God I divorced that dud. Why should everyone use your vague example as a barometer?
I say go for it, Pattyb!
Hi all! I definitely am dealing with this burden as well. I fell in love with my husband ‘s wonderful personality and charm. He is a convicted felon but has been a model citizen since his 1 offense at age 18 which also caused him to not obtain his high school diploma. His situation makes it difficult for him to find a job. He was fired from 2 positions in which I stood beside him after both and provided the encouragement and support he needed but he seems to have stopped trying. I at times get very overwhelmed and also feel like I’m raising a child as opposed to having a husband. We don’t have any children and he keeps the house tidy in most cases but mostly sleeps during the day and plays on his phone. I want to give him a deadline but I’m afraid it’ll just get him all upset again and nothing with get accomplished… Praying for change
Hello all, I am relieved to not feel alone in this problem, whenever I try to talk to friends about my situation they all tell me to leave my husband which isn’t very helpful.
My husband is also out of work, but my problem is that he has NEVER worked in his life. You might wonder why I dated him in the first place, but when I met him he had been at one of the top universities in the country with a good degree so I thought he was an ambitious person. In fact over the years I have begun to realise just how little ambition, drive and motivation he has especially when it comes to supporting his new family. I have also seen how he was spoilt by his parents growing up, the only job he ever had was when he was 15 doing a paper round which he couldn’t be bothered to do so his mother did it for him, and the only reason he went to university was because his mother chose which one and made him go!
We have been together 5 years and now have beautiful twin sons who are going to be 1 next month and who deserve every bit of financial security they can get, and still nothing has changed. We have also been living with my parents for the last 7 months in order to make ends meet and STILL he has no self-confidence to get a job. He is 28 and has no real work experience and therefore does not believe himself worthy of getting a job. For the 100th time we had the conversation about him looking for work and I told him last week that he has to get something because we can’t live like this forever, and his response was that he will and has been looking but is scared. In the week since then he has inquired about 1 job to which they sent him back an application that he is yet to fill out – the deadline is tomorrow!
Having worked all my life, I am returning to full time work myself, but I don’t want him to be able to just be a stay at home parent, because I’m not allowed to do that when I would love to so why should he? He desperately needs to learn a good work ethic, because at the moment he wakes in the middle of the day, helps out for a few hours with the twins and stays up at night playing computer games. If he doesn’t get a job soon I am struggling to think how I can stay with him without becoming bitter and angry towards him and eventually leaving. I love him and want to be proud of him and gain respect back, because at the moment I don’t have much respect for him. He now promises to get a job but is looking at the shortest amount of hours saying he wants to only work part time and picks apart every job I ask him to apply to. We’ll see what happens but either way I already have two babies I can’t be dealing with a third, and I definitely won’t be in this situation next year so something is going to have to change.
Mine has been unemployed for 4 years now. There have been short term jobs in the interim. He’s not depressed, and has been on maybe two interviews, the most recent was last month where he, we threw our hearts into the app because it would have been a great one for him. He is honestly looking, has been. I vascillate between get a dag gone job, this load is too much and understanding, because I know he has been looking. I get mad when I come home after working all day and there is a sink of dishes and no food cooking, and I still wind up having to help the kid with homework and it looks like he has been on facebook all or most of the day haranguing and witnessing to people. I don’t know what to do anymore!
And just when I thought I was all alone, I stumbled upon this article. Let me say the person I married and the person I’m with now seem like complete opposite. I’ve been with my guy for almost 5 yrs and married for 2. The last five years he was in the military and it will be a year since he has been out. He lacks ambition, drive, and motivation. His family see no wrong in that but quickly acknowledges my faults. I helped him with his resume, I applied for jobs for him and I brought home applications but he doesn’t apply himself. He sits at home all day and play video games. Once a week he may cook or clean. And then when I’m off during the weekend he looks at me and ask ” why do you look so angry?” When I bring things up, he say “oh I took care of you when I was the military!” Mind you I was in the military too while we were just dating. I paid my rent and I drove us to and from work. When I got out I looked for work and I collected unemployment, I never put us in a financial bind like the one I’m in now. I had to beg him to collect umemployment because he is so stubborn. It’s a temporary fix but it’s not going to solve our long term issues. I haven’t had sex with him in almost 4 months because I’m just not into him like I used to be. I’m pretty unhappy as of lately, especially about his attitude with everything. The “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to try”…. attitude. It’s one thing to stick by his side when he is willingly putting forth an effort but it’s a different story to stick by someone who is putting forth “zero” effort towards working on what will help us. We have no kids. There shouldn’t be any excuses. Yet he makes all the time in the world to play “call of duty” and “madden 25”. I got my divorce papers ready.
I know this is several months old. I feel your pain. Long story, short…We met 20 years ago. He came with $400 to visit. Long story, He worked hard and turned $400 into a multi-million $ company, We started our own company…Then the Government jobs we were doing stopped paying us. So we lost our company. Had to go bankrupt personally and shut the business down. We lost 80 acres of property and our commercial building in foreclosures. We kept our home. So far. Since that day. My hubby has been pretty much glued to the couch watching tv. He did work another job after a year of that, but was laid off because the owner hired his son back. Another blow to hubby’s ego. So months went on. He didn’t want to take the unemployment, but I had to force him, as he was eligible. Then it ran out. He was suppose to go for his CDL. The coarse started three times since then, he is now again on the list. Paperwork mess up. Hopefully he gets into the May class. Meanwhile, no income. If I even dare to mention the fact he needs to do something, he says I need to find a job asap. Goes as far as threats to me if I don’t. He explains that he did it for all these years and it’s my turn. Funny and ironic, he made me quit my job before we had our boys. I left a great paying job to let him start his company. Men…..
UPDATE ON OUR STATUS: well so strange that I forgot I posted here over a year ago. I googled “husband won’t get a job” and re found my post here. Pretty sad…So do you all want an update? Guessing so. So it’s now over a year later. My 11 year old was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, a life threatening disease, insulin dependent, not because of eating too much sugar. He could die any day if his blood sugars drop too low or raise to high. Seizures, coma. It’s a daily battle with his blood sugars, trying to keep them under control. He has to count every carb he eats, then take a shot for what he had. Then another at night for long term. Back to Hubby, still no job. I am working for my dear friend in retail, I bring in about $200 to $270 a week. About 20-30 hours. So our DTV has been shut off, our electric is going to be if I don’t pay it by the 2nd, and our air conditioner is broken, (needs Freon) So our home is like 86 degrees. Fans blowing. Just wait, I have more to post next.. You will not believe..
My husband quit his job in January and hasn’t made an effort to find another one since.We have two small kids together.At first he promised he’d get a better job and help out then he started making all sorts of excuses like he’s on a break and stuff. He watches the kids but makes no effort to keep them or the house tidy.I’m a full time worker and part time student and I find it very overwhelming and stressful to bath the kids, clean the house and prepare dinner after work before sitting down to study.
Recently I realised that he quit his job soon after I got a pay raise to double his salary.I have more skills than him and before we got married that didn’t bother him at all.I only realised he felt a bit inferior when he said he would only work if he found a job that earned him a figure higher than my salary.
I’ve tried being supportive by giving out his resume and replying to job adverts but he won’t budge.I even tried talking to his uncle hoping he could knock some sense into him but he only pretended to look for a job for a little while.
I’m finding all this overwhelming and unreasonable and am beginning to lose my head.I can’t afford to buy myself stuff coz I have to worry about paying bills.
I just don’t know what to do
Tee, that is really, really tough. I think sitting down with a third party and saying, “this isn’t acceptable” and “we need to be a team” is really necessary. You need to have a frank conversation about this, and then you need some leverage. Talking to a counselor or pastor or mentor about what that might be would likely be a good idea. You could stop pooling money (I normally never suggest that because I totally believe in couples sharing money, but if one is not contributing at all, they should feel the consequences of their actions). You could cut off internet/video games at home, etc. etc and just stop paying for them. I’m not sure, but likely someone who knows you well could help you both talk through what is reasonable to expect, how you should act as a team, and what repercussions should be if you don’t act as a team.
Again, I’m really sorry. I’m sure you are overwhelmed.
I need an advice pertains to this concern. My husband and I got married for about 7 years now. And from the very beginning I used to work to earn money for the family and still working for the family and the one who used to stay at home is him. Is there’s something wrong with this picture? I mean if he lost a job that is acceptable but what if he does not work even from the beginning but contented to be at home where he got degrees and still there is an opportunity for him or what. I tried so much and I even the one who find him a job but then it seems that it is not an encouragement to him. I do not understand this situation. I do not want to be like this for the rest of our lives.
Thanks a lot and looking forward for your response as to this concern.
I have been married 11+ years and my husband has been unemployed…lazy…7 of them. The other years was not much but atleast he was working. When we met he had a family business and a nice car and the suit. He was living with his parents at 35 and his excuse was the family lost their homes from owning certain family business that someone came in and took them to the cleaners. After marrying him I find out he has always lived with his parents and never had a job outside of his family. I saw his non-existant work ethic after 1 month. I have always worked hard and had lived on my own for over 15 yrs before meeting him.I traveled the world. He had never been out of the state and is afraid to ever go anywhere. After1 yr his mother wanted all her money out of the business so he sold everything off. We got nothing Except holding the bag of IRS. New house..new baby and no money. I moved to a different city and knew no one. My job relocated out of state so i had no income but unemployment. He was offered a job from a friend making 6k take home a month and full medical benefits for him me and now our baby. After a month of that his mom told him to leave the job and we were now in a house that we hadnt started paying the mortgage on. He quit. Since then he has been off and on unemployed …not collecting unemployment..he refused…for up to 3 yr unemployed stretches and this time so far 14 months. He isnt looking for a job…he acts like he is rich…I paid off all his credit card debt years ago and now he has 4 cards maxed at about 30k. He doesnt help at home…he doesnt cook…clean…do yard work..and acts like he is important wearing new shoes he got off ebay and a new watch. He is always shopping on ebay. I am so sick of it. I commute 4 hrs a day to work and it only covers the basics. We have 2 mire months left of float money from the 250k i had saved from working in real estate which tanked. We lost our home and my cars are falling apart. I have done all I know to do. I had 250k in the bank and its all gone. I finally opened another bank account in my name to protect myself from his stuidity Of draining the checking account and bouncing check. He cant seem to do anything adult. At 47 I dont think he ever will. If I leave him he will just move in back with his mommy. God help me. Family gatherings are difficult. My family cant stand him not providing in any way. I havent left cause I no longer make very much To survive on my own with 2 kids. I use to make 6 figures now I make 40k and much of it goes to taxes and train pass to get to work. I am gwtting sick a lot and constantly breaking down. He snores so bad and has gsined 100 lbs since being married. We waited to have sex before marriage and I have never been pleased in that way ever. He cant last more than 90 seconds. Now i know why he never tried to do anything with me. Sorry. I just dont know why I stay. Because of him we are now being audited by the iRS and havent filed for 3 yrs. I am out of tears. I feel like a zombie.
I have no respect for him…i dont even like him. We havent slept in the same room for 11 yrs. We have nothing in common but our children.
I know how you feel! Married for 22 years. Husband has refused to work for the last 8 years! He gets little jobs here and there but nothing full time and long term. He got a dui and lost his license 3 years ago and has refused to get his license reinstated because that would require him to actually DO something besides slack. He told me he is waiting to inherit money from his family, only to realize that his wealthy relative will have nothing left to leave him! His parents also told him not to count on getting any money from their estate either.
He never went to college and cannot get along with people at work. Everyone, according to him, is dumb and knows nothing. He also wont take a job that requires him to work nights or weekends, or any other time that nascar or football are on tv. Also, without a drivers license, he has no way to get to work! He has to rely on ME or other people to drive him all over town.
He has been known to beg money from people or trying to sell them used items he finds in our house. He then uses this money for beer and cigarettes or he tries to turn that $20 into $100 in a gambling machine!
I consulted with an attorney who told me that since i allowed him to not work and that i supported him for this long, he can sue me for alimony and will win. Since i have been his sole support, he has more rights then me. He also does not have to move out of the house.
I run a dog rescue and have 6 dogs, it is impossible to find a rental to take me and my animals. He wont move out and says he does not care, that he will NEVER let me leave him. That it is my JOB to take care of him now. That he is retired. (he is 50).
He wont take care of himself and has lost 2 teeth. So he cannot go on any job interviews! No insurance and no money to get his teeth fixed. Just another excuse for him no to work! His parents offered to pay his dental bill but he refuses to make an appointment. He has lost 25 lbs and is a walking skeleton. Wont see a doctor. Maybe he will die! Horrible to say but that is how bad things are!
The laws are not for women and children, they are all for the man! I am stuck, I have 0 money, live paycheck to paycheck and cannot make ends meet. While mr wonderful sits around and tells me everything will be ok if would give him more sex. GROSS. I have NO desire to have sex with him EVER!
I am in the same boat. Your story actually sounds like mine. My oldest son,(whom is his biological son) reminds me constantly every time we talk. He states “mom why are you still letting him live there?”in the mean time, I have to ask him to “please get off his gambling website to speak to his 2yr. old grandght.
My life with him has not been pleasant, it’s not only the unemployment either. I asked for a divorce last month & he states ” I won’t sign for it.” WE have been married 22 yrs. but it has been over as far as I’m concerned for the last 7yrs. Of course he won’t sign divorce papers where would he find a place to live rent free? Not to mention all the other fringe benefits he gets from me. He hasn’t worked in @ 14 yrs. While I’ve worked since I was 15, now I am 46. He has diabetes with neuropathy, which causes numbness & tingling in his legs & feet. However he has no problem walking the dogs, running up the hill to entertain his neighbors or assist anyone else with any chores.
I am just like you, no way I could have sex with him. He tries, but when I think about everything he has put me through I just wan’t to puke thinking about it.
He also takes all his pity & shortcomings out on me, by being verbally abusive and putting me down the first chance he gets. Then the next day he tries to pretend everything is all good. But then again he don’t spend much time with me because I have to work 50+hrs./wk to pay bills. I filed bankruptcy for the both of us about 3 yrs ago with the hopes of getting a house. Since I would be the only one with income everything hinges on me to make sure everything is paid on time. I would give anything for a home. I am so tired of renting. I pray constantly for things to improve.
I dont know what to do. If I leave to go out of state with my kids his mom will do whatever it takes to get me. She already told my kids is your mommy trying to take you away from me? This isnt even the tip of the iceberg. She screams at me in front of my children and they cry. She says I justdont support him. What? I let the guy refinance the house to pay for his training for trading and he never would do it and I knew he wouldnt. We lost the house and he still wont work. Always has sn excuse for everything. He says god is taking care of us. Really?????? Help.
Hi there,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. It sounds so difficult.
I’d say you have two major issues: your husband has a very dysfunctional relationship with his mother (which is now affecting you and the kids), and your husband sees no importance to acting responsibly. The two are very likely linked.
Raising your children in a really financially unstable place like this where it’s also very emotionally dysfunctional is problematic.
Is there a third party that you can talk to who can help you figure out a plan? You likely need a lawyer to protect any assets you have left, and to keep you from being liable for his credit card bills, so that you can try to save something for the kids’ stability.
I don’t normally favour separation, but I do think at times separation is a tool to help a spouse see that he/she needs to step up to the plate and start acting responsibly. Sometimes the only way to do that is to have them realize the consequences of their actions. It sounds like your husband has never had to bear the consequences of not working.
You definitely can’t go through this alone, though. If you can find a network to help you, at a church, for instance, who can pray with you and encourage you and help you look after your kids that would be ideal. And then perhaps someone can come alongside your husband and show him what he needs to do to act like a man and a father. I pray that you will find people to support you right now and to find a way through, because it sounds like you really need it. Don’t be afraid to ask God to help–I do believe that God is there for those who call on Him, and that He does want to help the brokenhearted and desperate.
Sheila -To top it off my son attends SDC classes. My parents in another state said would help but I know the moment I leave the state his mom and sister will figure out a way to get me in trouble with the law for kidnapping or something. I have no suport here. I work so much and comute so much there is no more me left and just churches. I have been told by many people to leave him incl. I feel stuck. Its now effecting my health…emotional well being..financially and socially…everything. I dont want friends cause they cant handle what I am going through. Even at my job I am being harrassed and I stay cause I need the money. I want to run away. I want to pack up my kids and go to my parents.
I think you really need to talk to two people: a lawyer and a counselor or someone who can walk you through this. You’re in a difficult situation, and it’s going to be really difficult to start walking through it and make some positive change. I know you’re exhausted, but it won’t get better on its own. So even though it’s exhausting, you’re going to have to talk to someone who can help you through this and who can potentially walk beside your husband and help him make some better decisions, too. You can’t do it alone. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the right thing is the hard thing, and it does take a lot of energy. But if you can’t keep on going like this you are going to have to do something else.
I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and he’s seemed like a hard worker. Hes not a US citizen so work has always been hard for him to find. Hes jumped from construction to limo to houseman. Weve been married for almost 5 years now and have a 2 yr old with the 2nd baby on the way. For the last year hes been out of work and staying home with our 2 yr old. However, he hasnt really taken her anywhere or done anything around the house. I work fulltime in healthcare which sometimes requires me to stay late and saturdays. I come home and he complains I dont make dinner and I tell him Im at work all day and hes at home. He thinks that I should still be doing all the at home chores such as food, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. I am literally on my last string and considering Im pregnant doesnt make things easier. I try to look for jobs on craiglist or job hunting site for him and everything Ive told him about he says no he doesnt want to make $10/hr. I try to tell him something is better than nothing, especially with a new baby on the way. We have a mortgage to pay, car payments, food, handful of credit card bills that I definatly cannot pay by myself. We fight all the time and hes always so angry. Hed rather be out with his friends than going to work. I tell him we need to go talk to someone to help our marriage work and he doesnt want to because that means its “the end”. He expects my family to help us financially is what hes told me. This is HIS family not theirs. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to divorce for our childrens sake but I mentally and emotionally cannot do this anymore. I (or more like WE) need help and dont know what to do!
I found this because though he’s not my husband yet, I do fantasize about marrying him. My aunt has been super good to encourage me to ask lots of questions and ensure this will be a good fit.
I met him as my neighbor. The first thing I noticed about him was his true passion for the outdoors. He cares immensely about the forest and knows a lot about surviving there. Anyway I also admired his creative side. In getting to know him, we involved ourselves in a lot of creative projects: making music, cooking together, painting, writing stories, poems, singing. We also walked around a lot, went for bike rides and run together on the forest trails. We had a lot of the same ideas about food and health. I had so many fantasies of wow yes this is the kind of atmosphere I’d want to raise children in. Creativity, healthy food, physical activity, and parents who know a lot about the forest (me plants, him plants, animals, and birds). He’s also very neat and tidy. His house is always the most beautiful and clutter free of all my friends.
The kicker? He hates to work. He’ll do it, but he hates it. He hates our culture for the petty wages most places offer for the work he thinks has greater value than CEO’s and advertising. At first I admired his rebel attitude and commitment to a different world. I expected that his intense conviction would lead to some kind of awesome home business.
Now that he’s considering it, he has a million excuses about why it won’t work. He’s also a musician and would rather be doing that for money. I notice myself progressively getting distant from him because well he’s gotta make a living some how.
And I’m not exactly a model citizen either. I grew up in a home with lots of drugs and alcohol, but there was always plenty of money. I never really had to work much. I didn’t prioritize my college career to aim myself toward a high paying career. I took what sounded fun. I learned a lot about botany, sustainability, women’s health, and midwifery. Right now I’m kind of patching together my own career. I work as a caregiver part time, starting my own business teaching pregnancy classes, have 1001 ideas for craft projects that could make me some extra dough, i am going to professional coaching school, I do unpaid workshops, and am currently doing an unpaid writing gig. I’m new to all this and it’s all giving me face time to hopefully open opportunities for paid work.
My energy is always tied up in my own stuff that it’s hard to sit down with him with his stuff. At first I admired the possibility that we’d both be beginning to start our own businesses together. But I’ve seen very little effort on his end. Sigh.
I love him and want to believe in a beautiful future that there clearly is immense potential for, but at the same time I’m 28 not getting any younger and want to know that I am building a future with someone would is committed to creating a comfortable life for us and our future family. I don’t want to realize ten years down the road I’ve wasted my time and now I’m too old to have kids.
He has a few part time minimum wage seasonal jobs he’s doing starting in April, but then what? He does this every year. Works all spring and summer then rests in the fall and winter. He’s able to do it financially since he’s great at budgeting and saving. But what about the unexpected. He still rents which makes his living situation always unstable. He recently had to move and the money that he saved to get him through til April was very nearly running out because he had to deal with moving costs. Luckily his dad helped. But at 29? I don’t know. He’s always so sweet to me too and cooks wonderfully. But he doesn’t like it when I’m on the computer or drive too much. Sigh
How do I know that I’m making the best decision investing in this man in love and time when I know I want a partner to have babies with?
I married that man. He is my best friend. It was so much fun at first. Then we had children. He quit his part time job when our son was born and refused to work for the next year. Three children and fifteen years later he has only worked about 7 years total, never at one place for more than 2 years, averaging an income of 18K per year. His lack of success had resulted in depression, social withdrawal, and chronic anger issues. I work hard to make ends meet and provide a good atmosphere but the instability of our life, the lack of opportunity for our children, and the poor work example have been very detrimental to our children. My nerves are frazzled and the spark is gone. I still love the man, but I would not choose this life again.
sounds to me like i’m someone’s mom following this advise. i don’t have kids. kind of glad i don’t. what kind of man just sits on his duff all day? not only does he not have a job, but i then have to come home and complain about housework not being done? almost 9 years of the same BS, unable to hold down steady work for more than 6-9 months. i don’t know what im supposed to do with that, but a separation is looming just around the corner. too bad it’s going to cost me even more money. at least i didn’t let him bury me this year in debt. almost did….but i have good people looking out for me. i’m still paying for the problems he’s caused me, but my eyes are open now and it wont happen again.
I found this blog entry because I am so fed up with my husband not even attempting to apply for a job! He graduated 6 months ago with a PhD. It took him years to finish the PhD because he would get so distracted by other things and many days just wouldn’t go to the lab to do work. It finally took setting a date for his PhD defense for him to buckle down and actually work at writing the dissertation.
Since he graduated, we have been traveling in-between me working full time this whole time we’ve been married, supporting us. He hasn’t had an actual paycheck of his own in 10 months. At first, I was okay with giving him a little break; I told him that if he took care of the house, I wouldn’t mind working extra and I loved traveling with him. Well, traveling was great, but when we were home, the house wasn’t really being taken care of; laundry would sit there for 2 weeks and I’d have to beg him to put it away and the state of the house would stress me out even more.
He has gambled away (invested and lost) his student loan money ($50,000), but he just keeps investing more money in the stock market; in fact, this is how he spends his time all day every day. He has been to Gambler’s Anonymous (when I can get him to go, which is not often), but the investing and trading of money won’t stop.
I beg and plead with him to get a job because my job is very stressful and I often work overtime because he makes me feel very bad about spending my own money, telling me that he never spends money and I spend too much money, so I’ve rationalized that if I work overtime, that money is truly my spending money.
When I ask him to apply for a job, he says that I just want him to have a job that makes more money than my job and that he doesn’t care about money. He actually threatens that he will just get a job at McDonald’s. Just now, he was “analyzing our finances” and I said that can wait (he analyzes our finances every day), but that he should go to the library (because he’s always complaining about how he “hates our house” because he can’t get work done here) and apply for a job. He argued back that he needs the home computer to find a picture for his profile and that he can’t apply for a job without a picture. He’s upset that I won’t help him, but short of actually applying to the jobs for him, I don’t know how. He’s completely given up and gets angry whenever I bring up the subject. I am at my wit’s end, completely stressed out over my own job and working so much for two people.
Any prayers or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
PhD’s Wife
Hi there! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds immensely frustrating.
I have a few thoughts: first, it sounds like he got his PhD done when he had a deadline. Perhaps he needs something like that for finding a job, too?
Second, if he’s gambling (and losing) money in the stock market, perhaps it’s time to take away his access to money. He isn’t contributing; he’s only wasting. In this case, I think setting up separate bank accounts where you agree how much money it takes to run the house, and how much money you each get for spending money, and then that amount of money is put in an account he can access. The rest of the money stays in your account.
Here’s the main thing: marriage should not be a cover for people to get out of having to work on his issues. It sounds as if he has a lot of issues (passivity, gambling, etc.), and he doesn’t have to work on them right now because you’re footing the bill. A little dose of reality may help.
I have another post that addresses this more called Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? It may apply more to your situation. Hope this helps!
Im about to smack the dumb out of my husband. Leave him in his mothers house where she is just making it worse with letting him get away from looking for job, she just spoils him , but than she also complains, she just confuses the whole tell I him to get a job and than laughs about it like if its a joke. Idk what kind of crap this is , but ive read all of these comments and I can think or say to myself is , I love me and I should have some one who loves me just as much. This man thinks im going let it get any further than a year of this relationship. Im done. You ladies SHOULF just kick him out, break up, space from him and say ” I LOVE ME , IF YOU WON’T LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND ME, THAN BYE! YOU ARE JUST wasting precious time than can be built for beautiful time to be financially unstable and to free to be happy together ” idk where these men are getting the emotion or motion of discouragement but they cannot keep trying to disrespect a woman’s worth.
Have any of you ever heard the song from alicia keys – a woman’s worth
Their is such thing as Real Gentlemen out there. We just have be stronger for ourselves, we have to bring back that old fashion smack to the face when they think its ok sneak in a charm and that’ll just do to make us fall he’s over heals. These men are sickening I tell you. Whats happening to love !? Why is even my mother going through this… and she is 67 , my father is 55, in ashamed. She shouldn’t be working 3 jobs and he sitting at home doing NOTHING. Im so empowered to be a woman, to see how much we can put up with and we still are willing to help even when we are at our last straw , we suck it back it and just say kindly, calmly ” I am here . Here to help” than right back to our face we are being taken advantage of.
I am 23 years young , born in 91.
The man im currently with is 29 .
I am disappointed in myself to have let it get to this.
Lord help me, help this men , all I do is pray for love.
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone with all I’ve gone through. I like to think that I am a pretty smart, intelligent woman. But for some reason when it comes to men and relationships I stink at it & always find the wrong guy. I’ve already been divorced once & that was him wanting it after he found out he couldn’t have kids & lost his job & got so depressed he just wanted out & moved back in w/ his mom which is where he still is 13 yrs later. When I married my 2nd husband I knew he wasn’t in a good job but I finally found passion & just thought he just needs someone to help him push himself to do better. My mom told me not to marry him because she said he was lazy & would never be a good provider but I ignored her. We got pregnant right after we were married & I had a good job so I didn’t worry too much. But he is the kind who gets fired from every job. I think one year he got fired like 6 times. Then after having our 2nd son 7 yrs ago I was home on maternity leave & got served papers that our house was in foreclosure. I was making good money so there was no reason it wasnt getting paid. My husband acted shocked & made up all these excuses how it was a mix up & he would fix it. Then I got the mail one day & it showed that my husband was having to go to court for writing bad checks to Publix & his dad was helping him pay for everything. I then went thru his car & found 2 garbage bags full of our mail that he would get and hide so I wouldn’t see & sure enough there were papers about the house going into foreclosure & all the bills he wasn’t paying. He finally admitted recently he has always hated this house & stopped paying cuz he didn’t care. What was wrong is that I put 30k from my 401k down on this house & while I don’t love our house I worked hard for it & him jeopardizing us losing it showed he had no respect for me or my boys. We ended up saving the house but nothing else changed. He still gets crappy $10/hr jobs that he gets fired from & I begged him to leave me & he said no he doesn’t believe in divorce. So I did a horrible thing & found an ex bf on FB and had an affair. Although I told my husband about it & he knew from the beginning so then it got tricky cuz he is still married too so had to deal with the affair & my husband not leaving. I think I thought if I had an affair it would force him to leave me but it didn’t. He said it made him realize he wanted to change so I gave him time. It’s been a year & he is exactly the same. Lazy, making no or little money & just in general doesn’t care although he says he does. He finally said he thinks me & the boys should get an apartment & let the house go & I’m seriously thinking about it. I just started seeing a therapist & she’s making read this book about abusive men cuz she said even though I’ve not been abused physically that I let men use me & drain me & emotionally abuse me. I think I need to try to be on my own for the first time in life & stop thinking I need a man to be happy cuz I let them all make me unhappy really.
I feel comforted in knowing I’m not alone as my similar situation feels isolating at times. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, less than a year of actually being married. My husband has been out of work for four years. He had a number of jobs ready to be handed to him, through my network, but then never followed through and would lie about doing so. We went to therapy and he completely dubbed the therapist into believing that he was looking for a job, but couldn’t find one. So here’s my question to anyone reading because its the question I’m asking myself: how do you decide whether to accept this situation or to leave your husband?
I need help with advice… My doctor is talking about putting me on medication for stress due to husband losing job and I work over 12-16 hours or more a day. Get up at 7:30 am and doesn’t end till midnight usually. We both are over 55, but my husband lost his job in August 2013 and was steady looking for work, then he gave up. I found a contracting job that he could do, but I am the one doing all the work, because he has no computer or iphone experience. I try to show him how to operate the iphone or how to take the pictures, but he gets upset and mad. I have Lupus, arthritis and am on disability because of it. Sometimes my knees will go out from under me, but I go to work with him and help out. We are mortgage field inspectors and it started out real slow, but now that it has picked up, I have no time of my own. Just last week I got stung by a wasp, my eye hemorrhaged and he had to take me to the hospital. We have to safe money back for gas, because we drive a gas guzzler. It is his mom’s SUV, because we have no car of our own. My life has been hell these past few months. He does help with some clean up work, but he is very overweight and lazy… I have threaten to leave him, because I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I told him that and he started to look for other jobs again, then he stopped again.
I have always helped him in his job searches with phone calls, filling out applications online, fixing him a resume and references. I feel like he takes me for granted that I will always do these things for him. We had to take 4 days off, due to me and my eye and I was getting sick from flu… What do you do in a situation like this-he mother also lives with us and is a constant nag, wanting money… I am really at my breaking point… HELP!!
So you want ME to put him on schedule, etc.??? I AM NOT HIS MOTHER!!!
My husband and I separated after 14 years and 2 sons aged 11 & 13. I have always worked . On the beginning in bakeries and shops. I studied and got a degree and a careers when my youngest started school. But still it was tough stressful job and he surfs a lot. He did have a job but as it got less hours after we purchased a house he did notion for anything else . After a while I got him a job gardening where I worked . He had stuck at it for 5 years but it is only 3 days a for tonight. It was down to 2 for a long time before. I eventually got the courage to end it . I had to buy him out of our house and find a place for him live to make him go. 13 months after separating and doing share care and me paying him child support we got back together. I explained to him it was not really the money . I am not materialistic . What hurt was that he did not care about our family enough to want to financially contribute and support us. I stared selling home made rocky road when I knew I had to stop work while our second child was born. He kept surfing.
So back to now we got together again he moved back in and he told me he’d look for more work ( he still does 3 days fortnight ) . I let him know I wanted him to do this before coming back , but I let him convince me to trust him. He was going to start a mowing business. He moved back and bought some equipment but 25 months later had done nothing to make it happen. He also knows I got a pay rise and I think he thinks I earn enough to support us. Maybe I do but it’s not fair . He does a bit around the house but not everything and cooks the same 5 meals he has for the past 10 years. ( yes I cook to break it up) . But really the deal breaker is I td him I could not handle it if he did not keep his word. I trusted him and now I am faced with being the bad guy and breaking up the family again.
It’s not financial it us moral to me. I just want someone to work with me or even just put in the effort. And for me to have trusted him and gone back that is what hurts . The financial is only part of it . It goes deeper to his caring about my emotional needs .
Cathy, I understand how difficult this is. A man should be financially contributing to the family. To not do so is immoral. I think natural consequences is to tell him that you will no longer support him. Otherwise you really are enabling him to be lazy, which isn’t good either. I’m so sorry about all the trauma on your children and on you, and I do pray he makes the right choice. Does he have any men in his life who could read him the riot act?
I am in the same if not worse situation. My husband has been unemployed for more than a yr now. We have 3 children a 4 year old, 3 yr old and 6week old. I have been the only one working and did not stop working till a day before going into labor all because he refuses to get a job. We are seriously hurting, but he doesn’t seem to care. He plays video games all day stays up all night playing video games. He forgets to feed my kids during the day and has a very bad temper, he is constantly screaming at the kids for the littlest things. He screams at them if they cry or if they ask for food even for just being in his way when he’s playing. I am desperate and want to leave him, but he won’t leave and he has told me he is never leaving. I don’t wanna leave because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to leave when I’m the one who pays for everything. And I am currently renting an apt from my uncle so it wouldn’t be fair to leave my uncle with someone who is never going to pay him. He is such a rude person, never says hi or goodbye to anyone who visits because he is stuck to his computer playing. The kids are terrified of him and beg me to leave them with someone else. He ignores them all day, so basically my kids take care of their own. I have to work and am at work for 14hrs at times and still get home to do all chores dishes, clean up, laundry, take out trash and take care of my kids (feed them, bathed them and put them to sleep) because he doesn’t do any of that either. He literally sleeps, eats and plays all day, everyday. I want a divorce and want him out of the house, but lawyers have told me he doesn’t have to leave if he doesn’t want to because we are married so he is entitled to everything. And I can’t kick him out of his home if there isn’t domestic or some type of violence going on. I don’t know what to do. I am so stress with work, chores and taking care of 3 kids 🙁
Mayra, I’m so sorry. Can you ask your uncle or your family for help? Can you ask them to come and tell him it’s in his best interests to leave or else to get a job and shape up? You could also put all of his video game stuff in storage and tell him he can have it in his new apartment? I think continuing this way doesn’t sound healthy for anyone, and he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
Mayra, you don’t say where you are living, but that legal advice sounds suspect. Even if you are entitled to nothing (which I doubt) you can divorce him. He may be entitled to some alimony or community property, depending on where you are living, but not everything. I think you need better legal advice. I think you need to talk to your uncle. If you move out and your husband does not pay rent, your uncle should be able to evict him. If you time it right, you can move out when the rent is due, and that might make the whole issue move faster.
I am shocked by how many people are in this situation! All of you need to leave him now!!! Especially if you have no children and are financially able to leave! I have been married to a lazy unmotivated SOB for 22 years now and I have come to the conclusion that nothing is ever going to change! He has never kept a job for more than a few months, does odd and end jobs and some illegal activity to bring in some kind of money. He talks a good game and makes people think he’s trying and he will do something but reality is, he doesn’t want a job and refuses to do what it takes to get one! I have done so much through the years to help and support him, getting info on schools, looking for jobs, helping with resumes and everything else I could possibly think of! And as I write this, he’s asleep in the recliner! His “normal operating position!” Before we were married I had a really good job, making plenty of money. When we had the first of our three children, we made the decision that I would stay home and care for our children and he would take care of us financially! It was a constant struggle and we had to move several times, losing two homes, and going without things many times! I was home for 10 yrs., until finally I went back to work part time. We lost yet another home, and moved two more times before being forced to move in with my 86 yr old mother. Her home is 15 miles from my work and my children’s schools! This put more of a hardship on us in the way of gas, food, wear and tear on vehicles etc. We lived there for 5 1/2 years, during which time the relationship with my 5 siblings deteriorated to nothing, we no longer speak at all. The relationship with my mother was strained and will never be the same again. Our oldest daughter was 18 when we moved to my mothers, when she was 22 she got a job at the local grocery store, moved out and now does not speak to us! It’s been two years! Our son was 14, and it was a very bad turning point for him! He didn’t finish middle school, didn’t go to high school, and ended up taking his GED. He is now 20, has a bad attitude and lookout on life, says he’s never getting married or having kids. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, do drugs, or drink, he’s just down on life and is angry at the world! I blame his fathers behavior! Our youngest daughter was 11, and it was also hard on her. Our life was different at that time than when my oldest was young and I am just now realizing how badly I dropped the ball with her! She’s 17 and I have a lot of work to do in a little bit of time! I blame all of this on my husband and his lack of motivation! How can a man NOT take care of his kids and wife? And then claim to love them? True love would do anything to take care of the ones they love! Every day is a struggle, do we have money for food, gas, etc? Can we make rent this month? I work part time and have tried for the last several years to get full time work but have been unsuccessful! However, I keep trying, although discouraged, I will not give up!
So take it from me, do what I couldn’t bring myself to do and leave him! Do it for your kids, do it for yourself, but just do it! It’s not going to change for the better, it’s just not!!!
Hi all, my situation seems a bit different from some of yours. To make a long story short, we have been married over 7 yrs and have a daughter who is 6. When we were first married, he had a good job. He would come home at noon to play video games. About 4 months later, he got fired. My daughter was a baby at the time. I watched our daughter and 5 other kids to help with the mortgage. I was having to do the credit card shuffle. Then, he was diagnosed with chiari malformation…..fast fwd to now….7 years later….he hasn’t worked since. Never got unemployment. He had surgery April 2014 for his constant headaches and is better. The disability attorney told him he had to go to work 2 to 3 years and reapply b/c he didn’t apply sooner. I have worked and supported the family with the same employer for the past 7 yrs. we bought our 2 nd house May, 2014.
His dad got him a good interview but he failed the pee test ( he smokes weed). No, I don’t. I forgot to mention that we filed bankruptcy, lost our first house, and lived with his parents for almost 6 years. It was incredibly stressful.
I have tried filling out job applications for him in the past, etc. nothing works. He is only 34 yrs old but hasn’t worked in 7 yrs. he does help with laundry, cleans the floors, and cooks sometimes. I try to focus on the things he does do. However, I am extremely stressed at work and strapped financially. We live pay check to paycheck. No debt besides the house. Our 2 cars are old but paid for. Nothing in savings. I for sure have resentment for him not as least working part-time over the past 7 years. He is able to physically. If nothing changes soon, I will probably ask him to leave. Any words of advice is appreciated. I have known him since age 15 and do love him. Also, a week ago found I have a stomach ulcer. Dr. asked if I was stressed and to do something about it. My mom and step-dad have had the “you may have to leave him talk”. I feel lost…
Hi Heartbroken
You are right to ask him to leave and gooodness sake never have children with this man . Please take our advice on that , at least now you just need to look after you . I know it is hard to leave when your in love , but if heoves you I belive if he goes back to mom he will step up or not. I took my husband back and he lied to me about getting more work. Now I have told him to go again , because 18 months sfter giving it a second go we are back to square 1 . Follow your instincts and good luck .
To Fearfactor: Pray and fast, to God, you are not to be submitted to physical or verbal abuse by your husband
and know if you do go to church, have a meeting with your Pastor, and see if he can console you, Or speak to
someone, who the Pastor reconmeds who can really help you, and get with a prayer group in church who can
lift you up in prayer, and believe that The Lord Jesus Christ will make a way for you! God Bless You!
Have Faith In Christ, and Ask God to give a plan and a way, through all of this!
I really need help because I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married for 18 years to a man who worked on and off all that time. There is nothing physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him, he just has no ambition. I have had to threaten the marriage in order to get him to work, and that was the only thing that has worked. I’ve tried to be kind, patient and supportive, but he refuses to budge. I’ve worked and supported us for 18 years.
I used to warn him, what if I get sick, and guess what, I got sick. I was diagnosed with stage four cancer two years ago. So now I can’t work and my six figure salary is now down to less than half of that. And guess who still won’t get a job? You got it, my husband. I’m literally too sick to fight with him, but I’m fearful of how we are going to pay bills. Medicare went up and I have to spend hundreds on medical expenses. He takes care of the bills and is well aware of what goes in and what comes out.
I need a care taker, but he makes me even more sick. I’ll never heal this way. I don’t know what to do.
OMG Alexandra your story is similar to mine Except I am not sick (yet) . I have said exactly the same to my husband. And although the financial stuff is hard it is the fact that these men just don’t care about how we feel physically or emotionally . I bought him out of our house to make him leave , then after a year and a bit let him come back on the promise he would get more work. He currently and has for the past 7 years worked 2 or 3 days a fortnight in a low paying job. I work full time in a very stressful job. And I say what if one day I just can’t do this anymore . He doesn’t care , I am sure. I could see myself ending up the same as you. Cancer is resentment manifesting in our body . So you have supportive friends and family ? My advice to you get the hell away from him sell your house if you have to, downsize and look after yourself . You can’t take any of the material possessions with you , and you are right you will not heal in your current environment . But I believe you can heal if you love yourself . Read books by Louise Hay , she is a very motivating lady full of wisdom. I am looking inside myself now and realising I need to love me and move on without guilt this time. ( we have teenage boys and I tried again for them cos I hated share care) I was also stuck emotionally when we were separated because I felt so guilty for splitting the family and resentful for paying child support and giving him so much money to buy him out . You need to heal and live yourself at this time no one else matters . As I said read louise hay heal your life books . You could also google her I am sure you will find some inspiration there . Best of luck you ❤️
Been with my husband four yrs married 1, like everyone else I got a lot of promises, my husband gets disability from a back injury enough to help out instead he gives me 200 a month come to find out he pays his son house note car payment and insurance and God only knows what else, I asked all the right questions before marrying and he lied, now I require him to pay bills or get out and go back to his mom, he had to move back there cause of his injury, btw he is 2% disabled I made him get his cdl back so he can find work, he sleeps all day up all night playing video games and eats all the food, as of recently I stop buying food he would go the the kitchen and go crazy if I look for an onion it would be gone I hate to be so mean but if he wouldn’t be supportive of a 26 yo who don’t work and gave all he had to where he lives then I would be more sympathetic but I’m tired of doing it by myself….. Got to let him go back home to his mom and he and mom on same cell phone plan….dysfunctional..
And this is something I cannot stand! My lights have been turned off because my “husband” felt the need to pay his daughter’s light bill. What yhe heck? You’d rather sit in the dark where you live than to make your grown daughter grow the heck up? What happened to the real men? I’m not trying to get anyone to take care of me, but for goodness sakes, I definitely do not want to take care of a grown man!
The man I’m engaged to is my best friend in the world. I love him to death. I just don’t know how to handle this work ethic / lazyness (?) thing…. When I met him he had moved to my city to be a manny for his sister, so she could go back to work.(she insisted on paying him a little) I loved it that he was willing to move sevral states up to help his family. After she got settled in a new (very well paying) job, she decided to put her boys in a fancy school / daycare for oober learning durring her work hours. At this point he had been living with my son and I for a few months and everything was going really well. We both worked, and we both cleaned and did home repairs. It was fun. 🙂 But when he stopped working it was like he regressed into a 16yo. At first he looked for jobs, cleaned, and made an effort to make me dinner when I worked. Still great… Then the cleaning stopped. (The only chore he does now is the dishes) Then he told me that he doesn’t want to get stuck in a job he doesn’t like, so he isn’t going to try for jobs that don’t sound fun. (Sorry, tiny rant: does he think that I think it’s fun to scrub people’s toilets? I dont. But I do it because the money feeds us.) Then he started coming up with health reasons why he shouldn’t work. “My alergies wont let me do outside jobs.” Or “I think i have arthritis so i cant do a desk job” or “I have a cronic sinus infection so i cant work until i go to 6 specialists” (he’s slready had the sergery to fix that years ago) its been over a year since he stopped being a manny. He still gets $200 a month from his sister to clean her house 2 times a month (she hired me and I trained him to do it so he’d have a little money) that pays for his cell and gas to get to her house (in my car) I’ve tried fowarding him CL job adds, gathering applications for him to fill out. Working with him on his resume. He just complains that he needs alone time or he gets stressed out. Then he plays computer games with his friends on the headset for 10hrs a day. If it weren’t for my son loving him like the dad his real father could never hope to be, and our meshing so well in other ways, I would have broken off the engagement already. I’ve walked this path before, where a guy starts off all helpful and ends up taking more and more from me financially and mentaly (like a mom) until I end up hating him…. I don’t want this to happen to this one. 🙁 (Ps this is the only “dad” my 7yo son has known. I don’t want it to sound like I have revolving door boyfriends)
thanks for letting me vent somewhere, it helped unpinch my face a bit
Hi there! It does sound like you’re in a bit of a mess. I’m afraid what I’m going to say may sound harsh, but honestly: do you really want to marry a boy? He’s a boy who won’t take responsibility, and he has the best of both worlds. You’re living with him, sleeping with him, giving him love, supporting him, and what is he doing in return? Your son has a man he loves, true, but ultimately the longer this relationship goes on, the more devastating it will be for your son when it falls apart. And how can you keep a relationship where you’re the mother, not the wife, go on forever? And is he a good role model for your son if he acts like a little boy?
I think a healthier thing is to move out and then see if the relationship can sustain itself. Tell him, “you need to get a job and be responsible before we can get married, and I want to see some proof that you can do that.” And if he can’t give it to you, I think that’s your answer.
Again, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But sometimes when we live with someone our lives become so enmeshed that it’s hard to break up, even when the relationship isn’t good. That’s why it’s better not to live together until you’re married. You can look at my post today for more advice on this!
I am in a similar situation. I am a high earning breadwinner and my husband is a stay at home dad. It does save us money but he doesn’t do much with the kids (I know from the Netflix viewing history that they watch cartoons all day while I’m at work). He does read books and go running (yay, selfish!) But he doesn’t contribute to our shared life together. If only childcare were not so expensive….
An Anonymous Reader sent in this comment:
I’m scared.
I got married a year and a half ago to an intelligent hard working man who genuinely cares about making a difference in the world. I admire him so much, and part of the reason I married him when I did was because he ran out of money and wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent. Since we got married, his nonprofit ambitions have continued to evolve and change. Whenever I talk to him he’s ‘making connections,’ ‘building a new website’ and starting a new fund-raising campaign. Meanwhile, we aren’t paying off any of his student loans, he’s being sued for a credit card debt, we’ve used up all 3,500.00 of my savings and our honey moon money too. I’m working two jobs, but my passion is as an artist, so while my income has always been enough to support me, pay rent, bills, debts and still put money into savings, it hasn’t been support the both of us. And, while we got married at the church, he doesn’t want to get married in a legally binding manner, because he says he doesn’t want me tied to his finances.
I’ve told him I believe there must be a balance between philanthropy and our responsibilities and obligations. That you can’t pull someone out of the water if your boat sinks. That he can’t keep relying on me to be the responsible one.
Any time we discuss it, he feels like I have betrayed him and don’t believe in him. Then he says he will work harder and nothing changes.
We have set goals for when he would look for a paying job, they pass, and he still doesn’t apply for work.
I have tried to help him apply for work, and he gets upset at the idea of doing something he doesn’t feel called to do.
If I try to talk about what we’ll do if we can’t pay rent, maybe we should make a budget, he can’t even discuss it.
I feel so desperate. I believe in his heart so much. I keep breaking down and crying. I don’t talk to him about it hardly at all, even though it weighs constantly on my mind, because I know I have said everything clearly more than once, and it doesn’t seem to do any good. I don’t think he actually hears me, or maybe he just can’t hear me. He has never forgiven his mother for asking him to get a job, any job, and my parents judge him for not earning money and placing this responsibility on me, even though I haven’t told them any of this. So I’ve pretty much had to stop talking to my folks, because I’m hiding the strain I feel.
I have come to the conclusion that this just won’t end until we actually end up homeless, which could be any month now. I wonder if the best thing is for me to just stop caring, because my pain only hurts him when I express it, and never seems to result in anything productive. I consider talking to our pastor, but our pastor mentors and absolutely adores my husband, and I don’t think my husband could forgive me for bringing conflict into that relationship. I wonder if this will be my life 20 years from now…
I feel so helpless.
Anonymous, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but honestly, you are absolutely right to be upset at him. What he is doing is NOT Christian, even if he thinks it is. I believe that going to your pastor or an elder is likely the best course of action, and asking them to mentor you together (maybe your pastor and his wife?) Your husband likely needs a mature adult to tell him to start growing up. He doesn’t have to put his dreams on hold altogether; he just has to find a way to make a living while pursuing those dreams.
I know it’s hard to feel like you’re starting conflict, but living like this is worse, and if you do nothing it WILL get worse. So set the tone for your marriage now, not years down the road. After all, what would happen if you get pregnant? He needs to start acting responsibly now.
I’m lost and I don’t know what to say to my husband…
Back I Nov. 2014 my husband’s dad passed away and they were really close…. Well he had a hard time dealing and didn’t go back to work( maintenance guy..making 15.00 super benefits 401k the whole 9 yards) he even did grief counciling.. to get extended time and when he was going to go back that night he decided he did like working nights anymore. Now anytime he gets a job or someone wants him to do some side work he says he will be there and decides he doesn’t want to.
I don’t work I have disabilities which I’m not receiving payments yet..
we have no kids together…but my 18yr old still in high school..
we are living on 149.00 a week which is child support we haven’t paid any bills since November…nothing
Hi Michelle,
Sorry you’re going through this! That sounds so difficult.
Quick thoughts: why aren’t you receiving disability payments? Can you speed that up or look into it?
And do you have a support system that you can call in to sit down and talk to him and say, “you really need to work”? It sounds like you may need some outside help.
I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances. One thing I can recommend: Has your husband tried GriefShare? GriefShare is an awesome grief counseling program, second to none. (You can find a group close to where you live by going to http://www.griefshare.com and entering your zip code). I lost my first husband and went through the program twice. The second time, the Lord set me free from the grief, one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had! The grieving was a period of five years to where I couldn’t work for that entire time.
My husband lost his job almost 2 years ago. He went to a recruiter. The recruiter was impressed with my husband’s resume and said “you are SO qualified it will be hard to get you a job…”!!! So how does my guy interpret this? He’s too FABULOUS to look for a job!!! So now he just stays home basking in his fabulousness.
When I remind him we are fast running out of money he says he’s going to start his own company. When I ask him about when this fictitious company will be realized he gets mad and says he is waiting “for the right time”. He can’t tell me details of this “time”. Maybe its when we are homeless.
So lazy and arrogant.
My husband will not do work that he thinks is beneath him. The only thing worse than being this unhappily married would be to be unhappily divorced. I have the pension and it is a fixed frozen income that will never increase. I feel very used that he lives off of me and does not diligently try to get jobs which are less than he had before. He has excuse after excuse. I guess I will just be used but I don’t need to let him know I am happy about this. Now I have to work a very hard part time teaching job (believe me it is not easy and it is full time work with part time pay) and all of this money will be gone.
Thanks.
My husband has been out of a second job for 9 months now. His “main” job is working for my sisters husband which requires him for 1 week each month and pays great! His check from that covers all of our bills apart from housing. We live in an apartment above a small storage business which I manage and that is what pays for rent and provides some extra money. However, with my husband being out a second job, our ends barely meet & we are not saving any money, which means we are not getting any closer to moving on with our lives. He too, like so many other men plays video games, watches show after show on Netflix and Hulu. Although I love him and in many ways it has been nice having him home so much, staying in one place for so long without moving forward is a huge dissapointment to me. Also, we have family reunion plans out of stat later this year and when I first told him that we could stay a second week with my family he was supportive of that. When I recently mentioned it again he said it was unnessary due to our financial situation. This makes me mad because technically it’s his fault if we can’t stay a second week. He would rather sit around than earn the money needed to have a longer family vacation.I love him with all my heart, honestly, it’s all just dissapointing and frusterating.
I also have a lazy husband and even what I do he won’t do anything to find a job even there are recommendations from his friends. When we are still newlyweds he is very determined to look for a job but after many years he hot fired. I feel that he was discouraged on what happened. It’s very hard for me to supply my family needs. We have 3 children and I am the only working as a receptionist on a hotel. I really hope that my husband will find his job as soon as possible because I won’t hesitate to leave him.
What do you do when you know your husband who chooses to be stuck doing minimum wage jobs that barely provides for the family can do more than they are doing with their professional qualification and all. I have tried being his team mate,encouraging and submitting his resumé when I can.He spends time he should be using on finding the best way to get a proper job on his phone or cable TV. I am so frustrated and have lost all the respect i have for him because i feel as though he is waiting for me to land a job as I am also a professional so he can live off me.We live with 3 kids in a one-bedroom apartment and the intimacy as couples is amost non-existent.We live from hand to mouth and can’t even afford toys for the kids yet he is so smug with his excuse of a job.Reading all these comments before mone made me cry because i could relate to them.
I am fed up! In 2011 my husband and I both had good jobs but we were working long hours, never seeing each other or the kids. Some things were going down at my job and I was worried that the company was going to go under and summer was approaching and my husband worked construction. He didn’t know if he was going to make it another summer in the extreme heat. We decided that it was time to make a big change. I found a job on the other side of the country doing what I love! We decided, let’s make an adventure. The job paid just under what we were both making combined.
Off we went. At first we were getting settled in a new state and city and we decided that since my new job had a lot of travel tied to it that he would stay home with the kids (both were going to be in school that fall). After about a month we decided things were going good and that he could find a job because he was getting board. He found a job that worked perfect with the kids’ schedules but it only paid minimum wage. After about a month, we discovered that it was actually costing us more for him to work than if he just stayed home. We then bought a house in the north part of the state with a little acreage. I thought this was going to be great. We had a few animals for him to care for, work that needed to be done, mowing and all the stuff that a small farm needed. Things seemed to be going ok, but we were living pay check to pay check. My salary was good and with my yearly bonus I was bringing home just Over 6 figures. He started taking the kids back across the country during the summer to visit family and I was left yo care for a small farm and work. My summers are a busy time of year. We discussed him getting a job but he just keep telling me that he can’t work and care for the kids. Money was tight as we were feeding animals, remodeling a building so I could have an office and stay home a little more and he just spent like we had plenty. I received an opportunity to get us closer to home with my company and took it. We bought an old house with plans of restoring it. Since we moved in, he put up a fence for the dogs and privacy and tore out one room. That is where it ends. He now sits on the couch doing nothing all day. I come home to a mess kitchen and house. Laundry is never done. I try to give kids chores and not let them do fun things until the chores are done and he comes right behind me and undoes everything I have worked on. I have asked him to get a job as the kids are old enough to stay home for a couple hours alone now. I even said we can get after school care. For some reason daycare was fine when the kids were little and now he has some issue with someone else watching the kids. He does nothing, I continue to pay all the bills and when I decide to treat myself to a little something he makes it out yo be the end of the world. That I am waiting his hard earned money. He hasn’t earned any of it. I am ok with home not having a job as I can support us on my 6 figure salary, but he won’t lift a finger around the house. I told him that he either needs to start working on the house or get a job. I am not going to live with a lazy person anymore when I work so hard and have a good work ethic. He tells me he doesn’t feel like a man because he doesn’t have a job or supports his family. I tell him that is that is how he feels he should do something about it. He never talks to me anymore and the other day had the nerve to call me fat to my face. I am just holding on long enough to get the house back in sellable condition and then I feel I am going to have to leave. I can’t continue to live with someone so lazy and mopes around the house all the time like he has it so bad.
This is a mighty big boat for all of us to be in! I’m reading post after post that sounds so familiar, I want to cry. I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that I’m much stronger and more motivated than my husband will EVER be. I don’t know how I let that happen, except the fact that I fell in love. And I do love him. I’m struggling to respect him, though. We’ve been married a little over 3 years and he’s been unemployed for a total of 13 months of our marriage. If it weren’t for me spending many of my waking moments searching for postings, writing his cover letters, updating his resume, then he wouldn’t have any applications out there.
It doesn’t help that 90% of the hiring managers won’t give ANY update at all – NOTHING. Which sinks him further each day.
I don’t know about you, but I was raised that you get exactly five minutes to feel sorry for yourself, then you have to move on. He’s stuck in “whoa is me” land and doesn’t realize how hard it is to live with someone who’s consistently in the dumps. Yes, he’s depressed. Yes, he needs medication. But his excuse is that we don’t have the money. See the cycle?
I was told by a co-worker that men and women approach the job hunt differently. We women had to fight like heck to get into the workplace, so we know the very definition of persistence. Men haven’t had to fight like we have, so it’s not in their nature. My husband says his pride is what’s keeping him from working at McDonald’s, but what about pride in bringing home SOME money? ANY money?!
As the adult (male) child of a marriage in which the woman (my mother) worked two jobs to support the man (my father) who wouldn’t work, while doing most of the housework and childcare, and who refused to divorce him until long after I’d moved out on my own and gotten established, I just wanted to say to all the women here who are struggling with lazy husbands who won’t work: get out now! Stop digging yourself in deeper. A “man” who won’t even be bothered to pretend to search for work to support himself, let alone you and any children you might have, is not worthy of the title, and is simply taking you for a ride.
I watched my dad do it to my mom for years, while she waffled back and forth not knowing what to do because she loved him, truly loved him, and didn’t believe in divorce. And he took her for a ride. A 30 year ride. And he got free room and board, free emotional and financial support, and even a free Ivy League education out of her, that he barely cared to use after the first 3 years. It finally took the intervention of family to separate the two of them and to pledge to my mother that they’d have her back if he raised hell in the divorce. And by then, I’d matured to similar thoughts, and I promised to testify against him if he so much as asked for a penny from her. My own father. But, he used her for years. He filled her head with empty promises and vague threats to her financial well-being if she ever left, and they were ALL empty.
A man, it turns out, is not likely to find sympathy in court after it becomes apparent that he let his wife work to support him for years against her wishes. Even though the laws appear to enforce alimony in situations where one spouse has not worked in years, if that not working is itself part of the divorce complaint then no judge is going to order you to keep paying him for nothing, and no judge will blame you for walking away. Don’t let these lazy men turn you all around and mix you all up. That is not the way that these laws work.
Please, women, do yourselves and your children a favor and LEAVE these men as soon as possible. No matter what you think about your situation and its complexities, it’s never as bad as you think. All you have to do is stop paying his half and walk away. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that, in order to get him out of it, you may have to let your home go into temporary foreclosure. You may have to sacrifice your good credit for a few years. But, having lived this myself, I say so be it. Walk away. Cut up all your credit cards and leave. Get your own apartment down the street, take your children with you, and let him find his own way. Do it for yourself. Do it for your children. Do it for other women. Make a clear statement with your actions that men cannot get away with using you as a parent and a slave. Equal rights doesn’t mean you having to be the breadwinner and be happy with it when you didn’t agree to it in advance. And any man who tries to put you in such a situation against your wishes is just using you and your love and deep down knows exactly what he’s doing.
It pains me to no end to see how confabulated modern culture and modern “men” have made women. They’ve got you not even knowing what’s up and what’s down anymore. But it’s simple. Marriage is a contract and these men have broken their end. So break your end and move forward without regret. You didn’t do this to yourself. But by staying, you’re allowing these men to keep doing it to you. You’re not helping them, or yourselves, or your children long term. If nothing else, stop paying for him. Stop supporting him. And move forward. No matter what you think may come, I promise you that there is no court in this world that will hold you to task for failing to support a husband who will not lift a finger to support you in turn, and your children will thank you in the long run and you will gain their respect. Especially if your “husband” wasn’t really taking care of them during his long hours spent at home anyway. Children know when something is wrong in a home. Children want their mothers with them in the daytime, not their fathers. If your husband can’t respect that your children need you, their mother, to mother them, and their fathers to provide for you and them both, then why do you feel compelled to respect him and tiptoe around him about the issue? And why do you feel guilty for not respecting him? What has he done to earn your respect? What have you done to earn his poor treatment of you? My guess is nothing, nothing, and nothing.
Again, to all women in this situation, my advice as the product of one of these modern marriages in which the man got a gullible woman into a situation in which she ended up pulling both her own weight and his, is to get out now. Because these men know what they’re doing, and they’re just using you. If you have children together, they may be using the fact that you have children, to keep you stuck in your situation, and to keep getting their free ride. They don’t care about you. And they’ve broken their end of the contract. So have no guilt breaking yours. Do it for you, and for the kids, and for other women everywhere, to send the message that a man is only a man who behaves like one. Don’t let your children grow up in the shadow of a deeply exploitative relationship. It’s hard, so hard to leave when they’ve got your head all mixed around like they do, but in the end, you’re not doing anyone any favors by staying. You’ll never convince them to change, because they don’t respect you. And every year you stay you only dig yourself in deeper, financially and emotionally, and you run the very real risk that your children will learn from your example at home and recreate that same dynamic in their adult lives. I think you need to ask yourself this, as it is a real, very real risk: what would think if your grown daughter got herself a husband like yours? What would you want her to do? What would you want her to say to that husband? Please, ask yourself these questions, and then follow the answers yourself. It’s the only way. I lived this as a child and only recently left it all behind, and I know what I’m talking about. God bless all of you in this boat. I promise you it gets better. Once you make that first step towards getting out, it gets better. And don’t forget that God exists and sees your struggle.
KEK you are so right in your advice, except to say there is no court who would expect a woman to pay when the husband hasn’t worked . My husband got almost half the house , then he inherited money and bought his own . On top of that my 13 year old son chose to live with him full time a month after we separated. After all Dad is the one who had been home after school all these years . However my 16 year old shares his time between the 2 homes and seems to have a better understanding of what I have been through. My 13 year old though sees the anger I am responsible for displaying over all the years I stayed studied and worked ( while my husband spent his days surfing) . But you are right we do have to stand up for ourselves . But there is a price to pay whichever way you go. In my case it is one son who I have a difficult relationship with and barely see. I do hope in time he comes around for now I just let him know I love him and this alwsys home if he ever wants to come back . The other price is paying child support , and a caveat on my house which ofcourse is paying for his home. Never the less I am better off even without one son in my life much right now because my mental state was not good and the tension was way too bad for its all to bear. You see I made him leave about 3 years ago and after over a year he talked me into giving him another chance promising to get more work ( he has worked 2 to 4 days per fortnight in a low paying gardening job for the past 8 years). Well he didn’t enven try to get more work so the second time round I could not believe he would lie but as you say he knew exactly what he was doing. So girls my advice stand up for yourselves but there may be a price to pay so be ready .
The one thing that makes me hesitate getting divorced is the fear of paying alimony. My finances are tight as it is. Sure I’d pay less food, utilities, etc., but there’s no way I could support myself and him if we lived separately. I’m afraid a judge would see that I’ve been supporting him (he briefly had a part time job but that’s it) for 10 years and conclude that I should continue to support him.
I’m in tears as I type this. My husband who I’ve been with for 26 years has decided that I make enough money in Southern California to support our family of 5 and any contribution from him is optional. I barely make 60K. I’ve been patient for the past several years as he lost his job during the downturn and had a hard time maintaing full employement in the midwest. I was transferred to Socal a couple of years ago and explained that the cost of living is much higher and that there was no margin with one income. I’ve been the breadwinner and workhorse (he does no chores) without complaint for several years. I’ve been begging him for help for the past couple of months as my mental health just can’t bear this weight any more. I was told that he’s doing all that he can (he is not) and that I just need to let him manage the finances (huge mistake – we’ve been to the verge of homelessness with him at the helm). It’s finally starting to feel like a slap in the face although friends and family have pointed that out all along.
I’m so sorry, Lisa. So, so sorry. Do you have family that can sit him down and put some major pressure on him? Or are there things that you can stop doing for your own mental health, and just leave them undone unless he picks up the slack? I am sorry. That must be so tough.
I read thru some of the replies but didn’t see this one. My wife would not work until I left her. I believe some people have personality disorders and believe they should not have to work. This is particularly true of antisocial personality and narcissistic personality disorder. They both feel entitled not to have to work and think you should care for them. Don’t think you are going to change them as they are steadfast with their sense of entitlement. I live in Baltimore where there is a very high number of people who don’t work, especially the men. There is a big difference between being unemployed and not willing to work. Unemployment statistics refer to those individuals who are unemployed but looking for work and does not include those who are not willing to work. If one is not willing to work even when they do not have a REASONABLE excuse for not working this should be a red flag. It is likely they are doing other things you wouldn’t like.
I do believe my husband is a narcissist. He feels like he shouldn’t have to look for work–that someone somewhere will recognize his genius and just offer him money to do what he wants. I want out, but I don’t want to get screwed legally.
I’m sorry but this blog post is some of the worst advice I have ever read. Sheila, you just don’t get what it is like being married to a man like this! Make him a study schedule and promise him rewards like a trip to the park or home bakes cookies when he’s done?! Are you serious? He is a Husband, a grown man, not the womans child!!! This is probably the exact same kind of sissy, excusative treatment that made him into the man child he is. His mother’s and sister probably have spent a lifetime namby pambying him and some poor woman ended up with him as husband.
Women are meant to be keepers at home. GODS WORD SAYS SO! To tell the woman to go to work so he can sit on his behind at work is horrible and unbiblical.
These men need to provide and work so they can there families can eat and if they refuse or go from job to job with no stability then the wife may need to at least seperate. These men are a joke and people need to stop making excuses for them!
Hi
I have a lazy partner we are both doctors graduated around the same time except he has an extra degree. We initially worked full time and things were great but then it came to my specialising years and I obtained a post in Ophthalmology which is fiercely competitive but several miles away from where we were living then.
The plan was to transfer back to where my partner lives with his parents if a better job came up but this was not straightforward. My partner also tried to obtain a speciality posting but he wanted neurosurgery which is even worse in terms of jobs and was unable to get a position. He left his last full time job over 2 years ago but he struggled with that and I believe was asked to leave though he was not honest about it. I know because he would often not go in for work and go AWOL or turn up very late to work. This was all complicated by the fact that we had a long distance relationship too. He then decided to locus but does not get steady work as he only works nights and refuses to work during the day as he hates to interact with other people in the hospital. He also has a poor sleep patter due to his night working and even when he is not working prefers to eb awake at night watching family guy then spend time with me during the day.
Fast forward to now we are still long distance but he often locums here now. He refuses to get himself back into trying and full time work. He still wishes to live at home with his parents but refuses to support them as he has little income. He is also in a lot of debt. He also recently started this phd part time but is not attending that and wants to give it up though it has helped him acquire a load of debt too. He now resigns himself to writing a book which he is banking on being successful.
All I want from him to is to secure his future by finishing a train programme i have suggested to him GP or psychiatry which is very flexible if he wanted to do research or pursue other interests but he refuses. If he moves up here an does this for now then I could also continue to finish my programme until the first person gets a secure job after training then perhaps that can govern where we will be in the UK.
Hi Linda, I’m sorry you’re so frustrated right now, but I’m going to be really blunt. I hope that’s okay. But you’ve come here asking for advice.
You sound like a really good catch. You’re hard working. You made it through medical school and you’ve landed a good residency program. You’re dedicated to working hard and making something of yourself.
This guy lives with his parents. He has more education than he knows what to do with but he won’t use it. He doesn’t like being with people. He doesn’t take jobs that are offered to him. He doesn’t make an effort with you.
Quite frankly, he isn’t worth it. If you stay with him, you’re going to be frustrated your whole life. This isn’t a character trait that you can change in him; he has to change it in himself.
Read the comments of women who married men like this and ended up so frustrated. You’re not married yet (at least it doesn’t sound like you are). The more time you spend with him, the more time you lose when you could be meeting someone who is worth you.
This rings in my heart. My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, with no savings, two little ones at home that I care for. Every week we struggle to just buy food, and now we are getting kicked out of our apartment, and he has been just searching for jobs. He refused to get help from government, hopes Christian fellowship will help us which in his eyes haven’t but we had several
People give us food and doesn’t want to except it. I told him after I was feed up with this constant in need of food, I told him if something does t change I will do something. I have a plan to live with my
Parents with my sons if he cant provide for us. I am so done with not being able to give my sons 3 healthy meals and clothes that fit them. He has to do something.
I recently got married when I met my husband he wasn’t in the best living situation he stayed in a camper down from his mother’s trailer. We stayed there together for about 5 months with no running water having to depend on his mother for food and running water it was miserable and he always told me things are going to get better I took the iniative to go out and try to find us somewhere to go I became pregnant shortly after marriage and to put it plain I need more space. So we moved I’m getting bigger and he ha a problem with my work schedule because in my line of work I have to stay overnight for about two or three nights of the week so I go on maternity leave, basically quit my job because he is unhappy with my work schedule and he convinces me that he will take care of everything everything will be ok, he will work hard and take care of his family but I have yet to see him really trying or looking for a job my due date is drawing near and we have bought absolutely nothing for the baby because he doesn’t work he gets maybe a few hundred dollars here and there but he pays child support to his baby mamma which takes over half of what ever he brings in I have been doing my best to keep us a float until he finally feels the sense of urgency to find employment groceries are getting light and I really am at the end of my rope I’m afraid and angry because I put my trust in him and the way things look I maybe let down I have been applying for small jobs to help prepare for the new arrival. I just feel as if he lied about being the man he said he was he told me stories of how he took so good care of his baby mother and she cheated on him and how he kept the bills paid and her hair done and I become bitter because I feel as if he doesn’t think enough of me to work hard to support me just with the necessities I’m not asking for him to pamper me just pay the bills and make sure we are prepared for the baby.
I feel like so many of you on here!
I have been married to my husband for just over 10 years, and he has been steadily employed for maybe 3 of those years.
The last “steady” job he had lasted about a year. He was fortunate to get the job – he didn’t meet all the qualifications of it, but they were really impressed with him during the interview and decided to take a chance. Well – he has never been a ‘morning person’ (his words) and was developing a habit of being late to work. He became angry with his supervisor when this was met with a disciplinary letter put in his HR file. The kicker came actually on my birthday. He wanted to take a 1/2 day off and spend the afternoon with me, followed by a nice dinner. I didn’t know about this at the time, it is what he told me later. I had already told him ahead of time that taking the day off wasn’t necessary – my birthday was on a Friday and we could just celebrate over the whole weekend if we wanted, and besides, I was at work until 3 pm. When his supervisor told him that he had missed too many hours of work (from being late) for her to approve the half day, he went ballistic and quit on the spot. Yeah, happy birthday to me.
After that he sat on the couch. I couldn’t tell you what he did all day, because I was at work. I am also pursuing my Bachelor’s degree. One thing I can tell you he didn’t do was anything around the house. I have always felt I wouldn’t be quite so angry if he would at least help so I wouldn’t have to spend my weekends vacuuming, doing laundry, etc.
Fast-forward to now (the situation above was about 2 years ago).
My job relocated to another state a little over a year after the above incident. I was fortunate that they kept me on and paid to move me, or we both would have been out of a job, since he had not found another job. Since we moved, he has attempted to work in sales…..but has made nothing. I tell him that he could potentially make more if he would put in more effort. He says all he will do is spend more gas money, and it’s not worth it.
He also has very uncontrolled type-2 diabetes. Seriously will not control what he eats, and has probably gained 100 lbs since we have been married. He refuses to follow a diabetic diet, and while I can control (to some degree) what he eats at home, I can’t stop him from eating donuts or two burgers & fries while he is out and about. He also suffers from ED, and we haven’t been intimate in years.
He is retired military, so I know he has (or had) the ability to work. I don’t know what is going on now. He likes to spend money, likes to have nice things, wants us to own a nice house, etc., etc. I just don’t get it. I feel like it’s too much of a burden on me to be the sole supporter for us. Fortunately we don’t have kids together – he has 3 adult children from a previous marriage.
I have thought about whether or not it is time to think about divorce. Honestly, one of my biggest concerns is how to split up our 4 cats, and yes I’m serious about that. But also, I do still care about him and worry how/where he would live.
I feel like I can’t deal with the laziness anymore, nor can I watch him eat himself to death either. I have told him he’s just ensuring that he dies first and leaves me a widow by not trying to follow a diabetic diet. If he doesn’t want to help himself, how can I help him?
Sorry this is so long…..thanks for letting me vent….
It’s hard to just leave, even when you don’t have kids. I do love my husband, but more and more I just got tired of making excuses for him. I wince whenever someone asks: “So what does your husband do?” Now I just say “starving artist” and leave it at that. I try not to think about it too much.
My husband wont get a job. I work 26 hours and pay all the bills mortgage electric food, his hobbies fishing and drinking. We have 21 and 13 year old children. He wants me to give him money each month. He knows i struggle. We have not been ina relationship for 13 years. He knows that i do not love him but wont leave. What should i do?
Wow. So many wives going through the same thing I am going through. I am a Christian. I work full-time. I am active in the Church. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have three sons together. My youngest is 13. I saw the signs right after we got married but I guess I was in denial. Right after our honeymoon, my husband quit his job because he felt the boss was prejudice. Which he never mentioned before. Meanwhile, I was 7 months pregnant when we got married. During my years with him, he had and lost several jobs. So many I cannot count. He has been laid off, fired and quit multiple jobs. I have always worked full-time, gone to school and had multiple jobs at the same time in order to support us and the kids. It has always bothered me that I have been the one with the responsibility of supporting the family. In the meantime, he doesn’t help as much as he can by making sure the house is cleaned, dinner is cooked and the kids are cared for. Instead, he complains every time he has to take our son to practice, the house not being cleaned and makes comments about dinner sometimes not being my best. I wake up to go to work, while he is sleep in bed. I call him during the day and ask what he is doing today. The response is typically nothing. Now, my son is showing signs of being Lazy and now the damage is done but I am fed up. He complains when I work for my church. He complained when I was in school. He complained when I got a part job while I was on maternity leave. He complained when I had worked late. He is not supportive and I am sick and tired. I made a covenant with God to stay married but it is so hard when I am not being supported and I have a Lazy husband that threatens to leave me but doesn’t go anywhere instead he stays mad at me for not being Lazy. I feel I being taken advantage of and even my kids want me to leave their father.
Hi Jane Doe,
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this! That does sound REALLY rough, and it sounds like a terrible example for the kids.
Have you ever asked some friends or a pastor to sit down and talk to your husband with you? Or ever tried to draw some boundaries–like “I’m willing to work and make dinner twice a week, but I in turn need you to contribute. If you can’t, then the kids and I will have to make other arrangements?” Sometimes giving someone a wake-up call is what he needs!
Thank you, Sheila. I asked my Pastor to talk to him but my Pastor said it is not his place to talk to another man about their family affairs. Therefore, my Pastor told me to talk to his wife. I did. She advised me to hang in there and encourage him. That didn’t work with my husband. I have been told before to give him a wake up call. When, I get to the point when I am at the end of rope, I tell him how I feel and tell him we have to make other arrangements but then I stay like a fool afraid that if I leave, I will get hurt by him. I am willing to sell my house. So, I am not stuck on stuff because it doesn’t matter. Just afraid. Even though God doesn’t give a spirit of fear. I have to pray for courage but I am thinking according to word, if he leaves I am good and God is okay with that but the believing wife is not to leave.
I have to comment on this issue because it is VERY common. I haven’t gone through this personally. I have seen numerous close friends, some who I love dearly, dealing with this same problem under many different scenarios. I certainly know what to avoid.
First thing, my sympathies. This has to be one of the hardest modern problems women have to deal with. I apologize to my feminist friends, but there is no way a man can care for children, and home, as well as a woman. Women in this situation usually end up doing everything. A healthy man not providing for his family on a permanent basis is neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse that can be more difficult than physical abuse.
That said, first and foremost look to God. With Him all things are possible. He knows exactly what is going on, and what the solution will be. Still chances are the miracle won’t be immediate. It took a long time for the emotional damage to occur, and it takes time to heal. Place every day in God’s hands, and take things day to day. We ALL have our crosses.
One of the hardest and most important things to do is to maintain an emotional distance from the situation. I have seen friends get sick, loose their hair, become bitter, and loose their common sense. The situation is horribly frustrating but nobody can think straight in an overly emotional state of mind. The communication gets completely convoluted under emotional duress. The message needs to be simple. “Get a job, any job. If you love your family, you will care for us.”
Do not get caught up in pushing, supporting, and trying to change another person into doing what they are supposed to do, when they aren’t making the effort. I have seen people spend years trying to change their loved ones, and it becomes an unhealthy cycle that goes no where. In all fairness, it is offensive to have someone trying to constantly “change you”. Recognize their better qualities, communicate the specific problem, such as finances, and focus on what you can control; yourself.
If it is an abusive relationship, where the lack of work effort is permanent, it is a passive aggressive form of abuse, and the husband will play the victim. That makes the abuse a double whamy. Not only do you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you are the witch making your husband miserable. The passive aggressive abuser can’t do this if the spouse is “nice”. My friend in this situation lost her friends, her hair, and her job. I stuck with her and told her that she needed to stop blowing up at her husband. The things that she said made her look bad. She was simply frustrated, and said she couldn’t help herself. If we can’t control ourselves, we will be controlled. She spent 3 years in the same vicious cycle of finding him home 11 am playing video games, yelling, screaming, crying, and then feeling guilty. I understood her, but her outburst didn’t help.
Anger accomplishes nothing. Once that friend started looking for a job and distanced herself emotionally, her husband seems to have changed. He is the one questioning her, and trying to figure out what is going on. Not sure what is going to happen, but at least she is better prepared for what comes. At least her children aren’t emotionally scarred by the fighting and screaming.
Another important reason to try to be loving and compassionate is that other people can help. Honestly, an angry woman is hard to understand and sympathize with. It is very different to say “I can’t stand the sight of his face”, to say “he is not working, and the financial instablility is worrying me to death”.
People really shouldn’t tell their problems to everybody, but good friends or priests, will help. Don’t cover up or sugar coat the problem either. Situations like these are hard and I’ve seen too many proud women become very nasty, or blame themselves, or make excuses for their husband. That will never bring about a positive result. Honest and humble people will always have someone to turn to. The truth allows for better understanding which is needed to deal with the situation.
Don’t enable the behavior. Get rid of anything that is not essential. That means cable, internet, even cell phones, etc.
The problem could be beyond simple depression, anxiety, or fear. Addiction is a real problem these days. Porn is the new crack as far as I am concerned. Otherwise good men have lost marriages because of it. One lady’s husband was up watching porn all night, and another was watching porn on the internet all day. Get rid of it. If your husband is not working, YOU control the money.
I have another friend who likes to “keep up appearances”, when it’s probably best to be low profile. Socializing takes time and money. It is not a nessecity. This particular friend, who has been in financial problems for years, lives like a millionaire, or at least pretends to. Her children are older and she spoils them with borrowed money. Her children need to be working. It’s simply ridiculous, but perhaps a result of the emotional strain. The enabling factor can be a problem for children as well. No bueno. Take a good look at your budget, and cut all unecessary expenses. Nobody has the right to judge anybody, but good judgement is a gift.
I personally think every woman should treat her spouse the way she would want her daughter in law to treat her son. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, we all have to live with our actions and our conscience. We wouldn’t want our son to be coddled or enabled, allowing for an unhealthy lifestyle, and we wouldn’t want his wife to feel entitled to mistreat our son either.
I know a lady in this “modern situation” who lost the love and respect she once had for her husband. She asked God to help her love her husband the way he needed to be loved, and that resolved their relationship problem. Not that anything was perfect, it was simply a real loving marriage. There are people who overcome these issues and move on to find a love they didn’t know was possible. Divorce will NEVER solve the underlying problem, but sometimes people need to go their separate ways. Every situation is different.
Know that you are loved beyond your ability to even comprehend. Ask Him for guidance, and everything wll work out.
Thank you for your response. I rather stay at home and take care of my house. So, I am not hung up on being successful in the workplace. However, since he wouldn’t work enough to support the family, unfortunately I feel I have to work. I agree I wouldn’t want anyone treating my sons bad or enabling an unhealthy lifestyle. So, I try to be mindful of this when dealing with my husband. I think though I work also to avoid him and his negative ways. So, I am not totally innocent but I feel like he is trying advantage of me because of my faith. I am so deep in this that I cannot think straight. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate and I have lost my hair already. So, I wear wigs. Yet, my husband keeps up with his appearance and didn’t miss a beat when it comes to doing what he wants to do. So, I know he makes some money. He just doesn’t make enough to give his family or unless I bug the heck out of him I don’t get any money from him. For example, I got $80 last month total from him for the bills. While, my son gave me $200. Our bills are way over $2000 per month. I don’t spend money on myself but I do spend it on my kids and on paying the bills. I had gotten rid of the cable and the internet and my crazy butt signed up for it again when I had my stepson and grandkids came over for 2 weeks. I will continue to pray to God for guidance and strength as my goal is please God.
My husband has been out of work for a year now. He wanted to try and start his own business so being a good wife, I supported him. He started the business a year and half ago, after a few months of starting the business, he quit his job. The business has not been successful, he has drained his bank accounts and is started to drain out join accounts now. This is completely unacceptable to me. I have talked to him about it several times and he keeps telling me he will get a job, but then he never even tries. He just sits around the house all day and sponges off of my income. We have been married for 12 years and I am in my mid 40’s and need to think about retirement. It just hurts me so much that he doesn’t even care that he breaking my heart. I am the sole income provider and because he won’t get a job, I have to pay for everything which means I can’t put money back for retirement.
I have talked and talked to him about it. I have tried all kinds of approaches, nothing seems to work. At this point, I am giving him 2 months to get a job or I will be forced to file for divorce. I don’t want to do that as I am religious, but I also have to do what is best for me. I can’t live like this anymore. This isn’t the kind of marriage I signed up for.
I have a husband who had an accident over 18 years ago & has milked this to death. He did not do anything at all for at least 15 years. At 40 he decided that it was time to grow, too late for me. I was such a pushover and wanted to believe that he needed the help. He is only worried about looking good to strangers. He has stolen money. We came into money and he ruined that too. Refused to work and gave money away to pay other peoples bills without my permission. He simply did want to act like he was married- he wanted to behave as a single person. He is a narcissist who will always make decisions based on how the outcome will effect him. He has placed us on the backburner. Now he knows that I want to leave and now wants to change. Too, too little way too late. He ignored me for almost 20 years straight. I believe in separation to see if he really wants the marriage. I have threated to leave and never did. So you have to follow through as well. Now he knows this time is different and he is panicked. I will leave with the clothes on my back. No house (we has a house paid off at one time), zero savings, and bad credit for which he ran up these bills too. I realize I should have ended this ages ago, but when you come from abuse the patterns continue. If you feel uncomfortable in your own home something has to change. I never had one ounce of cooperation out of this man. I am so indifferent to him today it is sad. I never understood how a twenty year marriage ended until now. I am literally counting the minutes. But I know that once you are ready to leave that you will. I do not have any family, so I am looking into shelters, etc. The YWCA will rent rooms to single women also with children. I hope that you are all safe but emotional abuse is a killer too. Best of luck to you all.
Thank you for sharing. It encourages me.
Diane, I hope you are doing well. I agree with Jane Doe, Your words encourage me also, after 26 years of the same stuff you spoke of….Sick and tired doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Hi there, I am in a similar quandary. My husband and I met in Germany, when we both had just arrived. I have a German passport, although I have lived most of my life outside Germany. I left the country of my birth for economic and political reasons.
He had entered the county illegally, (or rather, legally with a short stay visa, but then did not leave the country). When we first got together, I understood the situation, and I did everything in my power to help him get residence and a work permit. I worked a job I really hated, whihc was freelance, underpaid, and really exhasting and thankless. However, I was willing to do whatever it took, to start over. After almost a year, I landed a permanent job and we moved cities.
He is Muslim, I am not. It was very difficult for me to get used his cultural practices, including giving up alcohol, only buying halaal food, and a restricted way of life, which I was not accustomed to. He hated e travelling for my job and really got enraged when I had to travel.
It was a high stress job, which paid pretty well. In this time, he also expected me to do the housework, and to cook him food daily. He did sme ousework, but very little.
After six months probation, I was not re-employed, and spent two months intensively applying for many (20 -30 job applications in total). I literally treated looking for a job, like a job.
After 2 and half months, I moved on to another job, much better paid. However, I had to commute 200 km daily, which was very exhausting. I cycled 4 km to station then, train, then cycled 6 km, and again in the evening.
After doing this for a few months, we moved again, to my cnpany’s town (not my frst choice, as I find small-town Germany very stifling). But, the commute was killing me. I was always tired, and used the weekend to recover.
However, I loved him, so I made the effort and kept going. Just before taking my second permanent job (just short of two years after we met), we got married, as we realized this was the only way to get him residence and a work permit.
So, we moved to the small town, where he actually made some great friends. We got agreta apartment, but I hated small.town Germany, my boss was a tyrant, and I went from exiting international media work and campaigns, to small-town corporate work. It was very unsatisfying, together with an oppressive working environment.
In this time, he made very little effort to look for job opportunities. He has a Business Degree, specialized in Accounting, and I was convinced that as soon as he had a work visa, he would put in the effort. Eventually, after a huge amount of effort, going to the German Foreign Departments, dealing with bureaucracy ad nauseam, his work visa came through, as did his residency.
However, although he made some effort to find casual work, he made no effort to start a career, and find a job in is profession. So, we decided he start to start a Master’s Degree, so that would stand him in good stead in Germany. It included further German language lessons, so that was helpful too. He is very linguistically talented and speaks four languages well.
He disliked the Master*s course, and didn’t write his exams. He also felt that the other students and lecturers did not agree with his political viewpoint, specifically with regard to how Muslims are treated in Europe, by the world. He does have a point, but its a real obsession.
Even though he didn’t like the course, I was very upset that he didn’t write the exams. I felt that he absolutely did not make the effort. Like my money was being disrespected, and he could not even get that together.
After a year and a half, I decided to leave, change jobs and city…from small town to Berlin. In the last year, he finally landed a 3-month temp. job, as a Finance Controller, which, although below his educational level, is at least a good position, within his profession. Yet, still no major effort to find more work in his profession. He repeatedly blames me for moving. I kept moving due to job opportunities.
I must point out that we both felt very alienated by the German culture, and their treatment of other cultures, especially Muslims.
Its now almost 5 years on, 3 years married officially, and still no real career development. I am pretty much at the end of my tether, as my money keeps diminishing and I have to keep paying for everything.
I think he is depressed, and he likes his comfort zone. He seems to lack drive and ambition. I think he feels that his pride and honour have taken a beating in Germany, as well as by me, because I get really upset by the situation! He does believe that the man should be the provider and it is so in his culture.
One wold think that this should move him to action, motivate him to keep pushing. I am a tenacious go-getter when I have to be. So I don’t get this inaction on his part.
I am feeling burnt-out and traumatised.
As AJ says, I cannot allow this to continue. I need to make a decision soon. Its shape up or ship out.
However, I’m not sure how to go about it. I love him, and do feel empathy. I also feel anger and resentment.
My partner of 15 yearsnever work even once. I took the responsibility of being the bread winner in the family, while he stayed at home with my son who is now 15yrs old. He barely helps around the house, the only thing that I can make use of him is as the family driver. He drives me to work and my son to school. We also lives in the house he inherited from his parents. Recently I lost my job of 6 years and he accused me of just “staying in bed” while he does all the work. This is despite the fact that I’m still the one paying our family expenses with my savings. I guess he just couldn’t stand that I’m giving less now than I used to. We got into heated argument that turned to shouting and hurtful words. On top of his voice, he said he wouldn’t let me shout at him in his own house. He asked me to pack my stuff and leave his house because he doesn’t need me anymore, when I tried to remind him how I financially provided for the family all these years. Says he doesnt need to appreciate what I do, because its what I need to do after all I am living in His house. Feeling so used and betrayed will be an understatement. I just couldn’t believe my ears. Im current packing my stuff and my kids stuff, which is about 90% of what’s inside the house. Seeking courage to help get through this nightmare. Helpful advise will be very much appreciated..
Its a huge problem with men now having no ambition or williness to work. Its so hard to find a good man who has a secure job. I’m 23 and have yet to find a working man who doesn’t go from job to job or who just doesn’t care if he works or not. I could care less almost what jib they have or how much they make as long as theres security hope I find it one day. All I ask for a man to work just as much as me.
I have often wondered if there is a secret club for men who want to learn how to manipulate women and work them into the grave while the sit twiddling their thumbs. Rather like Stepford wives.
My father is married to a woman who just isn’t interested in working. She is a very talented person and could easily get a medical license or even teach, but she didn’t want to make the effort and stayed homebound for many years. My children’s school is filled with moms who don’t work, but can.
I feel all you ladies on this thread. I am so beyond frustrated I can’t even sleep. I also have cried twice in my sleep with frustration, being overwhelmed with my lazy pothead of a boyfriend. I’m gonna try to make this short. High school sweet hearts since 2009, I became pregnant at 18. A lot of craziness at that time. Well my bf (I’ll call him Bob) bob and I have been together for 7 years now and he has been mooching off a free check for the past 3 1/2 years! His “Job” is taking care of his disabled mother. Obviously he doesn’t really work, he sits at home all day of everyday playing video games and smoking weed outside our apartment. His 800$ a month check is exactly enough for our bills but that’s it. He has anger issues, if I bring up the job topic he gets angry and puts up a wall of excuses. This has been going on for the past 3 1/2 years. We have two children together. I’m actually at the point where I don’t feel any attraction to him what so ever. Sad to say but 100% true. His mom babied him all his life so that doesn’t help. I’ve worked jobs through out these years and every time I work he mooches off the check I get. When I work he uses parts of his check to buy weed, online game accounts and I am forced to give him money. The money I am trying to save to get a car for myself. I figured at this point my only option is to work, save for a car then leave him. I have zero desire to have sex with him. I push him away so bad. I’ve developed a grudge towards him. He is not disabled or anything he just chooses not to work. He has no interests besides weed, his games & obsessing over how horrible the government is. I don’t even pay attention anymore when he’s trying to start conversation w me. I have nothing for him anymore. He has a bad bad temper so I feel if I don’t talk to him he won’t blow up. Also at this points I have nothing to say to him. ? can’t believe it got to this point and he’s too blind to even see it. He’s also arrogant lk some ladies have mentioned on here, everybodys stupid blah blah. I had so many plans for my kids, all down the drain. God please be with me.
Hi there. I found this website because I was searching for answers. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, and in the beginning for 10!years he’s been the one with a steady job. I was suffering from generalized anxiety disorder for almost 10!years so it was hard for me to hold a job, because I was let go after a short period. During this time, I worked a string of jobs never really truly being out of work either working part time or full time to find my way. This entire time, my parents are helping me financially by providing free childcare when my daughter was a baby and I was in nursing school to now when my daughter returns home as a well adjusted 10 year old. Also, I have a set of special needs twin boys who’ll be 6 next month. The youngest one was diagnosed with autism 3 years ago through a special needs school/hospital, and even though the oldest twin was not diagnosed with autism I suspect he’s on the spectrum too. Well, after years of hard work, and being back stabbed as a floor RN, I think I have found my calling as a school nurse now going on my 3rd year as a middle school nurse. My husband’s job in the beginning when we got married technically wasn’t enough to entirely pay the bills, because his health insurance Took a big big chunk of his pay but because of my savings, my work and my parents helping to put me through nursing school I think it helped. I had tried to get my husband to find a better paying job but he always had an excuse not to find a job saying in the beginning he wanted to relax on the weekends with his Star Wars group to eventually saying that there will not be enough well paying jobs in the future due to our failing economy to he’s too tired taking care of the kids, etc. well two years ago, his it job got outsourced to another city, and he was without a job for 3-5 months until I found him another job working as an it coordinator for a private school. I thought he finally found his niche until he told me he was going to quit his job 4 months ago without a backup. On one hand I couldn’t blame him because the principal was a poor manager but still..I told him he shouldn’t quit without a backup, but he did. For a good 2-3 months he was looking hard for a job because I told him if he doesn’t look hard he can go live with his mom at night. Well, he didn’t find a job despite having 20 yrs of IT experience. No IT would accept him even some grocery stores wouldn’t accept him in minimum wage jobs. There is a job that possibly would accept him next year grading papers temporarily but that’s it. The only lead he really has right now is a volunteer position with the local autism society where he volunteers about 2 hrs a week helping with their computers. He said an employee is leaving and he might be able to get a part time position working 15 hrs/wk how much it’ll earn I suspect very low. I asked him several times to look for more positions, but he doesn’t want to be pressured, because he wants to be at home to help take care of the kids with my parents who by the way earn a pretty pension from their previous jobs with the navy and civil service. Plus, my parents are slower, and my husband wants to help watch them. Friends keep on asking if they should even take care of the kids but overall they’re doing a great job. The boys therapy which is at a program called brain balance entails them to exercise more instead of watching t.v. And it being the summer I’m proud to say that my husband is letting them play outside more and is overall taking good care of them. My parents insist to help take care of the kids because they’re retired and plus it’s part of our culture to help raise grandchildren, so we let them. My husband does help do dishes, cook, fo laundry and occasionally clean, because frankly my boys keep on making a mess, but through their program are getting better. I guess my question is should I be expecting more from my husband? I want him to look for more jobs and I tell him my parents aren’t getting younger and he said that he should be home to help take care of the kids and work part time or full time he doesn’t know. He said he doesn’t want to go to another position like the last one where it wasn’t the right setting but I told him he’s a family man he needs to find something. After my parents and especially me badgering him over again he threatened to leave me saying he doesn’t want to be pressured. Contemplated throwing him out, but I concluded unlike some husbands he us to a degree doing his household duties. What do you guys think?
My finance lost his job six months ago and all he does is work out. He says it’s his full time job. He get 400 dollars a month and doesn’t offer any of it to help pay the bills. I do everything the cleaning cooking laundry walk the dog and work 50 hours a week. I still don’t make enough to pay the bills. His parents offered us to move in with them and I thought that’s a great idea then he’ll get a job. I don’t k ow what to do Nymore I’m so lost and stressing out please help!
Hi there,
That’s a really sad situation, and one that I’ve seen a lot of people in on the blog. The one thing I will tell you is this: Marriage does not magically make someone more responsible. And moving in with parents normally makes someone LESS responsible, because there’s no pressure anymore to make an income.
I think if you’re seeing this kind of character problem in him now, it may be a good idea to step back and rethink the wedding, until he’s shown you that he’s willing to work as hard as you. Otherwise you’ll be working this hard for the rest of your life, and adding children to the mix, while he may not be doing very much. Until he shows you that he wants to work, too, I would definitely take a step back!
Well I can totally relate. Been married almost 7 years and my husband has not worked most of those years. He worked when we 1st met and then we started a business. The business was going great until the recession hit and then it basically went to nothing. He checked out after this. We moved out of state for a new job opportunity for me and he was hoping he would have better opportunities as well. He worked for 10 months driving uber and then quit cause he honestly was making enough to cover the expenses involved with the job. Then he took up flying rc helicopters and spent a ton of money we did not have on this. I told him surely he could find a job flying drones or something related. Meanwhile he mostly sits a home all day and does very little to help out around the house. My son, who still lives with us, works 6 days a week and isn’t around much to help out around the house. He says I treat my son like an adult and him like a child because I ask him to do his fair share around the house and not my son. My son is hardly ever home and is not making messes in the house. When I finally lose my mind and say something, it always gets turned back around on to me. He is awake half the night and sleeps half the day. He said he’s going to get rid of all the helicopter stuff because of the cost, but I honestly think it’s just another empty promise. Im ready to give him an ultimatum, counseling or separation. The problem is he has no where to go and I cant aford to pay for another place for him to stay. Were renting now. I really do love him and I keep telling myself I married him for better or for worse and we’re in just one of those worse places. But after readings some of the comments on this page I think he truely is either using me for a free ride or will never change. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am starting to resent him and have told him so. He then just stops all communication and avoids me, while making a short term attempt to do more. The sad part is it usually only lasts a few weeks then we are right back to the same routine. I really don’t think I can continue on this path without it affecting my mental health. I’m torn.
I’m so glad i found this site. Im very much relieved to know that it’s not only me who’s going through the same issue. I moved to my husband’s state to be with him, we got married afterwards, I had to quit my previous job due to my relocation. That time, my husband is working at a restaurant and he was doing his job by providing for both of us for about 4-5 months. Although i didnt had a full time job that time I was still doing a little part time at home. My part time gig pays for our groceries and car insurance. We moved to a new neighborhood and got our own place after marriage, our house lacks furniture for almost 2 years now as we are only barely making it every month, and buying furnitures for the living room is out of the question. I’ve decided to get job to help our financial status. I knew it wouldnt be a problem for me in getting a job anywhere as i have a degree where as my husband does not. I landed a great paying job within a month and I thought we’re finally doing great, I was so excited to buy a vacuum cleaner as our carpet is way beyond it’s cleaning due. My husband worked night shift before and to get our schedules in line he decided to quit his night job at a restaurant and look for another day time job near my work place so we can carpool every morning. It’s been almost a year now and we’re still barely making it. My income is just enough to pay our bills every month. I get so frustrated that I could not even save a dollar on my salary because we need to spend every last penny for food and gas money everyday. It’s been almost two years since I started taking over and he’s still out of work. He said he’s applying and trying his best, but i really dont think he is.
Some days I’ll come home brain dead exhausted from work to clean up the mess he made at home. Dirty dishes in the sink, kitchen floors un mopped and all slimy, & his cigarette ashes are everywhere!! Im going crazy, the least he could do is go about his fair share on house chores but no he’d rather play his video games 24/7. I do almost everything right now, pay the bills and do household work. Thank god we dont have kids right now as I would probably experiencing a huge melt down if I had to nurse a baby too. I’ve been nagging him about getting a job so we can finally breathe some fresh air and not have to struggle in making end’s meet every month. He gets aggravated and tells me there are no jobs for him, no one will hire him etc. but I just think he’s just being picky with it. Worse comes to worst, he could get a job at walmart stacking some groceries, and ill be okay with it as long as he’s getting paid. I am seriously and awfully tired and frustrated right now and angry. I dont know what to do. I wish there is a support group on frusrated wives around this little city we’re at as I really can’t deal with all this pressure on my back right now i needed help and support. 🙁
This evening I was searching the Google to find a solution of my husband’s not working mode and I have find all of you on this page…… I wonder… And I am sorry for all of you… I am facing this problem from more then 5 years now in my 22 years of marriage life…. Initially I thought he will come out of all this in some days… Then the months….years…..but no changes come ever….i try make him understand with love……emotionally…….. Get anger… Had fight….but nothing made any change…..finaly I thought I will never ask him again for work…….whatever I could do I will do to support my family…. But now I am 40…..and I am tiered travelling for work in a over populated city in India…… I am tired working from so many years… I am tired seen him setting at home and watching TV and playing games on internet…. I feel to run away… I know I am getting made…..
I’ve been married 8 years with a man with a law degree. He has only worked for 3 months during our marriage. I have tried to look for work but I am having difficulties because I had to fight for my child for 8 years after they illegally took him from me. He helped me to fight for my son. We have been to every court except the United States Supreme Court. I had to sale almost everything I had to do this.
He promised to work but won’t. I am so burnt out and sad that I am unable to think straight anymore and have developed C-PTSD because of all of it. I almost died in 2009 because of all the stress and depression. I envy any women who even has a husband who will work at a convient store.
Hi everyone,
Thank you for sharing your stories. They give me peace knowing I’m not losing my mind and the signs I saw weren’t just in my mind.
Met my husband in 2012. He didn’t have his residency but was working. We had a world wind romance and had a small wedding at the end of 2013. I applied to sponsor him. While waiting he decided to pursue his dream for acting. The agreement was he had a year as that’s the maximum time it would take for the process of getting his residency. While he was away, I worked on a graduate degree . I worked a full time job and a part time job both jobs paid for school, his rent , and my rent. His paperwork went through in 6 months so I said great we don’t have to wait the year. But he wasn’t ready to walk away from his dreams. So I offered to move to be with him and had my credentials approved and a job offer. He refused to have me move saying it’s not right that I give up my career. But I could keep studying and working and wouldn’t need to work two jobs. The year was up and he refused to return saying it’s not his responsibility to take care of bills as I earn more than him. But I was paying two rents and other expenses for both of us. Then he became verbally and emotionally abusive. I was ready to walk away but I unexpectedly got pregnant and changed course. I took what was left in savings and put that towards a house and stopped sending money to him and put it towards saving for a baby. He said we should live with his mother, buy a house for her then get our own. That wasn’t going to happen especially because she told me off and said I was uppity and expected me to leave school and to keep working two jobs because her son was not used to any job that was manual or physical which was what he could get right away given a baby on the way. I decided to do this alone. Once no more money was going to my husband he moved back saying it was for the baby. I was already 7 months in. We tried to make it work, but he wouldn’t get a job saying women like me take the jobs men should have. I ended up in the hospital a day after giving birth because he physically assaulted me. Finally he tried to assault me again when our child was 6 months old. I called the police and he was escorted out. I finished school. Went back to one job and by the grace of God my child and I are okay. We’ve been separated for over a year, but I am on my way to financial recovery and live in a healthy emotional environment. He is living with his mom and pursuing his acting career.
Lesson: not everything that glitters is gold. When someone asks for money early in a relationship to pay debts or other finances, this is a red flag. When they’re not in a job for more than a year, redflag. When they have no savings of their own but grand dreams without a plan, red flag. When mom and siblings send money they are enablers so recognize he will not change. Marriage is a partnership and if one party only ever takes, that’s a red flag. It’s fake. Not lasting. Walk away.
I really wish my husband would learn to work for People because all he wants to do is try to work for himself but it is not paying the bills. The truck keeps breaking down and He will not get a regular job. He always thinks he is above that like snubbing his nose at it. I work myself 5 days a week a normal job at night and I get our son up for school and pick him up for school before I have to go to work. I really wish My husband would work like my parents did. I learned my work ethic from them. One would work at night and one would work in the morning so they could provide for us. Why are men so lazy. I am sorry I may be harsh but I don’t want to have to hold his hand every step of the way like I am his mother and telling him what to do. I always remind him of things that need to get done and I already feel like I am his mother and he always gets mad that I remind him. If I don’t say anything then he forgets or doesn’t do it. I am so tired of being the only one working. It may come down to me getting a better Job so I can provide almost like I am 2 people because he is not picking up the slack. What to do?
Why oh why do we as wives have to always be coddling these men? Why do we have to leave our children, handle the bills, come home and cook, food shopping, put the food away, do the laundry, how work with the kids, kids team games, manage everything and work while they get to do whatever and then be the one encouraging too? This is all madness. I hate having to be understanding when they clearly couldn’t care less. Completely immature and selfish. And then on top of that most have bad attitudes, verbally abusive and just out right awful dad’s who we know we couldn’t even trust that they would remember to pick up heir own kid from school. Burnt out with always having to pray, do it all and then have to be aww honey it will be alright, this cannot be right. These men are not honoring their wives as the bible says a man should do. This is abuse and a nightmare. And then on top of it all the only way to change things is to have again, gather the strength to get it together and have to literally leave the house because most of hem will refuse to leave. Selfish. So now we are the horrible wives that left them as they cry on someone’s shoulder bad mouthing us for complaining and nagging. It’s all a nightmare. and then to have to get a new place, put the kids in a new school and everything else because again, most will not be decent and leave and get themselves together. This is no life. But it’s hard for women because we are barely making ends meet and it’s not even an option to gather the money to leave. So instead many of us are stuck in this daily repetitive nightmare. Most of us are stuck because we cannot afford to leave.
Hey , how long would you wait and be patient with an unemployed husband who is lazy and unwilling to go seek a job? It’s has been almost a year now that he lost his job, he tried to find another one at first but then he gave up..we have a 5 month old baby and I’m the only provider. I can’t make the ends meet, i borrow money from my mom that I can’t give back for now. I’m really lost i need advice. I love him very much and i don’t want to lose him,before this we had a great relationship, what should i do ?
Hi Riri, That’s so hard! I’m so sorry! And I’m sure you’re not getting much sleep, either. It sounds like you need some help. Is there a mentor that he respects, or an older family member that you could bring in to talk with him all together and tell him this can’t go on? It sounds like you need to set some clear boundaries, and you may need some help with that!
If a man doesnt want to work he doesnt love you. I’m not doing it anymore. I had one guy who hung on the couch. I had to take care of 3 kids. Just didnt give him food anymore except bread. Thats what I ate too. I’m not a millionair. Kids go first. He got hungry so he took a job lol and the money was only for him.. It was a real nice divorce. This is mine. That is yours. He didnt try to get my stuff. Lol he took away the couch cuz that was from his parents. I gave him the chair cuz I bought it for him. He was so thankful.
I have reached a point of sadness and desperation. I have been married nearly 17 years and my husband has never really had a job this entire time ($700 a month for 10 months doesn’t really seem to count). Sure he has tried to start a business, has gone to school to be a pastor, has tried to be a pastor but had a falling out with the denomination but I keep saying normal people have a job while they are an entrepreneur and then switch when they can support themselves. Until I started cracking down recently he barely did anything with the kids other than pick them up from school. He is constantly stressed about one thing or another where I don’t want to bring anything up. When he is home, he stays in the basement doing who knows what. I have all the stress of the job, the finances, the kids, dinners, etc. He shops some and now does laundry but I am so resentful that I no longer can even view him as an equal. I just feel trapped. He is a great guy in all other ways but I find myself more and more just thinking of being on my own but the cost of that being even greater because he couldn’t support himself and i really dont want that for the kids either. I just want him to find something where he isn’t juat floating by and to be happy.
I came across this blog and am surprised that there are so many who are experiencing this.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years, out of which he has been jobless for at least 3 years. I have been paying off bills and even fees for his family, and I am really sick of doing this. I have tried various ways, including helping him find suitable job openings, forwarding it to him, only to have him tell me that he feels he isn’t suitable for it. He sends out about 5 applications a day, and spends time watching tv or browing the internet. I have been working non-stop ever since I married him, never taking a long break. During those times, I would often come home to a messy house with a sinkload full of dirty dishes. During weekends, I also had to clean up the house. Somedays I get quite upset and refuse to do anything, for i didn’t understand why I had to be the only one working and then also helping with household chores. Despite me holding a well paying job, i have no savings as I have been supporting him for 3 years. I wonder how long would this last, and wonder if I should leave him. He gets angry whenever I talk about it, and gets a job on the spur of the moment, then quit after 2-3 months because he is unsuitable. In some of the jobs, he comes home with injuries and then I have to pay his medical bills too. What should I do now? I can’t go on like this.
Lily, that is tough! I’m not sure your age, but you also have to think ahead to kids. If he won’t help around the house and won’t help support them, then that’s a real problem. I know many men who are awesome stay at home dads, and who really do hold down the fort and look after the home. But I know other women whose husbands wouldn’t help and they had to put the kids in day care. That’s not right. Do you know what the root is to why he won’t work? Is it just laziness, or does he have some real self-esteem and fear issues?
Sadly I’m in the same boat with my husband. He had a good job when we met 11 yrs ago. A few months into us living together he was fired from his job and hasn’t worked since. For the first few yrs it was ok I was making a enough to make it work without struggle while he was trying to find his way. I’ve been more than patient. I now find myself in a position where Costs are rising in so many different areas of our lives, rent , insurance, gas , food…we live in California so you get the picture. My income has stayed the same as I’m working for a tech company that has not been doing well and may be on the verge of closing. Because of this I have not had a raise since 2014. I feel strangled by the burden of bills with no help. He does surveys for money and sometimes gives me 10 a day..every other week. It’s something however definitely not enough and not fair. Last night he’s bitching about everything being a struggle and getting tired of it because we never have money. I couldn’t believe that I was hearing. I asked what the hell else am I supposed to do. I mentioned dgetting a 2nd job before in hopes that would wake him the hell up. Nope. He’s all talk. He said I’ll get a 2nd job before u, that’s crazy. Ok. So I’m waiting. He sees the struggle. So I said I mentioned getting a 2nd job before, u said you would do it before I would have to so? Then he blows up and says see tell me how you really feel,trying to turn it on me. WTH. I want to cry and I don’t know what the hell to do at this point. I feel like how could you think it’s ok not to work when I’m falling behind on bills etc. He does pick up around house, make dinner etc but money is what’s needed. I don’t need a maid etc. Why can’t he just be a man? Why does it depend on me having to say it how he should be a man. It’s disgraceful and so disappointing.
Oh, Maria, I’m so sorry! Do you have family members who can come alongside him and tell him to shape up? Or could you set some boundaries in place where you say that you’re willing to work to keep a roof over your head and food on your table, but not to help him out for things he could do himself? It doesn’t help him to do nothing, either, when God created him for much more.
Through Jesus Christ, you have the God given right, to separate yourself, from him.
Your husband doesn’t show me, any respect or love for you, You need a man that
would die for you, and that will provide for you and the family! Pray to Jesus Christ!
for a Plan, that he can give you, and He will answer you! P.S. Ask the church to help you.
In reference to Mary’s comment, it is true that husbands are called to love their wives as they love their own bodies. We are called to respect and submit to our husbands unless either of those commands would dishonor the Lord. Sanctification is a growth process. While we want to look to our husbands in terms of what they are or are not doing, we will stand before the Lord one day only for what we have done. Please seek the Lord earnestly and let Him tell you what He wants you to do. Consider whether your husband has loved you in other ways. My husband balked at being the primary provider for a long time and still has to prove himself “in the real world”. In other words, he has come to grips with owning that role; now he needs to find work that will enable him to do what he has said he wants to do. In the meantime, the Lord has sustained us – miraculously! I see that I don’t respect or submit to him like I should. How, then, can I expect him to function perfectly in his role? Separation can be good. I did that myself last month – for five days. Though we are still struggling, we are making progress. It was good for me to go and good for me to make sure it was “safe” to come back. God is in control and He will protect you. He loves you more than words can express!
I know but we do not have reasons to leave our husbands except for infidelity. If he is not unfaithful, meaning having sex with another, then we cannot leave. Even if Paul exhorts husbands to love their wives, that does not still give us biblical reason for divorce and if you are working or have a pension and you think divorce will free you, be careful. After the lawyer gets all the money, you will still have to share your money with him. so saying that the husband should die for the wife still does not give us the right to leave.
Your husband needs to see a therapist and maybe get some anti depressants.
I know, Traci. That is why I am still with him. I pray God will rescue my marriage and prick my husband’s heart. I pray that God will continue to strengthen me. But it is not easy at all. I do feel like it is a form of Neglect and how can my husband say he loves me when he doesn’t do what he has to do to support his family? I feel more like his possession that his wife.
my daughter just started dating a guy who is lazy.She moved him in with her BIG mistake. He got a job worked 3 days show her he wanted to work but quit and started making excuses as to why he can not work ,He is sick/He is diabetic, he has cold is 100 degree weather RIGHT liar Excuses from everywhere .. Laziest guy I ever met in my life. And she works next to my house so he stays at my house all day while she works. Every time she walks outside he runs outside to her. Stalker he is. I see him as dangerous.. or am I a over protective mother ?
Absolutely not, but it’s hard to get a daughter to follow your advice. If you tell her to leave him, she may rebel and cling to him more. Hopefully, she’ll realize on her own that he’s a bum sooner than later. I certainly hope so.
No you’re not. It’s hard sometimes to see what others see. I strongly encourage you to tell her, gently. I’ve gone through this and I have so many regrets about not walking away. You’re her mom she may get annoyed or angry but she’ll eventually say you were right or he’ll smarten up and realize he could lose a good woman and get motivated to be the man God intended him to be.