It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below. Because I’m taking the summer to work on some serious writing projects, I’m re-running some older posts that you probably didn’t see, because I published them before the blog got big. This is one of my favourites!
I was browsing around the internet lately and found the best synopsis of marriage advice I’ve seen in a long time.
Readers to this blog won’t find any of it surprising. I talk on these themes all the time. But it’s so pithy and wise, I have to reproduce it just as she said it over at Garden of Holiness:
3 Things to Keep in Mind
1. You picked him.
2. You can’t change him.
3. You didn’t marry a girl.
Aren’t those brilliant? Christine elaborates on them here.
You picked him: sometimes we women complain endlessly about our husbands, but let’s remember: this is the man I chose to marry. I had free will, and I decided this was the man for me. There were things about him I absolutely loved. When things are tough, remind yourself: I picked him, because… And remind yourself that the vow you made matters!
And you can’t change him. So stop trying. In fact, it’s better to pray that God will bless him and make him into the man God wants him to be–not the man you want him to be! As you start praying for him this way, God often changes our hearts. And then we can focus on changing ourselves.
And remember, he’s a guy! And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It reminds me of this great song by Brad Paisley, I’m Still a Guy. Enjoy!
Have anything pithy to add? Leave a thought in the comments! Or link up your own post in the linky below.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Three simple points, but they could make a world of difference in a lot of marriages. Thanks for the reminder.
Good reminders…I must’ve been out of my mind when I picked him…….I’m living with his elderly mother who has early Alzheimers Dementia and living here with her becomes harder each day. She constantly complains about our 9 yr old son making “too much noise” at 7:30pm…when she’s trying to sleep…while it’s still daylight out. My husband REFUSES to admit that his mother needs more help and supervision than we can provide her at home given the fact that both of us work full time jobs. She is 90 yrs old. NO ONE lives forever. I try to discuss things about her with him in a calm manner and he cops an attitude. His excuse is he didn’t think she’d be living this long! Um, did ya forget that your grandmother lived well into her 90’s??
No woman should EVER have to live with her mother in law and if I’d have known this was going to be my life 15 yrs ago, I would have NEVER married him!!!
He deceived me into thinking after a few years of living with his mother that we’d save and buy our own house…yet when those two years were up, he renegged on his promise to me……THEN in 2009-2011, he HAD AN AFFAIR!!!!! Tries to blame it on me because I was cold and distant….well maybe that’s because HE is a momma’s boy. He wants a housewife YET expects me to continue to work a full time job(which I currently CANNOT STAND my employer–but I stay because we need my income with DH facing yet ANOTHER LAY OFF in the near future) It’ll be like the 5th time he’s been laid off in our marriage…he turned 50 on Sunday. He never went to college except when he tried to become a Pharmacy Tech and decided he didn’t like being bossed around by Pharmacists. Now he’s at the mercy of the economy here in the US…which hasn’t gotten THAT much better since the crash in 2008. So I hve to work to make SURE that I provide my family with medical and dental benefits. My workplace has become VERY STRESSFUL and I’m at my wits end there too!! I LOVE what I do but HATE where I work if that makes sense.
I digress…I met DH when he was 34 and already divorced from a woman who’d cheated on him after two months of marriage. Can’t change them at all and I”m close to being DONE trying to keep our marriage going.
P.S.–is that ‘pithy’ enough for you? lol
I’m just FED UP! I’ve prayed and prayed for him to change his demeanor. He has a LOT of similar qualities of his dear mother. Very anxious and angry….his affair partner claims to have told him the same thing(she was my friend too—nice to me while sleeping with my husband behind my back–nice huh?) We’d gone to counseling in early 2012…had to stop when I got diagnosed with a kidney tumor that ended up being cancerous…Dec 20.2011-May7th 2012 was VERY stressful for me. MY faith in God got me through but I keep wondering why I’m being put in this situation with his mother. It’s hard to be patient with a person who has Alzheimers. And it’s hard to work someplace where all your hard work is NOT appreciated.
Hi Kelly,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this! I know you’ve been really trying–I can see that in all your comments over the last few months (years?). I really appreciate you!
You’ve got a lot of issues here to try to untangle, but I think the one with his mother really needs to be dealt with. A woman in her 90s with dementia is not safe living in a house where two people work full-time, and your son deserves more.
I would have a talk with him and say that you cannot do this anymore. Research where else she could go, and reach out and find some services that deal with people with dementia. Then talk to a counselor and perhaps ask if you can sit down with your husband and a counselor/pastor and determine what should be done. He is called to leave his parents and cleave to you, and it sounds as if this is a step that may not have been taken with him.
Issues with parents are really difficult. Obviously she needs help and he doesn’t want her out on the street, but I’m sure there’s another alternative. And I think if you approach it with “she’s not safe”, and pretty soon she won’t be able to live here anyway because she’ll deteriorate so much, and it’s better to get her settled somewhere else now, before that happens. It’s in everybody’s best interests.
Hope that helps! I’ve said a prayer for you,
Sheila.
*hugs* Sadly many mistresses seem to go out of their way to act nice to the wife. For those who at least have some kind of conscience it is to try to some how “make up” for what they are doing, and for those who have no conscience, it is merely a tool to distract the poor wife.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My grandmother with dementia lived with my parents for just 6 months, and while it didn’t risk their marriage, it did wreck their mental health with my mother sinking into deep depression and my father (also depressed) angrily lashing out at everyone. 6 months was enough to seriously damage all of my family (not just my parents, but the flow on effect to myself and my siblings and my daughter). You must have amazing strength.
Is there any female friends in your life you can turn to for support? You need trustworthy females (preferably christian) friends to build you up and keep you going.
You are really strong and you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances. Please don’t give up. I’m praying for you mate. *hugs*
KellyK so sorry to hear of your feelings in your tough situation. You are clearly in a tough situation. I’m no expert, just a regular woman going through marriage bliss but I want to add some words to think on.
This very situation is going on in my family right now – my grandmother was moved in to my Uncle and Aunt’s home. It has taken a tole on their entire family, including all 4 of their children. My Aunt has been her primary care taker for the last 5+ years and my grandmother is now so bad off with dementia that she has no idea who anyone is and can hardly speak, she can’t stand up, she can’t do anything on her own. Yet my Aunt – who is her daughter in law – not her actual daughter has stood right by her side, bathed her, changed her diapers, fed her, does her hair, changes her clothes and so much more on a daily basis for over 5 years! She is now, likely in her last days. I’ve asked my Aunt many times why she puts up with this, why she takes care of a woman – doesn’t get paid to do it, just does it out of a willing heart. She always replies, I do it for my husband, it is his mother and I know that it pleases him to know she will be around a little longer given the care I’m giving her.
It is not an ideal situation for so many reasons.
I won’t go on about it. But I pray that you would open your heart, pray to God – he is listening and pray that he will open both you and your husands hearts and follow God’s will for all of your lives. His mother is not going to be around forever. Is your marriage worth giving up when she could pass tomorrow, next week, next month?
Praying for changed hearts and a peace of mind.
Know each others’ Love Languages, and do a re-check periodically to see if they’ve changed.
I love this! And that Brad Paisley song is one of my favorites… my husband plays it occasionally, and I just laugh, because it is SO him. 😀 Thanks so much for such wonderful reminders! My husband and I have our wedding vows–everything we said, word-for-word–in a framed print in our bedrooms (it was a wedding gift from a friend). Below it are signatures from some of our family and friends who were at our wedding and witnessed us make those vows. I treasure that so much because it’s an amazing reminder of the commitment we made to each other and to God! I am blessed with a husband who I do not deserve–God is so good.
No.3 is funny – because I swear I married a girl! I feel like the boy in the relationship most of the time. The one who has to be emotionally strong, logical, planning things etc. I don’t mind him being sensitive and stuff (actually I love it!) but all I wish is he’d take the reins more.
Hey Butterfly wings. Have you let know you want him to lead? If you did, have you been willing to follow?
I am one of those sensitive guys. I have to tell you it has been a battle with my wife. When angry, she is willing to do things that burn bridges with me, without any visible remorse. This also comes into play when I try to incorporate her support in making plans and pursuing goals in our marriage. She often says the right things, but her actions (or inactions) indicate otherwise. There is a tough and fine line between striving for Gods will in a marriage, and codependance (I finally figured it out in our case). Point being, sometimes mixed messages come across, and it is hard to distinguish at times. Be tough, but not too tough or you will be seen as a neandrethal, insensitive and a “typical guy”. Be sensitive and caring, but not too caring lest you be percieved as soft and a whimp. I have to tell you, I am sensitive, I cry (for the important things). I am willing to share my feelings, and even use “I” statements. I am also a 20 year combat vet. I can and will fight the good fight when needed. That being said, even if it is just perception, leading can be hampered and detroyed over time without the honest, direct and open support of a man’s wife. This may not be your situation, I just thought I would add a perspective.
Ha ha, I love Brad Paisley, but I hadn’t heard this one. 🙂
These are such great marriage truths!! My husband and I have sort of “grown up” together, since we started dating at 17/18, but when I look back, I see that I really had at least as much growing to do as he did! And we both have such a long way to go – but I’m so thankful we get to keep growing together.
A great little reminder! I think I need a sign on my mirror or fridge or something to remind me when he’s doing something that drives me insane that I picked him!
If only I would have read this a year sooner. “Happens for a reason” ❤️