Emotional affairs. They’re heart-wrenching for everyone.
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question, take a stab at it, and then invite you all to chime in in the comments. Today I’m going to tackle what to do if you feel drawn into an emotional affair. Here’s a woman I feel great sympathy for. She writes:
Reader Question
I am happily married to my husband. I don’t want to leave him, I’m very attracted to him. We’ve been married for [redacted] years and he has become more caring and loving than he was in the beginning. I know that he is who God wants me to be with.
The problem is, there is this man from church who I’ve developed an attraction to. I didn’t mean to, and I’ve tried to reason the feelings away. This man has never made a ‘move’ on me, or anything. My husband thinks he talks to me a little too much, so he likes me to only talk to him when he’s around and I comply. I find myself looking forward to seeing him, dressing up “for church”… It really makes me dislike myself. I’ve prayed about it a lot.
The other day I asked my husband what he would do if I died. He said that he didn’t know, that he’d miss me terribly, and that he’d get lots of help from family and the church. Then he asked me what I’d do, immediately my mind went to the man at church and how I’d want to marry him. I don’t even really know the man that well. I only know his major interests. I didn’t tell my husband that, I just said that I didn’t want to think about him dying, and I don’t want him to die, it’s the truth.
Help. I hate having these feelings. I want them to go away. I keep praying about it, and limiting talking to the man. I try to only talk to the women at church now, because he is popular with the men at the church. How to I stay emotionally faithful to my husband? I hate the thought that I may be having an emotional affair.
Wow. Okay, I know she’s not alone, so I want to give some practical help today.
I want to say something right off the bat that people may be surprised to hear:
Just because you are attracted to someone else DOES NOT mean that there is something wrong with your marriage.
Did you hear that? Let that sink in. I think we sometimes believe that attraction can only happen if we are unhappy, or lacking something. But you are not DEAD. You are simply married. And sometimes we meet someone who pushes all the right buttons.
We’re then thrown through a tailspin of bewilderment. You thought you were immune to this, because you have a great marriage. You’re in love with your husband. How could this be happening to you?
So here are some thoughts, in no particular order:
1. Temptation is Not Sin
Jesus was tempted. Feeling attracted to someone is not a sin. And it really can happen to anyone–even someone with a good marriage.
2. Temptation Does Not Mean there is Something Wrong with Your Marriage
As soon as we’re tempted, and feel attracted to someone else, we often start to look at our marriage and figure there’s something horribly wrong. There’s some unmet need, and my subconscious is trying to point it out to me.
That could be true, but from the women I’ve spoken with I’d say that’s not necessarily true at all. Your marriage very well could be fine. It may not be, of course; but being tempted does not mean that something IS wrong with your marriage.
When we are attracted to someone else, the worst thing we can do is to then assume that we are unhappy with our marriage. That makes us start to doubt our marriage even more. “I must find my husband lacking if I’m attracted to this guy.” No, that’s not true. You just may very well fit with that other guy as well.
I am not one of those “there is only one person out there in the world meant for you” kind of person. I believe that God lets us choose our spouse, and that it is then up to us to become the best spouse we can be. Perhaps it’s because my grandfather was married three times to three wonderful but very different women (they all kept dying of cancer on him). Were those last two marriages substandard because the first was the love of his life? No, I don’t think so. He was happy in all three marriages, because he decided to love those women and be the best husband he could for them.
So the fact that you are attracted to someone else is simply because there are many different people we could have potentially worked with.
Now, perhaps there is something wrong with your marriage. Hopefully this, then, will be the nudge to start addressing that problem by going to a counselor, talking to your husband about it, or doing something to change the dynamic. But it does not necessarily mean something is wrong, and assuming your marriage is on the skids is the worst thing you could do at a time like this.
3. You Are In a Battle
You are not to blame for being tempted. This does not mean there is something wrong with your marriage. However, what you do with those feelings is something for which you can be held to account.
If you start dreaming about the guy, or dressing up for the guy, or thinking about what you will say the next time you see him, you have crossed over from the temptation to the actively participating in the fantasy. You’re having an emotional affair (an affair of the mind). And that’s dangerous–even if he’s not reciprocating.
What I’m getting from this letter writer is the question, “how can I make this go away??!?” And I understand the feeling. You just want this horrible reality that you’re attracted to this guy to go away. You want these thoughts to vanish.
But the problem is that we begin to think that these thoughts, and that this attraction, is something that happens, and we have no control over it.
These thoughts come, and you can do nothing to banish them.
2 Corinthians 10:5
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Yes, you can! We have control over our thoughts. We can choose whether to entertain them or not.
We take every thought captive. We choose what to think about. If a thought enters your head that you know is wrong, replace it with something else. Pray. Sing a worship song. Make that your prompt to text something nice to your husband. Seriously, every time you think about this other guy, go text your husband and tell him something new that you love about him. Whenever you think about this man, go and hug your children. Choose to replace the thought.
Why don’t we do this? Because the thoughts are actually fun. Infatuation is fun. Gary Thomas outlines the science of this in his book Sacred Search. Infatuation is heady, and more intoxicating than a drug. But it’s not real. What’s real is deciding to love someone, day in and day out. So recognize you’re in a battle and fight! If you engage in that fight for long enough, by praying and taking every thought captive, you’ll find that your thought patterns do start to change. But don’t expect it to be easy. You have to FIGHT!
4. Don’t Convince Yourself He’d Be an Awful Husband
I think often we feel, “oh, if I saw his flaws I wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore.” I think that’s a wrong way of looking at it. You see your husband’s flaws, and you’re still attracted to him, but that’s because you have decided to love him. If you decided to love this other guy, chances are you could overlook his flaws, too.
Stopping the infatuation with the other guy does not depend on seeing him as a horrible human being; it depends on seeing your husband in the right light, and taking your thoughts captive. Don’t think about how this guy probably snores and farts in his sleep; think about how much you love your husband, and how you will remain faithful. Fight the battle, ladies!
If you left your husband for him, you would open yourself up for a world of hurt. You’d hurt your families. You’d hurt your kids. You’d hurt your husband. And you’d hurt your relationship with God.
It isn’t about whether or not he’d be better with you than with your husband; it’s that you’ve already made a vow to your husband, and to break that would have serious awful consequences. So fight! Fight FOR your marriage way more than you fight AGAINST this guy. Make your marriage a priority; not seeing this guy as an awful guy.
5. Set up Boundaries so the Attraction Does not Become a Full-Blown Emotional Affair (or worse)
Set up boundaries in your marriage. It sounds like she is already do this: she’s not talking by herself to him very much; she’s trying to keep her husband near when he’s around. She’s trying to make sure that they don’t develop a real relationship that could blossom into an emotional affair–or worse. Good decisions!
I’d encourage anyone who is tempted by an emotional affair to set up some serious boundaries and do not let yourself be put in a compromising situation. Don’t text him–even if you can think of a legitimate reason to do so. (We’re on a committee together, and I need to tell him about the next meeting. I can text him then, right?). No. Because chances are you’ll start trying to think of more “legitimate” reasons to text him. Don’t friend him on Facebook. Don’t be alone with him. If you are on a committee with him, consider leaving that committee. If you work with him, consider leaving that job. I know that not all of these actions may be possible, but what I have found is that when you put distance between the person that you think that you are emotionally attracted to, and put your energy into your husband, that attraction wanes.
6. Love Your Husband Wholeheartedly
Dedicate yourself even more to loving your husband. Make your sex life great. Flirt with him. Nurture your marriage every way you can. As you find yourself spending more and more time with your husband, you’ll likely find your attraction to the guy diminishing.
What do you think? Have you ever been in danger of an emotional affair? How did you extricate yourself? And what boundaries for marriage work best for you?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Is there some way this could be broadcast to the WORLD?!!! Put it on every front page, begin every news program with it. This is so important for people to hear, especially with facebook and spouses having their own phones and passwords for work. My husband’s affair was with a woman he worked with. He works about an hour from home and our children are involved in many activities, so we don’t really socialize with anyone he works with. I do not go on his work email or phone because it is passworded and because he has so much important work information and I would not want to accidentally disturb anything. BUT, this gave him the freedom to start an emotional affair so easily which lead to a physical affair. Funny thing is he said she resembled me and that he knows if we had met on our own, we would have been great friends. Any surprise he was able to have an affair with her instead of confronting me with the problems he felt there were in our marriage? Thankfully today is 7 months since it really ended and he and I are on the path to having a better marriage than before. But only because I have really begun to be honest with him. I came close to losing him and although I wouldn’t want to live without him, I realized I could survive by putting my trust in God and not man. I am no longer afraid to put him in a bad mood and instead hide my true feelings about things. I have started taking ownership of my feelings and when I feel that my boundaries are being overstepped I speak up, not out of hate or to blame him, but to explain to both of us why certain actions offend me and cause me to get hurt which is really the root of my anger. He says he respects me and I know he does, but I have been trying to politely explain how his actions don’t always match his words. He still hasn’t really opened up to me about anything much, but I have talked to the woman he had the affair with and he is right, when I don’t think about them together, I know we could have been good friends. Like I have told him, if he had only been open and honest with me, introduced her to me so she saw me as a real person, she and I might have become friends instead of them getting involved, and she could have been my connection to his world of work, which I am really not a part of. Maybe not, if like this woman in the reader question he could not get her out of his mind, but because this attraction led him to believe our marriage wasn’t right for him, that our problems were never going to get any better, what could have happened will never be known.
Sheila, I recommend your blog to everyone I know. You touch on subjects I think everyone needs to be thinking and talking about. Thank you for the time and effort you put into this for all of us for no charge. I know I wouldn’t have paid to subscribe to something like this, because money is always tight and I would not have felt it was something I needed to buy for myself. Oh how wrong I would have been!!! Your words have played a big part in me being able to take ownership of things I did or didn’t do that allowed our marriage to be in the position it was in when this temptation arrived and to work through my hurt so I could get to the point of forgiving him and still respect myself. You are a blessing to so many!
^^ I second all of that!
I didn’t find this article very helpful because the truth is my marriage has been made bad by my wife’s drinking problem. We lack intimacy and an emotional connection, as a result. Now a potential emotional affair is in the works, and I know I must reject it, but the reality is much harder than is portrayed in this article. My spouse rejects all pleas for help or change.
Hey, brother, I feel your pain. You are battling for your life. Improving your marriage is never a bad thing, but you cannot rely on the strength of your marriage to prevent the affair, as it says in the article. Even if you were not married, you would still need to avoid an affair with a married woman. I am not sure whether you have a faith, but my advice would be to constantly focus on God’s greatness and unconditional love for you, seek His presence and will; develop/strengthen a healthy support network, be patient with your wife, and do whatever it takes to avoid the affair. Depending on the situation it could simply be no unnecessary conversation with the other woman, or something major such as moving job and/or church to avoid her entirely. And remember, you’re not alone.
I am currently caught up in an emotional affair. this guy is in my church. He is divorced and i am not. We both feel absolutely terrible after engaging in long chats via email and texts, ( some conversations were quite sexual in nature). When we see each other usually on sundays, We can’t take our eyes off each other. There is undeniable chemistry here. I don’t want this to go to physical. We have discussed how wrong we are. Yet, we continue. I crave his conversation, compliments and sense of humor. I’ve tried ignoring his texts and emails, avoiding eye contact at church, but this makes the feelings stronger. He has told me he has tried doing the same thing. I really want to get this man out of my system. He’s like a drug, i feel like i cant go with out contact from him. I am currently seeking help from a minister outside of my church. I love my husband and would NEVER leave my family.
I would suggest you find another church. Do not allow a crack in your marriage foundation to grow. Sheila probably said that, but I am repeating it because it has really made me think about how easy it is to allow temptations to grow.
Yes, I’d agree that’s likely a good idea. The main thing to remember, though, is that the feelings do NOT magically disappear. Even if you pray a ton for them to disappear, they don’t disappear unless you ENGAGE IN THE FIGHT. Don’t just pray and wonder why God doesn’t work: actually take every thought captive. Whenever you think of him, pray instead or text your husband or do something else. Do not entertain those thoughts. If you develop a discipline of fleeing the thoughts, then you’ll find the feelings start to diminish. But the main thing is to FIGHT!
Great advice, Thanks, I am ready for the fight. I have been at my church for 20 years. I don’t want to leave my church. I’m praying that a change will come and my emotional affair person will leave. I’m so upset with myself for letting this happen.
I really want to tell my husband, but I don’t know how. Any advice?
Anne,
I can only give my perspective. The biggest setback for us wasn’t really the emotional affair. That was very difficult to take as a husband, but the worst part was having it kept secret from me after the fact, and then being lied to.
I would never presume to know how you should tell your husband. Maybe confess it to a trusted pastor or friend first, and ask them to sit down with you when you do it. It is very hard experience for both the person confessing and the one hearing it. I wish my wife would have told me the whole story, truthfully, from the beginning, however hard that would have been for both of us.
Secrets are always bad for a marriage, even if they will hurt the other person by knowing about them. Like the previous person suggested, have someone there with you (pastor, trusted family friend) when you tell him to help ease the situation some and to help you to tell him everything. Secrets always have a way of coming out, and then the bigger issue becomes that you kept it a secret. I have had many dreams of guy friends of mine, guys that I am still friends with currently. I always feel so guilty when I wake up, and of course I enjoy the dreams immensely. But I know the need for honesty, and that honesty helps keep me from letting anything become more than just dreams. And then my husband is also aware of whats going on in my head and can suggest boundaries before anything even becomes a serious problem. Honesty with your spouse is the best way to keep affairs (emotional or otherwise) from happening. Focus on how important your marriage is and tell him. It won’t be easy, but it will be a lot easier than explaining why you kept it a secret a few years from now. Or worse yet, you continue in the emotional affair and it turns physical one day. Something that would most likely be prevented by being honest with your spouse now and setting strong boundaries.
The main thing to me, when it hits you that sparks flew, is to send a red flag up to yourself. Your addiction to your feelings and attractions to another, also pulls you totally away from your spouse and your family. You will pay dearly if you do not get away, pray for God’s guidance, and remove yourself from the heartache that will come to you….
These feelings will happen if you allow them to happen. Know your limits, in a way stay a professional wife/husband and set you boundaries. You can reinforce such eye contact if you want, but don’t. It will take time, and to also know that if you are not happy in either your marriage, and/or his/her marriage, than it is a seed that will only plant unhappiness. Trust God to help you build your life without any other emotional issues that you know can hurt. Attractions are not really about love. They are about want and greed. God gives us all we want or need. We just have to work on it and not look for escapes.
You need to consider leaving your church. Even if you don’t do that, you have to cut off all contact with this man. That means removing his phone number from your phone, never calling or texting him again, and never speaking to him at church. Tell him not to contact you ever again and if he calls or texts, don’t answer and tell/show your husband. You need to tell your husband of your attraction and have him hold you accountable. Let him check your phone so that you can’t secretly contact this other man. Stay next to your husband while at church (if you stay at that church) so that you don’t have an opportunity to talk to the other man alone. Whenever you think about the other man, purposely replace the thought with a good thought about your husband and your determination to stay true to your marriage.
DO NOT PRAY FOR YOUR FEELINGS FOR THIS MAN TO BE REMOVED! Praying about your feelings gets you thinking about your feelings and thinking about the man you shouldn’t be thinking about. Praying for the feelings to go away also tends to make you think you’ve given it to God and now don’t have to do anything about yourself. It’s God’s problem now, and if He doesn’t magically take away the feelings, you think that means you can indulge in them. That is a very dangerous idea. Instead, pray for your marriage to be strong. Pray for a greater appreciation for your husband. Pray for wisdom and strength in general. Pray for your children and for the example you will set for them. But don’t spend even one moment asking God to take away feelings without you having to do anything about them.
I would say that the main thing to do is confess your situation to your husband, and seek counseling. As a husband who just found out about an emotional affair ten years after the fact, I can tell you that, in my opinion, “protecting” your spouse is not protection at all. It’s dishonesty, and it’s destructive when the truth finally comes to light.
I agree, tell your spouse.
I am a wife who has just found out about my husband’s long-term emotional affair which lasted 4 years, but I am only finding out now, 7 years after it ended. I now feel like so much of our marriage has been a lie. We had 2 children together during this time.
Just because he did not have sex with the woman or ever want or intend to (his feelings were never expressed and she was in a LTR and never showed any interest at all), does not mean I am not utterly devastated. I knew something was totally “off” in our relationship at the time: he lost desire for me in everyway except very basic sex (as in wham, bam, thank you, Ma’am).
I bet your husband can sense something is off. When a man and a woman share their lives together they can read each other like a book and quickly notice tiny changes. We may not know the cause, but we can sense a decrease in the quality of our relationship. I bet you are arguing more, or less interested in physical affection outside the bedroom, you don’t look forward to seeing each other in the evening/weekend as much as before. The signs are there, but they are
develop insidiously, and you may not realise as you are focussing on your feelings for someone outside your marriage.
If you want to know how your spouse may feel: I feel like my husband gave a piece of his heart that was meant for me to another woman. What makes it all the more painful is that he never ended it: she left her job and he never saw her again.
Warning: there may be some things about this “other” person that have attracted you that could be incredibly painful for your spouse to move on from. My husband told me he found the other woman he was in love with more beautiful than me (I was pregnant or breast-feeding for 3 of the 4 years that he was in love with other woman). Not sure how I will ever get over that one. So, in telling your spouse about the other person, think twice about how you present some of the details. I’m not saying to lie, but, for example, it would have been enough for my husband to say the attraction was physical and largely based on the other woman’s appearance.
The other thing to remember is that if you don’t tell your spouse, they will somehow eventually find out and, at that stage, you will be entirely over the whole thing and think of it as a distant memory of something really stupid that you regret doing. BUT, they will be in the midst of intense, uncontrollable pain as though it happened yesterday.
I’m involved in a long distance emotional affair with an old friend. It started innocently on Facebook at a time when my marriage was struggling. My husband found out and while the other guy and I have stopped talking periodically and continuing to try to stop its so hard. We have thought that it would have been great if we ended up together but now we are both married with kids. We love God, we love our families and we know its wrong but its so tempting and so hard.
I like the idea of praying every time I’m tempted to talk to or text him.
Wonderful and smart article.
My boyfriend kept close with a female friend who was and still is emotionally intimate with him while they were both single even though she wanted to have sex with him (he turned her down not because he wasn’t physically attracted, but because he thought she couldn’t remain faithful. Fast forward A year, and they both find partners. Fast forward another year and both are on marriage tracks. She is his hairdresser but give 1 hour hair/cut massages to her clients (a lot of men). He tells me nothing is going on sexually and that he loves me. My gut says it is more although I do believe him he won’t go all the way. I am the bad guy for suggesting they still be friends but no hour over the shirt massages once a month. What are your thoughts? ~Laura
I wouldn’t even suggest they remain friends. They should cut off contact with each other. If there is closeness and (at least on her part) a desire for sexual contact, they can’t be just friends. There’s too much attraction to stay just friends. Thus, they need to stay apart for the sake of their other relationships.
If your boyfriend won’t prioritize your relationship over his relationship with that other woman and stop interacting with her, don’t marry him. It’s that serious.
So wrong for him to get a cut and a massage?wouldn’t he love that massage from you anyways???I don’t understand what is happening with the world today,no one has respect for their spouses,no one knows their boundaries anymore!!!”no,he’s going to a barber and I’ll give you a massage afterwords dear” …………..would he be OK with you going for a haircut and having some nice sexy hunk of a man giving you a foot rub?ask him,go ahead……I think not.good luck,I’ve been through my husband having an emo affair with his female Co worker,he wanted to spend 15 hours at work with tjis woman getting drunk on the job and talking to her about their problems, I put a very uglee end to it,it’s disrespectfull……stand up my dear ,don’t take something that makes you uncomfortable and that you know just isn’t right.
My friendship with a man just jumped to this dangerous territory this weekend. No, that’s not true–I had been letting him hug me way too much for months. Even so, I kissed HIM. Then I said, ” we just cannot go here” and let him kiss me.
After a weekend filled with remorse, I am waiting for him to return my call so I can ask his forgiveness for my part in this. I am also rearranging our work so that we will only see one another when others are present.
How did I get here? I love my husband and have tried for years to builds strong marriage. Even so, he has consistently chosen work over me. It feels bad to keep suggesting doing things and being told he doesn’t have time. I try to remember that I can offer up my loving gestures “as to The Lord” but it is hard to see lonely years stretching out. I will have to keep trying.
Meredith, I’m glad that you’ve realized that what you did was wrong, and that you’re rearranging your work schedule.
One thing, though: please don’t talk to him and have him return your call so that you can ask for forgiveness. That’s just going to build more intimacy because you’ll be talking about it. There’s no need to talk about it. You don’t owe him anything. If he wants to approach you, then you can say, “no more.” But don’t call him or initiate conversation. Just change your work schedule and leave it at that.
And as for your marriage, now’s the time to really, really work at rebuilding the friendship and trying to find some common ground. It sounds like you really need it! I know it seems lonely, but sit down with him and tell him that you need more, and then try to start doing things that he enjoys with him. I really hope that helps, and wish you all the best!
A rather unhappy update:
As part of backing away from anything inappropriate with my male friend, I asked my husband to work on reconnecting with me . He says he is willing, but he is still so distant. We set a plan to go through a marriage book, but he “forgot”. I always knew that I would be able to tell if he was unfaithful because I knew it would just tear him up inside. He made an odd comment, though, that made me wonder. Now I know what’s going on–not an affair, but internet porn. I haven’t talked to him about what I know yet–I am so hurt that he replaced intimacy with me with fantasies on the computer, but I know that I filled that emotional void with an attachment to another man. I have been working on our marriage for so many years and am so tired. Last night, I wanted to get sick when he came to bed after I was pretty certain he had been watching porn (I was right, I checked his history later). It was very hard to have any sort of intimacy with him.
How do I start this conversation with him? I am so hurt that I don’t know where to start. I am guessing that this has been going on for a long, long time, and I feel like a fool. We know a mature Christian couple who I know would be willing to walk through accountability with us. I am sort of angry with the husband, though, because he is a man who seemed to have an experience where God changed his attitude about being a workaholic and harsh with his family. Even so, he would joke with my husband about his (my husband’s) out of control work schedule, rather than say, “This is causing your marriage harm!” I was already considering talking to them about my husband’s lack of time for his family and the sort of “wink, wink” attitude about being a workaholic among our circle of church friends.
For the first time in my marriage, walking away seems like a possible option. My kids are grown and I cannot imagine living the rest of my life with someone that I cannot have true intimacy with. I am not talking about a fantasy of ending up with my male friend, but just admitting the truth of my marriage seems better than living this lie.
You both need to find counseling individually and as a couple.Pornography addiction is incredibly hard to break free from. You need counseling to provide space to process your feelings. There are also resources on the web, Unintended Journey is one group.
Hi Meredith,
I am interested to see how you are feeling after finding out your husband has been using internet pornography behind your back.
CL
This is so interesting. I have been having an emotional affair for over 12 months. We are both married. I told my husband this time last year when it had first started…he was gutted. Then after a month or so it started again.
I think it’s on a natural finish. At one time we would talk several times per day. We had one “lunch” together, nothing physical. Now it’s days/weeks between the odd text, no calls or meeting.
I decided this week “enough”! My question was whether to tell that to this guy or not but I see your advice would be not to. I feel like I owe him that because despite not much contact now he says he will always love me and I am “his”. I am cringing writing this.
Hello Sabrina,
I learned something a long time ago–a person cannot “fix” something if she can’t honestly see what is going on. I also think we do things for reasons. It seems to me that your husband is doing something different, so it seems as though this other friendship is ending naturally. It seems like if your needs will not be met again, even though you love your husband, you might find yourself in this situation again. I recommend being prepared for what is bound to happen–your hubby gets busy and distracted. You seem torn up about it so I recommend not only reading Merdith’s words about avoiding emotional affairs, but also practice doing these things in your mind. Find a way to communicate to your husband your needs as well as practice, practice, practice remembering why you married him. Good luck!
You do NOT owe this other man ANYTHING. He is not your husband. You are already taken. He has absolutely no right to your time or any explanation. Cut off all communication immediately.
Thank you Laura.
I’ve tried many times but this time I feel a change in myself…more determination. I will use your advice. Thank you.
I’m having an emotional affair with an old friend from high school. We connected in Facebook, but it’s been 23 years since we’ve actually seen eachother. He says amazing things to me, things my husband hasn’t said for a very long time. He makes me feel special.
I need to find the will to fight. Right now, it’s just not there. I’m so selfish. I want to be loved for who I am. This man makes me feel that way. My husband is often critical, and I feel suffocated when we are together. I hate this. I want it to all go away. Please help me; I don’t want to hurt my family.
Sometimes we have very strong ties to old friends. I did. The Lord can break your ties to this old friend. Find a female friend you can trust who is willing to pray for the breaking of these ties.
You ARE special, even when you don’t FEEL it. Your connection to your old friend is much simpler than your connection with your husband. You haven’t seen the old friend. (DON’T see him now.) You do see your husband. Your husband may be critical. But that does not excuse your behavior.
You MUST break off your relationship with your old friend. Invest in your relationship with your husband. Is there something he’s asked you to do (that’s not hurtful to you) you could do to please him? Are there changes you know you need to make?
Start working on those. See a counselor yourself if you need help sorting through things in your life.
Whatever you do, STOP investing in the old relationship. Unfriend him. Don’t talk to him or message him. Find someone to keep you accountable to do these things. Continuing the friendship DOES HURT your family by taking you from them. END IT NOW.
Hi, I have been married for 21 years. After a couple of brief affairs I decided I was done, the grass was definitely not greener. My marriage is not perfect but I am more prayerful that God will help me improve/strengthen my marriage. I stumbled upon a former male colleague whom I worked with several years ago and we have re-established. Although he is married too, he has made it clear that his is not a happy one.
We have been communicating quite regularly via text. Red flag is this man showers me with compliments, in fact I have told him that I am fully aware that he is flattering and flirting with me. I also made it clear that I am not interested in an affair in case that is his goal. He has promised that he considers me a friend, he cherishes me as a friend and wants nothing more. Despite his marriage issues, he claims he does not condone extra marital affairs.
As mentioned above, I am not looking for that excitement outside marriage. I know I am an attractive person, I am confident and have a healthy self esteem. Therefore although I am flattered by his unending compliments, this would not justify a reason to have an affair with him.
But I am human and my concern is I am sort of attracted to him and have even gone to the extent of fantasizing what it would be like to consummate. Could be because physical intimacy within my marriage is lacking, like with many other marriages, the spark dies.
I know I can easily block communication from this man, I can delete his number, I can tell him that we should never communicate, but supposing he genuinely wants friendship and nothing more. Then again supposing he has other motives. Am just so confused.
What do I do?
Hi there! I think it’s great that you’re being convicted about this. I think if you’re starting to fantasize about him it’s best to cut off communication. There really is no reason for a man to pursue a friendship through text with a married woman, so even if he is “only” interested in friendship, that still doesn’t matter. That’s inappropriate, and you know you’re in a danger zone, and it’s best to stop it now!
I have found myself in this situation and it developed into a physical affair, but not to the point of intercourse. Emotional affairs are so dangerous. My marriage was as close to perfect as one could get before this happened and I was very close to God. Slowly it developed and I had wished I would’ve told my husband sooner, at the first signs. I knew they were there and I didn’t know what to do. My husband would have and had I been open and hi eat with him my marriage wouldve gotten stronger. But I was scared and ashamed, so I didn’t. My fear paralyzed me so that I didn’t stop him when he kissed me or told me heiced me and it became an overpowering infatuation for me. My husband discovered it and one and a half years later we are still working on healing.
I encourage you to tell your husband. The 2 shall become 1. Let him know into your deepest part of you and set boundaries together.
Shannon Etheridge has a book called Every Woman’s Battle, I highly recommend this book. Many women struggle with this and we need to be aware of the things inside of us that lead us into these situations and prevent us from shutting them down the minute the first temptation appears. God is stronger and he will see you through this. He will offer you an escape from temptation. 1 Corinthians 10-13.
How to avoid something turning into an emotional affair: One, Admit your feelings to the
Lord, even though yes , He knows your heart. Secondly, tell Him the desires of your heart in light of Biblical wisdom you are afforded. Thirdly, praise God for the prayers He is going to answer. He WILL answer even through the weakness, and when you see it happening, praise Him over and over! We don’t need to pray for wisdom in a situation like this–we have it already through His Word! Never give up pleasing God, and knowing He delights in our coming to Him for help.
I need help! I am so jealous of my husbands co-worker because he told me that he wanted to be sure he filtered their relationship through the lens of our home/his prioritized relationship with me. He did this out of an honest heart of
love and desire to protect our marriage, but I feel completely crushed. He’s never said that about anyone else, so that makes me think there must be an attraction there that he has decided that he will not allow. But, I am CRUSHED that he could ever find another woman attractive. How stupid of me, he’s only human! Yet I seriously feel so downtrodden. How do I stop obsessing about it and feeling like I have to compete now? I’m just so sad, though he did nothing but what he thought best and most honorable by telling me he wanted to be sure boundaries were well established!
It may not be an attraction on his part. It could be that this woman was showing interest in him that he wants to avoid.
Of course, even if it is attraction on his part, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive (even more attractive) or that he doesn’t love you. In fact, he prioritized you over the other woman. You won. Keep that in mind.
Also, keep in mind that attractions that aren’t fed die. Now that he’s staying away from the other woman, any attraction he may have had for her (if it existed), is likely to die naturally. Attraction is often a brief interest that fades away over time if we don’t dwell on it or make room for interaction with that person. So it’s not like you’re going to be competing with another woman in his mind forever. He’ll get over it – probably very quickly.
How should you handle it when the person you are attracted to is the spouse of your best friend?
It may be necessary to put some distance between you and your best friend – perhaps only see your friend alone, not with his/her spouse. Stay away from the person you are attracted to in order to reduce the temptation and kill the attraction.
I agree with what Lindsay says, put some space there. And if you and your friend are best friends, tell them about your attraction. By doing that, you and your friend can put limits there, and make sure that you are never alone with him/her. The best thing you can do for an attraction is to bring it to light (admit its there) and to set boundaries for the relationship with someone who will hold you accountable. And keep in mind how important your friendship is, an affair is never worth destroying a friendship over. If the person is truly your friend, they’ll understand and help you to set boundaries.
Sheila. As usual, awesome topic and candid, honest and Biblical. Love your steps, but am not clear on one thing and maybe you cant answer for me… talk to my spouse or not? I suspect this is just starting for me amd want to steer clear. Thankyou.
I’m not sure, L. I think it’s important to tell someone–maybe a friend who can hold you accountable? A lot of whether you tell your spouse or not depends on where you are in the relationship right now. I’m not one who believes that total honesty is always the policy–not if it will hurt the other person and you have accountability elsewhere. On the other hand, if your relationship can handle it, it may help to increase intimacy. So it really depends I’m afraid!
I did talk to my husband after I asked him to read this article. He’s so good to me and offered grace, but there is still pain, I know. Although I don’t believe I’ve walked down the path, I can see warning flags. We are at an amazing point in our marriage – so I was very surprised to realize this (only because of this article of yours – I am not sure I would’ve realized the danger in my thoughts and attitudes if I hadn’t read the article). I am so in awe of the way God works. He is so gracious and loving. I believe me talking to my spouse was good (I prayed beforehand) and has/will make our marriage even stronger. Thanks for your obedience to the Lord in writing TRUTH and for your ministry. A few weeks ago I bought 3 of your books – just based on the wonderful Godly content of your blog. Thank you again. I will pray for you and your ministry to continue in integrity, truth and Godliness.
I wish there was an easy fix for any of you with your emotional affairs and I am glad I’m not alone in this. I need to fight. It is So So so difficult to change my thoughts of this guy at my work. I seriously lay down at night and think about things we’ve talked about, looks he gives, possibilities with him. I’ve never met someone who is so attractive and that i can look in the eye. I’ve never been in love equally with someone. It’s been one sided everytime. He doesn’t say he likes me but he really shows it. I am in an unhappy marriage. The void is an emotional connection and intimacy. I am not comfortable with him and we have allot of water under our bridge.. His family and mine. We all ‘put up’ with each other. That’s it. It’s not true love. I walk on egg shells and am fake around them. I see them constantly. He won’t cut the apron strings. Yet won’t have a thing to do with my family. I am in a bad situation. Think about how I can leave daily. I say things to him such as I want to die just to escape. Our intimacy is very awkward. I don’t enjoy sex because of past issues. I never really was attracted to him. My self esteem is super low. I’m going to try getting my hormones right staying this month and possible depression meds if needed. The doctor knows everything. I just find myself thinking of this guy at work. I’ve only known him for two months and we have everything in common. I fell fast. He didn’t come into work one day and I freaked out and face booked him.. Where did you go!! He came back and said he was off work BC of the flu. We don’t talk outside of work. He is afraid BC I’m married and doesn’t say much to me anymore after that message. He says not to feel embarrassed. I just have to say to myself I’m at work for my family and myself. Not this guy. Change my thoughts. I just can’t stop finding myself in emotional affairs!! I’m not even looking for anything physical. I got caught up in two other emotional affairs 2 years ago that wouldn’t go away. They still haunt me. We were both married and it had to end. So.. Here’s to hoping this article helps me and maybe one of you as well.
Hi There,
thats why they call it temptation. I never had such a bad attraction ever. I am in a relationship. I too am attracted to one of my colleague. The attraction and the pull is just too much. I can say its a attraction at first sight. The day he joined office, and the day he crossed that front door, somehow my eyes stopped at him. He is 2 years younger to me. But absolutely got killer looks. i never had seen somebody so handsome and so attractive. The way he smiles and talks to me, his eyes twinkles. I wont say he too has feelings for me, rather he is like any charming guy. He does gives me a lot of attention. He asked me for movies and dinner and i did accepted and went with him in the beginning. it was completely decent kinda meetings. He doesnot flirt even, but it seem he likes my company.
I always knew it, but i was so much smitten by his charm that i always look forward to meet him in office. I do get dressed up, started working out. Oh yes, he is very fit, got a nice physic and great height. I am a bit plump, and short too. When he talks to me he comes closer, and because of our height difference he towers on me and looks deep into my eyes. At night i recall all those moment, i go across our messages over and over again, i even have started recording our calls to listen to it.
But then one day i have realized that this is it, i will become mad if it goes like dis, as if i was living two lives. So then i decided to stop it. First, i have strted avoiding him. Then it didnt worked out. Then i kept myself busy in my work, home. And stopped giving him attention. The less i saw him, the attraction goes weaker with it. He still is the same, gives me attention. But i am controlled now and enjoying the attention.
But its my little secret, and it something never failed to bring smile on my face whenever i thought of those moments. Its like an anchor to my happiness.
And thank you guys for sharing your stories. I had never told this to anybody.
XoXo
Thank you so much this article. Amazing advice!.
Sheila I will please like to find out this cause it is very important to me. If a woman marries a man she never truly loved, probably because he stuck to her when she needed him the most. Then when she eventually starts learning to love her husband, her ex and one true love gets back to her life. And his mere presence causes a blast on her emotions, would the fighting principle apply under this circumstance, where she is caught between reason vs emotions?
I am single, just graduated from school, yet to serve (NYSC),no good job yet, and am born again. After some time now I ve been so disturbed with emotions,, there is this my christian sister whom I ve develop so much interest on, cos we do see at times in d church.. She is also an old secondary friend, but we lost contact for some yrs before.. Now am so much attached to her emotionally, to d extent that I can’t get rid of her memory, even when am busy,. Something tells me, its love, d oda tells me it lust,. Am afraid cos I don’t want to hamper my relationship with God,. Cos I am not financially ready for marriage, thus having an affair with her might take a long time,, so I decided to keep my feelings all to my self, without letting her know.. Some weeks later I felt she was avoiding me, wen I asked her she said she wants to cut down her cost of expenditure, since we do talk on phone.. So I said okay,. But I observe that even wen I do d calling she is still reluctant to answer, after so much persuasion, she now told me that she has falling in love with me, and that she is scared of what this may transpire into, that’s why she is trying to avoid me.. I smiled,.. And I also told her what I ve been hiding as well, that is , my feelings, she then ask me what I want her to do now, I told her we should give ourself a try, by going into a relationship, but she was trying to refuse, bcos of these reasons,; she is a year older than me(been an african,), she is scare of hurting me or me hurting her, and she is scared of offending God in course of the relationship… And now am really confuse, cos me as well am still observing these things, is just that am so much attached to her emotionally,,,, pls advice..
I would encourage everyone to PREVENT it!! My husband and I from time to time talk about “Hey, is there anyone you are attracted to at work?” This is a difficult conversation but we have always been honest, and we have both found that bringing it up SUPER EARLY is so helpful! The earlier you confess that there is even one thought there, the less pain and the easier it is to run away. I had one conversation with a manager at my old job where I felt it was too emotionally deep. I came home that night and told my husband. My husband and I talked together about what I should do in the future, and from time to time he would ask me about the manager. I ended up not working on any more projects with him and everything was fine. Being honest early is so much less painful.
Just found out an hour ago my husband of 2 years is cheating! I found text messages confirming meeting after work and late night texts after I’m asleep. He had an emotional affair 5 months ago with someone else. Minister in training, but has no self control. Father help me!
This was very helpful thank you and God bless you…
What about us men? We often just want sex with our wives. Then, our eyes roam and the fantasies start. God forbid a glance at porn or even woman’s clothing magazine! The guidelines are similar : run, get another church /job/assignment. And of course, WORK ON THE MARRIAGE! But guys, just know our starting place is often very different.
I am going through the same thing, it is so hard. I knew a guy from school when I was in year 8 I had a major crush on him he dated the prettiest girl (not me), we also went to high school as well. I think he knew I liked him at one stage, but never took much interest. Anyway fast track to 15 years later he added me on Facebook and sent me a private message just to say hello, how are you, he mentioned I looked happy with my husband etc nothing sexual or anything. It kinda surprised me because to my memory we never really had much contact at school or spoke much to each other, so it was Abit random to have him talk to me on the private… I think because I have changed in appearance and look so different he was curious to know what I was up too and wanted to chat, anyways I had just gotten married so when he messaged, the first thing I thought was not to reply back, just incase our conversations may have lead elsewhere, so I just left it at that and never responded.
One day I was scrolling through my newsfeed and noticed he posted a pic of himself, that picture changed my whole perception of him. I don’t know why he posted it up, like that.. But He looked so damn cute, it made me get giddy feelings and butterflies for him, all over again. For some strange reason I feel like he was secretly posting that for attention, whether its true I don’t know but, he looked so good
I have not been able to stop thinking about him to this day, he is always on the back of my mind Now I wish I messaged him back. We are still friends via Facebook, he looks happily married now, i
See his photos with his family etc, I don’t say anything to him I hardly visit his page. I just try and stay right away, I’m not really that kind of a girl To chase a guy. I’m married I have a beautiful baby too, but this feeling of wanting him just won’t go away I have mixed emotions. I feel like such
An obsessed freak, I have even gone to the extreme to take nice photos on Facebook for him to check me out, I’m just downplaying everything, it’s like an unspoken vibe.. I have prayed to god read scriptures even spoken to my hubby and I still think about him… really I just want so desperately to get over this whole situation love my husband concentrate and move on in peace! any advice would be great!
Hi,
I met a guy some months back on the plane. I don’t know f I’m having an emotional affair with him, I think I’m attracted to him. We are both married, but not living with our spouses due to temporary work commitment. He s in a different country but we communicate via social media. We talk about every and anything including sex. I like him because he’s smart and has same characters as my husband. We always soak or chat at length, to the extent that we spoke from midnight to 7am once. He has said he wants me, but I told him there are boundaries that cannot be crossed. I like him, but want to keep him just as a friend. I wanted to speak to him about it today but he sent a message that he just lost his mum. I do have a very good relationship with my husband and don’t want anything to happen to my family and marriage. Do you think I should talk to him, I know it’s a no no talking to my hubby.
HI there! Run far away. You’re building up a bond with someone who isn’t your spouse, and this WILL impact your marriage for the worse. If he’s in a bad place, he needs people who know him in real life to help him. You don’t owe him that. You’re both stepping outside your marriage and it has to stop. Sorry for being blunt, but that really is the way it is.
You need to stop talking to him,I’m telling you this from my experience of me beinng the one that got hurt because my husband had an emotional affair with his CP worker,you see he just dumped me and my children a week ago just to further his emotional affair into a physical one.the mess it has created,the hurt,I font know if you have kids…….but stop being selfish and think of them,my husband did not and that’s what angers me !!!an emo affair can or in my case will lead into nothing but trouble in your marriage. You get along fine with you husband ,talk to him ,why ruin it.not worth it.I’m so broken hearted right now,I still live this man.it does not feel good,if I could tell you how it feels ,you would just stop.that man should know better too.
Thank you so much for this article.
Could you write a followup blog to this article on what to do after your husband admitted to the emotional affair. But has to continue to work side by side every day with the woman.
What happens if it’s your husband who you think is having an emotional affair and you don’t know what to do about it or what to think?
Yes! That just happened to me! We are 2 months away from our 10 year anniversary and my husband confessed to having spent time with a coworker outside of work and becoming emotionally attached to her. He isnt planning on leaving his job so they still see each other. I am so heart broken. He is 33 and she is 18! He almost left me and our 3 little ones. But he says he has made the choice to remain with his family. Im just having a hard time trusting him again that its over and doesnt spend time with her anymore.
Sheila,
Your timing on this is fantastic, thank you.
The temptation is very real. I have talked to a Christian counsellor who helped me to see that my behaviour hasn’t always been appropriate and helped me make plans to flee. We work together and this week are at the same work conference so a specific (written) promise (to myself, to God) that I will not do x, y, z, is proving very helpful to me, as well as making plans to do alternative things.
Your comment: this doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is in trouble is reassuring to me.
And your advice to take every thought captive – and do something positive whenever thoughts come, I will absolutely be doing this.
I am the one who unintentionally started it and made it worse trying to fix it. A man and I, I am certain, are having an emotional affair, or its just about to blow up into one from both sides. I am not entirely certain but I do not want to risk asking for his side of the story. He has a girlfriend and I am starting to dislike where we are heading. That’s enough for me.
I have two questions:
1. I see extreme measures being taken understandably for married or engaged men and women to stop emotional affairs, but if a marriage commitment is not involved, is the situation still as dire or can appropriate measures be taken to still save a friendship? Should I treat his relationship as a marriage (even though I do not know his relationship dynamic, and once he switched and called her a “special friend”). Which leads to my second question.
2. After we “break-up”, if in the future he gets his stuff together and is single, is he off limits because of the emotional affair we once got ourselves into in the past? Is this false hope or unwise forgiveness?
As of right now, I have gotten rid of all of my own personal means of being able to contact him. I am still deciding if I should avoid him at church, or if that is too much (like, for how long?). I also plan to work on guarding my own thoughts now because I have become annoyed with myself about how much I bring it up with God and friends. I want to move on and get My life together.
I would really appreciate some solid advice on this matter. Thank you.
You said in your post that if I find myself thinking about another man and dressing up for him, that it’s an emotional affair. Is that still the case if the other man has no clue how I feel? I’ve known this man since I was a little girl. His family and my family were close. Once I started dating my now husband, this man and my husband became best friends. I’ve been married for 11 years, and this man is STILL my husband’s best friend, but I’ve only recently developed an attraction to him. He is single. He comes to my house a lot to hang out with my husband. I’ve gone from not caring what I look like (sweats and no makeup) to trying to look good for him. Nothing obvious, just a little makeup and real clothes. But my husband noticed the change. He jokingly mentioned it. I laughed it off. I think about him all the time. Even when being intimate with my husband. I feel aweful. I don’t know if I should tell my husband. I don’t want him to end his friendship, and I definitely do not want this other man to know about this. Do you have any advice for me?
Michelle, you need to talk to someone else about this. I don’t know if it should be your husband; you need to pray about that. But you NEED to talk to someone–Confess your faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5:16). Find a girlfriend at least who can pray with you and who can hold you accountable. And then you need to start taking those thoughts captive and stop them when they happen. There’s a difference between a fleeting thought and a full-blown fantasy that you dream about. You can defeat this, but only if you really, really pray and talk to someone else. And likely, because this guy is at your house so much, you should also talk to your husband. But I don’t know–pray with a friend and really pray yourself, too!
Such a relief reading this article. Am not alone. When I open my balcony door. It’s face to face with the opposite house balcony door. Things were fine till there was a family there. But the owner of the place who moved in was a yuck looking bachelor in his 50s something. What keeps drawing me to him when I love my gud looking husband soo much was puzzling for me. That man always keeps playing romantic duets. N does all d house work. Wow soo independent n well organised. Was certainly an attraction for me. Hubby always keeps saying tat rascal has a gud romantic collection. N my husbands insecurity behaviours.. Doesn’t allow me to go on d balcony to water the plants or to put the clothes for drying..
Off late he tries look into my eyes from across our balcony. I withdraw. But there is adrenaline rush with a feel that u r being watched.. that someone’s attracted to u. Now I know after reading this article. I have been wasting alot of time thinking of having such face to face encounters. Not gud. Now that I know it’s just an emotional affair.
Thank you very much for the article that’s soo nicely illustrated. Gives me a lot of relief from d guilt I keep feeling..
But always wanted to speak to him once atleast. Now I realise tats not possible. N I shud make it not possible. By focusing on other important priorities. I have to get over this episode..
Well… I am in an emotional affair too. The man I am vulnerable to is my boss. He is married. We are both believers. He is the kindest, most gentle man I know. I am not married. He is incredibly patient with me. There is a steep learning curve with my new job. I need to keep this job. I have had very limited income in the past couple of years.
I did not recognize the signs of attraction at first. I just thought the long eye contact and smiling down to his toes at me was his way. When I interviewed with him, I thought he and I were just in sync. He is younger than I am. I don’t look my age. Then I started reacting physically to the eye contact and started limiting my time with him. When he steps into my body space, I shift my weight and step back. Then he said something sexually based and inappropriate to me and I literally jumped up and ran. He apologized and seemed deeply sorry and repentant… overwhelmed himself.
I allowed space for him to feel grace was real and there was still room at the table for repentant hearts. I waited a couple of days and tried to speak up for myself… I told him he did not have the right to speak to me that way. I thought an apology would be in order. He asked me to tell him what he had said… that he wanted me to say it. I just left quickly. When I came back to work in the morning he said he needed to talk to me about a design. He did not mention the night before. He just spoke softly and then he told me I belonged there with them on staff. He simple stepped into my body space and I relaxed. It felt like a comforting hug without touching. It felt like a humble apology. And the rift was done… we were back to fine. Sometimes it just is what it is.
We just kind of fit together emotionally. But it is a yo yo ride where it seems that we are taking turns not making eye contact. When I limit contact, it feels like my business… when he limits contact, I struggle… I can’t stand it. I end up getting angry and he comes back and the next day brings me in to sit next to him all day, working on designs together … on neutral ground until I am pieced back together without addressing the reason I was upset. He knows why I was upset. I don’t have to tell him. And then we give in and relax the boundaries to be happier and connected. We have not stepped over the boundary for touching. He is mentioning fairly often now things about his wife and his life with his family. That is helpful.
But I like who I am around this man. I laugh differently. Where I would have had a polite laugh before, I have a full rich laugh that has me doubling over with laughter. sometimes it is like snorting coke out my nose… it is fun. Being with him feels like shifting into neutral… just “being”… myself… being quietly myself.
I feel caught. He is wonderful to me. He is trying to backtrack and be faithful to his wife, I think. I don’t want to steal from her. I need this job. He is not the only person here who is kind to me. Both he and the other designer are very patient, gentle with me and affirming to me, empathising about how hard it is for me to learn the detailed programs…that they struggle too and I will get it together soon. If I have a headache, he turns the overhead lights out for me and adjusts my monitor light. Then he called me on the phone to just quietly talk and check on me. I think he just wanted the connection. My stomach did a flip flop.
But he is in my head. I have alerted people that this is happening to me so they can help me be accountable. As long as he is taking steps to protect his marriage by limiting our time together, limiting eye contact… that is helpful to me…when he stops moving into my body space… that gives some relief and I can function. This is kind of addictive. I feel like I can’t turn away from him. It feels like my “place” … and it isn’t. There are no winners here. He is vulnerable to me too. He is not a predator. He is a wonderful man. I have huge admiration for him. He is amazing at his job… he has incredible people skills. He is good to me. He is also married and has three little girls.
I have been a committed Christ follower for years. I am struggling here. I want to live from a strong moral base… but I feel helpless to break this connection… I would not know how to begin. I am accountable to others. I have told others what is happening and asked them to ask the hard questions. I don’t want to leave this job. It is almost impossible to find work in my field. But I don’t want to be hurt or hurt others. I can’t believe this is happening to me. This is not what I want for my life.
I am not an immature person emotionally or, so I thought… spiritually. I feel caught. What you said about temptation resonates with me. I am not responsible for who notice me nor am I responsible for what goes on in their heads. They are not responsible for whether I notice them either. It happens. Even the thoughts that flit through my head are not sin as long as I draw them captive. But.. he is much in my head and I have a strong physical reaction to him regardless of the no touch unspoken boundary.
It is a relief to talk about this.
Karen, Yikes! Sounds painful and dangerous. I would meet his wife and kids at the holiday party, then slowly find ways to switch onto someone else for friendship and support. Make friends with a female at your office, and seek support from her instead, in any way you can, instead of this boss. Also, try to shift how you think of him, from attractive and compatible male, to perhaps, kind younger brother. How you think of someone determines how you’ll interact with them. Start putting up the barriers, the emotional ones, brick by brick. Out of kindness, for yourSELF as well as for him. Also, since you mentioned you are single, ask God to open your heart to a man who will not hurt it. He (God) will not let you down, but you might need to end this relationship before the real thing can happen for you.
Thank you!! Sheila
Your article , helped me in identifying my problem and solution.
How do I deal with an attraction to my husband’s friend? Our marriage is far from rocks and have really come a long way intimacy wise. But I can’t shake these romantic thoughts! We have a few things in common, and became good friends through my husband. I don’t want to end a friendship just because I can’t keep my thoughts focused or lose intimacy with my husband (I have the stronger sex drive and it’s been a journey to get him “up to speed”).
I’m glad I found this article tonight. I’m attracted to a man at my son’s school, where I volunteer. Other than a quick ‘hi, bye’ or ‘have a nice day’ we’ve never really spoken, but the eye contact keeps pulling me in.
My husband is away right now, he went birding (a hobby of his) but he’s away a lot. I knew when I chose him that he would be a free spirit and need time away from family and commitments periodically;
You’re so right about how the temptation to think about the ‘other’ person is fun – an addiction of sorts that needs to be corrected. I prayed for guidance last night, after dealing with a really long day of sick kids, messy dogs and cats, chores, and more chores, and more chores…having not heard from my husband for a few days due to a lack of phone service…I just fell asleep lonely and sad and crying and wondering what to do about this attraction that I wanted to indulge in mentally, but know better than to go there.
Tonight I was finally able to speak to my husband and he picked up on it right away – so I told him that I’d been attracted to another man. He’s devastated – I’m ashamed of myself for telling him while he’s gone, over the phone, but yet emotionally I feel better – like, I’ve dispelled the power of the attraction before it becomes something more.
I know my marriage needs work, but I have my kids and life and family and husband and it’s all so good that it’s worth it to lean in here and not indulge in fantasy at the end of a long weary day. I just pray and hope that my husband can understand that my goal in being honest was to build a platform on which we can strengthen our bond, not weaken it. He’s who I was meant to be with, God put him in my path and I chose him with my whole heart. I don’t understand this temptation or why it’s here…but I know that my husband is my partner and my friend…I’m worried that by not keeping it a secret that I’ll have damaged us irreparably.
Anyway – thank you for this beautiful article. It helps me feel a little less guilty/ashamed and maybe proud of myself for owning my weakness before it becomes anything more.
That’s great that you’re fighting it!
My husband’s a birder, too, and I do a lot of that with him. I’m sorry your husband is away so much. Maybe that’s something that you could address? That may not be healthy for this period in your life. There’s nothing wrong with hobbies, but where there are full time jobs and small children, being gone a lot and leaving it all to one person can be very straining on a marriage. Maybe have a big talk and say, “how often do you think it’s reasonable for you to be gone over the course of a year?” or “what kind of relationship would you like with the kids, and how are we going to get there?” Kids just need time. They really do. And the birds will still be there when you’re an empty nester! Or you can take the kids birding with you, too.
I was blindsided by my intense feelings for a family member after meeting at a family reunion after nearly 20 years apart. We had abusive childhoods and had had a sexual experience together as young teens. When we saw each other again we held each other and wept on each other’s shoulders for an extended period of time. Since then we have remained in sporadic contact. (We go a week or so without talking.) Our connection is strong and loving and familial and filled with pain and remorse but also incredibly sexual. We want to be in each other’s lives as we truly love each other and don’t want to miss out on any more years apart as family. He respects the distance and boundaries that I have put in place as far as not seeing each other physically. He knows my husband is aware and has access to my phone etc. I have confessed my feelings to my church leaders/family and I have told my husband that I am struggling with my attraction to him. I am receiving counsel and accountability. I am trying to honor my feelings and grieve the loss of this relationship (or what it should have been, had we been protected as kids) but it is difficult to navigate. Do you think it is possible to have a relationship with him someday that is not sexual or am I just kidding myself?
Hi there!
That’s so tough, but it sounds like you’ve taken great steps–your husband knows, you have accountability, you’re being honest about it.
I don’t know the answer to that question you asked, but I also don’t think it’s important to dwell on. By looking to the future and wondering if you’ll ever have a relationship with him, you’re still holding on. Just concentrate on the relationships you do have and make them awesome. Really awesome. The better your relationship is with your husband, the better everything else will be. So don’t ask about this man. Don’t dwell on what might be. Just grow what IS now with those you love, and then things will change for the better.