Is it possible to be too nice to your children?
Yesterday I was listening to the radio and was reminded of that fact that the people with the highest self-esteem tend to be those on death row. Those who feel best about themselves are often criminals. Indeed, that’s WHY they’re criminals. They think they are the best, that they are special, and thus they don’t have to live by other people’s rules.
Our society has become completely sideswiped by the self-esteem movement. If kids are having problems, it must be because they don’t feel good enough about themselves, the argument goes. So if they’re having trouble learning their multiplication facts, let’s work on helping them feel special, rather than helping them learn that 7 * 8 = 56. (do you know the trick to remembering that? It’s just 5-6-7-8).
Schools have courses on boosting kids’ self-esteem. All over elementary schools you see posters saying, “I’m special!”. But I’m reminded of that awesome line in The Incredibles, spoken by Dash, complaining after his mother is saying that all kids are special. “That’s just another way of saying that nobody is.” And he’s right.
I once knew a single mom who had pictures of her daughter all over the house. Now I have pictures of my kids all over the house, too, but this was almost pathological. They were often set up as if they were shrines to this girl, who was definitely not special. I don’t like to be mean, but she wasn’t bright, she wasn’t athletic, she wasn’t musical, she wasn’t pretty, but most of all, she was a downright miserable and annoying child to be with, especially as she hit 10 and 11.
I’m not one who believes that everybody has to be extraordinary in some area. I think we all do have strengths, but I think character is far more important than innate giftings. Develop love and compassion and integrity and responsibility, and you will be a special person. And anyone can develop these character traits. A person who is motivated, hard-working, and kind, even if they’re not extraordinarily bright, will go further in life than a person who is brilliant but lazy, mean, and arrogant.
How we raise our kids, then, needs to take this into account. Don’t always go telling them they’re special or they will stop trying. If every tiny bit of effort they put in is amazing, then how will they ever strive for more? New York Magazine wrote an article about this a while back, looking at why kids who were bright often underperformed. Here’s what researchers found:
For the past ten years, psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia (she’s now at Stanford) studied the effect of praise on students in a dozen New York schools. Her seminal work—a series of experiments on 400 fifth-graders—paints the picture most clearly.
Dweck sent four female research assistants into New York fifth-grade classrooms. The researchers would take a single child out of the classroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles—puzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairly well. Once the child finished the test, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”
Why just a single line of praise? “We wanted to see how sensitive children were,” Dweck explained. “We had a hunch that one line might be enough to see an effect.”
Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researchers told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice, Dweck’s team explained, was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.
The most important thing you can instill in your kids is character. So praise character issues, not innate abilities. They didn’t do anything to achieve those innate abilities; the praise should come with what they then do with it.
As a homeschooling mom (I even have some homeschooling products in my store!), I know that if my kids don’t try hard, they don’t get rewarded. If they try and still can’t do it, that doesn’t matter at all to me. The important thing is the effort.
We need to be careful that we’re praising kids for what’s important. Don’t praise them for being “smart”, or they may easily stop trying. Don’t praise them for being “beautiful”, because then the emphasis in their life is misdirected. Praise them instead for being honest, for trying hard, for showing creativity, for being polite.
All of this, of course, is in moderation. I do tell my girls they’re beautiful (as does their father), because that’s important when teenage girls hit puberty. But they know that’s not their main characteristic.
The idea of praising kids just for WHO THEY ARE is nonsense and makes no sense theologically.
We are fallen creatures. Anything good in us is from God. Let’s instead praise kids for WHOSE they are and for what they’ve done about it. Tell them God loves them. Tell them God chose them for something great, and that He has a plan for their lives where they can show others His love. Praise them for acting in godly ways. And if they happen to be brilliant or gifted at something, reinforce that that gift is from God, and with the gift comes the responsibility to use it for Him.
If we all did that, our jails would likely empty out, because we wouldn’t be raising narcissists. We’d be raising good kids with an accurate opinion of their abilities. Wouldn’t that be better?
Tell me what you think! Have you been overwhelmed by the self-esteem movement at your child’s school? What do you praise in your child? I’d love to know!


Great article except I don’t think our jails would empty out. Having actually dealt with people in jails and actually dealt with mentally ill people, firstly, most people in jails are NOT narcissists. In fact most narcissists are either not criminals (eg many become CEOs etc) or quite simply the ones who are narcissists are very good at not getting caught and talking there way out of it if they do. Jails are just like churches. They are full of sinners who have made mistakes in their lives – the only difference between churches and jails is that the people in jail have been caught for their sins and committed sins that the government deems sinful, while churches are full of people not caught by the law and/or have committed sins that the government does not deem “sinful”.
I think if someone truly studied the mental health of people within churches, you’ll find a lot more narcissists in churches than in jails.
And ultimately, there are many narcissists who were quite simply born that way, and many others who became narcissists for reasons other than parental/teacher praise. It’s important to raise children properly, but sadly I doubt it will change the state of our jails. The jails will still be overflowing with people who have made stupid mistakes in life sadly.
I’m really glad you reposted this, as it made me smile! My husband and I are both recovering smart-but-lazy kids, and we had, somewhere along the way, discussed the study you describe here. For a while, we were in the habit of saying: “you are very smart (still mega important to both of us as part of our identities) and you work very hard.” We really have grown in the area of hard work, even just over the time we’ve been together. And I look forward to encouraging our children, when they come to be, in their character as well. One of the big things I have learned, having had an easy time with most academic things for a long time, is that it is actually possible to get better at things. Seriously, I’ve just figured this out over the last couple of years, which — well — is kind of pathetic. But you wouldn’t believe how freeing. I seriously hope I can help my kids believe it way sooner π
Awesome, Bethany! So glad you’re working this through with your husband. Accomplishment is actually awfully fun! π
True self-esteem is a quiet confidence in one’s own abilities and a satisfaction with one’s own person and character. What society has been pushing for the last few decades is not true self-esteem, but a dependence on one’s peers to build one’s ego.
It is impossible to build true self-esteem by perpetually telling children they are “special” or “talented” or “smart” or by giving them rewards they have not earned. However, this is precisely what we have been told we must do. And parents and teachers have dutifully spent large amounts of time in trying to build self-esteem in children by these methods. What we have produced by such tactics is a generation of people who are plagued with doubts about themselves unless they have others to constantly build them up. And when others fail to do this, they blame those people for failing to build them up rather than examining their own worthiness to be exalted. In short, we have raised a generation of incurable narcissists.
True self-esteem comes from teaching children to accomplish worthwhile tasks, letting them fail when they do not do well, and praising their effort and achievements when they succeed, not praising them for who they are. Children who actually learn valuable skills and virtues have an internal knowledge of their own abilities that does not depend on the fawning of those around them. These children will grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults rather than entitled brats.
Hi Lindsay — I see that you are criticizing a problem you see in education and child-rearing, and I definitely see where you are coming from. And even agree with you, at least generally. However, as now-adult but a part of the generation you refer to, I really want to remind you that, while my generation has problems, it is full of real people, who should not be dismissed (especially not without hope!) as a group of incurable narcissists and entitled brats. For better or worse, a lot of people have already had this education, and while the shortcomings of that education will hopefully be amended for people who are currently children, please don’t roundly toss out a whole generation because of one of its most pervasive faults. Please also see that this generation is not a waste, but also has something to offer, and most importantly, is not just a to-be-tossed away product of a faulty education, but a group of real, human souls. I realize this was likely not you intention in writing, but it really stood out to me, and seems like a worthwhile thing to point out.
I am one of the same generation. I do not toss out all of those in my generation. Obviously, not everyone in this generation (or any generation) shares the same flaws. And even those with such flaws should not be tossed out, but helped to overcome their problems. In speaking of a generation generally, I do not mean that every person in that generation is guilty of that flaw. But narcissism is a pervasive problem in a large number of the people raised under such faulty “self-esteem”-building tactics (which, unfortunately, are still being used in many places). That was my point. These tactics have produced a serious problem rather than the intended result. Hopefully, we will learn from the mistakes of the past so as not to repeat them.
I understand the point of not praising kids too much and giving praise when not earned…but I disagree with not praising kids for who they are…because I think it’s important that we all know what our strengths and weaknesses are. As parents we need to show our kids what they are. God gives each of us certain abilities and talents….so that we can use those to glorify Him. If we do not know what those strenths/abilities, talents are, then how can we use them?..so I think better advice would be to have a good balance…if the child shows a strength in a certain area, then point it out and guide them on how to improve it and yes…dare I say ‘praise’ him/her! I have 2 children….my oldest is very good at puzzles…logic..soduko…solving problems….math…so I encourage those strenths and tell him he’s doing a good job and even push more difficult things in the mix to encourage him to work hard while using his natural strengths….and my daugther, she is super creative, artistic, great at painting, singing, and reading…so I push her the same way I push my son…but in her areas of natural strengths….My husband and I also encourage them to try things outside of their comfort zones too….and when they try, we praise their efforts…regardless of the result…and when they don’t try, we let them know we are not pleased with their lack of effort…that it’s important to work hard and not be lazy…so I think it’s a balance…we are honest with our children…I think that’s the key…I do not pretend my children are good at everything they do…..and they know they are not….and that’s ok too…It’s honesty and balance….But as children start to grow and learn they first learn acceptance and esteem from the parents…as they mature they understand their own strengths and weaknesses without needing our approval all of the time….my kids know these things and they also know that my husband and I expect their best effort with everything they try…
As Lindsey explained about self-entitled brats….well, there’s a lot of those out there! But I also think that comes with parents babying their children too much and expecting too little out of them….Children not only need to be taught how to value themselves as God’s creation, but they need to know what good old-fashioned hard work is….Teach your kids how to fold clothes, do dishes, take care of pets, pull weeds, dust, sweep, mop, clean, etc….they may not like it….but they will understand the value of picking up after themselves and hard work….As much as my kids hate doing chores and housework, they get excited and proud of themselves when they’ve done something (especially when they weren’t told to do it, but out of their own thoughts and efforts) Parents need to model hard work and effort in front of their children as well….
Sorry for my rant…..but I’m kind of tired of hearing… you should do more of this, less of this, you’re going to screw your kids up mentally and they will become narcicists if you do x,y,z….come on people! It’s frustrating to keep up with society’s do and don’t list of parenting….I will pray for my kids and about my parenting abilities, and do the absolute best I can while teaching my kids God’s truth…I will do things right…I will do other things wrong…I will apologize, I will pray, and ultimately they will become who they will become with God’s guidance…Remember, despite all of our shortcomings as parents, God can overcome those failings….and He will honor our hearts and our honest efforts….
Steph–I totally agree with pointing out kids’ strengths. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear in the article. It’s just that I would always point to God in them. Things like–“God made you so good at logic! I can hardly wait to see how He’s going to use that in you as you grow,” or “I just love watching you solve puzzles. It’s so neat the way God has made your brain.” Definitely point out their giftings–that’s part of the “calling out” and “blessing” that we’re supposed to do as parents. But we need to point our kids to God, and to the purposes that He may have for him, not make kids feel that they are amazing in and of themselves, and that they don’t have to put in any effort.
I hope that’s clearer!
This is GREAT! I hear myself saying, “Good job,” over and over again and want to zip my mouth shut. It’s so meaningless! My oldest is hard on himself and a perfectionist, and when something is hard, he wants to quit. I think some of that is his personality, and some of it is that I have praised him poorly. We’re working on TRYING HIS BEST to be the most important thing. It hasn’t been an easy road for either of us, but we’re getting there.
but I think character is far more important than innate giftings. Develop love and compassion and integrity and responsibility, and you will be a special person. And anyone can develop these character traits. A person who is motivated, hard-working, and kind, even if theyβre not extraordinarily bright, will go further in life than a person who is brilliant but lazy, mean, and arrogant.
Right on! I totally agree with your point here. I think this is something the educational world has totally missed. We force all kids to think they need a 4.0 GPA at a prestigious college to be “successful”. But look at our society. We need good honest workers that have life skills and know how to raise families.
I think the problem society (particularly secular society) has is what they define as “successful”. I have met some very worldly successful people who are mean and arrogant, even some who are plain lazy (although less common with lazy ones). Everyone knows the type – the ones who will stick a knife in your back if it will help them get ahead. They often end up in prestigious careers with lots of money, but they are not successful in what we as christians know matters.
This is a long ongoing fight I’ve had with my family. I work part time as a nurse. I gave up studying to be a doctor to have my daughter and even though my friends who I began my studies with are highly paid, in prestigious careers, most of them are not happy people. I haven’t had the perfect life, but when it comes to career, I am “successful” because my career is my children and I have a wonderful daughter who has been through hell and back and is a pretty decent kid who knows she is loved.
Society has that massive pressure to get the perfect GPA (here perfect is 7.0), to earn lots of money, to have the prestigious sounding job, but you hit the nail on the head BE – true success is honesty, having good life skills and knowing how to raise your family well. I just wish society would realise that before it totally implodes.
I remember reading in a scout leader magazine that complementing excessively “cheapened” the complements and it was better to give fewer complements on significant achievements. Kids know when they have not done much and when they really have accomplished something noteworthy.
Great article. And great, respectful conversation in the comments. I really enjoy your site. π
Thanks, Dana! Glad to see you here.
This is very true! I read once that women/mothers tend to give empty praise more often than men and that is part of why children get their self esteem from what they believe their father thinks of them. Children innately know that when they scribble a coloring page mom will say “good job!” and put it on the fridge, then dad will walk by and say “what is this? why is it here.” They know that their dad will usually tell it like it is and praise a true job well done. This is one area that I try to really take a clue from my hubby’s intuition.
That NY mag article went on to become the first chapter of a book called Nurture Shock (or the book may have come first… not actually sure). Anyway, the whole book is about various things that we take for granted in raising kids that aren’t necessarily true. It was a fascinating read.
http://www.amazon.ca/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504130
I’ll have to get that! I found the article so interesting.