Does the wedding vow matter?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to deal with a difficult question: What do you do when your marriage is just rather miserable?
I’ve tried all that and it just doesn’t work!
I get it. And that’s quite understandable.
Many of you are here searching for answers. There’s something really awful in your marriage–maybe he’s gruff and often mean; maybe he has no sex drive; maybe he plays video games all the time. I’m not talking about the big sin issues, like adultery or using porn. I’m talking about the everyday stuff which can totally demoralize us and weigh us down.
You want it to change. You’ve prayed. You’ve tried these strategies. And it’s not working!
But here’s a principle we must all remember:
You can do absolutely everything right, and that does not guarantee that the other person will change.
Even if you respect him and express admiration; even if you pursue a friendship with him; even if you make love with more frequency and passion, it does not guarantee that he will become tender. It does not guarantee that he will change.
That’s why we do the right thing out of obedience to God, not to try to get someone to change.
The reason you do the right thing is because God asks you to do it. Now, it just so happens that when we do change our own attitudes and behaviours, that makes it far more likely that he will in turn change. We’ve upset the dynamic in the relationship, and he is more likely to then change his behaviour in return. This is the usual course of things. But just because it’s the USUAL course of things doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed.
And for those of you who have felt like you have tried everything–you have stopped nagging, you have learned to love unconditionally, you have learned to express admiration–you’re likely exhausted. Why hasn’t he done anything back?
I know that’s a really lonely place. You’re wondering how long you can continue in this marriage. Is it even right for anyone to ask you to keep putting up with this? How can anyone expect you to stay when he is so difficult?
And so I’d like to leave you with some things to ponder:
1. A rough patch does not always stay a rough patch.
Many people give up on marriage too easily.
In their awesome book A Case for Marriage, Maggie Waite and Linda Gallagher crunched all the numbers from all the marriage surveys that had ever been done and compiled them all in one place. And one of the most interesting studies they quoted had to do with happiness and divorce.
They surveyed several thousand couples and asked them to rate their marriages on a scale from 1 to 8, with 8 being lousy and 1 being marvelous. Then they took everyone who had rated it a 7 or 8 and followed them for five years.
What they found was that the couples who divorced during those five years were more likely to report personal unhappiness than the couples who had stayed together. So divorce did not make someone happy.
Even more interestingly, 87% of couples who stayed together now rated their marriages as happier than a 7 or 8, and 78% of those couples rated it a 1 or 2.
What that tells me is that if your marriage is in the toilet, it isn’t necessarily time to flush it.
The decision to stick it out and to try often makes things better–even if it takes years. You become less critical of the other person. You decide to care for yourself so that you are strengthened in the relationship. You decide to let some things go and forgive. And your marriage grows because of it.
There’s another dynamic I’ve seen, time and again. Men who often seem to be horrible husbands in the early years of kids, when life is busy and she feels taken for granted, do not stay that way forever. When the kids get to be teens, they become more engaged with the family. When the kids leave home, and home is less chaotic, they start cleaning and doing the grocery shopping. They become better grandfathers than they were fathers.
Have they changed? Most likely. But their wives changed, too. When the kids were little, the wives were often preoccupied and demanding, inadvertently pushing their husbands away. As that dynamic changed, and as he matured, the marriage did, too. But if a frustrated wife broke up that marriage eight years in, she’d hurt her kids and she’d never be able to reap the benefits of both of them maturing together.
Does Your Marriage Need to Change?
I’ve got the answer! An unhappy marriage doesn’t need to stay unhappy.
In 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show how your thoughts about marriage can actually be holding you back from marital happiness.
And sometimes those thoughts seem good–“I just need to be nicer and then he’ll be nice to me.”
You see, it’s not about learning to be nice. It’s about learning how to be good. It makes all the difference in the world!
2. Kids Need You Together
Kids do best with married parents. Many people say, “My kids will be hurt if they grow up in this marriage. They’d be better off not seeing us treat each other like this.” There is some truth to that when the conflict is overt, and when there is always yelling, and definitely if there is abuse.
But it’s not true if there’s just a stony silence, or if the couple just isn’t tender towards each other. Kids do better in marriages with low-level conflict than they do with divorced parents.
As a child of divorced parents, I can’t emphasize this enough. It is so difficult as a kid to live a life always being sent from house to house, and never really having a home base anymore. You become the parent, not the child. That forces you to grow up way too fast, and you’re more likely to engage in destructive behaviour young. Do not do that to your children, please.
3. God is Enough for You
When you are lonely, God will still be there. And He has promised that He will always be enough for you; that He will fill you up; that He will never leave you. He loves you. And He created marriage, and He knows how hard it can be. And so if it is difficult, cry out to Him. Lean on Him. Don’t cry out to him to change your husband; cry out to Him to feed you, to fill you, to be enough.
If you are not getting your needs met in your marriage, that’s okay. That’s when it’s time to lean on God and say, “I need to feel loved. I need to feel special.” And ask God to meet those needs. That’s when it’s okay to say, “God, I need some time to myself. I need to rejuvenate. Help me find ways to carve that into my schedule.”
If your marriage is not bringing you peace and happiness, then ask God to help you meet those needs in other ways.
But remember that marriage was NEVER supposed to replace God. He was always supposed to be your primary need. So run to Him.
4. That’s What the Vow Means
Here’s the hardest part of what I’m going to say.
The vow matters.
You vowed “for better or for worse”. You VOWED.
I know the world thinks that if you’re not happy, the marriage isn’t legitimate. That’s why many secular marriage ceremonies are leaving out vows altogether.
But if the vow meant, “we’ll stay married as long as we’re happy”, there would be no need for a vow! The vow is what will hold you together, and God asked you to make that vow. God asked you to commit, because in committing to someone for life, we’re also creating a situation where we need to lean on God. When marriage is hard, you need God more. For marriages to improve, you need to emphasize God more, and yourself less.
And marriage is the rock that keeps communities together, and churches together, and countries together. When marriages break up, everything falls apart.
I know many of you reading this are going through rough times. I know you’re sad and lonely.
But you promised. You chose this man on your own, and you vowed. Perhaps you did it out of desperation, wondering if anyone else would ever love you. Maybe you did it at a vulnerable time in your life, and you feel like it was a mistake.
But even so, you vowed. And vows matter.
At one point you loved this man enough to marry him. Can you find that in your heart again?
What I am saying applies to marriages where both parties genuinely want the marriage to work and genuinely are caring people, but they may have lost their way or fallen out of love. It does not apply in relationships where one party is narcissistic, abusive, or really only wants their own way.
If that is your marriage, then please read this post on why I’m anti-divorce but pro-remarriage, which gives a more complete picture.
5. Have you Truly Surrendered?
One last thing.
I’m glad you’re on this blog, because the principles I share I believe are true. And I believe that usually they will transform a marriage.
But there’s a danger. If you are trying to become more giving, trying to become more loving, trying to become more encouraging simply because you want to change him, it won’t work. You’re still dangling something over his head. You’re still saying, “I haven’t truly committed. I haven’t truly accepted you.”
And the real key to change in marriage is to commit, to accept, and to surrender to God. That doesn’t mean you don’t work on issues; but your attitude must be right.
I know you’re tired and worn out. I know that many of you are lonely and sad and feel like there’s nowhere to turn. But there is. God truly does understand, and He wants to be your rock.
Your marriage may never be the thing that you dreamed it would be. Perhaps you need to let go of that dream and say, “marriage was not supposed to meet all of my needs.” Maybe you need to say, “I am staying because I vowed, and I will love him, but I will need God to get me through, day by day.” And that honestly is okay.
And sometimes the change comes not because we’ve decided to be nicer, but because we’ve decided to act in a godly way, regardless, even if that means drawing boundaries. And that’s when things really start to change.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is such a powerful post Sheila, and so many need to hear this and be encouraged. 3 things you’ve said – the rough patch does not stay stay a rough patch, we do things out of obedience to God and the power of the vow – really stand out.
I’ve found, like many others, that the one-flesh journey is really a grace thing. We can’t muscle our way through. we can’t wing it or do it by ourselves. Everything that originates from God (like marriage) always needs a divine enabling.
But I think when things are bad, we often forget it’s always taken grace. We feel as though God has left the scene and left us holding the baby. But He hasn’t. He’s always present. Tough times give us the opportunity to see grace come alive in our lives and situations.
“But I think when things are bad, we often forget it’s always taken grace. We feel as though God has left the scene and left us holding the baby. But He hasn’t. He’s always present. Tough times give us the opportunity to see grace come alive in our lives and situations.”
This is so true. I have proven this over and over again. It takes God.
Vows are powerful, I made a vow to God on the behalf of my Husband, I vow to Honor him in obedient to God, sometimes it gets very hard, I find myself wanting to give up, quiting is not in CHRIST, so if I am proclaiming CHRIST in my life I can’t quit, after reading these quotes help renewed my mind, I have been ask to renew a couple and relative vows on there Anniversary Party, I was so Honored and Humble to receive the invitation, this was a set up by GOD to work in my Marriage and Home, Thank you God, Amen.
Amen! God is sovereign over even the worst marriage and has promised to work all things for our good.
Thanks, Sheila, for the encouragement to stick with it!!
Great post, Sheila! My parents fought constantly when I was growing up but they stuck it out. They are both so happy they did because they actually need each other now in their old age. They enjoy each other even and they gave us, their children, a secure upbringing. All three of their daughters, including me, have happy marriages and all 10 of their grandchildren walk in Truth.
All this is so true!! So true!! This was one of the best posts I have ever read on marriage. I blog a lot about marriage but I cannot put it so well although I have been married long enough to find all that was shared to be true. Don’t give up girls. Just don’t. It is all worth it. Jesus is worth it.
Thanks for the linkup party today. Thanks for taking the time to set it all up. I know it takes time.
You nailed it when you said, “Marriage was NEVER supposed to replace God.” When my husband’s pornography obsession landed him in jail, I learned marriage problems would drive me closer to God. I stumbled for a long time, but when I was able to keep my focus on God, rather than my husband, his sin, and all the resulting negative consequences, I learned a whole lot more about my mighty Savior than I ever could have learned in a “happy” marriage.
And in the end, my husband turned to God. I won’t say that happened because I obeyed God, but I can say I learned to trust God enough to supply the grace to obey, and that led to eventually finding joy in obeying. My obedience came much quicker in the next round of trials because I relied on God to take care of me in the midst of them, rather than me playing God in an attempt to just get them over with!
God can be glorified even in the most difficult marriage situation. He turned my marital mess into a marital success!
Thank you for encouraging wives to be faithful to God in all circumstances.
Dear Jenny,
I don’t know exactly the details of your husband’s case, but I would guess that I am standing where you once stood. Friday morning my husband will be facing sentencing in Federal court and right now I cannot say how long he will be away. It has been a hard thing, almost too big to get the mind around, and there are going to be many more hard days and weeks and year to come, but God has done an amazing work in our lives these past 13 months as we’ve walked this path together. If I hadn’t of stayed I would have missed the blessings that God has in store for us… not to mention the lessons.
The most meaningful line in the blog post, for me, was : ‘The reason you do the right thing is because God asks you to do it.’
From my perspective, the greatest thing to come out of all this mess has been finding out that my faith is real and not just a theory. In those first few days after the raid I literally had to ask myself ‘Do I believe that God’s word is true and that I can trust him in all things?’ ‘Do I believe that we are all equally in need of a saviour?’ ‘Do I believe that the Lord loves my husband, loves me and loves my children (my children were in no way harmed) more than I can comprehend, and do I believe he longs for reconciliation to himself and within our marriage?’
And those answers, of course, were ‘yes’. So if I truly believed what I professed then I could only respond with obedience, forgiveness and mercy. Otherwise I didn’t believe it at all. And I want to say right now, for anyone that is reading this, that He has never, ever, done anything less than bless that decision. I’ve also been blessed to experience the peace the passes understanding. Joy when I should be in shambles (though there are still plenty of times when I look to the waves and fall apart). I’ve learned to genuinely care about the lost and about the outcasts because for the first time in my life I know what its like to bleed for someone and to long for other believers to show them the love of Christ and to help bring them home, because that person matters to God and to me!
Not that we are in any way near the end of the path. My husband has come a long in his trek towards freedom, but there are still areas that need a transformation. He’s a believer, of that I have no doubt, but a great deal of his piety has been achieved in his own power, and not as an extension of his love for Christ. That’s caused a lot of problems and set him up for this endless cycle of defeat and self-loathing and severe frustration with God. I wish I could make that change from head to heart for him, or that there was some switch to flip and make it so, but all I can do is be patient.
To a lesser degree I’ve had to experience a shift in that area myself, though not so much that my faith was all stuck in my head but just that it tended to be sedentary. This whole thing has been such an evolutionary process where my prayers have changed from ‘For the sake of my children please don’t allow him to be sent away’ to ‘Please give me the strength to endure whatever comes’ to ‘Lord set us on whatever path brings my husband to you.” Apparently God knew I needed 13 months to align my attitude, but I’m glad I’ve been able to ease into this adjustment with my husband still working and by my side so I can handle all the other mess to come with more grace and peace than I would have been capable of a year ago.
So if you think of it please pray for us Friday morning (9 am central) that our family my find peace in all circumstances and that the Lord give the judge wisdom to do whatever is right.
I love this post! I have sent it on to some of my girlfriends who I know will enjoy it/need it too! I love that you said “That’s why we do the right thing out of obedience to God, not to try to get someone to change.” That is so powerful! We can do everything right and people still may not change- thats why we do it for God!! Great reminder! Thank you!
Well. Well. Well. If this post doesn’t confirm everything that I have been believing in regard to my difficult trials as well as the advice I share with friends who are faving a rough patch in there marriage. Your so right. “We do the right thing because it pleases God”. Not to get our mates to change. Amen. Amen. Amen. We draw close to God and keep our vows to him and he will keep is through the rough times. Great blog.
Me and my husband were talking divorce, I started going to church and living my life for God but I said I would stay in my marriage but I don’t have to like him . I did eventually started praying that God would change him. But things did not start to really change until I started praying that God would change my heart and then everything started falling into place , we are even renewing our wedding vows in a couple of months! Thanks for encouraging blogs like this!!!
What a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope the vow renewal is beautiful!
Thank you for sharing this. It’s always good to have these points brought to the forefront of our minds. One question, though. What is the point that would be considered abuse? How do you know when it’s crossed that line? And, what do you do when you find it has crossed that line? Or, what to do when you think it has crossed but not all the time? Where do you go for help w/ that??
Some years back, we definitely would have rated our marriage as lousy, and today it would get a big thumbs-up. Things do change. Some of it was individual changing, some relationship changing, and some circumstances changing–all from God, I believe.
Your advice is brilliant, Sheila! A beautiful post.
Thank you for driving this point home again! It was that post you did on children and divorce to which you referred in this post that kept me from going thru divorce procedings against my husband and father of our 9 year old son. I had a biblical reason for filing for divorce(he committed adultery) but decided not to after reading that post. We are still working on things…it hasn’t been two years since I discovered his affair but through the grace of God, we’re getting through this trial. So thank you!
Wow, Kelly, that’s amazing to know that I had that much of an influence on you. Thank you for that! I pray that your marriage will continue to strengthen and improve.
Thank you for your prayers! It wasnt an easy choice to make. I know people(family included) think I made to wrong choice by sticking it out for the sake of our son. I even had to go so far as to unfriend a former colleague on Facebook because she kept CONSTANTLY PUTTING ME DOWN for deciding to stay. My mantra is, I might not agree with the decision a friend has made but I will support them because they are my friend !
I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I am sorry too that the former colleague was harassing you. I agree that I would support a friend even if I didn’t agree with their decision. I personally went through the one I thought I loved and knew cheating on me too. I stayed for three years and eventually divorced, because he was not truly interested in ever being faithful. I think this kind of thing is why people are so cynical about staying with a cheater. However, some people do decide to truly repent and be faithful. I wish you and anyone in this situation the best.
Thanks! Very well put. Something that just came to me too which I have found very helpful in many inter-personal relationships… There are 3 Greek words for our English word “love” which are all used at different times in the Bible. The first is I think “Eros” which described lustful or erotic “love”. The second is “Phileo” which describes emotional, affectionate “love”. The third is “Agape”. This is love as an action. A behavioural choice. In places (such as 1Corinthians 13) the KJV translates it “charity”. It is this kind of love that God displays to us – the love that sent His Son to die for us. It is this love that God requires us to have towards others, including our spouses.
Sometimes the feelings just aren’t there and the romance is non-existent. But we are still to act in love for the other’s good – and as you said – as part of our service to the God who has already done the same for us.
I always thought marriage was for life and I could not imagine ever wanting to leave my wife. Our marriage gets better with time. When I got married I took my vows seriously. Strangely though it was the promise I gave to my mother-in-law as we left on our honeymoon which sticks in my mind. I said “I’ll look after her”. Though my dear m-i-l is long since dead I could never consider breaking my promise to her.
Hey Sheila,
Always when I read your posts I get something out of it. Big or small it is all great. One thing I would like to point out is I am the person in our marriage who has strayed away from our marriage, I am the one who has been irresponsible. I sometimes feel like I’m on my very own personal island with all these amazing Christian woman who have these husbands that mess up one way or another and they are looking for encouragement and wisdom. I am the woman who has hurt her husband and it has been quite a while now but our marriage has been in the valley for 18 plus years. God is forever faithful. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. Unless the light is a train coming at me. I do know without a seconds hesitation God will restore us to a relationship better than the best days we have ever had. The waiting can be difficult, painful, frustrating and character building. My point being men & women read your posts lets not assume it is the man doing the messing up. Please, please, please all of you well meaning folks don’t share the “how to fix-its” I just wanted to point out there are probably men out there who say “why are we mostly on the receiving end of the screw up. There are many great Godly men who are holding it together and hoping for better days.
Thanks Sheila for your heart for the hurting and the broken, you are a light shining unto the path of the Lord.
Gratefully reading,
Bette
Bette, I know you are NOT alone reading this blog. In fact, that’s a great idea for a post! Thank you for reaching out, and I’ll try to write for people in your situation soon!
Thanks for this post Sheila. My brother told me a couple of days ago that his wife wants a divorce, she’s fallen out of love with him. As you’ve mentioned here, her commitment isn’t there, which is so sad for both of them. My philosophy is that I didn’t get married to get divorced. So we’re going to figure out a way to make it work. And so far that philosophy has helped my husband and I get through some really really hard times.
Thank you for your blog. I learn so much from it every day and I firmly believe it’s also helped me keep my marriage strong!
There are times that I will sit down to read your blog and feel like you have written a personal letter to me. I’ve been behind on reading, and I just sat down to catch up, and here it is. The exact words I needed to hear. I am in that lonely place. I do feel as though there is not a soul on this earth that can even see how I truly am feeling. I admit, I do my very best to hide it.
I know the things you’ve written are true. I know them all in my head, but my heart can’t wrap around some of it. I know that God is enough. I pray often that he fills that need for me to feel loved in this heartache. I pray often to be able to physically feel His arms wrapped around me and holding me through it, but I don’t feel that. I know it sounds stupid and selfish, but I just need to feel that physical safety net…literally. So what do I do here?
I am holding true to my vows. I want a fabulous marriage. I do have hope that my marriage will be restored and renewed, and I know the God is enough to get me through it, but how in the world can I make myself feel that that is true? Any thoughts?
Hi Beth,
That’s so hard. I’ve been in a very dark place, too, though it wasn’t about marriage. It was when walking through my son’s illness. And like you, I just needed to feel God’s arms.
I can’t explain it, except that looking back, I felt at my lowest place that God was carrying me. I really did feel Him.
I think it’s okay to be upset, and to cry, and to yell at God. I think it’s okay to be honest before Him. He knows what you’re thinking anyway. And the more genuine and authentic we can be, the more He shows up. You don’t have to pretend to have it all together for Him.
I do pray that you will feel Him carry you, because He does care, and He does want your marriage restored, too.
Blessings,
Sheila.
I absolutely adore this post. Even though my husband and I got married very young (he was 18, I was 20), we vowed that divorce was not an option. We both came from single parent homes and quite frankly, we wanted more for our family. As Dave Ramsey puts it, we wanted to rewrite our family history.
That said, a very good friend of mine (a spiritual mother, if you will) who has been married 43 years told me that there were times (YEARS, even) that her marriage was not very good. In fact, she admits that there were times when her and her husband didn’t particularly like each other. However, their marriage has matured and it’s so much richer for it. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have had rough patches, but I can say – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that our marriage is more mature and even richer than it was 16 years ago.
I have been needing to read this for a few yrs!! I have been married going on 13 yrs now,half of it has not been Ideal! I have struggled with the idea to leave. Always when it is at the worst I have a friend or someone or something reminding me to stay! I did make a vow,for better or worse till death do us part! Not for better or when ever you get addicted to porn or we stop being intamate. I would not say my husband is mean,but we just have been in a strange place for several yrs now. we are not intamate,and seem to be more like friends or room mates. He also has addiction to porn.
During this time I have leaned more on God. not saying it is always easy,but I have learned things about myself and just have gotten stronger and more secure with myself. Some days are good(not great,but good) and some days are horrible and I want to leave. But I know that God wants me to stay. I hope and pray that in time our marriage will be stronger and healthier,and I know that by doing the right thing I will be blessed!
Your story sounds so similar to mine, Laura, except my husband doesn’t have an addiction to porn. I know the helplessness you feel. The numbness and anger. I used to get so angry that this is my ONE life, and now I have to live it in a way that is less than best. We were virgins when we got married, and I felt angry for so long that I have no sex life now, and this is it. My husband is sick, and is in pain all the time. We’ve been married almost 13 years and half of it, the last 6 years, no intimacy.
Is there someone, an older woman whom you know loves God, whom you can talk to? In Titus it speaks about older women guiding younger women, in their marriages and sex lives. (Maybe that’s Sheila’s calling? – she seems to be doing it for me, although I suspect she’s not much older than me!!!!) I have found a woman almost 20 years older than me, who is available to help and pray anytime. I text her almost every day. She’s become a little bit of a security to me, and I think for a season it’s not a bad thing, I go for a week sometimes where I don’t text or see her. That’s when I am strong. She has shown me that all the enemy wants to do is destroy my marriage. He loves that I am angry and depressed and lonely. She prays for me, counsels me, comforts me, and stands with me, when most of my regular friends have gotten tired of my story. She understands and doesn’t judge my husband, which is so comforting to me.
My husband and I have begun to recreate intimacy, slowly. Her coaching and encouragement again. I have texted her after midnight sometimes with details of what we have done, successful intimacy! YIKES! Because it’s something so personal(my husband has erectile dysfunction as a result of his medication) my friends don’t know, I have to protect him, so I can’t talk about it – even though I want to shout it from the rooftops! But I can with her, I trust her and she has created a place where I can say ANYTHING. Nothing shocks or embarrasses her!
These issues are seldom dealt with in our churches and communities, esp when it comes to women’s concerns. I find the men get help with their sexual ‘issues’ far more frequently than women, and so I’ve had to look for help.
It would be helpful if there was a person you could go to? Someone who always points you towards God, holds you up in prayer, and is available and honest? And someone who will pray for your husband too?
I wish you all the best, and for a change in your circumstances. We have had a change, and are intimate again, 2 months now, and there is huge healing happening in us both. There is light at the end of the tunnel…
It seems so unfair that I have to change. It seems unjust that my changes go unnoticed.
Why do I have to be the one to always let it go? When do I get what I want? And how is it that all this doesn’t matter and I continue to go on. I don’t know. But I am not alone. I am the bride of Christ. He LOVES me and will grant me grace. And that is all there is at the end. I promised to love, honor and obey, and God help me, I will.
A lot of it for me IS being obedient to God. We’re still going through a trying season in our marriage. Even this morning in a moment of frustration, I had to tell God that I’m weary of being the glue that keeps this family together, and I’m so beyond frustrated — even angry — with my husband today. To the point of wanting to throw in the towel because really, enough is enough already! And in crying out to my Abba, all he said was, “Rachael, I am enough for you today. I am your strength, and I’m the one that will keep carrying you through this.” I’m so thankful for the mighty women that God has placed in my life to strengthen and encourage me just for times such as these.
This is where my husband and I are right now. By popular standards, we should have divorced years ago. Satan has done his fair share of damage to us, but we’re still together. We don’t pretend our marriage is perfect to our daughters. We want them to see that we’re worth fighting for and believe me, they’ve noticed. We minister to many people and we never claim that marriage is easy. Do we like each other – I’m not sure we do. However, we do love, care for and respect each other and above all else, we honor the covenant that we stood in front of our families and declared in God’s name.
We’ve been married for 23 years with two teen daughters. We dated 11 years prior to that. I know this man and he knows me. We look to God and through Him, we always find each other.
Another outstanding article which is just for me! My husband has a condition which means he’s in pain. ALL.THE.TIME. I cannot imagine what that’s like, but I do know that living with someone who is sick ALL.THE.TIME. is incredibly draining, and completely misunderstood by friends and family. It is an incredibly lonely place to be, no one understands and no one relates. We are excluded from so much, and I’ve felt like we’ve become recluses. I told him I want a divorce in 2013 and we went through Imago marriage counseling. It helped a little but not enough, as I was back in that dark place again this year, probably because we thought the therapist would help us, and we didn’t change…
What has helped has been to realize that this pain/condition is not going anywhere. But for a miracle, it’s here to stay. There isn’t a cure and until both he and I, as a couple, and as individuals, adjust the way we see our life/lives and our future, and actually ACCEPT this is now part of our life, we will continue to struggle. In a way maybe we have to embrace the condition, and formulate new dreams and plans for our marriage and future? Maybe then we will find it in ourselves to love one another better, and find a new hope for our future, maybe we need to stop being angry at God for what this has done to my husband, our marriage and our family?
Thank you again, Sheila, for helping me see a different perspective, and for reminding me that I made a promise before God to love and honor, in sickness and in health. I made that promise, and now I need to follow through. Lightbulb moment.
My husband and I married very quickly after we met; 8 months. We were going to a church at that time that was pushing for all the single people to get married NOW. I was also severely wounded from a three-year relationship where I was sleeping with my college bf. Then I took a break from dating for about a year and then, I met my now husband.
As I write this, we have been married 6 years and I feel that we are two individual Christians that happen to be married. My husband pushes for us to do activities that he enjoys, mostly wants to go tent camping for vacations, and he spends most of his time outside of work absorbed in his individual hobbies/working on proj with his brother, etc.
He is a great provider and he is faithful but he doesn’t cherish me. He did not protect me after his parents verbally abused me all week during their stay with us. He is emotionally withdrawn and never says he is proud of me or that he finds me attractive.
I feel like each year slowly drags by and I feel as if I am in prison, biding my time like a good Christian wife. But, I cannot see how our amazing, sovereign, merciful God created marriage to be a game of watching the ticks on a clock.
I live across the country from my family, close friends, and world where I grew up. I am desperate to return home one day and he refuses to move us.
I am so stressed and unhappy that I have been taking medication for the past year. He blames me being a female (hormones, etc). He always suggests that I go on a run. He never wants to talk, go to counseling, or read books together.
Four days after we were married I knew I had made a terrible mistake and every few months those feelings come up to the surface, only for me to repress them, pray for wisdom and persevere. What then?
It is God’s commandment for men to love their wives but how do you live with a man that only tolerates you? And does not show you the way in which you need be loved? Even though you try so hard to show him the love he needs? I cannot imagine that this is the picture of a Godly marriage.
Thanks for writing this, Sheila. I teared up at this reminder. I made a vow. And when I “love” my husband in order to manipulate him to change, I’m not truly loving him. I am thankful for your ministry.
You’re so welcome, Megan! Glad I could be an encouragement to you today.
I needed this today. I actually was thinking about going out to look for an apartment to move out. Neither of us really likes each other right now, and I feel like I’m the only one wanting to work on the marriage. We’re in the stage of three very little kids, and my husband wants me to start homeschooling but doesn’t want to he involved with it. I feel overwhelmed and judged every action; if I ask for his help with the kids so I can get things done when he’s home or ask him to do something like replace some caulking in the shower he says it makes him feel like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. Sometimes he even says he’s not sure he loves me anymore. I’m just so tired of it all. I want out, but more than that I just want to feel loved. I need time by myself with God, but there’s ALWAYS kids around.
I actually felt the exact same way towards my wife as you do at about the same time. The solution lies in giving the relationship a ‘reset’. Have some private conversations together once the kids are asleep, and not just about your home and relationship. Also, are you two going out anymore like you were when you were dating? The fire may have gone out and the relationship has become boring, but these are some ways to rekindle it a little bit.
Also, it is exactly the point of the article above that it’s times like these when the marriage vows are supposed to make the difference between what an unmarried couple would do in these circumstances of just breaking off their multi-year long-term relationship because they consider it dead (like you want to do), and what the two of you should be doing by re-starting your relationship instead.
I so needed to read this this evening. Can I just say I’m thankful for Pinterest at times like this, when I am looking for some encouragement. My marriage is struggling right now and I often feel unloved and worthless and like I’m the only one who cares about it. But you know what, that’s ok, because God can work with that. I really needed the reminder and encouragement to remember my vows as they are a commitment to God and to my husband. I need to place my focus and my trust completely on God and allow Him to meet those deep needs that aren’t being met right now. I’ve seen Him at work in my marriage in the past and I know deep down He’s still working now. I also know that I would be able to see what He’s doing a lot clearer if I was spending time with Him daily as I should be. Thank you for this post and for reminding me to get focused on God and surrendering myself to Him and leaving my marriage securely in His hands.
This post was very deep and something I need to ready… I will not give up on my marriage I took my vows and they matter…like u said a rough patch won’t always be a rough … So I’m going to lean on God and let him guide me .with out him nothing is possible…
Thank you so much for writing this! It’s exactly what I needed to hear. 9 years in and I haven’t surrendered it to the Lord. I’ve always held onto hope that I would be loved in return, by meeting his needs/wants exactly how he longs for them to be met, and I am miserable for it. Thank you for the reminder to ask the Lord to help me feel special, to nourish, & love me the way I long to be.
This gives me hope going into 2016
Sheila, I commend you for having the guts to write this. I’ll go even further: some marriages are inevitably destined to become what most would consider non-marriages. Sometimes, the spouses are simply wired in such a way that they cannot be open with anyone at all, so there’s no way they can be truly intimate, physically or emotionally, with each other. Sure, there are all kinds of websites that tell you how to build intimacy with your spouse, but the real reality is that some married couples would find such a process too risky to attempt, there being a high probability of complete emotional breakdown.
You’ll now ask “Why would this kind of man and woman get married at all?” For some, relatively positive superficiality is better than nothing, and the inconvenient truth is that this is the best they can do in their lives.
I have 28 years of firsthand experience with this.
But we read in Psalm 15:1 and 4b as follows:
“Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
Who may live on your holy mountain?
The one …….. who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
and does not change their mind…..”
God kept His oath to redeem fallen humanity even though it meant that He, in the Person of Jesus, would have to endure the literal hell of paying for all of man’s sins. That’s what helps me keep my own oath.
Just reading this and my marriage recently scaled through a rough time. Infact I asked my husband for a divorce but we decided to talk and it turns out we had held on to serious hurts and while I was definitely wronged (he betrayed my secrets to his family) it wasn’t completely unforgivable. We are working through the issues now and I can say we are better than we were a few months back. The vow really matters because it has held us together.
You’ve talked about abuse. I understand, leave if it’s physical. What about financial, emotional, etc?
Last week I had asked my spouse about something. They nodded their head and I didn’t see it (it also was quite warm). I asked again and was snapped at. Told it was my problem that I didn’t see them slightly nod their head.
A couple days ago my spouse playfully teased I wasn’t their keeper. That hurt especially since I’m a stay at home parent and most of the housework falls on me. Where’s the fine line between spouse and personal responsibility of an adult? Then my spouse will do the sweetest thing and catch me off guard.
I sometimes wonder if they’re a narcissist. My spouse is the only offspring of their parents. And the only child where my spouse’s parents worked at. The owners were childless. Thanks for ideas
I have been married for 13 1/2 years. I recently found out my husband has been cheating on me. I had to find out from the woman. He still denies it even though she gave me proof. Is there any reason i should stay with this man? The bible says i can divorce him because he committed adultery. Is this true?