It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Well, to be honest, I talk marriage most days, but Wednesdays I ALWAYS do, and I offer a linky at the bottom where you can link up your marriage posts, too.
Men and women are different. We think differently; we relate differently; we want different things.
And with Father’s Day coming up, I thought it would be a good time to re-evaluate how perhaps, just perhaps, their perspective has a point.
I just love this video! I cracked up so hard watching it water came out my nose. Check it out:
Have sympathy for that guy? I do!
And I often have sympathy for guys around Father’s Day, too. Father’s Day is a tough time to be a guy, because at church the sermons tend to be, “Why aren’t you men stepping up the plate?” On Mother’s Day women tend to get roses. On Father’s Day men tend to get yelled at.
There’s also a lot of pressure on men to get the right thing for women on Mother’s Day. But there’s not quite the same pressure on women to get their men something. We’re not the ones who have to be romantic, after all; he’s the one who needs to worry about getting the right present.
Maybe it’s time to turn that on its head!
I’m grateful to have a husband who is not like me. I’m glad he’s a man. I’m glad he’s a great dad, even–or perhaps especially–if he doesn’t parent the same way I do. I’m grateful that he supports me, and encourages me, and loves me. And I think I owe HIM just as much romance as he owes ME.
So, ladies, let’s put some serious effort into Father’s Day this year! Don’t just get him a tie or a Starbucks gift card; get him something he’ll love. Get him tickets for a football game and go with him. Get him some fishing gear. Encourage a hobby. Encourage him in being a man.
But what most men want from their wives, more than any gift, is to know that they are deeply WANTED. Men don’t just want to be loved, and appreciated, and admired. They want to be wanted.
(I know some men suffer from low libido; in about 30% of marriages that’s a big problem, and I’ve written about that here. But in most marriages still the husband wants sex far more than the wife does. So if you have the opposite problem, reading that series may help!)
If you’re reading this blog, it’s likely because you want to make your marriage better. You want to experience that deep love, and deep intimacy, and great fun that a marriage can bring. And you can’t have a great marriage unless you also have a great sex life. I haven’t seen a great marriage where the sex is not also at least good (unless health concerns are a major factor). Sex is how most men feel like men.
Unfortunately, we don’t always connect with sex. Sometimes instead of being a blessing in our relationships it becomes a source of tension. Or it simply gets boring, and kind of rare.
That’s why I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex–to help you connect! I know many of you have already purchased it, but the vast majority of you haven’t. And so I want to talk about it a little bit more today.
Here’s what you get:
- The first few days are devoted to seeing sex in a positive way, and talking through your baggage and insecurities.
- Then we spend a few days on building emotional intimacy (your friendship),
- a few days on building physical intimacy (the fireworks, making sex feel wonderful!),
- a few days on spiritual intimacy (the oneness), and
- a few days putting habits in place so that you can keep the momentum going once you’re done.
This series takes you step by step in the process of building a fun and intimate sex life. It doesn’t only focus on the mechanics of sex–though there certainly are posts that will help you in that department. It also focuses on building friendship, experiencing real intimacy, and learning to have fun again.
Any two bodies can work together sexually. When we have problems in the bedroom, it’s often not because of our bodies. It’s usually because we aren’t communicating well, or we feel distant from each other, or we’re just nervous. The big benefit of this 31 days is that you’ll actually TALK and communicate about this important part of your life. Talking about it is difficult to do, but the prompts and the posts make it much easier. That’s often when breakthroughs happen!
Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)
Buy it on Kindle
Buy on Nook
How does it work?
Each day has a topic, like “Embracing the Skin She’s In”, “Hitting the Reset Button on your Sex Life”, or “How Do You Decide Your Sexual Boundaries?” There’s a short write-up you read together–about 1-3 pages–and then there’s a challenge for you to do, often containing some conversation prompts. And yes–there’s plenty in there about how to make sex feel great, too.
I get a lot of women writing to me saying,
My husband HATES to read books. Will he read this?
The thing is, it’s not like a regular book. You don’t have to sit down and read 30 pages and then discuss it. Each night you’re really only reading 1-3 pages. That’s it. Then there’s another page for the challenges. The reading is not time consuming, and it isn’t intimidating.
Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)
Buy it on Kindle
Buy on Nook
Make His Father’s Day Great!
I’ve just uploaded some Father’s Day Coupons that you can print out and give to him to announce that you’ve bought the book. Just put a coupon in an envelope scented with perfume and sealed with a lipstick kiss, and he’ll be tickled pink himself.
When you buy the book, there’s a link inside to the coupons which you can download for free off of my website.
How Does an E-Book Work?
An ebook can be read on any device–a computer, an iPod, a phone, a tablet, an iPad–even an ereader! If you don’t have a particular e-reader (like a Kindle or a Nook or a Kobo), just buy the .pdf version from me. You’ll receive a link so you can download the book onto your computer or device, or you can even print it out if you’d like (it’s around 100 pages).
If you do have a specific ereader, you may prefer to buy it formatted for that reader. In that case,
Buy it on Kindle
Buy on Nook
Buy it on Kobo
Want to learn more about how to read an ebook? This post can help!
Ask men what they want for Father’s Day, and a great sex life would be top of the list! Connect with him like never before. It will be a gift not just for him, but for both of you. And if you’ve already purchased the book, maybe you can plan a wonderful evening for the two of you again. And give him a note in the morning to tell him what you’ve got planned.
Now for all of us: let’s decide to make Father’s Day great! Put in some real effort, and let’s speak his language and show him how much he means to us.
What advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post of your own in the linky below! Just put the URL of the post (not your blog) there. And be sure to share this link on your blog, so that people can come here and read all these great posts.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you Sheila for hosting each week, and your WONDERFUL blog! I quote you all the time and I hope you get a big of traffic from Auntie Em’s. Have a wonderful week and I pray blessings outpoured on you!
Thanks Shiela! Hope my wife catches this article before the weekend :p You hit the nail on the head with one point. When giving a gift, it’s a lot of fun when your wife involves herself in something you (as a man) enjoy. Not only will the husband enjoy the gift, but he’ll feel like his spouse really understands him from a perspective of passion. That’s a big deal. Connecting on passion or enthusiasm really takes the relationship up a notch. 🙂
It’s not father’s day here until september, but do you recommend buying a fathers day gift for a guy who never buys gifts for you? My husband didn’t even wish me happy mothers day, let alone buy me a card. And he wouldn’t dream of buying me a gift.
It’s not even mother’s day. Today was my birthday and hubby didn’t even give me a card. It’s not like he was stuck for ideas. I’ve been telling him for the last month something cheap and small that I really wanted. I’d have been happy with anything. It’s the first birthday I’ve had since we were married. He does have aspergers but that’s why I was direct and clear about what I wanted. He didn’t forget, he just didn’t bother.
And since the topic of sex is up, I explained to him several times throughout the day that it’s traditional to give your spouse sex on their birthday (or at least amonst the people I know). So it hurt unbelievably that when we got home, he just went to bed without a word, not even goodnight. We’ve been going to counselling and it’s come up repeatedly why it’s wrong and not acceptable way to treat your spouse, to just sneak off, leave me with our hyperactive daughter to put to bed alone.
And yet here we are. I need 12 hours sleep at the moment because of my health problems, its 11:30pm, my daughter is still awake and won’t go to bed and I have a job interview to be up for in 8 hours. And it’s my birthday. yay for birthday. No one in my family called. Other than a text from my mother in law and a birthday card from my grandmother in law, all I got was my daughter throwing horrible tantrums and my husband forgetting I exist.
I don’t know, I’m just tired of going out of my way to get him thoughtful gifts even though he is an incredibly hard person to buy anything for, and he can’t even wish me happy birthday or have sex even though it’s already been only once in two weeks.
It’s true. Father’s Day gets second billing … and since school has ended in most of the US, only the most focused elementary teachers sent home any handmade artwork for Dad’s special day. Mothers get all the glory on that front!
I see quotes Internet-wide stating something to the effect, “It’s Father’s Day … no different from every other day,” in that Dad’s get to rule the remote, make the decisions and often determine the direction of every day. Does that mean they don’t get any special recognition or extra attention?
Just as I like to receive for Mother’s Day, my kids (ages 12 and 14) will make cards for their dad (prompted by me … they don’t notice the calendar unless it’s birthday or Christmas time) and we will take my husband to dinner at the restaurant of his choice. I have a small sentimental gift underway, and he will have a good day, different from the rest.
That’s all a man really needs … something a bit different. Go big if you can, but just different is good, too.
To be fair, I think most of us fathers need a kick in the pants. So many of us aren’t stepping up and leading out households like we should be. And I, for one, appreciate a kick in the right direction more than a rose (I’m allergic).
Jay Dee,
I found your post to be the same as those sunday morning worship father’s day sermon’s. I’m thankful for a wife that celebrates that I’m a man…but it’s not a common thing these days and to be honest your post is a little hurtful. It’s hard to lead when leading is not acceptable or celebrated, and that is the situation most men find themselves in. It’s a tired line I’ve heard a lot in the christian marriage blogs…that men are the problem and the worse sinners. Yes, I’ve had very well known marriage bloggers say that in those exact same words….many more between the lines. It’s not what the bible says and it’s not what is visible with the eye either. The Bible tells us that we are all sinners and we all need a kick in the pants…but it’s good to celebrate those fathers and husbands who are putting in the effort, love and time. I’m not trying to be mean, but posts and the thought mentatlity you share in your comment are the exact reason why men aren’t doing a better job.
Sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. Are you saying that being told to grow is stopping men from growing? I mean no disrespect, but that sounds like the definition of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or the attitude of my children at bed time.
I think you may have inferred an attitude in my post which I did not imply, not do I have. Nowhere did I say that men are the only problem. It is rare I see an issue in marriage where both spouses don’t have a lot to contribute to the misery, but I cannot control my wife, I can only seek to control myself and grow myself. I can lead my wife, but there is no guarantee she will follow, only the Holy Spirit can convict. And so, I will take any advice/kick in the pants/prompting of the Holy Spirit or others that will give me a push in the right direction. What else can I do?
Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Robert’s inference is 100% fair. Even Sheila in her post addressed what Fathers’ Day is like at 1000s of churches. When you counter with “most of us fathers need a kick in the pants”, you mock what fathers do in and for their families in suggesting that they should get that kick instead of something nice (roses are not a nice gift for a man, anyway). It is really really really easy to come up with shortcomings of men. They get hammered at us by what Christian and secular culture has become.
So…nothing to celebrate, just kick him in the pants? Naaaahhhh, I’ll pass. I got enough of that manufactured junk over the years.
Let me tell you a story. My exwife (yep, you read that) went through all this with me. I never measured up. There was always someone new who had the best way to live the Christian life. I resented the counselors we saw in an effort to save the marriage. 5 years ago was probably the final straw for us. Because our 15 year old son was going off the rails, I had stated at some point that I was going to take him out in the back yard and have it out with him. Man, did that raise hackles all over heaven (actually, I think there was some cheering in heaven) and earth. After him punching me, threatening me and his mother with death, using a razor blade to cut me, then stealing thousands of dollars from us, I had it. In an altercation, he elbowed me in the face and I lost it on him. We fought, fist to face for several minutes in the front yard before he ran and was picked up by the police. He was sent for psychiatric observation by judge’s order. He entered the hospital with a black eye his dad gave him and I ended up having to deal with the judgement of a 20 something female social worker. Oh, not only the social worker but my then wife. THAT killed the marriage.
Then, two years later, his GF is pregnant. Abortion is the first thing on their minds. He is living solely with me and I hand an ultimatum. Get real counsel or there will be unspecified consequences. Baby is born, adopted out openly and I even see her a couple times a year. Through this all, son and GF are still together. Son has been successful in establishing responsibility. Last year at Fathers’ Day, I get a card from son expressing his appreciation for helping him become the man that he is now. Tried to find the exact quote, couldn’t.
You know what? I’ll take that over my even-if-it-weren’t-ex wife’s assessment any day.
By virtue of declaring that we need kicks in the pants and not declaring that we need celebrating *on Fathers’ Day*, you undermine the very thing you try to encourage. Do you not think those “step up/man up” sermons are not heard by the whole congregration?
Well, you came out swinging, so doesn’t seem like you want to pull any punches, so here you are:
1) Frankly, it’s my opinion and I’m not going to apologize for having it.
2) Robert and I have been emailing off and on since that post, and I think we’ve come to understand each others perspectives better. I’m more than willing to do the same with you.
3) I’m sorry you had a rough time. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to want a kick in the pants to become a better father.
4) I think you have some anger issues against women and are taking them out on me because it’s more socially acceptable for a man to attack another man rather than a room full of women. (Proverbs 29:22a).
5) I’m glad they are heard by the entire congregation. I think we men need to be held accountable. I also think the women do, and the leadership, and the church at large, and the children. Guess what, we all need a kick in the pants, and if that offends you, go read Proverbs 19:20, and then continue on with the rest of the Bible, because we aren’t perfect yet, and we should all take whatever help we can in growing.
6) Happy Father’s day. I’m very glad your son finally understands, though I disagree with your assessment that anyone in heaven was happy about fisticuffs as a means of enlightenment…(Proverbs 20:3)
P.S. I would have used a book other than Proverbs, but they just sort of popped to mind.
You can stand by it, it’s your privilege. I on the other had have no problem with one day out of 365, one Sunday out of 52, being used to actually prop men up a bit. I wouldn’t attend a church that did not approach it the same way.
Prov 19 is chock full of some notable thoughts.
Thanks so much for providing the linkup today!! Have a wonderful day!!
Amen!! I love my masculine man. Thanks for writing this!
Our chruch gives fathers jerky on father’s day. That would be the other thing men want!
Really? I don’t actually like jerky…
That’s awesome, Paul. 🙂
That video is AWESOME!
Hi Sheila:
I absolutely love that video too. Great minds think alike. 🙂 I have that video as my blog post as well. It’s so typical of married couples, even us Christians!
One thing that I believe is missing in this idea is the concept of Love Languages. What if the ‘man of the house’ does not see a gift as a form of love? Just forcing that notion onto him because society says ‘What does he want for Father’s Day?’ may not be what means the most to him. I could care less if I receive some token or gift. I know that sounds cold. My LL’s are service and physical touch, so doing something for me (my kids and wife) or going out of your comfort zone sexually (my wife) to make my day would be perfect.
We all are individuals. Pushing the concept of cookie cutter solutions might not be the way to go. Truly give a ‘gift’ that will touch him in the most loving way. (Sorry if that came across like a rant.)
Oops I just bought a Starbucks Card for my husband this morning! But I did also buy a worship CD that I know he will like, so that made me feel a bit better 🙂
Lol poor the fella in the video i laugh so hard i cried lolllllllllllllllllll off course it’s the nail lol