Are you married to a ‘drama king’–a man who gets super defensive if you ever bring up anything about the marriage?
Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s one from a woman married to a “drama king”:
My husband and I have a wonderful, loving marriage but have one major issue that we just can’t seem to fix. Anytime that my husband and I get into a disagreement my husband over reacts, even if it’s over something simple. First he becomes defensive, then he’ll put the blame on me, next he becomes irate, he then will threaten to kill himself (it used to be that I would immediately end the argument when he would do this but now I just tell him to knock it off). After going through all of this are we able to address the issue but by that time we are both so emotionally exhausted that we don’t even want to deal with the issue at hand. It’s so frustrating. For once I wish we could just talk about a problem with out all of the drama! Sometimes I just don’t even want to tell him how I feel about something because I just don’t want to go through his routine. But the problem with that is that nothing gets fixed if we don’t talk about our problems. How do I deal with his “drama king” ways so that we can have healthy arguments and actually get somewhere with our problems?
Great question! The “drama king”–or “drama queen”–usually exhibits the same types of behaviours that people with a fear of conflict show. They try to deflect the blame everywhere they can, and when that doesn’t work, they grow very passive aggressive, in this case threatening suicide.
The drama king or drama queen often takes this approach:
“I’m such a bad husband. How could you even love me?” Or “I’m a terrible wife. I’ll never, ever be good enough. I’m just a failure at everything.”
It deflects blame, too, because now instead of talking about the issue you end up reassuring your spouse that they’re not a failure, when the issue WASN’T that they were a failure in the first place. It was just that they were doing one thing that you wanted to talk about.
I don’t have time to write a long post on this one, because I’ve got a ton of errands to run today, but here are some quick thoughts:
1. The Root of a “Drama King” Problem is a Fear of Rejection
I actually understand this dynamic really well, because in many ways I AM that husband (I just don’t threaten suicide). This is the biggest problem in our marriage; I have a hard time just listening to Keith when he has a simple problem he wants solved.
So let me try to spell out what the husband is doing here at each stage, because I get it. I grew up with a lot of rejection issues and they became marriage insecurities. It’s been hard for me to learn to react helpfully during disagreements.
Why does the drama king deflect blame? Why tell her she has no right to feel that way?
Because if he can convince her that she’s wrong to have those feelings then she’ll realize that she has no reason to be angry and she won’t leave.
Now, obviously that’s not logical; the best way to deal with a problem is to DEAL with it, not dismiss it, but that is likely the core of what is going on.
Then he becomes angry to see if he can get her to stop going on about it that way.
The despondency is often a very real feeling; what he’s reacting to is a fear that she will leave, and he does feel like a failure. But he also knows that this is a powerful weapon, and so he uses it. The key to all of this, though, is often that fear that she will leave, or stop loving him.
Note: Sometimes this becomes so counterproductive that it’s actually very manipulative and rooted in narcissism. He uses manipulation as an offensive weapon, rather than primarily a defensive one. In other words, he’s trying to control you, not just trying to protect himself. If that’s the case for you, I’d read this post about emotionally destructive marriages.
2. Talk About How to Solve Problems Before They Hit
When no one is angry about anything, sit down and say, “what’s going to be our game plan to solve problems? How should we talk about them?” And let your spouse have some input. Ask him, “what’s a good way of expressing that I’m upset about something without making you feel like a failure?”
3. Start Conversations About Problems with Reassurances
When you do have an issue you need to bring up, sit him down, and start with five things he does really well and reiterate that you totally love him and won’t leave him.
That’s hard to do when you’re mad, but it can stop the domino effect which is often caused by him being insecure. Deal with the insecurity first, before the other stuff, and you may find your husband won’t adopt the “drama king” persona.
4. Use Something Tangible to Reassure a Drama King
Write down what your issue is and put it on a piece of paper. It could be something simple, like, “I feel as if you don’t take my parenting concerns seriously about Johnny’s behavior”, or something. Then write on a few other pieces of paper, “I know you love me.” “I love you.” “I love how you’re romantic.”
And say to him, “all of these things are true at the same time.”
Have him write down some truths as well–some about difficulties and some about things that are going well. That helps you keep perspective.
5. Sit Beside Each Other
Here’s another tangible, practical thing you can do: sit on the same side of the couch with those issues that you wrote down in front of you, rather than between you. Now you’re going to deal with that issue together, you’re not going to let it come between you.
Those are just really quick ideas to handle the actual disagreement better. I’d also say, you’d likely really benefit from sitting down with a counselor and mentor couple and work out where the insecurity comes from, if he’s willing. And absolutely keep spending time together and working on your friendship so you feel part of a team.
Here are some other thoughts on resolving conflict that I’ve written before:
Being a PeaceMAKER Rather than a PeaceKEEPER
Final thoughts: if you can push through this, you will find your marriage closer than ever. When Keith pushed through all my barriers and all the weapons that I tried to use against him, he showed me that he loved me no matter what–even if I were a drama queen. And it was difficult, but I grew stronger, and he grew stronger, and we grew stronger together. And now, with God’s help, I’m better able to stop that “drama queen” cycle.
What about you? Are you a drama queen? Or are you married to a drama king? What solutions have you found to this cycle?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sadly my husband is very much the drama king. Can’t raise anything with him without him throwing a huge tantrum and then being swallowed by his self pity.
Tried all of the above, nothing works. He will not talk about issues where he feels remotely like he is somehow being blamed. Even when he is not being blamed. Even worse when it’s something serious and he is to blame.
My father is much the same. You can say to him “they sky is blue today” and he’ll head into a rant for ten minutes about how it’s not his fault the sky is blue, he didn’t make it that way, he doesn’t control the weather. When he’s in a bad mood, even making pleasant small talk with him, he’ll twist it into being some kind of attack.
And my husband is very much like my father. Except where my father gets physically aggressive towards others (in addition to his verbal aggressiveness), my husband gets physically aggressive towards himself and objects (smashing things and hurting himself).
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells at times. We have been seeing a counsellor about it, but it hasn’t changed things as he classicly downplays it and makes me out to be the bad guy, pretending I’m constantly critical when the honest truth is I’m not.
I love my husband but he suffers from terrible low self esteem and sees personal attacks where there are none (eg the example of my father before and taking small talk about the weather as being an attack, my husband pretty much does the same). He has such low self esteem, he thinks people are criticizing him, even when they are being either completely neutral or even when they are complimenting him.
It’s very hard to deal with. Especially on the rare occasions where there is something negative that can’t be just ignored. I try to just ignore everything except the most serious problems, but when there is a serious, he can’t handle it. I’ve approached it doing every single every counsellor has suggested (using “I” statements, couching things in the best positive light, starting and ending with reassurances and compliments, picking times when he seems unstressed etc), but nothing works except for me suffering in silence and that is what is becoming more and more common as I am too sick and exhausted to handle his meltdowns.
Wow! I could have written this letter. Not all the same details, but the same issue nonetheless. My husband had severe self esteem issues stemming from a dysfunctional childhood. After years of walking on eggshells and guarding every word, I came to realize that this was HIS issue and there was nothing I could do to make any significant changes in this area of our marriage. I was always dumbfounded how every conversation turned into him being the victim. I would sit there speechless thinking, “How the h*** did he just do that?!?” I could praise him inside out and backwards and forwards, choose the timing of bringing up certain issues (which I did, and which helped a bit) but still the fact remained that he had some deep issues that needed to be addressed by someone much more highly qualified than myself. I *strongly* encouraged my husband to seek therapy, which he did, and which he found great help from. I also encouraged him to see a medical doctor to explore the possibility that he was clinically depressed, which he was/is. Medication has helped tremendously. We can now have a logical grown up conversation that he doesn’t feel the need to twist into him being a victim of the world. We can work through issues like real adults. He still struggles with wanting to go into victim mode at times, but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. And honestly, if we had extra money at our disposal, we’d probably further benefit from couples counselling at this point. I do firmly believe though that the first order of business (in our case) was for my husband to get help.
*hugs* it’s not easy is it. And you can’t even get mad at them because depression is an illness. I just wish my husband would choose to go see someone. He admits he has depression but doesn’t think it’s currently serious enough to act on
How did you convince him to do either of those? Mine swears there is no way he is going to a counselor or being drugged. We are currently seperated due to his outrageous outburst. I have threated to end the marriage if he doesn’t get help. I can’t take any more verbal abuse or missed holidays.
I’m so sorry, Shauna. I hope you have a support group around you as you try to rebuild. That’s so hard! But sometimes seeing his family fall apart is just the wake up call someone needs. You can’t force him to change; it really is his choice. But you sound like you’re building good boundaries, and protecting yourself, and that’s good.
I am currently in a situation where my husband, who can be genuinely loving and kind and so gracious, becomes irate at things which I wouldn’t think twice about. He became furious on New Years because I wasn’t phrasing a sentence the way he liked. He kept talking about it until I re phrased the sentence the way he liked. He can also be verbally abusive and his attacks are very personal. I have stopped sharing things with him as much because he uses them against me at a later date. I have spoken to someone in the know and as he had a very bad and dysfunctional childhood, she thinks that this has contributed to his behaviour. He is a lovely man but if this gets worse it will have to be addressed. I want to help him because his childhood was not his fault.
I hate to say it but it seems it could be a sign of early onset alzheimer’s or dementia. It’s like he isn’t really wanting to hurt you but some of that bad pst may have surfaced and you, being closest are the one who will get the brunt of it. Hopefully though it’s JUST the past working its way out into his daily life and you will be able to get a handle on it before it goes too far.
Wishing you the best of luck. And sending Prayers.
Sincerely,
B. Lawson Svaricek
Wow, um….ok. Yeah, I think y’all need to go and see a marriage counselor. I would insist upon it.
Your husband needs some serious help IMO. This would be a deal breaker for me. If he refuses, you need
to reach out to family, friends that can help him realize he needs professional help.Does he threaten suicide
EVERY time you have a conflict??
Suicide is about mental health. Please get help for your loved one.
Threatening suicide isn’t always about mental health. My first husband used to do it all the time. For him, it was about control and power and manipulation. It wasn’t until more than a year after we separated that I realised that all his threats were about abusing me and that he would never attempt suicide.
I should probably clarify – making threats of suicide doesn’t always means the person is mentally ill – sometimes it can just mean they are mentally disturbed which is something very different from mental illness.
It comes down to whether the man is making the threats because he feels depressed/anxious and is feeling rejected, or simply because he wants to manipulate his wife into dropping an issue. The former is an unconscious action, the latter is a deliberate conscious action.
For more than a decade, I believed my first husband’s threats to kill himself were genuine and it was only long after we split did I realise all the times I tried to get him help didn’t work because he wasn’t genuine. It was just a way to make people feel sorry for him and manipulate them into doing what he wanted. He did it on his sister til she saw through it, he did it to me, and he does it to other women now.
Sheila, thank you so much for clarifying the root cause as a fear of rejection; it makes so much sense. This question is very apropos since my hubby and I had it out today (over me waking him up from a nap, which “ruined the whole day”). We’ve been married for 5 years, and I’ve recently come to understand (after so many of the same old fights) that he has rejection issues with his father. And to complicate things, his first wife left him, so I can definitely see the connection. I like your idea to sit down with him during a non-confrontational time to ask how to go about solving problems. Thank you for also pointing out that it’s not the other spouse’s fault. Every time I want to talk about an issue, I end up apologizing and feeling manipulated for it. I do firmly believe in apologizing for something, even if it is only one percent my fault. A fault is a fault, no matter how small. Tonight I apologized for waking him, but was firm in not being guilted into apologizing for my own hurt feelings, which he didn’t take well, but now I better understand the reason why he does that, and know how better to pray for him and our marriage.
I had this thought today, that when the Enemy tempts you to fight with your spouse or hold onto your anger at them, he isn’t waging war on your soul so much as he is waging war on your children’s souls. Someone once told me that God made marriage for children, and I didn’t quite understand it until I had children of my own.
Thank you for the advise and God bless.
Great point, Sheila! With this article, I can’t help but realize how blessed and happy I am that my husband is not this kind of person and I feel sad and sorry to some wives dealing with husbands like this. My prayer goes with them. I am not saying I have a perfect husband but our imperfection makes our marriage worth it.. I totally agree with all your list in this article and I love # 3 and #5 so much! 🙂
I was the one who wrote this letter to Sheila and I just want to clear something up. My husband is awesome, extremely godly, and we have the best marriage out of anyone I know. This is honestly the only problem we have. Also, he doesn’t act this way all of the time (although he used to). It seems he does it more when he’s feeling really insecure. Plus he learned this behavior from his parents so he thinks it’s acceptable (I’ve never met anyone as dramatic as my in-laws. I used to think it was humorous to listen to them argue but now I just find it disturbing). He also learned pretty quickly that if he threatened suicide with his parents that they would drop the argument real quick like and take the blame for everything. I used to drop the argument too but now I just tell him to knock it off. He’s not serious about killing himself and he has been doing it less and less because he realizes that it just doesn’t work on me anymore. I’ve tried to talk to him into going to therapy but he refuses so this is just something that we have to deal with on our own. He has gotten a lot better over the past couple of years and I think it’s because we are both very pro-active in keeping conflict out of our marriage. But obviously conflict does happen from time to time.
I never really thought about it before buy husband’s problem is a fear of rejection. He was rejected all of his life by his mother. And I think that whenever I bring up something he does that bothers me, he just sees it as me rejecting him. I think that having this understanding and realizing that I need to praise him while we are discussing an issue can really help. Thanks so much Sheila!
It’s really hard when someone threatens suicide. We’re always told by campaigns to take it seriously. It’s very hard to say to a person “hey, I know you’re not serious”. It’s something I wish I’d done with my first husband sooner.
Thankfully the threatening suicide isn’t something my second husband does, but instead he starts going on about how much he sucks, what a loser he is, etc… and it’s the same thing. It’s a learned response to get us to drop an issue which isn’t a healthy way to deal with conflict. Unlike your hubby, I don’t know where it comes from because my parents in law are the most calm passive people.
But my (current) husband is a good man, and it definitely stems from that fear of rejection which comes from his depression.
Keep trying to convince him to go to therapy. Either together or alone. My husband isn’t keen on individual counselling, but he has been open to (limited) couple therapy and I think it’s finally starting to help (after initially making things worse).
Even great men have their faults, and it’s our jobs as wives to help them work through those faults and help them became the best Godly men they can be, just as it is their job to do the same for us. Just finding the way to do it in the most loving and supportive way is the key.
Uh, lots and lots of therapy for the husband. He has issues you are not remotely qualified to address.
Good luck.
Wow. This post resonates because I’ve been on both sides of this. Sheila, you definitely hit it right on with your analysis.
Rejection is a huge part of this! A side issue is a tremendous fear of conflict [which means more rejection & shame]. As one who has faced much abuse & rejection, I have had to work thru many unhealthy ways of dealing with the pain of conflict -the shame, the feelings of rejection, etc. I have grown to the place where I now know that avoiding conflict is disastrous for relationships & that true intimacy is birthed through healthy, authentic communication that, at times, will result in conflict due to our woundedness, the other person’s woundedness,etc.
I loved how you wrote of Keith winning your trust & heart thru his persistent, faithful working thru things & remaining. This is SO what a wounded person needs. The thought life of one who has been betrayed & rejected deeply, is not like that of those who haven’t. You either turn it outward at others, blaming them or turn it inward, blaming self for others actions & living in the closest thing to hell on earth. It goes so very deep. Healing begins with learning to truly trust God & His steadfast love & then continues as someone with skin on demonstrates that stubborn, faithful love, that is strong enough to both speak truth in love, & to continue loving doggedly & compassionately.
Believe me when I say that when the rejection goes deep enough or continually happens that suicide does seem a viable option-especially during conflict or a new wound occurs. The pain is so strong that a desperate need for relief from the intensity arises & the enemy speaks despair & suicide. Imagine how it feels to be rejected by those who should naturally love you -a mother, father, spouse, child. Imagine seeing others who have not given the love & devotion you have being loved by their parents, spouse, children… & how you infer that somehow you must be the cause -that you are defective, unlovable, ruin all you touch… and when there is conflict, those messages of defectiveness, unlovableness, etc. hit & you feel like you’ve done it again, shame & despair & fear wash over you & it all seems so hopeless & marred & unredeemable.
Another aspect is the fact that there is a negative adrenalin rush that is similar to a drug induced high. The body gets used to & enjoys that rush of cortisol & when conflict happens it overtakes the person who has become, in a sense, addicted to that rush. The person feels swept along, unable to stand against the raging torrent of despair. A lie, but if believed, will be given way to.
Two resources that have helped me on my journey to healing are a book called “ScreamFree Marriage” by Hal Runkel. In it he explains that screaming takes many forms -that even passive aggressive forms are actually screaming [reactivity]. All screaming, regardless of form taken, injures & hinders relationship. He then explains that each of us is responsible for ourselves -to learn to calm ourselves, to grow up & relate authentically & to move toward, not away from, the other person. It was an eye opener for me & helped me move out of the helpless victim thinking that I learned in a very painful childhood & 1st marriage. Here’s a link to the book on Amazon & to Hal’s website: http://www.amazon.com/ScreamFree-Marriage-Calming-Growing-Getting/dp/0767932773 http://www.screamfree.com/site/PageServer?pagename=201006_Marriage
Perhaps you could check it out in book or CD form from your local library & listen to it or read it together & discuss it.
The other resource is Dr Caroline Leaf’s 21 Day Toxic Thought Detox. She is a Christian neuroscientist whose work is fascinating. You can find many videos of her on the web. She has an online program that walks you thru with videos & assignments identifying toxic thoughts & replacing them with truth. It has been life changing for me. http://21daybraindetox.com/ Perhaps, your hubby would be willing to work thru it. HTH!
I can tell you from experience, there is something from his past that is making him react that way. It’s not about you, it’s about something that happened to him, maybe when he was a child, that triggers this cascade of emotion when you have a disagreement. My advice is to find a good counselor, stat.
I have found it helpful in our marriage to step outside of the argument and “coach” him through his defensiveness. Sometimes my just identifying that he is feeling defensive and he doesn’t need to has been enough to diffuse a situation.
I’m looking at this from a different perspective (although I’m not discounting anything that has previously been said). The problems could be much deeper. Again, this could be far-reaching, but I’m just putting this out there for consideration. As I was reading the reader’s letter, the only thing that popped into my head was if the husband had a neurological disorder like Asperger’s. Please don’t scoff. My daughter was recently diagnosed and the more my husband and I learn, the more we don’t wonder if he, too, is afflicted with the disorder.
Of course, we all know that this reader’s husband could have any number of issues from control to depression. I’d urge her to seek out counseling – if for no other reason than for her and her husband to learn to “fight fair”.
Iva that may very well be possible. My husband has a tendency to do the above, and it is because of a combination of aspergers and depression. An aspie who hasn’t really good early intervention as a child often does develop depression and low self esteem – when you’re social awkward and know you’re not quite like most people, it can lead people to feeling so down that it becomes clinical depression. Also, the aspergers can lead to socially inappropriate ways of letting out fear and anger (such as threatening suicide or hurting themself).
Or the guy could just be a jerk.
I’ve had two husbands like this – the first was a very controlling abusive person who also suffered from depression and low self esteem and borderline personality disorder, and his threats to kill himself were self pity and a way to get me to drop serious issues that needed discussion. And my second husband is a wonderful loving man who also happens to have asperger and some low self esteem and depression because of his depression.
Sometimes it’s not even possible to know which it is until the wife stops and asks for help – that is why I totally agree with you on the counselling. No matter what the underlying cause is, counselling will also help to fix the problem.
Whoever wrote this original question needs to know that the husband’s behavior is not normal. A man may lose it and become angry, but he will not threaten to harm others or himself. He may have had a stroke or have mental health issues to threaten anyone with death, especially himself. If he has always done this, my question is, “Why wait so long to reach out?” She and her husband need professional counseling, at this point. She should lovingly look into this before it is too late. He is needing some help that she is not qualified to give. If this behavior is newer, something may have happened to him. He may need a physical and mental evaluation for everyone’s safety around him. So sorry to hear that anyone has gone through this.
From someone who experienced a family member who did this later in life, trust me, it is a huge cry for help subconsciously. It gets worse not better. And denial of how bad it is helps no one. It can be very dangerous to allow this person to stay in this state…
I appreciate Sheila Gregoire’s advice and insight… I just feel that this sounds too familiar and a professional needs to physically meet with this couple…
-concerned
I dealt with this for years with my ex husband. I realized it was a form of abuse and manipulation!
I refused to let him control me like that and put a stop to it. All of these women need to realize that they need to protect themselves and if they have any, THEIR CHILDREN in this scenario. If he was to threaten this and even accidentally hurt himself or others, they could be held legally responsible. There are laws in some states that hold you responsible if you know or have reason to believe someone could hurt themselves or someone else and don’t report it. You will see much more of this come up after recent tragedies here in the US. Where I used to live we had a Mental Hygiene Warrant, this allows you to have your spouse or child evaluated for a 24 hour hold in a psych ward. After my ex’s 24 hour visit, I never heard “I’ll kill myself” come out of his mouth again. It was tough love but I was tired of being manipulated, at that point, I finally felt important enough to say “enough”. I would suggest to check with an attorney and the hospital to see what your rights and responsibilities are.