What do you do if your husband is not a spiritual leader?
Every Monday I like to take a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today a woman writes: Help! My husband is not a spiritual leader:
I’m at a loss. I love my husband. He is a good man, father and provider. But he is NOT a spiritual leader at all. We’ve been married for 5 years. I’ve prayed the entire time that he would step up. He goes to church with us and brings up something in the Bible maybe twice a year. He has been trained to know scripture very well though. I’ve tried to talk to him about it (he always goes on the defense and then declares himself a failure). I’ve tried nudging him in the right direction. I’ve tried leaving it alone and just praying. I don’t feel right taking his place in leading our family (kids). I sometimes don’t even want to grow in my walk because I don’t want to be the “stronger” Christian. I’m worn and I’m broken. I feel as though I can’t continue looking past this and pushing forward. What else is there to do?
Let me tell you a story of a family I know before I start to answer this. The dad is a very outdoorsy type of guy. He works in an office, which just about kills him, where he makes a good amount of money to support the family. Every chance he gets, though, he goes out in a canoe or a kayak. He takes the kids with him. His wife rarely goes.
The kids are in activities in church, and he volunteers to be there for the active ones (the kids’ club sports, for instance). He’s at church every Sunday in a suit, looking sharp. He greets people. He hosts Superbowl parties. His wife often looks miserable. She talks a lot about how he never prays or leads the family spiritually.
However, I wonder if her idea of a spiritual leader and his idea of a spiritual leader are just two very different things. He is an involved dad. He does make sure his kids are at church. And his way of experiencing God is in the outdoors; it isn’t in sitting around the table at night and reading a passage of Scripture and discussing it.
I think when we picture “spiritual leader”, we’re picturing a father who calls the family together for a time that we are now going to deem “our family devotions”. But many men prefer to just live out their faith on a daily basis, in the things that they do. It isn’t necessarily wrong. It’s just different.
In this case, his wife is putting up a huge wall in their marriage, because he is starting to feel like he can never be good enough for her. She doesn’t like the kind of things that he loves, and the things that his kids now love. And so she increasingly feels like her family is “wrong”. But perhaps if she went out on the lake more with the family, she’d see things a little differently.
So here are a few thoughts on how to encourage your husband to be a spiritual leader:
1. Get Rid of Your Image of “Spiritual Leader”
I think we have heard too much from radio programs like Focus on the Family or from pastors up at the front of the church about the importance of spiritual leaders, and giving the example of a man who leads family devotions after dinner or who gathers the family to pray.
I am not saying this is wrong; I think it’s wonderful. But I think it’s set up this expectation that a spiritual leader is someone who does those particular things. And I don’t believe that is true.
People all relate to God in different ways. Some will read their Bible for 45 minutes a day and pray for 30, with multiple journals and coloring pencils on hand. I have a male friend who’s a trucker, and he doesn’t read his Bible that much. But he spends his days listening to the teaching programs on the Christian radio stations as he drives.
I have other friends who like to hike in the woods and talk to God, or men who like to get their hands dirty and go and help out the people in the congregation who need to move, or need their oil changed. Not everyone is a “sit down and read your Bible and pray an in-depth prayer” kind of Christian. And I really do think that’s okay.
Don’t get me wrong; I think Scripture is very important. But let’s not assume that our own particular favourite way of relating to God is the “right” one, and that if he is going to be a leader he has to get in front of us and do what we do naturally, but then ramp it up a little bit. That’s a stretch.
Could the Way You THINK About a Spiritual Leader Be Hurting Your Marriage?
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That’s what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is all about–it challenges the “pat answers” we often hear in church circles about how to build a great marriage, and gets the focus back on real life solutions that focus on Christ, not just having the picture perfect Proverbs 31 family.
If you’ve been frustrated because your husband isn’t the picture-perfect leader and you can’t change him, then maybe it’s time to change the way you think!
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2. Men Thrive on Appreciation
Can you appreciate what your husband does do and praise him for it? Can you thank him for providing? For being a good dad? For giving the kids a good example of what a godly husband looks like?
I sometimes look at my friend and wonder why she doesn’t see what the rest of us do: a super involved dad who everyone sees giving of his time to get to know his kids and their friends. What would happen if she stopped feeling bitter that they don’t do family devotions, and she started saying, on a daily basis, “It’s so neat how the kids love spending time with you!”, or “Isn’t it great how they see you loving God’s creation? I think your enthusiasm is contagious!”
Picture that family for a moment. With the constant feeling of criticism he gets from his wife, what’s going to happen if that man now tries to start doing family devotions after dinner? He’s going to feel like he’s at an oral exam, where the examiner is staring at him and waiting for him to mess up. There’s been so much pressure on him to do the spiritual leader thing right, that whatever he tries at this point he knows his wife will be watching and testing. What guy would want to do that? But if she met him where he was at, and thanked him for what he did do, he could be encouraged to incorporate more spirituality in his outdoor trips.
Look, I’ve known guys who have been afraid to mention God to their kids because their wives think they’re doing it wrong. Whenever they’ve started a conversation, they’ve had a lecture afterwards. Don’t let him feel like he’s being scored all the time! Just acknowledge what he does do.
3. Be Responsible for Yourself
If your husband doesn’t want to go to church, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go. If your husband isn’t interested in joining a Bible study and growing more in his faith (at least that’s how you see it), that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. And if you’re worried that your husband is leaving the faith, that doesn’t mean that you need to as well.
I’m not sure why we believe that the husband must be the stronger believer. A spiritual leader simply means that he sets the tone for the family, and that ultimately he is responsible before God for the spiritual condition of his family. It does not mean that if you have memorized more Scripture than he has that your family is somehow out of God’s design. It doesn’t mean that if you know the Bible better than he does that your family is violating God’s code. Why do we always think that?
My own girls have memorized a ton of the Bible. They can quote ALL of 1 & 2 Peter, 1 & 2 Corinthians, John, and Hebrews. My youngest daughter can also quote Matthew. They’re involved in a Bible quizzing program at our church, and they’ve studied really hard. The chance of them marrying a guy who knows the Bible as well as they do is almost null, unless they marry someone who also does Bible quizzing. I’ve talked to them about this. And I’ve said, the important thing is to marry someone you can pray with and talk about God with. He doesn’t have to know as much, or more, than you do.
To hold yourself back because your husband isn’t there spiritually is an improper view of the Christian life and an improper view of Christian roles in marriage. We are each responsible individually before God. And if you get closer to God, you’ll simply learn how to love your husband better anyway!
4. Be Responsible for Your Children
We also do a grave disservice to our kids when we sit back and think that teaching the kids about God is the dad’s role. And we get frustrated because he isn’t taking on that role.
What does Deuteronomy 6:4-7 actually say?
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a]5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Moses is talking to all the people, not just the men. And he is telling them to talk about God with your kids ALL THE TIME. It’s just something natural that you do while you’re going about your daily things–getting up, sitting at home, walking along the road (or sitting in a car), getting ready for bed. It’s not like you can only teach your kids about God when you gather around the table after dinner and Dad pulls out his Bible. When your child is upset because she wasn’t invited to a birthday party, you can hug her and say a prayer with her. When your son is fighting with his sister, you can take his hand and tell him “blessed are the peacemakers”. You can make it natural, a part of your everyday life.
And if you DON’T do this, because you feel that it is your husband’s role as spiritual leader, I believe that you will have a lot to answer to God for when you stand before Him. These are your KIDS. It is not usurping his role by simply bringing God into your everyday life. In fact, that’s what the Christian life is supposed to be.
What’s wrong with your husband giving them a great example of what faithfulness and loyalty are, and what it means to support a family, and you helping them to memorize Scripture and learn about different Bible stories? They see different things in each parent, and that’s why marriage works so well. We each have something different to offer.
Sure, perhaps it would be lovely if we could all sit around and memorize verses together, but please, be careful of making this “spiritual leader” thing into an idol in your marriage. Love the man you’re with, not the one you’ve been told your whole life constitutes a “proper Christian husband”.
5. Other Issues About Spiritual Leadership
Perhaps you have other issues. I’ve written at length before about how to pray with your husband if he’s not a “let’s sit and pray for 15 minutes in depth for our kids” type of guy. I think that’s a really important post, but I don’t want to write all that stuff out again here, so go read it now!
Also, if your husband is not a Christian at all, I have some thoughts on being in an “unequally yoked” marriage. And if your husband was a Christian, but is now having a crisis of faith, that’s a more complicated issue, too.
I know this is a really tough issue. You want to feel like you’re one, and like you can talk about something that is so important to you. But be very, very careful of conveying the idea to your husband that he just isn’t good enough, or he’ll never live up to your expectations. Chase God yourself; seek Him with all your heart. Your relationship with God is an individual thing. And perhaps, for a while, stop praying that God will make your husband into more of a spiritual leader, and just pray that God will bless your husband, and talk to your husband, and that your husband will find deep joy in God. I think too often our prayers themselves are ways that we express displeasure with our husbands, and can cement this negative view we have of him. Pray for God’s blessing on your husband, and you pursue God the way you want to, and let your husband pursue God the way he wants to. When we let go of this ideal of what we think he should be, we just may find that marriage gets a lot easier, and that he’s free now to pursue God without us judging him about it.
What do you think? Have you ever felt like your husband wasn’t a spiritual leader? What did God tell you in the middle of it? Let me know in the comments!
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Thanks for allowing me to comment on this subject. As a counselor, I have seen this situation in some families. Although the woman says that she wants the husband to be the spiritual leader of the house, sometimes SHE has a problem with control issues. Although she says she wants this, she, sometimes finds it difficult to relinquish that authority to him. Often she has the responsibility to feed the kids, get them ready, ensure that the household is in order. Sometimes this spills over into her taking responsibility for spiritual issues as well. Some women have unconsciously undermined the authority of the husband. For example she might say, in front of the kids, “I wish you would take charge or be the spiritual leader in the house”. She, has just told the kids, “I’m in charge and I’m asking your father to be in charge.” That does nothing for the male ego. Again, this is not always the case, but it certainly happens
Thank you for this post. I am going through something like this right now and we just had one of the incidents you just warned us about. I am struggling though that even without saying anything, my son will view me as the spiritual leader, because I am the only one who does anything spiritual with him. How do I counter that image and example that I must set or my son will not have a spiritual upbringing?
You’re counseling tactics are dangerous. As a counselor you should not project your personal opinions or insecurities on anyone. The wife here clearly does not want control. Rather, she is genuinely hurt because she is desperately trying to relinquish control to a husband who is clearly passive in his person walk with God and is hoping being a good dad in the eyes of the world is good enough to make up for it. A woman who tries to let a situation be is the opposite of control. Better advice would be to find out what the husbands personal relationship with God is and if that’s what is affecting the situation. Additionally, this wife clearly does not have a control issue because she is willing to sacrifice her own walk out of fear of being controlling and/or making her husband appear to be less of a spiritual leader. Men lack discipleship in how to improve their walk with God and instead of holding the husband accountable for his actions or inactions, the wife gets blamed. This is harmful advice and more importantly not biblical.
Thank you Chris for saying this.
Amen and amen. People do and can have different views of what a spiritual leader looks like, but the bible is clear in many many verses on what it means for the husband to be a spiritual leader to his wife and children. Forget our opinions, we need to go to the word of God to find out what to think here.
Agree
I so totally agree with this. I have a husband that not only refuses to lead spiritually, but sits back and lets me provide most of the income while he pursues hobbies. I am tired of Christian women berating other Christian women and making them feel like failures for only longing to have husbands who love the Lord.
Hi Jo,
That is really a different situation! If your husband isn’t working or is lazy, then that is something that definitely MUST be addressed. That’s not a question of having a different spiritual pathway; that’s a question of not living up to anything at all!
I’ve written quite a few posts about that, but here’s one on what to do if your husband is lazy, and here’s one on how to be a spouse and not an enabler. I hope those help!
Thank you for sharing!! Thank you also Chris for the truth and what needs said…the whole time reading this is clear that what the husband is doing is trying to get approval from the world and not taking the responsibility as a godly husband and father seriously, God means business and for our best, when He said for the Father to be “the godly leader” …it’s easy to get caught up in how we “should” look to others instead of going to the Father for Real Answers!!! We are to meditate on The Lords word day and night…for all true believers…we also can’t fake being a Christian, or just living the life of…it never gets us to heaven, which as a Christian is our daily mission!! We as Christians are to hold each other accountable and as a wife that is what she is doing!!! And the whole saying of “I don’t have to read the word or do devotions daily I can just see God in the outdoors” is a complete lie, the enemy knows what God desires of us and will try to deterr us away from His truth…we need His Word, devotions, Worship time, Praise time-daily!!! Keep diving into His truth, Amen
Hi Kim–
I hear what you’re saying, and agree that people should be in the Word. But where does it say that the husband must be a “godly leader” by leading the family in devotions? Where does it say that a mother can’t do that if the father isn’t comfortable with it? And my issue is that if we as wives put an expectation that a husband must be a certain way, and he isn’t–then are we going to abdicate our own responsibility? Are we going to become bitter? Are we going to cause a rift between our husband and our kids because we show the kids through our attitude that we are disappointed in our husbands and think that they are failures?
What good does it do to criticize and disapprove of your husband, who may be a very godly man who is serving his church community? Some men don’t like reading. But they think deeply and they listen to Christian radio. Let’s be careful that we do not become critical and bitter.
My husband has very severe dyslexia. His way of spending time with God is listening to programs on the radio and singing worship songs with the kids. He has tried to read in the Bible and I am appreciate his effort. I will not ask him to do it anymore though, I can literally see how it hurts him and embarrasses him that he simply cannot read very well. I know God has many ways of reaching people with his word. I am learning to step back and let Him.
I suggest you read the book “Why Not Women” by Loren Cunningham founder of YWAM.
The co-author Joel Hamilton has written his thesis on women in ministry. They explain the various forms of writing style by Paul and what specific words in scriptures mean that speak about headship.
Jesus is LORD OVER ALL!! He is not second in place to God the father (His source) or the Holy Spirit ( his power).
Check out this amazing eye opening book.
It is refreshing to see Jesus calling ANYONE who is willing to FOLLOW HIM.
Never follow a mere human; follow the one true GOD.
EXACTLY!
Expect a husband who is “sole provider”, and may have to work seven days a week to do so to pay for “the Barbie Dreamhouse” that the “Church-Lady Mafia” will approve of as Godly-enough, to be her personal Billy Graham or fill in the pastor of your choice . Or a biblical scholar fluent in New Testament Greek, Ancient Hebrew AND Aramaic.
And BTW, WAITING to pounce on a screw-up it would take a PhD theology major to spot.
And as a bonus dry up the marriage bed because he isn’t the spritual leader to boot! Well guess how much incentive he will ever have to try again then. EVER!
Then have the gall to wonder why he loathes going to the same “church”.
Weren’t some of the APOSTLES nearly illiterate? Certainly weren’t biblical scholars! Peter himself was a fisherman. And chosen for his belief. Not for how much Bible he could quote.
Then complain why there aren’t any “real men” in Church any more. HA!
So often over the years I have searched for how to be a wife to my husband who is saved but won’t read the word, who goes to church but doesn’t remember what he hears, who listens to podcasts or messages and falls asleep while listening. He’s a good husband in he fulfills the role as provider and protector but adds very little spiritual strength to our family. Each time I go looking for help in how to be a good wife in this part of our relationship the answer is always, “You have a preconceived idea of what spiritual leadership looks like and you won’t relinquish control.” (It’s the safe religious answer!)
Thank you Chris for pointing out that it isn’t always a dominating, arrogant, self-righteous woman asking this question.
We want to know how to approach this situation with conversations, attitudes and prayer that will actually address the issue in a Godly, constructive way.
Usually tho I come away after reading the articles feeling guilty for desiring a healthy Christian marriage – and the condemnation just gets louder in my head.
Thank you Patricia, I totally agree! And am sorry for any pain or disappointment you are going through. Unfortunately we can’t make a person chose to submit to Gods will, but we do know that we can seek Him personally and get to have greater revelations of Him, and that despite if our spouses want to be a part of it or not, God wants to use YOU personally.
Thank you Chris! Someone needed to say this! I 100% agree!
For a husband to provide for his family, and spend time with his kids is honourable. But even a non-believer can go out and enjoy the outdoors. -Does that mean they have a relationship with Christ? No. It’s one thing to ‘let’s say’ go on a hike and talk to God. But just enjoying the outdoors itself is not the same thing as having a personal relationship with God. The bible says “we can not live on bread alone”. We absolutely NEED to read the bible, whether you do it in the morning, at night, while sitting on the couch or sitting outside; it’s got to be done. An example of leading the family spiritually would be engaging them in prayer, and praying for them regularly as that is how they are covered. That doesn’t mean having long, dramatic prayers, but remember praying is just talking to God. Being a spiritual leader also includes leading your family to live in holiness, to make healthy biblical decisions, etc. Going to church, or taking your family to church does not mean you have a relationship with God, even if it is a good thing. Also, the story about the trucker is wonderful, however only listening to sermons does not cut it either. Those are pre-gurgitated messages. This is something I learned the hard way when I first started to walk with God… you need to get in the word and let God speak to you personally. It’s sad that so many people think that all they have to do is go to church sometimes, or be a nice person. They are missing out on what God has for them!! Our identity is in Him, and when you finally get to know Him and who you are in Him, your life will be changed! He is absolutely amazing! You will actually desire to be with him and to serve Him and others through your love for Him! P.s. be careful not to judge others from a few things you see on the outside. Most people do not talk personally about every little detail they are experiencing at home. There is probably a lot more that is going on behind closed doors than what meets the eye. And it is very hurtful and ignorant to pass such a judgement on your friend based off minimal knowledge.
The scripture tells the men to be the spiritual leader. But if he is an unbeliever the wife becomes the spiritual leader for her children. I disagree with this article in so many ways. It completely goes against what the Bible teaches us. It is the opposite of what the Bible’s says walking with God is and being spiritual is. Having devotional time is essential to being a Christian. God speaks to us through his Word and through prayer. Can we pray and meditate in nature? Yes! But if a man is athletic, he is probably more involved in his sport than his meditation over scripture. Can we feel God in nature, yes. He created everything. But it does. It replace devotional time of praying and reading scripture.
If the husband shows. I interest in being the spiritual leader, then the mom needs to step up and be that spiritual leader for her children. It is apparent her husband does not have a deep interest in spiritual things and maintains an appearance for unity sake, for the children.
That he participates in any way, in church activities, shows that he is a good husband and father, even if he is. It spiritually inclined.
All she can do is pray for her husband, show him respect and honor, and let God’s light shine through her. The Bible tells wives of unbelievers to remain godly, chats, pure, and submissive so that their husbands may be won by their godly influence.
Plain and simple, her husband has no true interest in church and his minimal participation is to support his wife and family.
I agree with you. My husband’s focus is work work work. It burns me out trying to be consistent while he does “whatever” he feels is important at the time. To be submissive to a lost, backsliden or completely selfish individual is damaging to a family that you are trying to lead by God’s word. I struggle daily with a man who controls life through Meth and not God-he loves the Lord but I often think he uses church as a cover and to shut me up. It is not enough to say he is a good man….life isn’t about us!! This article is off balance and misses what God’s word teaches.
Erin, I never said that you should ignore sin! Honestly. I just said that some people relate to God in a different way. It doesn’t sound like your husband is relating to God at all. I’d point you to this post instead which more likely fits your position: 10 signs you might be respecting your husband too much. God NEVER wants us to enable to sin, and that may be more helpful for you.
I am in the same situation. My husband is saved but has no interest in being our families spiritual leader and no interest in being in any ministry in our church and doesn’t want me to do things either. This is a very difficult situation to be in as a Christian wife. I have the gift of evangelism and he won’t let me exercise that gift.
Husbands don’t have authority in a marriage therefore it is not possible to undermine it.
Husbands and wives are equal, both are servant leaders in a family. If the wife is better at leading the children in bible study, she can do the bulk of it. Embrace the gifts God has given each of you and stop worrying about whether genitals determine who should lead Bible study.
In my home we believe Jesus is the leader and we follow.
I have always done the most bible reading and prayer AND
my husband has not been a good provider. Jesus is my provider and He can use me or anyone He chooses to meet my needs.
I find the moment we put expectations about husband and wife roles we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment.
Why did Jesus elevate women in a culture where women were equal to dogs? HE deliberately taught in the outer courts where women and children could be included.
I think we fall into religion when we segregate women and men into specific roles.
Jesus was not too proud to be supported in his ministry by women – think about that…
A man that has time to go fishing and loves outdoors is fine, but that man also ought to love teaching God’s word to his children. A woman can help though, in guiding her husband, and maybe making suggestions for study topics or maybe a plan for reading the entire bible. The husband can search the topic and provide the lesson. For reading the entire bible, she can set the best time and have flexibility. There are ways to help your spouse without belittling him.
Of Abraham: Gen_18:19 For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.
I don’t know how someone that listens to Christian shows all the time learns anything but just to repeat what he/she hears on the radio.
2Ti_2:15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
You quote a passage about Abraham in Genesis and yet at THAT TIME there wasn’t even a Penteteuch to pore over and insist be read to the children.
No church to attend either for that matter.
How then was Abraham a Man of God, I wonder?
I just wish my husband would go to church with our daughter. I suffer from health problems and my husband’s church only does early morning services which I can’t get to, especially now while pregnant and being revolting ill in the morning. But I’ve had health problems and for the last 15 years gone to a church with evening services. Unfortunately where I moved to be with my husband, there aren’t many churches and none do night services.
What I don’t understand is this – before we got married, he’d attend nearly every week. Since we got married last year and I moved to be with him 6 months ago, he won’t go unless I go and I genuinely can’t go.
Before I was married, my daughter used to go to go sunday school with my parents at their church sunday mornings as she’d stay over with them saturday nights, and then she’d come to the “youth” service (aimed generally at 15-30 year olds) on sunday nights with me.
I don’t understand why my husband won’t go without me – he went for years without me during our long distance relationship. He knows everyone, he doesn’t get shy and nervous like I do (because I don’t know many people) and it’s not that he’s embarassed to go without me – and everyone knows I’m pregnant and have health problems so understand I’m not capable of doing morning stuff right now.
I know he is secure in his faith, but our daughter is nearly 12, about to start high school next year, her school friends aren’t christian and she’s at that age where she’s questioning everything. And because of the difficult years before I got married (custody issues with both her father and grandparents), me having to work because her father wouldn’t pay child support and her being too old for me to receive sole parent benefits (cut off here when your child turns 8), and because of my illhealth, struggling to recover between shifts at work. She seems to believe in God (having been brought up going to sunday school when my parents could be bothered, and to church with me most weeks when I wasn’t too sick, and other activities like Girls Brigade and a christian school before we moved away) but now she is older, not going to church or sunday school, going to a public school and her friends being proud atheists.
I’ve begged my husband to take her to church when I’m too sick, and I would do it myself if I could find a way.
We try to set her an example but she needs more and I just don’t know how to give her more. She still does Girls Brigade and they have a chaplain’s talk every week and youth group once a fortnight but it’s not enough.
My husband is our spiritual leader, and I wouldn’t know how to take over even if I wanted to, but we don’t pray together because he won’t, we don’t go to church, and he’s given up his daily personal study. We still do weekly group study with a group from church but I feel this gigantic spiritual hole in our life.
Try calling the youth pastor at the church and asking for some type of car pool for your daughter. Several of the parents in my kids’ youth groups, through the years, have done drop-off and pick-up for each other. You will be surprised at how many people will offer to do this if you ask.
Butterflywings… you are fine right where you are! Please don’t stress over this or get yourself down. Do what you can in teaching your daughter the best you can, your husband will stand accountable to God for not his neglect! Jesus is there to give you rest sister… your daughter will be fine, she has a God that loves her too! No matter what your hisband does or doesn’t do, just be mindful of your response to him because ultimately in the end, you will be judged for that. So just rest in the Lord and just submit to his headship. It’s sooo less worrisome on us women’s part!
I was going through my email and came across this particular post. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time! God made sure of it.
My husband and I keep going back and forth at different points in our lives when the other seems to have a stronger faith. At this time right now in our lives he has the perception that I have a stronger faith because I talk about it more. I don’t see it that way, I’m just trying to understand more about God. I do believe that when I want to do something like join a small group or activities like that, my husband is not as interested and I feel the same way as your wife in this post. The words ‘However, I wonder if her idea of a spiritual leader and his idea of a spiritual leader are just two very different things?’ made my heart skip a beat…those were the exact words God wanted me to read.
THANK YOU!
You’re so welcome, Amanda!
Hi Sheila, I appreciated this post in so may ways…the lady who asked the original question has a husband very similar to mine. He is a good provider, a good father, and communes with God in nature. He also talks to the kids about his faith. He never sat down and read devotions etc like I wanted him too, but I do see that he does things, just differently. That being said, he rarely reads his Bible or prays (the prayer thing he may do more than I realize). I’m tired of feeling guilty about being “judgmental” because I think he should read the Bible on a daily basis, any pastor would say the same, and the Bible is replete with Scripture commanding us to read and obey His Word. The kids have mostly moved out, and the whole “spiritual leader” thing is not so important (and I so agree that we don’t need daily devotions for kids as much as talking about God as we live life), but I feel that as a couple we lack intimacy that we could have if he was growing more. I understand that some people relate to God differently, but clearly the Word teaches that in order to grow spiritually, we have to regularly read our Bible and pray…which in 25 years of marriage, he hasn’t. I mean you can’t tell me that it’s ok not to read the Bible or not to pray…that’s pretty clear in Scripture. And I get that this is between him and God, but it also greatly impacts me and the kids. So what to do? If I talk to him about it he completely shuts down, says I’m judgmental, that he can’t do better than he already is, and basically becomes very unpleasant. I have stopped trying to talk to him about it, and after having read many articles and talked to other wives, I have taken the pray and be quiet route. Still no change. So I guess I keep praying and waiting…but I have resentment–I feel he’s robbed me, and the kids of a richer, fuller marriage and family life because he can’t get it together to grow. Maybe I should have argued more…laid down an ultimatum…but I was following the “pray and wait” advice…now we r 25 years married and I have anger and bitterness….and if I try to bring it up, he just gets super-defensive and shuts down…so there is no “working it out”. What to do? I am left, I think, with having to forgive and live in a situation that I don’t like…which to be honest sucks! Do u have any words of advice….and please don’t tell me it’s Ok that he doesn’t read his Bible regularly….I think Scripture says otherwise. Thank you for time!
It isn’t about a wife’s idea of a spiritual leader is..nor is it about the husband’s idea. It is about what GOD says a spiritual leader is. And he clearly says that we should not forsake the fellowship with other believers (attending church), and that we should not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God (reading the Bible). While it’s great that someone would rather bond with God by talking to him out in nature, it does not replace the one on one time we set aside to get into his Word. Prayer is us talking to him, reading the Bible is him talking to us.
Thank you so much for this post. Really has given me lots of food for thought. I think subconsciously I’ve been thinking some of those negative thoughts for a long time, probably 15 or so years, and your thoughts on this are humbling and there’s some repentance needed now I think! You’re so right, we are all so different. My husband is just not into long deep chats and long deep prayers and he struggles to get into the Bible analytically like I do. But I know it’s so much about trusting God with his life and not judging him, and God’s perspective is so different to our sometimes religious one. You’re right, when I look at him as a provider, a loyal husband and an amazing fun dad, there’s so much goodness in that and I know God’s got him held tightly – I need to leave it to Him. Thank you again, I’m so thankful to have found your blog – I know God’s used your words to help and enrich our marriage in several ways.
That’s wonderful, Lottie! Thanks for sharing.
Ditto Lottie
Sheila –
Wow… what an eye opener!
Just the kick in the pants I needed.
Thank you!
AMEN!!! Thank you so much Sheila. I wish this could be yelled from the church tops! We waste so much time complaining or wishing he was more, precious time of being one with our man (as God intended and created us to be) that we miss out on life! Yes ministries should encourage them to be the leader, but it is not our job to nag them or criticize. Oh I have been this way and still struggle, but oh I know the power a wive’s words have and we can truly make or break our husbands. This goes for our teenage sons as well. It is our job to be their cheerleader yeah even sport the short stuff for him in private haha, it is God’s job through the Holy Spirit to move in our husband in the spiritual area.
I want to especially thank you for the example of the outdoorsy involved husband that is LIVING OUT THE CHRISTIAN WALK BEING WITH HIS KIDS. I cried as I read this because I have compared, prayed, coerced, criticized, and just made my hubby feel like such a failure, when duh, he is a doer in acts of service. I know this with supporting him by planning family events or fun stuff for families to do together but didn’t apply it to my own kids! Thanks for this slap, I needed it and need to be extra nice tonight and ask forgiveness for not realizing his walk is different and while we may not sit down and read the Bible, he is walking a righteous walk and being a great example of a husband and father to our almost 10 kids!
He IS our spiritual leader, I am the one failing because I need to change my image and false expectation. Thank you Lord for this revelation and I pray many more women read this and take action to be their husband’s helpmate!
Thank you for the article. I have struggled with this for several years. Like the person who initially posed the question, I love my husband with all my heart. I have blamed myself for the dysfunction by claiming the “she says she wants this but doesn’t really” role. No, I have discovered that isn’t it, not completely anyway. I have been forced to take on the role I am in because I have no help. I have tried to initiate my husband to be involved with our finances, he refuses. He says “as long as we have lights and I don’t get phone calls at work from a bill collector, I’m fine”. Any other asking has only resulted in blowups. After the first 10 years or so, I pretty much gave up. It has become increasingly difficult to address any issues with him that involve making decisions. An hour and a half conversation that started with “I need your help, we have a big financial decision to make and I can’t make it alone.” (because I knew if I did, and it backfired, I would solely be responsible. Which is exactly what happened.) turned into my lack of respect, my spending all his money, (yes, “his” money should be his and he should always have cash in his pocket for something he might want to buy. I don’t disagree, don’t get me wrong but in the same conversation I was told “I know it’s only happy hour Sonic, but it makes me mad when I know we don’t have money to pay bills on time and you waste it by going to Sonic”), which honestly, he does not know, because he admits to people he has no clue what he makes, what our bills are or when they get paid unless I tell him. The conversation went on to that he doesn’t want to spend time with friends because he doesn’t really care about their lives and doesn’t care to share his either, to he is a loser because he can’t fix the plumbing. Mind you, I have NEVER told him he is a loser or expected him to know everything. I work hard to build him up and show how much we appreciate all he does. I put notes in his lunch still after 20 years, I tell him thank you for even the smallest things, when our girls were little we made banners all the time and hung them outside on the garage, until he said I was wasting paper and ink that we couldn’t afford. We rarely go out to eat but recently, he was making plans to go to dinner when he knew I was not going to be home until one of our girls said “oh, I thought maybe you would go with me to the volleyball game.” His response; “well, to be honest, I don’t want to go to the game but I suppose if you want me to go, I will”. Nice, huh? — All this to say, I still love him and want desperately to have an equal partner marriage. There is so much more I could say but what it all boils down to is that I have a hard-working man, whom I love with all my heart, who because of his past (that I know nothing about except it was awful) is passive (passive-aggressive). He grew up with a mother who was married and divorced five times, was an alcoholic and very domineering. Recently, when he got a text from our youth pastor that said he was praying for my husband and our family, that he was praying for the influence my husband has in the church and the impact it will produce. My husband’s response: “I don’t know about influence but thanks for the prayers” When I said “you do have influence, why would you think you don’t. People look up to you.” He replied “I don’t want to have influence. I am just a guy who goes in and stacks chairs and moves them around and does what he needs to.” — Clearly a self-esteem issue that I have tried for years to build to no avail. Why? The whole repressed anger, self-doubting childhood. I get that. — How I wound up on this page is the searching for information on how to deal with this as a Christian woman. Every helpful article I found on the passive aggressive husband/husband who will not take leadership, has been from a divorce support page. I do not want that — it’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for some real answers to a real problem that I cannot possibly be the only Christian woman dealing with. To be honest, I have been praying on this matter for several months and in the last couple weeks, feel as though God is leading me to really commit to finding some answers so that I can help other women. It is a touchy subject and while there are many good articles out there for men to be leaders and women to be helpers. There is nothing for the woman married to the type of man I am married to and I believe our original question(er) is married to. I believe she is in the same boat I am. I am hearing from God. He has shown me that even in my marriage that is not a perfect marriage, He is enough. He has shown me that while I fear the “passing up spiritually” I am not to slow down in my chasing after Him. I have grown immensely and am trying hard to help our kids respect their dad even though they don’t go to him. They don’t because he says “No.” or “I don’t know, go ask Mom.” When he has said ‘no’, I back him up even when I don’t agree. I feel like those people who are told if they would just have enough faith, they would be healed. I know the power of prayer and am holding on to that. One more thing, he constantly points out how his goal in life is to follow Ephesians 5:28 and give up his life for me. “Everything I do is because my only goal in life is to make you happy. You know that, right? You see that, right?” — and it is always in the presence of others that he says it, loud and clear. I don’t agree that Ephesians tells anyone to martyr himself for his wife. Part of loving her is being a leader. And no, I have never said that to my husband, it would only come across as “you are a loser and not fulfilling your role”. However, I am praying for the next time he says it, God will give me the words to gently let him know I do not expect that from him.
Beth!! I know the boat you’re in!! And it’s a really leaky one that requires me to keep plugging the holes and bailing.
My husband has deep, deep father wounds that he won’t allow God to heal. He’s had his own view of God as a “vending machine” God…the view that says “if I do and say all the right things, God will give me what I want”. The view that doesn’t think that following God should have challenges. Bottom line…his hope isn’t in God, in spite of the fact that he says he accepted Jesus as Savior. Passive aggressive tendencies and poor me attitudes.
I eventually reached the point where just because HE wouldn’t grow, that I couldn’t. We were equally yoked when we got married and we are very much not now. All of the things you talked about…finances, etc…same. It’s like I was reading my story. Except I want to share with you that Jesus can be husband. And God can teach you to love your husband the way that He does. It’s hard, but doable. And to pray that one day he will long to grow in relationship with God, that he will fall in love with God. Hang in there, sister. Let God be your rock and your portion.
Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if, with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, had been cast into the sea.
Maybe if you aren’t a strong swimmer, you should let the “professionals” be the lifeguard?
Besides, in my own personal experience, there has always been more than plenty of folks more than willing to push me out of the way in this regard.
NO SHORTAGE OF “EXPERTS”.
Thank you for this! I noticed this was posted 6/24/13 (my son’s bday) it is now November, so there is no doubt God wanted me to see this. I really needed this and it has definitely opened my eyes! God bless you!
Husbands sometimes have diffuclty leading
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” [Gen 2:24 ESV]
According to scripture what you wrote, “Chase God yourself; seek Him with all your heart. Your relationship with God is an individual thing.” is ridiculous! Nothing in a marriage is supposed to be singular if I have become one flesh with my husband. The Bible is also clear in stating that the husband is the “head” of the household and the wife should submit to him (Eph 5:22-23). If he’s not leading, there is nothing to submit to. I personally found myself drowning because I didn’t have the support or leadership of my husband that we both needed in order to survive. I couldn’t keep us both afloat forever.
Deby,
Thank you for that comment! While I appreciate and respect the tone of the author’s article, I, too, feel convicted that it is impossible to submit when the husband is not leading. I feel like this article, while smart to take a good, hard look at our own faults, simply gives absolutely NO responsibility to the husband, and let’s him off the hook. It seems like the author is saying, “just let him do what he does and then make sure that YOU change.” Now, I write this very cautiously, b/c I certainly don’t want to cause division and heartache and it seems that this trend, to make sure, as women, that we are doing it all and letting our husbands be, is very attractive and healing for many women, but there are parts of this kind of teaching that just doesn’t sit well. Its like that old definition of insanity, where people keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Here is where I get stumped…for years, Christian leaders and authors and writers have been giving out this advice and things haven’t changed in Christian marriages. Women across the globe are flocking to blogs and sites like this for advice b/c they are fed up, un-loved, un-cherished, and un-lead. And then we all throw our hands up and say, “hmmm, I don’t understand why marriages are struggling so much and why women are SO unhappy….it must be b/c women need an attitude adjustment and women need to see their men differently” We need to pay serious attention to why there are SO MANY unhappy women and unhappy marriages out there. And maybe try things a bit differently. I feel that God makes an outright command to men to be the spiritual leader and I believe that includes the WORD of God, not just going kayaking with the kids in God’s nature. For generations, men have not been taught to lead spiritually. Its not as simple as, “well, his idea of spiritual leadership is just different.” They haven’t been taught correctly. And we keep letting it go and asking women to perservere and encourage their men. The problem is, by and large, men don’t have any reason to. Not only have they never learned (shame on us as a Christian community) they have no accountability and no negative repurcusions for not following through with God’s command. Over and over again, the spiritual books and websites and blogs that I search for on this topic seem to all do the same thing – shrug their shoulders at “men will be men” and say, well, women, we can’t change men, so let’s just suffer for Christ’s sake silently.” Seriously? How about if the Christian community called a sin a sin and a spade and spade and agreed we’ve all done a poor job at training men how to lead and do something about it. Would it be that hard to put out articles and books explaining that men haven’t gotten the spiritual leadership thing down and here are some practical guides to learning how to do it? The way I see it, if there are SO MANY women out there expressing hurt and spiritual lonliness, we have to address this differently and start holding men accountable. Many Christian ministries do a good job about holding men accountable to being sexually pure from pornography or adultry or gambling or abuse, but then skirt around the real foundational issue of holding men accountable for spiritual headship. And finally, I do love the author’s description of a good husband modeling Christ by spending time with the kids, remaining faithful and loyal and working to provide and that is all good and true, but I think it needs to go deeper than that.
The words you have written echo my heart. thank you for sharing.
I couldn’t agree more. I know there are great things written in the original post, but this is not my issue. What my issue is, is that he is not growing and is not leading. Our kids were happy last night when I told them he has to go to Spain for work for almost 2 weeks. They said, “no mean daddy!” It broke my heart to tiny shards and every time I move, those shards pierce me over and over. I can’t forget those words, and I can’t get it out of my head how much my childhood is repeating. My dad was a very young Christian when I was little. And he was mean. He didn’t have revelation of the grace that Jesus’ salvation brought and gifts of the Holy Spirit. He wasn’t kind nor was he gentle. He has since grown loads and is one of the best confidants in my life now… But I have spent a lot of time resenting my father in my youth. And I SO don’t want that for our three wonderful girls.
More often that not, my husband is short with the girls, yells at them, etc. He started bringing a bag of crayons, coloring books, etc., to church so that he wouldn’t have to “deal” with them during worship, even though they were learning to worship God with the body of Christ quite nicely. This has set the girls back now, and they have regressed. Now I fight this battle alone as he ignores the entire situation. He gets depressed for days on end when anyone asks him about spiritual matters, and will not open up to me. So the only way I get a “happy” husband is if we never talk about spiritual matters. We don’t pray together. When he prays at meals, it’s like reciting a checklist with zero reverence. He shows no personal relationship with Jesus outwardly. I’m not saying he doesn’t have one. What I’m saying is that he never shows it outwardly. (Meaning, he’s not leading.) Our oldest is 12 and she has slowly copied his every action. She is short with her younger sisters, she doesn’t show anything outwardly, etc., and it’s like pulling teeth to get her to talk about anything. Even school things.
And no, he won’t talk to anyone about this. I’ve suggested talking to one of our elders, but he’s silent.
Okay… so that’s a quick snapshot of what real a “my husband isn’t leading spiritually” can look like. It’s not that my views are skewed. It’s not that I’m putting unrealistic expectations on him. And I completely feel that the church has done a rubbish job at raising up a generation (or several for that matter) of godly men. What are we to do? Besides pray. Because you can bet everything you own that I continue to cry out and pray. (And, no, I don’t condone gambling, LOL)
‘Other’ Amanda haha 🙂 : Absolutely!! Your statement is a COMPLETE breath of fresh air!! Clearly, this is a struggle in my family or I would not be here. Naturally, I have ‘googled’ and researched, desperately seeking help and answers and almost always the answer lends itself to the tune of the original poster. By the way, I believe her to be a kind Godly woman who truly means best. However, there IS a general sense out there that we, as in women, are always the ones who need changing. I agree completely with you as well as her, that we DO need to take a look at ourselves and make necessary changes; sometimes, rather tough ones. And I will be the first to admit that not all of the problems lie in my husband’s shortcomings, as I bring many to the table as well. However, that does not change the fact that my husband is in no way the spiritual leader of our family and that brings about a very hard place for a woman to attempt to fill for herself and for her children. There truly does seem to be almost an epidemic in this. 🙁
Brilliant insight. And let me mention to the young marrieds – it doesn’t get any better. Sorry to be a negative Nellie, but we have been married over 33 years. My story echoes most of the posts here, so I won’t take up much time to repeat those. Bottom line for my husband – he LIKES being passive. He LIKES me being in charge (and I’m really good at it). He grew up being physically (horrifically) abused by a stepfather (and sexually abused by his older sister), for 10 years, while his mother stood by and watched. Did not lift a finger to save him, or his younger brothers. At 15, he entered a foster home, Christians, but the foster mother ruled the roost. The foster father was passive. He went to church, but was still passive. So, his example of a father was very bad. So was his example of a mother. I have no time or space to tell you just how messed up he was (and is, at 60 yrs old). But he hid it all well. I didn’t find out about many of these things until our 15 year mark, and it was by accident. So… I ‘understand’ WHY he is the way he is. I also understand why he likes me and why he is attracted to me – my strength. It was not until the last 5 years that he has even begun to address his issues. What I don’t understand is why he refuses to truly make the changes necessary. He has never been the spiritual leader in our family. Honestly, our marriage is on the brink of destruction. I have tried EVERYTHING I can to change myself into what he needs, to no avail. Now we are simply just co-existing with one another. No intimacy whatsoever, in any way. Mostly, b/c, as in most areas of his life, he won’t initiate – conversation, sex, ideas, plans, anything. He will say ‘yes’ to anything I want to do, talk about anything I bring up, go wherever I want – but he will not take the lead. It makes me very sad. The worst thing is that I simply do not know what to do. I am miserable.
I could’t agree more – Jesus is to be the example of spiritual leadership! Jesus did not JUST spend quality / fun time with those he led, he PRAYED with them, and taught / discussed the Word of God with them.
Not to mention, that when we are in love with someone [even if you are a man], we can’t stop thinking about them, talking about them, talking to them, and make MANY efforts and sacrifices to be with them and in their presence. Point being – when you are in love, EVERYONE will know it – you CAN’T hide it! It is exactly the same with our walk with Christ…
If you are truly in love with Him, you won’t be able to contain it – everyone will know. You will find yourself talking about Him, to Him, making sacrifices to just be with Him. And just like when you are in love with another person, you will want everyone to know Him. Period. That’s all there is too it.
Yes, some people are just naturally more outspoken than others. My husband is what one would call a man of few words, but by golly, when he first fell for me – EVERYONE knew it [and still does 😉 ].
So you see, this is a combination of our men not being taught how to lead, and A HEART ISSUE. Jesus has either never been their “First love” or they have lost their “First love.”
I am definitely not saying I have the answer to this problem – I believe that prayer and respect and submission to my husband as unto the Lord is all I can do. [Although, sometimes that gets confusing when his will is not in line with God’s sometimes…].
Even then, I must pray, pray, pray. I love my husband more than life it self and want so bad for him to have the peace that transcends all understanding, joy unspeakable, and contentment in all circumstances. I want him to know what it is like to not fear man and what man thinks of him all the time. I want him to know what it is like to find your identity and victory in Christ and Christ alone, but for him to have all these blessings, HE has to seek God with all his mind, heart, and soul. THAT is what will bring these things about.
Oh, and one other thing: sometimes when we just “chase after God” like that, it is NOT easy, as this can make our husbands jealous of God himself [which my husbands admits to , and admits that when he sees me growing closer to God, it just makes him jealous of God, and then in turn be mad at God instead of wanting to be closer to Him], and of other men who are seemingly close to God [another thing that my husband admits to – and says that I do nothing to make him feel that way (so it is not as though I compare him or act in any way that would encourage those insecurities), and that he knows it is “wrong and stupid” but that it is there none the less]. This means that if our pastor or another male teacher figure preaches a good sermon or something, I better keep it to my self (for the most part), or else my husband will get jealous. Not being able to share about a lesson or sermon with ones husband is not easy on us either.
RIGHT ON THE MONEY DEBY! ALL of this can be summed up into one word that unfortunately many don’t like saying because it’s judging another…..LAZINESS. Most the time…men don’t read their bible because of laziness. They don’t want to be the spiritual leader because of laziness. The responsibility that comes along with both is just too much, in their minds, to take on. Laziness seems to be the root of it all and that’s why it always seems to be the woman’s fault…because majority of us are not lazy lol. We wish we could do what our husbands do and just lounge around, not care if dinner will ever be cooked, go and play sports with the guys, play games on our phones all the time, etc etc. But NO, we just can’t! Because we see it as “IF I DONT DO THIS, NO ONE WILL!”. And that is why we have our headstrong personalities or “view” if you want to call it from the public….because we are forced into this due to laziness. Ugh. Sorry I can go on and on but I wont. Bottom line, majority men are becoming lazier and lazier; abdicating their roles as husbands/fathers/spiritual leaders to others.
Thank you thank you thank you Amanda!!!! You couldn’t have said it any better…
Yes!
The best thing that’s happened in our 20 year marriage is that almost 3 years ago we moved and started attending a church that published a daily Bible reading guide each month. It’s a lot of reading each day, and my husband became pretty consistent with making it his first thing in the morning. Our pastor wrote a guide to having a daily quiet time and often referred to quiet time in his teaching. It wasn’t conveyed as a legalistic action to develop an image. It’s the Living Water and Bread of Life, and how can we be armed without consuming lots of it? Marriage is still a lot of work, but my husband is way less defensive, listens to me bringing shared concerns, and is starting to see his job as dad and husband doesn’t depend on him being perfect or able.
I know what it’s like to be a wife to a husband who doesn’t shepherd his flock. I know all the confusion that comes from trying to walk through daily life with that dysfunction. I pray now that all the husbands rederenced here would be taught as my husband was in our last church (which we had to leave with another military move).
I completely relate to this. I feel as if this issue is causing a rift in our marriage and it is a hard one to mend. I gave up church once for him and it was the wrong decision. I will not do it again and I am afraid of the issues it may cause in our marriage.
I was just journaling about this very question. I was just saying how lost I am and feeling so sad that I desire to pray with my husband, for him to be the spiritual leader, and I’ve been praying and praying, but what you said…”be careful of making this “spiritual leader” thing into an idol in your marriage.” I’ve realized that’s what I’ve made it into, and I don’t know how to change that. So I’ve been asking the Holy Spirit to change my outlook on all of this, to change how I treat my husband and view him.
My husband is an outdoors man, he does landscaping, and I related to your story a ton. We don’t have kids yet, so to read this, and apply it early in our marriage is so good!
All that to say, thank you sooooo much for this! I’ve been asking for a long time now what to do, and this is huge!!! Thank you!!!
You’re so welcome, Mary!
Thank you for this very insightful post (Point #2 really hit home for me)! This seems to be the dynamic that my wife and I are experiencing now. Most attempts at “leadership” (spiritual or otherwise) are often met with criticism and pot-shotting (that is, the tendency to say “no” simply for what seems to be the sake of saying no). She has indicated that leadership is an area in which she would like to see some changes (and I couldn’t agree more), and I would love to “take the reins” in a healthy, God-honoring way, but I fear a knock-down, drag-out power struggle if I actually did. How can she say that she wants me to be a better leader when it seems like her actions tell me the exact opposite?
But regardless of my wife’s control freak-y (by her own admission) tendencies, how should a husband, as a leader, most effectively bring about change in this arena? I have stepped up and accepted my responsibility for my shortcomings in this regard, naively hoping for some sort of sky-opening epiphany for her/us. What I got from her was more of a “glad you see it my way” kind of response. I’m perfectly willing to admit that my pride might be getting in the way of what’s really going on here, but (based on the limited information I gave you) do you think that there is something that I’m missing?
Many thanks!
Hi Vincent!
Sorry your comment has gone so long without an answer! Hope things are going better for you now?
I do have a suggestion, based on your comments; use it if it’s useful, if not, feel free to throw it away. I can’t speak for your wife, obviously, but as a 30-yo unmarried woman who has had power struggles in relationships in the past because I’ve been used to just handling things myself, this is what I’d like — what I think every woman I’ve ever met would like, but didn’t know how to ask for.
It is: don’t start with the spiritual stuff, start smaller than that. For example, if she usually does the grocery shopping… you do the grocery shopping! Don’t tell her in advance you’re doing the grocery shopping, don’t ask her for the list, look in the cupboards and make your own list, and just do it. Or do laundry, or cooking, or taking out the bins, or whatever else she finds a big chore. But don’t do it in a way that you expect her to grovel with thanks, just do it freely. Changing a dynamic is hard work and not instantaneous, but if you commit to it and you’re doing it for the right reasons, it’ll be worth it in the end.
Once you’ve started doing some of these things, step it up a gear and start fixing things as soon as you notice they’re broken. If she asks you to do anything, make sure you do it immediately. Let her know that she can depend on you; part of that is keeping your word, and part of it is noticing problems before they arise and solving them for her (like the grocery shopping example). By now, she should have noticed that the dynamic is changing a bit, and she might fight you on it, but then she (should) like it.
Then take your part in chivvying kids out of the house, for example. Know what’s going on and when, for family events. For goodness sake, don’t ask her things like “when is my dentist appointment again, sweetie?” Get your own calendar and manage it yourself. Bonus points (many, many bonus points!) for keeping track of the kids’ schedules as well as your own. But at least, make sure you run your own life like an adult, without becoming another big kid to your wife by making her take that kind of responsibility for you. (Just to re-iterate, I don’t know you or your wife, I don’t know where you already are with this kind of stuff, and feel free to throw it out if it doesn’t apply.)
Then start planning some stuff — date nights, family days out, etc. Look at the calendar, ask if there’s anything going on that isn’t on the calendar (like, which weeks she is likely to have a lot of work on, for example), find a free day and say in advance that you’re planning something for then (tell the details, or don’t), look up the details, buy the tickets, make the reservation, arrange the sitter, whatever. Don’t make it something else on her to do list, just have fun together.
Once you’ve been through all this — keeping your word when she asks you to do something, handling your own life like an adult, taking a load off her plate, noticing what needs to be done and getting on and doing it, and taking the initiative for fun things– THEN try the spiritual stuff, and she’ll likely be a lot more receptive. Bring up something you read or heard as a matter of ordinary conversation, and present your thoughts on it to the family or to your wife. Ask her to read the same passage you read recently and see if she has any revelations to add to yours…. that kind of thing. Be the one to ask her about the sermon you heard in church or the book she’s reading. And keep praying, of course. Pray for all your family individually, every day, or at least, frequently. Remain open to God’s leading.
Good luck and God bless,
unmowngrass
Nice! You have put into words what I have been feeling. I am copying and printing for the next time this comes up with my husband when he says that I need to remind him to do his chores. Too many times I feel that men want women to follow–blindly, unquestioning, or co-dependently. None of that is healthy for the relationship, especially when past decisions have been made that only consider what the husband feels/wants to do and not also consider the people in his family. This is a hard situation, however I have found that I as a woman need to guard my heart from ungratefulness and pride, and to remember who my Heavenly Father is. He can take care of me and my boys and give us what we need and desire but not at the expense of our hearts leaning on another idol. I have to remember that my praying, actions, and speech need to be for the benefit of my husbands spiritual growth and maturity not JUST to get my own needs and wants met. I have found that if I am doing these things with wrong motive, its selfish and God will address that first before giving me what I may legitimately need or want. He wants me to be anxious for nothing because I trust in Him and His ability to save and provided, not because everyone is doing what I want or need them to do.
My husband and I have been married for almost 24 years. We have always attended church together as a family, have always been involved in a Sunday School class, worked in AWANA for years while our boys were attending, supported me being in choir, etc ( you get the picture). But there is one role he will not step into. I have been praying for 24 years for him to step up in the role of the spiritual leader in our house.( which looks like {in my eyes} as the husband/father who spends time weekly with his family talking about Scripture and praying together) We have two sons who are now 18 and 20 whom I have hoped would “see” what a spiritual leader “looked” like so they could be strong spiritual leaders for their family one day. I have to admit that I have been very disappointed over the years for what I considered missed opportunities for my husband to be the “example” for them. The only time that we have ever fought was over this very subject.
This blog has opened up my eyes to see things differently. Thank you.
Thanks for writing this. I’m wrestling with this issue right now. My husband has a lot of excuses for not going to “big church” with me, not being baptized, not being convicted to go to the communion service, not going to bible study, not reading his bible, etc. But he is totally involved in leading the family in a Christian direction, he prays for us and expects me to teach the children and lead them with a biblical foundation. My problem is jealousy — I’m jealous of the wives in my church who have pastors or seminary students as husbands. We have a seminary at our church campus, and many of our bible study friends seem to have it all when it comes to “spiritual discipline”.
But I’m not doing those things, either, AND who knows what kind of leaders those men are in their own homes?! I’m in a terrible place of judgment over my husband, and I’m so thankful that the Lord put it on your heart to write this article. I need to change my way of thinking, and pray and act the way I’m supposed to as an individual child of God.
Alli please don’t envy this woman. After the experience I’ve had with my uncle who was a pastor – it took more than a decade before it came out but we all found out the hard way that my poor aunt and cousins were living in absolute poverty because he was blowing all their money on prostitutes. Not all pastors are like that of course, but just because someone is a pastor, doesn’t mean they are good person. Just like someone who is not pastor isn’t a bad person.
I have cousins who are married to wonderful men who are pastors/pastoral students, and their husbands are fantastic guys, but it takes a toll on both marriage and family to be married to men in these professions. You have parishioners who think being a pastor means you can be contacted 24/7, and even those who have good boundaries in place, there is still a high price for anyone married to someone working in ministry (things like low income, moving every few years, expected to be a perfect example, run groups yourself etc). Many pastors burn out, and last I heard pastors have as high a divorce rate as the general population because either the husband or the wife just break from the strain of it.
What matters is what your husband does with God, not what he does for the church. It doesn’t matter if he’s a plumber, a factor worker, a doctor, a nurse, a writer, a pastor or anything. It’s about whether he is dedicated to obeying God and using his career for God – using his work to reach out to unbelievers and to provide an income to support his family and God’s ministries.
The problem isn’t that he isn’t a pastor. The problem is that he doesn’t attend church, isn’t baptised, doesn’t receive communion, doesn’t do any fellowship or even read his bible. Unfortunately prayer alone isn’t enough – it’s the easy way out (something I’ve been arguing with a friend over for more than a year now, as he cannot understand why God isn’t answering his prayers when praying is all he does – he prays for God to send him answers, and when he gets the answers he ignores them because it’s not what he wants to hear – ie that God won’t give him what he is asking for unless he seeks christian fellowship and does something other than just prayer). For your husband to say you need to lead your children with a biblical foundation is a huge problem – you can show them one example, but he is undermining your leadership of the children by showing them a bad example.
I wish I had some advice. I love my husband but he isn’t perfect. We only go to bible study every second week and have only made it to church once every few months – I am sick and he won’t go without me so he stays home and plays computer games and our kids also miss out because I’m genuinely not up to to taking them (not up to anything beyond looking after the baby at the moment, not going to church, not going to work, basically not leaving the house for anything other than medical appointments and bible study), but it frustrates me too as he went to church every week for three years before we got married, then as soon as I moved in a few months after we got married, he stopped going because he didn’t want to go without me.
But it really breaks my heart that he’s not going to church, so I understand some of your pain. But please don’t be jealous of pastors’ wives. Many pastors have issues too, and lots of good christian men are not pastors. Just hang in there, pray for your husband and talk to him about sensitively when you get the opportunity. *hugs*
I am feeling the same way because my husband is saved, a wonderful husband and father but has no interest in ministry and doesn’t want me to participate in many, he only goes to the early service and does not want any other responsibility to the church. I have the gift of evangelism and he won’t let me pursue that gift. I am a submissive wife so I am not pursuing this gift. He gets very verbally abusive when I tell him I am going to a second service or volunteer which I don’t do often because I know he doesn’t like me to go. I am very careful about time time I am out of the house because he gets upset. However, when we are around people who we don’t know and religion come up he lies and tells people “we do this and we do that in church ministries” and make them think he is involved in ministry. I don’t understand this. He never knows what’s going on at the church and has no desire to find out. I’m sad to admit that I am embarrassed that my husband is not involved in ministry. We have a boat and he wants to be on it every Sunday in the summer and doesn’t want us to go to church. I don’t like it but I obey him because he gets very mad at me. I sometimes ask myself why I stay in this marriage that feels like we are unequally yoked. I am praying that God will help me to stop feeling this way and to accept this husband that God gave me the way he is.
This is a great question, and the response is very eye opening. However I do still have questions as my marriage has been in a bit of turmoil over this same topic. I often wonder this, if my husband isn’t an active ‘leader’, why should I be? Meaning, why does the responsibility now fall on me with no regards to my ideal worship? He is free to worship and study however he wishes, and I encourage that, but why does the obligation of leading my children in that direction automatically fall on my shoulders? And why in feeling that way am I to supposed to feel guilty? Truth is, I’ve never seen my husband read anything much less the Bible, I’ve never heard him utter a prayer, he has to be forced into the car on Sundays and refuses to attend any service outside the Sunday morning routine. He constantly complains about taking our kids to youth group, in front of them, and never in the 17 years of our marriage has he openly encouraged any type of spiritual anything to or in front of our children. Please explain to me why you are suggesting there is to be no accountability on his part and I should be expected to pick up the slack. Maybe he has the closest relationship with God a man can have, but if his kids/family never see it, hear it, or know it exist, what has he really done? Now, this being said, I do not on any level regret my role as their role model and caregiver, and I enjoy my role as their spiritual example as we are all learning so much from each other, but it seems that every time a woman ask for help she is labeled as the ‘problem’ and her concerns are disregarded as a lack of understanding. Exactly where is the accountability for the other spouse? Just because we all enjoy a different type of ‘fellowship’ does not make one wrong and the other right, but if truly cares for his children and wants the best for them, why should he not be expected to play an active role?
Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Here’s what I’d say: Jesus very clearly said that you would know His followers by their fruit. If your husband doesn’t want to worship, doesn’t want the kids to go to youth group, and never prays, then I’d question whether he really does have a relationship with God or not.
In the example that I gave about the husband who went out in nature, he was a very godly man, often volunteering at church and never missing a service. He just wasn’t big on Bible reading or praying out loud–but he did have other evidences of a very spiritual life–a different Spiritual Pathway, as Gary Thomas would say.
It doesn’t seem that this fits your husband, so perhaps your issue isn’t so much about spiritual leadership as much as it is about being unequally yoked, and in that case, this post may be more fitting.
As for the broader question of accountability, I completely agree that a husband will ultimately be accountable before God for how he treated his family and raised them spiritually. At the same time, though, we can’t change our husbands, and so it is therefore necessary for us to step up and help introduce our kids to Jesus if our husbands aren’t doing that. It’s not a question of being fair, or whether it’s his role or whether it’s your role. It’s just that it needs to be done, and if he isn’t doing it, you need to. That’s all. It’s not that he’s off the hook with God; it’s just that you can’t make him do anything, but you also can’t let this situation go and your kids have no teaching.
I wish it were different, but for many women it’s not.
I hope that helps!
I love this view, thank you for this post! I have always felt that my husband was not the spiritual leader, but he does show our kids so much about faithfulness, honesty, hard work, taking responsibility and being respectful.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was taught about “God Languages”, like love languages but how we experience God individually. It totally changed how I views my husband’s spiritual journey. Just as we experience love differently, we also experience God differently. Such an eye opener for me.
That and this post really help me not judge his journey or his faith (which I know is wrong anyways!) and just accept ours are as different as our personalities, which are waaaay different! Thanks Sheila!
You’re so welcome! I love that idea of “God Languages”–sort of like the Sacred Pathways that Gary Chapman talks about.
Brilliant!!!! Thanks so much for this. My husband didn’t grow up in the church. He didn’t go to church when we met. But he was eager to go and had a desire to be a part of a church family. My family was still nervous about us marrying and how he would ever learn his part as a spiritual leader when we married. Sometimes I’m nervous he’s not growing fast enough. Sometimes he plunges right into things. But today’s bit hit it right on. He does know his part. It may not be exactly what I think he should be doing. He is growing closer to God, his way not mine. Together, we can be great parents and spiritual role models to our baby girl. Thank you for the wonderful way you responded to this issue!!
Preach, sister girl!
Over the past few months, God has specifically pointed my attention in the direction of a man whose wife committed suicide three years ago. This is a man who’s known to be a “good man” in my community with a great family and a darling little boy. He hasn’t talked with anyone about the issues he’s dealt with for three years with losing his wife until now. So many things have happened that have God’s hand and God’s plan written all over them. Anyway – he’s not the “spiritual leader” my friends think he should be. Sure, he goes to church and makes sure his little boy is there. But he isn’t highly involved in church activities because he’s more introverted (meanwhile I’m heavily extroverted). This entire time I’ve prayed for God to let me see him with HIS eyes. Never once have I looked at the guy and thought, “He’s not going to lead our relationship very well spiritually-speaking.” No, I SEE the leaps and bounds he’s making although they’re babysteps in others’ eyes. Those who know us best know how healthy everything is right now and see the strides he’s making. Asking God to see him through through the eyes of his Creator has changed me in a way I didn’t even know was possible. This topics has always been a concern of mine because I’m a digger. You better believe that when it comes to the Bible, I hunger and thirst to know more because I want to know the heart of God more. I enjoy reading – he hates it. He reads a chapter a day while I might digest a book or two. Big deal. You better believe that when it comes to making decisions, I trust him with every fiber of my being. Why? Because I’ve gotten to know him and I’ve asked myself if this is someone I’m willing to submit to for the rest of my life. He leads both me and his son with dignity, respect, and love. So what if I can school him at knowledge of the bible? He’s studying on his own and he’s encountering God on his own. And we talk about all of this almost daily.
You’re spot on, sister. Keep on preachin’ on.
Sheila,
I am embarrassed to say how eye-opening this post was for me. I am very analytical and perform more of the traditional spiritual roles: reading the Bible to our family, memorizing scripture, praying with our son, etc. My husband is different. He doesn’t like to pray for long periods of time or sit and have deep spiritual discussions. This has been a huge point of contention for us. I feel like I should not be growing in my faith without him, and I feel like he should be building me up. Yet I realize now that even as I am the one who remembers to pray before meals and bedtime, my husband is the one who is a constant example of a servant. He may not read the Bible with our son, but he is a living, breathing example of faith, love, patience, and service. I have been refusing to do my part in building up myself, our son, and my husband, because I want my husband to be better at the things that I am good at. It took your post to open my eyes to the fact that God has given my husband and I different strengths and different ways to honor Him. I cannot believe how long it has taken me to realize this. I am thoroughly convicted and feel that I will be much better able to honor my husband as a spiritual leader. Thank you! A thousand times, thank you!
That’s wonderful, Chelsea! I’m so glad. You may really enjoy the book Sacred Pathways, too. It really opened my eyes to a lot of these issues!
All I can say is DITTO!! I read your post about this a while back, and it still speaks volumes to me about focusing on both our our strengths.
I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate this post. It’s like we get this picture in our head of how things should be that we miss out on enjoying our blessings as they are. Thank you so much for this perspective. I love my husband and all the amazing ways he provides and nurtures our family. Time to stop praying for his leadership skills and start praying for my appreciation skills! 🙂 God bless you sister.
That’s beautiful! “Time to stop praying for his leadership skills and start praying for my appreciation skills! ” Amen!
I’m sorry..I’m really thrown off by this article. There is nothing wrong for praying for our husband’s leadership skills. That is okay!! God wants us to be open to him about our concerns, feelings or else we will (probably on our own strength) attempt to shower our husbands with appreciation. Trust me, that doesn’t last if the HEART behind it isn’t genuine. God may be using a wife (who is a fellow believer) to reveal sin in a husbands life, which may be for his own good as a child of God. As he may do the same to me as well..God says to let love be genuine..Iron truly sharpens iron and at times, God will use other sinful people (as myself) to refine me to be more like Jesus.
We can and are instructed to pray always about everything. Ourselves, our children and our husbands..everything! Love hopes..
Another point, ladies, Jesus is truly enough. If it seems like nothing is changing, God is in control of that. He is using it for your good and for His Glory. He is enough..and sometimes we have to endure as wives to see that God is enough. Not God + an ideal marriage. But there is hope..please Pray for your husbands walk with the Lord and that they will bear fruit and be closer to the Lord and maybe ask for forgiveness if there is anything that you may have said out of your hurt..and Ask God to to help you love your husband genuinely and submit to Him even if he is not leading the way he should. God will take care of the consequences.
Just what i needed Thank u!!
Exactly what I needed to hear with my self-righteous self. Thank you! God bless your ministry!
Hi, thakyou for posting this Sheila. At the end of the day, we are all accountable for our own actions. We should all look to Jesus for His guidance, and let God mold us to be more Christ-like. Our husbands, …are only human too…sinful…..selfish….stumbling in this evil world. Yet God did bring a man and a woman together to be one, under God. Although we are all different in the way we express our love for God……i struggle with the impression you give on you blog Sheila….that men going out into nature is an expression of their soul-searching, God time. I can understand where you are heading…but is this the only time they spend with the Lord?? It leads to the idea that not reading Gods word- the Bible,- which is the way he speaks to us, teaches us -sits ‘ok’ with you. And with this idea…i disagree. God is in the Word, He is the Word, it is the Truth….and if christians are not reading, i fear they are not growing in their faith,in their knowledge of our Creator……and yes, i do agree what you said in your blog…just because the wife may know more of the bible, or read more, doesn’t make them better than their husbands….but reading Gods word DOES need to happen for spiritual growth.
Hi,
First, thank you for your article. There is much truth to it. I grew up very strict in church both parents’ fathers were preachers and teamed together to form a successful world wide missions organization. My husband and I married with him only being a Christian a few years. He surrendered to preach and the Lord allowed us to serve seeing many people come to Faith in Christ. Over the last 10 years we have experienced tragedy of loss through death, economy and havoc in churches. My husband is done with church. He is interactive with the children and says for me to go, but at times can be verbally overwhelming. I tried for a while to stay consistent and never cause the children to miss. I new it is a parent’s job to train their children not to be soley left as a church responsibility. I have also tried to accept the fact that ministry can be seasonal in a person’s life and the hardships endured have crushed both of us. I fear being out of fellowship with God and disobedient to Him by not being a part of church. I have asked our pastor to visit and he says he will but never comes. That infuriates my husband. The thought of finding yet another church is mind boggling because the cycle seems to repeat. In reading Scripture and praying,
the Sprirt’s response is wait patiently and hope. It seems a Christian functional loving family is a testament to the society. Our children have made their profession of faith in Christ. I am reminded that my vow of marriage was to love and honor my husband not the church. We have strong spiritually discussions with our children around the supper table. I am trying to get confirmation through scripture as to what exactly God expects of me.
I have a question that I cannot find an answer to, I’m active in my church, my husband goes to church because our son loves church, he does it so our son won’t be discouraged, he’s not active, only attends Sunday. I recently have been trying to decide if It’s time to leave my church and find another that will help me grow. I’ve explained to my husband my decision. He does not want to leave our church because he is comfortable there. I understand that he is the head of the family, in this situation if I the wife am a believer, involved, seeking Christ, should I be leading till he decides to take that authority of the husband? Or should I listen to him knowing he’s not mature?
I used to be very involved both in church and leading my family but the constant criticism became too much. For awhile I continued in secret but eventually she found out and that was it. It is just easier to not do anything and agree that I am a failure rather than fight all the time.
I think she is bitter b/c her father did not lead their family so she resists any attempt I make to lead ours. It really makes no sense.
But it is not always the husbands problem.
Just saying
I have been in this same position for almost 14 years now, where I just feel my husband could be so much more spiritually. In the first few years of our marriage, it bothered me to the point that it put a serious strain on our relationship. Finally it dawned on me: I will never, ever be able to change my husband. The only one who can change him is the God, so I had a choice to make: I could keep hindering the Holy Spirit’s work by nagging and crying, or I could embrace my husband for who he is and let the Spirit work in his heart in His OWN time.
Now I am on the other side of years of praying and keeping quiet and I can tell you, it has been wonderful to watch. If I was going to hold up my husband to MY standard of spirituality, he still would not measure up. But I can see how God has worked in my husband in a way that is unique to him and his personality.
So my advice to someone in the same boat is this: If your husband is a good husband and father, but lacks spiritually, let it go. Let it go. Bring him before the Lord everyday in quiet and then be your husband’s biggest fan. Love him for who he is and not for who you expect him to be. That is your only job: to love and pray for your husband. Once you give up the reins, it may take much longer than you’d like, but you WILL see God working in him.
Thanks for those words of encouragement, Laura!
This post is very humbling, and definitely answers all my questions! I’m always finding myself not satisfied with my husbands actions/decisions, and challenging him in a degrading way. His spiritual life is almost nonexistent, and when I see how much passion he has for other things (cars, new technology) it angers me that he chooses to direct that energy towards things of this earth instead of God. I fear that the judgement day is near and he’s not right with The Lord.
We are a young married couple with a daughter of 1 years of age, but I fear that I cannot stay with a man who doesn’t love God the way I do.
No matter how much of an example I am for him, he doesn’t seem to care.
May God Bless you Sheila for all that you’ve done for Him and for us fellow brothers and sisters in Christ! You are a true light in the world!
Thank you! I have been struggling with this. To realize that the spiritual leader role can look different is tough because we can have a box mentality. It’s time to think outside the box!
All this is great but what are your suggestions when your husband does not pray with you (other than the occasional meal), will not go to church or counseling and mentally checks out by playing viedo games over 4 hours a day each weekday and more on the weekends?
Our boy on his own even asked him to come to church this week on his own accord and he said he was too tired but he got up to game minutes after we left the house (self proclaimed).
He was raised in a male dominated house hold, no abuse, no real hardships and raised on the faith, his father is now a consistent church goer and involved but took him years to go with.
Do I get his father involved as it looks like he is a mirror image and hopefully will come around or just wait or other? I’m open to suggestions.
This is very helpful for me to read right now as I’m struggling with this right now.
I’m more actively seeking God thru prayer, studying, wanting to become members of a church weve been attending, serving as i can when i can without neglecting my role as wife and mother…I don’t expect my husband to be on the same page as individualy we are responsible for our relationship with God, but it is hard to seperate the feeling of my husband as part of me and I yearn for him. He is saved but struggles with going out once a week to have drinks at the bar with work colleagues. He struggles with things of this nature, so when he tells me he doesn’t want us becoming members of a church that I feel is perfect for our family and that God lead us to its really difficult. He admits that his actions outside of the house are sinful but he says God forgives him so what more am I to expect. I don’t feel right becoming a member without my husband bc I feel my family should be focused on before a church family, I then fear well never become members and that our 2 sons will suffer, even tho I am doing my best at home to teach and guide them. My husband is afraid to commit. Actually the other thing that is saddening to me is that he seems to be fearful of me digging deeper into the Bible and my yearning to know God as much as possible. He’s made comments to me saying “you want to become a pastors wife and I don’t want to become a pastor”…I do not want that at all but what he means is that I want to follow God’s word, direction, leadership obediently as best as possible for myself and our boys and he doesn’t seem to want to. Which for himself I guess is on him but he seems to want to pull me away from becoming that way by saying now he’s unsure of the church we’ve been attending and thinking it’s time for a new one…it’s not so much he doesn’t like it it’s more that I think he fears involvement.
Im going to follow him on this without questioning him it’s very hard as I’m unsure if he’s allowing God to really lead him. I made some friends and now I may lose them if we stop attending this church to seek another. I love my husband dearly, this weighs on me heavily. He throws around “you are to obey me and let me lead us as God commanded you too” which I agree to and try to do but then he stops following other commands God gives us and I feel like me and our children are left hanging.
I apologize for this being all over the place, but please just pray that my soul will be settled over this and that I’ll try to stop fixing it all and just let God work the way he does. I won’t stop on my own at home myself and with my kids but I think I’m going to have to give up a church I really feel close to and that my kids are thriving in.
nd when they had brought them, they set them before the council. And the high priest asked them, 28 saying, u “Did we not strictly command you not to teach in this name? And look, you have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, v and intend to bring this Man’s w blood on us!” 29 But Peter and the other apostles answered and said: x “We ought to obey God rather than men. 30 y “The God of our fathers raised up Jesus whom you murdered by z hanging on a tree. 31 a “Him God has exalted to His right hand to be b Prince and c Savior, d to give repentance to Israel and forgiveness of sins. 32 “And e we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Holy Spirit f whom God has given to those who obey Him.”
Just because your husband doesn’t follow God, doesn’t mean you should not. Don’t let your husband put a strain on your relationship with God, because I don’t think that’s what He would want. Don’t let your salvation suffer because of someone who does not seek salvation. The Bible clear says we should obey God before men.
I have been married for 12 years to a man who has verbally and emotionally abused myself and my kids. He had a terrible childhood, where he could never do anything right in the eyes of his father. His father is truly an evil and not God loving man. I don’t feel that my husband wants to be that way. He will listen to Christian music, and watch Christian movies, but he won’t go to church, or say the blessing at the dinner table. When I ask him to he gets mad. He always asks our daughter to say it. He also doesn’t know much scripture. When he is off of work he will go to the woods alone, and stay for a day or too, and he never spends any time with our daughter, he doesn’t tell her goodnight, and when he speaks to her, he tells her what she is doing wrong. He will never give her praise. I don’t know what to do. I have thought of divorce, since I never see him much anyway. It’s a very lonely life to live, and I think my daughter is suffering because she doesn’t have a dad who takes any interest in her. I just watched “War Room”, and I am going to pray for him. What would you do?
I just had an argument about that with my husband, I realize I am wrong and I need to take this idea out of my head of what the spiritual leader should be, I have been very foolish, thank you so much for this advice, I wish more women at church would give you this type of advise rather than bragging about how their husbands are the typical spiritual leader.
It’s God ‘s place to make a person Christ like, not the husband or wife. Often time our idea of what a Christian man or woman should be, is nothing more that we being self entered. Attitudes like, I believe, I think or he should be more this way, is nothing more than self trying to control a person and using scripture to justify our behavior. Spiritual growth comes out of a relationship with Christ. The more time you spend with Christ through prayer, fasting and studying scripture, the more you will be like Him. The more you die to yourself, the less judgemental you will be and the fruit of the Spirit will just naturally be a product from spending much time with Jesus. The reason why there’s so much struggle is because of our flesh. Crucify the flesh, put it to death and the river will flow and out of that river will spring forth the life of Christ. Everything that river touches, it changes. It’s not your nagging that will bring change but the life of Christ. We have a habit of judging other people’s flaws harshly, but never stop to think about our own flaws. Am I difficult to my spouse? Am I annoying and have I caused pain?Examine yourself, judge yourself and then you will see well enough to judge others righteously. No one is perfect. We are so quick to judge and condemn others without realizing that in God’s eyes we are probably farther behind than we think. We make a little mold and we expect people to poor themselves into that mold. Have you been all that Christ wants you to be as a spouse? God is faithful and He cannot deny Himself. If you’re genuinely following, obeying and living for Christ, he will work in your family. Remember to exercise patience because you will be measured by the same measure you use for your spouse. Anybody can love when everything is great, but can you love under the most difficult circumstances? Stop judging your husband and be a godly wife. Learn to have faith and rest in Jesus. Die to yourself and live for Jesus.
A spiritual servant-leader, then, imitates Christ. He’s tuned in to his family’s needs and concerned for its spiritual welfare. He looks for ways to help its members grow in their relationship with God. He provides physical support, grace, and encouragement. He is ready to protect, help, and defend. In hard times and good times, in season and out of season, he’s ready to lay down his life for those who have been entrusted to his care.
What kinds of qualities are required in a husband who desires to fulfill this high and holy calling? First, he must have a strong connection with his Heavenly Father, finding his happiness in Christ first, realizing that he can lead effectively only if he maintains an intimate relationship with the Lord. He must be balanced in his commitments and nurturing in his concern for the mental and emotional needs of each family member. He must be proactive, spotting potential challenges to the welfare of his wife and children and coming up with workable solutions to problems. And he must be characterized by integrity, seeking to be the safest, wisest, and most respected man his family has ever known.
Much more could be said on this subject. We hope these few suggestions have helped you get your thoughts moving in the right direction.
Nice write up,
The issues I have with family devotion is my husband’s view with regards to some spiritual issues, he sees it as my unwillingness to submit to him, if I have a different view.
Don’t know how to effectively communicate, so he does not think I am usurping his role as the spiritual leader of our home.
It’s so disheartening to read where we continue to put the blame on wives, for things in marriage that they do not commit. This is so wrong. It’s also hurtful to read commenters put all the responsibility for the marriage repair on the wife. We see this time and time again. What makes it so bad is that women who do this to the females gender.
I feel so hurt for wives. I feel so discouraged, because I see where so many women write for advice about their non leading, non cooperative husbands and all wives get is slammed. On most marriage websites where wives write for help, about how they are supposed to survive with a cold, harsh, and hurtful husband, sadly, the wives just get scolded. Can someone explain why this happens?
Wives are not to blame for their husbands not leading the family. Wives are not the blame for husbands not being Biblical husbands . Men have been given this responsibility and instead of websites giving counsel to help men do the right things, we let them by . Then we allow men commenters to come on a wife website and add salt to wives wounds.
These wives are in so much pain and we don’t show any compassion or understanding, yet, we show all this exaltation to the husbands. Yes, this is what commenters do. I do not get it. It almost always comes down to the comments slamming the wife, blaming and scolding the wife all because someone started a notion that says wives are bad and if a wife does not exalt her husband, or does not praise him enough, or does not tell him she appreciates for what he does, then site commenters turn ugly and tells the wives they are no good. There is an old, male favoring , worn out statement that husbands thrive on appreciation, praise, and respect. This is not a Christian like comment. We are not to tell women to build a marriage on praising the husband, telling him he is awesome, or any compliment, unless we teach husbands that they are to do the exact same behavior to their wives. Wives thrive on these same things too, wives hunger for this, wives are just so foolish to place themselves last, for unloving husbands and don’t expect uplifting compliments and put the need for these on the top of their priority lists.
Wives always try to please and help others and then sacrifice for them. Wives just suck it up and do not put that much stock on being lifted higher than others and she is constantly told to stay quiet, and if she does want to speak, the wife is told that she has to say everything with respect, even though her husband is not speaking to her respectfully as he should.
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1) Commenters tell wives to let the husband be as non spiritual as he wants, and it do his other responsibilities, but you have to still let him be the leader of you.
2) commenters tell wives to stop being “bitter”, no matter how disrespectful or distant, your husband is to you.
3) Commenters and writers, tell wives to show their husbands appreciation, to praise him, to tell him we are so thankful for all that he is supposed to have done, but we all know that wives fo all that for the family as well. We know too that. God loves all of us and He wants both the husband and the wife to show appreciation for the other. Wives work too and raise the children hold the family together, and so we need to or pray and ask God if he only wants the wife to work on the marriage.
A man commenter here even said, wives have a Problem with control issues and wives undermine their husbands’ authority. This comment was so typical of what men and even our fellow women say to each other. This to me is another hurtful comment.
Beryl, I would totally agree with your 3 points, and that really isn’t the point of this article at all. I’m writing about women who are expecting a certain TYPE of spiritual leadership, and aren’t recognizing their husband’s good qualities.
But if a man is being hurtful, or emotionally abusive, or belittling their wives, no amount of “submission” or encouragement is going to help that. In fact, in those situations, as I’ve written about before, the “typical” marriage advice of “just being nice” actually emboldens the bad behaviour and makes it worse! This is one of those cases where one-size-fits-all marriage advice doesn’t work. In most marriages, what I wrote would be absolutely true. But then there are those where men are using supposed spiritual authority to spiritually abuse their wives and kids, or where men are being emotionally abusive, and that’s a completely different situation. It’s just so hard sometimes! And I do hope that women in those situations find people around them who can help them stand up to wrong and inappropriate and ungodly behaviour.
My husband was an atheist at first, but received Jesus in 2011. Then we had our first and only baby. It was tough and he really came down on me about so much. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells the first seven years of marriage and so the baby really added to the stress. My husband has always been a blamer and is really good at justifying his angry outbursts. When I finally had enough, I packed my bags to stay with my mom. We stayed together but since then he has said that I am the reason he is spiritually disconnected. (Ever since I was going to leave. ) But honestly,he has never been one to choose to go to church or read the word. He won’t hold himself accountable. What can I do if he blames the incident of me “hurting his feelings and his walk” on why he has disconnected from God?
Oh pooh! I’ve been doing it wrong! Thanks.
I disagree with a good portion of this article. I do not feel I should just change my mindset on what a spiritual should be and pick up my husbands slack to be responsible for the rest of the family.
A leader is well defined as is a husband and a wife.
My husband knows what he should be doing. When we were dating I was very clear on where I wanted to be with Christ in serving HIM and worshipping HIM. I told him before he became my husband at the time that if he didn’t want this too then we should not consider marriage. I was already in a marriage where my husband refused to follow period. Well over the years I’ve grown spiritually and he’s stayed where he is and even have noticed more regression lately. He has attended enough church to understand what he needs to do, but will not do it. Because of him, my daughter will only go to youth group and not church. All kinds of ungodly spiritual doors get opened almost daily because of his disobedience. He barely says grace at the dinner table. I used to lead by asking to pray, but after all the attempts and prayers, I truly am at a point where I need to let this go. I told the LORD that I”m ok with HIM doing what HE sees fit to bring my husband along. I’ve tried encouraging him, he takes it as an admonishment….. it is affecting my daughter (my adopted step daughter) because she will not make conections that she needs to make. she doesn’t listen to me….Dad is the cool one, mom is the freak.
I do everything to keep silent, to pray, to respect, to serve, to make home a sanctuary….. I do things I cannot stand such as going on all the trips he wants to go on even when it interupts my church, my spiritual learning opps, my business….. and I’ve just asked him to help me find ways where we can be more spiritually connected….. he had a chance to take a class at the same time I was coaching, and he passed it up. I don’t bug him, I’ve stayed behind and waited for him to want to that didn’t work, I’ve prayed. and I continue to…. I just can no longer keep going hoping and waiting. This part of the hope in my marriage is now dead. Wives don’t want control…trust me, I’ve spoken to so many who just want a husband to worship with them, to read HIS word with them (not everyday) , celebrating life and HIS goodness with them, they want him bringing the children up and coming alongside the wife in this upbringing of the family, they want husbands to acknowledge GOD as #1 in the home and nothing less is welcome…. he helps his wife teach thier children the importance of this…..there is nothing lonlier than to be told that you want the same thing only to be deceived. I will keep going alone – what’s new after 10 years. I’ve left it up to the LORD because frankly my heart can’t take anymore. He won’t even have christian friends.
I absolutely believe in GOD’s promises, but I also know HE never interferes with man’s own will….I have way too many friends whose husband’s passed not knowing HIM and not caring. It’s sad. Also another factor is that obedience is vital. So who knows what my family is missing out on because only 50% is present when it could be more than that. GOD blesses the obedient and we go through hardship at times unnecessarily when the answer is there and he refuses. I’m no longer happy to be here.
God never decreed in Genesis for Adam to have authority over Eve. What he did decree was for humanity in general to have dominion on Earth and all other life forms in it, never is there any specification for authoritative liberties for either gender http://www.strivetoenter.com/wim/2010/03/21/eve-usurped-adam-authority/.
And the verse that says for wives to submit to their husbands and husband to love their wives does not mean that both love and submission are not supposed to be mutual. In the time of the new testament writing, marriage was not treated as a partnership; women were literally purchased with money to get the fathers approval to let the man marry her, this is what Jesus meant by “given in marriage” when the pharisees asked him about who’s wife the woman would be in the resurrection. And women were considered second class citizens, with far fewer legal rights than men http://whatthebiblesays.info/marriage-in-heaven/. This is why it’s commanded for husbands to love their wives, because love typically wasn’t the reason for marriage when that was written. A marriage is a partnership of two people becoming one flesh, not a dictatorship. One flesh cannot have more authority than itself.
In the septuagint, the Greek translation of the old testament and language that the new testament was originally written in, the Hebrew word for head, rosh, when used for a position of authority, was never translated with the word kephale, the Greek word for head. It was always translated with archon in it’s place, a word that does mean a position of authority in Greek, because kephale was rarely used to indicate authority. That’s why there are scholars who doubt that a husband being the head of a wife means he has authority over her. Also if the way of God is in the spirit, not he flesh, one can wonder why someones fleshly makeup would be a standard for who has more authority in any type of relationship. https://thejawboneofanass.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/a-bad-answer-is-worse-than-no-answer-kephale-and-authority-1/ http://www.doxa.ws/social/Women/head2.html
And you are aware that the first person to preach the gospel of Jesus resurrection was a woman commissioned by Jesus himself and that there were many female preachers in the first churches, which were homes, right? To preach is to simply tell about the gospel, so anytime women tell about what they know about the bible on mission trips or to friends and family, prideful men’s self appointed privilege is being undermined. Its so sad that so many women have have so little self redpect that theu have no problem with the idea that they are restricted from a contribution to their very creators plan solely because of how they were born. http://www.wadeburleson.org/2009/07/exhaustive-study-on-meaning-of-head-are.html
Thanks so much for that perspective, Eric! It is one that I definitely agree with, and I wish that people could see that God wants to use women, too, and that God gave women gifts and discernment as well. (By the way, I love Wade Burleson’s work!) And I used his arguments about “head” as kephale in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It was never meant to mean that the man makes all the decisions–otherwise Ephesians 5:21 (submit one to another) would make no sense, and Sapphira would never have been struck dead for following her husband into sin.
Wow! Thank you so much for this! I have been on your blog for the past 2 hours reading through different posts! My marriage is at a wall because of this! I’ve always looked at leadership as dominance. I grew up in a home where my mother “wore the pants.” So many Christians view husbands as the one to wear that pants, but that’s not right either! It’s like a triangle. Jesus at the top, my husband and I at the other two corners. This post has shown me, my husband is actually a great spiritual leader. I do think there are some things he could be better at, but no one is perfect! He provides for our family, is a great help around the house and with our kids, is a gentle, kind, loving father. If that doesn’t reflect Jesus, I don’t know what does! He certainly is better in all those areas than I am! My respect and love has only grown more for him after reading your words. For that I have such gratitude. Blessings!
Oh, I’m so glad, Kelsey! And thanks for encouraging me today, too!
Thank you! I am encouraged to change my mindset in my marriage. I love my husband, but it hurts me that he is questioning God. I need to follow the word of God to honor, respect and obey…and God will heal my heart.
Unfortunately my phone did an auto correct before I sent my comment above. It altered my comment improperly. Here is a corrected one….
I think many people are missing the point of this article. The author is NOT trying to say, “If your husband isn’t leading…then you take over and do it instead.” Rather they are saying, “Instead of having an expectation of HOW your husband should lead, focus on yourself and how you can be spiritually invovled.” That is not usurping the authority of the husband (and yes he is the authority and leader and head of the home and family Ephesians 5:22-25 ” Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”). But rather each one of us is responsible for spiritually guiding our children. You are NOT taking your husband’s place…you are guiding your children as the Lord leads you. When it is all said and done…we are only accountable for ourselves. Don’t miss the point of the article in thinking “Forget him and take over”. But rather appreciate the spiritual things he IS involved in. Don’t have expectations of how YOU think it should go. We would never like that as wives. Set expectations for yourself. Sitting back and doing nothing would be wrong as well. Your children would miss out on the blessing of hearing you spiritually guide them as well. Thank you for this article. I really appreciated it.
This article is a breath of fresh air. So many authors out there make Dad’s spiritual leading a very boxed in strict format kind of thing. Sadly wives are equally conditioned to think that unless dad does the format it is a sin for us to step out and hold family devotions and so they sit there stewing that the kids aren’t being taught any thing. My husband teaches the kids all the time just not in sit down bible lessons and memory verses.
I am so happy to have found this article…. Really guides me to who “I” really need to work on!!! If I put God first in my life, He will do the rest!! And some comments say “convicted that I can’t submit to a husband who is not a spiritual leader” please read 1 Peter 3.1-2, God tells us wifes very clearly what we should do (in all circumstances) and only God can change hearts!!! God can use our actions, examples, suffering and sacrifices to our husbands not our words or criticism or judgement.
Blessings
And all I can say is we can get so caught up in the “in times” “new age” “equal rights” though God spoke clearly on who we are and what roles/responsibilities we have…He made us for that!! Yes we have different gifts, though He gave clear roles as a husband/wife and we need to live His truth out here…not to what the world times are…we have all been apart of letting the world fall apart and as Christians we have a higher responsibility…stand up for our God and Father Jesus Christ!!! He came to separate the sheep from the wolves anyway, so we will see the truth through that, AMEN
This article just gives more excuses for a man that doesn’t want to do what God called him to do. Watch Paul Washer sermons on Husband and Wife, Biblical Manhood, Recovering Biblical Womanhood, Where are the man and several others about family and the responsibilities involved according to the Bible, not according to the world where a man spend more time watching a game then studying the word of God or praying. The church is always saying that the man is the head but rarely talks about the responsibility of being that man. Paul Washer explain real clear what a man should do and just to give you a hint, the man is the responsible for teaching the word of God to his wife and kids, the church should be just a reinforcement, not the main source.
Gracie–I hear what you’re saying. But the fact still remains–what if your husband doesn’t do that? What if he’s not wired that way? What if he loves God in a different way? What should wives do, then? Just grow resentful? This article is written for women to help us find solace in our marriages, rather than cause us to condemn our husbands. Being angry at our husbands really doesn’t help anything, and often blinds us to what they really are doing.
This article was very helpful to me.
Thank you
I jumped the gun and didn’t read through the other posts. I read the article about the unequally yoked marriage. My husband was adamant and fired up for God in the past, but indifferent now even though he says he’s not. I just can’t even figure out whether or not he’s a saved Christian. But the other article does help a bit more. Thank you