WWbutton - Wifey Wednesday: When Your Past Hurts Impact Your Marital Battles

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! And you can all link up your own marriage posts in the linky below!

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is brought to you by Alexandra Kuykendall, author of The Artist’s Daughter: A Memoir, where she tells her story of recovery from the abandonment by her father. Did you bring baggage into your marriage that made it hard to trust your husband? Alexandra understands!

PastHurts2 - Wifey Wednesday: When Your Past Hurts Impact Your Marital BattlesI looked down at the table, the wood farm table that Derek had refinished in our garage, the one where he ate dinner with his parents and sisters when he was a boy and then a teenager, growing into the man I would later marry. Now I faced him as he was sitting next to me and my legs straddled the table-length bench and the hated thick tension that happened when we were fighting was present between us. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted? Spit out the words and opinions that were there? Why was I so afraid of making him angry? Derek is not an exploder, I knew I wasn’t afraid of his reaction that way and yet I could tell there was resistance because I didn’t want to upset him.

I let myself hear the tiny whisper from the back of my brain. It had been a while since I’d heard it. I pushed against it, but on that day I couldn’t ignore the why behind the fears, I was afraid he would leave. Really? Get up and walk out on me and the girls? No. But I have been wired from birth to think a man would leave, wouldn’t think I was worth sticking around for. It is the heritage I brought to my marriage. And so that internal tension is present whenever real tension starts to flare and I have to fight against it because I know it’s not based on truth.

The early years of marriage were like hurdling boulders. I had to get around those expectations, and hurts and hopes for what a husband would fulfill. I had to realize God was the only healer, that my imperfect, human husband couldn’t fix the hurts created by another imperfect, human man, my father. They were both men, yes, but one was not intended to replace the other.

And the boulders have shrunk to now bumps in my path. I still have to see them, step over them lest I trip on them. Those insecurities that are buried so far down I forget they are there until they poke up causing me to stumble and redirect my footing. Like that day only a few years ago on the bench when I recognized that hurt was causing me to doubt a man who had been nothing but faithful to me.

How I’ve fought the internal lies that tell me my husband will repeat the patterns of my father:

  • I recognize my wiring. I know based on my childhood experiences that I have to fight against certain messages. This helps me recognize what is really going on when the insecurities appear.
  • I focus on what I know to be true. That my husband is a faithful man. That he is not the same person as my father. That he has NEVER indicated he will leave me. That he deserves to be believed when he tells me he loves me.
  • I pray. For God to ease my fears. To live from a place of trust. For the Holy Spirit to guide my inner thoughts and bring light to what is true.
  • I act out of trust. In who God is. In who my husband is. And move forward.

Connections photo 200x300 - Wifey Wednesday: When Your Past Hurts Impact Your Marital BattlesAlexandra Kuykendall spends her days wiping tears, bottoms and countertops and working for MOPS International (Mothers of Preschoolers). She and her husband Derek parent their four girls, ages 10 to 1, in Denver, CO. Her debut book, The Artist’s Daughter – A Memoir, was just released by Revell Books. You can connect with her in the following places:

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Alexandra is giving away two copies of her book, The Artist’s Daughter! Just enter the Rafflectoper giveaway below before next Tuesday
to win!

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Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post you’ve written in the linky below! And be sure to link back here on your blog, too, so that other people can read all these great entries!

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