It’s Wednesday, so it’s our day to talk about marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts, or leave a comment answering today’s question.
Today J from Hot, Holy and Humorous is guest posting for us! Here she talks about one of my favourite subjects: How sex is intimate on so many levels beyond just the physical:
Intimacy is a word often used by Christian authors and speakers regarding marriage and sexuality. Anytime you choose a word, you hope its meaning is agreed upon by both speaker and audience so that you can effectively convey an idea. Do we agree on what intimacy is?
The Merriam-Webster definition of intimate includes:
belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature;
marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity; and
of a very personal or private nature.
None of that specifically denotes sex.
Wives tend to focus on words like deepest, close, association, familiarity. Intimacy describes a connection they feel, or want to feel, with their husbands, which they can often get through conversation and affection.
Meanwhile, mention the word intimacy to husbands, and plenty of them hear boom-chicka-bow-wow in their heads. They immediately fixate on SEX. “Want intimacy, wife? Great! Here’s the bedroom!”
Who’s right? What is this elusive concept of intimacy? And what does it look like in a marriage?
Husbands and wives are describing different parts of the elephant. If you’re not familiar with that analogy, an Indian fable tells of six blind men who wanted to know what an elephant was. One man felt the elephant’s side and described it as a wall, another felt the tusk and declared it like a spear, yet another felt the trunk and said it was like a snake, one more felt the leg and swore it was like a tree, another felt its ear and claimed it was like a fan, and the final one felt its tail and said it was like a rope. They argued among themselves who was right.
They all were. They were each correct but simply failed to merge their images into one complete picture.
Like that elephant, intimacy can be described from different vantage points—mental, emotional, recreational, physical, spiritual and sexual. Regardless, intimacy is knowing someone at a deep level.
However, marital intimacy is special, in that it can include all of these perspectives.
In an ideal marriage, a couple shares their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions, happiness, and disappointments. They have a mental and emotional connection.
They spend time together doing things and touching affectionately so that they have recreational and physical connections.
They foster one another’s walk of faith, attending church and praying together, sharing their spiritual struggles and joys, and challenging each other toward greater closeness with God.
But while we can have intimate friendships with emotional or spiritual connection, it is only with one’s spouse that we are physically fully revealed and connected.
And while you can have a good marriage and be missing a component or two of those listed, if you want a GREAT marriage, you must nurture all of them, including sexuality. Moreover, sexuality can encompass in some respect all of the other forms of intimacy.
Mental:
Your minds are focused entirely on one another as you come together.
Emotional:
Your time together reflects your feelings of love and desire for one another.
Recreational:
Sexual encounters should be pleasurable and fun for both spouses.
Physical:
Marital sexuality requires physical effort and attention to physical arousal.
Spiritual:
Healthy sexuality in marriage becomes transcendent in some ways, as you experience a connectedness that is blessed by the Father himself.
So when you hear “marital intimacy”, I hope that you hear more than simply sex or connection because it goes beyond that. Marital intimacy involves a deep knowledge of your spouse in several areas, including the special area of sexuality.
How do you define intimacy in your marriage? Do you feel that sense of intimacy when you make love in your marriage? How does sexuality have a mental, emotional, recreational, physical, or spiritual component for you?
Thanks, J! J blogs at Hot, Holy, Humorous, where she tackles complicated issues in the bedroom with humour and grace.
Now, what thoughts do you have for us today? Enter the URL of a blog post you’ve written on marriage in the linky below, and then be sure to link back here so other people can read some great marriage thoughts!
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I really love that elephant analogy J! How many arguments and misunderstandings would be averted if spouses realized they desire the same thing, that they just need to merge their descriptions to make the complete picture?
While it’s not always easy (to merge descriptions), it’s the only place for greatness in marriage. Thanks for the encouragement J !
Thanks so much for having me, Sheila! I appreciate the comments too. I’d love to hear what others think about when they hear intimacy.
Love how you’ve worked through this “being intimate” with clarity and depth. Intimacy is one our buzz-words when writing on marriage, so I’ll just link back here to make sure everyone is on the same page about the definition! 🙂
Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships in life, as it involves all the facets of closeness and knowing one another that describe. Great post, J!
It is also important to keep in mind that sex is different to men and women. Men see sex in a totally different light. Men have a constant need, with women generally enjoying it as it comes, but not constantly thinking about it. And even when women think about it, they are visualizing sex with their own man.. Any normal looking, clean woman can walk up to just about any man and offer sex, and he will generally have a hard time resisting her, and many times accepting her offer.
Sex should be pleasurable for both partners.It is not always for women, that’ why women don’t want to have sex. It is too much of a performance for women, and they are the ones who most times won’t enjoy it. It is more awkward for women. Men have got to realize that the woman needs more than thrusting to orgasm. Sex generally is boring to women, because most men do not do what it takes to satisfy a woman.
Well, look at this! I was just suggesting via e-mail to Julie at Intimacy in Marriage that she should spend a post hashing out the definitions of this word and also getting a blogger’s definition of sex. If I had just spent a little more time cruising the Marriage Blogger neighborhood, I’d have found this one by another blogger I’ve been enjoying reading on the site of yet another I’ve enjoyed. Probably would have saved Julie reading a pretty wordy Email. Still would like the marriage blogger’s definition of sex, though.
Disappointed that all your other forms of intimacy were only related to the physical (read that: sexual) part of intimacy as if all the other aspects exist only to enhance the ultimate form–sexual. If/Since we are created in the image of God, it would seem to me that the spiritual aspect is the ultimate form of intimacy, even worship (John 4:23-24).