Last weekend I caused a bit of a hullabaloo by posting a Reader Question that said, “I’ve gained 25 pounds since we had kids, and now my husband doesn’t find me attractive. He wants me to be skinnier. He apologized for hurting me, but he frequently turns me down when I proposition sex. What should I do?”
There were some not very helpful comments left on that post, and I thought it was an important enough subject to revisit and post some of my thoughts! So here goes, in no particular order:
1. Don’t Mess Around with Your Spouse’s Confidence
Being attractive to your husband is HUGE. If your spouse tells you you’re not attractive, that’s devastating, and it’s hard to recover from. We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down. So this is something that is likely best to keep to yourself.
That being said, sometimes we do need to be honest. Let’s say your husband has gained a tremendous amount of weight and sex is now just plain uncomfortable (I like to be able to breathe, for instance). Or perhaps you have gained 150 pounds and he does find it difficult to become aroused just seeing you now.
How do you handle that?
Address the health issues. Be part of the solution–like cooking better meals, initiating walks after dinner, and finding active habits to enjoy. If your spouse is severely overweight, talk to him/her about how you don’t want him/her to die early, and you think that part of loving your spouse is taking care of yourself so you’re actually here to help raise the kids and see the grandkids and share old age with. But don’t make it into a “I don’t find you attractive” issue–or “you need to be skinnier” issue. In general, that’s not helpful.
2. The Onus is on the Husband to Delight in the Wife; not on the Wife To Make Herself Delectable
Proverbs 5:19 says,
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
It does not say, “Make sure YOUR breasts delight HIM”; it says to him, “delight in your wife.” Biblically, the onus is on the spouse to stay enthralled.
And that verse was directed at an older, married couple, too, where likely gravity had taken its toll!
3. That Being Said, We Are To Try To Delight Our Husbands
I believe that part of loving your man and helping your man is being as attractive as you can be. After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at and take delight in! So make sure you’re attractive to look at!
That does mean keeping in shape as much as is realistic. Watch what you eat. Incorporate as many active things into your life as possible. Eating well does not take any more time than eating poorly, and so it’s a blessing we can give our family and our husbands. Choosing to walk places or choosing to take up biking as a family are all good things that can help us keep our weight manageable.
But even if you’re not a size 2 (and very, very few of us are), you can still be attractive! Fight the frump everyday. Get dressed. Wear clothes that flatter (and you can do that even if you’re plus-sized!). So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like. If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him.
4. Let’s Not Forget the Main Thing
At the same time, let’s not forget the point of this life.
1 Timothy 4:8 says:
“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.”
So there’s nothing wrong with exercise; but let’s remember that our lives should not be about creating the perfect body at the expense of other things. I weigh about 22 pounds more today than I did when I was married. I walk a lot. I eat well. I exercise moderately. For me to get back to the weight I was when I was married would require a tremendous amount of effort. I’d have to be at the gym likely for about an hour and a half a day.
Is it worth it?
I don’t think so. I’m not saying exercising is bad; for many people, it’s their stress relief and their hobby, and that’s wonderful. But I have other hobbies. If I were to exercise for an hour and a half a day, that time would have to come from somewhere. Should I write this blog less? Should I stop writing my next book (or take about 3 times as long to write it?) Should I speak less? Should I homeschool my daughter less?
In other words, there are opportunity costs. And right now I think speaking and writing and spending time with my kids takes precedence over trying to look like I did when I was 20.
Now, if I were 250 pounds and this were a serious heath issue, then I’d feel differently. But we must weigh the costs, and not see the whole weight issue in a vacuum. When people tell someone, “just lose the weight”, you have to look at how difficult that would be, and whether it’s actually worth it. Much depends on the weight you’re starting at, and how realistic that target weight is.
So if you’re really hurting because your husband wants you to lose weight, think about it logically like this. Is it a health issue or not? Would it require a tremendous amount of effort? Is he only attracted to skinny women because he watches porn? Don’t immediately take on the guilt of gaining weight until you’ve put it in perspective.
5. Our Bodies Aren’t Supposed to Stay the Same
For someone to tell their spouse “I don’t find you attractive anymore because you don’t look like you did when we married” is a little harsh, because our bodies are not designed to stay the same. They are designed to slowly fall apart. That’s what aging is. After you have babies, you sag. You have stretch marks. You are bigger. You just ARE.
And as you age, you get moles. You get more hair growing on your upper lip and chin (where did THAT come from?!?!) Your veins start to stick out.
Your metabolism slows, and while you could eat a ton at 20 and stay 120 pounds, now you eat less and you’re 145. That’s what our bodies do.
Maturity means recognizing this and delighting in having a spouse to grow older with, not in expecting that person to stay 20.
6. We Put Way Too Much Emphasis on the Perfect Body
Sex is supposed to unite us in multiple ways–spiritually, physically, emotionally. The physical is only one. And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. We’ve cheapened sex.
Yes, the body is important, and yes, we need to do what we can to keep ourselves attractive to our husbands. But that does not mean looking like you’re 20 when you’re 35 and you’ve had 4 kids.
By the time you’re 35 and you’ve had 4 kids, sex should be about celebrating who you are together. It should be a way to relax. It should be a way to cement your relationship as you parent together. It should be about saying, “I’m still crazy about you.” It should be ALL of those things.
Unfortunately, in our pornographic society it’s all too easy to think that “sexy” means a certain body type. And when we constantly feed our minds with what those bodies look like, through consuming media or even porn, then it’s hard for our spouses to measure up.
We MUST fight against this.
If your spouse is telling you that you aren’t attractive and that they don’t find you sexy, then perhaps it’s time to sit down and have a big talk about what intimacy really is.
You can make a commitment to get healthy and to keep yourself attractive, but that’s only half the story. It’s also about recognizing that godly intimacy is a meeting of bodies AND souls, not just bodies. And if you say, “your body isn’t attractive, so I don’t want to make love”, you’re also basically rejecting the soul. God designed sex to help us feel like one SPIRITUALLY, not just PHYSICALLY. So if you say, “I physically don’t want to have sex with you,” you’re also saying, “I don’t want to feel like one with you.” That’s harsh. And it’s wrong. And it means that you’ve bought into a shallow version of sex.
My 31 Days to Great Sex book can help you work through this, because it shows us how sex can unite us spiritually and not just physically. And there are exercises to reclaim that part of your sex life. I also walk through several days where we talk about what to do when each other’s bodies aren’t as attractive as they once were. So if this is a struggle in your marriage, pick it up!
Weight is a really complex issue. I do think our marriages are worth the effort to look good, and to stay within a reasonable weight (definitely NOT what you were at 20, mind you!). Your spouse SHOULD matter to you, and making love is a huge part of marriage. Continuing to try to entice your spouse is a huge way of saying, “I care about you.”
Nevertheless, sex is best and most meaningful when it is not just about the body. Put too much emphasis there, and you buy into the world’s idea of sex. And that just cheapens it.
And that’s it–all my thoughts on the subject on what to do if your husband thinks you’re not attractive! I think I’ll keep putting up Reader Questions once a week, but I’ll answer them instead and set the tone. A number of you have said you appreciated the feature, so I’ll keep it up there. I think if I set the tone, the chance of the comments becoming too outrageous is a lot lower.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, you completely hit the nail on the head with this one. I love your take on it. If you set the tone with an answer like this with the reader questions, I think there definitely won’t be discord. How can one argue against the points you made here? 🙂 Thanks! This definitely made me see things in a clearer light. You said everything perfectly.
My partner has said to me that l should have larger breasts so that l am better propotioned. He also said recently that l used to be hot. I have tried to forget what he has said however he recently said to his 30 plus Daughter that she looked hot. It was like a knife in my heart. I don’t want to be close to him anymore.
I understand how you feel, my husband told me last nite that I getting so fat ,that he doesn’t want to be seen with me out,and when he noticed that I was hurt he said that he was jokeing, but I felt crushed,
I have always been a big girl and I struggle badly to lose weight and keep it off, I have done so many fad diets trying to lose the weight that I mucked up my metabolism and I pilled on weight when it seemed like I was half starving myself to try a shift the pounds, I have finerly decided to go for gastric bypass surgery, ,I have been so low lately and depressed, that when he said that last night ,it just hit the nail on the head ,talk about Kick me when down,we have been married 20 years ,and I dont know how I would ever be the same with him ,how I dont know,I feel pretty broken to say the lest,I know I need to loss weight ,but I dont have a magic wand ever
My husband has been telling me samething im fat and gross .to top off he points out how great he looks and even has called me fat and gross in public today that hurt bad .i know i gained wieght but i just dont think its something i can forget even if i lose wieght.i cant picture life without him but what is a life with someone who sees you like that it takes all sex away id be to enbarrassed to let him see me naked now knowing how. He sees me im confused need find way to get strength to walk away maybe
I agree Jenny, this is the best article I’ve read on this topic. It can be incredibly hurtful when your soulmate doesn’t find you attractive, but there are other ways to spark attraction. Not sure if links are allowed (Mods delete if not) – but Amy North has some brilliant tips in her devotion method which you can find at: http://www.devotionmethod.info – It’s about making your husband realise why he fell in love with you to begin with. We all get married knowing that one day we will be old and wrinkly. That should never mean that you love your soul mate any less.
Angela most guys who talk like that to their wife like the way your husband call you it 9x out of 10 it’s him who got issue about him self my step brother after his long term wife ran off with a very young man he call Al us guy in the family & caught I’m trying it on with my ex-wife who he told so you rather be with him than some one like me a end up hitting I’m because he spend every spur minute put down anyone or every one told him don’t take it out on any one just because it you who got issue No1 els sorry to go regardless how you look he sounds like he got no respect for you or your feelings take don’t let get you down I don’t even know you & I bet even with a bit of weight bet your still beautiful
I would have to agree!! I needed to find your advice as I’ve been struggling with nearly everything here. A big thank you!!!
In Jewish law it is forbidden not only to look at nude women but even at your own nude wife. REASON GIVEN FOR THIS is funnily enough “live thy neighbor as you love thyself”. The simole meaning is that even though early on she may be attractive, physically she will most definitely lose her external beauty. So in order to continue loving her she should bw concealed from the getgo. Another way is to understand rgar as you love yourself regardless of your bodily appearance, you should do the same for your partner
My husband married me and I always have been on the big size he knew I was big and he married me married almost two years and he tells me I’m fat we do have sex but it’s part of the reason he don’t have sex a lot it’s hurts to hear.. I have been trying to diet but after I lost 12 lbs I can’t seem to loose anymore I’m afraid he will find someone else and leave me I have more insecurities now then I used to I just want him to look at me like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world to him he is even comfortable saying other girls out there is prettier then me he doesn’t say that stuff real hateful but it hurts so much 💔 What do I do?
I agree thank you !as a man, that you were matter a fact in your view. No sugar coating . A woman needs to feel desired by her husband…a wink from across the room…a note in her shoe…a pinch on her booty ? All ok and we need these things …but mist of all we need touch intamacy from your hands to our body is key…..thanks for the article….a new follower.
what if your husband is ugly and fat? it goes two ways.. LOL
just saying… 😉
I hope you can help me. My problem is the same; yet almost opposite. I’m too skinny, and after nursing 3 babies, my breasts barely protrude past my ribs. I don’t even find into an A. In order to feel like a woman when wearing clothes, I wear mastectomy bras. I feel great shame in this, and when my husband watches me dress, I feel like Robbin Williams when he wore the female anatomical suit in Mrs. Doubtfire. 😉
It’s a great shame I carry, and it’s worsened by the fact that my husband only wants sex once-twice a month; he doesn’t like looking at my body/ breasts; he doesn’t like complimenting my body/ breasts; nor does he like touching them, except maybe in the heat of sex, which can make people do all sorts of crazy things. It’s never said in regular everyday togetherness. When he does (very rarely), i can feel and see the discomfort in his voice and demeanor. Which makes me even more ashamed, because its also only after I’ve told him I don’t feel loved when he doesn’t look at or compliment me. The only genuine compliment he ever gave me (on his own volition) was when we were dating: “You look hot. You look like Angela Jolie!” I assure you, I look absolutely nothing like the woman. Never again was he excited (or proud) about me, on his own.
I can’t change him and his biology. And except for surgery, I can’t change my body. What does God say to this? What do I do to move on and make the most of this marriage? We just “celebrated” 10 years this January, and we’re both in a rocky place. What do you do when you look more like a girl than a woman? I’m tired of acting disgracefully by nearly begging my husband to show desire. I need to mentally move on from this, but I want to honor God and I don’t know how. Please help.
Awesome roundup.
I don’t understand some of those other comments. I find my wife more attractive now than ever, despite having given birth to 4 children (including 1 c-section and one breach delivery), stretchmarks, scars and all. Despite the fact that she looks very tired these days from being up with a teething baby while continuing to home-school our children.
So often, I just look at her and think: How did I get so lucky, not only is she smart, but she’s gorgeous! What did I do to deserve this?
And besides, I’m the one in the marriage that needs to lose the most weight.
Man! You have one lucky wife! That’s awesome!
Wow! I know this is an old post but I had to comment on what you said Jay Dee. my husband just told me tonight he was not physically attracted to me. Your wife is SO blessed to have you
It is time to move on! Regardless of the circumstances, whether you have children with this man, investments and what not, you need to save yourself. His comment may seem innocent and simple at first, but it may and will leave tremendous amount of side effects on yourself. You will not only emotionally hurt, but you will also lose all of your confidence which comes with other side effects of its own. He is a JERK and he definitely does not deserve you!
Ouch, Gina. That seems like very harsh advice for what little was written by the poster. Not everyone reacts to criticism the same, and just because a spouse says that physical attraction is no longer there (and yes, many women say it to their husbands as well), does not automatically mean that things will get worse as time goes on, or that the comment will lead to a complete collapse of someone’s self esteem. I’m not sure what axe you are trying to grind here, but your advice seems unbiblical and premature for what was shared.
I think she has a point though. To tell your wife you are not attracted to her any more is a cruel thing to say. I know they get a few wrinkles but so do we. It is a terrible thing to say to one’s wife. How do you get back from there? The natural thing is that we will both age and we have to keep love alive regardless.
Tony – we are not talking about a few wrinkles. I personally do not hear many men complaining about the normal aging process in their spouse. A few wrinkles or stretch marks is a normal, healthy part of aging, but 30 a pound weight gain is not short of a medical condition. I see many, many women (and men) that respect themselves and their spouses enough to keep themselves attractive whatever season they are in in life.
Let’s be careful not to confuse the normal aging process we all go through with the attractiveness (or lack therof) being discussed in this thread.
So how does a woman bounce back from this comment from her husband? What am I to do? I love him and we have a wonderful toddler. How can I get over the insecurities this comment had brought?
My husband masterbates and we do not have sex I’ve mentioned I would like to be invited to help and that I’m jealous and Deering a very long session he was having 9th while trying to go to sleep I brought it up again and he screamed cussed and yelled how I attractive enough for him to orgasm that he had no desire to have sex with me and he didn’t care how I felt he just wanted to go to bed and make sure could take care of getting our daughter to school in the morning it was loud it was mean my son he’s 22 and goes to school so he lives with us told me this morning that we were loud loud I just told him I didn’t want to talk about it I am lost this is a nightmare he is was I don’t know my best friend he told me I was being abusive before trying to keep him from masturbating because of my emotions I know what this is I know what relationship I’m in now I’m a stay-at-home this is my second marriage why and how can this be okay
Hi there,
What your husband is doing is definitely not okay, and I’ve got another post on masturbation in marriage that I think may shed some more light on this. I’m so sorry!
Funny because my husband says I am unattractive and fat but he is fat himself! Where you draw the line?..I said fine you withholding sex and everything so I will get in shape but hope you too tubby…because now for better or for worse vows are shifted
JOHN, YES!!!
“John on April 1, 2016 at 8:25 pm
Tony – we are not talking about a few wrinkles. I personally do not hear many men complaining about the normal aging process in their spouse. A few wrinkles or stretch marks is a normal, healthy part of aging, but 30 a pound weight gain is not short of a medical condition. I see many, many women (and men) that respect themselves and their spouses enough to keep themselves attractive whatever season they are in in life.
Let’s be careful not to confuse the normal aging process we all go through with the attractiveness (or lack therof) being discussed in this thread.”
My partner said to me that l used to be hot. Now l just feel really sad and think that he’s shallow. He has also said in the past that my breasts were not right. That l wasn’t in proportion. He is quite overweight and has a big tummy. This has stopped me from having an orgasm as l come on top, with the pressure on my clitoris. As a result l have had one orgasm in over a year. M
I dont what to say. You have to put in the work. My husband loves my long nails , implants, heels and French pedicures. These are small sacrifices to keep our men happy. It’s the least we can do. And it makes me feel sexy and wanted. Win win situation.
Gina…i know ur post was a while back but VERY ENCOURAGING!!! You are absolutely right! No woman deserves a man like that. What you said helps the woman who was hurt to understand that she deserves better. One reader thought what you said was harsh. But I disagree! We as women need all the encouragement we can get in a situation like this. I am a big woman as well. And I know a family member who is dealing with the same situation. For a husband to say I’m not attracted to you is very hurtful. Men know that we are emotional creatures. So why say something to lower our self-esteem. One thing about me is that I am an extremely confident woman. And I always tell my niece in training… You should never want to be with someone … Who does not want to be with you! I am determined to keep that motto. I am not married yet but when I do get married I want to make sure that is the first thing to address. Ladies I don’t care how much you love this man or are in love with him… if he is not in love with you he will not respect you, he will take advantage of you, and he will treat you badly. You must First Love Yourself inside and out. Like I told my sisters a long time ago.. this is only one man who may say you’re not attractive. But you must think about all the other men in the world who think you are attractive. And if you have dated before. Think about the other guys who found you attractive. Don’t let one man take the opinion of all men. There are billions of men in the world and he is not the king of the castle. I find that some men who think they’re all that and tells his woman she’s not attractive is not all that himself. Remember that love is in the eyes of the beholder.
I completely agree. Biblical or not, I don’t think it’s fair that we as women have to objectify ourselves to meet the standards our so called husbands desire which usually meets the standard of a pornstar. Meanwhile, he can gain weight, go bald, have bowl issues and treat us like we are not up to par? No thanks. Unacceptable. Have respect for yourself ladies. Don’t put up with this. If he doesn’t approve of your true beauty, then move on! And one more thing, his negative comments are just a reflection of his poor self image. Pity the fool.
I could only dream my husband thinking this way about me, let alone telling me! :'(
I have the opposite story, my husband is attracted to teenage girls and pictures of me when I was younger, not me now after I’ve given him two kids and been a loving and supportive partner.
That’s very unsettling, Lucky. And definitely a red flag. Have you determined if there’s porn use involved, because when someone fixates on girls of a particular age/race, it’s often because of porn. And teenage porn IS child porn, and IS illegal. I’d just make sure that that wasn’t going on. I’m sorry for being such a downer, but this can be very serious and really does need to be dealt with.
She is lucky. I know. It’s so hurtful… I can’t stand looking at you. All I think about is how fat you are. Our life we’ve shared don’t matter. The fact I had our 5 kids or took the deproprovera birth control shot that made me gain weight which was against the Drs. Advice just so I would not have another baby from intercourse with him. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Not even all the care I’ve given him or that I have spent my life working for him doing whatever he asks of me. I am going at this with a positive attitude. He’s right. I’m happy and will celebrate my weightloss. He better treat me better then. 33 years. 30 lbs over average weight for my height and age.
?
I’m 25 and my husband told me he no longer finds me attractive. We don’t have kids.
Those words really hurt, I can no longer fight
Bravo! It’s so rare BUT so wonderful to see that there are still truly dedicated husbands who love the wife of their youth. I have been blessed with a husband that loves me just as much today, if not more, than he did 100lbs ago. Haha. Two years into our marriage I had to take a life saving drug that caused me to gain 100+lbs in less than 4 months! That was 26 years ago and tho I have not been able to lose the weight, my husband has been right by my side, making me feel loved for nearly 30 years.
Your a good man. Your wife is lucky that you love her no matter what
I love this! I have always struggled with my weight, since I was a teenager, and I am finally starting to lose some of it, two kids later. Not because my husband wants me to, but because I want to! I am the one who is constantly worried that I won’t be attractive enough.
My wife has the same concerns and nothing I do seems to be able to dissuade her. It took her many years to stop hiding her body from me. She doesn’t seem to be shy/ashamed being naked in front of me now, but she still doesn’t see how I can find her attractive. I can’t speak for your husband, but most husbands I talk to are still absolutely enthralled with their wife’s body, and I don’t know any models…
I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t help but cringe a little. Weight is not usually as simple as spending more time at the gym. There can be complex emotional issues to deal with. I pray that the 250 pound women reading this will take it in the spirit in which it was intended, and not as a discouragement.
You are right. Excess weight can be very complex to deal with. I’m nearly 100 pounds overweight. But after much reading and research and realizing the medical field doesn’t know everything about the human body and is actually wrong about cause of obesity, I’ve changed my focus: now I want a healthy body, whether it is skinny or fat. The reality is that many skinny people are not healthy, and many fat people are. (And also the reverse, I get that too.) I’m blessed. My husband still finds me attractive, beautiful, even. He is absolutely supportive in helping me with my health, and not worrying about the weight.
Husband pressuring a wife to loose weight isn’t going to help. Neither will telling her she’s unattractive. Supporting her and loving her through this, well, that’s priceless. That is what the wedding vows were about.
Amen! Well put.
Sheila, I just saw your note on Facebook about negative comments and I really hope I didn’t hurt your feelings with what I said this morning about cringing a little. Weight is such a sensitive issue and I knew that if you had put my number in there as one to be concerned about (instead of the 250), I would have been devastated by that – not because of what my husband thinks, but because I have trouble seeing myself as attractive. After reading the other comments, I see I am not the only one who struggles with this. I re-read the post again tonight ignoring the number and it sounds totally fine – really balanced and encouraging. It’s funny how certain things can cause such hangups. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and really appreciate your ministry. For every time I comment in a way that (I hope) is a polite disagreement, there are at least 10 other positive comments elsewhere on other posts.
Oh, no, not at all! I was talking about a different thread! I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, too.
About five (5) years after marriage my husband told me he was not sexually attracted to me, now I already new this but he would never admit it before. He always told me I was insecure, exaggerating, overreacting, ect. I tried all kinds of things to they to spark some desire, but nothing worked, one time I bought a super cute nightie, he just laughed at what I was wearing., the only time he would touch me is when he was about to leave for three Months or longer or if he has come back from a three month trip. But other than that he never touched me. I tried everything to get his attention. I never looked like I did when we married after getting pregnant but I tried. It has been 15yrs… What can I do? He once told me once that maybe if I could wear more makeup that might help. It didn’t! And I just felt worst. I’m 42 now, Is there any hope that he is just going to feel 180* different anytime soon? Or should I cut my losses and try to make a new life? Please all opinions are appreciated. Take care.
I know this post was awhile back, but my husband told me today he has not been attracted to me for the last 3 years. That we have intimacy when he physically really needs it or when he’s distracted from my weight. I was 120 when we met 14 years ago I am now 200 I know I’m fat and working on it, but I have lots of curves and feel I carry it well. We just had our third son through C-sections after 2 miscarriages one was at 5mths pregnant. My 3 questions are 1)How do I have intimacy when I know he’s not attracted to me, should I suffer through it or stay celibate until I lose the weight? 2) How do I get over and accept that after all these years and tribulations his attraction to me is so shallow and superficial? 3)Should I forgive and even want to be with someone whose attraction to me is mainly physical and superficial?This has made me lose respect for him, because he is also fat, older than me with grey hair, acne, yellowy teeth, bad feet etc.. and I still find him attractive! If he was burned, amputated ect. I would still be attracted to him because my love for him transcends the physical. Why doesn’t his?!
I’m in very similar situation.. I’m ten years younger than hubby, have three kids and married 10 years.. He was never really attracted to me from the start but has now become unbareable.. I resent him more and more and now we constantly fight..
I have tried loosing weight and even at my lightest nothing changed.,
I don’t know what the answer is but find some comfort in knowing there are other women experiencing the same thing.. I hear my friends constantly whinge about their hubbies harassing them for sex and my stomach turns, knowing I’ve been begging for it for 10 years..
It is not complex, emotional or any other nonsense. It only became complex and emotional in the last generation or two. Being overweight is a result of overeating junk. It is a choice of pleasing activities, eating the cupcake, or pleasing results, being thin and not eating the cupcake.
This is not true. I have cut all junk out of my house. No pop (though I do splurge on the rare occasion we eat out). I try to buy healthy, whole foods. I try to avoid chemical laden processed foods. I don’t even buy juice, because of its sugar content. I drink coffee or water. I eat what my children eat. I do not feed them junk, and I don’t want it in my house. And yet, I have put on even more weight over the last 6 months. I can attribute it immediately to two things, though there may be other factors: Stress and inactivity. And why? Because I lost my job and I’ve been spending the last 6 months studying 6 to 8 hours a day to earn a license required to get re-employed. It’s not always a matter of “junk”. My husband has put on weight as well, and it’s not because of what he eats. We’ve narrowed it down to stress and his lack of sleep. (He works night shift) Stages of life come and go, and we have to try to live as healthy as possible within those stages. I pray that when this time of raising young children with very little money, and very little free time, changes- hopefully my habits will change as well. Lets also not forget that hormones play a huge role in weight- and our food supply is riddled with growth hormones. It starts with making a conscious effort to live a healthy lifestyle, but it doesn’t happen overnight.
That being said, my husband rejects me and has rejected me for years. Is it my weight? Possibly. I have to be willing to accept that. But he is sinning by refusing to meet a need that only a husband can fulfill. And in doing so, he opens the door to temptation. The hardest thing to learn in all of this is learning to rely on God and trust Him. I have to remind myself daily to take my thoughts captive, and not let the hurt and rejection become my focus. It is hard. It’s more than hard- it’s painful, devastating, tormenting. And trying to “make” myself attractive when I feel so bad is a tall order- and a daily struggle. So before accusing an overweight person of eating too much junk, take a hard look at yourself and ask God if you are being judgmental or unloving in your way of thinking. I guarantee if you take the log out of your eye first, you will see more to the story.
Hi. You also need to check your blood type. A recent study showed each blood type needs a different food choice. I’m an A blood type I need low carb lots of veggies and smaller amounts of protein and fruits. My husband needs high protein high carb low veggies and fruit.! Also your body type a pear shape, jour glass and apple top need different diets.
If there is a bit of mystery as to why you could be still gaining weight even though you are eating healthy etc… Have your doctor check your thyroid function. It has a major effect on your metabolism as well as many other things. Some of those things contribute to self image and emotional well being. Believe it or not, you can be more susceptible to depression with hypothyroidism. I don’t mean toturnthis into a medical deal but if weight problems are causing strife in the marriage, maybe having a medical reason why they are happening would help your husband be more empathetic. He might then see that dispite your best efforts to lose weight there is a medical reason why it didn’t work before. When the thyroid levels get handled with meds, you can possibly get better results in your quest to get physically healthier. It isn’t a magic pill and it will still take time to lose weight but if you are diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and then you find the right dose of meds (after some trial and error) it takes time to find your correct dose and sometimes it fluctuates. Good luck. Not even sure you will see this post but….
Hi Charles,
okay lets say your theory is right, relationships set out and the two people feel safe and they delight in things they love together, usually foods they love and snuggling. This is where the initial weight starts to get put on. Now what happens next is important, if people start rejecting each other at this point or dropping not so subtle comments, one might reach for these junk foods for comfort, and a snowball effect begins.
On the other hand if people aren’t so hung up on it, maybe no one will really notice those few pounds and they will come and go as they go along their marry way.
The moment you put into question your affection for the other, things start to unwind. These should be but are often missed red flags that your guy might be a loser, and instead women start to worry about if they are good enough, and that happy woman you knew starts to be filled with doubt, resentment and the happiness is replaced with neurosis. Then it’s about making herself feel better and what better than junk food, your lucky if she doesn’t turn to alcohol, cause that could become much worse than a few pounds. So yes junk food is a culprit, but the underlying emotional health comes first, her sense of safety. No one feels safe if their future hangs in the balance of a few pounds.
I’ll take a run at your comment, Paula.
Just like so many things in life, I think we get a better understanding of things when we take time to look at them from the other person’s perspective.
Let’s say there is a couple….we’ll call them Dick and Jane.
Dick and Jane get married and everything seems to be going well, until Jane starts noticing something that bugs her. Dick is starting to neglect his personal hygiene. She tries not to let it bother her too much, but she honestly does not care for it. She mentions it to her husband subtly, but he gets defensive and tells her he just enjoys being “himself” in their marriage. He even admits that he never really liked showering or brushing his teeth, but did it for her when they were dating and engaged because it was important to her. Now that they are married, he is just more comfortable this way. Besides, people naturally get smellier as time goes on. Isn’t their marriage deeper than some clouds of BO and halitosis?
Dick feels hurt by Jane’s comments. He confides in his friend Bob about it: “Why can’t she just love me the way I am? I feel like I am just an object to her. It doesn’t seem like she really loves me for who I am on the inside, only for how I smell or how clean my teeth are”. Bob tells him he feels his pain….too bad he did not know that sooner. Bob mentioned if he found out a woman did not like bad breath or BO, it would be a huge red flag for him, and he would avoid the “loser”. Only shallow women focus on those things. Dick even confides he has been so hurt that he has delayed going to bed so he does not have to see her. He has even been golfing and playing video games more to get “away”. Yes, his family is being neglected, but those things are his only comfort. He feels more and more frustrated every time she makes a subtle comment about him showering “sometime this week”, or maybe brushing his teeth. “She should love me no matter what….for who I am inside!!” he barks back. Bob reiterates how shallow Jane is, and encourages Dick that he should only start taking care of his personal hygiene for himself, not for anyone else.
Jane, on the other hand, has been confiding in her friend Rose. She tells Rose: “It’s not like I hate the awful body odor and bad breath as much as the lack of respect it shows me. It would be one thing if the doctor diagnosed him with a gland problem that caused these issues, or even if he showered daily and brushed his teeth a few times a week to try to address it. But he does nothing. He claims I should love him for who he is, and says I have just been brainwashed by all of the advertisements about clean shaven men with good breath who use deodorant”. She feels bad not as much about the smell itself, but the fact of what it represents about the relationship. Jane stands by her commitment to love “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”, but does not understand why Dick constantly beats her over the head with that vow when he seems to give no regard to his commitment to “love, honor, and respect”. How can he respect her at all by letting himself go like that? Rose can see where she is coming from. She agrees, but warns Jane to tread carefully. There is an unwritten rule that men are very sensitive about personal hygiene, and bringing it up will most likely go very badly.
Rose, herself single, is reminded why she is so careful who she dates. It is not so much that she hates BO and bad breath, but it is the fact that once she commits to someone, she will be branded by her husband and all of his friends as a shallow and superficial loser if she EVER brings it up. She, and almost all women, are naturally attracted to men who brush their teeth, shower, and use deodorant. Yet somehow this natural attraction has been twisted by the male gender into some horrible brainwashing by society and the media that they should be ashamed of. She still chuckles why men on dating sites get so frustrated with women who subtly or directly make it known they are only interested in dating those with good hygiene habits. Yes, we all naturally start to smell as we age, and some people even have medical issues that make it very difficult to smell good. But she knows tons of older men who still smell great at their age and have clean teeth by making an effort.
As satirical as this reads, I can’t help but think how hypocritical it sounds when the tables are turned.
I, for one, do feel for many of the predicaments women have shared on this thread. Some guys are jerks and losers……and some women are too. There has to be a balance between the needs of each partner. The women who say “any man who brings up my weight and does not love me for who I am on the inside alone is a loser and not worth my time” are just as deluded as the men who think they “deserve” a super-model. Hate to break it to you, but the men who will physically desire you “no matter what I weigh, even if I put no effort in” (assuming no mitigating factors like having a medical condition, etc.) are as rare as the women who are down to their wedding weight 6 weeks post-partum. They exist, but chances are you are not married to one.
This whole feminist mantra of deserving to be desired no matter what one weighs, and that men must love me no matter how I let myself go has been successful in keeping married men in-line to a certain extent. However, I have seen it spoil the well for the next generation of women coming up, as the son’s of these men are reading the scoreboard and realizing they have to get it right the first time. This is as much of a reason as porn and the media for the difficulty overweight women have in dating/marriage, from what I have seen.
As I have stated before, when I look around at the chronically single women in our church, where I work, and among friends, either never married or divorced, the most common factor between them is excessive weight. Granted, I also know overweight women who are in seemingly happy and content marriages, but the issue is that waistlines have expanded at a much greater rate than the historically limited number of men who have found that particular aspect of a person something they are willing to live with.
It is not about eating junk I started gaining weight after having my first pregnancy and I continued gaining till I had my baby now my baby is 4 and I haven’t gone back to my initial weight in Africa people don’t eat too much junk like the western world there is much organic food here now my husband said I am not attractive anymore and he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore because he is sure i am going to get bigger if I have another baby that if I could get this big after one child he is scared of how i will be when i am pregnant again.i am just 25 and i am 220 pounds now from 121 pounds and now I wonder what awaits me in 10 years time if I am already going through this phase.
I totally agree! Just because a woman is overweight, does not mean she is not healthy. I know and have seen thinner less over weight women in worse health and worse shape than heavier set women. I work in the medical field and I have seen all health types with all body types. I am in great health, but am over weight. Yet, my thighs are more tight than some skinny women I have met.
The first step for your partner/significant other loving every curve on your beautiful body is YOU loving every inch. I’ve always been a thick girl and I have internally fought myself with my self-esteem. The only way for it to ever end well is for you to truly love yourself.
If you are gaining weight, keep nutrition foremost, cut calories until you maintain weight. That is your Base Metabolic Calorie level. Except for very rare disorders, or very rare high levels of fitness, this rarely changes. Be grateful! Now, reduce 100 to 200 calories per day and hold firm. Hold firm. Hold firm. Any issues you face holding firm, take to a counselor. You probably have issues to work through. It’s okay! So many people need support and encouragement. God bless you and give you the strength to hold firm.
“A very little is sufficient for a man well nurtured.” – Ecclesiasticus 31:20
AnyMore, you probably won’t see this but in case anyone else is in your situation, please consider trying an exercise and wellness program called T-Tapp. Developed by a woman named Teresa Tapp, it has helped many women lose excess body fat, balance their hormones, develop long lean muscles, and tighten and firm their skin in as little as 20 minutes a day. It sounds too good to be true but Teresa Tapp gives all the credit to God for creating our bodies so marvelously. It’s not an MLM or a shake plan or anything like that. You can see if your library has her book, “Fit and Fabulous in Fifteen Minutes.” I’m sure that trying to lose 100 lbs seems overwhelming but you really can do it!
The Bible commands us to “render due benevolence” and not to deprive each other so either spouse who is depriving the other of sex is going against God’s clear command.
Sheila, LOVE this! This is why I love this blog. You are so right on in your answers, and advice.
My husband has gained a great deal of weight this winter, I am more concerned for his health, but I am still as attracted to him as ever. Because I am attracted to his heart, first and foremost.
His porn addiction that was disclosed years ago,(and since then being kept under control) has left me with scars that I struggle with…feelings of insecurity and all of that that goes with it…even though he tells me he finds me so beautiful, it is still a struggle.
I love what you wrote here, it is so perfect for what I need to hear, and share with my husband.
I understand completely. My husband said something terrible to me a year ago. I won’t go I to details but it was cruel. He was stressed he says. His words were a gift I realize because it allowed me to grieve and prepare if if words were more than just words.
He masturbated all the time. We have sex still but rarely vs intercourse. I know he doesn’t find me attractive. Four years ago I was 50 lbs lighter. I didn’t work and worked out a lot. We moved. To be close to his parents. I was the sole breadwinner. I continued to everything . We do have children. After tjree months of him just playing video games he is 45 by the way. He started at home job. When he spoke those cruel words I had taken a week vacation , at home doing chores, before also ttaking a job , same type and from home. He was jealous I was off and he haf to work.I
My issue is do I lose the weight. He finds me attractive again. He is 50 lbs overweight also but I still find him sexy, but I am going to get older. I am 43 after all. Or do I stay fat let him leave and find someone who loves me. I feel if I find someone who loves me the way i am they will love me as I age. When I lose the weight I won’t have to wonder about getting older and being loved. If I lose weight now and decide to kick him to the curb how will I be sure the next man won’t be the same way? It is something I am dealing with. My answer on if he is going to stay will be answered when my daughter leaves for college in a year. I also own property that he can’t touvh. I want to sell it but not if he is going to leave.
I feel like I am just waiting . Like I am on hold.
I have a job that I can support myself and if he leaves financial ly fine enough where I could have a house husband as long as he actually cleaned, mowed the lawn and cooked. My husband does none of those. Of course I now feel like nothing matters to men but the outside.
I am not ugly. Plenty of other men flirt with with me. It just not having someone you have Bern with for 23 years is not one of them hurts. Really not sure what to do? I don’t nag him and takr care of everything that would cause him stress. Oh another thing wr have combined account s but he gets and attitude attitude I don’t pay
Sometimes I cry about it other times I want to kick him to the curb.
The only thing I am sure sbout is he ever says he is leaving I have a Uhaul on speed dial.
Love. <3 As a couple who is recovering from my husband's porn addiction, we have really struggled with this… Thank you.
I really appreciate the balance in this. We should both be trying to delight our spouse and we should both be delighting in our spouse. We are also to be good stewards of everything God has given us, including our bodies, and I think it’s important to do what we can to stay healthy, without it becoming an idol. I remember a lesson in a Beth Moore Bible study (forget which one) where she talked about weight. She gave the example of a woman who used to be a size 2, but her body changed over the years with some health issues and she found herself at a 16 (or something). The woman talked about how the “perfect number” for her was wherever she could live life without being obsessed either way. If she wanted to be a size 2/4 again, she would have to be obsessive about exercising and eating. But if she allowed herself to stay a 16, then she knew that for her, that meant she had become obsessive about eating too much and slacking on exercising. So the perfect number for her was somewhere around an 8/10…she could exercise a reasonable amount to stay healthy, but also enjoy food in a disciplined moderate way.
Elizabeth, that’s really interesting what Beth Moore says, and makes perfect sense. I love it!
That is great! Love it. It is sometimes hard to find a balance between idolization and carelessness.
I didn’t find my husband attractive when we met. I offended his mother by admitting this.
I did not find him physically attractive then, so I fell in love with HIM, and it was at first sight. There was a connection that I cannot explain, and for me, it was not at all physical. He was the exact opposite of my “dream man” (whom I would never have been able to talk to because I would have felt too self-conscious, shy and awkward). I loved who he was on the inside rather than the shell that would change over the years, anyway. He was already balding at 22 years of age. No surprises there!
Now, he knocks my socks off and I think he is the most handsome man ever, though he is overweight (I do not even register this when I look at him). During intimate times, we both feel young, fit and attractive. Go figure. It’s God at work.
Maybe because of this, I cannot fathom finding my husband unattractive now. NOW is the time that love is blind — not to the personality quirks or the irksome habits, but to the exterior that means nothing in the scheme of marriage relationships.
It is definitely what’s inside that counts.
I felt the same way about my husband when we first met. I was attracted to him, not his looks. Over time and getting to know him better, he’s become incredibly attractive to me – to the point where I can’t imagine that I didn’t feel that way before! Since that turning point, he’s also lost 55 pounds of excess weight. What a hottie!
I know you kinda talked about it, but I think our attitude makes us attractive or not attractive just as much as weight. Granted, men will first be drawn to the physical (that’s the way they are), but as wives, we need to make sure we are edifying and building them up, not tearing them down. If we are always being disrespectful with our words and actions and always belittling them or trying to boss them, that’s pretty darn unattractive.
I guess I’m just speaking from my experience in my own marriage when my husband told me I was unattractive. Oh,it hurt! But there was truth to it. I lost 18 pounds as well realizing that just as much (if not more) was that my attitude towards him was just plain ugly. All he could see when he looked at me was the woman who was belittling him and frankly being a witch. I changed that and oddly enough, despite still being overweight, he says all the time now he finds me attractive.
I think you nailed it.
It’s your attitude towards your husband that can make the difference. Sometimes I think men don’t understand why our wives are not as attractive and blame weight. But it’s our wife’s heart that we really want.
I am literally crying as I read this. I KNOW that my body isn’t what it was when we married. I LIVE in this body everyday. I have never told my husband that he is unattractive. Even though he could stand to tone up some himself. I have always tried to make him feel desired and wanted sexually. I have gained 100 lbs in the 19 years we have been together. Some when I quit smoking (because he told me he didn’t want to have sex with me because I stunk). Some after each of our three children were born. And some since I had to begin some rather unpleasant medications for a diagnosed RA. YES, I fully take responsibility for the weight gain. Depression and other things are definitely a factor in the weight gain. After I quit smoking, he still continually refused to have sex when I tried to initiate. We may have had sex 6 times in the last 10 years. And each time I tried to initiate it, he would tell me that I was unattractive and he didn’t want to. The last time I tried to have sex with him, he pushed me away and said that he just didn’t find me attractive and would prefer if I just left it alone. So, I no longer initiate anything. I sleep on my side of the bed and he sleeps on his. I guess I should be grateful he at least still sleeps in the same room. But it hurts my heart, every single day. Cause I know that this is not all about the physical aspect.
I am so sorry, Michelle. Your husband is choosing to be an unloving person 🙁 Do you have anyone to talk to about all this? If not, New Life Live is a great resource http://newlife.com/. I am praying God, who loves you just the way you are, surrounds you with help so that both you and your husband can love each other better.
Oh, Michelle, I’m so, so sorry. I’d really encourage you to get some counseling or some help, because this isn’t all right. I wrote a post about that a while ago here: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/01/wifey-wednesday-are-you-a-spouse-or-an-enabler/.
Your husband is not doing right by you if he is refusing you and pushing you away. And I’d really encourage you both to sit down and talk this through, because God wants so much more for you–and He really wants you to feel intimate, not rejected.
Prayers for you,
Sheila.
Hi Shiela,
Not sure if you’re still getting comments and responses to a blog that’s 3 years old, but I did a Google search and it came up!
My issue is the same as you blogged about, with a slight twist. We’ve been married for 27 years, and except for the no sex of the last 7 years, we have a really great relationship. He’s a kind man, intelligent, supportive, a great dad to our three kids, helpful son, and terrific listener.
7 years ago I write him a 9 page letter about what was bothering me – our lack of intimacy. We talked about it in a calm way, and he admired he does not find me attractive. IM not talking about normal aging, He has aged as well – gray and thinning hair, a slightly expanding waistline, lines of experience. I’m saying that I am 60 pounds overweight and I have pushed his limits of what he finds attractive in me. I’ve lost 25 pounds I the last year and a half, so when I say I’m 60 pounds overweight, I mean from that point, not my weight when I was 20.
He says he still loves me. He loves my creativity, commitment to my job as a teacher, my sense of humor, fun living attitude. But he just cannot find me attractive anymore. My weight has super ended all my other attributes.
If I were to turn the tables and he was 60 pounds overweight (and I mean 60 pounds over the normal weight a 55 year old man should be, not 60 pounds past his weight at 20),would I still find him attractive? I think I would, but it’s possible I might not. I wouldn’t love him any less, but sex us physical, no matter what anyone says. As my husband stated, it’s very visceral, and you HAVE to accept the body as well as the mind. So I might feel the same way as he does.
I have issues with food. I use it for comfort, reward, pleasure, and energy. I know this. Yes, I have other outlets, but it’s so easy to gratify myself with a bag of chips! I also don’t like exercise. I’d MUCH rather sit with a good book and a bowl of popcorn than exert any energy.
So where am I going with this? Well, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be without him, and I don’t want what we have now. I’m trying to lose weight but it’s a “molasses in January” process, and I’m depressed, feeling unloved, unattractive, and mad at myself for not controlling my eating and weight. I’m mad at him for his attitude, though I know I may be the same way if our roles were reversed. I feel trapped in a relationship that may or may not change depending on how well I deal with food. I’m mad that he doesn’t see me as “Rubenesque” instead of fat. I’m hurt that it’s come to this, and then I get mad at myself all over again for my attitude towards food. I just don’t know where to go with all this!
Michelle that breaks my heart, I hope things get better for you.
Oh dear that’s so terrible.
Both my mother and my sister has RA and I know some of those meds are dreadful.
And then you have to cope with the chronic physical pain and the side-effects and everything as well as the emotional rejection.
I’m not married so I won’t talk about that.
But if I may be so bold: Both my mom and my sister feels a lot better physically when they exercise. It helps both physically and with the depression. I know you probably don’t want to and feel overwhelmed and probably your body hurts, but just give it a shot.
Swimming can be good, walking too if your hips and knees and everything is ok. My sister really enjoys low impact workout videos. That way you can exercise at home, cause a gym can be super intimidating. http://www.collagevideo.com/ is a great website. You can choose your level and type and length and everything. They have little video previews and in-depth reviews too. It’s much cheaper than the gym and the videos arrive super quickly. You don’t have to start off with an hour a day. Just 20 min 3 times a week can really make a difference. I knew it helped me a lot when I was depressed. And I still really like the instructors telling me I do a good job. 🙂
Praying things get better for you.
Been there, done that. I now refuse to sleep in a bed that I’ve been rejected in so many times. Is he into porn? We are just starting to reveal all this stuff in therapy and I think we are freaking the guy out. Good luck, maybe something like Fireproof…mine thought it was hokie.
I think the key to finding your wife attractive is to actually date her like before you were married. Date at least once a week (and they don’t have to be typical dates either). I enjoy and am attracted to who my wife is and I am also attracted to her physically.
Good round-up Sheila! Be blessed:)
I so agree with you. You should never tell your spouse you aren’t attracted to them, that is very hurtful but you can tell them that you are concerned about their health. I love your blog and your take on these issues. Keep up the great work! May God bless you daily!
Another great post! (and yes being 70lbs away from where I want to be is discouraging at times but I’m working at it and hubby still chases me soooo….hey it’s not like he still looks the same as he did in college either! :))
Exactly! We all grow, and we all change, and that really is okay. 🙂
I have a reverse spin on this problem…. I don’t think of MYSELF as attractive. I have always been overweight and was when we got married. My husband always tells me I’m beautiful, but I have a hard time believing it. I just feel so icky! I have been working out and have lost about 15 lbs, with probably 50 to go. Sometimes I have to just close my eyes during our more intimate times and pretty much coach myself through it and constantly remind myself that he loves me and my body. How’s that for a reverse dilemma..haha
I am the same way!
Way to go on the 15 pounds! That’s wonderful. You are a strong woman. You are a determined woman. And you are a beautiful woman–your husband says so! Let his words wash over you, and his acceptance of you wash over you. I think sometimes God uses the men in our lives to be healers and comforters to us women who often have such negative body image!
I married my husband at the age of 17. I was 125lbs. Well, almost 5 years later I’ve had a baby every year (4) and just found out that baby #5 is on it’s way. I’m about 170 now. Getting pregnant so close to my other pregnancies has not given me time to lose the weight I put on with my first. My husband is always saying how beautiful I am, and can’t keep his hands off (well, we do have 5 kids…;)) But I find myself feeling ashamed and trying to hide myself from him; not wanting to have sex because I’m embarrassed. I mean, he said I was beautiful at 125, how could he possibly think I’m still beautiful at 170??
But then one day, it hit me. When I focus on myself and how much I don’t like me…it taints my entire way of thinking. I don’t focus on him, and pleasing him. HE enjoys me, and understands that having babies wreaks havoc on a woman’s body. HE gets it… So, now when he starts playing around, I find that his affections make me feel sexy. His attentions make me feel like I’m a super model. And that revelation has greatly changed the way I view myself. It’s how it should be. And I am still working on losing the weight and becoming healthier…just not obsessing over it. =)
Thanks Sheila for this awesome post!! And I am saddened that Christians would be so nasty to each other on topics that are oh so close to alot of women’s hearts.
Laura, you raise such a good point!!!
Let me reiterate it and rephrase a little:
If your husband finds you attractive and enjoys your body, that’s wonderful.
If you, then, start hating your body and hiding it out of shame, you are then taking away the pleasure that he DOES have from your body.
Why would you take away HIS pleasure because YOU feel unattractive? If he thinks you’re attractive–YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE!!!
Great point, and for all the women struggling with accepting themselves, even when their husbands already do, I’d just encourage you in that direction. Revel in how your husband sees you, and let his feelings towards you be a healing balm for you.
Let me add this to your comments, Sheila. I’m also about 20 lbs over my wedding weight (which was actually underweight) and after 3 kids, I have tons of stretch marks and sagging skin and a scar from 3 c-sections. Even though I’m thin (about 120lbs), I still feel extremely self-conscious of the other issues and try to hide from him. He has always told me he thinks I’m beautiful, hot, sexy, whatever but I never really believed him and I showed my disbelief every time he said it. Finally, he told me that when I roll my eyes when he compliments me, he feels like I’m treating him as though he’s lying. And he’s right. I’ve had to just train my thoughts to push out my own negative commentary and focus on actually believing him when he says I’m beautiful.
Awesome! Listen to your man. He sounds like he’s really God’s gift to you.
I gained over 100 lbs over the past 20+ years, and I wasn’t really thin when we married. There was a period where my hubby struggled a bit with my weight, but I am so thankful that when he prayed about it, God granted him the ability to love ME. We have had a few conversations that were a bit painful (I’m pretty sensitive) about the health aspects of my weight. He has loved me through the thick and slightly thinner, the back and forth, and everything involved with weight issues. Finally, I have found a way to eat healthy and not feel deprived, and the weight is dropping off quickly and relatively easily, and you know, he loves me just the same. He tells me I’m hot, but then he’s always told me that at every single size. I am assured in his love because he has loved me through it all, and now he’ll be loving some extra skin, and wrinkles I’ve developed over the years that were previously filled out with fat. He’ll love me when I get liver spots and gray hair and my teeth fall out. He’ll still be calling me hot and chasing me around with his new walker when we’re old and gray. I can walk around incognito like I’m just an overweight Mom of four getting groceries, when in reality I am the woman of his dreams. But don’t tell anyone. It’s our little secret.
I love this!!! What a great picture of marriage.
I am interested in how you are wasting healthy and the weight is dropping off.
*sorry…silly autocorrect*. What kind of “eating healthy” are you doing so the weight is falling off?
I love your your additional comments on the question about how we women tend to choose comfort over looking good and how that is not honoring to our husbands. I think we forget how much it means to them–not because they need it, but because it is a love language for them. I think a lot of us, especially me, can get in the habit of saying, “he’s so sex-hungry,” like it’s a bad thing, and so scorn dressing up for him. It feels dirty to us. But we fail to understand that what a romantic date is to a woman, sex is to a man. It is his relational time. Where we want to be complimented, he wants to be desired and sought after. Sex is a huge emotional deal for men. It is our way of loving our husband, comforting him, telling him we believe in him–in a way he will actually hear. At the end of the day, our words and our acts of service mean very little, because we’re just not speaking the language he needs to hear. We are wise to understand that and pursue sex and all things related–flirting, looking attractive, etc.
But you by no means have to be stick-skinny to be attractive! You do not need to be the weight you were when you walked the aisle, either. The additional comments you added to your post about potential problems like porn seems very helpful to me, but no matter the issue, it’s something to talk over. Women always act like our problems will solve themselves, but they never do: we need to communicate clearly, and use words, rather than being subtle about our feelings. Here’s what I would say:
You are beautiful. Deep down inside you know it. If you’re having a hard time believing it, go to our Heavenly Father who loves you so, so dearly. He will give you a better perspective on your body that is healthy and positive. You need that. You need to know you’re beautiful and you’re loved, or else you will be frozen in a rut of bad habits and malcontent.
Once you know you’re beautiful, it’s time to brainstorm. Go to your husband with your God-rooted confidence and be open. I’m so glad you communicated that his words hurt you (and that he apologized–what a man!). Ask him if he has suggestions for how you can be more attractive to him, or if you have suggestions of your own, put them forward. Do you want to lose more weight? Why can’t you? Assess several things:
1) What is your goal? Is it realistic? Find a goal (losing 10 pounds, instead of 25, for instance) that is attainable.
2) What is keeping you from attaining it? Brainstorm solutions to those obstacles. Do the kids take up too much of your time? Maybe he can take charge of the kids for an hour three nights a week while you go workout. Or maybe this is important enough (and sex is always important to marriage!!!) to make room in your budget to get a nanny or sitter several mornings a week so you can go on a run. Make it happen, and get his help. This isn’t your problem or his problem, it’s something for BOTH of you to work out.
3) Find other things, besides your weight, that you can do to get the engines going between you two. Flirt. Pay attention to your outfit. Be confident and proud of how you look. (Remember, God thinks you’re beautiful, regardless of what others think!!) Get excited and be passionate; even if 50% of the time he turns you down, it’s worth it for the other 50%. As you slowly learn what you can do that works, he will slowly learn how to respond. What only works 50% of the time now may work 100% of the time later! The mind is a powerful sex organ; you are teaching him new ways of using it, and he needs to get used to that.
Remember, it is fully possible to make things work again. Sex is vital to marriage. In the Old Testament, sex and marriage were almost synonymous concepts. And because sex is so important, God makes it so that we can always reignite sexual passion in marriage. It might be hard, and it may take a while. But you can always lean on God, who will make all things possible. At the end of the journey, you WILL have great/oftener sex, and your marriage will have grown a lot along the way. You may not see it now, but the rewards are worth the effort!
Very well said, Liz.
[Editor’s note: the rest of this comment has been deleted. I am not sure why people think that insulting me in comments is a Christian thing to do or a nice thing to do. Disagreeing with me is fine; insulting me or my blog is not. And I will not publish comments like that, nor should anyone expect me to.]
My wife is a bit overwieght; we are both in our 70s. Do I find her attractive? You bet I do. Whenever I hug her (and I do that quite often) I feel so young. She is devastatingly attractive to me. I KNOW she is God’s gift to me and I am so blessed. By the way I do tell her regularly how much I love her, how important she is to me and how thilled I am that she married me. In truth I am more attracted to her now than ever and I love her so much more. Her health problems mean I have to spend quite a bit of time looking after her and I have to take her to frequent medical appointments. I am glad that I can do this for her.
That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read! My husband feels the same way about me and tells me so all the time and I am blessed, as is your wife. That is the gospel in action…seeing marriage as not being about your own personal fulfillment but as a means to lay yourself aside for the well being of another. Thanks for sharing. You have blessed my heart!
I was reading all of these comments and then thought…..why am I even here? I can’t talk about good things in my marriage. We have some good moments together, but because we’re separated we don’t see each other much, and anyway we still fight quite a bit when we talk. Sex being important is just laughable at this point. We don’t have a normal marriage at all. It’s pointless and tiring to talk about bad things anymore. It is what it is. I’m fine just cruising right now, although I know in my heart we’ll never live together again, and even if we stay married it will be like we’re not. He’ll be moving an hour away from me soon, and I’m planning to get my own place as soon as I can get rid of my debt (which will be awhile, unfortunately). And even if we get divorced, I never want to be with anyone in a romantic way again. I like the idea of being alone, just spending time with friends and family.
So it just occurred to me that maybe I don’t fit in here anymore. But, I have gotten a lot of encouragement and prayers here, and I keep coming back because I like your thoughts, Sheila.
I agree 99.99% with what Sheila is saying. My only exception would be that if, as a spouse, you’ve seen your partner continue to engage in unattractive behavior (whether refusing to eat reasonably or criticizing you in public) and make no effort to either change or acknowledge your feelings then it might be time to sit down and just flat out explain why you don’t find them attractive. It’s a last resort when someone is behaving unreasonably. Don’t do it over twenty pounds or over how the other person loads the dishwasher.
Excellent post!!! I have much to say, to share about this. I’ll try not to take up a post-length comment.
But I’m about to just get real.
Early in my marriage {We just celebrated 15 years. This was probably in the first two to three years. And I’d already gone through a divorce.} we struggled with intimacy. I felt rejected often. I’m going to get real here and just share that I had very large breasts. Small frame, large breasts. As in 34DDD. I realize that some of you may be shaking your heads wishing that was their problem. It was indeed an issue especially for my size. Back and shoulder issues as well. But honestly, they just didn’t look amazing. Large saggy breasts don’t tend to excite on their own. Please take this post from Sheila to heart. Every. Single. Word. Because that alone should not an issue make. Yet it did.
As I said, I often felt rejected. And while I want to say that I am grateful for my amazing husband, we’ve come a long way and overcome issues that I was unaware of in the early years of our marriage. But someone once told me before we got married that he’d told her, “You know I just don’t like them.” As in my breasts. THAT was not a good friend, by the way. Because how was that constructive? That stayed with me. For years. And at the particular time in my life that I’m trying so {slowly} to get to, I was overwhelmed. It’s an awful feeling to think, believe, or know that your husband does not or may not want you. All the attempts at discussing this, crying, etc were not fruitful.
God had been speaking to me about nagging, whining. He’d been revealing to me the power of dignity. That word is powerful, ladies. And men. When we grovel, which is what we are doing when we whine and cry and plead and sometimes even nag–SO not attractive. It’s no only ineffective, it’s counter-effective. It just is.
But one day I took my devastation to the altar on a Sunday morning. I looked akin to someone who was desperate for her very life, literally falling into the arms of a Sister on the prayer team. I poured out with great emotion that which I feared–I don’t think my husband wants me!!! The words she spoke without hesitation were completely unexpected but extremely powerful.
“So what? So what if that’s true? Then what? What are you going to do about it?”
There was no harsh tone. Just realization. She spoke words that needed to be spoken. Because ladies, the real thing is we need to look our fears in the face. And then say, “SO! WHAT!” The three Hebrew children prior to being thrown in the fiery furnace said, “Our God WILL save us!!! But if He doesn’t, we will NOT bow to you!” {my paraphrase} So when we look at our fear and determine that yes, it is possible that it is true. That thing we most hope to not be true could be true. And in fact, may have been verbalized to us. But what are we going to do about it? Are we going to bow to it?
Ultimately, in 2003, five years into our marriage, I had a breast reduction. HOW-EV-ER. MUCH happened before that. That was something I’d always considered in spite of anything my husband might’ve thought. During my struggle with this and trying to discuss it as I mentioned above, he never said, “You’re right. I don’t like them.” The comment spoken before we were married wasn’t denied. It may have been embellished or maybe just emphasized by my so-called friend. Regardless, I felt strongly he wasn’t in love with my breasts. It was what it was.
But after those words spoken at the altar, and prayer, I determined to move ahead. I prayed much and changed my OWN PERSONAL view of myself, my breasts. IT MUST START THERE. Sometimes a change is needed, maybe even warranted. But regardless, we need to love ourselves where we are. How is it that we can say we don’t like our hair, our thighs, our *insert feature here*, yet it’s so different when someone else–especially our spouse–says it? Of course I know it’s painful no matter how rational or even truthful it is. But face it!
There is something incredibly beautiful about a woman who owns who she is. Every single part. {Look up this season’s winner of Survivor and hear what he has to say about his second season on Survivor and how he changed his outlook.} There is something amazing about a woman who carries herself well, knows who she is in Christ, recognizes her weaknesses, shortcomings, and flaws, yet sees the beauty God placed within her. It is undeniable. It is EFFECTIVE!!!
It made a tremendous difference in my life. Otherwise, that breast reduction would’ve been ineffective. Or counter-effective. I would’ve felt like maybe he loves a “repaired” version of me. Blah, blah, blah. You know how the female brain can tear apart this stuff.
Get real with yourselves. YES, we may need to make some changes. And I’m not saying that you should all go consider any plastic surgery of any kind. PLEASE know this. As I mentioned, I had tremendous problems with my back and shoulders and thought it was all due to being a Nanny and picking up children. Just know who you are. Because no matter how genuine your heartache, the crying, the pouting, the withdrawing, does no good. It makes things far worse for both you and your spouse. Run to the Lord with it. He can handle.
I pray today you will know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. AND take Sheila’s words to heart. She covers every single point. Her Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex does this as well. Very thorough.
THANK YOU, Sheila, for talking about the hard stuff.
Thank you for so candidly sharing your story and perspective on this. I am seriously considering having a tummy tuck to rid at least part of my body of the obvious signs of my past and present weight gains and losses. Before reading this, i hadnt considred the battles I may face emotionally or mentally after. Thank you for sharing this. I think i have a lot to pray about.
Thankyou for posting this again, this exactly where I AM in my marriage while it did hurt to be told by my husband that he finds me less desirable than in the beginning ,I value that he was able to be that honest. I have lost 11 pounds since he told me this. I honestly wasnt happy with my body and was just ignoring it instead of doing something about it. I pray though that after I lose all the weight i have to lose that he will at least know that I am trying to be more attractive and healthy for us and above all God!
Sometimes..you just stop being attracted to someone you are with though, with or without marriage it happens and you cannot make yourself find them attractive.It does not matter if he gains weight or losses it all, because it has to do with his personality and how we have just grown apart as people over time.It does not mean he is not a good person or that I am not, it just means once something is truly lost then it is truly gone and can’t be found.It happens and if this is happening to anyone else out there just be strong and think to yourself, can I live in a sexless marriage and just be content with who I am with in other ways.Sex will eventually leave a relationship, due to old age and illness, so it is not wrong that you would want to stay if you are not attracted to them sexually as long as there is some form of love.The big question is, would that be enough to stay or not and that depends on the individual and also the other person in the relationship.There would be nothing wrong with leaving or staying but also consider the emotions of your partner in your choice.If they are happy in a sexless relationship and you can handle that then fine but if either one of you have doubts or can not handle this I would think about moving on.You can move towards a single life for awhile or indefinitely or later on find someone that sparks that interest within you again, just make sure this time that it is going to last and you know the person very well before committing.I suggest many years or you might acquire several failed marriages.
I love this post. My husband, who is amazing in so many ways, has voiced that he finds me less attractive than he used too. I have had a baby and I weigh 112 lbs instead of the 108 that I did before I was pregnant. He has told me that he wishes my breasts were smaller, that he wishes my rear was different (more like it used to be), that he would like my waist to be narrower, etc. he does tell me that he still thinks I’m beautiful but he has admitted that there are things that he would like to change about my body physically. This is difficult for me. I only weigh four pounds more than I used too! I’m 22 years old. My body isn’t perfect but I think I look great. My stomach isn’t quite as firm as it used to be. I do work out but I am not always able to as much as I would like. As a mother that stays home with our son and also works from home I don’t have the time to be in the gym enough to have a “rock hard” body. My husband and I have talked about it and I have expressed to him how I feel. That even if I was in perfect shape, we all age and what then? He admits that him wishing I was different is wrong and that he never should have told me. However, after a few years of feeling like he isn’t satisfied with me and knowing he wants me to look different, I don’t trust him to not hurt me. Trying to be intimate with him even on an emotional level causes so much pain for me, never mind on a physical and sexual level. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate me. Now that he knows he shouldn’t have said anything, I feel like from now on he may always “say the right thing” concerning how I look but I think I’ll always feel as though it may or may not be true and that he just knows better than to say what he really thinks. I just don’t know how to move on from this. I don’t know how to be intimate with him anymore and to trust him with my heart.
This article brought years to my eyes. I am in fact a size 2… But a short curvaceous size two who has given birth four times. I diet and excersize and am doing everything I can to ” make sure my husband delights in me” he tells me I’m the love of his life but I’m fat and the biggest girl he’s ever been with. That I have a long way to go and it’s crushing me. I want sex to be about intimacy but I think he wants it to be something much more tawdry and its destroying me… I’m a pretty girl am other men find me attractive but if I bring that up when he tells me I need to work on my belly he tells me to sleep with them then… I’m scared he will stray and I’m hurt that he lusts after women that are a different from me as can be…. He tells me he wants me under 100 lbs… How do I heal this rift? At 5’3 and 122 I’m pushing it as it is… I can’t be 20 and he wants that. Help!
Google “malignant narcissism” you may find that you are in a relationship with someone who has impossible standards. They set these standards so high, so that you will have to fall short. This allows them to continue with their bad behavior, because everyone always fails them.
ErinMarie…not to disrespect you or dismiss your concerns, but a size 2 is NOT fat. At all. I was a similar size to you when I was younger and people told me I was fat, but now I realize that my body was close to perfect.
It is true that smaller, more petite women tend to show weight gain more easily. I should know from personal experience. But I can tell you that a size 2 is not fat, and your husband should respect you and love you for who you are.
You are his wife and a mother of 4 children. He either has very unrealistic notions of beauty, or he is intentionally trying to lower your self-esteem. I would use harsher language to get my point across but I don’t want to be disrespectful to you or anybody else on this blog.
Anyway, my point is that you are a beautiful woman and he is not acting the way a loving husband should. His words are hurtful and he needs to shape up, no pun intended. It is not your body that needs work, Erin, but his attitude. I hope you will be able to work through this situation and find the answers you need. His behavior is abusive.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years now and I think he complimented me maybe 3 times ever. I feel like I have excuses for him on why he never says anything sweet towards me. It usually doesn’t bother me but when I think about it from time to time it kinda hurts. When I get decked out and put on my make up and do my hair different and wear my awesome heels (which is rare) I feel so good but deep down I always wonder and wait to see if he says anything.And he dont :(. He just starts talking about him. So lately I’ve tried to hint around like “what do u think of my make up or shirt or whatevr” and hes like oh yea……. I tell him is it cool or does it look ok on me? Basically begging to hear a compliment but nothing. He just cuts the convo short and starts talking about him and his friends and his video games. After I get dressed up like that I feel so ugly and empty just for a stupid guys approval!
Maybe it’s time to consider if there is any future in this relationship. If he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, he’s not interested in your feelings and emotions and only talks about himself, is this really someone you want to be with?
GET OUT NOW! DO NOT MARRY HIM. Please listen to me. My husband was the same way and I thought it was normal because I watched my parents relationship BUT it onky got WORSE. Some days my depression ans anxiety get so bad that I pray that God would just end my life. I can never please him. He brags about how fast he could cheat on me, he tells me hes going to get rid of me, he doesnt take care of me beyond paying our rent, hes lies about me when ive asked for help and isolated me completely. I have no one anymore. I never dreamed it would get this bad but it has. Please get out!!! You are worth so much more than this!!
Hi there to all, I appreciated reading this as well as the comments that were in response. I would like to present an idea to the conversation that being attractive to your spouse and making a serious endeavor BECAUSE you love him, is a sacrificial act and a blessing to a marriage. Most men have a strong sense of need for an attractive wife, and I believe if we really love our spouses and it’s our desire to bring them pleasure, we should mutually fill each others needs. I feel bad for the guy who always gets dumped on because they are not allowed to say that they aren’t attracted to their wife. My husband and I have open honest communication, where we don’t hurt or wound each other by being honest (not brutal honesty) but in a loving open way we are able to speak to each other about these type of issues. A great book on this is called His Needs, Her Needs: Building an affair proof marriage, by Harvey. Excellent book to have a mutually satisfying marriage built on sacrificial love for one another,… including making sure you are attractive for your husband! It’s KEY! Bottom line, if my husband isn’t attracted to me, I want him to tell me!!! I want to meet his needs within the context of our marriage!
This posting and the comments that follow bring tears to my eyes. I love my husband and I KNOW that he loves me… but I am really missing that intimacy in our relationship. He isn’t attracted to me. I don’t blame him. I don’t even like how i look. I did for a couple of months after losing 85 lbs by working out at the gym. Then i got pregnant and gave birth to our daughter who is such a joy. I wouldn’t want that to change but I am sad that the weight didn’t just melt off. I am again up about forty pounds and i feel devastated. I hate it in fact. I feel weak and utterly discouraged. I love him so much. I want to feel and look healthy. All I can say is that it is much easier to feel motivated and encouraged when your husband at least compliments you. It is so heart breaking to me. I cant be mad at him though. He has watched me struggle constantly with my weight and past. I just wish this struggle could be behind me and that i could somehow fast forward to get there.
Challenges…I’m in the same boat, although we don’t have children. But after 4 years of marriage, my husband seems to have lost interest in me. I was a size 4 when he met me and in my early 20’s at the time. I am now 30 years old and overweight. I find myself unable to lose this weight, no matter what I do. Apparently I have a thyroid problem and PCOS, in addition to some other health issues. We’ve been taking daily walks since September but I don’t see any progress at all. I’m sad, frustrated, and I feel ignored by my husband. He refuses to be intimate with me unless he feels like it…we now have sex once or twice a year (yes, a YEAR) if I’m lucky.
I’ve also developed a painful, ugly rash all over my back and sides. It looks like cystic acne, it leaves scars, it bleeds, and only contributes to my poor body image. I feel so ugly and unwanted. I don’t want to hurt my husband but I’ve had thoughts about seeking attention from another man. I haven’t acted on it, but I’m only human and I need to feel like a woman. I need to be desired by my husband. I need him to see me as beautiful and to want me. As it is, I feel rejected. He would rather watch sports and play chess on the computer than be intimate with me.
I don’t understand. I gained weight but I’m trying to do something about it. I’m not gorgeous but I’m not hideous either. I don’t nag him or belittle him. I shower, try to fix my hair, wear a bit of makeup. I just don’t know what to do.
MB,
I have thyroid problems as well as PCOS. Would you be willing to discuss these over an email instead of here?
AG
I want to start by saying that my husband never directly said he didn’t think I was attractive, however he doesn’t make me think I am. Really he never has. The past few years have been incredibly hard and to sum things up the best I can a lot if what you said up there are all things that broke us or our bond apart per say.
I was diagnosed with uterine cancer at 30 3 years ago had to have a hysterectomy, a year of treatment, by the end my husband had become so distant and spiteful I didn’t understand. I was getting myself back and I had list him. I was feeling better than I had in years and he pushed me away. He was angry, hurtful and just downright everything that was nowhere near the man I married. My grandfather who was like a dad to me was given 3 weeks to live which was very hard on me, my husband wasn’t in the least bit consoling. His hatefulness grew, I would beg him to love me. I cried myself to sleep many nights he didn’t care. I didn’t understand. Until I found it. He had been watching porn. He replaced me with porn during one of the most difficult times of my life and when I came out of it rather than be there to celebrate my defeat he made me feel hated. This confrontation was May 2012. The hysterectomy was May 2010.
I was so angry. The way he treated me and made me feel over that! I told him I was leaving. Because I wasn’t being verbally and emotionally abused while he spent hours in the bathroom with whatever. And then he breaks down cries begs me not to leave swears he won’t do it again that he was addicted…. I told him to answer me one question, why or how could he treat me so horribly and let me cry and just look me in the eye with so much hate and now tell me this. His answer “I don’t know” to this day I have no explanation and that has made it hard to fully move on. It’s hard to get closure especially with where I currently am.
My grandfather fought until Dec 3rd 2013. Losing him was devastating. But I’m getting by. In Feb I had my first mammogram. I’m one of those lucky people who is BRCA 2+ I was supposed to have had a mammo 3 years ago but I couldn’t do it. It came back questionable, then I had an MRI, it came back with 2 rumors in 1 breast 1 in the other. I had a referral for a breast surgeon/oncologist. He’s one of the best in the world. That’s a plus. So he says the bigger tumor on the left would need to be removed to even biopsy it’s so deep and looking at your blood work and the pattern of these I’m sending you out if here with a breast cancer diagnosis. And you have a few options… Of my options the one my husband and dr pushed me hardest for was double mastectomy and reconstruction due to my BRCA 2+ status and the fact that I’ve got a 70-90% chance of getting breast cancer as long as I have boobs. The good of that option, no chemo and prob no radiation. I wouldn’t need any anti estrogen since I have no ovaries. So at 33, almost a year to the day, 2 days after this was posted I lost my boobs. I have implants now I’ve been through 3 surgeries from then to now and it’s miserable and painful and it sucks and ugh. I’ve gained weight from the trauma of this, my immune system is crap and I feel so emotionally and physically drained. And once again my husband is drifting. Not quite to the angry stage but I don’t know how to talk to him to get him to understand what I need.
Everything you said up there, the boobs, the exercise etc I can’t do. I’m not seriously overweight. I’m 5’7 and 150lbs but I was 135 so I notice it. My face looks tired and I don’t know how to undo that. My doctor said to stop stressing because I’m wearing my body out. But I don’t know how. I’m embarrassed by my body, my husband hasn’t tried anything sexual with me since before my first surgery. He’s supposed to help me massage the implants so the muscles will loosen up and hopefully relieve the pain so basically massage my boobs, he falls asleep, if I put on makeup and clothes and stuff he doesn’t notice. He doesn’t make me feel like he thinks I’m still beautiful or my body is still acceptable to him even though it’s not the same. And that along with the past is literally eating every inch of me inside. He’s never complimented me really. So I shouldn’t expect it now but I don’t know that I can live much longer without him helping me through this part somehow. I need suggestions on how to deal with the impossible to talk to non communicator and how to approach him about how it would make me feel if he’s repeating the past right now because it feels like a bad sequel is just beginning 🙁
Sounds really rough! I am going through something similar. I think in our situation the best thing to do is to continue with life with as much a positive attitude as we can muster. What I have ended up doing and I don’t know if its the best thing is, I just let him live his life the way he wants. My husband that is. He ends up rarely spending time with me, he does his own thing. We hardly ever have conversations. Etc. On my end, I go on with my life. I do what is required and I make sure I do enjoy what I do, whatever it is. I started taking up painting again. I started really working doing voluntary work and I keep myself reading the Bible and spending time praying. This is the time we have to take up loving our husbands unconditionally. They are going through a hard time; their ‘hard time’ in turn hits us and hurts us. But, hey, God is there. We need to learn to rely on His comfort and words. I feel a little wistful and a twinge of sadness at times. But I thwart it away just as quickly and I focus on the good things in my life. Sometimes I have to literally count them. I don’t expect anything from my husband anymore, even when I fall sick. I try however, to love him the best way I can and to understand that he too is battling something. And I pray against the spiritual forces that are trying to divide us permanently. I also take stock of what I can do and what I just cannot change. And I work on the things I can. Weight wise its not much because I do not have the luxury of time or the money. But like you, I am not obese.. and I consider myself quite attractive. But, I try to be there for him even if he is not there for me. Like I said, I stopped expecting him to ‘do back’ the good I render him. It really helps. Remembering that you are beautiful and the beloved of the King really helps. Although its not quite the same. But it helps. Hang in there and pray much!! Stay positive about yourself!!!!!!
Im 27, married only for two years now and with no babies. Ever since my husband and i were dating he had issues with my weight. My weight has varied through the 5 years weve been togethe. When we met i was a size 10, had a size 6 phase somewhere in between and now bavk to a 10. He quite frankly has told me more than once he isnt attracted to me. I dont recall ever being less than a size 6 in my adult life. I feel ashamed of not being attractive, i barely even get a “you look nice” every day i get comments about eating too much or unhealthy. I know im not a super model and some weight loss would be good for my health, but before i got married i was always the pretty faced, fun girl guys wanted to hang out with, even if ive never been skinny. Now i just feel ugly and completely unappreciated. I love my husband, i knowhe loves me… we have an amazing friendship, but lately it seems thats all there is. When i try to talk about the intimacy issue, he always backfires with the weight issue… like intimacy doesnt mean anything BUT the physical part. I pray for change, i know i must change some unhealthy habitS, but i just wish i could feel loved and accepted.
I am also a size 10, Nicole. I was a size 4 when I met my husband. How tall are you? I am only five feet tall, so a size 10 looks chubby on me…I’m trying to lose weight and be healthy again.
You are beautiful, whether your husband says it or not. Try to work on being healthy. Do it because you deserve to be healthy and happy, not just to fit into smaller sizes. Maybe call a friend and see if you guys can take walks together. You said that men found you attractive before you were married? Well, I’m sure you are still attractive despite the extra weight and your poor self-image (due to your husband’s behavior).
I am a size 10 now, like I said. I’m not happy about it and I don’t feel pretty at all, but men flirt with me anyway. There is this cute Indian guy down the hall who flirts with me and it cheers me up a bit, although I’m married. A woman doesn’t have to be skinny to be beautiful. You simply need to work on being more healthy and loving Nicole for who she is. You said you have a pretty face? I notice that despite my weight gain, my face is much prettier now than it has ever been. I bought some new makeup yesterday! Take the time to doll yourself up…fix your hair, put on some mascara and lipstick, and find something that brings out your positive features. Whether that is your eyes or your smile or your cleavage. Put on your favorite music when you’re alone and dance. Just enjoy being feminine and being a woman. Put some sexy red polish on your toenails.
Try to consult a doctor if your weight is related to a medical issue and see what can be done. Take walks or try swimming or even a dance class…some activity you might enjoy. What also helps me is looking at images of women with a similar body type to mine and realizing that female bodies are wonderful, because we come in all different shapes and sizes.
So much of the article focuses on being overweight, not taking care of your body, etc. What if you eat healthy, work out hard and have a toned, strong body, and your husband still ignores you? He never has told me I am unattractive but he has shown no sign that he finds me attractive anymore either. I am completely devastated and feel like I am going to be a dried up old woman before I am even 40 years old. I have great faith in God and this is a huge challenge for me that I cannot find a peaceful solution to. I don’t know how to make this NOT MATTER.
Heather,
It sounds like you’re doing all you can to take care of yourself. I imagine how frustrating it is to be ignored and feel unloved despite your efforts. Have you told him you feel this way? Be honest and express yourself to him completely…don’t hold back.
I am only 30 and unfortunately I’m not the thin, sexy girl I was when we first met. But I still try to be a good wife and I try to look my best. It hurts when I am in the same room with him and he ignores me unless it’s to talk about sports or watch a TV show. We take long walks together on the weekends, which I enjoy, but he refuses to be intimate with me unless HE is in the mood. I find him very attractive…I love to look at him and flirt with him and tell him he’s handsome. Sometimes he tells me I’m pretty, but it is obvious that he doesn’t mean it.
When we do have sex, I really don’t enjoy it to be honest…I might start to like it after about 10 minutes and then boom! It’s over and he jumps up to clean himself off (sorry for the detail). With a couple of my previous partners, the sex was wonderful but they weren’t good people. So I guess this is what it’s like for some of us women.
I hope things work out for you.
What do you do if you entered into marriage knowing you we’re not very attracted to your spouse, but were pressured into marriage. I know it is wrong, but I just never stopped “shopping”. Looks are SOOOO important, for both the woman to feel good about herself with her ability to captivate her husband, and for the man to have a wife he delights in. This should never be a LIE that is just fabricated out of thin air because the bible or society say so
To any reader not yet married and struggling with either not finding your girlfriend attractive, or a woman dating a man that she suspects is not attracted 100% to her —- don’t overlook this very important aspect of the relationship.
Hi Hennassy…
I think that people should be honest with themselves (and with each other) before making the decision to get married. Being honest is important when it comes to many things…money, whether to have children, how to raise children, spiritual issues, sex, etc. Without honest communication the marriage is doomed to fail.
I don’t see how a person can be “pressured” into marriage in Western society. It is a choice you make. Sometimes people feel that they must marry out of some sense of obligation (for example, if a woman gets pregnant) but ultimately marriage should only happen if/when two people are truly honest and committed to one another. Relationships take a lot of compromise and hard work.
What is it that you’re “shopping” for? A new person to replace your spouse? Or have you grown bored and unhappy with your marriage? Perhaps you need to take a deeper look within and search for the answers. I agree that while looks are certainly important, they are not the most important thing in a relationship. It is destructive to put all the emphasis on looks as the key to a happy and successful marriage.
I understand that most heterosexual men want a gorgeous woman they can show off, but pretty is as pretty does…inner beauty matters even more.
If a man enters into marriage all the while knowing that he had very little attraction for his wife, that is definitely a problem. He was being dishonest with her and with himself. The wife deserves a man who finds her sexy and attractive, not a man who is constantly lusting after other women and comparing her with them. The husband needs to figure out why he feels this way and what he can do to fix it. It isn’t fair to stay with somebody you aren’t attracted to…let them move on and find a person who is attracted to them, so they can be happy.
The other issue is how men have been trained to view women. I don’t mean to sound like a radical feminist or anything, but there is so much more to women than the way we look and our ability to bear children. We all want to be viewed as attractive, but we also want our husbands/partners to love us for who we are. It seems like a lot of men have very one-dimensional thinking on this subject…that women only exist to serve them or to be eye candy. If we are unattractive or started out as pretty but eventually lose our looks, we become replaceable. And this is wrong. No matter what a woman looks like, she is still a person with feelings and a heart.
From one female reader to another. Enjoy and Good Luck.
My husband has told me he finds me repulsive , because Im fat . we have been married 3 years. i am too heavy , need to loose weight about 70lbs. Im so upset i don’t know what to do. he won’t be physical with me and i worry I’ll never meet his standards . he knows he’s upset me, but keeps repeating he doesn’t find me attractive , and if i cared i should want to please him and to please him i need to loose weight . Im finding it hard to come to terms with , i know he’s right and i should loose weight, but Im just unhappy he said what he said . i hope time will mean I’ll loose weight and forgive what he said ?
I was 127 pounds when I got married to my husband at the age of 33. We have been married for 8 years during which I have lost 5 of our unborn children. I steadily gained weight in each pregnancy but only lost a few pounds once I lost the pregnancies. Last year we tried IVF and I was injected with a lot of hormone shots. It added 10 pounds to my weight all of a sudden and I have found it hard to keep it off. Now I weigh 160 pounds. My husband has been telling me he finds me unattractive from the time I gained 15 pounds. Now I have gained a total of 33 pounds since our marriage. My health is great and my stamina is wonderful. And although I am 41, many people mistake me for 27. He has not touched me physically for 3 years. I was devastated in the beginning and continue to feel thwarted and rejected every time he says that. It is even more disheartening when he cannot get aroused even when we try. I am not the type to be in sweatpants at home.. I dress up every day. But, he still finds me unattractive. Nobody finds me as unattractive as my husband does. Infact, I often have younger men hit on me until they find out that I am married. And being confident within myself, although I know that I would love to lose some weight, I am not obsessed by it and feel perfectly fine the way I am until my husband looks at me and makes those comments. We adopted a baby 3 years ago. Taking care of my almost 3 year old and working a part time job takes up a lot of my day and energy. Even then, I still pursue hobbies I do not want to let go of like painting, singing and writing. My husband would rather I starve myself in attempts to lose weight than be healthy. I think he has a problem. But it still hurts even when I know the problem is not with me. I have an additional problem because my libido is so strong. Due to my Faith and the grace of God, I have not succumbed to any promiscuity because I am rejected by my husband despite the strong urges. But sometimes it makes me feel tempted to explore those areas and I cringe at the thought that this is the man I am stuck with the rest of my life. One who will never touch me or look at me with Love. And I will burn in my desire every so often. And I am just 41 who has the energy and looks of a 30 year old. In a small way, it feels good to know I do not walk this alone. But it is sure a lonely marriage. Praise God for my lil one who keeps me occupied. I just try to tire myself out so much that I do not think about it. But its not a forever solution. I do make attempts to curb my diet and to exercise but to really lose weight in the manner my husband wants me to, it will take at least an hour and a half in the gym and eating a paltry amount and skip meals as well. Sigh
I think I will have my husband read this article! I recently went from size 2 to size 4 and my husband won’t let me buy new jeans as an incentive to lose weight but I am lifting weights and trying to gain muscle mass but he continually makes comments about girls being prettier with skinnier legs. I feel young and pretty, I don’t understand how being size 4 can be so hideous to him.
Rebecca,
if you feel pretty (like you said), that is what matters. A size 4 is definitely not fat! Your husband seems to have a distorted sense of beauty. The average woman today is much larger than a size 4. Some people also told me I was “fat” at a size 4 (I am now a size 10, maybe an 8 on a good day). Comments like this only serve to promote poor body image and low self-esteem, which can lead to eating disorders…people should think before they speak.
I agree, your husband needs to read this and understand what he is doing to you. You are his wife and you deserve respect at ANY size. He should also realize that a size 2 and a size 4 aren’t that different in terms of clothes. It’s not like, say, the difference between a size 4 and a size 14…that is a very big difference.
The comments he makes about “prettier” girls with “skinnier” legs? You should say something to him about men with big bank accounts and even bigger penises…sorry to be crude, but hopefully he’ll get the point. It’s hurtful when he says things like that to you. I would love to be a size 4 again! I’m sure you are beautiful and it sounds like you are in good shape, so he needs to appreciate what he has.
This article seems to focus on not saying/feeling your partner is unattractive, but how do we emotionally recover once this is said? My husband told me two days ago and I’ve hardly stopped crying since. I weigh 15lbs more now than when we got married (he does too) and I’m 12 weeks pregnant with baby #2. What the heck can I do to change now! I feel like we’ll never have sex again because that comment will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind. Feeling helpless and lonely (because who could I possibly talk to this about?).
Mindy, that’s a really, really tough situation. I do think that was an unfair and unkind thing to say, especially being pregnant. But I don’t think it will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. It doesn’t have to be. What you need to do, I think, is work through it with him.
He needs to see:
1. That this was an unkind and hurtful thing to say;
2. That it is also not a fair or valid criticism considering the pregnancy, and the fact that he doesn’t find you attractive is a problem with HIM, not with YOU.
These are both important points, and likely point to some major heart issues and perhaps even sexual issues that he has. Talking these things through with him, even with a counselor, may prove really helpful. So I’m not saying let it go, but I do think that if you treat it with the seriousness it deserves, and do communicate to him that you want to talk about it more, that may help in actually resolving the issue and rebuilding oneness.
I found this reading very helpful, and of course, everyone has a bit of a different situation. My husband I are newly married, 8 months. I’m 23 and he’s 21. He’s in the army and exercises regularly. While he was deployed I gained a few pounds and when he came home, what should have been an amazing experience for us was not. I could tell he noticed the weight. Mind you I’d only gained about 10 pounds or so. Now I have been dieting and exercising every day, and I’ve noticed a difference already, and still every attempt to be intimate has failed. He finally told me “my libido is completely gone since you’ve gained so much weight and done nothing about it” I was devastated! Not only for obvious reasons but I was so proud of myself for losing weight and he didn’t even realize I was working so hard. when I told him what I have accomplished he said I’m not doing enough. This all coming from a man who’s never had a weight problem. But your suggestions on basically trusting the Lords judgment, I completely understand, but my husband is not a believer. So far in our marriage we have gotten past many obstacles, but this one is so painful I’m not sure I can be comfortable knowing that my husband doesn’t love me on the inside as much as the outside.
For a while my husband was dabbling in porn-like media (explicit mainstream tv shows, movies and YouTube videos). At the same time, I was working out and getting rid of the last of my post partum weight. I slipped easily into size 2 skinny jeans, but still filled out the curves in the right places. People tell me all the time they can’t believe I’ve had 4 children. However, my husband told me he wasn’t attracted to me. Especially since my breasts had shrunk back down after breast feeding.
I remember feeling devasted and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and God showed me how lovely I truly am. I realized several truths:
1. I am lovely in my own right.
2. Hubby has the problem, not me.
3. There is nothing wrong with my body. It may not be perfect, but it is all his for the having and I take good care of it.
4. I can delight in what sex we have even if he won’t. He’s the one shooting himself in the foot.
So, I started being confident in my body. I gently told him a few times that his comments weren’t appropriate. “I can’t help my breast size. They are what they are.”. I enjoyed sex when we had it, flirted and showed off my body to him. Took showers with him. He ran errands with me and noticed other guys checking me out. And I prayed and prayed.
I am happy to report that he no longer watches such things, he delights in my body, and tells me how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me.
Don’t accept lies. Find your worth in the Lord because even our spouse can fail us.And don’t underestimate the damage allowing the sexually explicit culture into your eyes/mind/heart can do.
This article hit the nail on the head. I’ve been married 7 years, no children and am 33 years old. My husband hasn’t complimented me in years, and it kills me inside. We have a fairly good marriage, however this one issue is changing the way I feel about our marriage. I put on 15lb over the last 7 years going from 125lb to 140lb. I look after myself, exercise, dress nicely and always do my hair and makeup. I get compliments from other people, and my guy friends – but not from the person I want to hear it from. I’ve tried talking to him about this. I honestly don’t know what else to do.
@Michelle…I can relate. 30 years old, married 5 years, no children, hardly any sex, and any compliments I receive are mostly insincere.
Some men just aren’t good with compliments. I don’t know if you’ve heard of the 5 Love Languages book, but it might help to read it.
I also know that some men simply can’t appreciate what they have. They might love their wife, but their attention is elsewhere for whatever reason. It IS frustrating, isn’t it?
This was awesome.
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. Now only if I could get my husband to read it. lol
I am 20- 25lbs over weight. Been struggling with some serious health issues of late. 53 yrs old. First time ever in 25 years of marriage he has ever told me I was fat and he was unattracted to me. 🙁
Your article was great. I have gained a small amount of weight and by no means am over weight. My husband still doesn’t want to have sex. I feel very unloved and unattractive. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he shuts down and I get left feeling worse with nothing resolved. I do not believe there is anyone else but I’m at a loss. We use to have a very physical relationship now we have nothing. I’m so lost
My husband told me he dont find ne attractive , and he dont kiss me dont hold me and barely has sex with me and it seems like everytime I try to do something to change it he asks me why im doing it and when I tell him he says im over reacting …? Wat do I do ..?
I know most of you females will hate me for saying this… but before you condemn me , think about the truth in my words.
Firstly, men should keep a good body for their wife also. Here’s the hard part….men are directly controlled by what we see. Look this up in any medical info, and you’ll see. Mens visualizations are a direct connect to the penis. The blood flow increases and a erection begins. Your husband may say ” oh, I didn’t even notice the pretty girl, or ” honey ,that extra 25 lbs is barely noticeable on you,…you carry is very well”. HE’S LYING. No matter how goofy or loving he may be, to say this…HE’S LYING.
You want a turned on husband……act/dress/show it. You may find that E.D. doesn’t need near the Rx help compared to what you can do….. You can both be happy…both…..both. This is not a one sided deal, someone needs to start the ball rolling, why not you….you have no clue how truly powerful you actions with words can be….the cop-out is this 125 lbs over weight.. fine don’t lose 125 try the 25. If your husband is say 175-200, you better think on it. You might lose 5-10 and think that’s enough and great…but remember losing it all could add up to 200 if you keep excusing yourself….calories in count…
kt…I agree that men are often visual and that wives should try to look as nice as they possibly can. I understand that society is often driven by outward appearances.
But there is often this assumption that if a man isn’t turned on by his wife, it is her fault because she has gained weight or whatever the case might be. Which is sometimes true but it depends on how much weight we’re talking about.
We need to be realistic here…some women will never be thin or meet the conventional definition of beauty no matter what. I can exercise all I want, and I will never again have the face/body I had at 20, the time when I was in my best shape. So I try to be fit in my early 30’s and do it in a healthy way.
One doesn’t have to be thin to be beautiful. Sometimes it helps in the way a woman is perceived by others, but it isn’t necessary all the time.
I can’t speak for the other ladies here but I flirt with my husband. I used to meet him at the door in skimpy clothes. I wear makeup, nothing too heavy…just enough to play up my eyes and lips. I try to make my hair look nice.
I’m seeing a doctor about my weight gain and I take long walks with my husband. Sorry if this is TMI, but I’ve always been very open-minded sexually…there is very little that I won’t do.
I’m sure that some of the ladies here can relate to what I’m saying. It’s not simply about weight gain. Sometimes a woman can try to look good, take care of herself and all of that only to be rejected anyway.
I believe a part of the problem is that some men feel that they are entitled to a certain type of woman and this is what leads them to look at their wife and think, “meh”. They have this idea that she isn’t enough and they can surely find “better”.
Whereas if they tried to see beauty in their wife and cherish her and offer encouragement, they might see positive changes in her. My husband doesn’t seem to find me sexy or desirable (although I have no doubt he loves me) so naturally that makes me feel like my efforts to look pretty and act flirty are in vain.
There was a movie called “Why Did I Get Married?” where this woman wanted her husband to desire her, but he obviously didn’t. One scene was especially sad…she put on lingerie at bedtime and then he pretty much laughed at her, making her feel even worse.
Despite being on the bigger side she was far from ugly but because she wasn’t model-esque, her husband rejected her and made her feel dumb for even trying to flirt or be sexy.
i have been with my husband for four years and we just got married in august. When i first met my husband i was 145 i was a little over weight and then i had two miscarriages and a 3 year old son. I lost my mother to overdose and my sister that was more of a mom to me in a car accident when i was 13, yes i know it was a long time ago but stuff like that tramatizes you. Anyway im not saying all of that for a pity party but i think it has taken a toll on my confidence, my weight , and my relationship, and our sex life. When we first met i couldn’t get him off of me but since we had our son i just feel like he feels like having sex is something to hurry up and get over with then to enjoy cause you love eachother. The bad thing is i know i need to lose weight so i can be there for my son but its alot easier said than done. My husband has never complemented me ever since we have been together and when i try to talk to him about it he says he’s tired, but how can i honestly believe that if he hasn’t made an effort to make me feel beautiful. He picks at me i guess he thinks it funny but he calls me a hippo and a fatty. He never called me unattractive but actions speak louder than words.
I just want yall to know that it’s not only are overweight wives told they aren’t desired by Grier husbands. I am very small, I teach Pilates and lift weights twice a week and my husband has still turned away from me. I am not attractive to him any longer. His heart is hard and tho he is a Christian he wants nothing to do with me and a divorce to prove it. It’s a heart problem.
I am overweight. I have gone up and down through marriage. I have lost 35 pounds or so since Jan. these last few years, my husband has not been very interested in sex. He always said it was his stress level and not my weight. Since my weight loss, he is way more into initiating sex. He admitted he is more attracted to me since my weight loss. I am having a hard time enjoying his renewed attraction. Does that make sense? In a way, I feel kind of betrayed. I do not know how to make sense of my feelings.
This is directed to EmmyE. I understand your situation and your mixed feelings about the situation. Its ok to feel betrayed, i would to. Sex is an important aspect in a good healthy marriage. I know first hand how it feels to feel rejected, i know how it is to ask your husband why he rejects you and he says an excuse instead of the truth. Sure he doesn’t say that your unattractive but how are you supposed to feel an different if he keeps rejecting you. My first years of being with my husband i couldn’t get him off of me, i honestly don’t know what happened to us. I started gaining weight because my husband doesn’t communicate with me and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care and i ate my feelings. I know that’s not a healthy way to solve our problems, trust me i know, but now i’m trying to eat less and get back on the healthy track, and it seems like my efforts arn’t helping any. Any time i make a comment about him not wanting to have sex with me he says i’m not with you to have sex i’m with you because i love you. Me and my husband have been through a’lot and you would think our realationship would be stronger than ever , but it’s not seems were further apart and if its like this so early in our marriage i hate to see what the future holds.
I know I have caused a big problem in my marriage. I love my husband very much and I think he loves me. The problem is after 25 years of marriage, we have become to love each other but do not act like we are in love. When I was in my early 20’s I had a surgery and over time became very uninterested in sex and very painful. My husband was very understanding. It was never about him not being attractive, however I think after years of me rejecting him took a toll on our marriage. I think he really resents me and I don’t know how to change it. Even though he never initiates sex, he doesn’t turn me down. It’s just hard when I tell him how nice he looks and all I hear is thank you. I never hear any compliments from him which makes me feel very unattractive. I understand I have caused these problems and don’t know how to change it. He is good to me in so many other ways, but its more like a very close friendship. I know he loves me, but not sure he is in love with me. Help, how do I change the mess I have made.
My husband has told me that I’m not attractive because I’m too skinny. He said if I gained weight, had a big butt, and breasts he might be a little more attracted to me. It hurts when I think about it cause I know a husband isn’t supposed to talk to his wife that way. He has been having an affair with this female for over 2 years now he says because she is what he is looking for. My heart is crushed. I’ve heard him tell other people that I’m ugly. My confidence is so low that I can’t even look at him in the face without feeling like I look horrible. I’m lost at what to do.
Sailing in the same boat as Michelle L. Please help
Hi. I’m searching for answers and don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs. Sex was never a big part in our relationship. We are both in our late 40’s. We’ve both gained a lot of weight in that time. My husband never looked at it as an issue. Just as I don’t look at his weight gain as an issue (I tell him it just makes him extra cuddly). My husband has always been attracted to “big girls”.
So, here’s my issue. My husband has lost interest in me sexually. He hasn’t said as much, but I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. He explains it as his asthma, weight, and acid reflux. Which I accept. BUT, he won’t even touch me in a sexual manner. He wants me to touch him, but that’s where it ends. The last couple of weeks, he’s asked for sex. But I’ve said no. I don’t want this to be one-sided (as it was the same in my 1st marriage). My husband doesn’t like touching me sexually because “it’s not his thing”. He’s asked me repeatedly to make sure I shave my legs and color my hair. So I’ve done it. Did it result in him being interested in me? No. Did he pay more attention to me? No. I tried for a couple of years to be sexy. I’d shower with pretty scented soap. I’d put perfume on. I did my hair the way he says he likes it. I tried pretty nightgowns and jammies. Nada. No interest. So now I’ve just given up. I really don’t care anymore.
The biggest issue with me is the self-esteem. I’ve never had a man interested in me for me. My husband loves me dearly, and I love him. I get lots of hugs and cuddles. Lots of affection. If I want attention, all I have to do is ask. But when it comes to sex, I REFUSE to beg. If he doesn’t like touching me (or any woman) sexually then I’m not going to lay there because I’ve forced the issue. It’s usually a couple of minutes, a “thanks babe”, and a “you know it’s my asthma, I can’t breathe”.
I guess the more I go on the more I see we need real help. I’ve tried addressing the issue, to no avail. This is not a make or break thing. It’s more of an ego thing, I guess. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m ugly. And I know I am. I know what I see in the mirror. I’m 5’4″, 254lbs. My hair is going grey. I’ve had 3 kids and lost and gained a lot of weight over the years. So gravity has not been kind. When men have seen my photo online, they would immediately stop talking to me, no matter how nice and funny I seem. (I no longer do this, but I’m just adding it to make my point.)
I don’t have any close friends or family to confide in. So maybe that’s why I decided to reply to this.
If you can stay in shape you SHOULD stay in shape, you are not honoring or cherishing your spouse of you let yourself go. As you age it’s harder but stay in shape as best you can your entire life, let your partner know that he/she is worth it
I’ve been married since six years and sex has been non existent in my marital life.apart from that my husband was hardly talking to me and I used to complain to him about the lack of communication between us.however slowly and slowly he started loving me and taking great care of me,though sex was still Mon existent in our life.after some years he had sex with me on 2 consecutive nights with the sole intention of fathering a child.and I fell pregnant.since then there was never sex again between us.and I must say I am raising my child alone,my husband has never volunteered to even feed my child or give him a bath.i am unable to forgive him for such lack of consideration for my child and myself. Our frequent arguments has been the reason for which he wants my child and myself to live in a separate house now.and we are on the verge of a divorce.i don’t have issues with my weight,have regained my pre pregnancy size.i have often been quoted as attractive by others but maybe I don’t look attractive to my husband
I see that in your blog you talk about how women should dress or be in shape. Not once you mentioned about men’s porn addiction. How do you fight that? I have done more than porn stars do. I have even lost weight and got flirted by other men. When comes to sex my spouse wants me to make up stories if cuckold. He needs to watch porn before or during sex to keep him aroused. I have been married for 11 years and porn has always been an issue. When I want sex he tells me that he us too tired because he had already beated himself in front of the screen. When he comes to bed at 2 am and wants sex because he got horny from watching porn makes me feel disgusted. I feel like I am his blow up doll just there to do the rest that the porn star in the screen can’t do for him. So again how do you fight that?
Actually, valley, I have about 40 posts on men’s porn addictions (and, in fact, I rank really high on Google for it! I’m one of the primary blogs fighting against porn. Here’s just one post that may help on the effects of porn. Lots of links there to others! And I TOTALLY agree that if a man gets himself aroused through porn you absolutely should not have sex with him. That needs to be confronted and dealt with, as I’ve said before.
How do I forgive my husband for saying I was unattractive because of my weight?
It was two years ago, since then I have lost most of the weight, work out 5 times a week, had a tummy tuck. He never compliments me, and rarely did before. But I can’t get over it. When I fish for complements, saying “I cant eat that, it will make me fat” he usually agrees and supports my decision not to eat it…and offers that maybe I should increase my cardio…i want him to say “you look fabulous, your not fat” but that is not him and it’s not going to change. He thinks he is being honest and supporting a “healthy” life style. He cooks dinner and does homework with our kids so that I can work out.
He has no empathy. He has a hyperthyroid (almost to the point of needing medications) and can eat anything and as much as he wants, he is a non stop athletic guy. He runs ultra marathons and has never been overweight. he doesn’t understand that I don’t love working out and dieting and it is not making me happy.
Divorcing is not on the table, we have two young girls we are raising.
We have had many talks, gone to therapy. He said the biggest problem is that I am not affectionate towards him…I don’t want to hug and kiss him because all I think about is how ugly he thinks I am.
I tell him it is because I don’t feel good about myself and he has said it is not his job to build my self esteem, he says I need to find it within myself and love myself.
This is true, so how do I do it…how do I move on? knowing I cant change him to be openly delighted in me?
I have been married for almost 20 yrs. and am pregnant with #9. I was slender and in shape most of our marriage. With #7&8 I gained weight. I lost a lot during the last half of #8 bc I had gestational diabeties. I now weigh about the same as when we got married.
During our 20 yrs we’ve had ups and downs. We’ve struggled with our self esteems and done things that have hurt each other.
I am very self conscious of my husband looking at other women and of what he thinks about my body ( for reason).
He has tried but I have been so hurt that now something I wouldn’t have noticed or brushed off 15yrs ago will send me spiralling down into depression and self doubt. I hate it and hate him when I feel this way.
How do I deal with things when I feel this way? I get so emotional it is overwhelming. Yesterday I just flew into a rage because I’ve been feeling unattractive and frumpy. (I am 4 mths pregnant, so I don’t fit my clothes and don’t fit my maternity clothes well either).
Anyway, I was talking about when I was at my thinnest just before I got pregnant, how I didn’t feel healthy. I wasn’t eating properly. And he says ” well your ass looked good”.
“Looked”… Looked? As in past tense??? He tried to correct himself after I asked him and then he just got mad at me.
There are a lot of little things, suttle things that I’ve picked up on recently (like your” legs haven’t gained weight”. So what HAS) and put together over the last 20 yrs ( lack of interest and other things) to come to the conclusion that he doesn’t find my pregnant body attractive.
I am devastated. I feel like I would have to be so skinny I’m unhealthy for him to enjoy me and that is impossible at the moment. I hate it. And don’t repect his thinking.
Help me. I am lost in frustration and anger.
I date my husband for 5 yrs before we got married and we are now coming up on 3 yrs of marriage. I have a step child and we have one child together. Our youngest is almost two yrs old and I am currently 8 pounds heavier then my prepregnancy weight and the weight I have pretty much always been but my hips are wider and my body shape has adjusted itself differently. My husband told me that he does not like the way I look and “the skinnier the better”. When I later approached him to tell him I was hurt by his words, he told me he thought hewas doing me a favor by not elaborating on what he thinks about how I look, but I am a nice person and he married me. Now I am shocked and hurt. I ccan’t make my hips shrink back together or my chest to reinstate. Just the other day I told him I felt good about my small tummy and had recovered from a kid with very few stretch marks and very little left over pudge. Now I feel stupid that this whole time he was displeased and that because I am a nice person and he married me he tolerates it. Our sex life has always been good, but right now I can’t even be in the same room as him. Should I get over weight to spite him? Even if I get thin & fit at the cost of family time to please him then be so mad that I wasn’t good enough it won’t fix anything. Staying the same doesn’t seem to fit either, I don’t want him to tolerate a nice person. Feeling very hurt and like the person who is supposed to love me the way I love him has betrayed me.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. I saw your website after my husband and I had a discussion. He told me that he loves me, but doesn’t find me attractive anymore and he wants that to change. It sounds harsh how I just put it but it was a lot better than. He opened my eyes to how he felt. We have two toddlers running around and I also watch two other kids daily. I let myself go tremendously by not getting dressed, not doing my hair, pretty much not taking care of myself and just taking care of others. I use to get my hair and nails done and loved getting ready not only for myself, but for my husband. I’ve always wanted my husband to look at me when we first dated and I feel that slipping away due to my lack. My lack turned into eating my feelings. I didn’t gain a substantial amount of weight but ive gain around 20 pounds this year and I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. He opened my eyes by telling me he is worried about me because he wants everything you stated above. Do I feel awful about myself? Of course but I want to try. Not just for my husband, but to finally feel good about myself. Thank you for posting this!
What a great article. Last night my husband admitted that he sometimes struggles with an attraction to me, but that 50% of the issue is the house. Then that I have a no care attitude with pajamas on and a messy bun. Plus, I have gained about 40 pounds since we married -two years ago. We came up with a plan, time for changes. Thank you for showing that our husband’s need us to be healthier for them! Will share on my blog and marriage group.
This is all good and well when it comes to weight problems… But my issue was a little different. My husband and I were together for 4 years and then married for 18months. Sex was always an issue for us. He told me that he had a low sex drive and that he just didn’t ever feel like it. I believed this for years until one day he told me that he didn’t find me attractive, emotionally, physically or sexually and that he had a horrific porn addiction. I actually AM a size 2, when he left me I was in the best shape of my life and I am actually quite good looking (it’s hard to believe once someone that you love and trust tells you otherwise) I have finally been able to believe it and love myself. It’s nearly a year since we separated and I’ve never been better. However I feel that I will have trust issues for a long time yet. My husbands problem wasn’t that I wasn’t good looking, it was that he was just over me. 2 weeks after we separated he decided that he had made a mistake and that he could “probably take me back” well sorry mate, I’m done! Nearly a year later and he’s still chasing me. Guys… Seriously, think about the person INSIDE, if you love that then I don’t know how you can not love what’s on the outside too!
Amelia, I’m so sorry that your husband did this! That’s awful! But he wasn’t “just over you”; the problem was the porn addiction. That’s what stole him from you. You really can find a man who will love you and that you can trust; just make sure that they’re not using porn at all. That’s what kills relationships–the porn.
Please can someone help me! I’m devastated. I am 41 years old but usually people think I am age 30 or under. I weigh 110lb and am quite short. I am considered to be pretty/gorgeous or whatever and have men looking at me all the time. Problem is my husband was addicted to porn/imagery for 13 years of our 17 year marriage. I did find something on the computer 10 years before he confessed but he lied so well that I didn’t put controls on the computer. 4 years ago the truth all came pouring out he was a sex addict but the porn had stopped around 3-4 years before that (7-8 years ago now). No porn since confession or any other media, but there have been some times of lusting over beautiful random women in public, especially in the summer. He claims this has been infrequent and keeps telling me he’ll stop. When he last confessed I was so heartbroken all over again and asked him why he just wouldn’t stop looking at women as I am beyond being at my wit’s end. He said “because some women are just really beautiful!!”. I am so over this. I have nearly left many many times. Please don’t tell me men are visual. It’s a choice. All I’m asking is for him to move his eyeballs. He has admitted to me that a lot of the women who he has lusted over over the years are more beautiful than me. I just can’t get past this hurt and desperately want to leave but can’t due to our child. I am exhausted from this whole thing. All I’ve ever wanted is a man to love me for me and by captivated by me alone. This is such a painful topic and I’m so sick and tired of it. I hate going out in public with all the imagery and women bombarding me knowing I will never measure up to my husband’s standards.
sorry to hear this, how did it work out?
Good post. As a guy, I am glad someone is at least addressing this issue head-on, because I see it as being a bigger problem in our society then many may think. The problem is that though there are good Biblical guidelines, it is hard to put hard and fast rules that apply to every situation.
In some cases, guys are just being flat out jerks. I read the comments above from women whose husbands are complaining about an extra 5-10 pounds after multiple kids. Really? Are those men that self-focused? I’m embarrassed for my gender when I hear stories like that. On the other hand, there are clearly cases where women (and men) do give up, and it can be very hard for the other partner. I have seen this in multiple marriages, and it does not always end well (though fortunately no divorces). Guys are very visual – that’s the way it is. I also find it interesting that while guys are held to this standard of never bringing up appearance to their wife for fear of being called a shallow jerk, cruising some of the forums on the internet shows that this is a problem many wives have with their overweight husbands. Interestingly, very seldom do they get attacked by other women as being shallow, so I’m not sure why there is a double-standard in this regard.
In terms of your statement about never mentioning a spouses personal appearance, though I do agree in certain cases that is appropriate, to just make a blanket statement like that is using a very wide brush to paint over a very complex problem. As hard as it sounds, some people need to hear that, and I think though it strikes a chord with many of your (mostly female) readers, it is putting certain relationships under a lot of pressure when this absolutely needs to be brought up.
One other point I would like to make is that your statement of never bringing up a spouses appearance is very prevalent in our society, especially in the church. As a consequence of that, I see guys being very picky about the girls they date and marry. Can you blame them? What if men in general started a mantra that a woman was a selfish wife if the time spent on his hobbies (golfing, etc.) was ever brought up. Would women in general not be very careful of who they dated, knowing whatever time their husband spent on their hobbies was automatically “off limits” to discussion from then on in the marriage? The same bitterness and resentment you would (justifiably) feel is exactly what thousands of guys every day have to deal with in regards to their spouses weight. It’s like the emporer’s clothes….everyone knows what’s going on and why, but is afraid to say anything for fear of being labelled shallow. Does this apply to every overweight spouse? Absolutely not! There are some spouses whose health problems or other issues prevent then from maintaining a healthy weight. But if those reasons do not exist, and a husband does not see his wife making an effort to work on something that is important to the vast majority of guys who ever walked the earth, we have a recipe for potential big problems. Unfortunately, when I look around our church, the single ladies that are over 30 are almost exclusively overweight. Some are great ladies, and it’s a shame that they cannot find husbands. It’s hard to blame the guys though, when the underlying tone is clearly that you can never bring up a spouses weight, ever, without being demonized.
The hard truth is, even just 5 pounds extra can be very obvious, depending on your body-type.
There are many beautiful women in this world, and we wives need to humble ourselves. We are not one IN a million. We are one OF a million. And this world is unfortunately plagued with lust, and immodesty…your husband sees it everyday. And he also sees you everyday…the only woman that he is supposed to channel his lust towards.
So yes, it does matter that you are holding on to a few extra pounds. And having children is no excuse for keeping the weight. I have four kids, I humbled myself, I started thinking realistically about what my husband needs, and I lost the weight out of respect for him and myself. Let’s stop making excuses, and stepping around the truth just so other’s feelings don’t get hurt. If your husband takes care of his body, he deserves a wife who takes care of hers.
It isn’t just about exercising more, or what you eat…it is mostly about HOW MUCH you eat. Gluttony has ruined our country. Admit to your vice, and make a positive change!
How should I handle being told by my husband that I’m “just for love…other women are for sex”?
Oh, Kay, that’s so very sad. I’m so sorry! If your husband is pursuing other women, I’ve got some suggestions for books that can help here. And I’ve also got a post on how to be a spouse, not an enabler. If your husband is doing something that is endangering the relationship, putting up with it doesn’t help the relationship. Having him feel the consequences of his actions does. I really hope one of those posts helps!
Thank you Sheila! He is not actively pursuing other women. But he has shared with me that he has obsessive thoughts about other women constantly, and he just can’t think of me the way he thinks about them. I tried explaining that I can be a “good wife” AND a sexual being, but he said he can’t wrap his head around that. I wondered how that can be when we are intimate once in a while? He explained that he needs to “have his pump primed” by other women first, and since he “knows he can’t ever get a girl like that”, he uses me to get his needs met. Am I a fool for staying in this marriage?
Hello,
Please look into the possibility that pornography may affect your man’s relation to women in general, you and sexuality, along with the neurological impact it has on the long term.
This is a site that describes well the consequences of our porn addicted culture.
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
My hope for you and every women, including myself!, that have experienced with the changing view on normal women, pornography brings along in the minds of men, is that we remain proud and loving towards ourselves.
Please consider I am not a native English speaker, if my words or expressions sound weird! 🙂
Best to you all
Love,
Sonia
My husband isn’t atteacted to me anymore and i havent gained weight or changed the way i look. Im very hurt. He doesnt spend time with me or have sex with me except once or twice a week in the morning when its convenient for him. There’s no more affection. Im hurt. Last year he was into porn and dating sites and it tore us apart. When i ask to spend time with him he gets defensive and this is when he told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and he said i looked slutty. I don’t wear revealing clothes so im very confused. I adked him about it, to explain to me what he wanted and he wont. I feel like hes just pushing me away and treating me that way because of the past. I have always been oprn with jim sexually and im starving to be with him more but now i feel shut down after his behavior and comments and don’t know what to do. He will be very angry if i seek help in our community. I feel likr hes attracted to girls at our church now and he shuts me out. Please help.
Aly, the harsh truth is that your husband is a pornographer, and has nothing to do with you. He needs to repent and be delivered from his porn addiction. Focus your prayers in that direction, that the Lord would restore your husband to Christ. Once that happens, the Lord can begin to restore your marriage. I am praying for both of you!
Much to my shame, I am one of those husbands who is no longer attracted to his wife. I hate typing those words.
It’s not the weight – she’s always taken care of herself in that area. It’s her skin care, or lack thereof. She doesn’t do makeup, because “it stresses her out” – despite the fact that she knows I’m a fan of the warpaint. More importantly, she is a redhead, fair-skinned, but spent way too much time tanning in her younger days, and now it’s caught up to her. She looks several years older than she is – deep forehead wrinkles at all times, neck waddle, etc. I can’t look at her, because that’s all I see.
I can’t imagine she doesn’t notice those things as well, but she has never said anything to me one way or the other. I try to focus on the positive and compliment her as much as possible in other areas, (your hair looks nice, I like that top, etc.), but I don’t feel like I can compliment her on her looks, because she would know I am lying.
As the breadwinner, I would gladly pay for anything that would help. She’s suffered from low self esteem as it regards her looks, so addressing these issues – no matter how gently – would not go well. She would go along with it, but I fear it would damage our relationship irreparably. I realize aging is normal, and you can only do so much without getting into Meg Ryan territory. At the same time, I think both spouses owe it to each other to be as attractive to the other as possible – maximize what you’ve got.
I hate that I feel this way – my constant prayer is for God to help me see her through his eyes, to love her the way he loves her. But so far, it has not helped. I find myself finding reasons to avoid her, which again, I hate. Ugh.
I’m also not attracted to my husband, but that’s probably because I’m a narcissist. I treat him well, though. If your wife hasn’t brought up fillers or Botox then you shouldn’t. I’ve been planning my future cosmetic treatments since my 20’s. Ladies who are open to it are usually kind of open about it (based on my experiences at the gym and salons).
Hey, I know this post was done a long time ago, but I just happened upon it recently! There’s a lot of talk about that extra weight, well I am 21, 120 pounds, an 4 months pregnant with my third child an yet my husband does not find me attractive. My husband finds large breasts attractive but God made me with a smaller chest. I have tried many things to change this- pills, cream, eating a lot to try an pick up weight, an yet God wants me to stay exactly how I am. This damages my self esteem, I am fearful to ever take off my shirt because I know he doesn’t find my body attractive! But how do u do this ? How do u still thrive in the sexual area ?
In many ways this angers me. God made all bodies beautiful, not just skinny ones an those with large breasts. I know that is the worlds way of thinking an if they want to think that way, fine. But really should Christian men have the worlds way of thinking too? will I only be beautiful to God, an never to my husband because of my lack of breasts an big butt? But yet my husband is overweight, still I know that in no way can I look at him an say ur too fat, because God thinks he’s perfect an I believe me as a Christian is supposed to think the same way.
Does anyone feel the same way, or is my opinion really out ?
Hi Angela! You’re definitely not “out there”. I think the grace you have towards your husband’s weight is lovely, and I’m sorry that he’s making you feel so badly about yourself. Can you talk to him about this? Just sit down and say, “when you let me know you feel this way, it makes me less likely to want to give sexually. It makes me want to cover up and not be adventurous. It makes me shrivel up. Is that really what you want from our sex life? I want us to feel like we’re one, and like it is truly intimate, but I feel as if you saying, “you’re only attractive if you have big breasts” makes sex into something that’s only physical, and that’s so shallow and it saddens me. Can we talk about this?”
What do you do if your husband tells your boobs sag and you don’t have curves in all the right places
You tell him that only high value men have wives like that because they can afford the upkeep. If he wants a wife like that he needs to foot the bill.
You probably shouldn’t say that, but it’s the truth. looking that way past a certain age is expensive.
My husband isn’t attracted to be either and he wont have sex with me. Im 31 years old. Ive gained 10 lbs. I used to weigh 120 so Im not overweight but Im going to lose the ten lbs. I shower everyday and fix my hair and do a tasteful do if putting makeup on. I think Im attractive and other people think I am only 20-23 years old. I want my husband to love me. However, I feel neglected because we are really just roommates who mostly ignore eachother. I feel disrespected because he refuses to work on the problem, he prefers social media, looks at other women even while sitting in the pew at church (i hate sitting in church now) and behaves overly friendly ad fake in front of others and turns off when our door shuts. I feel like my life is over.
Alicia, that’s so tough–and really, so, so wrong. It sounds as if your husband has been really poisoned by our culture’s view of beauty and sex, and just won’t see it any other way. I think bringing in a third party, like a counselor, may be a very good idea. Or starting to set some boundaries, like, “if I see you looking at other women in church, I will get up and move to another pew.” But I think you need to tell someone the problems you’re having and ask them to help you, because this is really serious. And it sounds as if you’ve lost your friendship, too, which is also really sad. Can you try to find some fun things to do together that aren’t tense–maybe things outside the house that don’t involve the computer? And try to rebuild a relationship so that you can talk about some of these things? But I do think that you need to talk to someone else, too. So sorry you’re going through this!
My husband told me that when I was pregnant i was a repulsive fat whale and i shoukdnt expect him to be ok with having sex with me since hes been used to having sex with a skinny woman. I only gained 40 pounds during the whole pregnancy and lost 30 of it the day I gave birth. I cried when i found out I’m pregnant again. Not only am i going to get bigger but its twins so I’m going to get huge. He’s going to hate me, I’m too thin so there’s no way im going to be able to hide it all. Last time he had an emotional affair that I had the misfortune of discovering. He was mad at me for answering his phone, that’s how I met the girl. Hes going to find someone else this time when i get big, he’s going to want someone he finds sexy and it won’t be me in a few months. I don’t know what to do, I exercise and eat OK. I have a bmi of 16 right now (high metabolism not an eating disorder) but babies have to go somewhere and its going to be out.
Some of your advice is right but what I read overall, the husband won’t change and we need to change. I don’t get it! We have to be presentable at all times to satisfy him.! How about the husbands? Did you tell him that he has to change? Every article offers advice on how to keep your man. I have yet to see articles that offers advice to men on keeping their women.
That’s a great question, and I answer it right here. Quick answer: this blog is for women, so it really makes no sense to write posts on what men should do. That may help us to feel better, but it won’t solve the problem. And also: the only thing we can change is ourselves, so let’s do what is in our power!
I married my husband seven years ago. He’s a great man, truly one of the most godly men I’ve ever met in my life. He’s caring, kind, helpful, an excellent provider, a great dad, and a very attentive husband. He was overweight when I married him (5’8″, 215 lbs), which was fine. I prefer “bigger” men so it wasn’t an issue. Prior to getting married, he told me that his weight had fluctuated significantly in the past, and that at his higher weights, he had had high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol, which he’d treated by losing weight.
In the last five years, he’s put on another 50 lbs or so. (He doesn’t tell me his weight and I don’t ask.) His blood pressure is way up. Initially he told his doctor that he didn’t want medications and that he’d lose weight to treat it. When the weight loss didn’t happen after 18 months, I urged him to follow up with his doctor and get put on medication, which he did with some resentment as he kept telling me he was going to lose weight.
Long story short, his weight has crept up and up. He now has multiple medical issues (high blood pressure and cholesterol, sleep apnea, chronic pain) and, due to chronic pain, cannot be physically active for more than a few minutes at a time. Sex is awkward at best. I find myself pushing his belly up so I can breathe when we are trying to be intimate. I love him and will be with him “until death do us part”, but intimacy with him is difficult and I no longer find him sexually attractive.
He told me last week that he thinks I find him “repulsive”. Sometimes I do, it’s true. Between his weight issues, halitosis, and the fact that he doesn’t shower frequently, I really struggle with being intimate with him. In exasperation, after asking him for years to brush his teeth and shower before intimacy with me, I told him that I don’t find him physically attractive and that I needed him to improve his personal hygiene and lose some weight. I know that hurt him. Of COURSE it hurt him. I’d be devastated if he said that to me! He then said “I know I’m fat but what if I lose the weight and you’re still not attracted to me?” I was attracted to him when I married him, and he was overweight then, so I think losing at least a bit of the weight will help with my attraction to him. That, and attending to hygiene needs more consistently.
Regardless of his weight, I do love HIM! But I don’t love his body. He says if I really loved him his size wouldn’t be a source of ongoing frustration for me. I feel that if he really loved himself, or me, he would at least try to be a bit healthier. Skinny isn’t in his future, or mine, and that’s ok! (I’m on the short side, and am at nearing the top of my weight range for BMI.) But the chubby, fit guy he used to be was sexy. This guy isn’t so much.
Our marriage is strained now. It’s my fault. He’s great in every way except his weight. And bluntly telling him that yes, he is fat and needs to lose weight was unhelpful and hurtful. I just…didn’t know what else to do. Obviously it’s my attitude that needs to change. I’m working through a Christian marriage course for women. I’m praying for him daily now, which I wasn’t doing consistently before. I’ve realized I need to find a different view of “attractive” and that my standard should be based on who he already is and what he looks like now.
I know many of you on this board are in the same boat and I guess I just needed to vent. I wonder how long it will take him to trust me again? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I’m praying God will change my heart.
Thank You for this article… I needed it. My husband masturbates everyday to one of my friends pictures or someone on the internet. Ive read othet articles saying its natural and hes just a guy what do i expect. I’ve read articles that said I fantasize and cheat that’s why I’m insecure…. I have never done either of those things, I’ve grown up to crappy to think that is what I wanted for my life. He only has sex with me in the dark maybe once a month and calls me someone else’s name. There is no intimacy unless he is holding my hand to show we have a strong marriage. In the beginning He would call me his ex wifes name all the time, even during sex. Where did I go wrong. What am I doing wrong. Should I really have passed up 4 kids and a monogamous relationship?
Eve, that is DEFINITELY not all right! Definitely not. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Please find someone to talk to, like a counselor or a pastor, that you can walk through this with. That sounds like a very toxic relationship, and I’m really, really sorry.
Dear Sheila,
Thank you for this article. It touched me deeply, though my situation is quite the opposite. I have been married to my lovely wife for 13 years. We have three awesome kids now, and I find her more beautiful than ever. But here is the problem; No matter how much I tell or show her how attractive and beautiful I find her…she doesn’t feel sexy anymore because of her c-section scar and some loose skin on her lower abdomen. She ‘thinks’ she will be happier with a tummy tuck, but she also feels that it is a silly thing to do. As much as I would like to see her happy, I know this isn’t the solution, because it isn’t getting to the root of the problem, her self-esteem. She turns heads wherever she goes. She is beautiful in the eyes of many who lay their eyes on her. I could not have asked for a more loving a kind human being to share my life with. Somehow, what I think of her, and what everyone else thinks of her doesn’t matter…at all. She wants to look good naked in the mirror to herself, as she puts it. And boy, have we stayed up longs nights talking about this. I feel like if I support her desire to get an operation, that I am hurting her by not allowing or helping her to cultivate a proper viewpoint of herself and her body. I wish I could take her pain away. Whats worse is that she is refusing to let me see her body, as if I was a stranger, and it hurts me too.
Any thoughts?
HELP PLEASE!
So I am in a similar situation. I am young, fit, pretty and am constantly eager to have sex with my husband. Although he told me that he is having problems finishing or getting the drive to have sex because my breasts are too small. He said he is very ashamed but wanted to be open with me about it.
I am a 36C but have always been self-conscious about my size since I have a wider shoulders . Him telling me this has bothered me more than I expected.
What can I do to help myself heal this emotional wound?
Do you have any advice I can use to help him?
That’s really tough! I understand; I’m on the smaller side too and I’ve always been sensitive about it. I would just tell him that it really hurt you. There’s nothing you can do about your breast size, and he knew that going into the marriage. So it’s ON HIM to find you attractive. No one has a perfect body, and sex is not supposed to be just physical anyway. It’s about the sum total of your relationship. Really explain how it made you feel. And honestly? I don’t understand why spouses say things like this. Certain things are better kept to themselves so they can fight it off themselves, rather than burdening their spouse with it.
I love my husband so very much, I know he loves me. I have five children, none which are his. I am in a size five to seven ( us sizes) I’m tall and have tan skin. I’m attractive to other men, I get offers. But my husband isnt attracted to me. A year ago he told me he wasn’t as physically attracted to me as he was, because I gained to much weight. He told me if I lost the weight he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I lost all but five pounds, tried to be more sexy with flattering clothes, fixing myself up. I used to be a dancer, very confident, I’m to the point I never want to see a mirror again. I’ve tried to get him to be with me for sex night in a row we are not at the seventh night and I don’t care anymore. The first couple nights were great emotionally, spiritually, and physically. After that it was empty. I tried being seductive. I don’t know what to do. He just keeps telling me I can get where he wants me I was what he found attractive when I was a teen. I’m in my 30 now. I don’t know what to do. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep over it.
Michelle, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it sounds like your husband is enjoying being able to manipulate and control you. Demanding that you lose five pounds or become some unrealistic ideal is controlling and abusive behaviour, and is not right.
Also, I’m confused. If you’ve been with him since you were a teen, how do you have five children that aren’t his? It sounds like this may be a very dysfunctional relationship and you should likely get someone to talk to help you figure out how to draw boundaries, find your self-esteem, and make some good choices for a healthy family. I’d really advise seeking out a counselor. If you can’t afford one or don’t know where to go, find a big church because they often have counseling ministries. And don’t be afraid to ask for help!
No we have only been together for 6 years. I had the children with my ex-husband. He has seen pictures and we met once when I was in my early 20s. He says that I was hot when I was a teen and in my early 20s.
The part that hurts is he doesn’t even know he hurts me when he says these things. He is a very loving man. He tells me he loves me, he touches me, he’s just not sexually attracted to me. He is attracted to a smaller woman. And trust me I have tried. Went from size 12 to a 7/5 depending on the jeans. He says he doesn’t want me to lose it for him. What he doesn’t get is because of that comment I am.
Hello Sheila, Ijust came across your site as am sinking again in my melancholia.
Dont even know how to put this into words but i will try.
When I met wife, she already had a kid of 5, but then i decided that was not an issue.
I have to admit she helped me a lot 2 years later after we met and later I migrated to her country to close the distance for good.
I faced a lot of financial issues.administrative paperworks for foreigners and a lot of money involved more than i did plan. I run out of cash and suprinsilgly without a doubt she spent all her income on me, for alomts a year of documents processing.And after all that is done I decided to marry her, sure i did love her. Not romeo and juliet love but i did. and I didnt know how to break up with her after all she did for me, she cared for me, was patient and spent all she had, i know i may sound crazy, but out of respect and the “right thing to do” i married her. Little did i know that afer 4 years of relationship where i didnt see her body(naked). Things are not what they are after that.
totally saggy chest, and looked older than her age. am 33 she is 31 now. meanwhile everyone thinks am 25 and she is 35.
I told her with exercice. food selection and some supplemnt she can recover. after a year I find her totally not attractive. honeslty am distguessed disappointed.
I dont ask for much, just that as a man who gotarried for the 1st time. i just want a woman i can fight joy seeing her naked. i know its not just about the body but.only that its a point that matters to me. i see ladies of 40s that look younger than her.
I used to wonder God who knows all things allowed me to get to this? while 6 years ago the love of my life, my ex broke up with me. people told me if she was the right one for me she will.come back to me. so i waited amd now am like.is this the right one for me now? What have i done to Hod then? He who knows all things and can do all.things?
i can stay months without asking her of any sex and she wont dare ask me that in return.
she finds me attractive and appealing but then i cantnsay the same. am a beliver and know i can divorce her. i dont even want to divorce her, you know apart from that she is a good person in heart, and she noticed am disappointed and am sure she also is worried about that, she is putting in some effort but not that great change.
my mind is twisted, i dont understand anymore. i prayed a lot and i could feel the Lord guiding us in various challenges.
is there a way out ?
did this ever happen before to anyone on earth?
Josh, I’m sorry, but let me get this straight. This woman helped you immigrate to another country. She financially supported you. She loves you no matter what. She helped you get where you wanted to be in life.
And now you’re miserable and you’re making her feel miserable because her breasts sag?
Quite frankly, you don’t deserve her. If you can’t see past her body which is aging naturally and just choose to love her no matter what, then you do not deserve to be happy. And you will never be happy with anyone else, either, because nobody’s body stays the same over time.
Perhaps what you need to do is to challenge yourself to love her and to act lovingly towards her and to have fun with her. I’m sure she’s withdrawing from you because you’re treating her so terribly. You have no one to blame here but yourself.
As to why it happened–it’s because you chose to let something that doesn’t ultimately matter matter more than your love for her. You say you’re a believer. Well, then, act like it.
Such a great comment, Sheila!
Really needing some advice please.
I ve been married 2 years now and my husband and i are less intimate as time goes on. its been 4 months now and nothing. im always rejected if i try to move a move on him, before we got married my husband would should me and tell me he was attracted to me and i felt it, now his so different we are like room mates that kiss and cuddle. i have no one i can really talk to about this. i have asked him so many times what is his issue. he says its because he has gained weight and he doesnt feel good about him self. i have gained some weight too but i still find him super attractive. he says he does find me attractive and its not me its him, but he doesnt show me he finds me attractive or sees me in a romantic way anymore. i feel that he is lying and he actually doesnt find me attractive anymore. i really dont know how to feel about all this and im just so depressed and im always angry at him i feel less and less connected to him. also im not overweight im only 55kgs but i was 46kg when we got married. im so sad that slowly has my husband has stopped being attracted to me and i dont know what to do.
Advice on this would be great
I’ve recently read how my husband feels about me that he fakes it and his not attracted to me I’m faithful and love him to my core I’ve noticed he didn’t want to be intimate with me it’s been about 3 years reading what he wrote hurt….,,never had I imagined that he felt this way I thought it even asked just to be told I was crazy…. I’m not sure what to do or how to feel except torn and broken to pieces!! How can you say you love someone only to break them down I feel like the most unattractive and broken women that there can be!!
My partner recently broke up with me, there were some good reasons around it but he also mentioned that he’s not as attracted to me anymore. I asked him if that’s why he hasn’t been having sex with me and if that’s why he watches porn instead, he said yes.
I feel completely devastated.
We are back together now. I love him very much and I know that he loves me but I’m struggling. I am trying so hard to lose weight and get to a point where he is attracted to me again. I find him so so attractive and I really want to have sex. It makes me feel so close to him and it makes me feel desirable.
Last night I slept on the couch with my almost two year old because she was coughing and he needed sleep for work in the morning. This morning he was running a little late for work and didn’t really have time to give me a hug, I understood that because he had said that his alarm hadn’t gone off.. But later on as I was tidying up I picked up a pair of his underwear off the floor beside the bed so I could put them in the wash and they were stuck together…..I bawled my eyes out. I’m not sure if he lied to me but it certainly seems so, that and it feels like how I feel and what I want don’t really matter to him.
I’m hurting a lot but I also don’t want to talk to him about it because he says that it puts pressure on him and makes him want to be close to me less.
I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it but I suppose I can here because I can be anonymous.
I really love him and, as I said, he really loves me too, I know he does. I think that he just gets really caught up in himself sometimes. He does give me hugs and do nice things for me and I really appreciate it.
I’ve tried looking up how to gracefully deal with rejection because he also gets put off if I get upset about things so I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to seem to be putting pressure on him. I’m working really hard not to take it personally and to make changes to look after myself and my body.
He tells me he loves me and that love is different from attraction, which I get. I suppose what I really want is for him to love me the way I love him, for him to want to make me feel amazing about myself, for him to lift me up instead of making me feel like I’m not good enough.
I don’t want to end up resenting him.
I am under weight. This happened recently after a surgery. My husband finds me so repulsive that he turns his head away from me when I’m naked so he doesn’t have see me. I find myself apologizing if he walks in and I’m not fully clothed. He, of course, accepts my apology. He says I look anorexic and skinny like Twiggy. He is over weight, but I still love him. I am so broken on the inside over this. I always thought that you were supposed to love the whole person. I am not touched, not shown love, not given any affection or attention. Instead, I get to watch him give all his time, attention, and affection to our cat. It hurts. I feel so ugly.
Am I the only one that thinks I would look like a ridiculous saggy bag of bones if I weighed what I weighed at 18 or 20?!
I have more skin now. And more curves. I’m so blessed to have a husband who understands this and has loved me and wanted me at every stage!!
Also, I work really hard at losing weight because I’m not where I’m comfortable. He still chases me around despite the 30ish lbs I want to lose.
I totally agree! And it sounds like you have a great husband!
My husband and I have been married for 8 weeks but we haven’t made love yet. I have medical issues which has meant I can’t go on the pill etc. until I’ve finished my tests (early next year), so we have to use condoms. He is a virgin so is used to masterbating. We kiss and he gets aroused but we put a condom on and he goes soft. I’ve been wondering if it’s me and he’s said no. But last night he said my size was part of the problem which devastated me but also confused me – I’m the same size I was when we met (I’ve actually lost a bit of weight). I’m so hurt and don’t know what to do. I don’t feel we can talk to our Pastor as it’s embarrassing. I’m now questioning whether he ever fancied me and why he married me. Please help.
Oh, Jessica, I’m so sorry! Masturbation can definitely hurt someone, and if he’s been using porn, it very well could be that he’s trained his brain to be aroused by an image so he has a hard time within a relationship. I’d confront the porn issue and make sure that’s not part of it. Then see if there may be underlying sexual identity issues or sexuality issues. I’m so sorry, this must be so difficult! But you may have to talk to a counsellor and confront this, because it isn’t normal.
I have been married to my husband for almost 30 years, we are both in our fifties. For the last few years we rarely make love, basically when we do he cannot maintain the hardness, so rarely enters me, normally I just do a hand job or such. He is addicted to porn and can get off with that. I am not overweight but have gained 20 pounds since having 4 kids whom are now grown. My husband rarely tells me he thinks I am pretty or that he loves me. He does not initate playing around like butt smacks, boob grabs, etc. He use to but not anymore. He had once said that it bothers him that he cannot keep it hard to make love to me. but i think it is because he does not find me attractive, I have saggy boobs and a belly, I am not tone and young and fit anymore like what he watches on TV. I feel like why should I take care of myself he doesn’t want me . talking to him only makes him defensive or he tries to make it my fault, that I do not do sexy stuff to turn him on. I am very hurt now depressed, why keep trying when he does not want to give up the porn. Most nights he is watching some sort of movie. we are “Christians” but struggle with that too. I don’t know what to do, I do not want to leave him but feel I cannot maintain the depression for the rest of my life. he does not help around the house, so i feel more like a cook, maid, and laundry person than a wife. totally in despair
Oh, TJ, I’m so sorry! I want to tell you, though, that your husband’s inability to maintain an erection is not really because there’s something wrong with you; it’s an absolutely normal side effect of porn, and it happens no matter WHAT the wife looks like. She could be a supermodel and he still wouldn’t be able to complete the deed, because he can no longer perform with a real person. Only with pornography.
This won’t get better. It will only get worse. You just have to decide if you can live with this your whole life, or if you want to do something about it. And remember–your husband is hurting himself horribly. So you also have to ask, “do I want to enable him to keep doing this to himself?”
I would read this post on the top effects of porn and this one on 4 things you must do if your husband uses porn. And then I would take a firm stance: do you want the porn or me? You say you have 4 kids. I’d even bring them into the equation if necessary. They need to know what’s happening so that they can go to their father and say, “we are so disappointed in you and we want you to stop.” You need to draw some boundaries. I know this is difficult, but there is no other way. It has a hold on him, and unless he starts feeling the consequences of his actions, he won’t stop, and he will ruin his life and yours.
I don’t know if you’ll see this or not, but I’m seeking a bit of advice. I am very overweight. It’s something that I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’m currently about the weight when we got married, but I’m still way too big. I was at a higher weight, lost about 90 pounds, gained half back. Even at my lowest weight I could stand to lose weight. (I am currently losing weight, to note) Anyway, getting that out of the way, my question is following. My marriage is rocky right now, but hopefully we will be able to work things out. At the first of the year, when we addressed all the various issues, one of the last things my husband told me, was that he is not physically attracted to me. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more shattered. How do I recover from this? How do I heal? All I can do now is compare myself to other women, and have a constant inner dialogue that my husband is checking out other women. I dread even going out in public because I feel like there are attractive women everywhere. I’d love to get some direction to start healing. Thank you.