Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who needs to talk with a friend:
What do you do if you don’t have a good friend who you can vent about your husband with? I understand the importance of not bad-mouthing my husband. I want to be respectful. (And I do have a very good man who loves me, loves our kids, and loves God.) There are times when I’m worn out, tired, and/or frustrated. But I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So I stuff it. I know that isn’t healthy either.
What do you think? How should she handle this?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I know how she feels. I have found that I can still talk to God who listens all the time. I know that it is not the same as talking to a live person, but God does listen and care. He might even direct you to someone who you can talk with.
Also, if you pray out loud to the Lord, you will hear how the words sound out loud and receive a new perspective on what you’re saying to Him. Sometimes, speaking and hearing your words out loud, helps you clarify your thoughts. At least it works for me. Also writing a rant sheet is another clarifying tool. Write it or type it, get it all out, edit it if you want to, then read it and then delete it or print it and rip it up and then delete it.
This may not be a very satisfying answer, but how about talking to your husband? I have a friend who said she is best friends with her fiance. She says when she is annoyed with “J” the fiance, she talks about it to “J” the best friend. If you have a good relationship with your husband (which it sounds like you do), you should be able to talk to him about anything, even if it’s about him.
I agree with this. I try never to say anything ABOUT someone that I haven’t or wouldn’t say TO that person, and that’s especially true with my husband. If I have something negative on my mind, I have several options: I can talk to him about it, and hopefully find a solution. I can think it through and come up with a way to change my own behavior to help solve the problem without having to have the conversation (not in a passive-aggressive way, but always in a positive way). Or, I can decide that it’s really not that big of a deal, and I need to just pray on it and let it go. It’s not always easy, but having that honesty has been good for our relationship.
I too can understand your frustration. I currently do have wonderful friends whom I can talk to and such, however that hasn’t always been the case.
I agree with the first comment that you can and really you should go to God with your frustrations first. Prayer is so important to all relationships and He truly does care, He sees things exactly as they are and know exactly how you’re feeling too. It is also really nice because you don’t have to worry about if you’ve said too much and have been disrespectful or negative because God is perfect and won’t hold it against your husband and will also niggle your heart to ask for forgiveness when you cross the line.
I also think that once you’ve talked with the Lord you should be able to vent your frustrations respectfully to your husband. I know that for my husband it actually hurts his feelings more when I DON’T share my frustrations about him with him. He is a godly man and strives to be a godly husband and can’t do that when I stuff my feelings. You might ask your husband if he feels the same way then you’ll know that you can go to him in confidence when you do have frustrations, knowing that he wants to hear them even if they’re hard and that more importantly he wants to grow and resolve said issues.
I have also found that talking with my mother-in-law has been invaluable to me in dealing with issues surrounding my husband. She raised him, she loves him, and she sees his quirks and struggle areas and has since he was little. I understand that might not be possible for you, but it is a strategy I have used to the benefit of both my relationship with my husband but with my mother-in-law.
However, I do know how important it is to have girlfriends, women who you can go to for anything and not only just about your marriage. I would encourage you to pray for God to send a woman into your life who will be this for you, regardless of where either of you are. Part of having a confidant is working at growing a relationship with your female friends to this level and that takes time and effort and a willingness on your part to be vulnerable and open up to possible hurts. Friendship with women is such an incredible blessing that the work and pain associated with developing it is worth it in the long run.
Many Blessings!
thumbs up … seeking older women who’ve walked through the ups and downs of marriage!
im going through a real tough time in my marriage battling with forgiveness for something he has done so most of my vents, worries, and frustrations right now are the cause of him….BUT despite it all i love him and we are working through and honestly he is still my best friend so i talk to it with him. sometimes i know its hard for him to hear and he may not want to talk about it when i do but he listens and understands……. i don’t have many friends to talk to about it except the first lady of our church who has been by my side every step of the way but sometimes her also being a my co-pastor our talks just aren’t enough (most of the time i already know what she is going to say). ….talking to my husband helps….sometimes when i feel i cant talk to him. i write it down in my journal. it helps….sometimes i let him read it. sometimes i dont….usually they are alll written from the point of view that its written to him (it helps so much even when i know he wont see it) and sometimes when i talk to someone else or write it. it still dosent give me the same relief as actually telling him
may not be the best of ideas for you or your situation but i thought i would share what is currently working for me
I understand your frustration, and I agree that at times we just want to let it out and have someone to commiserate with, but honestly, that isn’t always the best thing for our marriage. Girlfriend “talk” sessions can go south really quickly if you’re not careful. I do have 2 friends who I confide in, but even then, I know that I have to be very cautious and not feed my “woe is me” feelings. My purpose in sharing with them should always be to seek wisdom and truth. If all I’m getting is “oh girlfriend, I’d be madder than a hornet too!!!”, then these aren’t women who are challenging me to love my husband and respect him in all things.
You say that your husband is “a very good man who loves me, loves our kids, and loves God.” That is wonderful… focus on that. When you have a day or week when you are frustrated with things, perhaps spend some time writing your thoughts out to God, pray over them, and then burn the paper you’ve written on. That way you have had the freedom to spill out your honest feelings, but then you surrender them to God and move on.
Is there an older woman in your church who you can ask to meet with on occasion as a mentor? That would give you someone to be honest with and since she is further down the marriage path than you, and hopefully wiser, she can gently and lovingly give you feedback in those areas that you struggle with your husband over.
And here’s something else to think about. I have a friend who serves in an area of ministry with my husband. Just the other day she said this to me… “Your husband always speaks of you with such sweetness and respect. I can hear how much he loves and admires you by the way he talks about you. That is a rare thing… you don’t hear that often.”
This blew me away. Not that I ever imagined that he badmouths me, but to hear that he talks of me in such a respectful, caring way really made me feel loved and valued. Imagine how our husbands would feel if somebody felt compelled to let them know that we always speak of them with such love and respect.
I know this doesn’t address the problem of “stuffing” your feelings, but perhaps Mrs. P is right, that we need to go to our husbands when we are frustrated with them, rather than our best friends.
Agree in theory, but there are some things that men just don’t get. They don’t always get the way we think and they don’t get the way we think. Sometimes we do need another perspective – not that we want to bad-mouth them, but we want to know if our friends have figured out the best way to deal with that kind of thing. Here’s hoping that are husbands are our best friends and that the women we’re friends with never surpass them in our hearts.
I meant to say in the second half that “…we don’t get the way they think.”
I used to go to a friend or my mom for these matters, and it really did some negative things to my marriage. I found that venting to someone out loud made my heart less prone to give him the respect he deserves, and so many things were impacted by that heart attitude.
I take things to God, wait, hold my tongue, share concerns with my husband when I think it is necessary…. some of it is really my own perspective and God reveals that I am the one with growing to do.
I have also found the book “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie OMartian to be an extremely beneficial resource.
Do not go to your mother-in-law! We all have a very different relationship with our MILs, and mine is the BEST. Not know what yours is like, i would bot recommend this. Your marriage is none of her business. If you can, ask her questions about marriage in genersl, but don’t air your dirty laundry.
I can’t really say I agree. I wouldn’t talk to her about absolutely everything, but my mother in law has been fantastic to talk to about certain things to do with my husband. It’s not about speaking negatively about my husband, it’s about respecting the fact that she has known my husband far longer than I have and knows many things about him that I do not. Her advice has been invaluable. There is nothing I say to her that I don’t say to my husband – in fact many of our conversations have included him in it. Her advice has helped us in some of the really tough times.
Oops. My reply is to the commenter below you 😉
Anonymous, I agree with you 100%! I used to vent to my mom and sister. This led to a lot of tension between me and my husband. He felt like I was talking about him behind his back. He also made the point that our marriage is between us and God so it is no one else’s business. There is a difference between seeking advice and airing your dirty laundry. If you truly need someone to talk to about problems in your marriage I suggest speaking to your husband first and then seeking out a counselor. Don’t just seek out someone to vent to.
Blog about it! Talk to Sheila through email. Show yourself friendly and you will have friends. Sift through for one like minded who you feel you can trust, build a relationship (that’s a test in and of itself) Best friends relationships are built, not made so this wont happen overnight.
I would NEVER encourage blogging about marital problems. Especially while they are ongoing. Do you really think your husband would appreciate you telling the entire world exactly what he is failing at? I would say it is acceptable to blog about how to deal with marital issues (as Sheila does); however, there is a difference between trying to educate others and just tearing down your husband.
It’s not necessarily tearing down your husband if you are honest …. http://wearethatfamily.com/ I think this blog does a great job of being honest while honoring one another as well
I personally like the idea of going to his mom, if that is possible. She has always loved him, always will, and should want to see your marriage grow and prosper for both your sake (and the sake of her grandchildren! 😉
I am not able to do that with my mother in law, and I feel so sad about it. It has definitely taught me to work hard for a relationship with my (future) daughter in law, so as to help her always view my son as preciously as I do–and more importantly, for my son and daughter in law to view one another with as much value as God does.
I tried talking to god long ago. It’s like talking to a wall. I was very alone. I had no friends. Yet I knew better than to talk to my parents or people close to me about our issues. That is unhealthy and creates more problems.
What I found was a friend online thousands offers away who didn’t know me. We still talk today 20 years later. Are very close and talk about our issues and knowing that there will never be awkward moments cause we never met and never will.
We help each other. We don’t judge each other. We don’t give advice unless asked… And then we are gentle. We can and do say what we feel and we both are very honest with each other.
She is a true friend. One worth more than gold. We been there for each other. Yet we don’t just talk to each other. We remind each other to talk to our spouses as well… But we are there for support.
I thank god for such a friend. I know friends like this are rare. There are so many online mom support groups with decent supportive controls to keep it safe.
I met many people in person who were far more dangerous! If you use common sense and go slow and keep your info private. Your be ok. I think if your an adult this safe.
It was a lifesaver for me. Not only did this person become my best gf she helped me with my Abuse issues… Encouraged me to see a therapist and literally changed my life…
Mimi
When I was first married, I felt SOOO alone! It was awful. It was during these times when I would take my Bible, find a quiet spot to pray and read. God brought me such comfort and peace. I always knew He was there. I grew up in a very non-communicative home, and over the years, I have learned (with my husband’s help) to sort out my issues with him. I VERY occasionally go to my married sister (my best friend) for advice and prayer. I never vent about my husband! We always want to do our very best to uplift our husbands, and having a man-bashing session with girlfriends is a very dangerous place to be. God knows the desires of your heart. Talk to Him. It’s so beautiful to see come to fruition the things that you long for, without saying a thing!! And please go to your man. Share your heart. Be loving and kind. And grow together in unity!
When I needed to vent some heartaches about our marriage (which my husband was already well aware of), I talked to him about my need to get things off my chest and have support, and then I asked him who he would be comfortable with me talking to. He chose his parents, and they have been a great source of comfort, support, and accountability for us together AND individually. I know this is a great blessing that many people do not share, sadly.
Just to say thank you for the question and for all who took time to respond. This is my first time here and today I am pleased to take with me three things from your responses. 1. To always talk to God about my unfavourable marriage issues first. 2. Then to talk to my husband about these my feelings about these issues at an appropriate time which will deepen our friendship. 3. Finally I have learnt to talk about my husband with respect when I am with my friends. Thank you so much everyone. God bless you real good.
Pray, pray, pray that God would put someone in your life who will listen without judging your husband. There have been a few women, all about a generation older than mine, whom God has put in my life at instrumental times to the benefit of my marriage and my sanity. I have found these older women have gone through the highs and lows of marriage and were able to offer counsel with wisdom for me and grace toward my husband. I do not typically go to friends my own age because I am very protective of my husband’s reputation within our shared circle of friends, but that’s a personal call.
Ask your husband when is a good time in general to bring a concern to his attention (not when you’re biting your tongue and about to boil over, anyway). If he can give you a time frame I think that would help you feel like you have more of a voice within your marriage. If he’s not sure of any good time, pray that HE will bring up those conversations instead. I am in that boat!
Pray that you will not be resentful about this. I am preaching to the choir!! Ask God for a way out of that temptation and He will give it to you. Maybe you can write down prayers about the issue/s at hand. I find that I come to a better place in my thoughts at the end of writing them out than I did when I began. I also recommend The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Never stop praying for your husband’s good. Hang in there and hang on to God.
two thumbs up!
I think even if you have a good friend to share with you need to set up ground rules. One of my best girl friends and I decided we could talk to each other about spouses, but we had to keep what was said between us, listen seriously to any advice, and it was understood that we both love our husbands and even when frustrated we will get over it so not to hold anything against them.
What do you do if you don’t have a good friend who you can vent about your husband with?
Sorry, but venting about your husband to others is extremely disrespectful to your husband and to your marriage. So don’t vent.
If you have problems or issues that need to be addressed, then discuss them with your husband. If you are not comfortable discussing these issues with your husband, then you shouldn’t be comfortable discussing them with anyone else, let alone “venting”.
I have never spoken ill of my wife to anyone and I expect the same from her. There are enough people in this world who vow to love, honor and cherish their spouse only to turn around and “vent” to others when their spouse turns out to be less than perfect. Don’t be part of that crowd.
Ah but men don’t necessarily talk to process things and women do and sometimes you guys don’t want to hear all the details so it can be a good thing to talk to older women or women in Godly marriages for ways to approach issues from a different perspective. That does NOT necessarily mean talking down about hubby.
Totally agree Holly. “Venting” is not about talking negatively – it’s about admitting you need help to work out your feelings and seeking help.
Keep a journal of the good and the bad. Later, rip out and burn the bad pages. My husband and I once in a while will write down all of the things that we are struggling with in our marriage, whether it is our fault or not, then we just burn the page and pray together. Even though it doesn’t “fix anything” it always makes us feel better that we are releasing those poisonous things to God. If whatever is bothering you is something you need to share lovingly, share it! If you need to let it go, figure out what works for you to let it go instead of keeping it inside.
I like this idea!!!
Whoa! There are two separate issues here.
1. Do NOT vent about your husband to someone else. Nothing good will come of that.
2. To find friends, be a friend. I know, it sounds glib, but it’s true. There must be someone in your church who will be a friend! Maybe an “older woman” – someone spiritually mature who can guide you and encourage you in your spiritual growth and in your marriage. Honestly, if you don’t know who, ask your pastor. Don’t give up!
But, ironically, I don’t have a friend I can vent about my husband to either. If I tried that, they would call me on it in a heartbeat! And the marriage counselor we’ve seen, WILL NOT meet with either of us individually. There is no room for being critical of the other behind their back. Nothing good comes of it.
(Maybe someone’s mind is looking for an exception… I’m NOT talking about a situation where someone’s physical safety is threatened.)
Don’t give up! Take your troubles to God and to your husband. Maybe he will go to counseling together, if the problems are serious. But if you’re just looking to vent (everyday) frustrations, don’t!
Julie
I can’t agree Julie. It’s not about being critical about one’s husband – it’s about seeking help to understand our husband’s better and to be a better wife to them. If your friends would “call you on it in a heartbeat”, I’d be questioning their friendship in a heartbeat. A good friend is there to help someone having marriage difficulties, not telling them to shut up and go away.
I also find the cliche “to find a friend, be a friend” to be not just glib but quite frankly not true at all Having spent my entire life in churches and having gone out of my way to befriend people only to be used and abused, it is definitely not simply a matter of being a friend to find one. My church of 30 years had a massive problem with cliques – everyone wanted to befriend the bullies no matter how nasty the bullies were, while at the same time wanting nothing to do with the kind people trying to befriend them because they didn’t belong to the “in crowd”.
It didn’t stop me going out of my way to befriend people, but it didn’t lead to many friendships with people from church. However on the plus side, it led to a lot of friendships with people who ended up leaving the church in disgust.
Sadly the younger parts of generation X and now Generation Y too, seem to treat friendship as a way to climb some “social ladder”. Bullies at the top of the “social ladder” treat people very badly but everyone wants to be their friends because they are considered “cool”, but those who are considered “uncool” at the bottom of the ladder, no matter how friendly they are to people, just get walked all over and ignored. It’s just part of the selfish “me” generation and churches are not immune to it sadly.
Actually its not a cliche, its Bible, ”A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly….” Pr 18:24
There is a difference between complaining and venting. Venting is getting it off your chest while seeking a solution. I suggest praying about it all. Write a journal. Seek God for how He wants you to handle and grow in this. I also suggest going to the marriage bed message boards.
Ok I didn’t read all the answers so this may be a repeat. But JOURNAL! Get a journal and pour your heart out on those pages.. You don’t have to go back and read it but it may help to vent. It helped me tremendously!!! I tend to write like I’m talking to God. If you don’t want anyone to see them. Burn them or trash them later. It’s just between you and God. 🙂
All great suggestions! I find that I’ll take mine to God first. Then, if I need someone to talk to, He’ll send that person, and it’s just the right person. (HUGS) to you! I know it’s hard being a wife. Your gentle and quiet spirit will win him over. I promise. 😉
The Bible says there is wisdom in good counsel … I think having an older friend or asking an older friend in the Church with a Godly long marriage to help you with encouragement is a good thing! Men just don’t always process things the same and having another woman you can talk to who can point you back to how to talk to him and then talking to him is not a sin nor is it disrespectful.
I would also suggest counseling to hubby if you feel it’s something you need help with …. I just got the book Beyond Ordinary too and so far it’s VERY good, that and Sacred Marriage 🙂
Its important for you to find someone to talk to, a friend, pastors wife, or a Christian counselor. And its important for you to communicate your feelings to your husband. Process what it is your feeling and then communicate that to your husband. Don’t stuff your feelings. I stuffed my feelings for 24 years and my heart eventually grew cold. I wish I would of known then what I know now. Don’t let your heart grow cold by stuffing your feelings…find someone who can help you to communicate them in a healthy way.
I have several girlfriends who I am really close to and COULD vent to and know it would go no further, but we do NOT vent about our husbands. We have all agreed that even “venting” about our husband is not healthy for the relationship and is disrespectful. Rarely does venting build up our husbands, nor is it filled with words of grace.(Rom 14:19; Col 4:6) Venting is not edifying either. (Eph 4:29) It can cast negative thoughts or feelings about our husbands to who we are talk to.
I have not found anywhere in the word of God where it says it’s okay to vent about our husbands, or anyone for that matter. In fact it says “the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart”. (Matt 12:34) Venting at times can get too close to what the world does when wives “husband bash”.
So what do I do when I get frustrated with my husband? As suggested above (1) I pray. I process with God. I talk to Him. (2) I will let my girlfriends know I am struggling and to pray. (3) I pray some more and apply grace to my husband. I remember I too am imperfect and can be frustrating. (4) If I can not let grace cover it, then I must talk to my husband. But I must go with an attitude of love and grace. Sometimes if it’s just a matter of “processing” I preface my conversation with “I just need to process, I don’t need you to fix anything. I just need to talk.” Most of the time it works…it’s taken time to get him to understand that if he just lets me talk it all out I almost always counsel myself. 🙂
All I can say is it’s worked for 30 years, he is my best friend, I love him so much that I would never want him to think I would “vent” about him. And whether his deserves it or not (he does) God says I am to honor him and give him respect.
In all fairness, we can both honour our husbands and let out our feelings. It sounds like most commenters so far are with the “keep it between you and God” (stuff it) camp, or the “find a trusted friend or counsellor” (vent) camp. Both are somewhat true! As wives, mothers, mothers-in-law, daughters, friends, or whatever, we should always be bringing our issues to God first, allowing Him to change our hearts first, and extending His grace and forgiveness to others. We should be confidently and lovingly addressing issues directly with those involved, in a peacemaking spirit. And sometimes, when resolution cannot be achieved through these means, we honour God, our relationships, and ourselves, by finding wise friends or mentors to whom we can express our deepest feelings and receive godly counsel, encouragement, and comfort.
In short, don’t aimlessly vent, and don’t stuff it until you shut down emotionally or blow up!
Great post, totally agree Sarah.
Well put, Sarah!
P.S. Venting doesn’t necessarily mean dishonouring your husband or tearing him down (!) it simply means expressing enough to ease pressure.
All I can suggest is try hard to find a good friend. Not specifically so you can talk about your husband, but so you can talk about anything. My best friend is a lifesaver. Someone who has been there for more than a decade, has helped me with relationship difficulties, child difficulties and just all the normal difficulties in life like work, friendships and everything imaginable. A good, true friend are a gift from God.
As much as you don’t want to hear this, I think God would be glorified most in our marriages when we are protecting ourselves from friends who we open up to more than our spouses. Call me what you want for saying this, but how can we truly call it the closest relationship when we continually undermine it by having friends that we always depend on??? Protect your relationship and don’t betray your spouse by looking for another place to “vent” as you say. This is the most widely accepted thing, it seems where people excuse their way to disrespect each other and talk behind their own spouses back just because they don’t have courage to work with their spouse about something. As my wife and I say, “put your balls to the floor!” You want the closest relationship, go and get it by working with your spouse, maybe reading some books. I don’t pretend to know everything. But i can only see it as healthy to avoid any person being closer than your spouse. Balls out!!!
Dave I can’t fully agree with you. Men and women are different – and the bible affirms that men and women are different. They have different needs. Men generally do not have the same need to talk lots and have the emotional touchy-feely needs that women have.
Of course no female friend should closer/more important than a spouse, but there is nothing wrong/sinful/disrespectful with having a female friend nearly as close as one’s husband. Women need close female friends to be emotionally healthy.
And not many guys want to be their wife’s emotional sounding board. Many guys are simply happy just to be there for their wife about the things that effect their marriage and actively do not want to hear about anything else. Talk about the kids, the extended family, work, church etc… they’d rather their wives discuss that with their girlfriends.
No offense to the twenty something’s and even thirty something’s, sixty something’s are out there in increasing numbers (note the aging of the baby boomer era) and have desperate need for communication with a friend or would even accept a forum on-line especially for the “older woman”. Life doles out to the older woman surprise unexpected changes in their bodies which no one is speaking of often enough to get our attention before it happens to say, “Hey this is coming your wayl Heads up! Get ready.” I’m talking about vaginal dryness (hey where did that come from?), or changes in libido to higher or lower, to sudden insecurity on a whole new playing field about how we see our selves, now with “cellulite R us”, or “gravity is gonna get cha”. I almost envy the younger wives their issues because now they are out in the open, defying the effects of gravity and still a hot mama, priority addressed, applied biblically, and addressed in a holy and altogether pleasing and encouraging way. The sixty something in contrast is usually not addressed even though one day sexuality is there, the next day or so it is not there or sadly easier to just say, “that was then but this is now and now . . . is “give up, it’s gone”. Why do we have to “settle for that”. The problem of understanding and reaching your full sexual potential with your partner when you are in your twenties or even your thirties is expected and in some cases anticipated as a passage holy and blessed by God Himself in the union of Holy Matrimony. With guidance from those gone before( thank goodness for blogs!) a good outcome is coming, younger married girls. Prayer, sharing with God our Father first before all, asking for blessing, receiving unexpected and delightful blessing is the fruits of the labor Jesus called us to . . I wish I had a blog when I was 24 . . . but I did not. Today I am almost 60. My husband is almost 65. I feel forgotten in the paradigm of consideration of sexuality across the continuum of aging. Guess what, it doesn’t die at 50 or even 60. Guess what age I feel like when I look into my husband’s eyes – yes, you got it – I feel like I am 20 or 30 again and cannot honestly tell any difference. Apparently I am a “high desire” partner. How painful do you think it is to add to that equation a husband who is struggling with impotence and aging issues, post-menopausal changes in his wife, and trial and failures in the very place you asked God to bless and keep holy(your marital bed). You take it to Jesus because He asks you and you explain to Him your traitorous burning and yearning for your partner. But . . . (and here is where trust is critical) you wait for help. Because, for many too many times my husband has wanted to make love to me and in so many years he has not understood what that even is, In so many years he has not even invested in finding the answers or even finding suggestions to try, and I am left now crying hot tears on my pillow for chances lost, for wishes unfilled, for resentment in my heart that I did not want to be there, for yearning, for desire, for wetness (thank you Lord, all systems “Go”) and then . . . where is he, when are my needs met, and why would you leave me wanting this way? I have been logging in, reading, taking advice, and following through with sexy little text messages and beautiful little gifts to my husband and awesome pretty pajama sets, and yes, I have “invested”. So, I don’t understand being left out in the cold. OK I understand that older men have issues of erectile nature, prostate nature, and testosterone nature. But when you have investigated all those paths medically and nothing has made a difference – you might start to wonder if you really are desirable. Have you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror lately? No amount of exercise is going to take away the effects of aging (I hate that word), of cellulite dimpled butt cheeks, and breasts that are “too low now” but still long for sweet caress. Where is the blog for us? I feel so isolated and alone in this and yet I realize that cannot be possible with the shear numbers alone of aging people in our society-I can’t help but think we are over looked. If I get through this struggle and come out stronger and wiser through God’s grace – I may start a blog for women my age. Hey, I’m just saying, anybody out there sitting at home thinking I am too old to feel this way and I should be ashamed of myself? Or, I am older now, this is the expected way to behave? Or do you hear, “Be thankful for what you have and don’t ask for more”? Help me. Help me to help him. He is still the man I love. I still yearn for him. I yearn also for Him. I yearn for those feelings in again in me. Both are quiet. What does that mean?
Oh Nancie! While I am not totally walking in your shoes I do get it. I turn 51 at the end of the month and quite honestly this past year I kept wondering if I suddenly the abyss of the unknown. I’ve been blogging since 2008 but it wasn’t until this year I realize how few of us(over 50) are out there. It made me kind of sad. But I’m out to prove an old dog can learn to navigate not only the world wide web but the abundant life too! lol 🙂
Are you on Facebook? There is a group for over 50 (https://www.facebook.com/groups/inspiredinspirit/) It was start in part as an answer to many women in the (in)courage community who felt like they were only “catering” to the young wives and mommas. It’s a group of women on the other side of fifty, have nests that are sometimes empty, and find a need to be with “like minded” women of faith and life.
But a reminder to us all, old and young, we do need each other and God never intended the young to counsel the young and the old to counsel the older woman. While we can and most certainly do learn from one another there is something to be said about seeking those who have walked the earth with God and seen a lot more of life and heartache.
I agree that prayer is very important. God knows exactly what you need in every situation…if it be a friend to talk with, a book to read, a change of heart or a new perspective. God has been showing me how much a thankful heart can change a situation around for the better. If you can learn to look for things about your husband you are thankful for instead of the hurtful things, I know God will honor that.
Philippians 4:8 NLT
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Reading scripture is also very important; finding out how God wants you to handle a situation will make for the best outcome. When we are offended with our Husband or anyone for that manner, God already gave us a way to handle the situation.
Matthew 18:15-17 ESV
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Thank you to those of you who took time to answer my question.
I think I need to clarify. I am not looking for someone to “dump” on. I’m not looking for someone to tell me “Girl, you deserve better”. I’m not looking for someone to always take my side.
My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We married young (I was still a teenager) and we’ve been through a lot. We serve as marriage mentors at our church. We know about active listening, being assertive—not aggressive, and other conflict resolution techniques. (And sometimes we actually use them! 🙂 )
But, as my husband would be the first to tell a couple we are mentoring, men and women are different. And God designed us to be different. While there are exceptions, men typically process things and then speak. They already have their answer before they open their mouths. Women, on the other hand, tend to speak to process things. Often when we are talking, we come up with our own solution.
Someone mentioned that the Bible never gives permission to vent to someone else. I beg to differ. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17. This is the type of relationship I would love to have. Someone who would listen to me processing my frustration (that I have already talked to my husband about) and help me find solutions. Someone who will sharpen me. Someone who will tell me to “put my big girl panties on and deal with it”. Someone who will help me see the big picture.
I stated from the beginning, that I am not looking to be disrespectful. I want to honor my husband and our relationship. But sometimes I need somebody to lean on…..
She should talk to her husband.
They are supposed to be one.
This is the first red flag.
If you can’t tell your husband something then you are not one with him.
I am in the same situation. Sometimes I am so tired of how in-laws treat me, or how my husband does not care how they treat me. Sometimes he doesn’t talk to me at all. he says I have to ask him to talk to me ! It’s kinda begging ! And when I complain about these or say any of these to my husband or my parents (they act supportive at first), they keep judging me. They say you are so cheap getting upset .You have to move on.If you get upset you are small and childish !
It seems that I am not a human to get upset and if someone treats me bad, I should just ignore and move on ! How long can I continue. I never said anything to those who treat me bad. I just wanted to talk to my husband or family to get it off my chest, but none of them are helpful. They just make me feel horrible and un-worthy if I talk about these things.
I do not want to talk about these with anyone else and this is a family matter. When my family judge me over these, then who else I can talk to. I got tired of talking to myself and god and asking him to help me.What do people do when they are very lonely ??