One of the features of my Girl Talk event–an evening of straight talk about sex and intimacy–is a Q&A session. People can write down questions anonymously, and after a short break I answer as many as I can in 15 minutes. It’s always a lot of fun!
And one of the questions that gets asked quite a bit is:
Reader Question
“What happens when health problems interfere and we’re no longer physically able to make love? Is our marriage doomed? Is intimacy doomed?”
I’ve had women email me whose husbands have been in automobile accidents and are now paralyzed. Others have had prostate surgery and are now impotent. Others suffer from diabetes which causes extreme erectile dysfunction.
When women are the ones with the health issues sex is still usually possible. I’ve written before to women who suffer from chronic pain, for instance, here.
But when it’s men who are affected, intercourse itself is often impossible because he can’t maintain an erection.
One woman said to me,
“We had such a great sex life for two decades in our marriage, and then this hit. I really didn’t think I’d be saying good-bye to sex at age 43.”
That’s so, so difficult. The women–and their husbands–have such a grieving process to go through. On the one hand you’re glad that he survived. On the other, it’s as if a huge part of your life has been ripped from you. Obviously, before you give up on intercourse you should talk to a doctor. For many conditions there are treatments, and very effective ones at that. Talk frankly with your physician, and get a referral if you need to, to see if function can return.
But what if it can’t? How can we find hope in this? How can a marriage stay intimate?
God designed us first for INTIMACY, not for sex.
It is through sex that we best experience intimacy, but our primary need is not for sex. It is to be intimate with another.
When sex is possible, then sex should be a huge component of your marriage.
When intercourse is no longer possible, you can still be intimate, and you can still even be sexual. Let’s not make the mistake of believing that intimacy=intercourse and intercourse=intimacy, and forget that there are things that can encompass intimacy outside of intercourse, and that there are things that can encompass sex outside of intercourse.
If your husband’s health has been compromised like this, I’m sure he’s completely raw and grieving as well. He feels like he’s been robbed, and he feels like he’s robbed you of something. He’s probably very insecure.
This is where just working on your intimacy as much as possible can really help.
Try broaching the subject with him of talking about INTIMACY, not sex.
Tell him, “we’ve lost one part of our marriage, but we don’t need to lose intimacy, and I don’t want us to lose it. In fact, I want us to discover how to be even more intimate now, since we’ve gone through such a crushing thing together. I think we can come out stronger. But let’s not push each other away to grieve apart. And let’s not believe that our intimacy is over, because it’s not.”
And then talk about what you can do. You can have baths together and just hold each other. You can have showers together. You can lie and pray naked together. You can learn to give amazing massages–both of you. He can be sexual with you, even if he can’t maintain an erection. He can still bring you to orgasm in other ways, and you in turn can give him an amazing massage. You can cuddle. All of these things.
Will they remind you of what you once had? You betcha. Will that make you sad? Absolutely.
But the thing is, you’re going to be sad regardless. Wouldn’t you rather at least share that sadness, and hold each other in that sadness, and find a way to comfort each other and experience it together?
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
Say something like, “so much has been taken from us. Let’s not let the cancer/accident/diabetes (whatever) take even more. Let’s keep fighting back and work hard to keep what we can have–and to even feel more intimate. Before we had intercourse to bring us together. Let’s find other ways to feel like we’re really one. Let’s fight back.”
It’s not wrong to grieve. It’s not wrong to feel sad. It’s not wrong to feel angry. Just don’t, in that sadness, push each other away. Instead, find ways to include each other in your grief, and you’ll find that you really do start to feel more intimate.
Don’t stop being physical. Push forward. Work on your friendship, but keep pushing forward. And believe that God can bring something very beautiful out of your relationship–even if it’s not what you ever pictured.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This isn’t quite the same thing, obviously, but what you suggested is what we did when my husband couldn’t because of medication side effects. He was very insecure about it – all guys are in cases like that – so I did bring the focus to intimacy outside of sex, and we cuddled naked and everything too. Again, not the same thing, because he eventually was able to start having sex again, and part of being able to was having his confidence boosted. I can’t imagine a tragedy of the magnitude you’re talking about in this post. But, that experience did make us stronger as a couple. You can’t let something like that tear you apart – you have to let it draw you closer together.
Thanks for this post. I love sex, but we have to remember that sex is only one way to experience intimacy, and when sex is impossible we can still experience intimacy. As you said, God created us first for intimacy, he didn’t create us first for sex. It has also been important for me to learn that as I’m married to someone who has experienced significant sexual trauma. The physical side of our relationship absolutely cannot be the focus of our marriage. He needs the spiritual and emotional intimacy first and foremost. If we’re struggling in those areas, he doesn’t want sex. That has taught me many things that I needed to learn.
Jenny thanks for sharing. I am glad you said you love sex. I was beginning to think that women in general don’t
Well my husband has Peyton’s and is unable to have intercourses at all. . 17 years now. And he’s mean about it if I bring it up
I’m ready to walk away
I don’t deserve to be made to feel llike I’m the one at fault.
He screams and says-it’s me, not you going through this.
So utterly selfish. As if I’m not in a sexless marriage.
I’m ready to walk away after my last child graduates from college next year
The kids are all that’s kept me here
Patty, I’m sorry you’re in a sexless marriage. I really am.
But at the same time, you did promise “in sickness and in health”, and this truly isn’t your husband’s fault.
It sounds like you guys could really use some counseling, because often there are other things you can do, even if you can’t have intercourse. But it sounds like you guys are talking past each other and blaming each other, rather than seeing this as something you’re in together (which it is). Please see a counselor. It’s hard on kids, even when they’re in college, when their parents break up.
My husband and I have only been married 3 years. Due to multiple health problems, has had severe ED. He is capable of intercourse with an injection however he has quit getting the medication. He told me he hates the medicine and it is not pleasurable for him. He also carries on multiple social media friendships and texts with other women. I know this feeds his ego but he can’t see how it hurts me and our marriage. We have very little intimacy in or out of the bedroom. He refuses counseling and refuses to stop communication with other women. He sees nothing wrong in it and seems not to care that it hurts me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I have tried many things but I’m at a loss anymore. A sexless marriage is one thing but combined with the attention he gives other women it’s much worse. Any advice? I feel hopeless.
Hi Kay,
That’s just awful, and it’s so totally not right. You say that you’re willing to do anything to make the marriage work, but in this case, I don’t think it’s that you need to be more giving or nicer or anything like that. I think you need to learn how to draw boundaries and say, “I will no longer accept this.” I wrote about that in this post on whether this was the last straw or not. Remember that you don’t want to be an enabler, and to allow your husband to sin like this is actually drawing him further away from God. It’s better to set up consequences, and say, “I will no longer tolerate this.” I know that’s harsh, but sometimes it needs to be done!
We have been married for 36 years! It’s a wonderful, Godly marriage. Our sex life was off the charts until recently when he had to start meds and I was diagnosed with Lupus and bipolar disorder… more meds. We still make efforts to have loving, healthy sex. It just doesn’t happen as often or with as much frequency. We are both 61 years old. Our marriage is mor about what we’ve built family wise concerning our children and grandchildren.
Masterbation happens once in a while and I’m ok with it. My precious husband believes it may not be right in the eyes of the Lord. In other words he is convicted and does not feel entirely comfortable with it. I’d like to encourage all long lasting, loving married couples to lighten up. You can’t help disease, medications or other physical changes to your or your spouses body during the course of a long and beautiful marriage. Jesus covers all things thru His she blood and His finishedb work. Thru His name…
I think it is a tragedy when people are so excessively deferencial to what they think, fear, or have been told that their deity (God, Allah, etc) requires that they prohibit actions which are beneficial, not harmful, and can add so much to their quality of life as an individual and a couple.
Always temper your own fears and advice from others with good sense and reason.
When one spouse can no longer have intercourse, or if that is simply not possible due to schedules, geographic separation, or loss of interest (usually by the woman), masturbation (upon each other and/or oneself) and other forms of physical intimacy are common sense marriage– and sanity– savers.
Vibrating back massagers are very useful (especially for persons with arthritis in their hands) and can be purchased online and in-store from reputable drug store chains.
You affirmed the idea that “God designed us first for INTIMACY, not for sex.”
I disagree, partially, strictly based on our physical design. Otherwise, I could develop deep and abiding intamacy with someone of my same sex and it would be legitimate before God.
Yet, the point is valid as my wife and I are struggling now (but it’s her health not mine); God created us FIRST for intacy, but ALSO for sex. This article is further evidence of BOTH. . Please for us and for me.
My husband already I have been married for 25 yrs. He had to have two major prostate surgeries. This left him with the inability to maintain an erection. This came right after he was deemed disabled. This has almost killed him as a man. He is very depressed, I can’t bring him out of it. No intimacy, no compassion
No sex. I try to be loving and caring as a good wife should, I love my husband. He finds his attention on the internet. I stand alone. Is it wrong for me to want something better?
I believe this a true test of real love. Sadly, most of us don’t pass it. If you truly live someone, you don’t leave them because they can’t have sec with you due to mental or physical reasons beyond their control.
Sheila, this is excellent advice I pray I nevr have to follow. My sympathy to those couples who have to deal with this.
We are going through a patch of no intercourse for health reasons. In this case it is my wife who has the physical problem. Do I love her any less, of course not. I am constantly building her up by telling her how much I love her and need her. We cuddle and kiss and just hold each other. I do most of the work around the house and if she feels bad about this then I remind her that she is the only woman in the world for me and that I do the work because I want to take care of her. I believe that God’s greatest gift to man is Jesus, of course, but marriage comes a close second.
In some ways… Us not having sex due to issues in both our parts at various times… Has helped us grow closer… More mature in our love. Being an abuse survivor abd my husband having his issues… We both have learned that life has shades of grey in it… And that real live does not demand what someone can’t give. Sex is not mire important than your spouse. I feel it’s I. These times where the phase… For better or for wirse cones to mind.
Thank u.
Great advice, Sheila! I’ve been there, and it’s incredibly stressful and taxing…though, I can honestly say, my husband and I have more intimacy today as a result of our journey through ED. Sexuality is so much more than just penetrative sex….and some men can have orgasms, even though they can’t maintain an erection.
And being willing to approach intimacy together without an agenda is huge.
Bless you for speaking frankly about these issues!
This breaks my heart and reminds me to not take for granted what we have now. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
Great post! I agree that intimacy is far more than sex, and can continue even if sex is not possible. And, as you say, a lot if possible if you think beyond intercourse.
Lack of erection does not prevent a man from having a climax, however a man may have a problem being sexual without an erection as it is such a big part of how he sees his sexuality. A wife who approaches this lovingly can help a lot. Let him know you want and even need to give him pleasure, and you are ready to learn how to do that without an erection. There are even some ways to do this that more or less simulate intercourse.
Even paralysis does not necessarily mean an end to sex for a man. If the damage is high enough, he may be able to get an erection from manual stimulation, and might even be able to climax – although he will not physically feel any of this, he will feel the relaxation that follows sex. Some such men can have intercourse with their wife on top. There are also cases of men developing the ability to orgasm from stimulation of some part of the body above the damage.
All of these things are best explored via support groups. Such groups are not Christian, so they can be a bit rough morally, but they can help a great deal.
Paul thank you for your thoughtful comment. My husband had a spinal injury which damaged his nerves and while he is not paralyzed, it has affected his sexual function because he has less sensation. We know we are blessed because he can still get an erection and orgasm but would love to hear ideas from others in similar situations. Would you have any idea on where to find the support groups you mention? Names?
My husband suffers from herniated disc, which lead to multiple surgeries. I am struggling with the lack of intercourse and intimacy. I am heartbroken, tearful and having difficulty accepting this is my marriage now. It’s more difficult as my Husband does not think about being intimate with me. He is happy with a good morning peck ( kiss) and a good night peck. He only hugs me when I have bought to his attention that it’s been 2 months and this is the extent of our intimacy. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can do this until death do us part.
Oh, Kim, I’m sorry! What was it like before his surgeries? I’m just wondering, because some things can still definitely be possible. But if he’s never had much of a libido, that can be very difficult. I think in those cases it’s so important to at least have things that you do together to keep you feeling close, so that you can bring any tension level down and talk about some of the big stuff. Do you at least have fun together in other ways?
Interesting read
This might feel off topic but when i read about grieving i thought i’d mention. I lost my dad a few years ago (prostate cancer). A few days after his passing, I was walking home, to my mum’s house, with the hot blazing African sun on my face – broken, nearly going out of my mind.
At that time, I didn’t grasp that I was fighting grief. I then heard God say “grieve..but not as one without hope”
I love what you say “It’s not wrong to grieve. It’s not wrong to feel sad. It’s not wrong to feel angry. Just don’t, in that sadness, push each other away.” I haven’t walked that road.. Yet in my grief then, I saw how God calls us to be honest and to grieve together, not apart. There’s always hope when He’s in the midst of us.
Thank you Ngina for your comment, brings tears to my eyes…
my dad also had prostate cancer, he started juicing tons of vegetables and drinking lots of water each day, and somehow, wonderfully, still is going strong at age 88 so far…. I am now doing the same, along with consuming a few healthy good quality supplements and consuming a small handful of a variety of nuts, including Brazil, cashews, almonds and others, while I fight through Thyroid challenges.
Thank you for all the messages here, as they help my husband and me in various ways.
So Thankful God is FILLED with Love and strength for all of us ~
Hugs to you all 🙂
Sheila-
Having been living with my husband’s ED for about 16 years now. We went through a sexless period of marriage where he and I were both miserable. If I might offer hope in that you are correct that intimacy is not sex and being intimate is not about intercourse. HOWEVER intercourse and the ability bring a women to orgasm from intercourse is such a part of a man’s masculine identity, that we women need to be ready to be open and honest about what activities we find pleasurable and intimate . Being open and willing to explore what bring us both pleasure and builds intimacy has saved our marriage. I told my husband that ED is not just his problem but our problem. For every one step we take foreward we take at least 2 steps back.
It takes us both to work towards a solution that we both can live with. BTW we have been married 31 years and were high school sweethearts that married right out of high school. With a lot of prayer and effort on our parts we have recaptured some of the intimacy that ED has caused us to lose. keep at it the results are so worth it.
Let me suggest that while your husband is struggling with ED you just connect sexually and forget about the orgasm for awhile as if hes older he can enjoy sex more often and more lovingly if he does not spoil it with an orgasm. He will keep his energy. Orgasm last for 15 secs and it s over but if he gives that up he might be able to go for hours and will not feel unable as the penis does not have to be hard to enjoy having him close. Married 35 years and recovered from Ed and orgasm addiction!
My hubby has illness/mediCal related ED right now. We are pursuing intimacy and it is beautiful and I appreciate it, but I sorely miss sexuality and orgasm. Like men, I feel build up and tension and I NEED that release. Unfortunately, my hubby only believes in mutual intercourse for sex. No manual or oral. Otherwise, he expects me to masturbate in secret. I don’t know how to get beyond this. Every article and counsel I receive just says to pursue non-orgasm intimacy, be respectful of his illness, and be patient. It is even inferred that I am selfish to even want sex.
Katydid, I don’t think you’re selfish at all, and I think maybe talking to your husband and saying, “I want to make sure we don’t lose our sexuality or our closeness over this” is so important. And explaining that you can still be intimate by touching each other, etc. Tell him why masturbation in secret won’t do it for you (it’s about intimacy with him). Also, some men, even if they have ED, can still ejaculate. They just can’t stay hard. So perhaps he can still experience a lot of pleasure, too.
Sheila, I love your posts and there are soooooo many thing I want to ask and comment on, but I’ll start with one at a time.
What do you do when the wife is the one that has no libido
( due to Dyspareunia – Painfull intercourse ) Obviously getting medical help is in the process, (although going from one doctor to the next, blood tests and ultrasounds etc…. only puts pressure on us financially , and no solutions have been found ) …….. but I have no desire and testosterone levels are low.
Having injections to highten the Testesterone hormone, also increases many unwanted extra’s : hairgrowth (which means lots of trips to get waxed and a week later I have a very manly beard growing) oh and don’t forget the erect clitoris, decrease in feeling of femininity…. etc etc…. etc …. so I had to stop that, but now there is nothing to work with.
I understand wanting to give my husband pleasure even if it’s in ways that is not intercourse, but wanting to want to do it is different to actually having the desire to do so. …… Please help!
I feel your pain. We are in the same boat. I have to be alone for release and he won’t help in any way. He can on rare occasions if he withholds pain pills but then he has to be able to manage the pain too. I feel unwanted. Very loved but not desirable. I know it hurts him too so I try not to bring it up. But needs are needs and while I would never cheat, the thought does cross my mind and I pray for God to take away these urges altogether. It’s very disheartening.
Found this series and post by chance. It’s been 4 1/2 years without it here. When we got pregnant he, like most, was afraid of sex. I suffered severe post partum depression and the first hear of our daughters life was torture. Then he had surgery and was diagnosed with diabetes. Plus now is on daily pain meds because surgery didn’t help. I have been dealing with medical problems myself and moved into daughters room so I wouldn’t disturb him getting up and down at night. By closing that part of our life the rest is severely affected. Please, if you are reading this and the cycle is just starting, stop it now. Because when it goes as far as ours, there is no turning back.
Thank you for this article. I am in a slightly miserable place as my husband is no longer able to have intercourse-and he has Asperger’s-so he simply filed this new state as now being ‘normal’. He is not bothered at all anymore and has no interest in intimacy! Like all things with Asperger’s it is all on or all off (regardless of what the ‘it’ is). So, no touching and no intimacy, no sex and no hugs. I am not about to leave, nor am I going to seek comfort somewhere else-but it does make me sad.
Oh, I am sorry. That must be so tough, and so lonely!
My husband’s urologist told him not to have sex because of a still-not-fully-diagnosed bladder problem. This article was really encouraging, but it’s incredibly difficult to have this happen within 6 months of getting married. We hadn’t even gotten used to talking about everything yet, plus he’s shy. We never fully developed an intimate relationship because he had started having problems before we got married. He bristles when I bring it up. I can’t tell if he thinks I’m attacking him or being selfish. How do I convince him that talking about it will help me cope? He’ll barely even kiss me and I just want to spend time being naked together, like in the bathtub or snuggling. He hates being naked. (He’s gorgeous so this is driving me crazy in more ways than one!) He does love spending time with me but I want to feel like his wife, not an extra-special roommate. Every now and then he hears me, and will give me a fantastic kiss or take a bath with me that one night, but then we’re back in the desert. I love my husband. He is the most amazing, bravest, and strongest person I know. I just want to feel closer to him.
I’m really glad I stumbled upon this article and the comments. It really gives me hope. My husband and I have been married almost twenty years and we still care deeply for each other. For the past three years, he has been fighting through prostrate and kidney cancer, the anger and grief of recovery and the aftermath. I felt guilty for grieving for the loss of our sex life when we were so grateful that he even survived. This article has really given me a better perspective on our situation.
Thank G-D your husband survived.
I’ll be honest. It is no bubblegum and raindrops living with no sex, no matter what fairytale advice some of these woman spout, or how muvh devotion is involved.
I have gone without intercourse for about sixteen years, married for over twenty. About four times(barely) in total My husband didn’t tell me he had a problem before we married. We are now sleeping separately. Lack of sexual fulfillment through coitus is painful physically. Forget the excuses, no matter what the flimsy alternatives are.
I wish the best for you, and the courage and strength to withstand what will be a hard road ahead. Love does help tremendously, but the truth even more so.
I’ll pray for you. ?
Reading your comment was surreal, because it is so similar to my experience. My husband and I have been married for almost nineteen years and he had colon cancer three years ago. In the aftermath, he developed Peyronie’s Disease, which causes a painful curve during erection. It has made intercourse impossible, and he doesn’t like to do anything that causes arousal because of the pain. I have tried to talk to him about our intimacy, and he expresses a desire to please me, but his actions speak otherwise. Just last night I tried to snuggle up with him to spoon, but he avoided putting his arms around me and barely managed a half-hearted back rub. It breaks my heart to see him like that. He must be grieving as much as me, but he keeps it to himself.
My heart goes out to anyone else who is experiencing this difficult situation.
I’m glad I ran across your comment. We’re in a similar situation, with prostrate and kidney cancer. It’s been five years of recovery, and while I miss and mourn so much about what we lost, we’ve survived and learned some remarkable things about each other and our Lord’s grace.
Hello,
This is my second fistula repair in a year. Last time I only had to sustain from sex for 2 months. This time it will be almost 4 month due to the fact that the first surgery failed. My husband and I are barely coming back from an ugly place in our lives that happened in the first month of 2015. I don’t want to push him away because I can’t be intimate with him. I don’t want to loose him again.
I’m so sorry, Adriana. I had a friend who went through that, too. It’s just so hard. Try to do what you can, but don’t push things, because you really do need to heal!
My wife cannot have sex or even be intimate in other ways. Even having a sexual dream can give her pain for days. Her condition is never going away. I love her with all my heart and vice versa. My issue is she can’t even make me feel attractive, needed, passionate etc. like we are living as good friends who share a bed and a quick kiss and hug. I am finding it very difficult living without passion. It has been three years. We talk about it and she has told me she is ok for me to go sleep with another woman but I can’t. I want her. But I’m having a lot of confidence issues among other anxiety dealing with the whole situation. I don’t know what to do. I love her so much. I’m scared that if I do take her up on her offer things will never be the same. But if they remain the same we may end up resenting each other. I’m at a loss
Jon,
Keep going to the best ob-gyns you can find.
Try medical school affiliated teaching hospitals. U.S. News and World Report has yearly ratings of medical centers.
Don’t give up! There are likely effective treatments and medications that your wife hasn’t been given yet.
Hello Jon
For the longest time I have thought I was the only person suffering in this manner. Thank you for sharing your story, it doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with my situation but I find some comfort in knowing I am not the only one experiencing the pain of the loss of intimacy with my spouse .
Just a little background, My wife, for the past five years has developed fissures and lesions. they are very painful and on times debilitating. We are told this is due to hormone changes. We have gone to the doctors for the past four years and sometimes the medication works for awhile but not for long. I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me. I feel the pain of what she is going through and would never do anything to hurt her.
My dilemma is that sometimes I find myself in a very dark place. I miss the intimacy of being sexually active. We still share the same bed and I love it and comfort her in her pain. We cuddle and hold each other but I cannot touch her sexually which causes me a different sort of pain.
I have heard all the old cliche’s and words of encouragement but they are not able to help me with the loss of a sexual partner. I struggle along and every day I feel a part of me gives way to the darkness and I wonder how much longer it will be. I love her and she means everything to me but I miss that physical connection of coupling together. Like yourself I’m at a loss.
I am in a similar situation. My wife and I have only been together for 6 years and got married 2 years ago. We are in our mid 50’s
She has been unable to have intercourse for about 4.5 years due to a medical issue.
To be honest I haven’t done a very good job of being intimate with her and I know she feels pushed away.
I have been mourning the loss of intercourse from our relationship and thinking more about my lack of fulfillment rather than hers.
This post has really helped me realize that I need to show her how much I love her and starting today I will.
I read another similar article and it referred to Corinthians which really helped me.
Knowing others can and do survive and continue to work at their marriage is encouraging.
Thank you
JP
I’m glad this helped you! That is a lot to mourn. It absolutely is. But I hope that in the midst of that you don’t lose the intimacy you can still have!
My husband was just recently diagnosed with diabetes. Even before this, he was having issues with keeping an errection. He says there are other ways of being intimate like masturbation, but I don’t think it’s the same. I’m starting to feel hopeless that it’s taking a toll on our marriage.
I’m sorry, Amanda.
Amanda, SAME exact thing here! I feel bad for grieving because it’s not his fault. Yet, intimacy doesn’t fix the physical need one experiences. Even the feeling of not being desirable to one’s partner is so painful which even they wish they could feel.
I used to love sex. I’m not sure what happened. My husband was never the greatest lover even with communication and guidance. Then major depression set in (me) and a multitude of medications. I had a hysterectomy years ago and while I was on hormones, sex was great. My dr titrated me off the hormones. Sex drive gone. I went to a Gynecologist/Urologist and she said as a result of the lack of hormones, everything had atrophied. Now sex is so painful, I bleed, etc. When my husband touches me I tense up. Of course he has been deprived and is impatient and goes for the goal, no real intamacy. He makes sexual advances, not intimate advances. Now I have been diagnosed with a disease that one of the side effects is lack of libido. We are on the brink of divorce and he threw in my face that “we hadn’t really been together in a long time “. That really hurt. We argue a little, not much, but we have always been solid(at least I thought we were).
Sheila,
An ob-gyn can prescribe estrogen-containing vaginal creams and suppositories to bring the tissues of the vagina back to good condition.
Meanwhile, you and your husband can each satisfy each other by manual stimulation, vibrating massager, etc.
Thank you for this article & having the courage to address the issue of sex between couples who have experienced chronic illnesses, etc. As I realize we all have different experiences, I must say I found it offensive to state that when a man is the one with injury/or chronic illness that sexual intercourse is impossible, and yet the statement that “When women are the ones with the health issues sex is still usually possible”. As a woman I have a chronic illness that prevents me from having sexual intercourse. The statement I read in articles & on TV that “sex shouldn’t be painful after menopause” is entirely false in my case anyway. It does hurt. I suppose it isn’t if one were to be able to put toxic chemicals into their bodies which I am unable to do. It seems like woman are responsible for this plus making sure they can “arouse” their disabled partners; I find that disturbing. I do not have the physical strength to assist my husband to get an erection, it is exhausting when you’re already exhausted 24/7. I have encouraged my husband to find sexual gratification elsewhere if he needs to. Before you slam me, please know this was not an easy decision and came as a result of much consideration & wanting the best for my husband. Unconventional yes and of course not for everyone. I would NEVER expect anyone else to live this way, it is only for my husband and I. I love him enough to want him to be happy, and if that’s what it takes, then that’s what I want. To think otherwise (I’ve heard the term “cheating” many times) he would not be cheating as I don’t put him in a “cage” claiming “ownership” of him. He is not “mine”, he is God’s. If it ends our marriage then that will be as it should. At the end of the day there is only God anyway.
I saved myself for marriage, never even kissed a man until my husband. I married him knowing his quadraplegia but no doctor could say if we could be intimate till we tried. 4 years on I still weep over our wedding night when we discovered he couldn’t have sex. From that night on he didn’t even want to touch me. It broke him. We’ve gone to so many doctors, so many tests, his hormones are low but they won’t do anything. I dreamt of being intimate with my husband. But now I’m going to die a virgin. Im early thirties now and I feel so guilty wanting to experience what everyone talks about. I wish i didn’t wait till marriage at least I could have tried it once before I’m an old and ugly widow. I don’t know what to do. I give him massages but he has no use of his hands so can’t return the favour. We sleep in different rooms due to his care needs and showers and bathes have no privacy. I feel horribly guilty even bringing up the topic of intimacy. I never knew girls wanted sex, i thought it was only a guy thing. I just feel guilty even saying this when he has so many other problems.
I am 76 yrs old. I don’t have any health problems and still keep quite fit. However I do have partial ED. I read that it is a very high percentage of my age who have this so it is almost a natural thing in old age. I tried to keep up intercourse by poking a half erect organ but it was uncomfortable for me. I tried Viagra even though my wife did not want me to. Once I took it and imagined that I was having sex with someone else so I think it was affecting my spirit as a drug can and don’t use that anymore. I major on touch and have become skilled using my fingers etc. My wife always climaxes. She does stuff to me that I cannot mention which was always a fantasy for me and only touched on it a little. Now it has become a major part of our sex life. I would say we do have a good sex life and have found it very freeing that sex does not always have to be intercourse. One just has to use their imagination.
I’ve read pretty much all of the comments. My husband has muscular dystrophy and now prostate issues. His mobility is non existent and really is only able to receive although even there there are times he can’t reach any satisfaction. For me, I feel like I live in a sexless marriage, he’d told me before previous relationship were able to be on top but his hips have spread as he is always either sitting or laying down that it is virtually impossible to straddle or try anything else. So it really leaves me to do all the work and receive nothing in return. He can’t hold me, he can’t even touch me. I recently was in a vehicular accident and now have injuries which cause me pain. I know as a wife I have my duties to fulfill but it just feels like going through the motions for him. We can’t snuggle as he has a special hospital bed which is suited only to his needs and to make things just a bit more difficult, he lives in a care home and I live in my own residence. He can come over but there is no being able to have any type of sexual relationship. We’ve gone through sexual counseling and all sorts of options were given but none of it applied to anything we could do. This is not at all what I imagined it would ever be. To top this off, most of the sexual activity is for him and he is too scared to try anything which he might be able to do. So we just don’t do that. Anything sexual I may do, is really just for him. It’s not really the life I want, we are so disconnected. I can’t imagine more years of this. We’ve tried speaking with our pastor but it was just, ‘get er done’ kind of thing, I am finding that not many pastors are willing to talk about sexuality issues, problems, lack of it etc. So I don’t really know which is more frustrating in trying to get help. I’ve turned into a workaholic, keep myself busy and try not to think about it all except to do what I’m supposed to do for him.