
Images sourced from VUE Cinemas
I asked on my Facebook page recently, “what, in your opinion, is the most romantic movie?” I needed to do a survey for an upcoming speaking engagement, so I was taking votes. The response was overwhelming!
We women love our chick flicks! My daughters and I have the whole five hour version of Pride and Prejudice memorized (comes in handy for long car trips.)
Whenever I comment on movies on this blog, though, inevitably some commenters say “you shouldn’t watch movies”. I understand. There certainly are some movies I won’t watch. But movies are a way of telling a story, and a story can resonate in a way that mere words can’t. That means that movies certainly can be dangerous, since they can get under the skin and wiggle where we don’t want certain ideas. But they can also uplift, and inspire, and touch us in a way little else can.
Take the best answer to the question “what, in your opinion, is the most romantic movie”? One woman said, “the first 8 minutes of the movie Up.” I completely agree! I have never seen such a beautiful portrayal of love and marriage as Pixar did in that 8 minutes. I think everybody should have to watch that when they’re considering getting married. Marriage is for the long haul; it’s not about marrying the person you love when you’re young; it’s about marrying the person you want to grow old with. How special! And a movie in 8 minutes could do that; words alone could not. Movies can be wonderful vehicles of portraying real relationship truths.
Now movies and romance novels have a definite downside: they can make us wish so much for a hero like THAT GUY that our husbands never measure up. But at the same time, movies can also inspire.
Vue Cinemas has a great roundup of what relationship lessons different “chick flick” movies teach us. It got me thinking: what relationship lessons have I seen in movies lately? I’d like to follow Vue Cinema’s example here and list some of the better ones that have to do with marriage:
Date Night.
Rip roariously funny, but the reason I loved it so much was how it focused on what marriage is like in real life. The scene where she had just put her mouth guard in and so he realizes they’re not going to have sex had my husband laughing so hard I thought he’d pass out. That’s what marriage is like! And then the conversations they have about her being a control freak, and her never letting him do anything around the house were so perfect. They showed how often we women feel put upon, but sometimes we’re doing it to ourselves.
The make up scene at the end, when they have pancakes together, was just lovely. There is a scene in a strip joint (though it’s far funnier than sexy), but I have rarely seen a movie which so accurately depicts marriage, and shows how a couple who has disconnected can learn to connect again.
Lesson: Don’t settle for boring in your marriage. Keep it fun not out of habit but because you truly do love each other. So make time, talk, and don’t give up.
Crazy, Stupid Love.
I guess I just like Steve Carrell, but I was so impressed with this movie. I thought I’d hate it for the first 45 minutes, because it’s all about a younger, cooler guy (Ryan Gosling) teaching an older, just dumped guy (Steve Carrell) how to attract women for anonymous encounters. It seemed so shallow. But the ending is really satisfying (and comes with a twist my husband and I never saw coming). Both Gosling’s character and Carrell’s ex-wife realize that commitment and stability are actually far sexier than living an empty life, a lesson that Carrell knew all along.
The movie is far from perfect. There’s too much sex outside of marriage, and the teenage thread was kinda gross. But honestly, it’s great to see a movie that depicts getting divorced as a destructive, selfish thing, and getting and staying married as a higher calling. I’m not saying everyone should see it, but I am grateful it was made. It’s an important voice in this culture.
Lesson: If you want to live a happy, fulfilling life, commit to one person forever, and don’t give up. Having multiple partners is far emptier than having one who loves you–that you love in return.
Hope Springs.
I’ve written about this one before, too, and I just loved it. Again, you can pick apart little bits of this movie–it shows Meryl Streep doing something rather inappropriate–but it’s so marriage affirming. (Oh, wow, I just realized this one had Steve Carrell, too! I guess he’s on a roll. Does he have a great marriage himself or something?). An older couple (Streep and husband Tommy Lee Jones) have grown apart. They sleep in separate bedrooms. They never really communicate. The marriage has grown cold.
And in desperation doormat Streep informs her husband that they are going for counseling or they are splitting up.
Much of the counseling revolves around sex, and not real issues of communcation, etc., but again, it’s a story of a marriage grown cold that is resurrected because the couple decides to push through their problems and not give up.
Lesson: Never stop communicating. Keep talking, and keep making love. Be spontaneous. If you’re in a rut, fight to get out!
It’s Complicated.
Another movie with Streep! In this one, she was dumped several years ago when husband Alec Baldwin divorced her for a younger woman. Now she feels unattractive, but she’s slowly coming into her own again. And when she does that, Baldwin, who finds that life with a younger wife is distinctly unsatisfying, wants the marriage back. But now Streep has realized that life can be bigger than Baldwin. What will she choose?
Again, many will find the movie has some parts you wish they had left out. But the overall message is great.
Lesson: Stick with the wife of your youth, and you’ll be happy. Mess it up, and you’ll regret it.
I’m glad they’re making movies like these. Sure, it would be nice if those movies didn’t have objectionable scenes, but in our culture which is so anti-marriage, I love it when popular movies come out that the general public will see (Fireproof is great, but most people won’t see it) that also praise marriage.
And then, of course, there’s my favourite marriage movie clip of all time, from Shall We Dance:
Do you notice a common thread in those movies that I like, though? The couples are already married (or recently divorced). They’re not movies about finding the one you love and marrying; they’re movies about dealing with the day-to-day of life and marriage.
Hollywood does a better job with marriage movies than with traditional chick flicks.
With traditional chick flicks, as fun as they may be, I fear that the wrong message is given. I’m in the middle of reading Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Search about how to choose a mate (and I’m LOVING it! I’ll be talking about it soon), and one of his big warnings is don’t get married just based on infatuation. Don’t let feelings be your deciding factor in choosing your mate for life. This whole idea that if you find that “one” person you’ll feel complete and you’ll never have any trouble is a big lie (and entirely unbiblical). Marriage is about commitment, not feelings. We need to think it through and choose wisely.
That’s why I love Pride & Prejudice. Elizabeth originally has an infatuation with Wickham, but when she examines his character the infatuation disintegrates. At the same time, she originally dislikes Darcy. But when she examines HIS character, love grows. She doesn’t “fall in love”; she makes a choice.
Author Jane Austen showed this even more vividly in Sense & Sensibility, whose whole theme is that romantic infatuation is immature; mature love requires choice and belief in character. Austen shows a contrast between Marianne and Willoughby and Edward and Lucy on the one hand, and Marianne and Brandon and Elinor and Edward on the other. Character wins; infatuation loses.
Movies where people are drawn to each other, and end up together because they’re “swept away” give us an unrealistic picture of love and marriage. That’s a good conversation starter when you’re watching movies with your teens: Is that match really a good idea? Can you see them together in ten years? Do you think love is enough? Because in most movies it’s not.
If we started believing the lessons of the “marriage” movies, instead of of the “love” movies, and teaching these lessons to our kids, perhaps we’d end up with stronger marriages in the end.
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I’m with you on Pride and Prejudice. First impressions can really confuse both people to the point that seeing reality becomes increasingly difficult. When I read it or see the film, I cheer for Mr. Darcy, wanting Elizabeth to SEE, and stop assuming based on that first impression! Yes, I know how the story will go, but I just can’t help it.
“Hope Springs” — I agree, too. I think the focus on sex is a little off-kilter, but then I think that because of it, they begin to communicate. For instance, in the scene in which she “reads” his expression and action incorrectly, assuming something negative on her part, he corrects it later. The ending of the movie is worth it all.
And I agree that marriage movies will do a lot more to engrave “what should be” on people’s hearts and minds, rather than “what could be.” Women need to stop living for dreams and hitch their wagons to reality. They’ll find it far more satisfying and workable. Otherwise, you live your life trying to write a script and force acting that will never be REAL.
I have not seen the other films you mention, but may have to pick up one for a movie night in the near future. Thanks!
Gosh, I love marriage movies. It’s so much more satisfying seeing people try to work things out over the long haul than the magical hours of “falling in love” type movies. Not that I don’t enjoy a number of those, but I definitely prefer the kinds that you are talking about. This post made me smile — and Steve Carrell does do some really good stuff, apparently 🙂
I prefer movies based on true stories, of which “At First Sight”, “A Walk to Remember”, and “Return to Me” come to mind. However, while they had some good elements in them, they were part of the slippery slide and excuse(s) I used for watching what I never should have. I think one of the biggest issue we as Christians face is “where are we going to draw the line?” when it comes to what we watch and listen to. It’s just too easy to make excuses for content that simply doesn’t honor God.
I love the beginning of UP, I cannot watch without a tissue no matter how many times I watch it.
I have to agree with Greg, where is the line drawn…if the story is good but the content not suitable for all audiences then it is not a movie I’m willing to see.
My husband and I saw hope floats, and it made us uncomfortable.
Why can’t the message be given without the gratuitous sex scenes.
There are alot of good clean movies out there, but we have to search.
UP is a good example…perfectly clean, with a good message,
I adore UP too! I never cry in public, but I was crying like a baby in the cinema when I first saw it. I’ve seen it literally dozens of times now and yet I still cry every time. I know some people cry when Ellie passes away, but I think when they find out they can’t have kids is the part that makes me cry – but I loved how no matter what life through at them (infertility, accidents, etc) they still loved each other and stood by each other.
I treasure that movie because I see my husband and I in it. He’s the quiet one that doesn’t talk with the quiet family, and I’m the more adventurous one with the absolutely crazy family. And sadly we’re facing the infertility issue – we don’t know for sure, but the chances are getting slimmer every day. And we seem to be hit by accidental disasters.
I hope we live that long and happy life together.
Definitely the best love story I have ever seen in a movie.
Oh how I love Pride and Prejudice! Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I recite it in my mind and it always relaxes me!
My husband and I loved “Hope Springs” – it started a really great conversation for us. He really enjoyes watching romantic movies – much more than I do – but I think I’ll go request “Date Night” from the library so we can enjoy it this weekend.
If you liked the first few minutes of UP, you ought to check out the short “Paperman” (it was shown before Wreck-It Ralph, which was regular Disney animation and not Pixar). It’s another cute and dialogue-less love story.
Another good “marriage movie” might be “The Family Man” with Tea Leoni and Nicholas Cage. The playboy millionaire ends up living the life he could have had and begins to realize that there’s something deeply satisfying about a solid and committed relationship… even if it isn’t flashy or otherwise seen as awesome. Sometimes it’s the mundanity of life together that makes it much more worthwhile than the fast paced “playboy” lifestyle our culture is telling us we should envy.
Family Man is a perfect example! i love that movie!
I love Queen Victoria. It’s such a sweet view of their relationship.
And, oh my goodness, the beginning of UP had me in heaving sobs. I was not expecting that when I went to see an animated movie!
My hubby and I LOVE “Date Night”! It’s hysterical, and as you said, such a great example of marriage.
“Shall We Dance” is another of my favorite marriage movies. The scene you mention is just amazing. 🙂
Also, and this is a bit less-known one, I think, but “Yours, Mine and Ours” (a remake, I think, the version with Dennis Quaid) is another great marriage/family movie and it’s hilarious. Some negative elements–teen partying and some potty humor–but it’s all about commitment in marriage and family. Highly recommend it.
Finally, the movie “Marley and Me” has amazingly fantastic messages about marriage and family. It doesn’t have anything explicit, but it portrays how great sex in marriage can be (even nearly twenty years in!). It’s also based off a true story (the book is fantastic but has a lot more language than the movie), and portrays realistically how difficult marriage and parenthood can be–but how worth it it always is. I adore that movie.
I haven’t seen those other three you mentioned, mainly because of the questionable content. But now I might have to reconsider them. I LOVE Meryl Streep!
And one more comment–the beginning of UP is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. I, too, was sobbing the first time I saw it, and it still gets me choked up! (no pun intended 🙂 )
My husband and I just watched “Hope Springs” this weekend and we both loved it. Both of us cried. Yes, a few inappropriate things, but hey, at least they were married. I loved how real and raw it was. One of my favorite lines in the movie was when Steve Carell was talking about how marriages go through great years and years that are so bad you just want out, but you push through and reap the rewards in the end (my paraphrase). Honestly, the best mini-sermon I’ve heard on marriage in a long time.
And of course, who could ever watch the beginning of UP without bawling like a baby? Precious!
I am so glad Date Night was a featured film on this list. I couldn’t agree more. I thought, after laughing my tail off, that this was one of the rare movies where Hollywood got it right. Another surprisingly is the late Brittany Murphy and Ashton Kutcher’s movie “Just Married’. They have a horrible honeymoon … it’s not the picture perfect, they ride off into the sunset because they are happily married honeymoon… And the scene at the end where Ashton’s character is talking to his father after the two main characters return from the disastrous honeymoon… and he’s flipping through the picture book. His father’s words were something to the effect “That’s why you take pictures during the good times. To help remind you there WERE good times… to help you through the bad times.” It’s why I’m always taking pictures now… to help me later on remember…
I also love “The Vow” with Channing Tatum. If you haven’t seen it, the wife is in an accident and she can’t remember her husband or her life with him. The husband spends the whole movie trying to get her to fall in love with him again. Based on a true story too. Love it!
I love how this actually has some positive movies, and what we can learn form them. Lately media has shown us pretty much how NOT to be in a relationship. The guy usually treats the girl like crap and she is aways running back to him. We need to teach younger generations how relationships should be, how they are hard, and need to work on things. Not how if you get cheated on 5 times you take them back.
Wow. Just went to read some online reviews of Date Night, thinking it would be a good rental. Both pluggedin.com and IMDB make it quite clear it is full of sexual content. IMDB (not a Christian organization) rates it a 7/10 for sex/nudity and 7/10 for language. Sorry, but I’ll have to pass.
A Walk to Remember and Return to Me are must-sees.
I put off reading these romance/movie posts because I have something similar coming out soon and didn’t want to be influence or accidentally plagiarize. But I haven’t seen a single one of these movies. I guess I need to remedy that.
Ryan Gosling was in one of my favorite romance movies (about dating more than marriage) called Lars and the Real Girl. It’s a weird premise, but a good film and there is a married couple in there that is a marvelous example of a good marriage.
Also, since you like Austen, I recently read a book called The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After (Elizabeth Kantor), and I WISH this book had been around when I was young and single. I think it would be a great read for any single woman looking for love.
Great post, Sheila!
I rarely watch movies anymore. Sexual sins are always shown to be ok. Romance seems more important than real love. Everything is backwards as the way it should be. And anyone who holds old fashioned values is seen as weird. No thank you.
The best marriage movie I’ve watched to date was Fireproof. I know it’s doesn’t fall on most secular lists… and maybe it means more to me than some. My wife and I were VERY CLOSE to separating, but before either of us filed for divorce we were able to reach a state of forgiveness. Then Fireproof came out and our church held a special event for married couples. It was almost as if the characters were my wife and I. We held hands and cried because this movie spoke to us in a way that no other had before or since.
Maybe it’s just me… I didn’t mind the less than stellar acting… the message made all the difference to me.
I really loved that movie, too! It was such a great message.