Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, though, all my questions were really complex and not easily summarized. I never post someone’s whole story because I just want to talk about general issues, and that’s just too private. So I always try to make it into one big overarching theme. Couldn’t do that this week.
But one thing really struck me from the comments, so I thought I’d turn this “reader question” around and make it MY question to YOU, my readers.
One commenter wrote this week about the problems she and her new husband are experiencing in the bedroom. I asked if they had covered sex during their premarital counseling, and suggested that she go back to her pastor and ask for some counseling.
She said they didn’t talk about sex during premarital counseling.
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ACK! How can a pastor do premarital counseling and not talk about sex?
So here’s my question:
If you did premarital counseling, did you talk about sex? Was it handled well? In retrospect, what do you wish you had learned more of during that counseling (that part can be about anything!)
I guess that’s more than one question, but I’d love to know about your experience. Let me know in the comments!
Check out these posts on safe versus unsafe counselling practices:
Thanks all, and have a great weekend.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Ken and I give premarital counseling to engaged couples but we don’t talk about the details of sex since most of them have not had sex. I would be interested from you, Shiela, what should be talked about in premarital sex with virgins. We were never taught much about it before marriage and learned on our own. We do tell them that men have very high testosterone levels and want and need a lot of sex and encourage the women to learn to enjoy it since it means so much to their future husbands.
I meant to ask you how we should counsel virgins about sex after they get married, NOT premarital sex! A little minor error there…
Lori, one of the things I wished my pastor had done during premarital counselling was *not* emphasized so much that my husband would have a very high sex drive and that I would need to learn to enjoy it. Sometimes the opposite is true, and we experienced a great deal of heartache in our first few years of marriage trying to work out what was “wrong” with us because I enjoyed sex from the outset and because my husband wasn’t always and instantly in the mood, like we’d been told he would be. There are very few resources around (http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com is a good one) written for marriages like this, but the readership of this blog alone (plus conversations I’ve had with other wives once I finally got over the shame I felt for being a wife who actually enjoys sex and who is sometimes turned down by her husband) tells me that these kinds of marriages are more common than people think. So much shame and fear and so many night spent arguing could have been spared, if someone had just told us that sex drives come in all shapes and sizes, in both men and women.
(The readership of spice and love, I mean)
I know you directed your question towards Sheila, but I think I can give some insight as my husband and I are still fairly newlywed (we got married about 9 months ago).
I think something that would be tremendously helpful is to tell couples that the first time might not feel that great — especially for the woman, if her hymen hasn’t been broken yet. However, remind the couple that it will most likely get better with time. I had issues with that and sex was truly extremely painful the first few times — which you can imagine can create a few issues. I would honestly also advise couples to have some lubricant such as KY on hand. A virgin couple may be very nervous the first time, and this would probably help a little bit.
Also, I have found that I’m much more ready for sex if my husband and I have spent time doing something together (we like to play games, go for walks/bike rides, etc) before having sex rather than just watching TV. I think it gives me part of the emotional connection that I need in order to be “in the mood” for sex.
Sorry if this was a little “TMI,” but I feel several of these things need to be taught to couples in premarital counseling sessions. I’ll probably update more later in the day as I think of it!
Great suggestions, Pam. I have had long talks about all the details with my daughters and daughter-in-law before they got married but I think most of the young women I mentor would be very uncomfortable asking me detailed questions, especially in front of their future husbands. They have asked me if I liked it but that is the extent of it. Like I said, we were never taught anything and have always had a great sex life so I guess I should send them all to Sheila’s blog for help!
Something else that I didn’t mention before that is definitely helpful: Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both the husband and the wife. Therefore, sex should include things that bring pleasure to both spouses. Both the husband and wife need to have open and honest communication regarding sex. If a particular position doesn’t feel good, etc, then the spouse needs to say something. One spouse should never judge the other spouse for these things as well.
Those are 2 pieces of advice that are truly important, and that should be discussed with couples in premarital counseling. Open and honest communication from both the husband and wife is extremely important in this area!
Virgins need to be told to pee after sex!!!! I got a really bad uti on our honeymoon because I didn’t know how soon you needed to pee after sex.
I talk about that in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Really important tip.
Perhaps give them a card with your e-mail or phone number on it and tell the bride that want to spend a little time just the two of you chatting about sex? She could have a mom/aunt/best friend you really got her on the right path, or she could have experienced the opposite. It’s hard to know, and it’s hard for girls from negative backgrounds to know where to find positive role models. Sheila is great, but having someone you know makes it more real I think.
Something cool our pastor and his wife did was talk openly and emphasize that we actually do all four need to talk about it together because we needed to learn that A) it’s not dirty and B) that we have to communicate with our spouse about this if it’s ever going to be good.
Two years into our marriage I still email and call our pastor and his wife about questions I have. Honestly, it doesn’t need to be awkward. Just fun!
Pleeeease don’t tell all couples that “men have high levels” and for the “women to learn to enjoy it.” Because you will undoubtedly have a couple you counsel that will soon discover the WIFE has the higher drive…and due to your counsel will wonder what’s wrong with her. How about just teaching the Biblical perspective that EACH are to give themselves to their spouse… When they marry, their bodies are not their own, but their spouse’s.
Well, we talked about sex in the context that he said sex is meant to be enjoyed in marriage. My Pastor also mentioned that when married couples come to him for counseling later on, it is usually about money or sex. That’s pretty much all we discussed about sex during my premarital counseling — not very helpful at all.
I have found so much information regarding sex from your blog Sheila! It has been so helpful to me and my husband, as I was a virgin until getting married and had no idea what to expect really. My husband and I worked through your 29 Days to Great Sex series in the early Fall, which helped tremendously. I seriously wish I had known some of that before getting married — it would have made the first month of my marriage a lot less frustrating in the bedroom.
Now, I’m happy to report that my husband and I both enjoy our sex life. 😉 Keep up the great work Sheila, because you are definitely sharing a wonderful ministry that is not present in all churches!
“ACK! How can a pastor do premarital counseling and not talk about sex?”
Sadly, all too easy to do when the church in general isn’t willing to step out of its comfort zone and stand for biblical truth even from the pulpit. One of Satan’s greatest weapons against biblical sexuality is the church’s own refusal to acknowledge it, let alone defend, uphold, and value it as God intended.
Common view: “Christians shouldn’t talk about sex, because it’s private.”
Truth: Christians don’t discuss intimate details that may tempt themselves and others, because that’s reserved for them and their spouse. It doesn’t preclude biblical truth about sexuality.
Common view: “Talking about it always leads to lust.”
Truth: Topics covered should always be appropriate. If the discussion of biblical truth incites lust in the heart of the hearer, there are issues with that person’s heart.
Common view: “If you avoid speaking about sex, it will become less of a problem.”
Truth: Statistics of sexual sin in the church (including pastors and youth pastors) say otherwise. Avoiding the topic just buys Satan more time and room to attack with deceit and lies without being challenged. Sin thrives in silence, and truth must be communicated to the next generation.
Common view: “Why do you need to talk about it when there are plenty of books people can read on their own?”
Truth: Not addressing the issue from the pulpit sends the message that it is inappropriate to talk about–that there’s something dirty or shameful about it.
WA-HA-HA. Did our premarital counseler ever talk about sex? YES! Now, he’s not an ‘official’ pastor, though pastorally trained. He was our small group leader, a widower by 7 years or so at that point. What did he say? That we ought to have sex a lot, that it was the hubby’s responsibility to make sure the wife was ready and enjoying it (not vice versa!). He talked about the ways Hubby can help things along… like helping me keep my feet warm, helping in the kitchen. He even (gasp!) suggested all the places you could *do* it… I rarely have blushed so much, but it made for a good start.We did read two books, “intended for pleasure” and “the most important year”. Now, I’d recommend “the most important year” and “good girls guide”.
Of course, this kind of talking made the relationship such that when we did cross a line, we knew we had the freedom to confess to our counselor what we did.
And post-marriage? The Hubby was regularly asked, in a quiet way most times, “is your wife enjoying sex? Are you making sure she had regular orgasms?” Oh, yeah. Totally awesome!
Now THAT is what church family is supposed to be about! That’s awesome.
I’m not sure how sex should be talked about in the context of premarital counseling. My husband and I were counseled by his pastor and I think it would have been awkward to have that conversation with him without another woman being present. From what I remember, the pastor might have said something about it briefly but there wasn’t a discussion. I specifically remember him saying that he wasn’t going to ask us about our personal history in that area but I can’t remember exactly what was said after that.
My husband and I had great premarital counseling. Each week we left with plenty to review and I was more and more ready to get married. As far as sex goes, our pastor kept it vague, and we really appreciated that—friends of mine were placed into popular sexual positions by their pastor and I think that is highly inappropriate!
My husband and I were both virgins and wanted to keep it that way until we were married, so it was great to keep any specific thoughts largely out of our heads until closer to the wedding. I think it’s very foolish to approach two people who are obviously attracted to each other and say “Here’s how to have great, satisfying sex—but don’t do it yet! That’s bad!”
HOWEVER, about two weeks before the wedding we read a recommended book—”Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman. This book had a section about the “first night”, designed to read before the wedding. After we had separately read the male/female pre-wedding sections we got together and talked about it, our expectations, and natural physical barriers (the fact that it would likely be painful for me for a while, ect).
It looks like I’m out-numbered here, but I really appreciated that our pastor respected our privacy and the new sexual experience was kept largely between my husband and myself. Learning together built tons of intimacy between the two of us, but that doesn’t mean we were left entirely alone. Reading the book only a few weeks before the wedding kept us safe from focusing on that aspect too much, while preparing us for the new adventure to come.
We didn’t really talk much about sex in our premarital counseling. We spend a lot of time on how to communication and handle conflict. The though process is if you know how to communicate and handle conflict, you can work through anything.
I don’t recall discussing sex in the one-day group session that we had at the church where we got married. It was 14 years ago though so maybe we did. We also went to a Family Life weekend while we were engaged (it was in our home town so we didn’t have to stay over). That was fantastic! Highly recommend it! They did discuss sex there and had some breakout sessions for engaged couples that were really helpful. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have Sheila as one of the speakers. :-). Although we did have Paul Henderson which was a huge draw for my hubby.
We never even got pre-marital counselling…our pastor was too busy. Since getting married, we have both been in individual counseling (at a different church) for stuff that should have been dealt with before we got married.
Hey gang,
I’m a therapist and a minister. My church requires at least three pre-marriage sessions prior to the wedding. I would like to do more.I do some of the premarital counseling for our church. Mainly when I’m going to be preforming the wedding ceremony.
Sex is part of my agenda in these sessions. However there is so much more to a marriage than just sex. If there isn’t good communication, shared responsibilities and mutual goals there will probably be problems in the bedroom.
This marriage thing is a complete package. I would prefer to talk about sex before a marriage then after when it has become a problem. Sex is such a wonderful, funny, frustrating, joyful and intimidating thing. I’m not going to shy away from talking about it.
Frank
registered Marriage and Family Therapist intern #59002
Our premarital counseling didn’t include much about sex. It mostly had to do with things like love and respect. Although we were already having sex and lied to the pastor about it!! I don’t know what he would have said had we answered truthfully to his question, but in any case what’s done is done, and we were young. In hindsight some counseling about sex would have been helpful when we were struggling (involving low libido from depression, medication, and ptsd), but we wound up figuring everything out on our own anyway. The mountains and the valleys, we grew closer through them. We learned everything together and that has made it so intimate, fun, and amazing! And, as for the hymen breaking, I had my annual physical scheduled right after we starting having sex (which was really fortunate), and so I talked to the doctor about it hurting so bad and she told me that it’s normal. And I did have my mom to talk to, as well, although mostly it included things like, “Mom we had sex a bunch of times and now I feel like I have a UTI.” So she said it wasn’t a UTI, just irritation, and to drink a lot of water and cranberry juice! Ah, those frequent midnight runs to the store for cranberry juice and ice cream….haha. But, I’m very thankful for your website, Sheila, and I have directed a couple of friends to it (and to your book) when they were about to get married. Your blog has helped a lot with various issues my husband and I have encountered, including right now with my medication (as well as when my husband was having an issue with medication!). You have helped me to know how to deal with the side effects of medication for myself, and you helped me to know how to respond to my husband, and encourage him, when he was experiencing side effects. So thank you!
Perhaps my experience is different, being Catholic. We had 3 or so sessions with our priest + a weekend-long retreat with other engaged couples, mostly led by married couples + a few months of Natural Family Planning instruction with other engaged, and some married, couples & a married instructor/MD. We didn’t talk about sex in our sessions with our priest–we mostly talked about our mutual faith, our faith journey–since I’m a convert–, how we planned to integrate faith into our family life, our plans for children, our values, etc. The weekend retreat did have some sessions on sex, but nothing too explicit of the “do this” type. We obviously learned about mechanics of both sex and my cycle/fertility in our NFP classes, which included a theology session–and reminded us that even one of our last Popes said that husbands are responsible for their wife’s pleasure! The most explicit sex-talk I got at church was actually in my Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults class–one of the younger priests was no-holes-barred with the “these acts are licit and these are not and here’s why”, and talked with us about how God wants us to use our sexuality. Honestly, I was never expecting the church to be responsible for teaching us anything explicit about sex–just giving us God’s plan for our sexuality and letting us explore within those parameters.
The pastor we did our premarital counseling wouldn’t even let us agree, let alone talk about sex.
My future spouse and I are actually going through premarital counseling right now, and we seem to have covered all of the “basics” except for sex. Really the only thing that has been said is not to have it befor marriage. How can I tastefully ask for sex advice with ought being awkward? I’ve read pretty much everything you’ve written on your website, Sheila, and I’ve also read 30 Days to Great Sex. Thoughts??
Nancy, you really need to read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! It’s got a chapter in there just for engaged women, and it goes into everything in quite detail. It’s great for married women, but I’m really passionate about getting it into the hands of engaged women!
Our pre-maariage counselling with our pastor was mostly limited to him setting up an audio tape and then leaving the room. Not really very helpful.
Our pastor focused on making sure that we were putting in the work to prepare for a lifelong marriage, not just a wedding, but didn’t talk much about sex. His sermon at our wedding did cover it in G rated way and one guest said she was inspired to go home and make a baby! hehehe. However, our church requires either attending a Natural Family Planning class or a day long Sexuality Workshop and a Marriage Spirituality Workshop. We opted for the second. The workshops were conducted by married couples who stressed the importance of sex in marriage and God’s plan. The couples were from all kinds of backgrounds, some saving themselves for marriage, some already living together. They didn’t go into practical details about sex but gave lots of encouragement to have those discussions as couples. I know some presenters who do these workshops are more blunt than others, but the goal is to help couples see sex as a gift from God and ensure they understand central it is to a healthy marriage.
She briefly talked about sex in our pre-marriage counseling, but our pastor said we would figure it out when we got married and did not talk further. I sort of wished we talked more because I was nervous about it all, but it didn’t matter in the end. I do not think talking about sex would have made too much difference. We were able to figure things out ourselves which made us closer. My husband and I have great communication with each other and we talk to each other about anything ( though there was a time where my husband thought he couldn’t talk to me about sex but I spent time encouraging him to talk to me). We also got given the book ‘the act of marriage’ from a lady from church. My husband loved it but it scared me- it was a bit to detailed for my innocent mind:-) I recently read ‘the good girls to great sex’ and it was great for our marriage ( I knew a lot already but there were some things I did learn). I read most of the book to my husband naked in bed before going to sleep. My husband loved it!
We did some premarital counseling with our preacher at the time and he was going through the book “Sacred Marriage” with us. But honestly, the ONLY thing I remember about it was hearing how /different/ life would be after marriage. My hubby and I lived together for a few months before we got married, but not sinfully. He even slept on the couch the entire time and stayed with a friend of ours the night before the wedding. We had done some bad things in the past (not all the way to sex…but everything else…), but didn’t do that anymore. (You can choose to believe me or not, but it’s truth.)
So because of that, he kept trying to impress on us that “Even though you live together now, EVERYTHING will be different once you’re married.” “It won’t be the same at all, even if you’re living together, things will change.” Over and over. And you know what? NOTHING feels different. We both agree that the ONLY thing that changed when we got married was that we started having sex. Not one thing feels different, and now I feel like our counseling was totally pointless, and as far as sex, we’re still struggling like crazy with that. I’ve gotten over the guilt of the things we did when we were dating, but sex is such a struggle for us because I can’t seem to orgasm and it makes sex really disappointing. Even if we’re not /trying/ to make me, it’s still tough.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there, long story short, no. Our counseling wasn’t helpful.
We just celebrated 20 years. Our pastor was nearing retirement when we got married and no, he never mentioned sex at all. I think that some sort of discussion would have been helpful…..me with his wife or another woman and dh with the pastor or another man.
My official premarital counseling also didn’t involve a lot on sex, but one thing that was really cool was having friends who discussed it with both of us beforehand. One friend gave me the book Sheet Music, and we read and discussed the parts marked out for engaged people, and a group of women from my small group threw me a lingerie shower and gave advice and space for me to ask questions about sex. And my husband-to-be and I talked a good deal about our expectations and hopes as regarded sex in our future marriage. All of these things were really helpful in giving us tools for communicating about sex after we were married, and giving us the feeling that we had a community to turn to if things weren’t going so well. So that was all really helpful.
Yes, our premarital counseling included a session on sex. Our sessions were with several engaged or thinking about getting engaged couples and were taught by several couples. For the sex talk the males went with the male leaders and the females with the female leaders. In my small group at the time, several of us were getting married. Those of us that we’re married put together a little goody bag of items and notes of things we learned or wished we had known to the bride before her wedding day to help with the wedding night and beyond.
We did the goodie bag too, for a couple people who got married shortly after us! It was so much fun putting it together!
Premarital counseling on sex?!!? My husband’s pastor totally avoided it. And my pastor gave 5 minutes to briefly talking about “biological relations” and that was it!
Yep our premarital pastors and mentors covered it! And i blushed to high heavens all through! I discovered that theory (which is what pre-marital counseling is, however awesome) wasn’t a guarantee that everything would work out neat, on the practical end. Infact one of our mentor kept telling us that premarital counseling was like teaching someone to swim in a classroom. The real thing happens in the pool!
So my hubs and I had lots of hiccups and pains to work through early in marriage. But we bless God for the counseling.
I’ve discovered that post-marital counseling is important too! We benefited from being able to sit down with our counselors again and work out kinks and adjustments. Nothing beats that.
Yes we did talk about sex. With him and his wife! They talked about healthy boundaries and not using it for a bargining tool in marriage but something we both get to enjoy. They never talked about the physical nuts and bolts, but did talk about finding what the other enjoys. They made it fun and we got to ask questions. It helped my husband and I had both taken Poetic Literature (ie songs of Solomons) from him in college. I’m sure there was more as it was almost two hours, but that was what I remember
Wow. Okay – now we weren’t saved until many years after we were married (we would have said we were Christians and we really thought we were – we went to a mainstream denominational church.) We just didn’t know the Lord personally or realize our need for a Savior. We believed in God and so we thought we were Christians. Anyhow, our premarital counseling consisted of “Do you want traditional vows or your own? Do you want your moms to light a candle?” That was about it. Seriously. But to be honest with you, I think I would have been mortified to talk about sex with a Pastor. Maybe separately – like me with his wife and my hubby to be with the Pastor. But jointly? I dunno…….. I think it would have creeped me out. And what is there to talk about? We were pretty much able to figure it out on our own. I think most girls (myself included) talk to their moms, sisters, and/or girlfriends. We are blessed to have no problems in that area. So – no – I don’t think I’d enjoy discussing it with others. I guess I’m in the camp of “what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom.”
We had one counseling session with our pastor. I’m afraid he had a rather cynical view of premarital counseling: “They don’t listen anyway.” But he gave us a book to read on technique that was helpful for me. It was good as far as it went since I was a virgin. But I think there are far better books out there now. Like yours, Sheila!
Our pastor briefly talked about not depriving each other unless by mutual consent and remembering to be understanding if the other was having a “time of necessity”, but otherwise little else on sex was covered in the 3 meetings that counted as pre-marital counseling.
My hubby and I went to see a LCSW for our premarital counseling, but he is the same religion as we are and understood our values. He suggested we read “the act of marriage” separately and discuss it during the day. With him we discussed our expectations as far as frequency of sex and he suggested we find someone we both felt comfortable with discussing problems after marriage. Most of our counseling focused on resolving differences and practicing doing so. And when issues arrived after we got married that practice came in handy.
Almost 10 years later we are very happy. I believe our premarital counseling was a big part of making our marriage so great. For one of my college classes I wrote a guide for a premarital counseling course so I could share it with couples I know getting married.
Wow! We had one session and I honestly don’t remember what was discussed. You see the pastor was my father in law to be and that was not a conversation that i wanted to have that talk with him. There are some things I do not want to know about. O_o Things may have been different if there was someone else to speak with but we’ve done well figuring things out on our own. 🙂
Sorry didn’t proofread. It’s been a long day. *that was not a conversation we wanted to have with him*
No premarital counseling here. But when my brother was engaged, I took it upon myself to ask my sister-in-law-to-be if she had someone to talk to. she was grateful that I did, as she had no one she would turn to. They were reading a book together but nothing else. Sadly, they are both pastors, so apparently these sorts of things weren’t even covered in their training. Double ACK!!!
We have premarital counseling with 2 pastors. One talked about family, communication and service in the church as family. That took 4 sessions. And the other one happened unplanned. Well, he was very busy but he met us by accident, talked about our wedding preparation then put one counseling session with him on his schedule. This pastor talked about sex. He gave us a book by tim & beverly lahaye, and talked to us about practical wedding night tips. 🙂
My husband and I discussed sex during premarital counselling. Our pastor/friend/counselor (He is all 3!) said there were a lot of good resources out there for Married Christian sex and recommended reading The Marriage Bed website and the book Sheet Music by Kevin Leman. Thankfully I had a close friend and mentor who answered the detailed questions I would have been very embarrassed to ask around my fiance or pastor.
My uncle did our wedding and premarital counseling, so if we talked about sex much I’ve blocked it out. 🙂 But I did talk to my mom and maid of honor, who gave me a “honeymoon survival kit” at my bridal shower. We also talked about it together (he’s military so most of our relationship was long distance, which makes for opportunities to talk without doing anything.) I think Sheet Music, mentioned by someone else, should be required reading in premarital counseling…it says in the prologue which chapters to read before marriage and which to save for after. We didn’t get the book until we’d been married a while, and it covers all the basics. Sorry, Sheila, but I would have blushed horribly if I’d read the good girl’s guide before I got married. 🙂
Our marriage counselling was a bit of a joke… Our poor pastor had never done this before. He gave us a book to read and had us watch some videos. He talked to us a bit and I remember asking about the sex and he was soooooooo uncomfortable. We had had plenty of pre-marital sex (we were only recently saved at the time) and I wanted to know what was ok and what wasn’t as a Christian. He couldn’t really tell me. A couple of years later I was pregnant and I wasn’t sure if it was ok to still have sex. I thought I’d be defiling my baby somehow! Fortunately I was able to talk to the pastor’s wife this time and she told me it was ok and to have sex as much as we wanted 😉
We were students in between study abroad semesters. We rarely saw each other in person and so squeezed a premarital counseling session in during a week we were in the same state. It wasn’t much of a session since it was just a one time thing. Sex came up but only in that we were asked if we had talked about it. We had talked about it and done lots of reading on the side (and since then). One thing we were not prepared for was the vast difference in desire after we were married.
We had brief premarital counseling that involved us taking a test/assessment (maybe the Prepare?) then the minister going over it with us. It only dealt with surface topics and since my fiancé and I agreed on so many answers, there was little counseling after reviewing the test. There was no talk of sex from the minister (which would have felt awkward to me anyway), but I do wish I’d had a talk with some Godly women who were willing and open to talking about sex, as awkward as it might have been. There was at least one woman I know I could have talked with but I wouldn’t have known what to ask!
As for your question about what should be covered, I really enjoyed your Good Girls book and think it was beneficial for me, even after 7.5 years of marriage. I found it because I have never had an orgasm and didn’t realize that was atypical until I started doing some research. I kept seeing your book promoted on other sites so I borrowed it from the library, then bought a copy of my own! I think women need to know that achieving orgasm might not be easy. It takes lots of relaxation and practice to get it just right. Hubby and I still aren’t there, but we both now acknowledge that we have work to do.
We did the Prepare/Enrich counseling with our pastor. It was a really good opportunity to see where we disagreed on issues and to then discuss those issues. The counseling did not really address sex directly. Our pastor encouraged us to have discussions about sex on our own before getting married. In retrospect, I wish we had actually had those discussions, but I guess we let shyness get in the way. After about 5 1/2 years of marriage we attended a Strong Bonds weekend sponsored by the Army/Air National Guard. That weekend did address sex very candidly and was very enriching.
Haha…….although we did premarital counseling, we had my dad’s best friend marry us, and the counseling was more perfunctory than practical. We did read “Before You Say I Do”, though, and I think that helped……..but if I could change a couple things about it, I definitely would.
The sex part of our counseling was mostly about my husband’s porn addiction, ways that I could assist him in combating that, and different things that he could do to avoid that temptation. Helpful, yes, but not all that was needed.
I know every guy is different, and every marriage is different, and this may not apply to everyone. But I wish someone would have told me that when I refuse sex, he feels like I’m rejecting him personally, not the sex. I wish someone would have mentioned that he might not enjoy sex if I don’t enjoy it too, so I need to leave no room for doubt. I wish that I had been open enough (with both my husband and our pastor) to mention my addiction to erotica. Mostly, though, I wish before we were married I had gotten counseling re childhood sexual abuse.
I guess that’s my long-winded way of saying, yes, he mentioned sex; no, it wasn’t very helpful; and between the two of us we had more issues than more in-depth premarital counseling would have resolved anyway.
We did have premarital counseling from both our pastors at our churches. I had two children from a previous relationship and my pastor spent more about blending the family since my groom hadn’t any experience with children of his own. He did share about us finding our time together with God. Emphasizing three cords are not easily broken.
The meeting with his pastor wasn’t as easy for me. His pastor did share about sexual relations stressing how important it was to my groom. It was my job to keep him stress free & sex was the best way. Even as far as to mention during that time of the month what I could do to keep things less messy. It was very uncomfortable and I felt I was being talked down to as well being judged. My groom & I spoke afterward and I was really hurt. It was our first major issue before we were married not about the sex but the sense of feeling not being validated & too sensitive. Made me question how equally yoked we really were.
Yes we went through premartial counselling and it did included about 1/2 hour or “sex talk”. Over all, I found both the counselling and the “sex talk” rather useless. I have since been a part of premartial counselling for another couple we know who were getting married (and that was much better! I learned so much more in that – after 15 years of marriage!) I wish we could get it right for intended couples! I will be using some of your book, the next time I am asked to help with this task! Thank you Sheila!
I didn’t read through all the comments, so forgive me if any of this is redundant. I agree with Sheila. This should be discussed in pre-marital coucilling. Sex was one of the huge issues that led to my divorce. In the classes my ex-husband and I took, it was given a cursory mention; mostly along the lines of ‘sex is great’. If fact, it was horrible and no matter how many times I tried to approach the subject with him, sex never improved.There was no one in the church with whom I could talk to or ask questions. I hate that sex, and the “how to’s” are so taboo within the church. It is such a big deal!
I am now remarried and sex hasn’t been an issue. Even then, Sheilia, your blog has been such a help with me being able to communicate to my husband and deal with the past hurt cause by my ex-husband. Thank you so much for stepping out and bravely covering sex!
We had pre-marital counseling and we were both really excited about it, I had grown up near a Christian retreat center, knowing a lot of Christian counselors and hearing about all the benefits pre-marital counseling will give. Our counseling was from my husband’s pastor and his wife. For some reason I don’t understand, we didn’t come across well with them and the counseling didn’t go well at all. We upset our counselors, Mrs. — left in tears at one point, although we certainly didn’t mean to upset them. They said that we had come in with a bad attitude from the start and we began to dread each session. We have a very friendly relationship now (though we seldom see them) but we never did our follow up session. With regards to sex, they didn’t talk about it a lot except to tell us that we had totally unrealistic expectations and we were in for a shock. The thing that I disliked most that they said was that they told us that the divorce rate is 50% and to just be “realistic” and expect that that would apply to us too. I’m like, hey, we’re fully committed no matter what and if you think there’s a 50% chance we won’t stay together, why are you even performing the ceremony? There’s more, but that’s enough to give you an idea. It was very bizarre. I would love to have more counseling some day, but not from them, much as I love them.
Our premarital counseling was a joke. I think sex was only mentioned to say that it was good in marriage and should be enjoyed. It was all pretty cliche. We talked about putting God first.. and how marriage wasn’t going to be all ‘rainbows and sunshine’.. and there would be difficult times, but we can’t give up.. we have to work through things and keep loving each other even when its hard.. blah, blah, blah, all the stuff I knew already.
We did have ‘homework’ throughout the week, where we were to answer some questions and then share our answers with each other, or discuss a certain topic together. Which I imagine would have been helpful… but my (now) husband said that homework reminded him of school, and he never liked school. And he said that he’d rather deal with issues as they arose, instead of talking about them beforehand. So, we wrote our separate answers, but never shared them with each other.
And now.. 8 years later.. we still have horrible communication and conflict resolution. We don’t share our feelings, we shut down or pretend that problems don’t exist, our overall intimacy is lacking..
But one thing is true: we love each other. (Even if we don’t always feel it or know how to show it.)
Sheila,
I actually just posted an article about pre-marital counseling and other tips to consider before you say, ‘I do’. Actually my husband, of almost 8 years, and I completed the book ‘Before you say I do’ as part of our pre-marital counseling. It was wonderful! I perhaps was more excited about it than my husband because that meant we got to TALK! We sat aside certain days and times to complete the book and really ‘chewed’ on the topics and consider how they would play into our marriage. It was a great experience!
We had 6 counseling sessions and 1 all day group session. We talked about sex in both types and it was helpful. Even after doing this (we were both virgins), we struggled. We went and saw a counselor who helped us about 6 times our first year. He helped us alot with other things as well…helping us stay ahead of issues that were small and that could have become big deals later. I highly recommend seeing a counselor (even if you don’t have big issues) I think that has espically helped us grow closer every year.
DITTO!!!!
We married in a small rural church; we were our pastor’s first wedding, and she was more nervous than we were. We had already had sex, which we admitted to her when the subject came up in the workbook we were going through. Instead of counseling us to stop, talking with us about how our marriage might be affected, or saying anything about how our premarital sex would affect our relationship (individually and as a couple) with God, she seemed relieved that we didn’t have any questions.
What we really needed was pre-engagement or early relationship counseling. By the time we got to our pre-marital counseling, we weren’t about to say anything that might risk us being told that we shouldn’t marry. It was a hoop we had to jump through, as quickly as possible. It’s sad to think of how many tools we could have developed during our pre-marital counseling that could have helped us through some challenges in our marriage.
I cannot remember that we had pre-marital counselling per se. We both saw a couple who worked as official counselors at the church we attended during the time that we were planning to get married. Truthfully, I was already an avid student of relationship and marriage. That started when I was an early teen. I read every single Christian book that I could on dating, marriage, and sex. When my wife and I were engaged, we read through Love Life for Every Married Couple. I believe that we avoided some of the relational gotcha’s that older marrieds are still struggling with. We have continued to study together over the years. We have read through books like Love Languages, Intended for Pleasure, Sheet Music, Intimacy Ignited, and most recently A Good Girl’s Guide to Sex. We have even added in a board game called The Discovery Game. It might have been nice to have more information before getting married, but I think that continuous learning and conversation together has been key for us. As I look back on my teen years and what I was taught in the church about sex, I think that I would have liked less “this is a very bad thing to do before marriage” and more “emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy: this is what the whole package looks like and this is how you can grow now in preparation for a lifelong partnership”. Once married, very little dispensed by the institutional church has been helpful and most other believers have seemed terrified to talk about marital intimacy. Most of our interactions has been through sites like this one.
I think the pastor did touch on it but I was relieved he didn’t talk much about it. I would have been too uncomfortable to have that kind of conversation. (And we have a lovely romantic (hot my husband says) bedroom life believe me). But then, I had a dad who (was a pastor but not our premarital counselor) and who talked without getting too detailed and a mom who had the actual “sex information” and she did very good. I don’t think I have read anything better than my mom talked to me about and we talked a few times (so as to think of any questions I might need answered). My husband read a book actually for women but I think it gave him all the info he that needed, through that book he understood that sometimes its hard for women and sometimes they might not feel like making love ~ and sometimes it might even hurt them… for my husband it was enough. He has been wonderful and thoughtful in the bedroom.)
I feel I entered the married life prepared. I had enough information and all the tools for making a relationship to work ~ I also have wonderful parents and even grandparents whom I know I could have gone to in case we had a problem (for the grandparents it would have been non sexual relationship things) ~ or even the pastor who gave us our counseling. Our present ministers are also available and I know they do address those kinds of issues, should anything arrise.) I’d have to ask my husband if he feels he was prepared. You do learn things as you go and I feel that its important to keep a teachable spirit. Communicate and communicate. And I just keep studying and keeping an open eye for things I can do to bless and strengthen our marriage. I don’t know if it makes a difference but my husband and I both committed before marriage (when we knew we were going to marry) that we would work it out ~ whatever it means ~ we will work things through and make our marriage work, we were both determined to do what it takes ~ hopefully we would have a heavenly marriage and so far ~ though not perfect, I feel SOOOOO blessed!
We had a wonderful sweet first week…. and things keep getting better and better. Almost 7 1/2 years both my husband and I feel that it just keeps getting better!
We had 12 hours of pre-marriage counselling using ‘looking up the aisle’ and we were both virgins, so although sex was mentioned,our pastor and his wife also saw us separately about a week before the wedding to let us know about their experiences. I don’t think I gave what was said adequate consideration until I went on training to give marriage counselling myself! Although our experience was different to theirs, it did give a sense of perspective to the first few difficult times, and the subsequent growing of our marriage.
We spent one session talking about sex, I think the pastor pointed us to some resources. It was ok, though I really wish they’d mentioned that I might be higher drive than my husband… It seems nobody ever mentions that, despite the fact that it happens in 25% of marriages (or so). As it was, I spent the first five years wondering what was wrong with me! Oh well.
Our church has a marriage mentor team(who has taken some training). Where a married couple takes on an engaged couple for the counseling. We take tests for compatibility to gauge where there might be issues and then we read a series of books, mostly together and then discuss them and other issues that might arise from conflict of past relationship and family life. When we did ours we used a book called Getting your Sex life off to a great start. It was an ok book. But we didn’t read it together as that was something they suggested to do separately to abstain from since it could cause physical intimacy before marriage. So we did and then we would discuss expectations instead and emotional and physical things with the people separately. I wasn’t a virgin and my husband was when we married. And even I found the book good, although not great. I am currently reading Sheila’s book right now and are learning things from it that I didn’t even know about and I’m almost 37 🙂 Either way, as a married christian woman I always asked my soon to be married friends if they needed to discuss things about sex and give them an opening to talk about it with me if they choose so. The once bit of advice I give soon to be wives and married ones is to talk, talk, talk with your husband. Communication is key in every aspect of your marriage, especially physically intimacy, but mostly should be done outside of the bedroom before engaging in sex, that way it doesn’t feel like you are nagging or complaining.
I hung my head in shame when I saw the topic, but….wasn’t so humiliated when I saw other’s responses!!!
Our premarital counseling….we talked about a wife’s submission a LOT, and went through the personality tests and differences… We did talk about our families one session…
I think One of the ladies above hit the nail on the head when she said that, SADLY, sex is a taboo topic in most churches…and I love Sheila, how she says, that’s so horrible, because that should be where we feel safe and open TO talk about it!!! And honestly, growing up, (my Daddy’s a preacher), I remember that sex in church was only talked about in a negative light…when talking about addiction to porn or premarital sex.. It wasn’t really even broached in our home…it’s taken me a while to not blush when I hear the word.. 😉 But anyway, my hubby and I have been married 2 ½ years and have worked our way through things ourselves…but, boy, it sure would’ve helped save us a lot of…confusion….is that the right word?? I don’t know, but I know it wouldn’t have really hurt, but only helped, if it was brought to us in the correct light, of course…
Sheila…thank you so much for not being afraid to talk and bring up the taboo subjects…. This blog has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me (and my marriage!!! ? My hubby will bring up in random conversations, “uh-huh…you haven’t been reading your blog lately have you!!” haha) because of how I was brought up and in church, the intimacy of marriage was an off-subject, and it was hard. My parents had a wonderful, and very healthy, Godly marriage and example to us, but it would’ve helped me so much, because I did and do still have questions that I honestly am embarrassed to ask… Sorry…I know that this is off topic, but I just have to say it!!! 🙂 Oh! And if you’re EVER way down in Georgia doing a conference or anything…I’m there!!! 🙂
Sadly, our minister did not even talk about sex. In fact, my (now) husband and I thought it was so strange that he stayed away from sex.. Almost like he assumed we had already had sex (we had not) because “everyone” else has sex before marriage and we are both in our mid-twenties.. went away to college… So OF COURSE had sex (not true). This was part of the reason we chose to leave that church. We felt that if our minister has given up on the sanctity of marriage, why should we be involved there and raise our children with the same attitude? It broke our hearts to leave but it was the right move. Sex should absolutely be discussed in pre-marital counseling with ALL couples. And honestly, I believe a majority of the discussion on sex should take place with both the man and the woman as well as the minister and spouse. Some things could certainly be woman-to-woman or man-to-man discussion but I believe having your future spouse in the room with you why you learn and discuss would be much more beneficial than separating the two.
My boyfriend and I took a class where there were engaged and pre-engaged couples (we are pre-engaged). We spent an entire class talking about sex. It was not uncomfortable at all to speak about even within the group of couples in the room because we had built a trust with all of them over the course of the class (the sex talk was last). The class was led by two pastors and their wives and we spoke about the importance to sex in marriage, pornography, guarding you relationship from emotional and physical affairs (creating boundaries) and expectations. After the group spoke about those things in generalities we broke up in guys and girls where we were able to ask the leaders more specific questions about sex. It was really awesome to be able to speak candidly about sex with women leaders I trust in the church. And even though my boyfriend and I are pre-engaged this conversation within the class has only made us more devoted to saving ourselves for marriage, since we have now have a greater understanding of God’s purpose of sexual intimacy.
We had one meeting with our pastor before the wedding to cover everything. This was not the first marriage for either of us, both with grown children and several grandchildren. Sex was very briefly covered to the extent that it is very important in marriage. The pastor’s comment will never leave me – Keeps the hound dog on the porch. This was even more insulting since I’m the high drive spouse. No matter the age or circumstances, counseling can make a big difference and sex should definitely be addressed respectfully and appropriately.
Our premarital counseling was great, in my opinion, and covered a lot of interesting and helpful things about a lot of important topics. When it came to sex, he recommended a book (Act of Marriage – my husband read it, but I ran out of time and did not although I should have), and told us “There are only 3 rules. Anything goes as long as it (1) does not hurt either one of you, (2)you both agree to it, (3)and its only between the two of you.” That is all that was said about it though. Looking back, I wish I had either read the book or more had been discussed about it. Although at that time of my life I would have been really embarrassed to talk about it with our male counselor and my husband. There are some things that I had wish I had known earlier in our marriage when it came sex. I cam across your blog, Sheila, about this time last year, read through your 29 days posts and then bought your book. I did actually read that book and it was sooo helpful. I buy it now as gifts for girls I know who are getting married from our church.
Our premarital counseling was done by books/workbooks for the premarital counseling class from my home church, and not with a church group or pastor. He was in Minnesota, and I was in Arizona; going to a weekly session wasn’t possible at my home church, and he was part of a very loosely organized home fellowship. The workbook had a section on “physical intimacy”, but I don’t remember everything that was in it (looks like we passed part of that along to some other couple). All of the resources were mostly good, especially the workbook, which had been put together by the church. Marriage, expectations, differences, intimacy, needs, in-laws, goals, roles, finances, communication, conflict, and love are all the sections in that workbook. There’s questions and answers that we did in each section, and lots of articles from Covenant Keepers.
In hindsight, I actually wish that my parents had discussed sex with me – not in any explicit detail, but more than just the Christian books about sexuality they left for me to read as a child and teen. I only remember sex being discussed as either “sex in marriage is where it’s supposed to be” or “everything shown in the world about sex is dirty”.
The strength about the workbooks and etc. is that it made us talk about practical things that we might not have necessarily talked about because we were “emotionally involved” and extremely excited to have finally found the right person. (Actually, we were full out twitterpated; I’m surprised we didn’t have little hearts and exclamation points oozing out of every pore!!!) The weaknesses were that some of the books were not as helpful, or quite frankly boring. The church I went to wasn’t able or willing to work with us on counseling (do the class or not). The church that he had attended before the home fellowship wasn’t willing to let us get married there since we weren’t members, even though the youth pastor knew my husband. Our own friends were helpful in recognizing that we were a good match, but I don’t think we discussed marriage in depth with anyone.
My husband and I went through, what was suppose to be 10 weeks of premarital counselling. We condensed it into 4 super sessions since we were only engaged 3 months. The last sessions was about romance/sex, done separately, so I met with my preacher’s wife, and my husband met with our preacher, both about a week before the wedding. This was probably one of the most beneficial premarital sessions we had because I actually felt somewhat prepared for our wedding night. Before we met, I was told to read the first 5 chapters of Intended for Pleasure, a pretty detailed book written by a Christian author that is designed for couples who are about to get married and/or couples who have been having difficulty in the area of sex and need a refresher. The book went over anatomy, it went over the emotional side of sex, it talked about physically and mechanically (without being graphic) what an sexual encounter could look like. It was very informative and I would recommend it to any engaged couple about to get married. At the premarital session, we talked some about the book, then my preacher’s wife told me some about her experience and made sure I realized that there’s no typical experience when it comes to a first sexual encounter. She made sure I knew it was ok if sex didn’t happen that first night because it was too painful(which it ended up being so I was thankful I was not the only one who couldn’t have sex on their wedding night). She made sure I knew that orgasm did not absolutely have to happen for sex to be enjoyable, esp those first few times when my body was still trying to get used to it. The whole thing took about an hourish so I’m sure we talked about more things, but those were what really stuck out and helped me to know that I was not abnormal on our honeymoon. And with knowing all that, I was able to warn my husband before we got married that, so he would know what to expect on our wedding night. I was extremely thankful for this part of our counselling.
I’ve been married 2.5 years now, and I honestly can’t remember if we talked about sex or not. It was part of our pre-counseling “assessment”, but our pastor focused more on the things that we had disagreed on since we only had 6 sessions. He did have us read two books, one was “Love and Respect” which has a chapter on sex. I loved our pre-marital counseling, but I’m not sure I would’ve been comfortable talking about sex with my pastor as he’s known me since I was 8. I think any discussion of it would not have been completely truthful on mine and my now-husband’s parts.
My hubby is a pastor and we were counseled by a fellow pastor before we got married. I think he handled the issue of sex amazingly well. He discussed sex from the perspective of what it is and is not. He made it clear that sex is to be between a husband and wife and should not be used to control one or the other. He told us that we should be respectful of one another and understanding that one may be in the mood and the other may not be. He never went into specifics of sex (i.e. how to, what it’s like, etc.) and I think that would have been highly inappropriate. Parents should be covering those topics with their children and educating them. As the mother of 3 kids I know that’s not the most enjoyable topic to cover with your kids, but it is your responsibility. That being said this is how my husband and I handle pre-marital counseling. We cover the aspects of marriage, including sex (as our pastor did), marital finances, kids, etc. We then break off into individual sessions. I sit with the bride and my husband counsels the groom. I don’t know all of what my husband covers, but I try to let the bride ask whatever questions she likes. I’ve had a few ask about sex, but usually the questions revolve around household management. If the bride is a virgin I give her a packet of information about sex but nothing too graphic. Now that I have found Sheila’s awesome books I now give them a copy of “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex” wether their a virgin or not! I agree that sex is an important topic to cover in pre-marital counseling!
I am so grateful for your website because it is the counsel and info regarding sex that I never got either growing up or in premarital counseling.
Our counseling consisted of reading “When Sinners say I Do” which is an excellent book and I’m SO glad to have read it. I wish though that we had received practical help or suggestions.
Our counselor did briefly state…”You both came from Christian families so I’m sure you’ve talked about sex already…” and then moved on to another subject. I should have spoken up and said otherwise, but it was the day before our wedding and I was to ashamed to say that I knew nothing about sex. I didn’t even know basic female/ male anatomy. I didn’t know what would happen when my husband was aroused – scared the daylights out of me!
Growing up sex was something shameful (I remember getting into trouble because I used the word as a synonym for gender). My parents would whisper it when making snarky jokes to others but we kids weren’t allowed to watch movies with it, read anything (Joshua Harris’ Boy Meets Girl was taken away from me after I bought it because it was too mature for me. I was told I could read it a few days before my wedding. I was 17.), I had to sit out of Sunday School if purity was going to be discussed that week.
Fast forward to two days before my wedding. I had been told that even Christian authors were often worldly and sinful in their counsel regarding “affection between a husband and wife” so I didn’t feel like I could look for information. I did approach my mom and mentioned to her that I was scared and didn’t know how to have sex or anything and I was scared that it would hurt. (I had read in the Bible about their being blood as proof of virginity and didn’t know why the girl would bleed – but blood must equal pain, haha!, and I imagined it being quite messy.) My mom just laughed at me and said I was being silly, of course sex doesn’t hurt and it just happens…just like it happens to animals. Then she told me that she was very busy and that if I had any other questions I should just ask my brothers because they all had talked about it lots (I’d lived away from home for the previous few years and things had obviously changed!). I was 25, my brothers were 9 & 11. I felt that highly inappropriate so I just kept quiet. It really hurt though.
Then after the wedding my mom and sister mocked me about not knowing anything…my sister (who is still single) told me “that at least her husband is going to be happy on their wedding night!” (My husband told me in reply to her comment that I made him happier than ANY man could ever imagine! )
My husband was only slightly more knowledgable than I about sex so it took several days to figure things out. It was very painful and I felt so ashamed, like I had let my sweetheart down. I’m thankful for him – he never complained, but would hold me and comfort me and just encourage me that we would figure it out and that he loved me. I’m thankful for that – I can’t imagine the pain if he had been as disgusted with me as I was (I was so ashamed of myself and felt so stupid). While single, I would hear friends make jokes about sex, etc. so I figured that I was the only girl alive to get married not knowing the basics. I felt so worthless and naive.
I discovered your website last year (in our third year of marriage). There are still lots of things we are trying to figure out but your website and book (Good Girls Guide to Great Sex) really helped us open up and communicate. Our marriage is soooo different and wonderful! We were committed to never divorce but emotionally we were deeply hurting and retreating into “shells” and we didnt know how to communicate biblically. Your ministry is also helping me overcome the shame I have felt about being “a failure.” It is soooo hard to find time alone with each other (we have a 3 yr old, 2 yr old, and a 1 yr old – we obviously figured SOME stuff out!), but just a few weeks ago read your article about pushing “the restart button” and starting afresh with the physical aspect of our marriage. We weren’t able to take a honeymoon, but dream of someday bring able to and are making plans to spend a relaxing night away from home by ourselves – will be a first for us! We are also trying to figure out ways to be able to have an occasional child free evening even if just for an hour or two – started sleep training our baby so that we can have those regularly at home while they sleep! My husband doesn’t think there is a romantic cell in his body, but I do and in the last year we’ve been discovering some and it has been so much fun! LOL. Thank you for being such a healing blessing to our marriage. I need to be more faithful in reading your blog…because each post always seems to encourage me so much!
(I’m SO sorry for writing a book!)
I don’t remember talking about sex in much detail during our premarital counselling, but our pastor did have us each read Intended for Pleasure in the weeks just before the wedding. I definitely would not have been comfortable talking to my Pastor about sex anyways.
I know this is a long time since this was posted, but I am enjoying this site now that I found it, and I still want to contribute!!!
We had counselling with a much older couple. He was a very large man and she was quite tiny. When we got to the part when they brought up sex, one of the first things they told us was that she had to be on top always because of his size. As innocent virgins, that was just too much info for me!!!!!!!!! I shut down and remember nothing from there on!
They also gave us tapes(yes cassettes, those old things) to listen to, but only once we were married. Sadly they gave us the tape for what to do when there are problems. LOL! It meant nothing to us, because we were starry eyed and believed we’d live happily ever after. Now 13 years down the line, I have discovered this site, and have Good Girls Guide on order, and I feel like there is somewhere I can finally get answers.
That couple have since passed away, and for women to talk about intimate issues is just unheard of in our church/community. Fortunately I opened up, in desperation, to a pastor’s wife recently and she has been amazing. I can be honest, tell her details, and she has given me good Godly guidance and encouragement. I feel like I want to tell the world that it’s ok, there are loads of people who have struggles, you are not alone, and that it shouldn’t be taboo to talk about this stuff!
(and I ended up choosing her to chat to when a friend who had marriage counselling with this woman and her pastor husband, told me the woman had taken her aside that day before she got married and asked her pretty straight questions like ‘Have you ever seen an erect p3n1s? It can be quite a scary thing!’ We laugh about it now, but I wish there had been someone to talk so frankly to me when I was getting married.)
Ha! It can be a scary thing for the first time. 🙂
Glad you’ve found someone to talk to now. I hope you enjoy The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
Haha! Yes, pretty scary! Love her straight talking approach, and looking at her no-one would ever believe it!
I can’t say enough how grateful I am to have found this blog and I C.A.N.N.O.T. wait for Good Girls Guide to get here!! We may just have a few earthquakes this side of the world! Haha!
Hi Sheila!
When do you recommend for an engaged girl to read your books on sex? Do you have a suggestion for this as far as a timeline goes regarding preparation?
God bless you!
Allison
Hi Allison, thanks for your question. I think that it is important for you to read the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex before you are married, as it will answer many questions that you might have about sex. The other books are more for when you are married, so I wouldn’t focus on them as much as the Good Girl’s Guide.