I was on a high. I had just returned from a week of speaking engagements where God had really used me. I had prayed with women, and they had experienced some major breakthroughs. People had recommitted their lives to God. They had confessed sin in their lives. Several had come to Christ. And marriages had been turned around.
Then I came home and there was an email from a “concerned reader”. He had been reading through my blog posts, and felt that I wasn’t presenting Christ in a good light. His email was very thought out. It was even gracious. He was simply worried about my witness. He wanted to warn me.
It threw me through a loop. Do I present Christ in a bad light? Am I a bad ambassador for marriage?
After feeling rather depressed, and wondering again if I even have a right to speak, God spoke to me, and said, “Did you do what I asked you to do last week?” Yes. “Did I move?” Yes. “Then don’t allow someone else to derail what I have called you to do.” So I looked for any element of truth in his email and deleted it.
I see similar things on Facebook all the time. Someone asks for Christian encouragement, and a virtual stranger will give a pat “you’re not praying enough” answer. Or they will say, “I need to warn you, in Christian love, that you are guilty of pride here” or, “I need to warn you that you are going off track.”
That’s how discouragement is often couched: “I need to warn you…” “I’m just concerned…” “I’m worried about you….”
And how does this “concern”, or this “worry”, affect the person?
It usually makes them feel lousy.
So let me ask you: Does God usually make you feel lousy? If not, then likely that “concern” wasn’t from God either.
Don’t get me wrong; I firmly believe that we should be holding others to account. I firmly believe that when we see someone that we know and love going off track, that we are to warn that person. But the key is that we should warn SOMEONE WE KNOW AND LOVE, not just someone we THINK we know because we know them online, or because we know them a little bit in church.
Think about it this way: if someone is being used by God, or if God is doing a major work on a person’s heart, what is the best way to derail them? It’s to have a fellow Christian come up beside them and say, “I think you are going off track.” It’s not to have a non-Christian say something snarky (though that hurts, too), or to have bad circumstances in your life (though those often can derail us, too). No, the most damaging thing is to have someone come and cause us to doubt what we have heard from God, or to doubt our ministry.
That’s why I firmly believe that if you are concerned for someone, you need to ask yourself these questions before you say anything and potentially (or probably) discourage them:
1. Do I know this person PERSONALLY? Do I have an accountability relationship with them?
If the answer is no, you likely should say nothing. I, for instance, am surrounded by people who know me, who know my kids, who know my husband. I’m accountable to my church leadership. I’m accountable to those at FamilyLife Canada that I work under. I’m accountable to my family members, who know what I am doing and pray for me. I’m accountable to the group of parents at my church that I serve with as we minister to our youth. I’m accountable to my husband. I have a ton of people who know the complete picture, and if I’m erring, they are there to help me. Because they see the whole picture, they are the ones whom God has called to hold me accountable.
And this is true for virtually all writers and bloggers. I’m using myself as an example, but I’m actually not primarily thinking of myself. I know a very well-known author on a personal level who has been very hurt by many emails this year from “concerned readers” who are worried about her walk with Christ. I don’t think people realize how much such emails cause people discouragement–people who already doubt their calling, because writing and speaking are difficult things.
If you are worried about someone’s walk with Christ, pray for them. But if you are not in an accountability relationship with them–where they are accountable to you, but you are also accountable to them–then it is likely not your role to correct them. Trust that since God has put so many people around them, that if the person needs correction God will tell someone who IS in a position of accountability with them to help them see that.
Or to put it another way: examine your relationship with the person you want to correct, and then ask yourself, “is it possible that God would put all kinds of people around this person, but not a single one of them would hear God asking them to correct him or her? Is it possible that God needs to ask me to do it because all of the people who actually are in the right position to do it aren’t hearing from Him?” If you still really believe that’s the case, then fine, say something. But I highly doubt it. When someone is in ministry, and they need correction, there are always people alongside them whom God can use. It is very, very unlikely that He would choose to use a complete stranger to that person.
He uses strangers to encourage us all the time (thank you so much for those emails!), but I can’t think of a single time of anybody that I know where God has deliberately chosen to use a stranger rather than someone who is actually in an accountability relationship with that person to send a message of correction. Yet I can think of so many times that words from strangers have been used to derail and demoralize and degrade.
In the Bible, when God sends prophets to correct kings, it’s because there was no one surrounding the king who really did know God. Before you reach out to that politician or writer or speaker, then, ask yourself–are there REALLY no Christians around this person?
2. Do I Know All of the Facts?
Occasionally I’ll post something that I think is funny in a column, or in a Facebook post. It’s just a throwaway line that 99% of the population would consider a joke. But then you’ll get someone commenting, “I need to tell you in Christian love that you are presenting Christ in a negative light.”
Ask yourself before you say something like that, “By posting this publicly, is it possible that I am the one presenting Christ in a negative light?” When people overreact to what is obviously a joke, then seekers get the impression that Christians really are killjoys. You may not appreciate it, but ask yourself: by bringing negative attention to it, am I making it worse, or better?
I’ve been an instrument of discouragement in someone’s life, too, because I didn’t know all the facts, to my everlasting shame. I was involved in a church where people meant well, but too many things were being done in counterproductive ways, and people were getting hurt or sidelined. And I stepped into the middle of it, writing a big letter explaining why we had decided to leave. I felt justified; I felt relieved to get it off of my chest. But I didn’t know the pressure the pastor was under from the board. I didn’t know what was going on behind closed doors. So I put this pastor in an even more difficult position, and he had been a friend of mine.
I still believe that everything I wrote in that letter was right, but it was completely unnecessary to send it. And by sending it, I discouraged a couple who were dedicated to serving God. Now we’ve rebuilt that relationship, and our kids are still friends, but I try not to get in the middle of things anymore, because the truth is you often don’t know what’s really going on.
3. Have I Examined My Own Heart?
In my case, I should have examined my heart and seen the pride there. It wasn’t about being right; it was about whether or not saying this would advance God’s purposes or not.
When we’re talking about criticizing online, we also need to look at our hearts. Why is it important to you to reach out to this person that you don’t really know? Why is it important that you correct him or her?
I read tons on the internet that I disagree with, and when I do, I either leave a polite comment giving my perspective, or I move on. I don’t feel the need to correct everyone that I think is wrong.
There is nothing wrong with disagreeing in the comments; on this blog, I leave the comments open for just that reason (although I do reserve the right to delete comments that I fear will put Christ in a negative light, or that will encourage behavior that I feel is sinful). But honest disagreement is fine.
What I don’t like is when commenters start to question each other’s faith, or start to question mine. That is simply not our role online. And I’ve been concerned lately about how some commenters on this blog are treating other commenters. You don’t know anyone’s full story, so please, let’s not assume things about each other. Let’s give each other grace and not make pronouncements on either their faith or their job as a wife/husband.
Yes, we have an online community for discussion. Yes, that community can become a place of accountability if we get to know each other well (as I hope people will in my 6-week course). But on the whole, accountability is for people who know our complete life, not just our online persona.
And so let me caution you before you leave a “I’m just concerned about you…” comment on Facebook for someone, or “In Christian love, I must tell you that you’re wrong…” It is very easy to be used as an instrument of discouragement. And many, many people, who believe they are acting “in Christian love”, are doing exactly the opposite. They are becoming instruments of discouragement to people who are serving God, and to people whom God is doing a major work in their heart. When God is moving, the enemy gets scared, and he looks around for ways to derail someone. And the easiest way to do it is to use a Christian. Do not be that person!
This is one of the main reasons for discouragement in ministry. I have seen pastors quit the pulpit over this. I have seen bloggers stop blogging. I have seen speakers stop speaking and writers stop writing. We discourage each other all the time, thinking that we are doing it “in Christian love”, when we do not know all the facts, we do not see the complete picture, and we aren’t in an accountability relationship with the person.
The online world makes it even easier to do this, and it needs to stop.
Please, don’t give pat “you just need to pray more and have faith!” answers to people who are really hurting. Don’t give “you aren’t reflecting Christ well” to people who are standing up there everyday and taking a stand for Him, even if it’s not the way you would do it. Just don’t.
Let’s examine our own selves, and then grow in closer accountability with those around us in real life. That’s a far healthier way to correct each other and encourage each other, and it’s far harder for us then to become instruments of Christian discouragement in someone’s life.
Have you ever been an instrument of discouragement? Or has someone ever discouraged you? Tell me about it in the comments!
[adrotate group=”11″]
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’ve been thinking some similar things lately, concerning unsolicited advice for people you barely know. (Chose that post for my commentluv entry, if anyone is interested.)
It is one thing when a topic is being discussed, and another thing entirely when an individual’s heart issues are under the microscope. Most of the time, I think people just project their own motives and weaknesses onto the blank slates of the peole they are trying to “help”. We’re probably all guilty of it because that is just how the human mind works. We have incomplete information, so we fill it in intuitively. Sometimes we fail miserably. We should try very hard not to do that whenever possible, sticking only to what we *know* we know.
But there is a flip side to that: If I’m going to ask for advice or encouragement on the internet (how do my knees look in this skirt?), I’m going to get what I ask for, so I won’t ask if I don’t want other people projecting what they don’t know about me into their assessment (Those are some fat knees, lady! You need to go on a diet).
Oh, Cindy, that was an amazing post! Everyone go read it now!
A well-thought-out post, Sheila. I’m definitely sharing this. I wrote a bit on this subject too: http://dianeyuhas.com/?p=1746 ,but I think yours is more encouraging as well as practical. I’ve learned something from reading this – it’s more important to spur one another on toward love and good deeds than to merely point out what’s wrong. Thanks.
Thank you, Diane!
Sheila ~
I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes comments verge on nosy and judgment. I often wonder if people don’t have anything else to do with their time.
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I Peter 5:6-11
So true, Candy! And I think there’s another thing going on in the church: We tend to value doctrine over action. If someone agrees with us on doctrine, we’ll give them a pass on other things. But if they don’t agree with us on doctrine, even if they’re doing a ton for the body of Christ, we tend to assume that all the work they’re doing won’t actually have any fruit because they disagree on some doctrinal point.
And yet, when I look at Jesus, He stressed obedience more than doctrine. He stressed heart issues more than head issues. I think we flip it. And so we’ll attack one sentence of a book because we disagree doctrinally about it, and we’ll get on our high horse, and we won’t see how much the other 99% of the book is actually helping bring people closer to Christ. I see that all the time. And I think we need to get down off of our high horses! (and I’m guilty of this, too!)
Oh, Sheila….that’s one of my soapboxes! Because I don’t agree with so much of the dogma that established religion teaches, yet I think God uses me sometimes to reach people that who cannot be reached, and are actually turned away, by the people who do believe so strongly in the dogma. When you can have a conversation about God with someone who is a hard and fast atheist, and get them to thinking about it and actually start to see the possibility of a loving God, and not say anything that appears preachy or “closed minded,” but help them have a new outlook on Christianity by showing them how it can be loving and not condemning….in my experience most Christians can’t do that because they’re so wrapped up in the dogma that it blocks out everything that might make them see something other than the black-and-white they were indoctrinated by. The thing is that when dealing with people who are atheists you can’t get hung up on evolution vs literal creation, you have to be able to say honestly that yes, it’s a possibility that God used evolution to create everything, and it would be kinda cool if He did. Because insisting to an atheist that evolution is completely wrong, and there is no possibility whatsoever that God could have used it to create, will only turn them away. You can’t get hung up on the literal translation of the entire Bible, because insisting that it’s an infallible history book doesn’t work – you have to focus on the messages of the stories in the Bible, because a lot of people are open to the messages, but are turned away by the idea that everything is literal. You have to LET GO of an adamant opposition to gay marriage! That issue is killing our witness with so many people! (Again, “you” meaning everyone, not “you” in particular!)
Anyway. Haha.
Jenny, I have seen exactly the phenomenon you describe happen over and over again. I once heard an evangelist dividing people up into A, B and C. The As are the doctrinally pure evangelicals who grew up in an evangelical church. The Bs are those who grew up in a mainstream church, or perhaps no church at all, who came to Christ later in life. They may not be as doctrinally pure. And the Cs are those who don’t know Jesus. Often the As obsess over how to reach the Cs, but don’t have much success. The Bs don’t obsess over it as much but have an easy time talking to Cs. Often the Bs are the best evangelists, and yet they don’t take courses on evangelism! It’s just more natural because they understand the culture better.
Another thing that’s totally off topic, but I think sometimes As obsess more over how to turn Bs into As rather than how to turn Cs into Bs (or As). And I’d level this criticism at myself, too. We forget it’s about a heart change, even if all the doctrinal pins are not as lined up as we would like.
Yep. Sorry that I got us off topic! 🙂
Sheila,
You are right on the money when you say: “We tend to value doctrine over action.”
While listing to the radio this weekend it brought back memories of a friend I knew in school. We were members of the same Christian Student group and he had a more liberal interpretation of some points than the rest of the group. Although he was probably a better “christian” than most of us, he was criticized buy the group for his lack or repentance for some of his actions. (I will send you an email with more detail.) Our attitude led our friend to feel ostracized – he quit school and started down a path with a tragic end. Right till the end, however, he remained a good christian and a friend!
That’s really sad, Stanley. And that does happen far too often.
Thank you for writing this. Excellent post.
I agree with this entirely! The other thing that kills me is when people gossip under false pretenses. The best example of this I can give is when someone asks prayer request for so-and-so and then proceeds to give you a detailed account of what the prayer request is for. I’ve seen this personally. I’ve actually got a few people in my life that I don’t go to with my prayer requests anymore because I know they, in turn, are going to go to all of their friends and tell them my business. I make it my rule that if someone comes to me for prayer I may turn that request over to my church by simply stating so-and-so needs prayer and leave it at that.
Sheila,
God has definitely used you today. I’ve been silent for 25 days after discovering that someone I thought was a friend had referred to me as “sanctimonious” because of a blog series I’m writing. Today, after 25 days of prayer and searching and prayer and self-examination and prayer, I published another post with some very hard, God revealed truth. I already know it will make more than a few someones feel “lousy” as you put it.
That comment definitely derailed me. I did doubt. For nearly a month. I stopped writing completely, not just that series. But to remain silent when I am confident God wants me to continue writing this message would be disobedience. I’m so thankful for the wise counsel I’ve sought and received, including your post today. That link on facebook appeared in front of me at EXACTLY the right time. God is good. Thank you.
Julie Stiles Mills
Wow! That’s so cool! I’m so jazzed whenever I know I can be used as an encouragement. I’ll go over and read your post now.
wow. God is continuing to move. Within minutes of reading your blog post on Monday, I got a comment on the post I had delayed publishing for 25 days after being called “sanctimonious.” The comment was NOT good. It hit hard. HARD. Even though the person who commented (1) does not have a relationship with me and (2) does not know all the facts. I have no idea whether she examined her heart and took time to reflect on what she read, but given how quickly the comment appeared after the post appeared…
I was OVERCOME with doubt. questioning God and demanding to know WHY he was nagging the crud out of me to post these things when it seemed to be POINTLESS and divisive. (God basically said, “yo. Did YOU make the ocean? I’m GOD.)
I was wrecked all over again.
and then. within the next 24 hours, FIVE Christian sisters came out of the woodwork. Only two of them had read my post. They all have a relationship with me in various ways. They ALL asked me for more information. Each of them is removed from (not personally involved in) the situation. They are all PRAYING women. These are women I believe are WISE COUNSEL. God used all five of them, in very, very different ways to give me peace and encouragement. One of them actually told me to suck it up and be obedient. (but in an encouraging way.) 🙂 God is Good.
but I admit. I am begging God to let me be DONE with this blog series.
I’ve both had people discourage me, and also I have inadvertently discouraged other people (which I feel horrible about, since I know how bad it feels!). You’re right, those pat answers are the worst. Also, I think that sometimes…sometimes maybe I haven’t been what some might call a “good Christian,” but you’re so right that it needs to be pointed out by someone who loves you (you in general), and who is in an accountability relationship with you. Because often times there is hurt behind the behavior, and if someone doesn’t know what’s going on (which we rarely….I would say never do unless we’re truly intimate with the person!) then they’re just exacerbating the hurt. However, if someone knows the hurt, and knows the behavior is a result of that hurt, then the real issue can be addressed.
This is all basically a repeat of what you said, but I just wanted to say that I agree. 🙂 I have been hurt so many times by well meaning people who didn’t know what was going on, or didn’t understand but thought they did. And this has encouraged me to think more before I speak, as well. I can think of one incident in particular where I poked my nose where it didn’t belong, thinking I was meaning well, and then it just blew up all over the place. Fortunately that relationship has been repaired (as yours was with that family), but I can’t unsay those things that hurt (even though I had meant well, I was horribly uninformed). So yes…kudos all around, thank you!
Thank you, Jenny, and you brought up something really important. I was talking more about how we can discourage people in ministry/leadership, but I think you’re so right that we can discourage people IN GENERAL when we don’t see the hurt behind behaviour.
Great post! This issues has caused major rifts in my family of origin – estrangement for years. After much therapy and counsel from pastors, I have learned an important aspect of accountability that you touch on – another person can’t unilaterally declare that you are accountable to them and use scripture to back themselves up. Even Jesus did not allow this! And Jon Acuff would call the “kill joy” you mention a “jesus juke” – http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2010/11/the-jesus-juke/ funny but true that this does nothing to bring people to Jesus. Anyhoo, I will be bookmarking this post!
Nicole, what a great article by Jon! Thanks so much. That’s SO TRUE. (And Jenny, if you’re still reading these comments, I know you’d get a kick out of it, too).
Great reminders, Sheila!
This is why I hesitate to give suggestions on the weekly Reader Questions – they’re often so short that it’s obvious that we’re only seeing a *small* part of the problem (on most, but maybe not all of them) yet here people go, offering all kinds of advice that only apply IF what they have assumed from the post happens to be true.
When I do offer suggestions to people based on a small post, I always try to couch it as “If “x” is the underlying problem, then here’s my advice. If “y” is the underlying problem, then my different advice is ____.”
This is one area where introversion has probably saved my bacon more times than I know – introverts tend to mull things over for a while before saying anything.
You know, Melanie, that’s a good point. I think I should put up more of a disclaimer on the Reader Questions. That’s what I’ll do next Saturday. In truth, most of the reader questions are generalizations of multiple questions that have been sent to me to stimulate discussion. I usually have already sent a reply. But people assuming things about someone is definitely not helpful. Thanks for helping me think of this!
GREAT post. I’m so glad you quickly felt the Lord speaking the truth back in your heart. I hope MANY people read this post and really listen to what you’re saying.
Thanks, Cam! That’s my hope and prayer, too.
I just realized someone did this very thing to me a couple weeks ago. I received a sweet enough email from a reader expressing concern that my stance on a certain topic may be perceived in a way that had never occurred to me. I asked my team of writers, who are also friends, and they all agreed the email was out of left field. But to this day, I’ve been rather paranoid. I’ve held back out of fear.
I’m going to share this post with my team because I’m sure at some point they have dealt with this, too.
Thanks so much Sheila. Also, your site looks fantastic!
Thank you, Erin! I’m so glad you found it helpful.
Thank you I needed that! Your a great encourager!
I can’t see how your pages could be “concerning” unless that person is fighting their own change that your words express. Your blog posts and 31 days book about intimacy alone have turned my marriage around like none other. My wife and I fought over intimacy for years stuck in the typical circular argument. Nothing I told her myself could shine a light on the truth that God even spells out in the Bible. But when the same message came from you and so many others that follow your sit, it truly changed both of our hearts.
I read and pray every day for your ministry here because my hope is that more couples can also find the truth here just as we did. What you have written today is spot on again as usual, you already have all the accountability that you need. So focus on the lives you have already changed, keep on reaching out to the ones that need it, pray for the ones that are fighting it. And Sheila… thank you for what you do!
Thank you very much for that, Mark. It is not that I don’t appreciate the other comments, but I’ve had a LOT of backlash from men lately, so it is so encouraging to know that one man–and one couple–finds it helpful at least!
I’ve noticed the weird response from some men lately too, and you mentioning it reminds me of something…awhile back I was reading some of your posts to my husband, and he was surprised that a woman knew so much about men! I think what may happen is something I’m guilty of – sometimes I read through things really quickly and pick up on some points that stick out to me, so when I comment I don’t realize until later (when I go back over it) that there was more to it than that! Like my comment on this post, when I first read over your post I breezed through it and thought you were talking about people in general and just used people in ministry as an example, but really you were talking specifically about people in ministry! So that may be what is happening, that these men are breezing through and seeing basically what they want to see, rather than what is actually there, only they don’t go back to it and read through it more thoroughly so they stick with their original feeling about it.
I’m glad this made me think of that, because I’ll try to take more time with what I’m reading from now on….
Sheila, my husband and I both regularly read your blog, often he reads it first and we talk about it. He really appreciates your point of view and your ministry has made a difference in our marriage. No backlash here!
You know what I see here… 1. The signs that you’re really reaching an ever growing audience and that the enemy is getting scared. 2. That Sheila really cares about doing God’s will for marriages and reflects on herself every time she gets negative feedback. To tell you the truth I don’t really think the criticism is going to slow down, but really is that a bad thing, it’s more like a meter of how far the message is getting out.
I have been a Christian since a young boy, it has been a tough road because I am upfront about it. I share what I believe all the time. In fact I work in the computer industry as a software engineer where science is the norm and what I believe is the minority. But even in that environment I have been able to help others find God, people that would have never became Christians are now believers.
As an engineer I keep thinking there should to be a better way for you to manage the emails or if maybe you start putting up these messages and let us help refute them. There is many that stand for the same truths about marriage and can debate these emails too.
It’s not always easy though to stand behind Gods truth with how strong other opinions are. As for me it’s faith building, because every time I get push back I dig deeper into Gods word and grow my faith. As believers it’s a tough road we travel but we must continue. Go Sheila go! God bless! 🙂
Sheila, I’m another man who finds value in your blog. While I know you write to women more than men, there are good things in what you write (and knowing what women are thinking helps me to know how to love and support my own wife). Don’t let the criticism beat you down; they’re off base. YOU are the one on the right track.
Thanks, Phil. Appreciate it!
Thanks for everything you do! Also thanks to everyone for your wonderful links.
I’ve never once that that you were shedding a bad light on Christ. The thing I love most about your ministry is that you’re confronting problems that many people ignore. Pornography especially needs to be addressed in our society and I love that you are not afraid to stand up and advocate for the wives that are affected by this! Thank you for all that you do and God bless!
I almost agree with the post 100%. You’re so right that we should be slow to criticize in a situation that doesn’t concern us or where we don’t have that sort of relationship with the other person. On the other hand, I think that in public situations there’s a little more leeway. If an acquaintance at Bible study or mom’s group starts bad mouthing someone (friend/husband/absent group member) then I think it’s perfectly fine to deliver a public rebuke of the “That’s not appropriate here” sort. I think the same thing can apply to blogs. If you made some tasteless joke about the Last Supper I’d say something. If you wrote a post about how you advised a woman to leave her husband because she wasn’t haaaaaaaapy and he didn’t do the dishes I’d say something. (I purposely chose examples of things I can’t imagine you doing.) I think that what we say publicly goes in a different box from the things we say privately. There’s a difference between “I disagree with x statement in your last post for y reason” and “I heard from Anne what you told Sarah, and as I was telling Ruth I think that’s totally bad advice.” All the principles of Christian charity applying in both cases of course 🙂
And for the record – I’m a doctrines kind of girl. Not legalism. The less likely I am to see your undies when you bend over the more I could care less about your skirt length. My personal preferences for dress are non-binding 🙂 But, I’ll argue about abortion and evolution and hell and free will. To me, saying any of those things is a stumbling block is silly because to the unregenerate the very idea of the Gospel is a stumbling block. My job is to live well, pray hard, and smack any idols I see laying around.
But see….calling non-Christians “the unregenerate” (“obstinately wrong or bad”) is very….unChristian-like. And isn’t it better to present the Gospel in such a way that it is not a stumbling block anymore, rather than reinforcing and beating people over the head with stumbling blocks?
What about Jesus calling the scribes and Pharisee’s snakes, vipers, white washed sepulchres? What about Paul listing, in his letters, the very names of those who were doing him wrong? What of Jesus saying to His own disciples, oh you of little faith. How long must I suffer your ignorance? When Jesus pulled Peter out of the water, he didn’t high five him for getting out and and walking on the water that little bit. He chastised Peter for his lack of faith. The woman caught in the act of adultery was told to go and sin no more. Jesus called the seller’s in the temple, thieves.
We were unregenerated before we accepted Christ. We were lost and without hope. We can’t be PC when it comes to people’s eternal lives. Jesus called the Samaritan’s, dog’s when the woman came asking for healing for her child. The woman at the well was called into account for the five husbands and the current one not being her husband.
Jesus lived with a passion for people. While on earth, He was direct. Jesus elicited strong emotions and reactions wherever He went. We call sins, mistakes because we don’t want to offend. Jesus called sin, sin, because it is a matter of life and death. Where is our passion for the lost?
I’d agree Ryck, but in general Jesus was talking to people who were already religious. When He spoke to people who were not, He generally was much more kind. Even with the woman at the well, He did talk gently to her (and He showed her honour by talking to her at all). I think Jenny’s point is a good one, and it’s one that I use often, too: when I was on the Huffington Post webinar talking about sex outside of marriage, I didn’t tell them all that they were going to hell because they didn’t know Jesus. I told them that they were missing out on what sex was really for because they were missing out on real intimacy. You have to choose the appropriate message based on where you are. People responded to Jesus’ love as well as His message; and He rarely threw in His message before He first established a relationship with people. When we show up online and start telling people they’re going to hell, that is not an effective witness, and it isn’t doing things the way Jesus did.
Jesus also knew the hearts of the people he was talking to and Paul was writing to groups of people that he had relationships with. Jesus knew whether his words would inspire people to action or damage them and chose his words accordingly. Since we’re not God and don’t know the hearts of people we’re not in close, regular relationship with, we don’t know those things. Words that we think are challenging and appropriate may be deeply damaging and may hinder God’s plan in that person’s life. That’s the “first take the plank out of your own eye before removing the speck in your brother’s” thing.
Oh for Pete’s sake :p I don’t walk around wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with “Repent Ye Unregenerate Losers!” An unregenerate is (theologically speaking) a person who hasn’t experienced the saving love of Christ Jesus and had her life transformed by the Gospel. If a professing atheist asks me what I think on that point I’ll tell them. No use waffling about it. On the other hand, I don’t make assumptions about the salvation of those around me. I genuinely try to live in peace with all men. The message isn’t love versus repentance. It’s love and repentance. Some people need to see that God loves them enough to deal with their crap whereas others need to be convinced that they really are carrying around a miserable burden of sin before seeing the grace of God who deals mercifully with that sin.
Thank you, Sheila. I’ve been going through a lot spiritually and emotionally and I’ve been feeling very discouraged by an email sent from a Facebook “friend”. We haven’t seen each other in four or five years and even when we did, we didn’t know each other well. But, based on me posting a semi-controversial article that I was curious to see what my friends thought of, she sent me a note saying that she was rebuking me in Christ (for posting the article? for wondering if the conclusions were true? for disagreeing with it, but posting it anyway? she never said why) and, after some back and forth, she said that I should be grateful for her rebuke. I’ve felt like she was in the wrong (especially since that’s about the only communication we’ve had in these four or five years), but she was so certain in her email and I was so uncertain due to what I was going through, so her email caused me a lot of discouragement and doubt. Your post has been such an encouragement and a big affirmation. Thank you.
I’m so glad, Tara! Thank YOU for encouraging me, too.
Thank you for this timely post. :o) Very encouraging!
Thanks, Sheila. You just have a way of saying the right things at the right time. Jesus sure wasn’t about pleasing and appeasing the masses. He was all about laying it on the line – despite the criticism. Go in Him! He will give the the wherewithal and the discernment you need in your ministry. You’ve given me some affirmation this day. Much appreciated.
i can relate to this in part, because everything that pops into your head is not from God! So when a topic/idea begins to form in my head, i don’t act on it right away. I know if i go with my first thought or impression i come off very strong or snarky, lol. So i wait, and meditate on it, and when i get a release, that it is time, then i do it. There are times though, when you feel like one of the prophets that no one wanted to hear what he had to say, because they didn’t like it, wanted to kill him. So many times you say nothing at all.
If its a controversial topic, like adultery, i try to go with what the Word says on it, then how to stop or recover from it, and i always try to give hope. But i will not water down the gospel, to make it user friendly, people tend to worry about feelings more than truth sometimes, and just let things slide, don’t say anything, and people get hurt.
I tell the Father “i will not say anything that is not from you”, i don’t want to be a Pharisee, and most of the time what i am posting about is something i can testify about, either having done it or done to me.
there is a place for reproving and correction, but it has to be HIS way, no stone throwing allowed!
I wrote a letter to my pastors once too, and it was mean, coming from my hurt for the most part. But they were very nice, and loved me anyway, and we still go there. But yea, they are human too, and they will not get it right everytime, just like us 🙂
Very often this kind of “concern” (be it email, in person, over the phone, by nastygram, etc.) is not a true concern, but a passive aggressive way of disagreeing. You see, if they just come up with reasons why they disagree, they will have to defend their position and potentially be shown to be incorrect (or at least in an extreme minority). However, if they couch it in religious talk, then it’s no longer an opinion, but it’s been baptized and sanctified as a warning from one who is (theoretically) on a great spiritual plane and is not a matter of debate but a Thus Saith The Prophet (and therefore, the Lord).
They don’t have the courage to enter into debate, rather, they choose to try and occupy the moral high ground and place themselves as the great arbiter of that which is in line with Christ. Thus, they win from the get go.
In other words, if they aren’t sociopaths, you can see it from there.
I fully agree with your posts, and many critics would serve the Body of Christ better through a vow of silence. They aren’t interested in learning and growing, they’re interested in being right and therefore use a form of criticism that is above challenge. They’re full of baloney.
I agree with this. So much easier to posture than engage.
Occasionally I’ll post something that I think is funny in a column, or in a Facebook post. It’s just a throwaway line that 99% of the population would consider a joke. But then you’ll get someone commenting, “I need to tell you in Christian love that you are presenting Christ in a negative light.”
Some people don’t get humor. They don’t understand sarcasm or hyperbole or slapstick. They take everything said or written literally. They are the people who find no joy in life or in Christianity.
You will NEVER make these people happy, so don’t you dare let them get to you.
I just needed to warn you. 😉
Oh this is so good!!!! I have thought this SOOOO many times, especially in regard to teenagers in church. I grew up in a close-knit church where everyone is everyone else’s mother, if you know what I mean. While this has it’s strong benefits, far too often people feel like they can “encourage”/correct/chastise someone just because they changed their diapers when they were two. Or they think that because they are good friends with your mama they have the right to put you in your place.
If you are REALLY truly concerned about something (I’m not talking about you thinking they shouldn’t have worn that to church, didn’t like the soundtrack on the special they sang, etc.), but you don’t have a CLOSE relationship, you STILL have to hold your tongue. You CAN talk to someone they are close to – their parent or mentor. But do not risk your potential influence and relationship with that person just to “get it off your chest” or “obey your conscience.”
Whew! Haha! Didn’t mean to get so riled 😉 Thanks for the post, Sheila! As mama always said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Great article. I’m not one to confront people but I’ve received a LOT of flack on Facebook for liking certain posts. As have family members. My mother is an evangelical Christian. She recently LIKED a post about marriage being between a man and woman. One of her friends blasted her publicly because she has a gay grandson. And this friend was pretty stong in her comment of dislike…she used 5 exclamation points! lol I see many things on Facebook and on the internet that I don’t agree with. I don’t comment on it, I just glaze over it and move on.
Presenting Christ in a good light — what a loaded term!
Funny thing is, if we did many of the things Jesus actually did, we would be criticised by most of the Church for presenting Him in a bad light!
Hang in there Sheila, I think you a bit less imperfect than most!
Hi Sheila,
I’ve never taken the opportunity to tell you how much I admire your dedication to speaking at conferences, marketing, and writing about social issues! You’ve done such a good job in promoting and developing your brand! 🙂
I read your blog, about commenting on someone’s blog, with interest. Today’s writers, especially on the Internet, share VERY personal information from their lives and their families. People think that they “know” a person if they know about their bladder infection or their sex life. Why shouldn’t ‘t they feel this way? Intimacy is built through communication – even if that sharing is usually one way. I wonder why bloggers think that criticism or correction is their right, but they feel they should correct those who correct them?
Almost everyone has other people in their lives that have differences of opinion on numerous topics, but not everyone invites feedback. Bloggers do – they thrive on it! Discouragement is not bad just because it feels bad. Sometimes it is the catalyst for soul-searching, prayer, apology, or reconciliation.
Meanness is out. Judging one’s spiritual condition is out. Sharpening each other with Scripture is not only allowable, it is a requirement of living in Christian community.
Hi Sherry,
I appreciate you and John, too!
I think I would say the difference is this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a disagreement on an issue: is erotica wrong? Is encouraging kids to wait until they’re 18 to date wrong (or right)? Is it okay to withhold sex if you’re angry at your husband for using porn? All of these things are totally fine to debate and I have no problem with that.
But when people start questioning my mission, or saying, “you’re unbiblical and you’re leading people astray”, or “you need to repent”, that’s just hurtful. And I’m not sure everyone recognizes the toll of getting dozens of these a week. And that’s just me. I know authors who are lovely, humble people who get hundreds. And it really does torture them. You always second guess yourself when you’re writing. You pray about it, you think about it, you talk to people about it, but ultimately you’re never sure. You do what you believe God is telling you to do. And then you start getting tons and tons of emails criticizing you (because the critical ones always tend to outnumber the others. That’s the way people work). That’s why so many people give up–people who could have actually done a lot for the kingdom of God.
And pastors feel it the worst. I’ve spoken to many pastors who get emails from parishioners with “helpful” critiques of every single sermon. Every Sunday at 2:00 another critique hits the inbox.
That’s where things get troubling. Debating in the comments; no problem. Making that debate a personal reflection on someone’s mission crosses a line, I believe, and it can definitely cause someone to be used as an instrument for discouragement. I just think people need to keep that in mind. Yes, iron sharpens iron, but just because people blog or write does not give readers the right to comment on someone’s spiritual standing with God, or someone’s mission. And that’s what bugs me, you know?
Good response Sheila! I liked the response to John better than your initial post (not that there was anything wrong with the post).
It is difficult to determine what God really wants in some situations and quoting the Bible is as likely to confuse as it is to shed light in those situations. Debate is the only way we have to ferret out the best solutions to some problems – but the debate has to be honest and open and nonjudgmental.
In teaching openly, in whatever form that may be, you open yourself up to be held accountable. Sorry, I disagree with your statement that accountability should be reserved for those only who know all of you. You put yourself out there. You speak with concern to *our* lives and witness all the time, when you know even less of us than we know of you. You teach and yet you cannot accept any disagreement? (that is not lavished in praise).
“Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” James 3:1
Disagreement is absolutely fine; judgment on my spiritual condition is not. Just put yourself in the position of an author whose book took off, far more than she ever dreamed it would. God took a hold of that book and it started selling well in many circles. She was a shy girl. She had never really left her small town. (I’m not talking about me, but a friend of mine). And she was always praying and asking if what she was writing was actually right. She struggled, as most writers do.
And then the emails start–emails that sound gracious, but are saying things like, “you really need to recall those books because you are turning people away from Christ.” Or “you’re doing more harm than good, because your doctrine about X is so totally wrong. How could you have misheard God like this?”
They’re speaking right into her areas of weakness. Now picture yourself in her shoes. Writers and teachers are no different than any other person; how would you feel if every time you turned on the computer there were more emails telling you you heard God wrong, and you needed to ask for repentance and find another calling? Would you not get discouraged?
And do you really think that sending people that you really don’t know such emails–just because you read their book or blog–is a Christian thing to do?
I think often we believe that because writers or politicians or bloggers or speakers are in the public sphere that they are therefore immune to criticism, but the fact is that often it’s the opposite. We really do doubt ourselves. We wrestle with our calling because it’s so WEIRD. And so if the enemy were going to stop us from fulfilling something God wanted us to do, how would he best do it? Through causing discouragement.
The verse you quoted is absolutely true; we will be judged more strictly. But we will be judged by GOD, not by people. We do need to be held accountable, but we are accountable to those who really know us. I’m just saying don’t assume that because someone is a writer or speaker that they don’t have feelings. Don’t treat them differently than you would treat someone else. And the same goes for pastors. Disagreement is certainly fine; we do need to encourage each other on and spur each other on. But please, don’t tell someone they aren’t hearing God in regard to their mission or in regard to their spiritual condition, because that really isn’t right.
Does that make sense?
Sheila, Hmmm…I have very conflicted thoughts here. But see, where I’m hung up is that it seems to me that you pass judgement on your readers (or readers’ husbands) every day regarding their spiritual situation. To me, that seems completely opposite of what you have just said.
So here lies my big hang up. I’ve been reading these blogs for a while. You’re not the only one whom I’ve read, but all of them, the authors speak as if they are the final authority. God is the final authority. And I’m sorry, but you are putting your teaching out there, your teaching about SCRIPTURE. I’ve seen you said several things that to me see blatantly against scripture. Case in point here “So let me ask you: Does God usually make you feel lousy? If not, then likely that “concern” wasn’t from God either.” You’ve said elsewhere that God wouldn’t ask you to do something that hurt. Um, the Bible I read states very much the opposite of that. From Abraham being tested to offer Isaac on the altar, to Jesus saying that anyone who loves his father or mother more than he, to Jesus saying that we must take up our cross daily to follow him, to Paul and his thorn in his side as a constant reminder. How many disciples were imprisoned, beat and killed because of Jesus. Pain, discomfort, it’s part of our walk. I’ve never heard anyone say reprimand feels good. My kids certainly don’t think it’s enjoyable when they’re being corrected.
My point here is, I’ve read many bloggers lately who teach as if they are the final authority. Sorry, but no human is the final authority. Anyone who puts themself in the public light is opening up to challenge of their teaching.
Personally, I think it’s good there is doubt as you say in these authors/bloggers. You are going rogue, you’re going your own course. You don’t have a board or panel of people approving your thoughts, providing accountability, with the ability to pull the strings and funding if you go array. Good, as it should be, to remind US ALL that we are NOT God. It’s not about us, it’s about HIM.
Lily,
I’m so sorry that you think that I judge people or their spouses! I actually thought that I made care NOT to do that–what I tend to tell people, over and over again, is that I can’t tell you what to do. I can give general thoughts, but what I tell people in SPECIFIC situations is that they should get a mentor couple who knows them in real life. I can’t ever offer judgment on anyone individual because I don’t know them, and I don’t know both sides of the story. That tends to be my modus operandi when people email me, too. I can offer general thoughts, but I can’t offer particular advice about actual individual situations. All I can do is point them to someone who knows them in real life.
I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt like I have judged specific individuals, because that is certainly not my intent, and I try hard not to do it. I even try not to offer INDIVIDUALS advice, because I don’t know both sides of the story.
So I’ll talk about a scenario, but I can’t talk about YOUR particular husband.
I really do believe that it’s people who know us both in real life who need to give us specific advice. It’s great to come to blogs or books to read people’s thoughts that can challenge our own, or can give us new ideas. But when it comes to “what should I do in the here and now about a particular issue”, the ones that God sends to help are, appropriately, those who do know both of us and who can walk through things with us and who can pray with us. It’s just a different dynamic, and a different level of accountability.
I really do regret if that didn’t come across.
I do completely agree that in the specific situations of life, we should turn to people in our real life, around us, who really know us and can see both sides of a situation. I guess that’s my hang up, in that it seems readers tend to follow the person as if they are the god and cling to every word they say. As you said, you can’t present the entire information, you don’t know everything. It’s the word of caution to readers that they should seek out counsel in real life, or lack there of this advice that is always my hang up. I’ve never met anyone who is 100% correct. But I think often, readers tend to hold people on a pedestal and think that of them. Whether the topic be marriage, food, health, whatever. It’s so easy to cling to the “but so and so said and she/he is a famous blogger” mentality that honestly scares me. It’s too easy for authors to go unchecked and say things without accountability or recourse. It’s too easy for readers to hold these people to higher esteem than ought be just because they say something they like to hear.
I don’t mean to be coming across as attacking or mean, or arguing. I’ve just been so frustrated by this response that I’ve seen on many blogs, in many genres. The readers find someone, almost idolize them and the author isn’t able to take any conflict and it concerns me. In blogging, it’s such a quick paced turnaround, always needing new content, not always having time to process content, and often, without any oversight (I’m a regular blogger in a community of bloggers – I know how it works, at least in our genre – I’d honestly hope there is more accountability in the realms of those who teach more important matters like spiritual stuff). I just know how often I’m wrong on stuff, and I know I’m not the only one who is ever wrong. I guess, I just always get a little hung up on the lack of frequency I see retractions or corrections on *any* blogs. And I’ve seen too many bloggers say “hey, don’t question me.” I apologize if I misread you. We’re all human, inherently flawed and sinful. Thank God for his grace and Jesus’ blood that we can be forgiven on our sins.
Oh Sheila, don’t be discouraged! I have so many replies to this, I have to at least mention a few. I used to go to a Fundamental church filled with wonderful people with a heart for God. BUT – if you disagreed with anything they said – they would question your salvation. It was so frustrating! We felt like we couldn’t have an open discussion about anything, or ask for more teaching, or even ask to help with a ministry because if you even hinted that you slightly disagreed or wanted to change anything, “Well – maybe you’re not truly saved.” YIKES! I still love the people, but God led us out of that church and we finally found true freedom in Christ. Secondly, I started to develop a very judgmental mentality – and I am still praying my way out of it. I had a GREAT friend who helped me over and over again to look at things through another’s eyes – and to understand just what you said – that I don’t know what anyone else is going through. On the flip side, I lead a Christian teen drama ministry, and I have had parents love and support me – and I’ve had parents criticize and judge me (usually because their child didn’t get the role they wanted… :o) which HOW that relates to my spiritual condition I’ll never know! :o) But the judgement gets hard and you DO start to wonder if it’s worth it. So – on a smaller scale I guess I could say “I feel your pain”. AND – I also believe that when we DO have a ministry that shares the love of God, the devil gets upset and will try to tamper with it. Unfortunately, sometimes he uses other Christians to get to us. I do not want to assist the devil in any way, so I am trying to be VERY slow to judge. AND – I don’t agree with the poster who said “you teach and cannot accept any disagreement”. You are teaching to a broad audience – you are not pin pointing ONE person. When someone criticizes you directly via letter or e-mail, they are pinpointing you. So she’s not comparing apples to apples. PLUS – if someone gets offended by one of your posts maybe it’s because you hit a nerve and they need to examine themselves. I REALLY didn’t like the week all about wearing fashionable clothes, but I’m not going to judge you for writing that, because you helped a lot of people. Maybe those posts weren’t for me. God is using you to help all different people – not just me. So then we all move on. Keep up the good work and don’t be discouraged! (Sorry for my disjointed comment – I tend to think in circles!)
OK so this video doesn’t go completely with your article, but thought you might get a good chuckle. http://www.youtube.com/user/blimeycow
Sheila – a few minutes after I posted, my email was spammed and my contact list was sent emails from another source. I’ll have to discontinue following you on WordPress. Look into it?
That’s so weird, Sherry! I haven’t had any other readers ever tell me anything like that. If so, it would be a WordPress issue, not something with my site. And I imagine that WordPress would be on it pretty tightly. Could there be another cause? I use WordPress and comment dozens of times a day, for instance, but my email has never been hacked, and I haven’t seen other bloggers talking about it, which would be the norm when things go wrong. When Feedburner went down a month and a half ago, for instance, there was immediate panic and threads all over Twitter and in the message boards, but I just haven’t seen anything about an issue like this. I can try to report it, though.
Sheila,
I’m pretty sure you are talking about ye personal email to you. I do remember saying, “your unbiblical and leading people astray” on this one topic. I also said how I often agree with you. I make more positive comments than negative comments. I was not attacking you. I appreciate what you do and I’ve said that at least three dozen times. I was attacking teaching that went I believe directly against scripture…something that is absolutely critical to what you teach on- marriage. In fact it’s one half of the most important, relevant scripture on marriage in the Bible. I was not and am not out to get you or attack you. I think so much of what you do is absolutely wonderful.
No for a fact you have told me dozens of times I am wrong on a few topics. I do not understand the difference between what I did and what you did.
I do disagree with you about who holds you accountable, kind of at least. If you are a pastor (which I have been) then yes the local people definetly need to. But to be a blogger, you are putting your teaching out there…that’s your whole goal and then to ask that you don’t get negative feedback along with the positive is not being realistic. I don’t think giving negative feedback is “un-christian” necessarily. In fact, I think back to several of the negative feedbacks I received in the fulltime ministry. Yes, several were indeed unwarranted (I think), but now a decade later I would agree with those who were giving me that feedback even though I did not at the time. I wasn’t ready to hear it…I still had growing to do (still do).
I’m considered the best in my trade in my area. You draw a one hundred mile circle around me…I’m the cream of the crop, at least that’s the opinion of the contractors and homeowners I work…in construction I had a wait list during the “great recession” and housing bust. Yet there are many times a month I have to correct myself. Something my customers see that I don’t.
I’m sorry your feelings got hurt. My intent was not to hurt you. I truly pray for you and your readers every day. Not the kind of prayer that says please whip Sheila into shape Lord, but the “Lord, thank you for Sheila and what she is doing. Please bless her and guide her today. May she help heal some marriages today.”
Sheila, I won’t bring that subject back up and to be honest I think we just see this differently and it’s a big enough issue for me that I can’t just “accept it”…I think it’s a huge deal. I don’t hate you or think you are going to hell. I think you are probably a fine, great wife and mother. I think 95% of your teaching on sex is AWESOME! I think it probably helps thousands of marriage. On this one though, I think you are wrong and it’s a big enough deal that yes I thought it was important enough to bring it up in the comments and when that got deleted I sent you a personal email. To me is 20% of what makes a marriage function beautifully and let’s the Lord shine through a marriage so others can see and praise Him and come to know Him. I believed it to be a big enough deal to write you an email… and yes, I’ve prayed about it dozens of times, spoke to my wife about it, read my Bible about it and then prayed some more.
If you need to dismiss it, then so be it. You’ll still be in prayers. I probably won’t be here reading everyday, but not because I don’t appreciate what you are doing but because it jumps out at me and it would be tough to keep my mouth shut, therefore if you feel that strongly about it it’s better I not be here to not drag you down.
Thanks all the same. God bless-Robert
Actually, it wasn’t your email! 🙂 It was someone else talking about my ministry and my calling. I don’t believe that they read anymore.
Thank you thank you a million times thank you for this post! I have been having people critize me for helping others and blogging and I’ve gotten to the point where I was wanting to quit but God kept tugging at my heart and whispering that He called me to this ministry and not to give up. I so appreciate this, I received it at a very needed time. A million thank yous and God bless you dearly! Keep up the great work! I love your blog.
Oh Sheila! After much internal struggling and spiritual turmoil over the past few weeks – I have been beating myself up pretty badly and not finding much consolation in prayer – trying hard not to give up but feeling weaker every day… I sat down today to read your post. What a blessing!! It (and some of the comments) speak so clearly to some of my issues lately, and are such an encouragement to me! As Christians we are redeemed, but we are not perfect. With God’s Holy Spirit, we do the best we can, but it is still not ideal. But we continue to grow and progress in our Christian journey, starting from where we are (even if some days it feels like we’ve fallen several steps behind – or even a whole flight of steps behind!). Thank you for your faithful encouragement. It is very much appreciated.
Thank you for this article. My husband has been a pastor for over 15 years now and we’ve had some very well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) people offer criticism in “Christian love”. It took us a while but we’ve decided to just ignore the comment or just say thank you for your opinion and then continue to do what God has called us to do. After being treated this way by other Christians, who were close friends of ours, it makes me think about my actions and the words I say to other people. By nature, I can be a judgmental person, but like you said, it’s not my place to be the judge. I’m accountable to my husband, and a few close friends, who have told me before if they think I’m going in the wrong direction, or need to re-think a decision I’ve made. But at the same time, they pray for me, support me, and stand by me, no matter what I decide. Thanks again, for sharing this with all of us, especially those of us who are Christ-followers.
YES. Yes yes yes. Thank you.
Giving unasked for advice has been termed by some as veiled criticism. My hubby comes into the kitchen with a certain “look” saying, “Hon, I just noticed something and I think this might help you…” It’s taken us about 14 out of 16 years to get to the point where with a humorous but decided, “Out!” he skidaddles, with no hurt feelings. He knows.
I know a gal who is older in the Lord – “older” gets more relative each year at 50-something – anyway, this gal and I go round and round about being other people’s Holy Spirit if we offer valuable input. I don’t know if one can say not to offer input ever to someone we don’t know well. I think if I hear one more “We can’t be other people’s Holy Spirit”, I’ll scream.
There’s honest discernment, a gift from the Lord. It is meant for the Body, acting out of love, not from one’s own personal agenda or said out of one’s dysfunctions. You have some really great points, but the one decidedly valuable point you made in my book was to look for truth in the criticism, and if there isn’t any, spit out the bones and move on.
Lily sounded disgusted over the fact that she sees followers blindly going after the most current charismatic person, not reading their own Bibles and waiting to be spoon fed. She spoke to you through some really strong biases/feelings/filters and I applaud you for your heartfelt and concerned answer to her, getting to the crux of where she was coming from That was Jesus tender heart/love in action, and she responded well..
May you continue on the road serving the Lord from your heart, with such honesty and caring. God Bless.
Wise words, and well said!
Thank you so much for bringing clarity in this article! This has always been a confusing topic in the area of accountability and correction in the body of Christ.