Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who misses a close relationship with her husband, who works away from home:
My husband works out of town 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. This is very difficult to me, for we have no children (would like them but it is so difficult to even try with him being gone all the time); I am lonely and sometimes feel more like a widow than a wife. This is really hard on our relationship; and since my becoming a Christian 10 years ago, I don’t like the same things we use to do together. I know that has to be hard for him. I have been trying to find something that we both like to do, which is hard now. He doesn’t really care for anything I suggest. I even suggested we play cards like we use to and that was a no-go either. I feel that we hardly talk, and when we do it’s like we have nothing to talk about. He was gone for over 5 weeks then came home for a day and half and will be gone for another 2 weeks. I feel I am at my last wits end; I don’t want a divorce nor do I believe in divorce but, I don’t want to live like this any more. How can I get my husband and best friend back?
What do you think? How can she rekindle their relationship?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The Bible says to win them without a word as they watch your godly behavior. My husband traveled half the year most of our married life. Yes, it was difficult but I never thought of divorce. That would solve nothing. When he calls, be cheerful on the phone with him, maybe even flirt with him some. Spend lots of time reading the Bible and meditating on it so you become more like Jesus. This will attract him to you more than anything else. You will become a sweet aroma to him. When he is home, be joyful around him and find out what pleases him. This is what God commands us to do because it works!
I don’t know if its possible, but could you travel with him? My Hubby travels a lot (75-90%) & we have 3 kids. We try to go with him as much as possible. I also try to go just me with him several times a year. When Hubby is away, we try to Skype or FaceTime at least twice a week. We text a lot.
It takes a lot of work from both of you. I know my attitude affected our relationship a lot. When I was moody & always complaining about our lack of time together, we fought more. Now I try to pray & spend time in God’s Word more before I talk to Hubby or he comes home. It’s made a difference.
Try texting or emailing him. Don’t focus on the fact that you are apart, but ask him about his day or tell him about yours. Yes, do tell him you miss him, but do it positively. Build him up. Tell him how proud you are of his hard work. Tell him you know it’s hard to be apart & even ask what you coud do to make his time at home better. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Marriage is hard, hard work. Being apart is even harder. You have to tell him what you feel & what you want without being whiny but do it clearly. I found out the hard way that Hubby isn’t a mind reader. After lots of fights & feeling distant, I took a good look at situation. I asked myself what I wanted from Hubby. Then I asked Hubby for that. For me, I wanted to know that he missed me & was thinking of me. So he started texting me randomly whenever he thought of me. Those random texts mean the world to me. But Hubby had NO idea I needed to hear he missed me.
I will be praying for you! A traveling spouse is very hard, but you can have a thriving, hot marriage despite the traveling! We’ve been doing it since 2008!!
I always have so many more questions than answers on these questions before I could even begin to help, like:
1) Is he a Christian, it didn’t sound like it, but it wasn’t clear?
2)How far away is he working, is it always the same place or in different locations each time?
3)What does he say about the situation?
4)What is your time like when he is home? There are very few common interests my wife and I have and yet we have a grand time together everyday just by living out our everyday lives.
5)How long has he been working this schedule away from home?
6) Does she work?
7)What is your sex life like? I’m assuming he’s part of the 75% & not 25% Sheila keeps talking about here…but 2 weeks away from my wife I’d be breaking laws getting home to my wife & I can’t even imagine doing it on a regular basis. 5 1/2 weeks…I don’t even want to think of it. It literally hurts just contemplating it. As hard as it to ask, how is he getting his needs met?
8) How many hours a day does he work when he’s gone? At first we are told 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off but then it was 5 1/2″ weeks on, 1 1/2″ day off, 2 weeks on. Is he a logger in a remote logging camp or a traveling businessmen staying in luxury hotels? In other words is he out sacrificing himself, working himself to death to put food on the table or is he out living it up?
9)When home what’s his attitude like? Is he in general caring and loving?
I need a better picture of the situation in my head but I know I want to be where my wife is. So that is the biggest question to ask, does he want to be where his wife is and if not, why? The why, is the key to this whole thing and we can’t even begin to answer that. But in general if the question is, how can she rekindle her relationship? Make being with her the place he wants to be. The problem is we don’t know what she’s competing against, or if she is competing.
People say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but in my experience, absence just makes the heart grow cold, bitter and lonely. I’m wondering if this husband travels to a located job or if traveling is part of his job. If he travels to a located job, I would say that it’s time for them to consider relocating to wherever his job is. Marriage takes work and sacrifice, and if this marriage is going to survive they really must consider relocating, even if it means sacrificing convenient friendships or a home that they love, etc.
My husband never had to travel for his job, but while he was working and going to graduate school (which required him to drive out of town several nights a week), there were days that I literally never saw him. I got used to life without him. Eventually it got to the point that when he WAS home, he was a disruption. We forgot how to interact, how to build our relationship. From this wife’s question, I can see that this has happened with her and her husband, too. Once we recognized what was going on, my husband and I had to make a conscious effort to rebuild our friendship and our marriage. It was HARD!
I would encourage this wife to keep praying for her husband and for their friendship. (The Power of a Praying Wife book and study guide could be a huge help in this area!) Maybe she could send notes along in his luggage, one for each day that he is gone, to help keep him connected. Certainly she should pack for him a photograph of herself or of the two of them together. If he is willing, make nightly phone calls, and make sure to do as much listening as talking. My husband and I “dated” long distance, so our phone calls became our “dates.” By the time we got married, we were excellent communicators! If conversation topics continue to be hard to come by, do an online search for conversation starters. Here is one site that I recommend: http://cindydagnan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/conversation-starters.pdf. Above all, persevere. “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
This was my life for many years, the only difference being that I had kids. I even wrote a book about it, which you can find here: http://www.carlaanne.com/married-mom-solo-parent/
Many things suggested are good ideas. Here are some more ideas:
– Skype/email/text/phone every single day
– Eat meals together by Skype or Face Time if you can
– play online games together during his time off
– Come up with new ideas for things that both of you have never tried (for us it was painting pottery and we decided to make a project for our house over several years. It was amazing.)
– Attend a Bible Study faithfully while he’s gone, and when he’s home, attend with him if he’ll go, and if not, stay home.
– Each day remind him or tell him something you plan to do for/with him when he’s home
– Have sex with him before he leaves… as often as you can while he’s home.
– When he’s home, join in with activities he likes, even if you don’t love them (unless of course they are sinful), to show him he is important to you
– Pray for him every single day
– Each week that he’s gone, or every few days, do something for EACH love language even if it is not “his” love language, and then try each day to do something for at least one of his love languages. All of that is possible (touch is more difficult… but you can romantically talk about touch!) even if he is not with you! It takes more creativity but it’s possible… and a fun challenge for yourself. I found doing all of them worked better for us, because his are touch (which is hard to do when you are apart) and time (which we did over phone, etc.) But acts of service and words of affirmation, and even gifts (little things he could take along or find in his suitcase) made up for the lack of touch and filled in gaps, filling in the love bank, even though it wasn’t all THE love languages.
– Ask him while he’s gone, “What would you like me to do for you today (or while you are gone)?” and then do it. This shows him you care about him, and that you want him fully involved in what’s happening at home.
– Keep yourself pure while he’s away… both in heart and body. Guard what you read, watch, and whom you spend time with and thinking about. Find ways to focus on your husband even when he’s not around.
– And of course ask the Lord for wisdom. Then do what He says. God knows him and the situation best of all, and He wants to bless your marriage and make it a reflection of Him. So He WILL help you!
I’d actually love to connect personally. Feel free to pop over to my blog if you have a chance. http://www.carlaanne.com I often blog about being married and solo.
Carla, so glad you chimed in! I was going to put a link to your book in when I revisited this, but you covered it much better for me!
Thanks for the tips Carla Anne. I am getting married in 2 months time. And at the moment we are staying in different towns. We hope and pray and believe that my fiance will find a job here soon. In the meantime, I will make a note of these.
I don’t know if it’s ok to put this here but there’s a great site for romance ideas (very clean – great site!) http://www.thedatingdivas.com/ they do have some ideas for long distance relationships but I couldn’t find a specific tab for those ideas. Maybe it would give you some fuel for your marriage. And of course the Love Languages book – you want to make sure you’re giving your dh love in a way that he can “hear”. But of course the MOST important thing is prayer and being open to what God wants you to do…
Oh my …. well being an active duty military spouse hubby has been gone more than 1/2 of our marriage – often for months at a time. I will have to come back to revisit the post when I can answer better but for now know it CAN be done and I am praying for you.
My hubby travels for work and we have several young children. He is gone most of the time and it is H-A-R-D! I feel like a single mom and all the responsibilities that come with being mom AND dad are overwhelming. Thankfully, we’ve been committed to keeping our marriage strong and active, but that’s not to say there weren’t ups and downs and definitely times of great disconnect. When he was home, he felt like a guest in his own home, like he didn’t quite belong. We’ve worked through that. There were times where it seemed we lived and maintained two different lives and we weren’t a part of the other’s. We’ve worked through that. There were times he’d come home and we’d have little to talk about, or I felt like a shy date rather than his wife, or he felt useless around the home, etc etc etc. It’s tough! I am currently hoping and working towards us being together as a family this year. It didn’t work out the other years because of pregnancies and finances and such. I feel strongly that a husband and wife are meant to be together if at all possible. So, I suggest looking into traveling with him. Can you RV?
You two may benefit from counseling or at least talking about how you feel and how disconnected you feel. It can be hard to connect when apart. I’ve spoken to another woman who’s husband travels and he would stay disconnected from her and the children because he knew he had to leave again and it was a way to not have it hurt so much to leave. Also, sometimes when a man is away from home all he wants to do is just BE home. Start with just being with him…even if all he does is stare at the TV, curl up with him.
Just as an aside and not meant to frighten you, but traveling men tend to face greater temptation to sin. They’re not getting their sexual needs met because they are away from the wife, and they miss their wife and they’re under stress because they are away, and it hurts emotionally to be -apart, so some men start self-medicating with sin….often pornography. Don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you at all, but the guilt of the sin may cause disconnect from you. Be on his side, not against him.
Pray pray pray for answers and help through this time apart.
As someone who has been there fairly recently I can understand your feelings. My husband started working in North Dakota over a year ago and would be gone for 6 weeks at a time and then home for about 4 or 5 days and then back to ND again. I am not going to lie and say it was easy, it wasn’t, but we talked every day, and texted often, even if it was just a “thinking of you” message. We do have children but they are older and our youngest was a Senior in HS when my husband moved so moving for us was not an option. At first I was adamant about staying where we were and not moving but over time God worked on my heart and we made the move to ND to be with my husband as of last July. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was the right thing to do because of the peace I have had. God intends us to be with our spouse and like Ruth I had to tell him where he went I would go (not easy!).
I also want to encourage you to live your life while he is away. Maintain friendships, go out and do things, DO NOT become a recluse just because he is not there. He fell in love with who you are and often times as wives we try to become someone we think our husbands wants us to be and lose who God made us to be. This was a lesson I had to learn and I am grateful for friends who made me do things even when I really just wanted to be home and depressed that my hubby was gone. These activities also give you things to talk about with him and even possible outings for when he is home. Make a point of really encouraging him when he is home and plan your time around what he likes and desires, it will pay off in the long run. By focusing on what a blessing he is in your life instead of what a bummer it is that he is gone, you will both be better off and the embers of your love will grow back into the raging fire it once was.
I know this may feel like a hard season, and you may feel like you are often alone because your husband is always away but it’s easy to focus on what doesn’t work. Especially when you have so much time to think about it. My husband used to travel frequently and with 4 children it was hard but there were some small things I put in place to protect our marriage because it’s the small things that often can make all the difference to a relationship.
* I spoke to him every day – whether on Skype or on the phone. Normally after the children have gone to bed to ensure that we could have uninterrupted time.
* Whenever I fetched him from the airport or when I knew he was coming home, I made sure I looked my best – so good that he knew that I was excited and pleased to see him.
* Intimacy is key – when there was intimacy there was less irritation, more connectedness and relationship. It also meant that he had lots to look forward to, when he was coming home.
* Whenever I spoke to him I told him how much I missed him and loved him but did not burden him with unnecessary negativity.
* I found spending time with friends and family was important. I learnt not to always wait until he got home to do the fun things or the nice things because otherwise I would spend all my time waiting and never just enjoying the time for friends I had.
* Joining a small group and/or ladies group who supported me and who prayed when I needed the extra support really helped.
I know there is no quick fix for how you are feeling but I do know that when you lose hope, you lose the battle. Remove the quit option from your vocabulary. Remember there is no back door in marriage when things don’t go the way we had hoped.
My husband and I have had a off and on long distance relationship for the entire time we’ve been together–and often it seems it’s either feast or famine in that we’re together NONE of the time or ALL of the time, talk about something that will put a strain!! So I definitely understand!
The most important thing is to get that friendship back! People change over the years so maybe it would help to try to “relearn” him all over again! Try keeping in touch in whatever way he finds easiest while he’s gone. My hubby hates talking on the phone so whenever he was away we’d text each other throughout the day–often stupid, pointless, meaningless things but it was amazing at how far it went to keeping our marriage strong! Try flirting with him again, finding out what he likes to do these days, and building your relationship up from scratch. Learn to enjoy your time alone and enjoy your time together more! It’s certainly NOT easy, but it can be done and is very much worth it!!! Hang in there!
I’m a military wife. My husband does 3 month deployments, and it is definitely tough. Here are some things I do.
We play words with friends online. This doesn’t work while he’s deployed because he doesn’t have internet access, but it does work when he has to be away from home for other reasons (he has duty every third night)
We read the same book at the same time. He can take a copy with him and I have one here. That way we can talk about it as we go.
Write letters. I like to write one per week. I can’t mail them to my husband because he doesn’t get mail on the boat but he reads them when he comes back. Write about things you remember and enjoy from your shared history. That helps you feel close to him when he’s not around.
Keep yourself busy. Do projects. Take up a hobby. I’m a painter so that’s what I do. I also have a lot of girlfriends, which is great. Hobbies, interests, and friends will help you have something to talk about with your husband.
When he is home–
Have lots of sex!
Keep your mood upbeat. This goes for talking on the phone too. You want him to remember you with affection and wish he were home. So don’t spend time complaining about the time you have to be separated. Make the most of the time you’re together.
The first thing I learned about separation is that you have to figure out which things are worth arguing about. It’s not very many things. When my husband is home I don’t bicker with him about leaving his socks on the floor.
Spend time doing things he enjoys. Watch his shows with him. Make dinners he loves. Does he golf? Ask him to teach you.
Try not to get weepy right before he leaves again.
All of the above is not meant to imply that you be disingenuous in any way. When I’m having a lousy day I tell my husband that. When I’m lonely I tell him that too. But I also make sure I’m not bringing him down with my emotions, if that makes sense.
Have you sat down and had a real heart to heart with him? You say he’s your best friend, so there must be things you both enjoy and have in common. Maybe you have a common dream that you’ve put on the back burner?
Living separated while you’re married is not fun, but it’s not all bad. It’s just an adjustment, like anything else. I hope this helps.
This isn’t going to be all that helpful, but my husband and I were in separate places for a while. We worked hard at it and looked forward to being together again, When we finally did come back together, we discovered that it was difficult to have a shared life again. We hadn’t realized how much we had drifted apart because our focus had always been in being together, but of course we were doing things without each other (and with other people). Eventually, there were infidelities and we divorced – but that didn’t happen until we were living together again. We had developed different interests. It was my career that separated us (a decision made by both of us) but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have done it. We truly enjoyed each other’s company and had a great marriage, and I should have realized that was more important than getting an advanced degree. But we were strong and had a good marriage – until we didn’t. I would counsel anyone to go (or stay) where your husband goes as much as you can. Period.
Thank you, Kendra. Great words.
A reader just emailed this comment through:
My husband works like this also! We’ve been married for 13 years. We have our ups and downs…. However, I decided that being committed to my marriage was more important than being rich… So, I quit my job and sometimes I travel with him. When that is impossible, I make sure that we communicate daily by phone.
Also, when he is home, we are together. I hated that he’d be home for periods of time and I always had to go to work while he got to spend time with family or go visiting friends. Now we do these things together. We work in the yard together, etc…..
Our best times are when I ride with him on his two day trip to work and fly home! I also fly up and ride back home with him. If we have the extra funds, we take more than two days to get home. I read books to him while we drive…. We stop along the way to look at Antique shops and other things that really do not cost extra money…..
And sometimes we just stop, order pizza and watch our favorite TV shows.
My husband and I are both Christians – which does make that a little easier. However, we do not always agree on what is right and/or wrong. So, there is still a hurdle to overcome. PRAYER CHANGES EVERYTHING. Pray for your husband daily. Respect him and love him. He can see God through your life!!!!!
I hope you have found many of the suggestions helpful and are able to implement them into your marriage. My situation is different, as my husband and I were separated by distance for our entire courtship and most of the first 2 years of being married due to a long immigration process. Yet today, we are together after a long 5 years apart and having only spent 21 days together face to face during that time. It isn’t an easy task, prayer and asking God to direct your steps will help. Also understanding that God fulfills all your needs really helped us out a lot during our separation. Committment and dedication is required. Remind yourself and your husband why you love each other and chose to be married, often. Sometimes, it may feel one sided, push through those times knowing that the end result is what you are after.
Is your love life OK? Would he prefer to be greeted with some dedicated time in bed? (I assume you’re not suggesting cards as the first and only idea after a two week absence – as a husband I’d be offended if that were the go-to over and above time for intimacy! 🙂 )
My husband is away a lot for his work, so I can relate a bit to where you’re coming from. I’ve found my attitude to his work has had a lot to do with our relationship health over the years. Earlier on, I would whinge a fair bit about his absence, and regularly tell him how I hated him going away. Now, I’ve come to accept that this is just how it is. He’s a pilot – highly trained and well paid. Should he leave his job to please my need for his company, he’d loose all his professional experience and expertise and have to start fresh in a whole new industry. Demoralising for him and financially disastrous for us both! Now I’ve accepted that, things are a lot better. He doesn’t enjoy being away, but he does love his work and if I’m positive it helps him – and us – immensely!
I would suggest perhaps starting by working on your communication problems. If you feel you have nothing to talk about, just talk about your day. Ask about his. Take an interest in his work and ask detailed questions so that you really get to know what it is he does and what his struggles/triumphs are. This way you can begin to connect on the everyday issues he faces, and you’re together in it. Perhaps send him random text messages from time to time when he’s on a trip – ask how he’s going, share something funny you just saw/heard, tell him what you’re doing- even if it’s just mundane! Get in the habit of calling regularly when he’s away to keep in touch with what you’re both doing – even if sometimes it’s just a quick check-in before going to bed to say “love you, thinking of you, have a great day tomorrow”. Aim to be interested and informed about what he’s doing and he’ll be more likely to unload to you about what’s going on in his job/life – and hopefully he’ll begin to reciprocate!
Regarding the fact that he’s not a Christian… Read 1 Peter chaper 3. You can’t make him keep his end of the bargain, but you can begin by making sure you keep yours.
And above all… commit it to the Lord and walk before Him first and formost. If you love the Lord, He can show you how best to love your husband.
One question – were the two of you intimate before he started working away from home for many days?
My advice is to be waiting at the door for him when he returns home, and be dressed in a very sexy manner. It can be a sexy nightgown, just bra and panties, or maybe even a costume of some sort that is sexy.
Find ways to have fun and build your friendship while he is away. If you both have Internet access, play an online game together. My husband and I enjoyed playing ‘Words with Friends’ while he was deployed (at least until he ended up somewhere with no Internet access). Read a book together; get a copy for each of you and agree to discuss a particular section each time you talk. Watch a movie or have dinner “together” over phone, video chat, etc. Write letters to each other. If you can’t mail them, then pack them in his things for him to read while he’s gone. Find out what he needs from you, and be upfront about what you need from him (a particular shirt of his to snuggle with, love notes hidden around the house, to know that he misses you and thinks of you often, text messages throughout the day).
My husband is currently working across the state during the week and only home on weekends. (I cannot move to be with him until my contract ends this summer.) We text each other throughout the day, and he calls twice each day because we have small children who need to see him/talk to him. The first phone call is for them, and we talk again after the kids are in bed. When he comes home, I find that I need a chance to reconnect with him for a few hours (after our kids go to bed and we can actually talk to each other) before sex is a possibility, and I’ve been upfront with him about that.
Connect in little ways so that staying connected in bigger ways is easier.
Oh my …. well being an active duty military spouse hubby has been gone more than 1/2 of our marriage – often for months at a time. I will have to come back to revisit the post when I can answer better but for now know it CAN be done and I am praying for you.