Today’s post is a guest post from Jennifer Degler, psychologist, speaker, and life coach. She operates the website CWives, which gives women dares every month to keep their marriages sizzling! I asked her to write a post on something that I don’t feel equipped to handle: helping your husband if he’s an abuse survivor. She graciously agreed to do so:
One in six boys will be sexually abused before age 18. Apply this statistic to marriage, and you’ll quickly see that almost 20% of husbands have been sexually abused as children. How can a wife help her husband if she suspects (or knows) he was sexually abused?
First, let go of these false beliefs:
- “If I love him enough, I can fix him.”
- “I can make everything okay if I can find just the right words to say.”
- “I need to get him to admit he was sexually abused.”
He doesn’t need you to “fix” him. There is no perfect combination of words which magically erase the negative effects of childhood abuse, and pushing a man to admit he was sexually abused (before he is ready to face this) may humiliate, panic, or enrage him. Remember, abuse victims were manipulated and coerced as children—the last thing they need as adults is someone forcing them to open up.
Second, educate yourself. While boys and girls react in many similar ways to abusive sexual experiences, there are gender differences. For example, female survivors often struggle with feeling like “damaged goods,” while male survivors struggle with feeling like they aren’t “a real man.” Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by males (although females can be perpetrators too). Thus, a girl is being assaulted by someone of the opposite sex while a boy is being assaulted by someone of the same sex. This creates in male survivors many fears about being gay or being targeted because the perpetrator “saw something gay” in him. Two excellent resources to educate yourself are:
- One in Six, www.1in6.org. Online resource with helpful, up-to-date information for survivors, family and friends, and counselors. Offers movie and book recommendations, and even a lending library.
- When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman’s Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Cecil Murphey, 2010. This beautifully written book is for Christian wives and girlfriends of men who were sexually abused as children. In the first part, “Who He Is,” Murphey writes about his own experiences of abuse and healing, as well as the experiences of other men. The second part, “How You Can Help Him,” provides practical, compassionate advice on over 20 topics, including “Believe Him and Help Him Believe,” “Help Him Honor His Body,” “Accept His Shame,” and “Let Him Move at His Own Pace.” The author has also created an online site where hurting men can connect with other sexual abuse survivors: http://menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com
Third, don’t become his therapist. He has much pain to work through, and this is best done in the context of group or individual counseling. While you should listen to him, if you are his sole source of support for a long time, you may find this straining your marriage. Encourage him to join a support group such as Celebrate Recoveryhttp://www.celebraterecovery.com or Christians in Recovery (an online support group,http://christians-in-recovery.org) and to seek individual counseling as well. Let him know he is worth the time, money, and energy required to heal.
Fourth, be patient and keep your expectations realistic. Recovery takes a long time and often is “two steps forward and one step back.” He may get closer to you emotionally and then create distance unexpectedly for a short time. This is what recovery looks like. This process can be hard on wives, which leads to the final suggestion below.
Fifth, take care of yourself. You, his wife, are the other victim. He was molested and now you’ve been affected by the fallout from his abuse. You will need extra support because his recovery from sexual abuse will be a marathon, not a sprint. Get counseling for yourself and practice good self-care (get 7-8 hours of sleep, eat healthy food, exercise regularly, have fun with friends, feed yourself spiritually).
What suggestions do you have for helping a husband who has been sexually abused?
Jennifer Degler, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, life coach, and co-author of No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice—Instead of Good—Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends. A frequent speaker at women’s events and marriage retreats, she also
maintains a counseling practice in central Kentucky. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and the founder of CWIVES, an organization devoted to helping Christian wives enhance their sexuality (www.cwives.com). She has been interviewed by Women’s Day.Com, Moody Radio, and numerous other media outlets. Jennifer and her husband, Jeff, live in Lexington, Kentucky, with their two teenage children. Visit her Web site at www.jenniferdegler.com.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you so much for this post! I really, really appreciate it.
(Really quick, I want to apologize for my emotional comments a few weeks ago – I was still very unstable. I shouldn’t have even been allowed to say anything to anyone about anything, other than my therapist!)
Men often take a long time to admit the abuse they experienced, and even longer to come to the point where they deal with it, because, as you said, they feel like less of a man, they feel ashamed, they feel like it was their fault. There is unfortunately a big stigma associated with men who were sexually abused as children, and it makes it even more difficult for men to come to a place of healing. And they often do have struggles with sexuality later on, with homosexual feelings. And sometimes through their depression and their PTSD and their substance abuse (because substance abuse is very common), they may exhibit a lot of anger and sometimes lash out at those who are closest to them. It is a very difficult road, and takes a lot of prayer and a lot of perseverance, but it is worth it, because our husbands are worth it.
22 years after three years of sexual abuse and rape, my husband finally opened up about everything that had happened to him. It was heartbreaking to hear, and I am so proud of him for having the courage to do that. As said in this post, you can’t force your husband to open up, and you can’t force him into healing – he has to come to it in his own time. After he finally got it off his chest, he very soon came to the point where he forgave the boys (because they were teenage boys) who abused him for three years. He says that he knows they experienced horrible things as children to get them to that point. He actually feels compassion for them! Only GOD can heal someone like that. I praise our Lord so much for His merciful healing love.
I want to thank you, Sheila, for praying so much for my husband and me. We have needed it, and I am so thankful. Again I am sorry for the past month that I have been so rollercoaster-ish. I’m so thankful for my husband through this time, whom God has gotten to the point that he had compassion for me as well and loved me through it all.
I should probably say, I didn’t mean to give the impression that he is completely healed. Of course he is still on the road to healing and recovery, and still experiences the painful feelings – it is a long process. But, there is hope, and God has begun the work!
What are some warning signs that a man may have been sexually abused?
One thing is that he may have a much lower sex drive than most men. He may get upset about sex, he may think that you’re using him for sex if you initiate, even though that’s the furthest thing from the truth. On the other side, some men go to the opposite extreme and try to prove that they’re a man by having sex a lot with a woman/multiple women.
Another thing is substance abuse. Although many men who were NOT sexually abused are alcoholics, it’s very common amongst those who have been.
Depression and inappropriate anger are two other signs. Again, many men who were not sexually abused are depressed and so on, but those things are pretty much universal in men who were.
He may have nightmares.
There are more, but I’m running 45 minutes late so I need to go!!!
Wow! Pushing 50 and I just started dealing with this a few years ago. I was abused when I was young. I told my parents and they punished me for lying. There were more instances that I am only now starting to remember. In recovery for alcohol and depression I am learning how to cope and manage stress and anger. I abused drugs and alcohol and tried to prove through countless women that I really was a man. I tried to talk to a therapist, then another, and now have found one that is able to hear me. I destroyed my life, including my marriage. Learning the difference between an event and a way of living has been a really long struggle. Thank you for this post and for how it may speak to others like me.
Thank you, Sheila for having Jenny share this very important post. I pray for all who are suffering from the fallout of this secret sexual pollution.
The second point doesn’t really apply to our situation…he was assaulted by his step mother as a young teen. Not by a man. No one in the family knows and he still has to see her every time his father visits. She’s a horrible person. No one can understand why we only allow them to visit once every 2or3 years.
He had pretty much all of the red flags that you listed in response to the above post: low sex drive, drug addict, porn addict, depression, vivid nightmares.
At one point while high on drugs and seeking porn of a more taboo nature he stumbled into viewing child porn and decided to seek out more of it!
Thats when everything fell apart, rock bottom.
I had him arrested, forced into rehab. With the threat of loosing his wife and children, as well as the threat of serious jail time, he finally managed to decide to seek help. Intense individual therapy, marriage counseling and many many months later we are just now starting to heal.
Hello,
Just wondering how your progress is going. I am only a few months on this path. My husband of 20 years revealed his abuse after engaging in violent sex with another woman. I am trying to educate myself and we are seeking professional help, but it feels very overwhelming and it’s hard to support him when he has hurt me so deeply.
I don’t always read the article links on Twitter (or I’d never get any work done!), but I did click on the link today and read this very good resource. Shared the link on my Facebook page, if you don’t mind. I’m not a sexual abuse victim, and neither is my husband, but the one in six statistic stung me like a slap in the face. How we even as parents need to pray a prayer covering over our children every day, and to be observant over behavioral changes. We also need to be trustworthy spouses to where our mate would never have to fear transparency. Of all the people in the world, our kids and our spouse should feel that we are there for them unconditionally. Praying today for the one in six…and for the countless girls who have weathered this secret shame as well. How we need God!
I received three emails with follow-up posts today, yet they didn’t appear on this page. I wonder if I’ve missed all the follow-ups since mine since mine shows up as the last. Sorry for being off-topic here.
I really have no idea, Eric! I’m sorry.
Thanks Sheila for answering my question. I appreciate your work here.
Please remove all my posts from this article as well. I’m not comfortable with them being here.
I don’t know what to do, I suspect my husband of 5 years was sexually abused as a child. This year I found a condom wrapper in our car and a motel room was rented from our joint bank account. My husband tried to go as far as have his brother lie for him. His brother finally admitted he lied to me because he begged him too. Then my husband admitted he cheated with a prostitute but he couldn’t go through with it. I checked his phone and discovered he was calling transsexual prostitutes. I showed him what I found, he said yeah I called them but I thought they were women they were pretty. Then his demeanor changed he flew into a rage he smacked my laptop from my hand and slammed it to the floor beating in relentlessly. My husband started to scream and scream so loud. Then he grabbed the Christmas tree and slammed it to the floor over and over while screaming in a rage.This scared me never seen this kind of behavior from him before. he had torn up some more items in the house then he said I hate you. then he calms down and says come on baby lets go to bed. I left the house for a night the next day he was calm he said I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me. after this, I found out he still calls these escort and says he don’t know why he just does it but he just be calling their numbers.Now he is always in a rage he is always angry mostly he directs it towards me. He drinks nonstop he buy hydrocodone pills from people he is so aggressive and he treats me like he hates me. I asked was he abused as a child he said no. I did try to force him to admit it and yes I was wrong. I just don’t what to do his behavior is unpredictable its like he is three different people sometimes he is happy but go into a rageful fit out nowhere and will say it’s my fought. He constantly says he don’t know why he does the things he does. the things he does make no sense what straight married man, calls transsexual escorts. I don’t know what to do but we can’t continue like this. I am afraid to say anything to him because of the mood swings. I don’t know what to do never dealt with anything like this before.
Julie, I’m sure you love your husband and want to heal your marriage, as well as see him mentally healthy. HOWEVER, you need to pack your things (the essentials ) and LEAVE your house tonight! Before he comes home! You may think I’m going overboard but i’m not! A friend of mine DIED from what you are experiencing!
She and her husband had no problems for years until he started getting violent and angry suddenly. He started cheating on her with porn when he never watched it before. She eventually couldn’t repair the damage for their marriage and arranged for a divorce. However, she still loved him and because he was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, she let him live in her house. Three days after I last saw her, I got a call saying her husband flew into a violent rage and murdered her.
That was this time last year.
Do NOT live with him a second longer, for your safety!!! He may have a brain tumor or childhood abuse or whatever, but you can help him from afar- without the danger. If he does kill you one day, or send you to the hospital, would it be helpful for him to spend years or the rest of his life in jail while you are dead or incapacitated?
I also recommend the emotionallly destructive marriage by Leslie vernick. It will help you see things more clearly
Do you know of any support groups for wives of abuse survivors? I just need people to talk to that understand.
My husband just told me he was sexually abused by a caregiver and that, in the past, to feel better he has sought attention from females to feel like a man. Like, in the beginning of our relationship he kept in connect with ex flings and flirted with them all the time. I️ found out and called him out on it, but he made me feel like I️ was crazy. Turns out i wasn’t crazy. I’m not sure what to do. I feel out relationshio was built in lies and don’t know if I can trust him. Is this normal?
Hello my husband has had porn addiction then started on dating sites he then went into BDSM sites. Well he cheated on me weeks later he started talking about his childhood he has a sister 4 years older when he was 11 his dad died and his older sister started sexually abusing him. He’s so afraid of he talks to me I’ll leave I’ve told him he was a child he says after awhile he thought it was ok. Anyway how can I help him realise he did nothing wrong?
Oh, Priscilla, that’s awful! How terrible for your husband.
It sounds like he really needs to talk to a good counsellor. Or maybe read a book on childhood sexual abuse. Sometimes it also helps to look at children the same age as all of this started (especially children he knows well). It’s easier to see then that he really had no choice and that she led him into it. But I think the biggest thing would be getting him to see a counsellor who is experienced with abuse.
My fiancé shared with me that he was molested as a young boy, and that he’d never shared it with anyone before. However, it was after a night out with coworkers, and he was drunk (i.e. he doesn’t remember anything). How do I bring this up with him? Do I? Do I pretend I don’t know? I’m afraid he won’t share it otherwise, but it’s obviously something he wants to share. I’m also worried that he’s never had any counseling or dealt with this trauma. I love him and am here for him no matter what. I want to communicate that. I also want to encourage him to get help/therapy, but I don’t want to retraunatize him if he’s not ready. Any advice? Please help!
Oh, htat’s really tough! I’m not sure I have a good answer. I think bringing it up again before marriage is likely a good idea, because is the sort of thing that could really impact your marriage, and you should be open about it and he should be getting help now. I’m not sure the best way to do that, though. What about talking to a counsellor first?
Hi! Just curious because I went through the exact same thing – how did it turn out for you and did your fiance want to talk about it later?
Omg! I need someone to talk to. My heart is aching and my soul is bleeding. Today my husband told me that he was molested at the age of 6-7. The guy used to play with mommy and daddy and make him dressed up as a girl. He told me how that guy made him. A little boy to suck his dick. Omg. And after he did IT in his bottom. And this was going for a couple of months. The worst thing my husband thinks that he did not rape him.!!!! He thinks they both agreed on that. That man was 23 and my husband was 6-7? My anger is boiling inside of me. God help my family. I remember he kept asking me to crossdress and do him with a strap on. I used to do it. But he wanted to have those activities more often. So when I asked him last night Igbo he was ever molosted? And that’s not normal to me always to be a Man in bed. He olds me the story! MY family needs help. I think great psychologist? PLease, I am devastated. I want to kill that pedophile who did this horrible things to my husband. I love him so much. AND I am in pain now
Oh, I am so sorry, Bella! What your husband is acting out is so typical of abuse survivors, so you were so insightful to pick up on that. I pray that you will find a good counsellor. Just encourage your husband to talk to someone, because you can get over this. You really can.