When you first met you fell head over heels. You went out to movies together. You went out to dinner together. You even went on hikes! You spent time, just the two of you, talking and dreaming and kissing. It was bliss.
And now you’re married, and little kids are hanging off of you, or a computer or a cell phone is attached to you, and it seems like the romance has died.
I have said this before, and I’ll say it again: you can never drift together; you can only ever drift apart. If you are not being intentional about staying close, you WILL drift away from each other. And one day you’ll wake up in the morning, look across the bed at the guy snoring softly beside you, and wonder: who is he? And how did I get myself into this?
You got yourself into this because you both forgot how to nurture your marriage!
Sometimes he gets too busy. But let’s be honest, ladies: a lot of the time it’s because we’re too busy, too. I received an email from a man this week wondering what to do about his wife, who has just started a business, and who cannot leave her cell phone or computer for more than twenty minutes. She won’t even look up from the screen when he talks to her. And so many of us are overly busy with work, or with kids, or with life that our husbands fall last on our priority list.
How can we make sure we don’t drift in marriage?
Here is my 4-point plan:
1. Carve out specific weekly just for “us” time
No cell phones. No computers. Just us.
You can do this at home, playing games together. You can make dinner for the kids early every Monday, and then put them in front of a movie to have Mommy and Daddy dinners together. You can decide that Saturday the kids get up on their own and you both stay in bed.
This works better if it’s a regular date–say we meet together for lunch every Tuesday, or we sleep in every Saturday, or we eat dinner late every Wednesday. Put it in your calendar! But every week you’ll know that there is a specific time that you’ll be connecting.
2. Do something special once a month
Every now and then, though (I’d say once a month), it’s important to actually feel like you’ve done something special. If money is tight you can do that at home, but it is possible to find cheap date nights on the town. Use Groupon, or go to free events at libraries or community centers.
Look around for some great deals online, or check out your community paper, and you may find that going out for a date isn’t as expensive as you think!
3. Take up a sport together
Play squash together. Go swimming together. Play tennis together. Go hiking together. My husband and I recently started bird watching together. We’re about to start Irish dancing. Find something that you enjoy doing and just do it. In fact, even if you don’t enjoy it, but he does, do it anyway! You get to spend time side by side, and most talking actually is easier side by side, when you’re doing something, than face to face.
4. Take the Kids
I know it doesn’t sound as romantic, but some of my best memories with my husband are of things that we did with the kids. It really isn’t always possible to get a baby-sitter, or to carve out time out of the house just the two of you frequently (I really think you should do it at least monthly, but you still need more outings than just that!) So if you can’t leave the kids with someone, take them along and have a great time doing something different. Plan on doing this at least one weekend a month.
Go to the zoo. Go to a museum. Go to a park. Get creative! Check out the library for upcoming library programs or community events. Just getting out of the house can do you so much good, because you do get away from the computer and other screens, and you’re able to enjoy each other more.
It’s easy to say “we’re too busy”, or “we don’t have any money”, or “we have a good marriage, and the kids need me more right now.” It is so easy to let our schedule get filled up with work, or kids’ activities. And so we let our daily routine suck the life right out of us. Don’t. Make a regular date with your spouse once a week, even if it’s at home. And then once a month get out of the house and do something special, just the two of you (okay, take the kids if you must, but make it something special). One weekend a month do something special as a family. Grab those fun moments and don’t let them go! Make memories. Don’t just live day by day, in your own routine. Add some excitement! That’s what keeps a marriage–and a family–fresh.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Do you know what works for us? This might seem the wrong-way-around for most ladies, but I give HIM a massage in the evenings. His love language is touch and mine is talking. While he gets his massage we have some of our best un-interrupted conversations. It’s special couple time, and a win-win. We keep some apricot kernel oil by the side of the bed, which I highly recommend as a massage oil.
Karen,
I am soo glad you said that! I too give my husband a massage! He is a contractor and being able to help him relax is such a blessing to us both!
Love that another woman does this too!
Megan
I’m with you ladies! My maintenance man hubby needs a good muscle rub almost nightly. We don’t usually get much chat time during (jealous of you, Karen!) because he likes to just relax and not talk, but I use the time to pray for him.
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I do the same thing. My hubby has had back trouble since a teenager and he’s a trucker, sitting for long long hours, so he actually needs the rub down. His love language is touch also, for me that’s almost the anti-love language.
Yup, even with 7 little ones we get out once a week. We decided early on it had to be a priority and we made it part of the budget to make sure it would happen.
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Love these tips! I really like the phrase, “you can never drift together, you can only ever drift apart.” It’s such an important thing to remember for almost all relationships, but especially marriage! My husband and I are definitely trying to be intentional in spending quality time together early on in our marriage. If we make it a priority now, it’ll be a habit and we’ll be more likely to make it a priority later on in marriage (once kids come along).
My husband and I are definitely making this a priority this year. In fact, we are going on a date this weekend to a Third Day concert! I can’t wait 🙂 Thanks Sheila for sharing your heart today!
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I’ve found that sites like Groupon and Living Social are great for finding cheap (or at least cheaper) date ideas. If you have a little wiggle room in your budget one month, you might be able to plan ahead and score a great deal for when money is a little tighter down the road, and I’ve found that it’s extra important to have something fun to look forward to when money is tight and luxuries have to go.
Groupon is awesome! My hubby has found quite a few wonderful Groupons for dates for us.
I’m with ya on the unplugged “us” time. We have certain boundaries with our phones and computers. No phones at the table is one of them. We’ll be that freak family when our kids are teenagers who pass a basket around before dinner and make everyone put their phones in it. 🙂
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I just quit my job for this reason. It was only part time, and I was only gone for about 2 hours a day, but it was right on meal planning time, and it stopped me catching up on stuff around the house and farm. Now my hubby is happier, I can spend the time getting his breakfast and lunch ready to go with out leaving him to finish it up because I have to go and milk some cows. I will miss the $350 it was bringing in each week, but I love being at home and now I am not too tired to give him a massage. Our rewards are so more than just financial. Making time for marriage is the most important thing we can do.
We also need to find what works for us. I used to ged so upset listening to focus on the family when they would talk about date nights, and other romantic things. Because my husband is not that type. But when I started putting him first and seeing the romance in taking a walk to check the cattle, or get down on our kneees in wet grass to look for bugs, or being on the tractor in freezing wet weather to feed the cows, things got better. I always seem to come back to pollyanna playing the glad game, there is always something to be glad about, somethings are easier to see than others but there is blessing in counting our blessings and being thankful.
We have our special inside date once a month – Naked Movie Night (lol – fun times). We get a movie, order pizza, and put the littles to bed early. Since we can’t afford a babysitter all time (several little ones, including one SN child), we came up with this solution. We love it!
I do agree that being intential about connecting with your spouse is vital. Yet financial concerns shouldn’t be blown off as if there is always something some one can do. My husband and I are on a very tight budget. Partially by choice and partially because I am not able to work during this pregnancy. #5 (We have 4 children expecting #5 in about 6 weeks. The oldest just turned 5 years old in January). We enjoy our big family. Yet baby sitters are used right now mostly to cover doc appointments and such. Getting out of the house isn’t always an option because we don’t have the extra.gas money in the budget usually. All that being said somethings we try to do to make sure we connect as a couple.
1. Go to bed together. We don’t always make it but I would say 95% of the time we do and it is a big deal for us.
2. I try and get up and have breakfast with him before he leaves for work ( I am often too exhausted lately for this but it is nice when I can)
3. Turn off the TV at night. I have been a big TV watcher since before we got married. But I have learner that after the kids are in bed I turn off the TV and focus on talking and hanging out with my hubby. A cup of tea or hot cocoa and sometimes a snack make it really cozy. I can often get at least 2 hours with my husband that way.
4. Have the little kids on a fixed, regular schedule. This is so important. Getting them to bed on time means I can see my hubby. And on the weekend sticking to a regular nap schedule means I can often get some focused time during the nap time on the weekend as well.
5. We take occasional date nights, but usually the money for this is rare. But for special occasions, birthdays and such we really try.
I don’t expect things will always be so tight for us financially. But God has.called us.to be a big family. And that means being creative and intentional about each aspect of our home. It can be hard because I am naturally a lazy person. I think mayne that is why God has.given me so much to do. 🙂 Since I started turning off the Tv more it has helped me to connect with my hubby a great deal. I mean who wouldn’t want two hours a day with your husband?
I like your tips. And I do enjoy reading your blog.