Do you worry that your husband won’t bond with the baby? Does your husband seem to ignore the kids?
It’s a common complaint. So how do we help dad bond with baby?
Here’s the scenario: He works outside the home all day. You’re home with the kids (including, let’s say, a baby or two). When he gets home, he thinks that his job is now done. He lies on the couch and watches TV, or gets on the computer, and feels like it’s your job to put the babies in bed, make dinner, and care for the children.
That’s the scenario I presented in the Reader Question of the Week on Saturday, and I asked for suggestions o how to help dad bond with baby. Quite a few people took a stab at it (interesting discussion; you can follow it here).
I’m a little concerned, though, that some people’s attitude was this:
He works hard all day. He really is exhausted. You’ve split the labor and decided you’ll do the childcare; now live with it.
I understand that sometimes we have to say he gets a pass in regards to housework. Sure, we’d like him to help out more around the house, but if he won’t, the best thing to do is to get more organized and figure out ways to make the housework easier on you, even if he never pitches in. In fact, I wrote a whole book about that (To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother).
I know you can’t change your husband, and I do think that sometimes you have to let things go.
However, I’m very uneasy with people’s rush to that conclusion in this case, for one simple reason:
A baby is not housework. A baby is a person who needs two parents.
It is not right for the mother to do all of the childcare and for the father to have very little interaction with the kids, because this is not good for the father or for the children. This is not just a matter of her workload, although that is definitely a consideration. More than anything, I believe, this is about the health of the family.
A child is not a task to be checked off a list during the day; a child is someone who needs a relationship with his or her parents–both of them.
I get women emailing me, saying: “My husband thinks if he’s takes the kids he’s “baby-sitting”, like he’s doing me a favor. He forgets they’re his kids, too!” That is not a good dynamic in the family, and if that is your dynamic, I encourage you to do something to change it.
So with that in mind, I thought I would tackle the topic of how to help dad bond with baby–or bond with your older toddlers and develop his own relationship with them. I don’t have 5 ways to “make” him (you can’t change anyone else!), but I do have 5 ways to change the dynamic so that he is more likely to bond with them and be involved:
1. Seek and Honor His Opinion About Raising the Babies
When a baby is born we women become different people. Our focus changes. Our hearts change. Even our hormones change! And because we women have such a strong bond from the very beginning, especially if we are breastfeeding, it’s easy to give the impression “I know what I’m doing and you don’t, so let me show you the right way to do everything.”
When my oldest daughter was born I hugged her close, and held her gently, and sang to her. My husband picked up this newborn baby and started bouncing her vigorously. My heart rate went up. I wanted to grab my baby from him and tell him he was hurting her.
There was only one problem: my husband is a pediatrician. He knew more about baby wellness than I did. And so I bit my tongue. And sure enough, the first time Becca ever smiled or giggled was when Keith was bouncing her. He knew what he was doing.
Had he not been a pediatrician, I likely would have told him to stop.
We need to resist the temptation to say, “I have the right to call the shots with how we raise the babies.” Don’t squeeze your husband out. If you want them sleeping in your bed but he doesn’t, listen to him. If he wants to implement an earlier bedtime so you can have some couple time, listen to him. If he wants to get the kids on a schedule (or if he doesn’t want the kids on as much of a schedule), discuss it. Do you want him involved with the kids or don’t you?
If your babies are no longer babies, but are toddlers or even older, this still applies. Talk to him about what he wants your family life to be like. If he’s withdrawing, say to him, “what do you envision for our family? How would you like to organize the kids and the parenting?” Have that conversation! Honor him, and you’ll find his relationship with the kids is much better.
I’ve got some free printables on developing a vision for your family that you can work through with him.
2. Allow Him Room in the Baby Days
Many men have trouble bonding with the baby because there’s very little for them to do. The mom feeds them; all the dad can do is rock them or change a diaper. Thus, many men find babies intimidating. If that’s the case, give him grace. In many families the husband really steps up to the plate around the time baby #2 arrives, and baby #1 is now a toddler and can actually talk and do things. Don’t start berating him for being a bad dad in the baby’s early days; involve him, but understand that the early days often are mom’s time.
3. Ask Him to Do Specific Tasks with the Babies
Now it’s time to understand some basic differences between men and women:
Women’s basic motivator is relationship. Men’s basic motivator is competence and accomplishment.
It’s like the Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti thing: for women, everything has to do with everything else. If we have kids, and we’re working, or we’re at church, we’re still thinking about those kids and how all of this relates to those kids. A guy, on the other hand, is going to tend to ask, “what am I supposed to do next?” He wants to focus on one thing.
That doesn’t mean that women can’t operate on tasks; many of us want to get more organized, and making lists can help (here’s a great resource for that). But on the whole, most of us think in terms of “looking after the kids”, not in terms of “getting a whole bunch of things done”.
So for us, if a friend says, “can you take the baby for me for a few hours while I run to a doctor’s appointment?”, we know what that involves. To a guy, on the other hand, if you say, “can you take the baby for me for a few hours”, he doesn’t really know what that means. I don’t mean that guys are idiots, either; I just mean that’s not how they operate. They operate in terms of tasks; if there is no task before him, then it’s okay if he sits on a couch or gets on the computer. And “a baby” is not a task. We incorporate the baby into our lives, while we’re cleaning or cooking or running errands. But he doesn’t in the same way. He’s not wrong; he’s just wired differently.
And so I think many of us approach our husbands in the wrong way when we need help. We expect him to know what “take the baby” means, and to be able to do it well, maybe while still getting some housework done. He has trouble visualizing what it means.
If you were to say, on the hand, “would you mind reading Amy three board books while I make dinner?”, he can do that. If you were to say, “Would you mind taking Johnny to the hardware store with you on your errands so that I can get some vacuuming done,” he can do that. If you were to say, “Would you mind giving Becky her bath while I clean up the kitchen,” he can do that. Those are tasks.
In fact, it will be easier for your husband to jump in if your day is not just “carrying baby around while I try to get everything done”, but is instead divided into tasks. We read to the baby from 4-4:30. We have a bath at 7:00 and read at 7:15 and bed at 7:30. We have snack at 10:30. Etc. Etc.
If you want him to “take the baby” at other times, make it easier for him to do. Get a baby carrier so he can walk around with the baby. Stick to a schedule so he knows what to expect. Have lots of things on hand to do with the baby or the toddler.
It may also be a good idea to give him one specific task that he owns. Perhaps he always gives the kids their bath every night. That way he has some special time with them and they can bond. Be aware that if you start this the baby may resist. Babies often play favorites, and mommy is often the favorite. Push past it. Do it with your husband for a time, and slowly ease out. Give the baby the time to adjust. But don’t give in, saying, “oh, well, I don’t think this will work.” After a week or so babies often change their preferences anyway.
Having him “own” an activity, rather than expecting him to just “help with the baby”, is often easier for him to get his head around.
4. Stress Family Activities
If your husband is unwilling to do even that, don’t give up. Remember: your kids need their dad. Often dads get closer to kids the older the kids grow, but you can start being part of the solution rather than the problem when they’re young. How about just planning more family activities? Instead of getting on your computers at night, start taking walks as a family after dinner. Get a gym membership and go swimming together. Go camping as a family in the summer. Encourage activities where you are all together. Time with dad will happen then, and the more relaxed down time he has with the kids, the better his relationship with them will be.
5. Keep Your Husband as Your Main Relationship Priority
Finally, let’s not forget that one of the best ways you can help your husband bond with the kids is to make sure you are also bonding with your husband. When babies first come, men often get jealous. Mom bonds with baby and forgets about dad. We may think that’s immature–the baby needs us now! Stop focusing on yourself! But actually I think he has the proper perspective.
What children need, more than anything, is for their parents to have a stable, close relationship.
When the marriage is strong, the children will thrive. When the marriage is at risk, children sense it. So never, ever sacrifice your relationship with your husband for the sake of the kids. There are seasons where the kids must come first (I have two readers right now who are in hospital in another state with their children undergoing medical treatment. They’re separated from their husbands for months on end. Please pray for them). But these seasons are rare. On the whole, your marriage comes before the kids.
If you institute a strict bedtime with kids so you have time with your hubby, and keep your sex life active, your hubby will feel more a part of the family. If you don’t, he may retreat. Is that right? No. He should fight through it anyway. But it is human nature. He will tend to go to places where he is appreciated and affirmed.
It’s really quite simple: if you want your husband to spend more time with the kids, make sure that you are also spending more time with him. Prioritize sex. Prioritize getting the kids on a schedule so you do have some alone time. Consider his feelings. And you may find that he becomes a more active dad!
Let me know your thoughts: how have you encouraged a relationship between your husband and your young kids? Is there a particular area your husband has taken over? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I was working when we had our first child while my husband went to school. He took care of our son while I was gone and it was the best thing that could have happened. This required my husband to learn how to do things without me. And he was amazing! (and still is). He can get babies to calm down when I can’t. And if i left a chore list, he would complete everything on the list. While our roles are reversed now, and we have 3 1/4 children, he is still excellent.
Love this article and love the photo of the dad in the swimming class.
I feel very blessed – even though my exhusband went out of his way to avoid spending any time with our daughter, even when I was sick and in hospital and he was unemployed (while I was working and studying), my second husband loves spending time with my daughter.
Thanks for this Sheila! It’s a really good overview. I’m not a mom yet, but am excited to be, and it’s really good stuff to be thinking on.
I agree! This post was very timely for me. My husband has fears about me putting our kids first if we are blessed with them. I get very attached to kids even if they are not my own; which is a good thing as long as I put my husband first. Your five points were so helpful to preemptively think through!
The asking — that’s a huge one. If you read and study about male/female instincts, you learn that women simply pitch in to help when they see a need. Men don’t want to overstep a boundary or offend, and so they wait to be asked. Sure, we can assist them in learning to just jump right in, but naturally, they don’t (not all men fit this mold, of course).
I spent our children’s early years wondering why I got little to no help from my husband, and wanted him to just KNOW to do things. Now, I understand that he had no idea I could have used the help — and it makes all the difference when I ask. It definitely does. How, when and why I ask matters, too. Same as it would in the reverse situation.
The relationship priority is the downfall of many families. Kids first — the mantra of the late 20th and early 21st centuries … wrecks families. It almost eliminated my family, and making the necessary changes not only didn’t hurt, it felt GOOD. It makes everything smoother to focus my children on the leadership of their dad (not using him as the heavy, but as the final say), and to depend on him instead of shouldering everything alone. What a life it is when you don’t live every minute for children.
Great advice! I really cringe when I hear a new mother “bossing” her husband around or diminishing his involvement with the baby — talk about tearing down her house with her own hands…
Sheila,
As a pastor I think this is some of the greatest advice to give to any new parents. This may be one of the best post you have written, especially point number one. It all builds from there. It will be going in my suggested … possibly required … reading for my pre-marital counseling sessions. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Michael! And if I can put in a good word for “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”, that’s awesome for pre-marital counseling, too! 🙂 It’s my prayer that more pastors will recommend it to their newly married/engaged couples, because if couples can get this right right off the bat, marriages will be so much stronger!
I completely agree. It is on my reading least so I know what I am recommending. Thank you for the great blog!
Great advise.
My husband loved the baby carrier more than I did. He used it on the nights I went knitting to strap the baby on while being on the PC playing games. We’re expecting baby #3 any day now (Yes, please pray I go into labor ASAP, since I’m going crazy and making every one around me miserable) and he already mentioned how he is actually looking forward to doing this again.
One of the things he enjoys now that the girls (6 & 4) are bigger is reading stories to them. This is not something we really do together as a family, since I read to them in Dutch to boast their vocabulary. So every Shabbat afternoon is story time with Abba.
From very early on my dh was in charge of bedtime. I suggested it,( maybe even demaned at first) stating that I had been with them all day and taken care of their every need up to that point. It became their routine – brusing teeth, bedtime prayers, time for him to tell him his life stories and listen to them. My husband developed a secret handshake with each of the kids that they did at bedtime each night. In fact, my daughter used this secret handshake as my husband gave her away at her wedding! When my college boy is home from school they still share the handshake when either one of them heads off to bed. My husband also spent time with the kids skiing and backpacking and hunting.
That’s really beautiful! And that’s exactly what I’m talking about. It can build such precious memories when he handles one part of parenting exclusively. It’s a special bond then, and you’ve shown exactly why!
One thing I’ve learned that goes along with this is that I have to allow him to do whatever he wants to do with the kids. I can’t criticize him for playing video games with our kids or playing the music too loud. He might do things differently than I would, but at least he’s interacting with them.
Yes, yes, yes!!! You hit a home run here Sheila!! We have been married 14 years and have 6 kids so obviously this has been a major thing to figure out in our home. Thankfully, my husband has given me much grace as I have failed, and I have tried to do the same for him. Our hearts want to be right and that is the major thing. I will be sharing this post!
Really liked this one too, Sheila (actually I like them all! But this one was especially well articulated).
One of my frustrations years ago when I was a younger mum and working with other young mums was the “mummy tantrum” that many mums would have towards their husbands not helping out the second they walked in the door. These mums wanted to down tools the instant their husbands came home so they could sit around and criticise the way he did things with the children.
My wise mother always suggested having a buffer between hubby coming home and asking him to help (specifically, like you said, with a particular task), to allow him some mental space between work and home.
Once hubby has had time to switch over into ‘daddy’ mode, he is more likely to engage with the children. Now they are teens it is still the case. Sometimes he walks in and they rush to him with requests and questions to answer! He needs time, though, before he can fully turn his attention to them.
Being organised with afternoon/evening routine helped enormously with juggling tired cranky children, and tired hubby. I did always try to have dinner ready for the same time each night. I did always do bathing an hour before dinner, with playtime in bedrooms after bath so I could finish dinner.If daddy came home in time to help with bath, or to play with the children – great. If not, they were still happily occupied in a normal activity which required less one-on-one interaction from me while I finished up dinner. After dinner was usually ‘daddy time’ with teeth brushing and stories and bed while I cleaned up. And consistent bedtimes for children too (so important), so that we could have some down time together in the evening. Routines were invaluable to keep things going when they were small, for so many reasons!
Now they are older, evenings look completely different – but that’s another story for a different post 😉
siminoz
Yes! This is how I feel too. We have a 10 month old and since he was born I began to figure out each of these points. I’m not perfect at it, especially in letting my hubby do “his way” instead of “my way” at times, but it does make a difference. Typically, when my hubby gets home from work, he’ll take our son and hold him and play with him. He’ll help with (or do) bath time and getting our son ready for bed. On weekends he gets up with him and takes care of the morning feeding, diaper change, and play time so I can get some more sleep. He is a great father and is really good with our son. I’m very blessed. 🙂
My husband has always been very involved with the care of our three kids, and I really do appreciate how much he does. His father was not very involved in the care of him and his brother growing up so it’s pretty awesome that even though he had no idea what he was doing, he has really made an effort to learn. But when I was pregnant with my first baby, an older woman gave me a piece of advice that has always stuck with me and I think it has had enormous influence on why he is so involved: Whatever your husband wants to do with the baby (childcare-wise), let him do it and don’t comment. The more you comment or offer suggestions on how to do it “better”, the less he will want to be involved because he will feel inadequate and the more he will back away from involvement with those tasks. I can get all worked up because he isn’t doing something the “right” way, but really, for the majority of childcare tasks, what’s the worst case scenario if he doesn’t do it right? If he doesn’t put the diaper on right, well, then he’ll have to change the baby’s wet/dirty clothes. If he doesn’t feel the baby on time, well, then he’ll have a fussy baby. If the baby doesn’t go down for a nap on time, oh well, I can take a few extra minutes to put the child down or we’ll just deal with an irritable child for one day. Although I certainly would choose to have the diaper on correctly or a nap schedule followed or that the kids don’t eat cookies for snacks, is it really going to hurt them? Do I really have to make a comment and criticize it? Things like that just aren’t worth fighting about. Plus, I’ve found that leaving him alone has allowed him to form his own parenting style and unique relationship with the boys. They know he will take care of them, but his style is different than mine and the kids love both. We talk about our kids and parenting quite a bit to make sure we’re on the same page about the important things, but for the most part, we just let each other be ourselves.
I can also attest to the fact that babies are hard for men sometimes. Some men love newborns, but others just feel awkward. My husband has just never known what to do with a baby although he would always change diapers, rock them, let them fall asleep on his chest, etc. But when we had our second baby, childcare duties naturally separated into me always caring for the baby and him always caring for the older child. For a while, I worried that the new child and my husband wouldn’t bond, but it was a temporary thing. The same thing happened with our third, but that time I wasn’t so worried about it. I knew that eventually, they would spend more and more time together. Having that experience helped me to not nag him about holding the baby or criticize how he spent more time with the older kids. It all worked out for us.
Great post! I think everything you mentioned is such a good reminder. My husband & I only have one daughter (9 months old 🙂 ) and I have to say, at first, he had NO idea what to do with her. She’d be crying and he’d be almost paralyzed by it… like, what do I do, why won’t she stop, I’ve tried everything! I learned that I actually had to teach him what to do with her because he doesn’t have those mommy instincts. I don’t mean teaching him how to do a diaper, bathe her, etc., but stuff like “this cry means she’s hungry.” “This cry means she’s lonely.”
And my husband still had a huge advantage over some new dads, namely that he got to bond with our daughter before anyone else did, thanks to a drug-induced alien abduction that I got to experience immediately post-delivery. 🙂 Even with that unique bonding time that I missed out on 🙁 we went through a really rough patch where he didn’t know what to do with her and felt like she spent her entire existence screaming at him for being a lousy dad. Of course, in reality, she was just hungry/tired/lonely/bored/whatever. It’s really tough being a dad. But now I think that he’s her favorite person ever! I am just so proud that HE is my daughter’s daddy and my husband!
“drug-induced alien abduction”–oh, that sounds awful but funny at the same time!
I’m so glad you have such a wonderful man!
Haha, yeah, it was bad — I don’t know what they gave me, but that big light they have in delivery rooms somehow got worked into my mind and I felt like I was being abducted by aliens. Bad! But at least my husband got to bond with our daughter! 🙂
Asking was the number one thing that I have learned. With my first I never asked- I just assumed he would step in and help out when he was able. Well, he didn’t. He didn’t help with ANYTHING. (and my first was a VERY difficult child!) It was very frustrating to me and I got very angry and resentful inside toward him. I realized when my second that if I asked he would help. Duh. We now have four and he is pretty helpful with the older kids (2+) and will hold the baby if I ask. All I had to do was ask! I wish I would have known that the first time around. It would have saved me so much anger and stress!
I’ve had to learn to not hover and nag and let my husband do things with our kids (ages 3 and 10 months). So what if it doesn’t get done perfectly? It got done and I didn’t have to do it! I’m very grateful he is so involved. As I type he is sitting on the floor with our kiddos playing trains. It’s chaos. And I love it.
Great advice! No, REALLY great advice. I wish I’d figured this out way before this year. One day after having enough of my hubby not helping out much and enjoying his downtime while I was irritated and wondering when I’d ever be able to get some free time and building up resentment, I confronted him on it. I didn’t blow up at him (surprisingly) but kept very calm and level headed. I had an aha moment when he basically said he thought that was (without sounding old fashioned and macho) my job. That’s what moms do – take care of the kids. I’m good at it. I just know what to do. (Still kept calm believe it it not) I told him, no it’s not. I needed help and it’s important that we do it together. He honestly had this old fashioned mentality because that’s what he grew up with. Ever since, he’s really stepped up and helps out way more. And I ask a lot more too. I always hated having to “ask” but he’s not a mind reader. I think in the beginning because it was way easier for me to just do it, it enabled him to take me for granted a little bit. And I take some responsibility for that.
Excellent post! Much like “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex,” I wish I had learned this earlier in my marriage (and like the book, I’ll be passing this on to other young wives as well).
When my Little was born, we both had jobs. My husband took her to daycare, picked her up from daycare, and watched her while I worked weekend and some nights. It was His responsibility to give her a bath also. I believe that really helped him build a strong relationship with her. And now that I am a Stay at home mom, she doesn’t get all that daddy alone time, but she tells him Dad can we have a day together with no mommy; or she will tell me and Ill tell him. I definitely will reccomend this post to any new parents that I know!!!!!!
Lots of great advice here! One things I’d like to note {if it hasn’t already been mentioned in the comments} is to be sure to give your hubby am opportunity to “transition” from work to home. My husband, for example, HAS to shower right when he gets home. If I know that I need him to “take over” so that I can do something else {even just take a break}, I try to show him the courtesy of waiting until after his shower. I also give him a heads up if its been a rough day and I am in need of an extra set of hands when he gets home… This way, it isn’t me pushing our son at him and running away to lock myself in a bathroom or something.
All moms-to-be should read this… In fact, I’m sending it to a first time preggo friend right now!
Thanks for the comment about your husband bouncing your kid up and down, and the pic at the top with the upside-down kid. Someone we barely know recently scolded us for my husband doing that with our kid, when it’s something she absolutely loves and thinks is hilarious. He’s always careful but some people seem to think small children are made out of glass. Anyway, what you wrote made me feel better, so thanks.
Thanks for the advise. Please write one on how to put your husband first before the kids if you don’t mind. Kindly give us specific examples like in the article above. Thank you Sheila.
Oh, good Lord. This is basically saying do anything you can to keep your husband happy, no matter how much of a lost cause he is. That’s a joke. So if my husband is getting frustrated over absolutely nothing (as several family members of his pointed it out to him) I am supposed to go along with it, keep things working and wait until he becomes a responsible and thoughtful parent. I think NOT. I would rather be a single parent than sacrifice my time and relationship with my child for a person who clearly has no interest in being a parent and is only interested in his career and friends.
Oh thank goodness. So happy to see this response.
I just don’t know how you women do it! My DH drives in insane! He’s so lazy and doesn’t do anything with the kids and if he does, he looks miserable while doing so. I can’t just “let him do it his way” because his way is not right and embarrassing. I often tell him I fear for the kids if I die, because he would be at a loss. Vacuum? What’s that? Sautéed? What’s that? I can’t make a quessadilla. Jelly? Non existstent.
My kids are 12 and 10 and I continue to struggle with bitterness with my husband. It seems the he wife/mother’s job is open-ended, never-ending, while the man hangs up his hat after 8 hours. The lack of engaged men in the lives of their children and wives seems to be a source of problem with youth. Men should look to support from their ed in friends, not solely their wives, as a source of encouragement and creativity in getting more involved with their families. Lack of church attendance may hinder men from such support…maybe churches should have groups to equip men. Some men, regardless of the amount of time or affection they receive from their wives still are not ready to sacrifice their time or pleasure to get more involved in parenting and raising the kids. Stepping up to the plate as their given role of leader, men should initiate ways to connect with their families. Do not leave that at your wife’s feet too. When momma is happy, everybody is happy 🙂
This is a great post and so true! My husband is very helpful with housework and with out baby, and will do stuff when I ask him too
My biggest frustration though comes when we’re out at social occasions—he seems to forget that the baby still needs to be taken care of (fed, changed, etc) I do it all and when I ask for his help, for ex to change a diaper, he will ask his mom to do it and she will. His mom really doesn’t mind changing diapers and being involved but it annoys me that when I ask him to help me do something he keeps getting his mom to do (if his mom is not around, he’ll do what I ask).—-I’m not sure whether I’m being unreasonable in this or not, as at the end of the day someone is helping me do something (whether it be him or his mom).
Okay, but what if hubby doesn’t feel bonded to baby? We have an adorable 4 month old daughter- our first. I’m a sahm and I love spending time with her. She has colic at night and definitely prefers mama. But hubby and I got into an argument today- I told him that I feel he is far too much disengaged. He plays video games and cell phone games all the time. Allllll the time when he’s not at work. I asked him if he liked spending time with her- he said “it’s ok.” I started tearing up- “it’s ok?! That’s it?”. He says that he’s not used to not having time to himself when he wants and it’s a hard adjustment. I love spending time with her- she’s so fun and laughs and smiles. She’s my world. I feel so alone because he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with her like I do. I have to ask everything “please change her, how about you give her a bath, how about you read her a story..”. Shouldn’t he want to do something with his daughter? Play with her, sing to her, take her for a walk. Or do some housework. PITCH in. She coos and tries to get his attention and he’ll talk to her and stuff and it breaks my heart that it’s not natural to him to respond…sometimes he does. Sometimes he seems really happy with her and she’ll squeal and sigh. But the colic at night is bad. I admit that. He said that last night was so bad all he could think about was that he didn’t want any more kids. That broke my heart and I’m hoping that was just a “heat of the moment because she’s screaming and overtired” thing. I know it’s bad- it breaks my heart when she screams and it takes awhile to calm her down. But she’s my baby…
I don’t know what to do. i don’t know who to talk to – I know bonding can be difficult for dads but c’mon. He was so involved when she was a newborn- he was such a good dad and constantly took her picture or pictures of the two of them and wanted to hold her and love her. And I know he still is…or can be. But really- video games and cell phone games instead of your kid? :/ why?!? what do I do? I’m feeling so resentful.
-One Frustrated and Exhausted Wife
I’m with you sister!! My hubby also comes home & it’s either video games and/or (yes, both at the same time, errg)cell phone games. My thoughts are … you were just gone all day, don’t you want to see your daughter? Hey, do you think you can take the baby while I make us dinner .. 5 mins later shes upset because Mom’s not in the room & Dad isn’t paying attention to her, so after some more time (because ya know, he might help) I end up grabbing her & her bouncy chair & I’ll play with her while I also make dinner, mean while hubbies in the living room gamer raging!
If you think that’s bad, I also have to clean the kitchen afterwards, while I’m still trying to occupy baby otherwise it just sits there until I get it the next day! He’s never helped with bedtime because “she doesn’t go to sleep for me” – so means stop doing it right? He’s never given her a bath because he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing because she’s a girl – even though I’ve told him time & time again that I’ll show him how, he doesn’t get up with her at night EVER, apparently that’s Mom’s job as well. I even have to ask for him to change her diaper, & even then, I’ll get an eye roll as he’s picking her up & carrying her to her changer like shes covered in poop from head to toe! And there is zero help with any of the other house work! I think what really puts the icing on the cake though is that no matter how I approach the situation, no matter how I word it, he hears “you’re a terrible father” or “you’re not good enough” which makes it 100X more frustrating on myself, because that’s not what I said at all. Than he has the odasity to complain about our non existing sex life … well yeah, I’m frickin exhausted after taking care of the baby, the house, the dogs & you all day, than I’m up in the middle of the night for a few hours again, excuse me if sex is the farthest thing from my mind.
– also a frustrated & COMPLETELY exhausted, about to completely give up, wife!
We adopted my husbands grandson. I never wanted kids but i decided why not.
My husband is lazy! He lays in bed for days on end complaining how he is so tired and so sore yet he hangs at the gym for 3 hiurs at a time!
He does nothing and i mean nothing with our son. His idea of quality time is if we all lay in bed and watch tv while he sleeps! Not a joke
He hasnt lifted a finger in 5 years to help around the house ever… It all falls on me. Even all the yard work. I am all this kid has and at the end of the day i have no energy left to rub my husbands ego by also instigating sex. I have nothing left after chasing around our 6 year old tazmanian devil.
In fact my wonderful husband has been oit if the country for weeks. Finally came back and still wont give me a kid free day. I am staying for this kid and that’s it 🙁
Thank you! My husband & son are sound asleep & I’m awake searching ways to help my husband want to be closer with our 10 month old baby boy … & here I am … & THANK YOU! This helped incredibly 🙂 I’ve been “ON” being a mom for 10 months & have wondered often why my husband isn’t the man I expected he’d be with our child but now it all makes sense … I’ve been so “ON” being a mom that I’ve forgotten to be a wifew most days & when I do allow him to be a dad, I’m a hovering mom 😉 … There are things I need to change to really allow him to be the man I know he can be & wants to be ♡ Thank you!
Is a great article, but doesn’t really resonate with me. I work a full time high stress job and husband doesnt want to be involved although he thinks that it’s a woman’s job to handle everything at home. I’m a burnt out mother with no familial support.
I’m at a crossroads now also . We already have multiple issues and he doesn’t get involved with our 17 month old son and even gets irritated with him often when my son cries etc . I tell him you need to get involved , hands on with the baby also. He gets angry and it always ends up in a fight . I’m growing more and more resentful of him and seems it’s nothin but negative attention towards out son from him . I don’t know if I can take this for much longer . My son doesn’t deserve this from his father . If I’d known that it would be like this then I would’ve thought twice before having had another child . I have a 14 year old girl by a previous marriage and he’s not really a good father to her either so I’m highly disappointed and feel deceived. I love him but am very stressed out mentally emotionally and physically.
Yes I agree. Most houses these days have two working parents. In addition to the women bringing in half the household income they also have to arrange and carry everything AND carry all the mental load for the whole entire family and clean everything? I think not.
I find it particularly odd to say terms like “can you take the baby for me?”. For ME? Like his doing you a favour? Isn’t raising a child 50/50?
Yep. 100% agree.
Great post thanks for sharing
Lindy,
I read your post and my heart goes out to you, dealing with intense colic on top of everything. My second child, who is now 13 mos, has finally grown out of the colic problem but it used to be awful. Here’s how we survived breastfeeding: my mother told me to track my food intake and notice my son’s response to certain gassy vegetables. Broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, onions & garlic, and even a tablespoon of decaf coffee would all send my baby into days of terrible gas & crying. DAYS. I love to cook and it seemed like we could not have any flavor in our meals forever, but it mostly lasted 8 months of avoiding his gastric distress triggers and then treating baby’s colic with Hylands (bless them, they saved my sanity and sleep) homeopathic colic tablets. Sorry to name a brand here, of course try any brand you want, those just were a miracle for us. It’s so much easier to enjoy new baby and marriage when the LO is not in pain from gas. You can introduce gassy foods again after a few weeks to see if they still trigger colic. My pediatrician and the hospital said not to alter my diet for nursing, but if I hadn’t we would have had a purely miserable first year. You can do this! Follow your gut, no pun intended, and good luck!
What if in my situation we have a 6 month old baby girl. My fiance has health issues and needs serious surgery for something called superior inertia ear canal dehysinths which will involve neuro surgery. We got his diagnosis the same week we found out we were pregnant, our wedding had been delayed because I was studying at the time and both of our father’s lived over seas. We’ve been through him being in denial and avoiding dealing with his issuse but then he’d randomly jump down my throat and everything was my fault and all these horrible things would come out of his mouth, it’s like a full personality change because he can’t always cope. I try to do everything myself but after an awful emergency c section, then home to too many visitors and issues bonding with my baby because I felt a bit detached and scared. I was grieving the loss of my dream birth but grateful for her arrival. My hubby was amazing for the 5 days I was in hospital but when we got home he stared back at work early, I fell down stairs whole holdING our baby so dropped her too (she was fine). Then he’s back working 12 hour days 6 days per week. He’s tired and grumpy and I feel I can’t ask him to get off his computer games or to help because he says his head issues are bad and he doesn’t like talking. Theno I had issues with him wanting to go out after work drinking and leaving me home with bubs. I felt like we were and are going through a tough situation while we are on a waiting list for his op but I feel like a solo mum who’s living walking on egg shells. It got so bad that if she wakes crying he started yelling at me, or I dared wake him to ask for a drink because I was feeding and he threatened to punch me in my face and he told me to move out. Then he acts like nothing is wrong and that I just have to accept his illness and that he can’t help. I chop firewood, I care for the dogs, I try to clean, I care for our baby, I do the late nights. He’s sleeping in our lounge so he gets more sleep. I feel sorry he’s ill but I find I get resentful if he wants to go out with friends and drink and have fun when I feel he’s not coping at home. If it was me in his position I’d get off my gaming computer at night to spend time with my family. I’d gritt and bare the feeling awful but I’d at least try to be kind and supportive even emotionally. I know this isn’t the man I love but I really want to make it work even before his operation. His daughter misses out and I feel like a solo mum minus bills to pay. He gets really insecure and will empty his bank account if there’s and argument (although I try to not go there) because he’s worried I’ll leave him. I dont want to run away but I can’t baby him and be a mum, I feel let down also because he was a port addict even though I made efforts on that front, and he tried to go to a stag party with naked women 3 months after I’d given birth. I’m struggling so much with trying to not resent him and when he’s mean I try to be extra loving towards him. But where’s the love and support for me as a new mum who’s running on empty. Oh and 4 weeks ago I lost my last grandparent and 4 days later a friend who was like a little sister got killed by her ex in a car crash. I haven’t been able to grieve or pause or anything. His mum causes drama, my mum is lovely but she’s grieving so I don’t want to burdock her too much and our dad’s are useless examples who both live in Asian countries with other women. How do you stay afloat juggling what life throws at you? How do I make him the priority when all our daughter gets or has is me? How do I not resent his lack of help and his mood swings because it’s not hI’m it’s the stress of his illness. Life hopefully can only get easier from here. I’m trying to to get post natal depression because I’ve already had PTSD from a past situation so it can get triggered. I wakeep up every morning look at my daughter and feel blessed, I put on a smile for her, I do my best. But feck it can be hard!!!
Honestly, men can “transition” from work to home ON THEIR DRIVE HOME. They get peace and quiet in the car and can listen to music; traffic is a bonus because then they get even more alone time. Moms get ZERO breaks or “transition time” so dad can rest when mom gets to rest – after bedtime.
Agreed.
I wish it were that easy. My fiance and i have a 2 month old and he works while i take care of the baby. When he gets home, he mostly plays video games. He holds the baby probably 2 times a week, if that, for 5 minutes. Occasionally he talks to him. He has only changed one diaper and he has never fed him. He won’t give him a bath. He has never even changed the baby’s clothes. The baby is always with me. I have to hurry even taking showers because the baby will not be consoled with him. When he needs to go out to the store or anything, he goes by himself. He doesn’t want to go to the store with me but also doesn’t want the baby to be left with him, so i always take baby with me. He won’t go anywhere out as a family because of the baby, although his excuse is that he is so tired. I try to get my fiance to read articles like this but he always has constant excuses and makes me think I’m asking too much. I just want him to act like a daddy. I won’t tell him this but i dont think the baby even recognizes him as a parent anymore.
Please tell me if you think spending the bare minimum with our baby is acceptable?
This is such a good article. I just cannot express how accurate this is and a needed read for me at this moment. Thank you!