I created this graphic for my Facebook Page this week (thanks for all who shared it!):
Sometimes we think marriage is all about us feeling happy, and we let our feelings dictate our commitment to the marriage.
A few other posts that help with this:
Elizabeth from Warrior Wives (a frequent Wifey Wednesday contributor and commenter!) wrote a great article called My Heart is Telling Me To Do It. Excellent!
Don’t Follow Your Heart. A column I wrote a while back on why do we think our feelings should guide us, anyway?
How Does a Marriage Change? How do we get over our problems and actually see change?
Made For Each Other–My column about how my husband and I BECAME made for each other the longer we had been married.
Hope for Those in Hurting Marriages. If you need some encouragement today.
My Husband Can’t Make Me Happy. Let’s take responsibility!
And there was a heart-wrenching thread on Facebook last night you may want to check out (and contribute to). I posted a Reader Question: We’ve been trying to get pregnant (to no avail), and now sex is stressful. What do we do? Interesting responses. Add your own!
Help spread the word about creating great marriages by pinning this post! Thanks!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I like the graphic.
I found myself quite upset and unhappy at a lot of the commenters on that facebook thread last night. We dealt with infertility for 3 years (not all that long in the scope of things). We actively prevented the first year of our marriage, then actively tried. That got emotionally exhausting, so we put away all charts and I turned all my books on conceiving or baby rearing backwards on the shelf. Finally, we were in a place to see a Doc, who prescribed clomid (the first stop on all fertility treatments, it seems). First month on it, we got pregnant. It makes me angry to see folks saying ‘just stop trying and you’ll get pregnant!” because it is a lie. Yeah, it might happen, it has happened for some, but such a blanket statement is never true because its not going to be true for everyone.
Add to it, here we are again, trying to get pregnant again, and its not happening. And we are on the 5th round of clomid this time. But this is as far as we will go. To go beyond clomid is getting into A LOT of money that we feel is better spent in adopting.
Keeping your relationship going through infertility is hard. Advice here is needed for sure. And I’ve got ideas and I know what has worked for us. But I also realize this is a very emotionally charged issue for me.
Rachael, I think that “stop trying” thing MAY work, but the thing is that it only works if you’ve truly given up! (I know three friends who got pregnant when they were on their way to China to pick up their adopted daughters). And so I don’t think it’s really helpful advice. How can you stop trying when you want a baby?
I think it’s a really emotionally charged issue for lots of people, which is why I’ve shied away from writing directly about it since I haven’t walked through it. We tried five times (like five months) and got pregnant in 4 of them. So infertility was never my issue. Miscarriage and baby death was. Grief, but very different grief.
Still, I think this is something I’d like to address, but I really want to do it with compassion. I don’t think you can just “stop worrying” or “stop trying”, but I think you can try to keep close to your husband even in the disappointment. And I think you can do things to keep your sex life intimate even when it’s so emotionally charged. So that’s what I’d like to address. But there is so much hurt and so much loss, and I would never, ever want to diminish that.
Diminish isn’t the right word at the end. Dismiss? Minimize? Pooh pooh? You get my drift. 🙂
I think you are very right to say the grief is different when you can’t get pregnant vs loosing babies along the way. the difference between never getting the blessing and having that blessing taken from you. When you just can’t get pregnant, sex becomes just something you do, an obligation, and a means to an end. But it cannot become just that, you’ve got be intentional about keeping sex about your relationship to each other, loving each other and give pleasure to each other. If you are intentional about it, it can be done. And, perhaps a month off of charting and “trying” is what is needed. Maybe a visit to the doctor. Its different for each one, I’m sure. Above all, though, is in TRUSTING God’s timing. Why was it that the first round of clomid was all I needed to get pregnant the first time? Why is it not happening after 4 rounds this time? I think it might be about God’s timing. On hindsight, I can see His perfect timing, both in getting hubby and I ready for a baby — character issues! — and concerning my job and ability to stay at home with little guy. This time? I don’t have the foresight to understand, but I’m learning to trust, again, and choosing to rest in His faithfulness and goodness.
I like that your broaching this topic. I know there are others who will also benefit.
Marriage is about holiness, NOT happiness. However Holiness does involve happiness.
I think holiness often BRINGS happiness; like happiness is a by-product of holiness, you know? Or at least, certainly joy is!
My wife and I fell into the trap of looking for happiness before holiness. I put that on my shoulders because I was inconsistent as a spiritual leader and did not live Ephesians 5 as I should have.
Sadly, Jeni left after 6 years of marriage because happiness was elusive and she grew weary.
I still pray for her and for restoration of our marriage as I work on my relationship with God. Nothing is impossible.
I was very upset, in tears, earlier when I posted on your blog. Extremely emotional. I’m sorry for that.
After years of the cycle of violence, it is impossible for me to accept this in my marriage anymore. I believed it for a long time. However, I know it’s true in most cases. And perhaps it’s not about not accepting this in particular, but about placing boundaries so that I won’t get hurt again.
Sheila your posts are fantastic! I really like the image!
I would love to collaborate with you!
http://www.howtosaveyourmarriagetoday.com