Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question was asked on my Facebook Page:
How do I encourage a perpetually negative teenager and keep their negativity from rubbing off on you. I really need some new ideas. I’ve done everything I can think of and the negativity continues to flow. She is 13 and I know this is just the beginning of the rough years. It has gotten to a point where she gets in the car after school and I feel myself tense like “brace for impact!!”
What do you think? Let’s help her in the comments!
Tags: Reader Questions
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My oldest daughter was like that. What helped was to just always be cheerful and warm with her. It’s called “heaping burning coals upon her head.” Responding in a loving manner instead of anger or frustration. Continue to let her see the joy of the Lord in you. This is what changed my daughter. It drew her to me instead of away from me.
Bring a large hot chocolate, apple cider, herbal tea or smoothy in nicer weather for her since you are picking up your daughter. When my daughter was about the same age I would tell her to go make a hot drink and it always helped. Last year when my daughter (17yrs) was helping her sister (11yrs) and experiencing some difficulty I told her to try what I did with her (and it worked). My daughter then shared with me that she remembered those times and she so badly wanted to be angy, but there was something about the hot drink that soothed her. It is probably hard for your daughter to switch over between home and school. The world at school is a negative place where sarcasam rules and insults are considered compliments. Cover that drink with plenty of prayer on the way and hope to hear that you are able to enjoy the time you have on the way home each day.
Great idea!
That’s a fabulous idea, and you’re so right about the negative, I’d even say toxic, environment in schools!
My daughter began traveling the road of negativity at age eleven. It began hitting at bedtime each night, when exhaustion and the stress of dealing with peers and school work had hit their limit. She would detail all the difficult things throughout the day, and how this disappointed her and that person irritated her and how awful the day had really been, as a whole.
It took me a while to catch on to the pattern (I was tired, too), but once I saw the light, I began asking her to tell me about the positives of the day. She didn’t invite the change of direction immediately, but over a few weeks’ time, she began to move to the good things more easily when I asked her about them.
Today, at fourteen, she has entered the “high drama” phase and the same strategy applies: her father and I call her attention less to the over-done physical motions and speech, and speak to her with our full maturity holding the line. Usually, she tones it down right away; sometimes she needs an obvious reminder about stepping away from the edge of the cliff.
The best warning I can offer is to never, ever fall into the pot with a boiling teenager. Joining the negativity, enhancing the emotion or agreeing with the attitude of the child will only encourage the raw behavior, bringing you down to the child’s level (out of control) and losing your status as a positive role model in one fell swoop.
That’s really good advice even when we’re dealing with a negative adult. I’ve never really thought about it, but typically our first reaction is to agree with the emotions of a person who has been wronged in some way. It really does make them feel more justified with being angry and they’re more likely to hold on to the anger because someone else has justified it for them. When someone comes to us with a problem they are having with another person, we should be a good enough friend to keep a logical and loving perspective so they can work through the issue and heal from it. To leave them brewing in their anger and pain would be betraying their trust in us to help them.
Not sure if I said that in a way that makes sense, but I appreciate what you posted, Amy. It actually convicted me because I so much want to agree with my friends when they are hurting because I feel like they need someone on their side to fight the fight with them, but I would be a much better friend if I encourage them to let Christ fight the fight because He has already won.
Thanks so much, Kim. I have taken my own advice in the adult world, too, and one of my dearest friends “chose” me because I don’t let her stew. I know how difficult it is to climb out of the pot by yourself, while feelings and negativity bubble and keep pulling us back into the chaos relentlessly. We’re human … that’s what our hearts do unless we employ self-control.
You definitely made sense here, and you also encouraged me today. THANKS!
I was a former negative teenager and my best advice is to try to figure out why she is doing that, with an open mind on your part. Then figure out what she needs to overcome it.
As a teenager, I had the kind of life that was miserable at school, miserable at home, I hated myself, and I was contemplating atheism because God was so far away. My parents dealt with it by calling me a horrible person repeatedly and telling me to “just ignore” the bullying at school. Don’t ever call your child a horrible person.
I went to therapy as an adult and these are some things that helped me get out of that cycle:
-realizing that God does love me, not the way my parents did
-forgiving people using the Joseph model, as in, “you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good”
-managing the rougher parts of my INTJ myers briggs type, a difficult thing to be born with for sure
-letting go of cynicism by seeing the world through God’s eyes.
-learning about how our weaknesses can become our strengths and vice versa
I know that is no easy fix but then nothing ever is. Maybe she will always be a bit of a glass half empty person but there is room for those in God’s kingdom too and when properly managed it’s not always a bad thing.
Or maybe something is going on. When I was in middle school and in my ninth grade high school year I was in HELL. Everyday I did everything I could to just not be noticed. I felt horrible about myself, I had few friends and I did get bullied. I guess I was a target because I was quiet, I have no idea. I did not feel like I could talk to my Mom about it and she did act cheerful, ignoring all the signs that something was wrong, ignoring my cries for help just saying things like “if you are nice to others, they will be nice to you” and other little sayings that seemed ridiculous. I was nice, I did try hard, I just wasn’t a strong enough person to be in that sort of environment. Needless to say, the rest of my high school years included sex, drugs and drinking because people in those crowds were much more accepting and under those circumstances I wasn’t so shy. Which I was allowed to do since thats just typical hight school behavior too, right? So, I am not saying that is what is happening here but also don’t believe that her negative behavior is just typical of all teens and should be tolerated. Find the cause and do what you can to fix it, even if it means pulling her out of school (homeschool/change schools). I now have a 15 year old daughter and she has never been a “negative person”, sure she has her down days but if she is consistently unhappy I dig in and find the cause. Sometimes a kid needs a parent to rescue them from something or from themselves. That is my opinion, I know it is biased because of my past but I don’t ever want any girl to be as miserable as I was. You wrote that you know its just the beginning of the rough years. It doesn’t have to be that way, please don’t have that mentality, make these the best years! Find things she enjoys doing and pursue them outside of school. What does she want to be when she grows up? Maybe get her involved in things that will make her feel like she is getting closer to that already. Maybe she need to get her focus off school drama and on more serious, real life things.
Is she seeking attention and affirmation? Sometimes negativity helps gain attention because, let’s face it, the world loves a good drama. Is she depressed, having trouble at school, have low self esteem? Or is she just pitching an attitude?
Find the root, but in the meantime, stop her during the negativity, make her say 3, 5, 10 however many positive things, but also reassure her that if she is truly having troubles she needs an ear and support for, you are there.
Maybe limit her venting to dates, times or time limit.
Also, teach her scriptures such as to take every thought captive and out if the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Consider upping her Vitamin D levels, too.
Two things that come to my mind: 1) there is an amino acid that helps with mood, L-theanine. When my 15yo daughter seems to be having a short temper or frustration with everyone over everything, I have her take one or two of these capsules. They are from the health food store and support the mood. Usually within 30 minutes of taking this capsule, she is more amenable and feeling less prickly. 2) I have only just heard of this book, For Parents Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn, but I got it from the library to read. I recently read her book, For Women Only and was thrilled with it and now HIGHLY RECOMMEND it to EVERY woman. I will probably give it as a wedding or shower gift from now on. 😉 Knowing how valuable that book has been to me, I have high hopes for this one as well, even though I don’t have many issues with my kids, I’m sure I can learn something from it. 😉
I hope these suggestions can be of help to you. (GABA is another mood support available at the health food store. Another I’ve heard about is SAM-e.)
Not to clog the comment section but here is a handy-dandy translation guide to use with a negative teenager.
If she says “school sucks”, what she means is “the teachers don’t take it seriously, the schoolwork feels meaningless, and I don’t see how this is helping me”
If she says “the other kids suck” what she means is “the other kids are shallow and care mostly about social status, have no morals, and will backstab just to sit next to the popular girl”
If she says “life sucks” what she means is “I don’t know where I’m going or what I want to do, and modern normal people only care about comfort and social status which are both pointless”
If she says “church sucks” what she means is “youth group is full of shallow status seekers and I don’t feel like I connect with the rest of the congregation”
I’m sure there are more but keep in mind that sometimes teenagers can have a hard time expressing themselves so you might need to help her find the words.
I just turned 24 yesterday, but those painful years are still in my mind. My hormones, to this day, bring my atttitude down in a way I don’t have a lot of control over. I wish my mom had sat me down and tried to understand. Being frustrated and “bracing” herself only led to more blow ups.
I have a seven year old that does that sometimes and I usually stop her and say, don’t talk again until you have something nice to say. This isn’t one on one time though, it’s more when the whole family is together. There’s a difference between things that really concern her and just grumbling, we don’t allow grumbling.
Been there!
Don’t take it personally!
Stay consistent and be Jesus to her every day.
Pray scripture over her. (she doesn’t have to know)
When she is not home, circle her room in prayer. Annoint her pillow with oil, and pray more scripture.
Trust God with her. He made her, He knows her, He loves her way more than you ever can. :))
Teens need to know that we believe they will succeed, that we are not judging them and that we accept them unconditionally.
But by the grace of God we can do these things!
As a recent teenager, these all seem like good suggestions, however be careful not to be annoyingly cheerful with an annoyed person.
Proverbs 27:14 If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
I still sometimes fall into the negativity trap after a hard day and positivity=helpful, cheerfulness=annoying.
It sounds like this person is referring to their own child. I would say–first and foremost–speak truth. Truth dispels lies. If this is her child, at some point with much prayer, it needs to be addressed. Only now in my 40s am I coming to realize that the differences in our personalities play into how we respond to life and people. But no matter our personality, God’s Word never changes. Still, we are human and we need to be allowed to vent. I feel that as Christians we’ve forgotten the difference. Venting is necessary at times. However, when the same issues come up over and over again, there’s a problem.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. ~ Ephesians 4:29
{I’m totally preaching to myself!}
I KNOW that God’s Word works. I know that I need to be thankful in all things. I know that I need to refrain from murmuring and complaining and learn from the examples of the Israelites. Yet I sometimes find myself running around the same old mountain. What I hope my family and friends would do for me is lovingly encourage me to speak TRUTH. Truth prevails. And when I’m bull headed? Hopefully they will love me enough to take a firmer stance.
I would also recommend this book — http://www.amazon.com/Praying-Scriptures-Your-Teenagers-Discover/dp/031027351X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1358028917&sr=8-2&keywords=praying+the+scriptures+for+your+teenagers …. plus Age of Opportunity by Tripp. Maybe she just wants someone to listen, negative attention is still attention and she may not even realize she’s doing it. Gently telling her your concerns and how you can work on it can help, also being aware of her cycles and not in a “oh it’s your hormones again!” kind of way but in a you’re a woman now and being aware of things helps us all kind of way
I too have a very negative 13yr old daughter. I know there is problems at school and she is a huge follower wanting to be accepted and like by everyone. She has gone above and beyond acceptable behavior. She has been caught 3 time sending inappropriate texts to boys. We changed school and completely got rid of the cell phone. Every time we build up her trust or so we think we find it happening again. We have gotten family counseling and feel like it didn’t help because she wouldn’t really talk to the counselor. I/we are at a loss here. I pray for her daily. I know she doesn’t take her relationship with God seriously and I don’t know what else to do at this point. Any suggestions on this huge amount of negativity?
The one thing that came to my mind is service. Is there something that you could do to serve her that would show her love? And, is she involved in service to others in some way? Perhaps getting her mind off of herself and focussing on others might change her perspective. Just a thought. Hope it’s helpful.
One thing I’ll point out is that for a follower/people-pleaser, they really need to build their own self-esteem. Unfortunately, in our society, we seem to think that self-esteem is built by being told over and over that you are great, special, wonderful, etc. That doesn’t build self-esteem. It builds peer-centrism where the person becomes dependent on their peers to tell them they are worthwhile. Real self-esteem comes from having real, worthwhile skills and knowing that you are a capable person because you have experienced it. It comes from hard work with others who really value your input, not just people who tell you what you want to hear.
To help a child build their own self-esteem, give them the tools, encouragement and opportunity to develop worthwhile skills (and make real so that they will fail if they aren’t doing a good job). Teach them to play an instrument, do farm chores, build a rocket, fix a car engine, or something that is worth knowing. Let them work alongside you or other adults planting a garden, fixing fences, raking leaves, reorganizing the pantry, or whatever else is being done. Invite them into your world and show them that they can make a valuable contribution to the work being done. And give praise when they do well. But make it earned. They know when you are just flattering them.
As an LPC, I see teenage girls most often, and I can say that teenage years are much harder than they used to be. My first question would be why is she negative? Is there something at school that is really bothering her that needs to be taken seriously; is she unhappy; is it the attitude of her peers wearing off on her. Get to the bottom of it to ensure it’s not a serious issue and let her talk and you listen.
We have had this in our home. We don’t even send our kids to school!!! Yet there were friends, issues at church, hormones, etc that made life with our daughter very very difficult. One of the absolute best things I did… of which she knew nothing about, even to this day… is that I would go into her room once she was fast asleep, and in a quiet, voice, but out loud, I’d pray over her. I’d ask God to bring to mind what I should pray about. I prayed for protection, for her to feel God’s love, for her to know her value, for her to feel beautiful, for her fears to be displaced by God’s love and love for God, and so on. I prayed for courage, and strength, and health, and wisdom for her.
Something seems to happen to my kids when they sleep… almost like the guard around their spirit is down and when I pray over their sleeping beings it makes such a difference. During my own devotions times I’d get verses for them, which then I pray over them when they are sleeping. It’s powerful to see them change… and they don’t even know why… but you and God do!! 🙂
Just a little of what I have done.
My youngest daughter was like that and we tried everything. Finally, as a college freshman she became so depressed that we sought professional help. After several different medications, they found the right mix of two different meds, one an antidepressant and the other a mood stabilizer. She is 22 now and is like a different person. She is working on her second degree and is a happy, well-adjusted young woman. I only wish we had sought medical help earlier.
I agree with what I’ve read that the Mom should try to see if there is a deeper issue than just negativity. This is the stage in life where the transition from Mom to Mom-friend begins. She still needs her Mom (aka an authoritative boss-type figure) for sure, but she’ll also be desperate for a listening ear from someone who’s “been there, done that” (as long as the conversation doesn’t become about your teen years exclusively).
On the other hand, there are people, like me, who just get easily annoyed by stupidity. I, as a teen, was annoyed by how serious my peers took life, as if high school was the end all of everything. Over the years I’ve mellowed quite a bit. For that reason, I couldn’t wait to get into the “real world” because the drama was just rediculously pervasive. That being said, I like the suggestions of having her name 3-5 things that were positive about her day. I know this will work, because it has in my marriage. Any time I find myself focusing on my Sweetheart’s flaws, I make myself speak the good thigns he does.
Another good suggestion was bringing her some tea. A snack is a good idea too (a piece of fruit that will help balance her blood sugar). If she has one of the early lunches, she might be very hungry by the time school is over. When you’re blood sugar begins to dip, so does your mood. I’ve learned that when I start to feel crabby it’s time for a little snack.
Always, always tell her that you love her. Love is always the secret ingredient to everything. So many times we assume that our kids know that we love them. But there is something about looking into their eyes and saying it. Doing it daily and consistently will help.
-Good luck
I love this topic. My daughter has had many obstacles to overcome in her short 17.5 years and so she grew up quicker than most of her peers. She has a heart of gold but her frustrations about immaturity in her peers is some days daunting for her. She “knows” she is (due to her circumstances) more mature emotionally but it still irritates her. She even gets this way with teachers and authority types who (should know better) in her opinion. She is very disciplined, very academic, plays an instrument in a symphony, is involved at school, and is now preparing for college. I was not like her in school I had fun, messed around too much, and I was average emotional maturity. I was a regular kid a bit of a trouble maker. My husband was a good kid did what he was told and worked hard, we are pretty much the same people today(I have matured emotionally)we love the Lord and so does she. We are just not sure where this drive in her comes from she pushes herself so hard and can be so hard on herself that it brings her down and she doesn’t see the amazing person that she is. We are pretty open to all conversation. I know she is okay and will overcome this but I would like to know how best way to assist her in seeing herself as a princess of Christ, a child of God, as the person God sees when He looks at her. Thanks for any ideas, thoughts etc.
Bette