Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s talks about adult bullies–do you know one?
Anti-bullying campaigns are all the rage in our schools today. What we often fail to remember, though, is that bullying behavior doesn’t stop the moment one dons a graduation cap.
Have you ever encountered an adult bully?
I’ve been in social situations when someone has said something so outrageous and mean-spirited that I was temporarily rendered mute, a state which drove me absolutely bonkers as I was lying in bed later that night thinking of all the things I should have said. They eluded me at the time because the situation seemed so bizarre.
I think that’s why adult bullies can be so effective: the behavior is just so out of the ordinary.
Sure, we may talk behind people’s backs (which is terrible, too), but in general we try to be polite to people’s faces. When someone violates that cardinal rule, we’re often so shocked that we say nothing. Perhaps it’s the residual British culture in us, but we’re not programmed to make scenes; we’re programmed to avoid scenes.
Bowling over people, then, becomes an awfully effective way at getting what they want. And adult bullies may genuinely not realize they’re pretentious jerks, although I think more likely they don’t care. They have such an inflated sense of their own self-worth that they keep at it.
We’ve been busy teaching children how to deal with bullies, but perhaps we need a refresher course for adults.
You’re being bullied if someone constantly demeans you or says snide remarks about you. You’re being bullied if someone is constantly yelling at you or criticizing you. You’re being bullied if someone deliberately isolates you in social or work situations. And you’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.
I often find that adult bullies tend to be older, especially in families. They think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives and demand things a certain way. And we tolerate it, because “that’s just Grandpa Joe.” Or we do our best to compensate, running interference if anyone opens their mouths and says something that may set him off. We spend our energy trying to placate or distract Grandpa Joe so nothing bad happens. What kind of family life is that?
If more of us just spoke up, bullies would lose their shock and awe power.
Sometimes bullying, especially in families, is more covert.
If you call out an adult bully, they reply with incredulity, “I was just asking questions! I can’t believe you took it that way,” putting the blame back on you. And then you start to wonder if you’re the crazy one. Yet even if you turn yourself inside out to try to please the bully, you never will, because bullies thrive on the feeling of instilling fear. Meet one demand and they’ll come up with another.
Maybe it’s time our British, don’t rock the boat culture learned something from the Italians, who say everything. So let’s practice: “You are being inappropriate.” “I won’t sit here and listen if you talk to me like that.” “You are a guest in this home, Mom, so you should treat us with respect.” Or, better still, stand up for someone else. “Dad, you owe Jennifer an apology. You were completely out of line.” And if they start yelling or criticizing you, just repeat it. Then stand up and leave the room. There is no law requiring you to sit in a chair and be insulted.
If more of us just spoke up, bullies would lose their shock and awe power.
And it’s time the rest of us had some shock and awe on our side instead.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I agree. We’re dealing with a culture of kids who are bullies because the adults are bullies too. I’ve seen this firsthand, working in a school. I bring this experience up a lot but it really taught me so much. I sat at the front desk and the treatment I received at the hands of some of the parents was absolutely deplorable. It was no wonder we had such a problem with the kids bullying.
I have two adult step daughters. They are bullies. Their in their early 30’s. They enjoy causing dissention in the family. They are currently trying to ruin my reputation and all my relationships. They are mean and angry.i keep my mouth quiet a lot. My husband is disappointed in them. Their just like their mother. We no longer have a relationship with them. You can’t. They are always complaining about someone behind their back. They plan and scheme. Horrible. I lost a lot of friends cause of them. But they can’t ruin my marriage. They still are ruining other peoples reputations. Why is this allowed? Why are they so hateful? They use to be on antidepressants and stopped. That’s when then became ugly. They were more normal when they were on antidepressants. I can go on. The list never stops.
Ha! You sound like a wicked stepmother. I had one of those. You spend all of your time driving a wedge between your husband and his kids. It’s none of your business what medications other people are on. Wow. Some day you’ll regret treating your stepchildren that way. Unbelievable.
I truly hope this was a sarcastic comment! My step kids made my life a living hell! How about the kids start respecting boundaries the adults have established ? If her step daughters were doing better on meds, then perhaps their entire life situations could be improved by co tinted medication regime. It sounds as if they are unstable and taking it out on their step-mother. And they are probably taking queues from their birth mother.
Vicky: I’m not sure why you felt the need to post such a nasty response to “Hurt”.
She is simply describing what she’s going through. How could you know what’s truly going on or who in the family needs to make changes?
Her post has upset you, but you have to learn not to take your pain out on others, please.
In general, I’m more inclined to support a couple first, as it’s quite common for adult kids to interfere with that union in an unfair way for their own reasons.
This was beautifully pointed out in an old movie called “On Golden Pond”, where the mother stops her daughter from insulting her father-she reminds her that the man she is criticizing happens to be her husband-exactly!
Kids’ sense of entitlement has gone too far these days and boy it shows!
Sounds like the anti-depressant comment really struck a nerve Vicki. There is nothing wrong with that statement, it’s like saying, “gee, Grandpa didn’t get so winded when he was taking his blood pressure medicine, I wish he would get back on it so I don’t have to worry.”
Statistically it is the children driving the wedge in the vast majority of failed marriages with step children. Then parents would like to stay together but they can’t. Because of the brats. I will assume you were one too.
i agree with vicky
Wow indeed, Vicky,
What a perfect example of adult bullying. A woman just described her experience and you in essence called her a liar and belittled her. Surely your experience was different but unless you were present in this woman’s home you are only making assumptions in lieu of facts. Which is something bullies are masters at doing.
Are you one of the evil step daughters she is talking about?
You sound like one and you sound like you think you know it all but you obviously don’t.
To try to bully a stranger on an anti bulling self help page is very dumb.
I agree, my father and my sisters bullied me from morning to night,seven days a week,I keep my mouth shut sometimes,but it hard to keep quiet . They try to ruin my reputation etc
I have been dealing with a boyfriend and all his exess. That one can’t deal with they are out of the picture ,so they think that insulting me and my children that of no threat to a bunch of grown women . So my tolerance just peaked . But I think that a adult is bullied they shouldn’t turn the other cheek. They should let it known that bullying will not be taken lightly.
Thank you. REBECCA JONES
Bullies exist because of low self-esteem. You mention the bullies are often older, having “earned” the right to tell it like they think it is — because no one has ever called them on it before, or stuck to it. Ignoring a bully doesn’t work, unless you can ignore it long-term. They’re persistent. That’s part of their charm.
I led a Girl Scout troop for several years and we role played and discussed until I was blue about how to handle a bully. The most important thing is to JUST SAY SOMETHING. It doesn’t matter if the bully is a kid or an adult, he or she does not expect to receive a reply. The bully has grown used to dropping bombs or throwing grenades that he just stands and smugly smiles, knowing the explosion will happen.
It’s so satisfying to watch someone — especially a child who has learned how to handle the situation — actually step up and say something. It’s so worth it, and others learn from it.
Lastly, the “something” you can say in response can be one word. “Whatever.” Said in the right tone and with the right toss of the head, it speaks volumes. Bullies don’t want to feel ineffective. I tend toward sarcastic replies, but a “don’t waste my time” attitude with only a few words strung on does wonders.
Bullies do raise bullies. I’ve told my kids, since they started public school at age 6, kids are mean because they are sad inside. They struggle at home, they struggle at school. But they come off as if loaded with self-esteem. It’s all a front. There’s pain inside — getting to it early helps, but Grampa Joe might just be an old dog and seriously has shut down on learning new tricks.
Can you tell this is one of the soap boxes I hold dear?
I agree i am 24 years old with 4 children. Two dads but 1 present.i moved to a whole nother state with him and his father and mom. That was the worst mistake of my life bc his father is a semi powerful bully he has credentials and hes a mason at that. And he hates me bc im not afraid of him but speaking up didnt help me. It made things worse now he attacks with REALLY nasty low blows.
Amy I could do with you living at my house
I hate to say this, but I’ve seen church staff bullied by members. I wondered if some church members felt that they could speak up so forcefully and rudely because the minister couldn’t very well respond in kind and keep their reputation and position. I’m bringing this up because as Christians, we especially need to watch how we speak to one another and to even speak up on behalf of a minister who is being bullied. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen often, but it’s not okay that it ever happens.
Thanks for the great article, Sheila.
Hi, J — your mention of Christian bullying of church staff got me thinking of other instances of Christian bullying.
Christians sometimes take a crusader’s approach to their convictions, inflicting them on others and, in the end, bullying. They use the Bible as back-up in their bullying efforts, in effect, disgracing themselves and causing people to ignore the Word because a believer has just shown what the Bible is really all about — forcing people to believe and behave a certain way.
I have also seen pastors on the aggressor’s end, and even using the Bible as a chastising tool on an entire congregation. We left our former church for that kind of behavior, which was sanctioned by the hierarchy of a mainstream church.
When we see bullying in these circumstances, it seems right to speak the truth in love … even though I’d like to choke someone!
Thats how I feel about bullies in church . just because you are a leader doesn’t mean you have a right to do that in no way at all and it really upsets me when I see it and hear it. it’s been done to me get out of that while you all can who ever is in this situation
The post is good, but bullies often found at work, in churches,and especially political organisations. I also don’t think it is okay to label any ethnicity. The British are no more likely to accept bullying than Italians. In fact, I think there is a fair amount of South European bullying, at least as much as in Northern Europe or in Canada. It’s not polite to bully. But your point that we accept too much adult bullying is right on.
Oh goodness …. different cultures do have different expectations that’s reality ….
Bullying sometimes is found in the unintended arrogance of unquestioned ideas of reality. When we tell another person what is “just reality” we take an aggressive posture, whether we mean to or not.
Ethnicity? Lol, I’ve never heard the British labeled as a distinct ethnic group before. Sheila is talking about culture.
I was about to agree with Jane above (and still do — I don’t really like these stereotypes, and think taken seriously they give groups of people the kind of get-out-of-jail-free card that Sheila was just talking about) but got to laughing thinking about my Italian-American husband and his family who do indeed say whatever is on their minds. While I think that this in itself can sometimes be hurtful, and that bluntness sometimes needs to be tempered with thoughtfulness, I heartily am thankful for the way that knowing him and them has helped me to be more straightforward about what I think and feel, and to stand up for myself. So really, this comment isn’t about ethnic stereotypes at all, but thankfulness about what I have learned from my new family’s way of doing things.
There are bully’s no doubt, always has been and always will be…but we also live in a nation of wimps and political correctness. Just because someone says or treats you in a way you do not like does not make them a bully…that’s call life, or reality, or them responding to a nation of people who lives selfishly. Half the things we call bullying aren’t.
Half the things we call bullying are simply lack of common decency, self-control and social etiquette, all of which are victims of “modern society.” Comment sections are often loaded with what sounds like short-tempered, reactionary and pious Christians offering judgement of someone else’s opinion (offered gently!) in the name of endeavoring to increase the Kingdom of God. These people paint a Kingdom that seems really preachy and inhospitable many times!
Very soft-hearted people might define bullying differently than someone with a tough-as-nails personality. Some very abrasive people actually have hearts of gold, they simply do not express themselves in a way that reflects their true heart.
I come off as argumentative and self-righteous at times, when really, I have a passionate feeling for a topic or ideal that I can’t express without some fervor and want desperately for others to understand.
So yes, it’s potato/potahto on the bullying idea, many times. A gruff person isn’t necessarily a bully, nor is someone who appears physically menacing and rarely speaks. Conversely, a soft-spoken, seemingly genteel lady can rip the soul right out of someone with a forked tongue.
Go figure.
One last thing on the “stereotyping” — many nationalities are known for certain tendencies, and that’s not stereotyping, in my book. Having friends and relatives of varying ethnic backgrounds and also having a husband who works in an international company and the “stereotypes” usually fit. I agree — Italians say everything they think, often with a bit of conceit and a strong serving of self-indulgence (in our experience with folks from various regions of Italy). HOWEVER, familial self-esteem plays a large part in forthrightness, too. My husband’s family (Eastern European with a tad of Irish) have great need of attention and have low self-esteem … my in-laws were not wanted at birth, either of them. They lived feeling needy for affection and attention and learned to command desired behavior in their offspring, as well as call out “base” behavior as they saw it. To me, as a WASP in the 4th generation, their ways are rude, self-seeking and needy.
How do we judge? Sheila is right to take pieces of what we see, societally, and mesh them to strain out the bad and let the good flow through.
Sorry for the long-winded comment!
But don’t get me wrong — bullying abounds, it’s getting worse, and we need to stand up against it, rather than sit down and take it.
Leaving now … really. Leaving!
All I know is women seem to be much more concerned (in my opinion much too concerned or downright blow things out of proportion in my mind). I really think this is part of the feminization of our society…sorry if it’s not a popular view. I wonder what some of you would think of some of the prophets, disciples, even Jesus…would they be considered bullies…we often sanitize or warm and fuzzy up our Bibles but go read it again and put today’s bully “eyeglasses” on. Guarantuee a great many of them would have been considered bullies.
Don’t get me wrong, there are bullies (I think the word is just over used) or downright mean people. I am punched a guy out at the gas station last week because of the way he was screaming at his wife.
I think we just need to not blow things out of proportion.
It should have read I just about punched a guy out last week because of the way he was screaming at his wife last week at a gas station.
Amen. I’ve been in two situations. The first time, the woman was the type of person who, if she wasn’t happy, NOBODY would be happy. Broken family, etc., etc., so she took her miseries out on her inferiors. I was young, stupid, naive, and let it get to me. What should have been an enjoyable workplace became the pit of despair. I was out of there a little less than a year latter, a lot worse for wear. Took a lot of time to build my self esteem back up.
The second time? I knew what I was facing, and had grown. I smiled and nodded at her tantrums, continued to go about my business, and left shortly after she was hired. She’s still there, making everyone miserable. I guess her skill set is worth the PR hassle.
But it most certain can, and does, happen. About time someone said something about it!
My mother is the bully of all bullies!! She was always nice enough if you went along with her I guess, until we had her hospitalized for mental illness because she went crazy. I’m about to get a restraining order on her. She dictates how I can talk to her, what I can think about her, etc. I’m not “allowed” to voice my opinions to her about what I think. She gives me lists of things I have to do to make her happy. She calls me all the nasty, awful things she can come up with, and I’m just supposed to take it. Then she tells me to “respect your mother”. I’m 28 years old! She’s in jail right now, obviously she got herself there, and she writes me all these nasty letters telling me how awful I am for letting her rot in there and not posting her bail. Haha!! Keep dreaming!! She is this way with ANYONE she ever gets close to, she thinks she is always right, and she thinks people need to listen to her. She told her last BF that he needs to do what she tells him and listen to her because she’s the woman in the relationship. Thankfully he got away from her fast! I only wish they would keep her in jail longer, or take her back to the hospital…..
Leah, I’m so sorry your mother has not treated you fairly or lovingly. Children need stable parents that are willing to put their child’s needs before their own. Please forgive your mother for her selfishness before it ruins your adult life. As an adult, you get to choose how to respond when treated unfairly, and you get to choose whose voice is ” inside your head”. The voice of manipulation and revenge doesn’t have to live there anymore. Seek peace and pursue it.
So sad if she took the right meds she can be so much different. Sad she is not well.
I used to work at a residential/teaching facility for adults with MR/DD. To call the administration bullies would be to da** with faint praise; to call them abusive would not be outside the realm of reality. We were supposed to promote the rights of the residents at all times and against all foes (except for those in the administration). We were not supposed to negatively re-inforce the residents’ habits, actions etc, but the admins could bribe residents with chocolate ice cream and sodas in order not to be assaulted or scared by a resident. Three years later and just thinking about it turns me into a blithering idiot. I bucked that system as long as I could – until the combination of a mini-stroke and a swift kick to my knee let me know it was time to stop and return to taking care of myself and my family.
Yes u r SO correct
I work w autism teens in a school and have 2staff in my room like that. One is the teacher! She criticizes, makes unprofessional comments and should not be there. The other is a agressive big mouth that also bosses the kids and has said disturbing negative remark to the children. I cannot list all here snd no point to. I went to the principal yet I think admin keeps them no matter what bc one has worked there many years. Iam going to a different ed school next year. After my meeting w admin one turned hateful on me, the teacher lashed out at me and the other staff acted like I was the bad guy.nothing changed until I took matters in my own hands wo admin. I told both of them they were bullies, firm but nicely. The asst changed. Teacher is still the same but toned it down.
“…but the admins could bribe residents with chocolate ice cream and sodas in order not to be assaulted or scared by a resident.”
I’m a little confused here. If these residents were prone to violence or negative behavior in said situations (or chronically in general), how does bribing them not to do these things (and in the process the staff member avoid being hurt or frightened by a resident who was not behaving safely or appropriately) conflate with reinforcing those habits in an absolute sense? I understand basic psychology well enough to know that on the mental and emotional level many of them probably functioned at, they would end up with the belief that:
[1. Act out!] (leads to) [2. Treat! ]
However, I fail to understand why residents who were prone to chronic violent behavior were even housed together with residents who were not usually so. The logic seems to be that you don’t give said residents treats, which would, I assume end up not reinforcing the flow of belief I mentioned above. But if you didn’t give them treats in the first place, wouldn’t these residents be acting out anyway? The fact that they were entirely able to suppress their violent or aggressive behavior (when supplied with treats of some kind) suggests that it was already in their capacity to do so.
My inlaws who are devout Christians bullied me relentlessly for two years prior to my wedding. The problem is that I didn’t have a “voice” to tell them to stop. I am a kind soul who just wanted to keep the peace. Finally, after about a year of marriage, I was able to tell them that I would not put up with it anymore. We now no longer have a relationship and I am blamed for that. The blessing is that I am no longer bullied by my inlaws. I wish them well but no longer have to deal with insult after insult.
How has this affected your marriage? I have in-laws who have bullied me for going on three years now and I, too, am just a kind soul who likes to keep the peace. Any time I’ve even tried to create space between us my husband seems so hurt and disappointed and I end up feeling bad. He doesn’t seem to see exactly how they act and how it affects me negatively because he grew up with them. I don’t know what to do.
Things never change either, I have the same story. So sorry your in-laws can’t open their eyes and accept you. I know it hurts, but they are not bulling you any more. I took it for over 25 years, we developed what I call “The Rosy Picture Gang”, Now they are all rosy together, but not before I expressed some really good points. Best for your future.
A,,,,,,MEN!!! I have close family members who are “bullying” me right now to do things there way or they won’t talk to me. They have set the rules but I told them they have one big problem – I will not play their game! They still aren’t talking to me, but I feel that is their loss – not mine. And, I don’t have a problem with them – they have it with me so they will have to figure out the solution. Thank you for writing this!!! I have seen this happen SO many times (and am afraid I have even acted like this myself with my husband!) but I don’t want to be a part of it. Wonderful stuff! Keep writing!
Someone sent this in anonymously:
We are dealing with this situation w/i our church. The woman “in charge” of our women’s ministries is a bully. And she has BIZARRE and ridiculous rules for our women’s retreats. She’s super disrespectful. And she is old enough to be my mom. NO ONE calls her on it. When I tried to question something, everyone got really uncomfortable and quietly, said, “That is just the way it is” – they are terrified of her. WHAT?! I’ve never experienced this in women’s ministry. I’ve been in charge of it. I would NEVER treat women like she treats us and our pastor is oblivious to it. When he’s been approached he hasn’t been inclined to listen. Is she financing the church or something? Well, I have called her out on the things she has done to me at our retreats. And we will be meeting next week for a face-to-face and if that doesn’t help, I will go to the pastor. And if that doesn’t help, I’m going to call others into talk to the pastor. This is not okay. Women shouldn’t be afraid to speak up, to go against someone telling us what we are “allowed” and “Not allowed” to do. We’re grown for heaven’s sake. Maybe God put me in this church to finally stand up to her? I don’t know but I’ve prayed for 3 years about it, and I didn’t want to make waves but I feel like I can now. I’ve always been the stand up girl, even as quiet as I am, I won’t allow someone else to bully. Because no one spoke up for me as an abused child, I can’t sit by and watch it happen. Thanks for discussing this subject. It’s one I can’t find a lot on.
It’s great that you are standing up to her–and in a proper, thought-out way; but, my guess is that you still had to leave the church (?). These types usually dig their heals in and leave you feeling as if you have been hit by a truck and totally disillusioned. It would be interesting to know how this turned out. Peace to you. ‘If at all possible, live at peace with all men’ (my paraphrase). The trouble is, it isn’t always possible.
I have been bullied all my life. I was bullied at school & the teachers could only suggest I move classes (which I thought would only single me out more). My mum told me the best way to deal with it is to not let the bullies see they upset me. Sadly, this left me woefully inadequately prepared to deal with the adult bullies I encountered including my line managers at two separate jobs and worst of all my husband. After 17 years of hell with him, I finally broke free & realised once it was all over that I had perpetuated his behaviour by never calling him on it (the few times I did in the early days, he yelled & I got too frightened to do it again) & by always going down the least said, soonest mended route. Now I am in a wonderful marriage, with a husband who is just amazing – yet I (we) are now being bullied by my 12 year old.who
Oops, pressed the wrong button!
…12 year old daughter, who of course learned from her father how to treat me.
My ex is a Christian & it was quite hard when we split because everyone in church thought we had the perfect marriage because they only saw his public persona.
I wish my mother had equipped me better to deal with bullies, perhaps then I would have learned to stand up for myself.
Thanks for reading, sorry to ramble on! 🙂
Great post …. although I was hoping for more in the way of practical tips! 🙂 And don’t worry about everyone saying you shouldn’t stereotype, we know you are speaking in generalities and the fact is different cultures do react to things differently. All you have to do is travel a little to know that!
I was bullied throughout my life. As long as I desperately needed approval, I was an easy target. Being bullied and beaten up in school wasn’t a lot of fun. I had nobody to talk to about it either. When I told my mother, she’d spin it so it seemed like it was my fault or not a big deal. Mind you, she enjoyed bullying me too. That is, verbal abuse just for the fun of it.
Thanks to therapy and a lot of hard work, I’m not bullied anymore. I just ask myself, do I care about this clown’s opinion? If so, why? Are they being serious or just a jerk? I sometimes even take them to task. One of our children was enrolled in a soccer skills group and some loud mouth started complaining about it and bad-mouthing it. I told him off saying it was worthwhile to my daughter. He told me to keep my opinions to myself. Well, buddy, you just shoved your opinions down all our throats! He had no reply and looked real angry. I was ready to to re-arrange his face and told him we’d better get away from each other which we did.
Lastly, not all bullies suffer from low self-esteem. Recent studies, (I can’t quote them) show they do it because it pays off. It gets them attention from the opposite sex and social status. It works. A way to tackle it would be to make it cost them something because comes with no cost otherwise.
The biggest difficulty with bullying has come from my parents, both my grandmothers, and my in-laws. I didn’t look at it as bullying when I was growing up, but as an adult, married, with a child, I realized it for what it really was. When my daughter was just born, my mom and dad came to visit my daughter. She was almost three weeks early and struggled to nurse and take a bottle. The nurses instructed me to take her down to the nursery if she wouldn’t eat after four hours. My mom so badly wanted to sit and bottle feed her, she kept putting me off till my daughter hadn’t eaten for almost five hours and was crying like crazy. The nurse on duty gave me the best advice I could ever receive as a new mother. She said,
“You are your daughter’s voice. You have to stand up for what you know is right for her, no matter what and no matter who else tells you it’s wrong. It is your job to keep her safe and healthy and when you know what’s best for her, you need to make it happen.”
While in the grand scheme of things, she was probably overstepping her bounds as a nurse, I am so glad she did! My husband and I have had to step in and do what is best for our daughter in so many things; my mother’s alcoholism, my in-laws’ extreme yelling in front of my daughter, my brother-in-law’s pornography trying to come in our house when he was living with us, my grandmother’s lack of care for what my daughter eats, my grandmother’s racism toward my uncle and cousins…the biggest thing we’ve had to take a stand for is our faith in God.
If that nurse hadn’t shared her wisdom, we might be neck deep in areas we don’t want our daughter to be exposed to at this point in life.
Standing up to bullying is crucial, especially if it affects your spouse and children; the small family unit you are building together is so very important!
My struggle with this one is when it’s Biblically sound to just walk away from a parent. As far as it depends on us, we’re supposed to be at peace with everyone, but true peace doesn’t mean be a doormat either. My mother is overbearing and critical, and she always has been. I just don’t call her anymore because it hurts too much. She doesn’t call me either so it’s not like I am ignoring her. Most of the time I’m okay with this, but sometimes I’m not sure if I should still be trying for reconciliation, or if those thoughts are just sadness. She is the only other Christian in either my family or my husband’s and this is what is being modeled for my kids? She’s also my only living parent. My father and stepmother have both passed away.
I have been bullied by churchgoers in my family and although I complained about it directly as well as to the church involved, not a lot was done and it was an uphill battle. I am a nurse who has had many patients complain about churchgoers and who want nothing to do with a church. The church culture can be a haven for manipulators. If schools and workplaces have antibullying policies, why can’t the churches? Abuse of all kinds, including sexual abuse, should be addressed right from the pulpit on a regular basis. Abusers need to know that you are not afraid to talk about abuse both personally and as a group. Parish nurses can be a resource, with specific training in abuse awareness and programs. Direct links with community agencies can be forged, and referrals can be available. Bullying awareness should also be a part of marriage preparation courses. I insist now that any church we attend as a family will have an anti-bullying program well in place. There are only a few out there, but ask for more!
I talk about this so much. I grew up being taught to be respectful. Well when someone is being cruel or bullying, they are NOT being respectful and that needs to be dealt with. I won’t put up with it if it goes on for very long. We had a family member who would do this – a stepgrandmother – and it would infuriate people and yet, so many times they’d say nothing. When she told my daughter she was going to “beat her ass” because she was in another room playing with my husband – I confronted her and we left. The stories I have about this one, people have a hard time believing because they are so insane. I’m with you. We do not have to put up with adult bullies. I won’t subject my children to verbal abuse or cruelty to keep the peace. Sorry, that’s what was done when I was molested by a family member. Just sweep it under the rug and the message that sent me as a little girl was that I wasn’t worth protecting or standing up for because keeping the peace in the family was more important 🙁 That’ll never happen with my kids.
Am I crazy? This type of behavior is ABUSE… when did we start calling it ‘bullying’?
Im 31 and was employed by a bully boss who also happened to be my aunt. She has spread rumors that has made it impossible for me to find a job. She uses other family members to degrade me. I believe this came about because of some long standing fued involving my mom or my uncles middle child syndrome. Truth is i dont know.
What you are describing is verbal abuse which should be confronted and never tolerated or accepted. Unfortunately, if you are being verbally abused, you start to blame yourself, feel less than and even crazy. You begin to do all you can to keep the peace and even become a people pleaser out of fear of conflict. This is a very difficult cycle to break…I can say this as a former verbal abuser who also was verbally abused and I actually accepted this as normal, enabling and tolerating it. In the mean, time it affected me, my marriage and my children. Thankfully, God has used therapy from a wise Christian counselor, Jennifer Degler, emotional work and books(The verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Boundaries, and No More Christian Nice Girl by Jennifer Degler) to help with healing and recovery.
Tried asking my mom to treat us and our boys with respect…on more than one occasion. She would get offended and just leave — even though she was visiting us in another province!
Good for you for standing up to your mom on behalf of your kids!
Yup, I have at least one major one in my life. My MIL…who just happens to be Italian and do they ever say what is on their minds. After 20+ years of it (and all you wrote is true) I’m done. Maybe it was answer to prayer or maybe I’m just so past it but now I just don’t care. She will never change and if she gets rude in my house I will kick her out. If she does it in her own home I will pack up the kids and leave. I don’t need her in my life and even my kids are seeing for themselves her poisoned tongue.
My dad can be a bully – in a lot of different ways. Drawing the line or speaking up is difficult because he will happily ostracize whomever is in his way. I agree that some bullies are insecure, but many bullies have in inflated sense of their power and use it to get what they want. In our family, we have seen a decrease in Dad’s inappropriate comments and stories after he was told I would not tolerate racism or off-colour jokes in my house. He tested the boundary, of course. I quietly packed his suitcase and set it by the door where he could see it. He chose to restrain himself around us because the cost was too great. Wise choice. 🙂
That is awesome! I love that you stood for your own boundaries in your own house. That’s great, and a great witness to your kids, too.
Unfortunately there are people like that everywhere and my kids see it, on tv, at school, at their friends house and even other relatives. I choose to look at it as a conversation starter where we can sit and talk about what they think about that behavior and talk to them and teach them about how to handle other peoples opinions and not let it effect them directly:)
I’ve been speaking up about adult bullying on Facebook lately and in turn being treated as though I have three heads. So be it. I’m not going to stop. It seems to be so common these days that it’s become an acceptable norm.
After reading the comments I am wondering if perhaps I would be considered a bully. This concerns me greatly for it is not AT ALL what I wish to be. Hmmm, much to think and pray about. I will have to pay more attention to my words and behavior. There is such a fine line between bullying, abuse, manipulation, and having been spoiled. Sometimes people behave in this way because noone has ever informed them it is unkind and wrong. Dear family members have treated me with what the commenters here would term bullying, yet I have always viewed it as allowed behavior that I personally do not want to repeat in my life. Having been exposed to such behavior and treatment I have naturally picked up some of the same habits. I have spent years trying to undo these destructive ways and will continue to work on eliminating them until they are completely gone for good. Thank you for writing this. I needed to consider this.
Parental Alienation is all about bullying. One parent bullies the children to reject their other parent.
I agree with this, but I am a kind and gentle person, so sadly for me, I was a wall-flower in my in-law family of bullies, I finally spoke up one day and for the next few months. I demanded respect. I told family that I wasn’t going to take it any more, after 25 years of being quiet, I was tired of being called fat, worthless, “hated” & stupid, (I have a BS, the only one in the family). As well as being told “you are not one of us”. Now no one talks to me and I haven’t been invited to a family event in 4 years. That includes weddings, showers, births, holidays…nothing. Now, I am looked at like the bully, and my husband is collateral damage. (they bullied him all his life, so he doesn’t even care and won’t say anything to them because he’s happy they all went away. ) Thanks for listening, my therapist would approve! 🙂
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve recently witnessed this with an in law (a school teacher mind you) I got fed up said something and everything was instantly turned back on me. Unfortunately, for a long time I believed maturity came with age. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case at all.
Great article. Adult bullying is indeed an important issue, which occurred on different culture background. I’ve never been bullied as a kid or teenager. However I was bullied as an adult. I was bullied by my in-law & my husband thinks I was being overreacting.
Initially I agreed with him, I blamed myself for being too sensitive, I should learn to take jokes. Like the article says, sometimes I think I’m the crazy one. My husband even told me to go to psychologist.
After 2 years of battling depression over the bullying, I finally being honest to myself that what my in-law did was Not OK.
Even then, my husband still refuse to see the truth. 5 years later, I finally have the courage to call it quit. We separated for a year. He came back, he finally believed my story and apologised for his ignorance.
After years of battling depression and facing bully by my own, my heart is too broken to open up for him and his family. I fear for my future with them. I’m scared from just thinking about what other bully tricks they’ll do to me in the future.
The reason I share my story is that, there is no absolute definition of what bullying is. You need to listen to your heart. If your heart says you are hurting, take care of yourself.
I spent 5 years questioning myself, surrounded by husband & friends who think I was overreacting. As soon as I change my circle of friends and surrounded myself with kind-hearted people, I stopped blaming myself and start taking care of myself.
I hope my story can help reduce the number of bullied tears out there. Take care.
I have gone through a similar situation within my own family. I am one of 7 siblings-4 sisters and 3 brothers. I have been told repeatedly over a period of several years–decades even–that I am self centered, mean, nasty, was a terrible mother, on and on and on. When I started standing up and defending myself, the worst of the accusers started to say that I was the bully. I finally had to make the decision to walk away from my family.
The rest of the world sees me as kind, polite, caring, giving, loving. I treat them with respect and courtesy, and they do the same towards me. It is only my siblings (not all of them, just the majority) who treat me in this manner. They have said I am the one with the problem, even called me crazy. I am 52 years old and have finally decided that I need to be happy and to have peace, and these will not be found within my family. It has been a sad decision, but a freeing one. I am still trying to stick to my guns… which is why I’m here reading these forum posts.
The rest of my life is happy and fulfilled. I wish I could be a part of my family of origin, but I cannot… so I need to come to terms with this and carry on with life.
Oh the bullying! Thank-you for this article.
When I first got married we had to deal with my husband’s family. His mother and sister bullied him his whole life, and they didn’t like me so they bullied him more. When he went to the psychiatrist and came back with his third prescription of anxiety medication (he was now on 3 kinds at the same time) just so he could be in the same room with his mother at Christmas, I asked if this might be the definition of a toxic relationship. He agreed, and we had a four year hiatus from them and just recently reunited – with no bullying.
But now it’s my turn. My family are bullies to me and to my husband and young children and I just recently had the courage to draw my boundary and told them, all visitations are suspended until things change – however, I don’t expect any change. It’s hard because when your family are the bullies you have to be ready to let them go and not have a family, because sometimes people just don’t want to change. But I’ve suffered enough depression and anxiety over self worth issues, and I see my 10 year old nephew suffering (he lives with my parents and brother) and I have a husband and 2 small children to protect…it has to end.
My daughter just started kindergarten and is now being bullied on the bus. How can I help my children deal with bullies if I didn’t take care of my own first. It’s hard when you grow up with a family of bullies, you learn not to trust yourself. My mother told me I was born bad – not cool Mom, not cool!
Yvette, it sounds like you have come so far! That’s awesome. Have you ever read the book Boundaries? It’s so good about situations like this, and may help you give words to what you’re feeling. I wish you all the best! You’re absolutely right about providing a good example to your kids.
The book Boundaries is excellent.
It is heartening to know that bullying is becoming more unacceptable.
I have had experiences into the workplace and do within my family of origin. Setting boundaries has consequences with bullies who enlist allies and advocacy within the family and workplace. My experience is bullies do not like boundaries and often the situation will escalate when we put our own wellbeing 1st. The target usually presents as a threat in some way to the bully, there can be familial or professional jealousy, or transference and dumping of the bullies own issues onto an innocent person. From my perspective I decided that my wellbeing and that of my Children and Grandchildren and my need to live my life joyously was far more important than appeasing the bully even if it means the distancing of enabling family members.
My faith has been paramount in rising above the bullying. Also forgiving, however not forgetting or needing to trust those persons and sometimes workplaces or types of organisations.
The trap can be thinking the person or persons have changed, for psychopathic/sociopathic bullying the situation will not change. For transference bullying unless the person deals with their own issues there will be no change.
A significant way to deal bullies is for bystanders not to enable rescue advocate or support the bully.
There is hope, recognise there is likely to be grief and loss when we make a decision to step back from in particular the bullying family. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people and groups. I have many other tools to support rising above and moving forward with this type of societal damaging behaviour. A life with Joy is possible.
I was bullied as a child and several situations as an adult. Keep in mind I’m mostly at peace with the fact my parents did the best they could. But I see now- they lacked the self esteem and confidence themselves to raise a kid that thought they were worthy of being treated better by others. That said- I’m definitely a quiet shy non-confrontational introvert. What does that mean? I’m a bully magnet! Too many times people just assume I’m some daft wimpy pushover. I know enough now as an adult when and how to stick up for myself. I’ve had the satisfaction of surprising several would be bully situations for speaking up for myself and not allowing boundaries that normal people would observe being trounced by a bully. Being a more quiet observer of people I am pretty good about reading people… lol One mantra I repeat is “Do no harm, but take no Sh**”. Works pretty well.
I also dealt with toxic in-laws. Surprisingly it was a FIL not my MIL. He seemed to think because we didn’t pop out a grandbaby 9 months after our wedding I married my husband for his money and lead him on about having a baby. Couldn’t be further from the truth. But I politely dealt with the underhanded disrespectful comments and snide remarks for 3 years before things came to a head. Fortunately it opened my husbands eyes. Sadly he no longer has a relationship with his parents. I think he would have one with his mother but his father is so exhaustive it’s probably easier for his mom to keep my husband at a distance or deal with the fallout from her husband’s childish tantrums. Who is always sick with pneumonia or some other malady. As it turns out- we both are incapable of having kids- so… yeah there’s that.
Regardless- it’s all about boundaries. The people we allow in our life and if they are worth the energy and time to enforce those boundaries. I’ve learned I’m worth being treated with respect. I will not allow anyone to make me feel like a crap pile.
I like your suggestion that adults should have a refresher course on dealing with bullies. Like you said, adult bullies often think they’re justified in demeaning other people because they think they have more experience. Other people can try to ignore it or justify it, but adults should be taught how to stand up for themselves as well. Thanks for the article.
I married a bully and I had his bully children. I think it is learned behavior as they saw me as a doormat during those years growing up in a bad and abusive marriage. This included physical violence. I was depressed for years and just wanted to die. I remember thinking daily, “I wish I was dead.” I thought like this every day for many years. Also, my two older sisters were bullies to me too. They were so mean to me telling me I was ‘adopted’ all the time, and taking my stuff and friends from me. No wonder I married an abusive man! He felt just like family!
I am kind of slow to the twisted meanness of people. I just can’t imagine family trying to hurt family. I can’t imagine going out of your way to hurt anyone. Why would you do that? Anyway, I think from my own personal experience a bully personality has a genetic component or predisposition. I didn’t realize a bully likes to hurt you and make you feel bad. I didn’t know a bully likes to lie and pretend innocence just to watch your confusion. I have been reading up on it, and I think it is opening my eyes as to what the problems have been all along.
No one taught me in school what a bully was and I just didn’t recognize that they can smile at your face (my daughter) and then do something underhanded to try and hurt you. I don’t know what’s worse. When I have a ‘friendly’ relationship with a daughter, or when she is mad at me. When we are ‘supposedly’ getting along (she is happy about her terms and conditions) she likes to make hurtful digs. When she is outright angry she likes to play games on Instagram and invite her “ghosted” sister to join in only to “unfriend me” her mom. Whatever!
Honestly, I have never been happier. I have removed the drama by not trying to fix the bullies in my family . Bullies are gonna bully; meaning they are going to try really hard to make you hurt. My job (IMHO) is to give it to Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior and to not return evil for evil.
I know the promises of our Lord and His kingdom are written in my heart. I can feel compassion for the bullies because I know they are not close to God. If bullies were loving God, they wouldn’t have time to be hurting you! I know my “real” family are those who love the Lord. Amen.
Matthew 12:50
Pointing to His disciples, Jesus said, “Here are My mother and My brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.”
I could probably quite a thesis on mental abuse from a parent. It hasn’t stopped for 34 years and you can’t explain it to people (no one wants to listen) and they can’t understand why you didn’t just get away. It’s so much deeper than that. I have dealt with soooooooooo much of it I could really write a book. I wish I could just tell someone what I go through, but no one close wants to listen and even my sister’s don’t believe me because of exactly what we know, how abusers fool others into thinking it’s all your fault and you’re a sick horrible person and they’re a victim. It’s infuriating and depressing and disgusting how bullies can affect our lives. My mother will never stop being a bully. She’s been a bully her whole life and no one has ever put her in her place because of what a psycho rage she goes into if you dare tell her she’s wrong. All the times I didn’t believe my dad when he tried to tell us the things she did to him and then it began to happen to me and never stopped. My mother has loathed me my entire life and made it obvious.
I’m so sorry. That’s just such an awful story! I pray that God will send other people in your life to be the family you were meant to have.
I have been subjected to adult bullying spanning 2 generations and over 2 decades and counting. They are incredibly deceptive in addition to everything that defines bully and more. I am running out of things to keep my mind straight & happy. I’m literally depressed. If I go I will take my family along. This group are and from my 2nd brother’s family. They got my other siblings and their kids to taunt and shun me. Even my relatives and cousins believed them and did the same. In the middle of all these this group (2nd brother’s wife, her sister, her brother, her daughter and her son) also humiliated and hurt my mother in her 70’s for six years. Each year they did to her my mom told me what happened. I thought it would just be 1-off, 2-off… At sixth, I told my mother they were doing the same to me. At the 7th year, i recognized another setup I told my 2nd brother he was being used. Of course it was also roose to trap me. Many calls me delusional. I don’t know if anyone understands. There’s no way mention everything here. It will fill a novel-size book.
question what if you say speak up against the bully and now you are the constant target. constantly being blamed for others problems. being constantly undermined. what do you do then? I get told it is my fault because I stood up for myself. when I stick up and defend myself and tell them how it hurts me when they do that. they call me negative and a bad seed. I am sick with an autoimmune disease. I want to move so bad but it is kinda hard in my situation because I am jobless and moneyless.
Sadly my adult bully is my own father. I had to cut ties with him when he refused to even see that I was hurting. My husband and a friend are dealing with a online bully on a writer forum they are a part of. she knows just how far to push things so she does not cross any official rules. Adult bullying seems so much harder to deal with
Adult bullies are most often clinically known as people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Very good point!
Getting bullied as an adult is very much real. In the workplace especially. You can’t stand up to a bully boss. The higher ups don’t do anything about him. You can’t fight him. No one believes you get bullied and to make it worse the bully boss I have takes jiu jitsu. So he’s killed my self-confidence my career and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t quit cause now I don’t believe in myself. Bully bosses win. Why should a known bully be trained to physically and mentally hurt you?
I have been bullied by my husband’s family for years. First it was his son, who was so nasty to me for the longest time, but when I finally stood up to him about it and told him that the next time he addressed me that it would be with respect, I was the bad guy! This it was my MIL, who barged her way into my house on the anniversary of my mother’s murder and lectured me for 3 hours about how I should be treating my husband’s ex. Really??? Now it is my FIL. I could not believe how he spoke to me recently, daring to chastise me because of something that my husband did. I truly believe if I had been in the room with him he would have hit me. I have stood up to every one of them, and I will continue to do so, even though they all think I am the evil one. I don’t care what they think anymore. They are all screwed up, and bullies like them need to be stood up to!
I think women teachers or coaches can be the worst bullies! I also think its worse in a small town because these teachers and coaches don’t think they have to answer to anyone! I am a city girl who moved to a small town and I have had to watch and fight for my children who get bullied by teachers and coaches! I have noticed that women are worse with teen girls & coaches tend to be a nightmare!
I happen to scroll through a few comments. All I can say is is everyone has problems somewhere. When anyone mentions troubles in a negative sounding way, don’t take it personally. They may have never learned to voice their opinion different. If someone is bitching and whinny they probably need some support or reassurance, not judging. The Bible says we are to never judge others, if it didn’t it still should be noted that the focus of your entire life should be bettering yourself and anyone you encounter at any moment. Life gets hard for everyone. Compassion and understanding 1st with yourself and then everyone else can change all of this. If speak of or feel upset and negative it’s ok for a moment. You have to go beyond the “feeling” to make a change or everything including that thought and situation will remain the same. I always love the comment kill them with kindness. Unless someone is has narcissistic personality disorder, then they will actually not feel guilty or learn from your kindness, but it will become a habit to teach and inspire others to be kind. A negative plus a negative=more negative. Be the change you want to see in the world.💙💜😊
Sheila, thank you so much for this excellent article which I’m going to cut out and carry in the zippered pocket of my suitcase.
I grew up with a mother who is a bully and a father who enabled her. At 86, she still engages in the behavior, although to some extent she’s toned down, as Dad passed last year, and I do believe she has realized the value of her children’s support.
Nevertheless, there more often than not a put down comment on the telephone, and certainly after more than a two and a half day visit at our family, she get’s quite aggressive. It’s not really that she wants you to leave either – she has said often that she loves the company and Dad always said the family home was everyone’s home. We’re not talking about two week visits either, max of 4 nights after a coast to coast trip. In my view it’s a question of control and wanting to feel superior,and this has been echoed quietly by cousins and aunts and uncles.
Also she’s also admonishing you to “stay in touch” but then you call, and she puts you down, and then you (me) gets exasperated, angry, absorbed for a while in the front or back of the mind trying to work it out and think of what you (I) should have said, and how the behavior impacted my life as a child, teenager and young adult.
By the way, I had two great girlfriends in high school whose mothers perceived the problems and took extra caring measures to let me stay on overnights and come to dinner more often and give supportive attention. Those mothers were saints.
Anyway, after a call today, I searched today for a perceptive article on “How to handle bullying by an adult parent.” Most of the search turned up bullying of children and how mothers could help protect.
I am so grateful I persisted and found your article. I’ll keep it close in mind and actual proximity. You really hit the theme and responsive behavior solution succinctly and squarely. Thank you!
Pam (variation of my name)
PS I feel so much better to have the opportunity to express my comments and feeling here that I am going to (a) go shopping on line; (b) prepare a regulatory synopsis for a meeting and get excited about business; (c) work out; (d) take a walk and enjoy the weather; (e) say prayers of gratitude for the great things I have and have experienced; and (f), at 5:00PM or thereabouts, and no earlier, pour a glass of good wine and relax with a book and a BBC mystery. There you go, thank you for giving such great insight which gave me the space to reflect and to compose a plan!
My father was/is a bully, and my sister was just like him. If I even had a ‘tone of voice’ I got into trouble, but she was allowed to speak to me however she wanted. She grew up with such a low sense of self-worth that she had to put everyone around her down, especially if she saw them as a threat – more successful, happier, better looking…
I used to do that ‘cutting down to size’ as well (of course I did, I was the scapegoated child of narcissists). I’d tease people about their perceived flaws, until a friend said, “teasing is just criticism with a smile.” Ouch! That really woke me up, and I’ve been self-vigilant ever since, fighting the urge, even if I thought it. I was never allowed to have a success without being bullied from the jealousy of my sister, and I don’t want to inflict that on others.
Other commenters are right – children bully because the adults bully, and nobody is telling those adults that it’s not okay. I’m Australian, and here we tend to chop the heads off tall poppies (tall poppy syndrome). It can make even *wanting* success difficult – I have been afraid of success my whole life, and it’s because of this adult bullying throughout my entire family on my father’s side. My cousins are exactly like my sister, so it was very difficult to break free. I finally went No Contact with my father two years ago, and, although I really grieved, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. If Mum had still been alive, I don’t think I could’ve done it, because she was Dad and my sister’s enabler, making me walk on eggshells around them, apologising to keep the peace, even when it wasn’t my fault.
Bullying creates either pleasers/co-dependents (who are often passive-aggressive) or narcissistic bullies who mirror the parent they saw as the strongest. It has to stop. We need to stand up against them, even when we’ve been conditioned by fear to remain silent.
Thanks for your article. Keep up the good work.
‘Residual British culture??’ I’m British and I know many of my compatriots who would have something to say if it was needed. Some wouldn’t I know, but it’s nothing to do with being British. Really Sheila, I know we are reserved (and glad to be so), but I don’t think enabling a bully is a British trait at all.
“And it’s time the rest of us had some shock and awe on our side instead.”
So very true.
When I was growing up, my younger sister had an annoying habit of trying to pick arguments. I would simply tell her “Stop”, which would prompt my dad to say “Both of you stop”, even though I was guilty of nothing other than asking to be left alone. I would tell him this, and he would say, “It takes two to tango!”
Finally, I got so tired of hearing that cliché that I shot back, “So what? It only takes one to disco!”
He never used that expression again.