Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, a mom writes in asking about preventing porn use:
My husband grew up in a Christian household, he was the youngest of three brothers in the house. He started using porn from a very young age. The parents would occasionally find the porn (magazines and VHS back in the day) and it was a slap on the wrist. He and his brothers have all struggled with porn use into their marriages. My husband and I are proudly on the better end of it.
My question is we have two sons, with today’s technology what should I do to ensure porn doesn’t become a struggle in their lives? I can explain until I’m blue in the face what effects it will have on their future wives and marriages. Any ideas?
What ideas and tools do you recommend? I think Covenant Eyes is a great tool–it allows you to restrict access to kids on certain websites, and it sends you a report if they’ve tried to access anything, just to cut down on temptation. You can get a FREE month when you sign up using the coupon code “TLHV”.
What about you? Any suggestions?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’ve thought a lot about how I could have prevented my struggle with pornography throughout my life. And it all comes down to wishing I had had an adult in my life that I could have approached about it in the early stages. Suggestive images and out right pornography are even more accessible than 20 years ago when my struggle began. Limiting exposure to the world and its seduction is a wise beginning, but sitting down with the intention of being a safe place to discuss these issues of sexuality is the most important intersection point in my opinion.
Computer only in the main room. You can lock safari and/or rating levels out on iPhones, iPads, iPods, the computer, and even cable with a password. These things – like locks help keep the temptation out. They are not perfect but they are a good support. As in any issue with your child – I agree with Matt above – be supportive and the one they want to talk to. Be alert to what goes on in your children’s lives – if they start withdrawing, hiding out, etc pursue it – not in a crazy manner but in a prayerful, loving parent manner. Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray! We can’t block it all and as terrifying as that is, at some point they have to make their own decisions – all we can do is raise them and pray for them to make the right ones and help them up (appropriately- not enabling) and to learn thru. Not there yet myself but had a teen brother who stumbled in high school when home computers and Internet really started getting big
Great question! I have two grown sons who have never gotten into porn and we were diligent as parents preparing them for this battle. We taught them early on about “bouncing” their eyes at immodesty and to flee sexual immorality. We homeschooled them through junior high when most boys get involved with porn. “Flee the youthful desires of lust.” We had them read “Every Young Man’s Battle” when they were teenagers. We trained them in the way they should go and when they grew up, they did not depart from it. God’s ways work. Just arm your young men for the battle and fill their minds with Scripture. It is powerful and does not come back void.
I would agree with all the advice others have given by others. I also think it is very important for your husband to lead in this area especially. I have always believed that fathers should take the lion’s share of teaching their sons how to behave,as wives ought to teach their daughters. If your husband’s example is good make it a habit to point it out to your sons. If your sons see that you are love and respect your husband ,they will want to model the behaviors that you admire. In the area of relationships this is especially important. Finally,remember that . after all is said and done this is a sin against God and themselves.
When I saw this question, I thought, “oh, good!” because we have a little boy and we want to be wise in our parenting. When I told Hubby the question, he countered, “I think the more accurate question is how we can make sure Doctor Destructo wins that struggle with pornography. He will be a man, he will struggle, that we cannot change.” and I think as a parent, especially as Mom-mom, I must remember that I can’t ensure that little guy won’t struggle, but I can equip him to succeed and overcome in that fight. I look forward to reading all the comments, already there are several good ideas presented.
Any specific recommendations for web filtering programs would be recommended as well. We have it on strict filtering right now where we have to allow each individual web site, but they cache from so many places that it’s becoming quite problematic.
Covenant Eyes. It’s a software that completely blocks any questionable web content and alerts the administrator (aka Mom and Dad) if a user tries to access a questionable website. My IT Guru husband highly recommends it.
My husband uses Covenant Eyes, too, and it is a strong deterrent, but not perfect if the person who needs it is computer savvy and can outsmart it! He’s even called their tech support to tell them what he does to get around the system, and exhorts them beef up their software! However, he said that the strongest influence that has kept temptation from becoming sin for him is another godly man who he can not only talk to about his struggle, but will see through his deception and call him on it, since that is a huge part of the addiction.
We also use Covenant Eyes, and it’s worked well for us. Before that we used a K-9 Web filter.
What a great question. When I have asked this I get the ” boys will be boys” reply and that makes me very upset bc so much of society grants males permission with that phrase. Anyway, I have a 4 yr old and a couple ideas I’ve had are like what y’all have said about limiting the exposure at home. However, I as a young girl was exposed to it at others houses, so beware of that as well. I am a single mom and I plan to sit down and really explain what it is and what it teaches young ones as well as how it has effected me as a girlfriend and wife. I want to teach him that the world uses women as sexual objects and that is not what Gods intention was. Porn, strip clubs, and such teach the mind that when you are dissatisfied with your sexual partner or the video or girl you are looking at on stage or paper, she can change shortly and you can have a new girl. Thats not real life and there are consequences of having multiple partners. One thing parents need to be concerned about is that this is not just a problem with boys. I have struggled with this since I was young and was having sex at 14. We went to church and I was taught it was wrong but I did it and I’ve hidden it from my mom until recently, I’m 30 now. Now at the age of 30 I’m still single, with a kid to raise and an STD. Anything to do with sex became an addiction and I don’t want that for my son. I’m lost on what my parents did that I could differently.
Leave them no place to go. No computers in the bedrooms. Filters on their smartphones. And blocking software. There are several. One we use is called “Covenant Eyes”. It blocks questionable websites and alerts the administrator (aka Mom and Dad) if a user tries to go there. My husband is an IT tech and believe me, our computers are going to be like Fort stinkin’ Knox. Porn is something we feel very strongly about. Make the password something really obscure, and only you and your spouse know it.
And talk to them. Get your husband involved. Nobody can influence them on this like their dad. Find a great church youth program to plug them into – somewhere that isn’t just fun and games. Somewhere they’ll be surrounded by other kids who have a hunger for a relationship with God. Peer pressure and media pressure are HUGE at this age. They need peers who will influence them for the better.
Don’t just have one talk…have many talks. You can nonchalantly point out things on regular TV even to indicate that too much skin or nudity are not to be public. Like we used to comment on what some of those dancers on DWTS wore, and now our kids say stuff like, “Why is she wearing that?” We talk about how men’s brains are wired and the temptations around. We talk about how those women are someone’s daughter, sister, or even mother, so they are not just an impersonal photograph. We talk about how the people in porn are treated and how our hearts break for them. We talk about how to actively avoid these things (like not ever clicking onto an unknown site, especially with pop-ups). You get the idea. Or course, we also talk about why sexuality the way God desires it is SO MUCH BETTER.
In addition, computer in full view of family–whether that’s a living room, kitchen, or whatever. Establish the practice that you will check their phone, computer, etc. because you are paying for it. No need to read every word; you’re just scanning to make sure all is good. If you find something, though, don’t lose your temper. You want to be their advocate, their coach, their discipling parent, not their executioner. And let your kids know–no matter what age–that if something pops up on the computer that makes them uncomfortable, they should not try to close the window (which can sometimes bring up more stuff); they merely need to press the single button that turns off the monitor, call you, and you’ll take care of it. If they know you’re in their corner–not to catch them but to help them–it will be easier for them to resist.
First you state, “My husband grew up in a Christian household, he was the youngest of three brothers in the house. He started using porn from a very young age. He and his brothers have all struggled with porn use into their marriages.” Then go on and conclude, “My question is we have two sons, with today’s technology what should I do to ensure porn doesn’t become a struggle in their lives? I can explain until I’m blue in the face what effects it will have on their future wives and marriages. Any ideas?”
Before you and /or your husband address the use of porn with your sons, your husband needs to explain to you WHY he started using porn from a very young age? Why was there a need to use porn? But you have to be careful because your children may simply dismiss your admonitions and conclude that dad turned out O.K. so what’s the big deal with using porn? Of course, you need to define exactly what porn is. And please don’t go into explanations of how people are treated in porn because if people were NOT treated in the manner you describe (which may or may not be accurate), would that make porn acceptable?
Please don’t turn yourself and / or your children into neurotics with all the locks on their computers, etc. I have news for you – if they want to use porn they will find a way to do so.
Joe, I don’t think it’s neurotic to have locks on computers. We prevent our kids from doing things that harm them, and it’s important to try to prevent it if we can. We have locks on our doors to stop strangers or evil from coming in; I don’t see this as different.
I think it’s healthier to combine this with keeping the computers in a common place, stressing family time and hanging out together when you’re on your computers, and keeping open dialogue. But locks themselves are not a problem, and in many cases are a blessing.
When we were kids you had to go to a store to buy a Playboy, and they wouldn’t sell them to 12-year-olds. So there was a “lock”, so to speak, back then. Today it’s up to parents to provide that, because the porn is right inside the house. It’s a whole different ballgame, and we have to be diligent.
I’ve seen firsthand how pornography shaped my husband from an early age and then nearly destroyed our marriage. It isn’t about asking questions. Yes, he had to get to the root of how and why it started with him, but it became an addiction and the real issue here isn’t how her husband began his own issues. The truth is, the children need to be taught to “bounce” their eyes, as someone said above. My son (11 now) and my husband both actively look away any time there is anything on TV/movies that is inappropriate. You can’t shield them completely and kids will do what they want but there are steps you can take and should take. Pornography is everywhere and affects everyone. All these people reading the smutty romance novels, and the new 50 Shades of Grey nonsense is no less pornographic than the images that men (and some women) fill their minds with. All it takes is one image or scene described to hold one’s attention for a long time. And if anyone is using that image/scene alone or with their spouse, it’s wrong. It isn’t sex the way God intended it. With the way we have access to pornography these days, I believe that in some ways, especially with the computers, we do have to lock down our kids. It just takes one look. My husband looked at porn for the first time, not because he wanted to, but because someone showed it to him, which is fairly common. “It’s the second glance that binds your heart as darkness pulls the strings.” – Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. Because we saw how the years of addiction affected my husband and our marriage, we will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep our son’s (and daughters’) eyes pure. No, we will not turn the TV off completely and block all that out. The kids will have to deal with images that are inappropriate walking down the street, or even in church, and especially among their young pre-teen friends, so anything we can do to KEEP talking and lock down what they do have access to on the internet, since it’s everywhere.
It is our duty to cover them in every single way, to pray for them and get “neurotic” about all of this till they get the point why, how and why not! There is nothing wrong with locks and controlling what enters into their minds.
We should do our part, as parents, the best we can. God will do the rest.
“nobody can influence them on this like their dad.” so true! my husband’s dad’s view was if you don’t look you’re dead. so yea, go ahead and look, cheat, use porn, visit strip clubs–you’re a man you cannot help it. since my fil had passed on before my husband and i were dating, i didn’t know a lot about his, clearly nothing negative. i agree that if boys want to see it, they will find a way. keeping an open dialog and being honest about why the behavior is destructive is the only way to stop the cycle.
I think the question is stated well – how do we keep the from USING porn. The sad reality is they are going to see it. We can not keep them from seeing it, so we need to prepare them for dealing with it. A
However, if we don’t start till they are teens, we have already lost – because most of them will see it long before they are 13! As others have indicated, the best approach is to give them something to look forward to, and then warn them that porn can damage that. Give them a reason to say not to porn, a reason rooted in their future happiness.
If I am plug a friend, Buddy Knight is director of Knights’ Quest Ministries at http://knightsquest.org/ . They have great information and tools to help families with this issue.
By the way, this is not just a problem for boys – at least 2/3 of girls have been exposed to porn by age 18.
There are some scary stats at http://bit.ly/VFcb5x. The reports there are a few years old, and this problem is growing very rapidly, so those numbers are low, probably very low. Particularly disturbing are the numbers on unwanted on-line exposure, and how fast that number if growing.
Thanks for bringing that up, Paul! In the surveys I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 25% of women reported struggling with pornography, so it is definitely not just a boys’ problem!
I can attest to that for sure! I think for me, it wasn’t so much a problem of addiction, as it was airbrushed false images of women’s bodies and distorted views of sex! I mean, it was my very first exposure to sex, seeing images that were very sinful.
My husband has struggled with this. And we have had it creep back up within our own short marriage. We live the military lifestyle and, as with another post above, the verdict from the outside is that “he’s just a guy”. my take on it is that he’s not “just a guy”, but he is MY GUY. And in the same token our boys, hopefully, are already earmarked by God as someone else’s guy too.
Someone with a grown child said to me “it’s just a picture! I’d rather have him look at that then go out and find it”…even though my oldest is only 3…I replied that “he won’t seek someone out unless he’s found the temptation elsewhere”. My husband has said he want to take the majority of the reigns on this one because of his own struggles, and give our boys a perspective on absitinence in EVERY way from someone who wasn’t before he found Christ. Yes, teaching purity starts at home, but they do need to know that this type of stuff is a gateway to a world of regret and pain in life and marriage down the road.
There are some really great ideas here. I have 5 sons, so this is definitely something I think about.I have been addicted to porn in the past and try to stay away from it, but my husband doesn’t see a problem with it. Although, he does respect me and stays away from it as well, since I’ve told him how it makes me feel. Having 5 sons, I want to raise them to respect themselves and the girls they date through abstinance until marriage. I have a question: What do you do when your husband is not a believer and doesn’t see anything wrong with boys being promiscuous? He even “jokes” about taking them to their first strip club when they turn 18. I don’t know if he is really joking or not.
My husband hasn’t gone that far with it, but he’s always joking around with our 10-year-old about “gettin’ digits” (a girl’s phone number to lead on to other things) and other stuff like that. So far, my oldest son & I have a good relationship – that seems to be key to everything. Also, a family really close to us recently went through a divorce over pornography & infidelity. Considering that my son’s best friend, my daughter’s best friend, and my best friend are all in that family, we all got a front row seat to the incredible pain & permanent damage that porn does. It left an indelible impression on my son. I sure wish my best friend didn’t have to go through a divorce for my son to learn such a valuable lesson, but the Lord uses ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I can always pull this card on my son when my husband tries to entice him into promiscuity or even “just” impurity.
In addition to the excellent suggestions above. I would make sure you yourselves know how God’s promises and heavenly pleasures are better than the promises of lust. Lust offers a picture of a “heaven” where you can be eternally satisfied by sexual pleasure. Do we really believe God’s true heaven will be better than that?
That is what I attempt to show on my blog.
What Dad’s do is far more important than what they say! My Dad’s favorite saying was, “do as I say not as I do”. I know I learned far more from watching than I ever did from listening. I was told to not smoke or drink but my Dad di, so I did. No one ever talked about porn but my Dad didn’t have it around and so, though I saw it around at friends homes and such, it wasn’t a big deal to me. If a Dad is going to talk it, he had better be able to walk it.
Remember the song, Cat’s in the Cradle? “I’m going to be like you Dad. I’m going to be just like you”.
1. Locks won’t keep your kids from finding that sort of thing.
2. But locks will mean that temptation has to go beyond the “maybe I’ll just…” stage.
3. Randomly grabbing their cell phone/computer and checking their history or running a sync program to review web history or the like will keep the threat of exposure high. Randomly is the key.
4. Porn/erotica gives your brain a hit of happy drugs which means it’s easy to get hooked on it as a way to manage stress. Make sure your kids have other ways to manage stress! If they’re mentally running away from something they need ways to process their thoughts and ways to just veg out for a while and actively not be thinking about what is bothering them.
5. Don’t brush it off. Christian kids have a conscious. When you brush off their raunchy romance novels or lingerie ads or the like you’re essentially telling them this is a battle they have to fight alone. That isolation and hopelessness will only drive them deeper into addiction.
Let’s just say I was a precocious kid with clueless parents and leave it at that.
1) Lock them in cages with limited and controlled access to the outside world. This prevents the ability to look at porn. (I am not really suggesting this.)
or
2) Teach and model an understanding of objectification, Godly body image, God – given purpose (relationships), and normal human attraction.
The website My Chains Are Gone suggests evidence which changes the belief system. This change in belief system from lies to truth is followed by a dramatically reduced interest in pornography.
My oldest of 5 boys is just now 13 so I am only in the early stages of this challenge. Having had extensive exposure myself in my B.C. days and having lost several battles since, this is an area that I pray my sons will be spared. I’ve talked to my older boys on several occasions and when my oldest turned 13 we had a weekend away just the two of us to talk about all aspects of growing into manhood. But I think the controls are important too. I use OpenDNS to lock down all internet access in the house — every PC and device on the WiFi is protected. And they are only permitted internet use in public rooms. And I use browser history Family Safety on a random basis to check their website traffic. Nothing of concern yet, but I want to know if/when there is a challenge so I can have a heart-to-heart. This is a huge issue for this generation of young men.
The whole conversation has got to start early! Having been homeschooled and raised in an awesome christian home, my parents waited WAY too late to start talking to me about sex, romance novels, porn etc. I never got hooked on porn but I got hooked on romance novels at a young age, by the grace of God I got free from them after only a few years, but it took years to undo the damage that those few years caused. Also you might have plenty of blocks and locks on your computer, but that doesn’t mean your kid’s friends have the same safetys on their computers. Porn and addictions aren’t out in the open, so honestly even if you think your kid’s friends could never be involved in that kind of thing doesn’t mean that they are. When your sons and daughters know that they really can come to you about anything, and you’re not going to freak out about it, but be there to pray with them and fight for them and with them… that’s what they’re looking for. Talk to them about sex should be, keep the conversation open, easy and light and you’ve won half the battle.
I would also like to suggest getting rid of or putting away ANY magazine or catalog with pictures of women in tight-fitting clothes. Yes, even the likes of Prevention magazine, and yes, even the JC Penney catalog. It may sound ridiculous at first, but these are things my husband gravitated to as an 8-year-old when there was nothing more explicit for him to get his hands on.
If your children can grasp–for themselves–that pornography and lust exist on a series of lies, it can make a dramatic difference for them. Porn insinuates that sexual gratification requires no regard for sexual intimacy as God designed; no public or private commitment, love, or concern for others (let alone your own physical and emotional health), and as long as you’re never caught, there are no consequences—or at least that the pleasure will always outweigh any pain or regret.
The truth however, is that it is short-sighted, selfish, damaging, and limits sex (and one’s view of it) to a very shallow, empty, physical act instead of allowing it to bring and build contentment, trust, union, love, and growth over time as God intended. Our culture and world is so thoroughly messed up and ravaged by sin…local and national news just reeks of this.
I have to add this great quote (and link to a post about this) from Jessica Harris: “Instead of asking how to protect their innocence, we should be asking how to protect the sacredness of sex in their lives.”
http://www.theporneffect.com/jessica-harris/307-jessica-harris
We were shocked to discover that our son, at age 12, had begun getting up in the middle of the night to look at pictures of girls on the internet. He never got into pornography, thankfully, but he was right on the edge of that. It all started with a “google” search for “skull and crossbones” that led to an image of a woman in a very skimpy skull and crossbones bikini. He tried to stop on his own before we found out and had a hard time. We put a password on the computer and talked with him extensively. I think it’s important to NOT shame him or make him feel like he’s a terrible person when you discover that he may be looking at such things. As my husband said, “God gave you sexual desire, but it’s meant within the context of marriage.” Raging hormones coupled with a plethora of images can be damaging — and I also agree with the note above that we need to keep certain magazines and catalogs away from young boys’ eyes.
I have since written, at the request of some friends, several blog posts regarding teaching sex to your boys — for women. I agree with those above. Dads need to be involved and the discussion needs to be early — but AGE appropriate.
http://www.mullinitoverforyou.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-birds-bees-and-boys-teaching-your.html
http://www.mullinitoverforyou.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-birds-bees-and-boys-teaching-your_27.html
http://www.mullinitoverforyou.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-birds-bees-and-boys-teaching-your.html
“We were shocked to discover that our son, at age 12, had begun getting up in the middle of the night to look at pictures of girls on the internet.”
Jenny you were shocked that he was looking at pictures of girls? Good grief – I would be thankful he was looking at pictures of girls and not looking at pictures of boys! Isn’t interest in girls part of heterosexual development?
Joe, I think that’s part of the problem–the idea that it is natural for boys to look at girls. It may be a natural urge and curiosity, but parents SHOULD be concerned if their children are seeking out those pictures on the internet, or anywhere else, because that natural curiosity can turn into something else. And what starts out as just natural curiosity can start to inflame some serious sexual feelings if they start looking at it on the internet. And then those feelings are pleasurable, so they keep seeking it out. It’s not a question of being glad your child isn’t homosexual; it’s a question of how can we raise our kids to respect the sacredness of sex, and how can we hopefully spare them from the pain that porn brings?
We raised/are raising 5 sons and a daughter. We still have 2 sons living at home, ages 16 & 18. All of the advice given above has been very good and we did a lot of it. We had the computer in the dining room in full view of the main door coming into the home & the kitchen. At night, we took the cord to the monitor, just as a precaution. We had all of the boys do a ‘Bible’ study with Joshua Harris’s book “Sex Isn’t the Problem, Lust Is’ as they hit the mid teen years. We do not watch tv although we do watch videos, so we were careful about choices. We started ‘indoctrinating’ the boys when they were quite young as to what is inappropriate for their eyes to be looking at and how they have personal responsibility before God to guard their eyes, minds, & hearts. Because we home educate, I’ve had a LOT of opportunity to talk with them all about purity and why it’s important. And yet, we STILL ran into a problem although because of the foundational work we had done was able to be dealt with pretty smoothly. 3 of the boys were out in a shed on our property and had climbed up the shelves along a back wall and found an old playboy magazine of all things-which they ran into the house to show me!!! UGH! So I used it as a learning experience as I felt that the Lord wouldn’t have allowed it to happen otherwise….We talked about what the magazine was about, how Satan uses images like that to stick into our minds like a Rolodex that you can access at will and how important it was to pray that the Lord would remove those images so that your future wife could be what fills up your mind Rolodex. The boys know (and obviously did then as they came right to me with their find) that they can ask/talk to me about ANYTHING, even if it’s embarrassing to me. And let me tell you that the photos that that playboy was opened up to were VERY embarrassing for me!! It’s been hard sometimes to answer some pointed questions, but as other readers have mentioned, it is REALLY important to be able to talk to your children about stuff. Sex, lust, all of it is a curious thing to young boys and they will either get the truth from you or a skewed version from all of the avenues of the world.
Most of the answers to this question assume the same thing… that the problem is in what they are able to see.
This is the wrong focus. The way to porn-proof your kids is transform their perception of the human body, clothed or unclothed.
If a boy can learn to see a woman’s face and respect her as a person without lusting after her, why do we assume that he can never see the rest of a woman and treat her with respect as a person without lust in his heart?
Because we have always assumed that the “lust” was an “automatic” response to the mere visual evidence that a woman has a feminine form, we have created a self-fulfilling expectation about that sexual response. And we never give them an opportunity to learn any other response!
If a boy’s first and only exposure to female nudity is through pornography, why should we be surprised that his perspective of the female body is pornographic?
If we think that in this Internet-driven age that we can successfully avoid our sons’ exposure to any female nudity until they marry, we are severely deluded about our times. Our only real option is to teach the truth about female nudity instead.
If we don’t intentionally expose our sons to the truth, rest assured, pornography will expose them to the lie. If that happens, we lose by default.
(Thanks, FatherOf4 for the link to our website where we expose the lies that empower porn addiction!)
Pastor Ed
One additional comment…
I recently published a blog post that addresses this issue, and hopefully illustrates what the real problem is: http://mychainsaregone.org/blog/womens-beach-volleyball-aghhh-i-cant-look/
Pastor Ed
The idea that lust is an automatic response to physical features violates the the theology of Christ. Either Christ was not without sin (lust) or he was not tempted as we are. The woman caught in adultery (John 8) was caught in the act of adultery, so she wouldn’t have been wearing much and, in reference with adulterous woman in Ezekiel 16, would most likely be forcibly stripped. Jesus’ response to her is one of compassion, which he gives out to many others. If he can look at a scantily clad woman without lust, then I can do it. If he can look at a woman (naked or not) and see the woman, not her body parts, then I should as well.
– YW Pastor Martin
We don’t have kids yet, but are trying to think about these issues. I really enjoyed reading your blog, Pastor Ed. I think a change of mindset — getting at the heart of assumptions — as well as being able to have real conversations with our someday-kids will be really helpful. Thanks.
Pastor Ed, we are on the same page regarding a need for a change of mindset that assumed “lust” was an “automatic” response to the mere visual evidence that a woman has a feminine form.
First, I think we need a common understanding of the definition of “lust” because what is assumed to be “lust” in the comments may not be “lust” Can you provide a definition?
Second, I think we need to address that not everyone gets married. And marriage is not the “cure” for “lust.”
I think the problem we’re having in the comments is that this has become an A or B rather than an A AND B. Yes, boys need to be taught about the sacredness of sex, and about not sexualizing a woman’s body. But this can also be combined with some common sense things around the house–computers in a common area, parental controls on the computer, no wifi at night.
After all, the no wifi at night is helpful for a host of reasons, and not just this one.
But let’s face it: many people come across pornographic images INADVERTENTLY. I know I have many times. And when kids are just beginning to have sexual feelings, and that’s the first really sexual thing they see, it can be burned into the brain. No amount of teaching can compensate for that beforehand. And so it’s important to protect our kids AS WE CAN.
I’m not saying don’t do the other teaching; but to tell 12 and 13 year old kids, both boys and girls, that they shouldn’t sexualize the other gender, and that sex is sacred, but then leave them in a cesspool is not responsible parenting, either.
We don’t let our 4-year-olds play in the front yard by themselves because they may run into the street. We need to be diligent with our pre-teens, too. That’s what parenting is for.
So it’s not an either/or; it’s a both/and. That’s what I want parents to see!
Sheila, I appreciate what you’re saying here about “both/and,” but the fact of the matter is that the one is much more important than the other. Here’s what I mean…
If you manage to successfully eliminate every possible opportunity for exposure to pornography in your home, but you fail to teach your sons a wholesome and respectful understanding of the human body, clothed or not, they will still be easy prey for the allure of porn outside your home.
But if you teach them what the female form looks like, what it means, and how to treat a woman as a real person no matter how she is or isn’t dressed, then even if there are some unintended opportunities for exposure to porn in the home, the training in the truth of the meaning, beauty, and dignity of the female form will trump the lies that porn portrays, and they will not be sucked into it.
Yes, it is good to keep the gate and minimize perverse content as much as possible, but if we are trusting the gate more than the truth, we will not see the victory that we hope for.
Let me illustrate in my own life… I was raised in a very consistent and godly Christian Pastor’s home. I never saw any nudity, and had absolutely no opportunity… I had no sisters, and my mom was extremely “modesty-conscious.” But one day, when I was baby-sitting a boy next door, I found a pornographic magazine in that home. Let me tell you… the opportunity to see that female nudity was so vivid and unusual that I didn’t even think about not looking at it.
My very first exposure to female nudity was a pornographic magazine. And that is the WRONG place to learn about it.
But what if, instead, my mother had not been so concerned about me never seeing her? What if the sight of a woman’s body was just a normal part of home life growing up? Then, a porn magazine wouldn’t be offering me the tantalizing exposure to something “forbidden” that I had never seen before… but I would instead see it as a bunch of women flaunting their bodies for attention; something degrading; something insulting to them and to me.
By eliminating all natural and innocent exposure of the human body in our homes, we have ensured that the natural curiosity of children coupled with the naturally attractive beauty of the human form will draw them inexorably to the one source of human nudity where we are given the opportunity to really see it… pornography. It sure happened in my life.
I know these are bold and radical things to even suggest, but look around… the traditional approach to teaching about the human form isn’t working very well.
That rampant failure is why MCAG is calling people to a radically different understanding. We have learned that truth really does make us free (John 8:32) and we have personally experienced that freedom. What’s more, we are continuously hearing of astounding transformations in other people’s lives… men who have struggled against porn for years and years… radically and startlingly set free.
Thanks for raising the issue! It’s obviously a very real need among parents of young sons.
By HIS Grace,
Pastor Ed Martin
http://mychainsaregone.org
There’s a webinar this week from Route 15:20 that addresses some tools and resources for parents and their sons.
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Our world is Rated-R and no one is checking IDs. Pretending that it is Rated-G isn’t an effective strategy for chasing away the shadows.
Parenting in a Sex-Saturated Culture: Protecting Your Children from Porn and Perversion is a FREE webinar that will shed light on the current state of our pornified society. Discover today’s startling pornography statistics, tactics pornographers use to target our children, the latest laws governing sexting, and how to talk openly with your children about sex and sexuality. Strategies for helping children put what they see and hear into context will also be addressed.
To register for this FREE webinar, please click the link below:
https://ez102.infusionsoft.com/app/page/parentingwebinar
Keep the computer screen in a very public place where no secrets can hide:). Also, there are several types of filters out there that can help keep out a lot of junk.
But I also think its crucial to teach them WHY porn is so detrimental. It’s important to teach about how sacred sex is and what a wonderful thing it can be- and that is why porn is do dangerous- it takes something so beautiful and wonderful and twists it into something evil. I think it’s important to explain that porn destroys marriages. Teach our sons to protect their future wives by staying far away from it.
This comment just came through from a blog reader who reads by email. She emailed it in to me:
One of the best things you can do is to have the computer and television NOT in a bedroom. It needs to be in a public area like the living room or something. Bad things come from the corners of dark rooms. Oh and we use K9 web protection for all of our computers. You can limit what sites they are available to go to and when internet usage is allowed. Plus if a site is trying to be accessed it will block it. And either you or your husband can have the password so you must approve everything. WE LOVE IT!!! Oh and if you find something, talk about it. Even though it will be embarrassing, talking helps. Don’t BLOW UP because then they won’t come to you if they are struggling with something.
Sara
We have some friends who have dealt with this and subsequently have a ministry to help others with this. Here’s a link to a free webinar that is taking place tomorrow at noon CST…
https://ez102.infusionsoft.com/app/page/parentingwebinar. Their website also offers tips on keeping kids safe at http://www.route1520.com.
Thanks to FatherOf4 and Pastor Ed Martin I looked up the website “My Chains Are Gone”. And read the entire thing. I couldn’t stop reading! The Holy Spirit really ministered hope and truth to me through the articles featured. I couldn’t wait to share it with the adult men in my life, and I strongly encourage the rest of you to explore the website as well. May God set our husbands/wives/sons/daughters free!
Thank you, Sarah.
We are very grateful to you and others who help us get the word out. We have no budget and no marketing plan except for people like you who hear the truth and share it with others.
I hope that you’ll subscribe to the MCAG blog and perhaps even “like” us on Facebook. Then more people will have the chance to hear about the truth that set us free from the allure of porn.
Pastor Ed Martin
My husband and I discussed this early in our marriage, sharing what our sexual history was.
I grew up in a home that didn’t talk about sex. I didn’t think my parent ever did it. Instead, I found out about what sex looked like through romance novels and movies.
My husband grew up in a home where sex was not only discussed, but considered normal conversation. His dad spoke to his sons at length about what pornography and masterbation was. He knew his parents had sex regularly and that it was important in their marriage. He abstained from not only pornography, but also masterbation because his dad explained that while it wasn’t wrong, it can lead to wanting more. Though his brother did struggle with pornography, but it was an open discussion in their family and not hidden.
Now as a married woman who struggled with romance novels, I see that if my parents had been open and honest about sexuality, I probably would have been less inclined to discover answers where I did. My husband came into our marriage sexually whole, while I came with uncomfortable baggage and unrealistic expectations. in the long run, the short term gratification of both pornography and romance novels interfere with your ability to love fully and honestly. It takes the purity of sex and distorts it within your own mind. That is something that takes years to undo.
Thank you for that! It’s so important to keep open communication with our kids, and to model healthy behaviour.