I’m slightly an addict. I make myself wait until 11:30 everyday before I crack one open, and I limit myself to one. But by 10:45 I’m watching the clock.
I know I can live without it because when I’ve been on missions trips that are three weeks long, I’ve gone without. But it doesn’t stop the craving at home.
Why do I drink it? I don’t like coffee (I’ve tried every permutation available), but I love the caffeine. So this is my caffeine delivery method of choice. I know it’s bad for me: both the caffeine and the aspartame are horrendous. And I know one day I’ll have to stop. But for now it’s a short cut to get me what I want: namely energy.
I used that analogy last week in an unlikely place. I was asked at the last moment to be The Huffington Post Live webinar discussing 50 Shades of Divorce–or whether or not reading 50 Shades of Grey is bad for your marriage. They had four guests on–three were apparently pro-50 Shades, and then little ole’ me.
I was quite nervous going into the segment. It’s one thing to talk about all of this stuff on the blog; it’s another thing entirely to go on a huge website and talk LIVE about it, surrounded by people who totally don’t agree with what you’re saying. I said to my kids, “I guess I’m just nervous about looking like a fool,” to which they replied, “You’re a Christian. You’re supposed to look like a fool.” I raised them well.
It turns out that it wasn’t nearly as antagonistic as I feared. The host was very fair, and actually asked me a number of direct questions (and even showed a screenshot of my blog! It turns out that the reason they asked me was because of this post I wrote a while back: Why 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage). And one of the other guests had read it but thought it was gross, and so she wasn’t exactly pro-50 Shades.
The marriage counselor they had on, though, kept saying things like, “isn’t it wonderful how couples are getting different things out of the book? Some love it and some hate it, but they’re communicating! And that’s the main thing. Couples need to find what they’re comfortable with.”
It was kinda wishy washy. I know what she was saying was that communication matters so much, and couples just need to find their own equilibrium. But this idea that there is nothing that is wrong unless you think it is wrong grates on me.
And then I picked up my Diet Pepsi can, and tried to explain my main point.
“I know this is bad for me in the long run, but I’m looking for a quick fix. And that’s what couples do with erotica and porn. It’s bad for them in the long run, but they’re looking for a short-cut to arousal. And while it may work to get them aroused, it isn’t building intimacy. They’re turned on by porn, not by their spouse. And ultimately that hinders intimacy.”
Okay, I didn’t say it that well. But that was my point.
Unfortunately it seemed like the last word was the marriage counselor’s, who said, “porn is great! If both parties like it, it’s great. If one doesn’t like it, you shouldn’t use it.” She was a really nice woman, and we exchanged some wonderful pleasantries beforehand. But I just don’t agree with her here.
Porn isn’t great. It wrecks marriages. And we deceive ourselves if we think otherwise.
If you want to see the webinar (it was about 25 minutes long) it’s right here.
Overall, it was a neat experience. I told the producers if they ever needed a counter cultural voice again to call me.
Meanwhile, I received a note through my Facebook Page last week that said this:
I just wanted to send you this message to say THANK-YOU. You’re books and blogs help my marriage in so many ways and my husband and I are already seeing the benefits
I also wanted to add that I am not a religious person and that you have still helped me and my family in many many ways.
I really hope that even non religious and those with opposing religious beliefs, who find themselves in need of advice for their marriage come across your wonderful words of wisdom because although some parts may not be of everyone’s beliefs, I think a true understanding of the sexes needs to be established before any real changes can be made and seen in a marriage and this is something you have given me, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Thank-you so much. I look forward to reading many many more of your books and blog.
That absolutely made my day. I think what I say is timeless, because God’s truth is truth, even if you aren’t religious. I believe God created us, and so what He has to say about the sexes is true. And it should ring true even if you don’t believe in God. Obviously that’s what this woman found.
Those two episodes together have really given me a nudge to think that perhaps I “preach to the choir” too much. That doesn’t mean I’m going to change this blog; not at all. But maybe I need to stop being so scared to step out of my Christian blogging bubble and start writing guest posts on secular sites. Maybe I need to approach the secular media more. My agent’s always saying that, but I’ve been hesitant. But like my kids said, I’m supposed to look like a fool.
But this truth is timeless:
And it needs to get out there.
Any thoughts?
[adrotate group=”28″]
Thanks for the webinar link – I’m going to listen later today. Yes, the message needs to get it there, especially to counsellors. I had one advise me to use erotica to help with low libido. I did not follow her advice and instead chose to deal with root causes. Low libido is no longer an issue for me. She also said that the presence of porn in my childhood home would have been ok if my father had just talked to me about it instead of leaving it around everywhere in plain sight. Complete hogwash!
Oh, my goodness! Yes, that is hogwash. My husband’s a doctor and in medical school they taught them that if a couple was having problems with libido they should counsel them to watch porn together. Wow, people are naive.
Just listened – you did great! It would seem that you’re already “out there” in the secular world and that is a good thing. BTW, counsellor mentioned above said she’s going to buy your book & read it after I told her it helped me. Forgot to mention that part!
My pastor always tells us that gong to church is the locker room and the world is our playing field. I think you should absolutely go to the secular world and preach your message because God’s ways benefit society whether they believe in God or not. He made us and knows what is best for us.
Lori – you are so very right. Jesus came to save EVERYONE – and everyone deserves to have the right to access the benefits contained in this blog and Sheila’s books. They may or may not accept it – but that is their choice…
When friends ask if I’ve read this series I tell them no. They are always quick to add, it’s so good you’ll love it. I promptly say “I’m a believer of garbage in, garbage out. Smutty books are garbage, even when recommended my Dr. Oz. I will stick to my beloved classics and Christian Fiction where the men love women and treat them like ladies.” I can not believe how many Christian women are reading this junk! I’m more turned on by a gentleman, a man who is classy and treats me like gold, that man is my husband!
“I think what I say is timeless, because God’s truth is truth, even if you aren’t religious. I believe God created us, and so what He has to say about the sexes is true. And it should ring true even if you don’t believe in God. Obviously that’s what this woman found.”
Yes! God owns the results; we don’t. All we have to do is speak the truth in love. I know that’s easier said than done when you’re literally outnumbered in a group of people, but you have the truth on your side!
And FWIW, it can be scary sharing the truth or your own testimony even in a ministry setting or Adult Bible Fellowship where your coworkers/class are all believers (fear of criticism/judgmental thoughts). But having done this a couple of times, it’s always worth it in the end.
1. the choir needs a preacher
2. maybe writing on secular sites will lead people here and make them think about God, this echoes a comment above about the locker room and wider world
Seeing a marriage counselor engage in relativism scares the everloving bejeebers out of me. There IS right and wrong. There IS black and white – not gray in between. Ha, I just realized the irony of that book being titled “…Shades of Grey”, because that’s what it is. We’re looking for the nondescript shades of gray between right and wrong. But THERE ARE NO SHADES. Right is right and wrong is wrong, and this world would be a much better place if the people who are supposed to help us would pony up and acknowledge it instead of giving in to the mamby-pamby attitude of relativism.
Me, too, Melissa! Actually if you look at the titles of the 50 Shades series it really is very interesting. 50 Shades of Grey. 50 Shades Darker. First we think it’s all right; then we get drawn into what’s darker. It’s scary.
I know we would have been tempted to try pornography if it weren’t for your book and your blog, I think you’re doing a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it.
Great job, Sheila! I’ve never even read an excerpt of 50 Shades and have no desire to even look that way. I’m not sure why people think this is a good idea for marriage but anything causing me to think about anyone in a sexual way, other than my husband, is definitely not for me. Good on you for sharing that.
Yes, you should get out there more! The secular world needs to hear your message just as much as the Christian world does!! Many blessings to you in that journey!
Sheila I have to commend you on your courage to step up for that. And YES, I encourage you to step out as a voice in the secular realm. You are articulate and speak with wisdom. Most of all you are in touch with today’s culture and will be received. Maybe you can get on “The View” like Rachel Held Evans! The kingdom of God is like yeast – and we need more Kingdom yeast in the world especially in this area.
Also, I just want to thank you for giving me the heads up about 50 shades well before it became so pervasive. I was prepared when it started coming at me from every which way and did not get sucked in.
I’d love to see you in the secular media. Could you imagine writing this article for Cosmo? Id say since your target is MARRIED couples, it might be more appropriate in Redbook as I consider that the married woman’s Cosmo mag!
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your 29 days series. Love the 31 Days eBook! It got put to good use this past weekend! I’d say pray on it and see where God is leading you..God bless you!
Sheila,
Thank you for being willing to be a voice speaking the message of truth in this world. I am excited to see how God continues to use you and what platforms he gives you. Well done! Thanks for letting God speak through you.
You could do SO much good in the secular world!!! Go for it!
I was so proud of you! I really thought you got the last word. I LOVE being out there in the secular marketplace. Join me on the wild side. hahaha People are so hungry for unconditional love. It’s our privilege to go to them and demonstrate goodness that we got by grace. They might not agree, but they can’t argue with being loved.
I definitely agree! You should write on non-Christian blogs. You are right that everyone benefits from God’s truths even if they are not choosing to follow Him because they are right and they are the best plan for us. So, using your gifts and calling in that way may even help bring people to Him. Don’t be afraid. You can’t do it but He certainly can!!
So, on another message board that I frequent, a woman came along asking for Christian marriage advice. I referred her to your blog and Courtney’s over at Women Living Well. I hope she comes here for the advice she seeks and that it blesses her marriage as it has mine.
I guess I think people who believe a book is bad for the world should read the book first. I have read all three books and I didn’t find them pornographic. I am actually more troubled by watching daytime TV. In my personal opinion, most of that is more damaging to marriages.
By that logic, we can’t criticize ANY porn unless we’ve watched it. But what if porn is just simply wrong? And books that are designed to arouse and that are sexually explicit are erotica, and therefore soft porn.
I understand that not everyone agrees, but that is most definitely my opinion. I tell my girls not to read erotica, but should they read a book first to find out if it’s erotica before staying away from it? That doesn’t really make much sense. If excerpts are online, and people explain why it’s pornographic, and give good detail as to why, then I think it’s safe to assume that we should steer clear without having to read it ourselves!
I read the books. ONLY because I was able to borrow them from a friend and read them during my recovery from surgery. I’d say they were very graphic and definitely pornographic. The story was also poorly written. That said, I have NO interest in seeing the movie that they plan to make.
@ Joy: As someone stated years ago, you don’t need to climb down into a sewer and “investigate” it to know you shouldn’t be there. The stench is warning enough. Having been rescued from porn and erotica, I can tell you that book is a sewer just from the stench.
Wow, that’s awesome that you were invited to join that webinar and able to provide a godly voice in the midst of that! Good for you. (I’d have been totally scared!) Several Christian bloggers whom I admire have spoken out against 50 Shades of Grey. It’s not something I would ever read, but I think when the world is pushing it and making it sound good, it can be hard to understand why not. We need voices like yours. So thank you.
Thank you for standing up for the truth! How else will the world hear the truth?
P.S. I think your Pepsi example was right on target!
It’s easy to stay in the areas where it’s safe and we don’t risk a lot, but Jesus said it was the sick who need a doctor. So I think if you get the opportunity to be out there speaking into a lost world (where everyone might not agree with you) you must share what God has given you. Be salt and light, Sister in Christ. I am proud to be your sister!
I get your posts emailed to me so I usually don’t leave comments. But this post is RIGHT ON, and I echo all the other comments here. I definitely think you should “go secular” because you never know who you can reach and bring to God by speaking up!
THANK YOU for each and every post. For the first time in our 10 years of marriage my husband and I had a frank discussion about our sex life and it was so refreshing! I don’t think I would have felt comfortable being as open with him about how I feel without your guidance over the past year. I don’t remember how I stumbled across your blog, but I’m grateful I did.
Porn does destroy marriages and that 50 shades of grey book angers me and I echo your words. I wrote about the book myself and pornography in general a while back when done young christian friends were wondering if they should read it. I got mostly positive feedback but also some saying it had helped their marriage and they are so blind. They just don’t get it. I think it is awesome you had the chance to give the right perspective on the book.
Sheila – you go girl! Secular media needs a voice like yours to stir things up and get people using their heads again. Some Christian women seem to be turning a blind eye to what they know is right so they can ‘check out’ what all the excitement is about. I don’t let my husband view porn (he struggled as a teen with it), so why is it ok for us women to read porn or watch a strip movie? Read the book of Soloman if you need some erotica! Keep up the great advice!
Love your comment about the difference between making love and sex! That statement summed it all up for me!