Christian Marriage Advice

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all can either comment or link up your own marriage post below!

Everyday I receive so many heart breaking emails from women in dire straits in their relationships (I’m sorry if I haven’t gotten back to  you yet. I try to answer my emails, but I’m really inundated right now).

I firmly believe that it is lonelier to be an unhappy marriage than it is to be alone. There is a unique kind of loneliness when you feel that the person who is supposed to love you and care for you doesn’t. It hurts. Badly.

Help for Those in Hurting Marriages
Yet I also believe that one reason it hurts so much is because of the “Myth of Marriage” that our culture has, and that Christians, perhaps, have propagated. And that myth goes something like this:

In this life, the best happiness you will ever experience will be feeling like one with your soulmate. Nothing is as fulfilling as to love and be loved in return. When we feel completely intimate, we reach a high that nothing else can compare to. And all of us can experience that, with the right person. Indeed, that is God’s will for us: that our marriage will mirror what He feels for us, and that we will feel completely and utterly completed in our marriage.

I have to admit that I talk like this sometimes, especially because I do have a good marriage. And I do believe that relationships are supposed to reflect Christ.

But here’s where the danger comes in: we start to believe that the GOAL of this life is to achieve that kind of oneness, that kind of happiness. And when we don’t have it, we figure that we’re missing out on something so dear that our lives will never be complete. Maybe it would be better to start again! Or, if we do stick with the marriage, we know that we are sacrificing God’s real will for our lives; we know that we will never have the kind of life that we deserve.

I think that’s a misunderstanding of both the role of marriage and the purpose of our lives.

We are on this earth to learn to hear God’s voice, to obey that voice, and to lead other people to that voice. That is all. We are on this earth to decide to follow Christ, and to start living that out. That is what we will be doing in eternity.

As such, even if you don’t have a great marriage, you can still completely fulfill your purpose. Look at all the people around the world who live in horrific circumstances! Christians are imprisoned for their faith. People spend decades in prison camps. People live without food. Orphans grow up on the streets. We have it so easy here that if our biggest problem is that we have a bad marriage, we’re actually doing pretty well. Life is full of hardship.

But that’s only to be expected, because God never promised that our reward would be in this life. In fact, Jesus said that those who had easy lives had received their rewards in this life; other people’s rewards were still to come.

And that’s what we often miss: this is not your real life. This is not all there is. Heaven is our home, and it is heaven that we should be looking forward to. Sometimes the wait between now and heaven is really difficult, but in the light of eternity it is only a blink of an eye. And as Paul wrote in Romans 8:18:

For I know that the sufferings of this present time are not even worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us.

Our hope is in heaven, not in this life. So if life isn’t perfect, that’s okay. It just gives you a longing for heaven that God wants you to have.

I believe that we have made marriage into an idol. This is partly a reaction to families falling apart all around us; the church responded by trying to boost marriage, and by saying how wonderful and fulfilling it can be, all of which is true. But let’s never forget that our hope is not in our husbands; our hope is in Jesus.

Yes, it is possible to have a great marriage. And it is possible to turn a difficult marriage around. But marriage is not the main thing we should be living for, and marriage is not the source of our hope. God is.

So if  you’re in a difficult place right now, let me reassure you that what you are experiencing is not all there is. This life is eighty plus years, if you’re lucky. The life that is coming is forever. This life is full of hardships; the life that is coming is full of joy. This life is rooted in the here and now; in the life that is coming, you will talk to saints from all generations. You will know a heap of new friends. You will experience true intimacy that you have never dreamed of.

Yes, life is hard, but God never promised that it wouldn’t be. What He did promise was that no matter how hard it was, He would carry us, from this life to the next. And perhaps if we kept our eyes on things that were eternal, rather than on things that were temporary, we’d have a better perspective on marriage, life, and everything!

There is hope, ladies. But that hope is not in your marriage; that hope is in God. And He is faithful. Looking forward to heaven is not a crutch; it is simply basing your hope on a reality. So don’t feel like you have failed, or that God has failed you, if your life is not perfect or if you are lonely here. This is not all there is, and Jesus is already preparing a place for  you.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Or has God ever really comforted you with the hope of heaven? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below!

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

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