What does “Do Not Deprive” really mean when it comes to sex?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage post in the linky below, or comment on what I’ve written.
For the last two days I’ve been writing about the meaning of 1 Corinthians 7:5:
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
On Monday I argued that “do not deprive” is not the same as “do not refuse”, and shouldn’t be interpreted to mean that a spouse is under obligation to make love each and every time their spouse wants to. “Do not deprive” should not be used as a weapon.
Then yesterday I argued the other side: “do not deprive” means we should be aiming for the maximum of sexual activity and fulfillment, not the minimum.
Today I want to try to reconcile those two.
I don’t think it’s wishy washy to say that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Isn’t that so with most of Christianity? The Bible presents us with plenty of dichotomies: grace vs. works; free will vs. predestination; justice vs. mercy. These dichotomies give us pause to wrestle with them and wrestle with God and come to know Him better in the process.
And so we come to today’s dichotomy: self-control and passion.
Both are of God. Neither is better than the other. And in most marriages, one spouse leans more towards self-control, and one spouse leans more towards passion.
Why didn’t God make us both the same?
Well, let’s pretend for a minute that He gave both of us super high sex drives. What would happen? We’d have sex all the time, but we wouldn’t necessarily work on communication, or intimacy, or vulnerability, or trust. We wouldn’t need to! We’d both have such high drives that we could get our needs met without any of that other stuff getting in the way. So we’d have rather shallow lives.
And if he made us both with tremendous self-control, so that we really didn’t desire very much ever, then we’d live rather solitary lives, and again we wouldn’t work on communication, and selflessness, and intimacy, and trust.
Personally, I think that communication and selflessness and intimacy and vulnerability are all pretty good things in a marriage. And here’s how the whole thing works:
The higher libido spouse feels as if they aren’t getting their needs met, and so they feel deprived. They may emotionally pull back a little. The lower libido spouse then feels that emotional distance and doesn’t like it, causing them to pull back. Both spouses have now pulled back.
Many marriages get stuck there. Both spouses hunker down, sure that they’re right, and nothing ever improves.
But that’s an awfully uncomfortable place to be. Not only are you not getting your needs met; you know that you’re losing your emotional connection. You get lonely. So what do you do?
In an ideal world, you decide to put your own needs on hold for a minute and reach out to your spouse. You start connecting emotionally. You even start connecting more sexually. You reach out where you can in order to bridge the gap.
But reaching out means that we’re going against our natural instincts. If we’re naturally more self-controlled, we’re trying to develop more passion. If we’re naturally more passionate, we’re trying to develop more self-control. And at the same time we’re developing selflessness, because we’re focused on how to meet our spouse’s need, not on how to meet ours.
That’s how God designed marriage! He didn’t design it to be easy, or we wouldn’t become selfless.
He didn’t design a joining of two identical people, or we wouldn’t need to grow.
But God’s whole purpose for us is to grow and become more selfless and more Christlike. And marriage is one of His vehicles for making us holier, not just happier. I do believe that marriage can make us extremely happy, but I think the point of marriage is that it first makes us holy.
So if you’re in a marriage where you have a major libido difference, don’t look at your spouse and say, “if only he would grow up and stop being so shallow!”, or “if only she would reach out and stop being so frigid.” Don’t look at your spouse at all. Instead, look at God. And ask Him to help you become more Christlike.
Our response to this problem must always be to look at God, not to try to change our spouse. Nowhere in Scripture does it say that we should demand our rights if we’re not getting what we deserve. That’s why “Do not deprive” should never be used as a weapon; it goes against everything Scripture is for. Scripture focuses on servanthood, not on tyranny.
But nowhere in Scripture does it also say that we can use God’s word to justify ourselves so that we don’t need to change, either. It doesn’t say, “if you’re in the right, you can just sit there and not do anything and act all righteous.” No, it says, “in as much as it is up to you, live at peace with all.” We are to do what is up to us. So if you feel your spouse is unreasonable, you don’t have an excuse to act justified about withholding love or affection.
Look to God instead of justifying yourself. Try this:
God, I know you’re a God of passion. You made incredible beauty. You created us with the capacity for such deep emotion and such deep intimacy. I want to live life abundantly, and I’m scared I’m missing out. Please give me a taste of your passion. Help make me more passionate in my marriage.
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Or
God, I know that you created us to be more than our passions. You created us to love you first and foremost. Help me to learn to lean on you when I feel as if I’m not getting my sexual needs met. Help me to grow in passion for you even if I feel a lack of passion in my marriage.
Use your differences to drive you to God, not to point out all the flaws in your spouse!
Maybe God actually wants to change YOU. Maybe God actually wants you to grow and lean on Him more and live a more abundant, trusting life.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t areas that your spouse needs to grow, too, and you certainly need to talk to your spouse about this. But I still believe that the reason that God made us differently is so that we would be drawn to Him.
Look, people, I have seen this verse used as a weapon against spouses. And I have seen other spouses simply withdraw and withhold affection and sex from their spouses. Neither extreme is right.
So today, can you take this challenge: whichever area you need to grow in, whether it’s passion or self-control, can you commit to God to praying about it and practising it? Trying to “put on” passion when you’re not used to it may feel fake, but don’t shy away from it! God is a passionate God; He wants to help you. And trying to exercise self-control when you feel rejected is hard; but God is also a God who is used to being rejected. We all have areas to grow in; instead of seeing all the things that your spouse is doing wrong, can you commit to growing in this area? That’s what God really wants from you (even if He also wants the same of your spouse).
Note: If your spouse is completely withholding sex, I have written about this here.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
AMEN! And finally, a Christian marriage blogger who points to Christ!!
It took nearly 3 years of infrequent, one-sided sex for my to break. Hubby asked what was wrong and I told him. You know what he did? He went from one sided, all about him sex to NO sex whatsoever!! I was crushed!! I spent hours online reading on Christian marriage blogs how wrong he was, how justified I was, how great I was for being a sex positive wife instead of one if these “headache wives,” and I was told all the rules, boundaries and demands I had the right to enforce. I knew none of it would work and would only drive a wedge deeper into our marriage. I stopped reading Boundaries in Marriage. Instead, I fell before the Lord and cried out to Him endlessly. He guided me. He strengthened me. And before hubby returned to the marriage bed fulfilling my/our sexual needs, he returned to the marriage filling all my other needs. He became an amazing husband outside the bedroom.
You know what happened? Instead of me focusing on wanting sex with.him to fulfill my needs because I was deprived for so long, I wanted to make live with him because I was falling deeply in love with him again. It was a desire for mutuality, to share and expand upon this new intimacy we had outside the bedroom. And this time His was at the core of it, at least for me. Just 6 days after he laid down the no sex ultimatum, and I surrendered to the will of God to love hubby anyway and say no to sex, too….a mutual fast….hubby surprised me by breaking the fast with mutually satisfying, beautiful love making. Not sex, but true love making with foreplay, my O, intercourse, his O, and cuddling/talking/intimacy building afterwards.
We’ve been torn apart again by his job and the temptations and lies of the enemy creep in. Before he left, sex was again one sided and I want to hold on to fear and bitterness about it even though.i believe God allowed it to be one sided as my assurance to hubby that it isn’t all about me, either AND for God to do a further work in me (and hubby). This reminds me….I will see him in several days. Hubby comes home for a very short time…I better start preparing in prayer!
Frankly, I think your husband just initiated really good two sided sex after not having any sex so he could fulfill his own needs, after a period of deprivation, because he knew you wouldn’t be interested in a repeat of his one sided attempts. He has not truly changed his perspective. Sex is still selfish for him, and while you may submit in prayer and change, he still needs to make a similar journey before things really permanently change
Great post, Sheila! 🙂 C.S. Lewis said, and I paraphrase, that “the devil always sends out errors in pairs, so that by trying to avoid one extreme, we commit the opposite extreme.” And Martin Luther said something like, “The Devil doesn’t care whether you fall to the left or the right, as long as you don’t stay in the saddle.” It’s just like you said: Christianity is very much about balance – coming together in the middle – staying on the saddle.
I find when I read the Bible (and this is really fascinating too) that for every verse that seems an extreme stance, there is another verse to counter-balance it – without contradiction! That’s why legalism is so damaging in the church (truth without grace, etc). 🙂 Thanks for the food for thought!
I really love those quotations, Bekah! Thank you for adding them. I’m going to chew on them a little.
Kind of off-topic here, but you referred to Christianity being a balance of works and grace, and I’m not sure I know what you mean by that, since Eph. 2 emphasizes the totality of grace in the Christian’s life. Could you elaborate?
James 2:20–faith without works is dead. So while we’re saved through faith, it isn’t true faith if it isn’t accompanied by works. And that’s always a fine theological balance!
I completely agree; I guess I would just word it differently to avoid insinuating that works are necessary for salvation. Keep up the good work!
I’m going to disagree a little bit. We are saved completely through the grace of Christ. When we have completely accepted Christ we want to become as much like him as possible. We want to show everyone charity and love because Christ did. We feel his awesome love and do our best to share our love. One of our goals should be to live so that those who know us, but don’t know Christ, will want to know Christ because they know us.
As far as this post goes; I agree that many things in life are a balancing act. I read part of this set of posts to my hubby and he hadn’t ever put together what that scripture meant. It lead to an interesting, loving discussion.
Thank you for giving me ideas and inspiring me to be better.
You’re so welcome, Carrie! And I agree with everything you said theologically; there is a dichotomy presented in the Bible between grace and works. Sometimes I think we emphasize grace too much, as if to say that it doesn’t matter how a person acts. The Bible actually says “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” It is not that we aren’t saved by grace; it’s only that if there is no struggle between grace and works, then we are definitely missing a large piece of the puzzle.
Thanks, Annie!
When I with-hold it hurts him. Why would I want to hurt him? Isn’t this submission? Loving him enough to please him. And then finding that I receive pleasure too and am. blessed. We are closer. We are one. I could control. He could insist. But neither of those helps our marriage. Surprise him and say yes. Every time
Over at themarriagebed.com, I am not surprised at the volume of men specifically, who want their wives to initiate. What does surprise me is that it is not nearly as often expressed about how they simply would like a “yes”, in response to their initiation. Perhaps that is just implicit. To me, while I have appreciated initiation, it was far more important to get the “yes” in response to my (yes, I’ll say it) leadership. Oh, if it is a breathless “yes”…extra points. 🙂
I especially like your comment about not not looking at the other spouse and not trying to change them, but instead, asking God to change us. In all my years of marriage counseling, I’ve seen countless people who have blamed their spouses for their problems, and very few who were willing to take responsibility for their own actions and attitudes. Yet, when we go to God to complain about our spouse, He deals with us about us. That should tell us something.
The greatest test of Christian character is marriage. Sadly, if there is anyone who we are likely to act un-christlike to, it’s our spouse. They often get the worst from us, instead of the best. Why is that? Because when we are around others, we are careful about how we present ourselves, but when we are at home, we let our guards down. Sadly, what we find when we let our guard down is not all that attractive.
God desires for all of us to become more and more Christ-like. One of the tools He uses for this is our spouse. The differences we have between us, even the sexual differences, are part of that process. Our irritation at how our spouse is different than we are, is an indication that we haven’t gotten there yet.
Amen. Our spouse sees the worst of us. And when they call us out on it, we should really consider if our response is Christ-like or Self-like. God can speak through our spouses mouth. We need to listen.
More terrific reminders, Sheila.
“But reaching out means that we’re going against our natural instincts. …If we’re naturally more passionate, we’re trying to develop more self-control. And at the same time we’re developing selflessness, because we’re focused on how to meet our spouse’s need, not on how to meet ours.”
“…nowhere in Scripture does it also say that we can use God’s word to justify ourselves so that we don’t need to change, either. It doesn’t say, “if you’re in the right, you can just sit there and not do anything and act all righteous.” No, it says, “in as much as it is up to you, live at peace with all.” We are to do what is up to us. So if you feel your spouse is unreasonable, you don’t have an excuse to act justified about withholding love or affection.”
Thank you!!!
You’re welcome!
Another great post, Sheila – this mini-series has been so helpful! My husband and I both lean more towards the self-control side with respect to the bedroom, and so it has been a challenge for both of us to move more over to the passionate side and get our intimate life on track (I can’t even say back on track, because it was never really there to begin with). I’ve been reading your blog and books over the past year for inspiration and encouragement, and it has helped me so much for deal with my sexual baggage and other issues surrounding intimacy.
However, lately I’ve found myself feeling really frustrated and panicky because our progress has been so slow and my husband doesn’t/didn’t seem to be all that enthusiastic about making up for lost time. This series has helped me to take a deep breath and reallize that we have made real progress and it’s OK to take things slow – there’s a lot of damage to rebuild! Thanks for giving me/us hope as well as the reminder that we are not in this alone, that He will be with us every step of the way.
Awesome, Meg! I’m glad I could be an encouragement.
Sheila – Great finish! I agree that self-control and passion and are two sides of the same coin, and if we have only half we don’t have what God intended.
Like Bekah I thought of C.S. Lewis. Satan does not care which error we follow as long as we follow an error! Ther singe having sex, the couple not having sex, the husband being sexually selfish, the wife often saying no, it all serves his end.
I especially like “Use your differences to drive you to God …” and the idea that God might want to change ME rather than my spouse.
Thanks for your encouragement, Paul!
I have loved this series, Sheila. I think this is the perfect round-up and I have also noticed the trend in scripture to balance two points of view (ie- grace and works). I’ve never actually read a Christian blogger mention it before. The nuanced approach that you’ve taken here is a breath of fresh air.
Thank you so much, Amber! Glad you thought that I achieved my goal.
I do believe that the scripture literally means do not deprive each other. My body is his and his is mine. HOWEVER, I also know that love means that I prefer my husband above my needs and he prefers mine above his. This means that if I want sex at 3:00 a.m. and he is sound asleep, although he will give it to me, love says that I know he needs his sleep and I will not wake him. So I think it’s a two way road where selflessness is put above all.
You’re correct. I agree with you 100%.
Loved how you pointed out how our differences make us grow together! Great post!
This series is perfection! I don’t know if I have seen better advice for a Christian marriage than this. I know God has his plan, but if the Bible were as clear as this series of posts many more people would “get it”. Thanks for ALL your work.
Great post and really made me thiink.
The King James version says, ” that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer;…” So, is the real question how long can we fast from food because Paul was not saying to fast from sex here.?
I wrote on this here: But I Don’t Want To Fast >
http://marriagefire.blogspot.com/2012/10/but-i-dont-want-to-fast.html
God bless,
Steve
I don’t think the spectrum is passion vs self control at all.
In my marriage, I’m the one with all the passion and all the self control. I constantly have to have the self control with everything, including desire. I’m the one who went without sex for a decade after I lost my first husband before marrying my second husband – I have extreme self control.
My second husband has neither passion nor self control. He is not interested in sex – but has no self control in any area of his life he is interested in. He spends constantly on things we can’t afford if they interest him. He constantly says inappropriate things and can’t control his temper. If he had even the slightest interest in sex, he’d have no self control.
It’s frustrating because I’m the one who has to have perfect self control, and I have no problem with being able to do this other than feeling it is unfair, and he has no self control and no passion.
I have to constantly control my passion, but he never even tries to have any self control over his lack of passion. I grow tired of being rejected for sex over and over.
So no… the dichotomy is not passion vs self control. It is passion vs no passion. Self control is another spectrum altogether.
This series is perfection! I don’t know if I have seen better advice for a Christian marriage than this. I know God has his plan, but if the Bible were as clear as this series of posts many more people would “get it”. Thanks for ALL your work.
Hi,
Just stumbled across this site. What a breath of fresh air! I have been reading the marriage bed forums and became thoroughly depressed at the way peole on there want their “rights” and talk about sexual refusal like it’s the unforgivable sin! I would really love to pm you about this more as I could really do with some support on this subject. Thank you for opening up those verses a little wider!
I stumbled on your blog a while back and have come back a few times since. Always really good stuff. Great job on the series from 1 Cor.7:5. I’m a pastor and Bible teacher and appreciate the accurate use of the Word. I think you explained both sides of the issue well and skilfully pointed to the ultimate goal. Great work. Thank you!
LOVE this series! My husband & I have been discussing how we see so many Christian marriages that fit this mold — husbands give my husband the advice to control me and our sex life, wives tell me that I must submit in all aspects including the bedroom. As a survivor of sexual assault, I have been upfront with my husband from day 1 — I cannot be forced into any sexual situation. Period. We have the unpopular view in our community that I am so relieved to find expressed in this three part series here!! Thank you for writing this! And your wisdom!!!
You’re so welcome, Rachel! Love and grace really should rule both partners in marriage, not control or manipulation.
Nicely written. 😉
I think this issue is the white elephant in most Christian marriages. There are far too many sexless marriages in the church today. This should not be so, and your article is clear about the biblical picture and the reason for the intimacy that God’s word tells us to be careful to maintain. Love between man and wife covers over a multitude of sins (and issues) in a very good way, and puts things back in perspective.
I meet with a group of men who are dealing with various sexual addictions from pornography to affairs. Many of these men are years into sobriety and now living with purity, yet almost none of them are having sex with their wives.
I understand how devastating it can be to a wife or husband to find out there has been some form of unfaithfulness, and these things have to be dealt with carefully, patiently, biblically, and with Holy Spirit’s help to restore trust and heal the wounds. There is usually a need to fast, pray, and put down our needs for a time and for the greater good of the marriage. That DOES NOT mean it is okay to maintain a sexless marriage or live like roommates for the rest of that marriage. Humble yourself, fight through, pray for a miracle, and seek God to heal a completely restore the physical love needed in your marriage! Otherwise you’ll have less than what God intended for you both.
Yes, I agree. If you’re going to decide not to have sex ever, then you really should decide just to leave. If someone has repented and done the work to show they’re trustworthy, then at some point you need to decide, “am I going to truly stay in this marriage? Or am I only here in name only?”