40 Comments

1. Kim Shay on October 25, 2012 at 10:52 am

   I think this is really wise of you. In addition to not having the time to answer each one, there is so much about each situation that cannot be known strictly by email and it is always ultimately best to have counsel from someone who knows us as real, live people.

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   • Sheila on October 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

     So true, Kim! And that’s why, in my emails, I always told people to find a mentor or a pastor. You can’t really give firm advice when you only know one side of the story, too.

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     • Kim Shay on October 25, 2012 at 2:52 pm

       The internet has been good for some people to find help, but not always good for others who may need the face to face counsel, but are afraid to ask. One of those good and not so good scenarios.

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2. Lisa Maria on October 26, 2012 at 7:10 am

   Sheila, as one of those people whose e-mail you HAVE responded to…I just want to say thank you and I appreciate your taking time out of your busy schedule to respond. The overwhelming amount of emails you receive is testimony to how many people value the work you do. May God bless all of your ventures and you and your family.

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3. Mary on December 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

   I’m in serious trouble. For the past 6 years my husband has lost all desire for me. I had breast cancer and treatments 6 years ago, and ever since then he has no interest in me. I had complete reconstuction, and I think I look pretty fine, but he’s just not interested. He says it’s his libido, but he’s asked the doctor about it, and evidently the doc says there’s nothing to cause that. We’re both 60, and we’ve been married for 10 years. I enjoy sex tremendously, and I’m quite disappointed to think there might be no more for me the rest of my life with him. He used to be a decent lover, but he says I’ve changed since my cancer, and NOT for the good. I appreciate my life more, now, and I like to do things with my family. He would prefer to watch TV, golf, or bowl, and he does those all without me. It’s like I’m not really needed by him at all. He’s quite a lot overweight, but on the rare occasions when I’ve initiated a tryst, he seems to be fine. I’ve told him that in order for me to feel desired or wanted, he needs to initiate. During my cancer treatment he wasn’t very supportive during the treatment time after the surgery. He preferred to leave me home alone and go be with his friends. I was VERY sick for nearly a year. I’m doing fine now, but the vestiges of that time seem to stay with him. Anytime now, when I get sick, he makes fun of me, or finds something else to do. I’m not in a position to leave, mostly for financial reasons. I depend on him, and he really could do just fine without me. We’ve gone to counseling several times, and it helps for a little while, but then everything deteriorates again. I’m nearly at the end of my rope…I need some closeness. Thanks for any insights you could give me. He won’t read the books the counselor has suggested in the past, so don’t suggest book reading, ok?

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4. Annette on January 6, 2013 at 5:13 pm

   I hope someone can give me some advice on what I should do I just found out my husband is seeing someone he meet at work she is a customer. He said he does not want to stop seeing this women because he feels something for her and he does not want to leave his home with me. Its as if he wants both her and his family. I asked him to go see a consuler with me so we can work this out. We have been married for 28 years. He said he is afraid to leave me for her because he will loose me. I don’t know what to do. Make him leave and wait to see what happens or let him stay and hope he will stop seeing her. I have talked to two of my best friends. One says to make him leave and the other says to give it some time and he will come to his senses. I am hurting so bad right now I don’t know what to do.

   Please help

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   • Sheila on January 7, 2013 at 8:15 am

     Annette, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I have heard similar things from many women–the husband doesn’t know what he wants to do, so he strings both women along. I’d say read James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough, and then tell your husband he has to choose. You can’t keep a marriage by being a doormat and allowing him to start an affair. He has to bear the consequences of his actions. I hope that helps! I’ve said a prayer for you.

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     • Annette on January 7, 2013 at 10:40 pm

       Thank you for your advice and prayers.

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5. Megan on February 22, 2013 at 4:55 pm

   Hi Shelia!
   I saw your blog recommended and subsequently the “Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex” about the time I began dating my fiancé. I immediately bookmarked the book on Amazon for future reference…and now the future is here. Our wedding is March 9 so I ordered the book after Valentine’s Day and just finished reading it. I just had to thank you SO much for writing it!! I love your style, it was so reassuring. I’d begun to be disappointed in all my reading about the honeymoon and how many people felt so cheated when it wasn’t what they had dreamed it would be. I felt a little more balance in your tone of lowering one’s expectations while simultaneously reaching for the best. I am confident our honeymoon will be wonderful and not because we are going to suddenly be experts the first night but because we both have reasonable expectations going into it. It was so amazing to have every question I didn’t know how to ask answered in such a down to earth way!! I have a great support network and could talk to my mom openly but I didn’t really know what I wanted to know…and I feel like your book helped with that. Now I have a few more questions for her. 😉

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   • Sheila on February 22, 2013 at 6:21 pm

     Megan, that’s so sweet! Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the best for your wedding and for your life together!

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6. Brad on July 11, 2013 at 2:02 pm

   I really love this list you put together, and reading your tweets and blogs. One area/topic I don’t see is what does the husband do when the wife does not want sex, and has no desire for him physically or sexually? Just roommates with occasional ( not often enough by any description) obligatory benefits. After more than 20 years of marriage, is there more to expect than spending the evenings watching her on Pinterest and Facebook?

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   • Sheila on July 11, 2013 at 2:06 pm

     Brad, I do have a post on this list that you can show her to tell her how you feel. You can find that right here. I have a number of posts for women with low libidos, but I haven’t written a lot for men who are married to those women, simply because my primary audience here is female. But I did write that post for men to show their wives to try to start the conversation going. I hope that helps!

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7. Greg on August 25, 2013 at 4:11 pm

   Sheila–I know you can’t respond to all msgs, but I hope you can respond to this one. My wife and I are working through “31 Days to Great Sex.” Last night, we did the day 3 challenge and she found it impossible to come up with five things she loved about her body (though I had no problem). In the end, she came up with the five she hates least and she went on on say that even while affirming positive aspects of those, doing so actually resulted in her focusing on the negative aspects of them–aspects that bring her pain and, therefore, she’d really rather not think about (but does occasionally).

   As you know, you suggest wives, “for the next week, tell yourself, over and over again, [affirmations of body parts].” At this point, it seems like that’ll be a terribly painful exercise for her, so I’m not going to push her to do it. But do you have any advice as to what to do at this point?

   Thanks!!

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8. Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 8:57 am

   That’s a lot of info!!! Is all this info in your book? Thanks Shiela!

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   • Sheila on September 16, 2013 at 9:38 am

     Pretty much! So it’s always a whole lot easier to get the book! 🙂

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9. Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 9:13 am

   It been a rough few years for me with my husband. But he and I decided not to give up. Some times I just think it would have been easier…ha! Ha! But on the other hand, all the time we have invested in our not so perfect marriage we find a common bond! God is our rock! We don’t go to church as often as I would like but he is a good man, with a few flaws. We both need a little tweaking and have decided to work on ourselves. It’s a slow process! But we are still together. We have seen a pastor in the past. I was about to see an attorney and prayed…God drove me to church. Seriously! I spoke to someone, got homework and gave my husband a packet. It was definitely a reality check. I can’t say it works for everyone. Why we r together still baffles me. He could have divorced me. He had his chance. God put us together for a reason. I have to take the good with the bad. I have to pick and choose my battles. I am on a low does med for anxiety (not Xanax or stuff like that) but its helped. I’m going through menopause which can trigger an uproar so, I needed something fast. I spent years trying not to take meds but spoke to someone and “he truly got me” wish I wasn’t on anything, but life is not a perfect scenario. Now my husband and I can talk daily. He actually knows how hard it is in life’s with daily challenges and we just try our best to keep it real. Less drama. We need to work on the sex factor. I need this book. One step at a time. We love each other but just can’t get past some issues? Idk….haven’t dissected that yet! Thanks Sheila…for your prayers.

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10. Resmith on September 19, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I have an absolutely wonderful husband who tells me I am beautiful and loves me unconditionally. But, I however feel so unbeautiful. I feel very frumpy and am so discouraged. I have this sexy side way down deep that wants to come out but does not know how. I am also struggling with orgasm. I can do it for myself, but my husband is unable to. Bless his heart he tries, it just takes so long and he usually gives up and lets me take over. We have a good sex life and are pretty satisfied but I yearn for it to be explosive! I know we have the potential but I don’t know how to go about getting it that way. I love your blog and you give such great advice. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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11. Karen on September 27, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I think it is wonderful that you offer these links.. My husband and I divorced on our 19th anniversary,but through the miracles of God we REMARRIED a yr later ,,that was 11 yrs ago , but one of the things that we lacked during our trying times was ENCOURAGEMENT, encouragement to fight for our marriage , for our family, encouragement to fix the problems and struggles in our marriage, instead of finding the best attorney to file for divorce.. But God Encouraged us,, and he Renewed our Love, Restored our marriage and family.. and we are happily married today

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12. DL on May 12, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Please do a post about dealing with toxic in-laws!

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13. Maritza on September 28, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    I need advice on a husband with an addiction…I dont know what to do. He refuses to accept he has an issue.

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14. Amy on December 22, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Hi Shelia!! I appreciate your website and books so much!!! Just one question for you because I wasn’t able to find any information so far on your website about dreams. Lately I have been having dreams about ex-boyfriends and it really bothers me. I haven’t done anything wrong in the dream but I don’t seem to understand why this is coming up and I feel guilty about it but there is no way I can talk to my husband about it because he would probably freak out and not understand. I’m not sure if this is something that I somehow have control over or if this is a way Satan is trying to interfere with our marriage. If you could direct me to some information that would be great. Thank-you so much!

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15. Eric on February 14, 2015 at 7:55 am

    Shelia do a blog for men on in-laws who are hard to take

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16. James on March 4, 2015 at 10:49 am

    You have a “when HE cheats”, what about when SHE cheats?

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    • Sheila on March 4, 2015 at 11:21 am

      It’s right here: When you’re the one who needs forgiveness. I’ll put it in the list–I haven’t updated it in a while!

      Reply
17. Isabel on April 4, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Hi Sheila,

    I think you have a whole lot of useful information and I think it’s wonderful that you take the time to help people with any situation. With that said I notice there is a lot of information about infidelity and how to cope. However what happens when you forgive and cannot move on and be happy. What if the husband is still doing things that may seem normal them because “they are men” but it still hurts you as if he is cheating over and over.. Is it just me? What can I do? I am desperate for help. Can you help me?

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    • Sheila on April 4, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      Hi Isabel,

      I’m afraid I’m not exactly sure what you’re referring to, but I think when you’re really at an impasse and you feel as if he’s really hurting you, sometimes the best route can be to talk to a counsellor or a mentor or someone who can help you work through the issue and figure out if it is something serious that needs to be dealt with. Sometimes you really can’t do it alone, especially if there’s an affair in the marriage in the past. You really do need to work on rebuilding trust, and often you need a third party to work through this with you.

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    • Lanelle on August 3, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      Isabel, I have the exact same concerns and it’s frustrating. I don’t know if what I see is reality or pain from past distorting things. I’m healing from hurts and everything he does seems bad.

      Reply
18. Lanelle on August 3, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Hi Sheila,

    I struggle greatly with insecurity and it’s hard to deal with it everyday. My husband has a history of not being faithful in our relationship and lying and I constantly feel he is up to no good even if he really isn’t. When you’re hurt, everything looks suspicious. He’s secretive about his phone activities and even though he is saved, sometimes I feel like he is putting on a good Christian “front” when he is around me.

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    • Gene on September 5, 2015 at 8:32 am

      Lanelle I totally understand where you are coming from. When the trust has been broken it’s a very difficult and painful process to rebuild trust. Everything your husband does seems suspious. I found about my husband’s infidelities about four years ago and the porn addictions two or three before that. Needless to say I had some really dark days and some horrific struggles. He went to counseling and we went to counseling and that began the long journey that we are on now. Counseling is good but you two have to still put in the work. Communicate Comunicate Comunicate. Don’t rush your healing process because it takes time to mend. The biggest turning point for me was prayer. After all the that my husband And I went through he still didn’t understand that he was one of the keys to my healing. To make a long story short I prayed and ask God for help and God did just that. One day out of the blue my husband saw the pain in me and he’s eyes opened to how badly I was feeling. He changed and became more compassionate and involved in the healing process. He realized that he had to do more than just stop the behavior he had to walk with me through my pain and help aid in the healing process. That actually happened not to long ago. It’s been a long journey and my husband and I are still walking through this road of recovery but I want to assure you that there is hope. Hang in there.

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19. mandy adam on July 22, 2017 at 1:33 am

    hi ive been married for 17 years and he has not touched me for 12 years, but he is quite happy to relieve himself daily. he has told me that he no longer loves or wants me anymore.

    im a Christian and he is not.

    im very unhappy any advice for me plz?

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire on July 24, 2017 at 7:19 am

      Oh, wow. That is so sad! That’s not fair to you and that’s not even a marriage. I’d really suggest seeing a counsellor and thinking of what you should do. I do think that he needs to experience the consequences of his actions. So he says he doesn’t love you, doesn’t want you, and is withholding sex from you. And yet he’s still with you. Why? Likely because you take care of a lot of things for him. Perhaps that needs to stop so that he realizes what life is like without marriage. I do think that you need a third party to help you walk through this, though!

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20. Christy on September 24, 2017 at 3:57 pm

    Hi Sheila. I just discovered your website a day or two ago and it’s great!
    I have been scanning through the topics but really havent found what I am dealing with.
    I have been married for 28 years and have only been with him sexually.
    I am having a hard time dealing with his very frequent requests for sexual favors at various times of the day when he is home and of course in the evening after work, and not just in the bedroom-like even when he is sitting in the living room watching tv!
    I am mainly comfortable with the bedroom and have never been comforable with orally doing what he wants “down there.” He requests it so frequently that I’m like is this normal or do I just not like doing this? According to a couple friends Ive confided in and a lady pastor who does counseling at my church his requests seem way more frequent than most husbands. He says he does not look at porb-I have asked. He tells me how much he likes my body which is nice.
    I end up feeling used although he does try to please me too. I am totally fine with sex every couple days or so-I do not withhold sex but this one aspect does make me want to say no sometimes. He says is relaxes him and helps him with pressures at work and family issues etc.
    Can you give me any advice?

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21. Donna on September 25, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    I believe I had submitted a previous question regarding this issue that I just don’t see talked about anywhere and for me as a wife to my best friend of almost 40 years I am in desperate need of advice and encouragement. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had prostate surgery two years ago this coming December. We were told it could take at least 3 yrs for nerves to “wake up”, yet there seems to be no glimmer of hope. I grieve for this loss and at 62 yrs old, still counted on us having several years of sex left. I am losing hope and it breaks my heart for both of us.

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22. J.A. on October 29, 2017 at 9:15 am

    There’s more to me than – etc. etc., Sheila etc., if it’s not my br.-in-law, it’s so far his certain stubbornn. that gives me no idea at all, if I can ‘testify(!)’ to being happy w., why too many ARE stubborn, an adj., which can keep on winning, greetings, peace:

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23. Jane on November 12, 2018 at 2:04 pm

    I have read many of the posts on here about intimacy and sex. What if your husband JUST WON’T change?

    For over 6 years, we have talked, talked, fought, talked, fought, and talked more about frequency, foreplay, hygiene, fantasies, role playing, etc. I’ve sent him numerous articles and some videos as well.

    He will not shower everyday. He doesn’t keep his beard groomed; he trims and shaves maybe once a month, more like 5-8 weeks.

    He says he enjoys foreplay, but his idea of foreplay is anything that isn’t PIV sex. I have 2, sometimes 3, body parts during sex. But he wants and expects me to do all kinds of foreplay for him.

    He is angry about the low frequency, but he will not do anything to make me want to have sex in the first place and he doesn’t really put any effort it to make me enjoy it.

    When we do have sex, he tells me the things I didn’t do or what I should do. He doesn’t think it’s fair that he’s ready to go immediately and he has to “work” to turn me on. He tells me he’d love for me to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex, but if I initiate sex late but before we’re asleep, he does it, but then complains that it was too late.

    He wants it all the time, but he wants me to want it just as much as he does, just magically. I feel extreme pressure to perform in a certain way sexually. I’ve never faked an orgasm, but now I’m really considering it. Probably not, though, because I don’t have them often now and he changes nothing. I think his ego cares if I orgasm, but other than that, if he gets his, it’s all good.

    Sex in my marriage is absolutely a chore, a duty, an obligation. There’s never intimacy (at least for me) and I get very little out of it, except sometimes sore and criticisms.

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    • Sheila Wray Gregoire on November 12, 2018 at 3:51 pm

      I’m so sorry, Jane. It sounds like you have one of two issues: either he truly doesn’t care about you and he truly is a completely selfish person; or he just doesn’t understand your perspective and has no idea what you’re feeling.

      While #1 people certainly do exist, they aren’t that common. If you feel that he may truly be someone who doesn’t care and who is completely selfish, then I’d take a look at some books for emotionally abused wives, and I’d seek out a counsellor.

      But if it’s more likely that he’s just clueless/selfish but unaware (which statistically is more likely), then you need to find a way of talking to him about these things. I think that not having sex if it’s entirely for him is an option. Just saying something like, “I love making love. I want sex to feel amazing. But i feel like it’s all for you. Here’s what I’d like to do: work through 31 Days to Great Sex/talk about trimming your beard, showering first/talk about what we’re doing in bed (whatever is appropriate) and then I’d be happy to make love. I’m not saying no to sex. I’m just saying on to the way it’s happening right now. And I love you, but something needs to change. Can we work on that?” And see if that gets you going somewhere. But keeping doing whatever he wants when it hurts you is not going to help your marriage.

      So I’d say pray for a lot of insight. Ask God to help you see if it’s a #1 category or a #2 category. And then pray that God will soften your husband’s heart!

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24. Mark on February 7, 2019 at 2:06 am

    Ive read lots of your stuff here and after only 1 year of marriage I think its over. You see my wife hates sex and everything about it and always has apparently. Even in her previous marriage it was the same. It hurts her and shes unable to have the big O. Also what about oral sex? I cant find anything in the Bible about it at all.

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    • Sheila Wray Gregoire on February 7, 2019 at 8:21 am

      Mark, if it hurts her, that’s not her choice. That’s something she’s suffering from. You pledged “in sickness and in health.” Have you talked with her about seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist to get to the root of the pain? To leave someone because they’re in pain without trying to deal with the problem seems callous. There are people who are trained to help women with this kind of pain; maybe seek them out first?

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25. anonymous on February 15, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    I’ve been married for over 30 years (I married young) and have struggled with intimacy for most of those years until I found your blog 3 years ago. I regret not finding your blog earlier. Recently, my father passed away and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am struggling with intimacy right now because my mind is almost constantly occupied with death and the afterlife. I know you lost a child and was hoping you had insight and advice about what the bible says so that I can work through this issue.

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    • Sheila Wray Gregoire on February 16, 2019 at 9:02 am

      I’m so sorry about your father’s death! May peace be with you.

      And I’m glad you found my blog, but I know you’re having a hard time right now. I’d just say that grief often takes some time. In that time, try to cling to your husband, and try to keep communicating, because sometimes the instinct is to retreat into our feelings. You don’t have to share your feelings about grief if that’s too raw, but share other things. Keep talking. Make a plan to do something together every week. The sex will come in time as the bigger feelings dissipate. And it’s okay for sex to not be very good for a while. But try to think of it as a time to connect with a living, breathing human being who loves you, and as God’s way of giving you comfort. Sometimes that can help. And I am sorry.

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