I think this is really wise of you. In addition to not having the time to answer each one, there is so much about each situation that cannot be known strictly by email and it is always ultimately best to have counsel from someone who knows us as real, live people.

I’m in serious trouble. For the past 6 years my husband has lost all desire for me. I had breast cancer and treatments 6 years ago, and ever since then he has no interest in me. I had complete reconstuction, and I think I look pretty fine, but he’s just not interested. He says it’s his libido, but he’s asked the doctor about it, and evidently the doc says there’s nothing to cause that. We’re both 60, and we’ve been married for 10 years. I enjoy sex tremendously, and I’m quite disappointed to think there might be no more for me the rest of my life with him. He used to be a decent lover, but he says I’ve changed since my cancer, and NOT for the good. I appreciate my life more, now, and I like to do things with my family. He would prefer to watch TV, golf, or bowl, and he does those all without me. It’s like I’m not really needed by him at all. He’s quite a lot overweight, but on the rare occasions when I’ve initiated a tryst, he seems to be fine. I’ve told him that in order for me to feel desired or wanted, he needs to initiate. During my cancer treatment he wasn’t very supportive during the treatment time after the surgery. He preferred to leave me home alone and go be with his friends. I was VERY sick for nearly a year. I’m doing fine now, but the vestiges of that time seem to stay with him. Anytime now, when I get sick, he makes fun of me, or finds something else to do. I’m not in a position to leave, mostly for financial reasons. I depend on him, and he really could do just fine without me. We’ve gone to counseling several times, and it helps for a little while, but then everything deteriorates again. I’m nearly at the end of my rope…I need some closeness. Thanks for any insights you could give me. He won’t read the books the counselor has suggested in the past, so don’t suggest book reading, ok?

Hi Shelia!
I saw your blog recommended and subsequently the “Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex” about the time I began dating my fiancé. I immediately bookmarked the book on Amazon for future reference…and now the future is here. Our wedding is March 9 so I ordered the book after Valentine’s Day and just finished reading it. I just had to thank you SO much for writing it!! I love your style, it was so reassuring. I’d begun to be disappointed in all my reading about the honeymoon and how many people felt so cheated when it wasn’t what they had dreamed it would be. I felt a little more balance in your tone of lowering one’s expectations while simultaneously reaching for the best. I am confident our honeymoon will be wonderful and not because we are going to suddenly be experts the first night but because we both have reasonable expectations going into it. It was so amazing to have every question I didn’t know how to ask answered in such a down to earth way!! I have a great support network and could talk to my mom openly but I didn’t really know what I wanted to know…and I feel like your book helped with that. Now I have a few more questions for her. 😉

Sheila–I know you can’t respond to all msgs, but I hope you can respond to this one. My wife and I are working through “31 Days to Great Sex.” Last night, we did the day 3 challenge and she found it impossible to come up with five things she loved about her body (though I had no problem). In the end, she came up with the five she hates least and she went on on say that even while affirming positive aspects of those, doing so actually resulted in her focusing on the negative aspects of them–aspects that bring her pain and, therefore, she’d really rather not think about (but does occasionally).

As you know, you suggest wives, “for the next week, tell yourself, over and over again, [affirmations of body parts].” At this point, it seems like that’ll be a terribly painful exercise for her, so I’m not going to push her to do it. But do you have any advice as to what to do at this point?

Thanks!!

Hi Sheila,

I think you have a whole lot of useful information and I think it’s wonderful that you take the time to help people with any situation. With that said I notice there is a lot of information about infidelity and how to cope. However what happens when you forgive and cannot move on and be happy. What if the husband is still doing things that may seem normal them because “they are men” but it still hurts you as if he is cheating over and over.. Is it just me? What can I do? I am desperate for help. Can you help me?

I believe I had submitted a previous question regarding this issue that I just don’t see talked about anywhere and for me as a wife to my best friend of almost 40 years I am in desperate need of advice and encouragement. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had prostate surgery two years ago this coming December. We were told it could take at least 3 yrs for nerves to “wake up”, yet there seems to be no glimmer of hope. I grieve for this loss and at 62 yrs old, still counted on us having several years of sex left. I am losing hope and it breaks my heart for both of us.

I have read many of the posts on here about intimacy and sex. What if your husband JUST WON’T change?

For over 6 years, we have talked, talked, fought, talked, fought, and talked more about frequency, foreplay, hygiene, fantasies, role playing, etc. I’ve sent him numerous articles and some videos as well.

He will not shower everyday. He doesn’t keep his beard groomed; he trims and shaves maybe once a month, more like 5-8 weeks.

He says he enjoys foreplay, but his idea of foreplay is anything that isn’t PIV sex. I have 2, sometimes 3, body parts during sex. But he wants and expects me to do all kinds of foreplay for him.

He is angry about the low frequency, but he will not do anything to make me want to have sex in the first place and he doesn’t really put any effort it to make me enjoy it.

When we do have sex, he tells me the things I didn’t do or what I should do. He doesn’t think it’s fair that he’s ready to go immediately and he has to “work” to turn me on. He tells me he’d love for me to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex, but if I initiate sex late but before we’re asleep, he does it, but then complains that it was too late.

He wants it all the time, but he wants me to want it just as much as he does, just magically. I feel extreme pressure to perform in a certain way sexually. I’ve never faked an orgasm, but now I’m really considering it. Probably not, though, because I don’t have them often now and he changes nothing. I think his ego cares if I orgasm, but other than that, if he gets his, it’s all good.

Sex in my marriage is absolutely a chore, a duty, an obligation. There’s never intimacy (at least for me) and I get very little out of it, except sometimes sore and criticisms.

I’ve been married for over 30 years (I married young) and have struggled with intimacy for most of those years until I found your blog 3 years ago. I regret not finding your blog earlier. Recently, my father passed away and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am struggling with intimacy right now because my mind is almost constantly occupied with death and the afterlife. I know you lost a child and was hoping you had insight and advice about what the bible says so that I can work through this issue.