![Flickr 3006348550 - Reader Question of the Week: Mission "Impasse"able?](https://lh6.ggpht.com/-ucdfGBnoslg/T1UszthqSWI/AAAAAAAACZk/7QyV1-19-8k/Flickr-3006348550.jpg "Reader Question of the Week: Mission "Impasse"able? - wanting more children, special needs, Reader Questions, family size")
Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks a hard question about arrows in her quiver.
(Keep in mind this post really isn’t about a debate over birth control. It’s fine to mention it, but let’s not get into whether it’s ethical. It’s really more about how do you come to agreement on something so important when you have different opinions.)
I really want more children, but my husband doesn’t. The reasons he gives are that we don’t have the money and that we already have a child with special needs. But I just feel as if our family isn’t done yet. How do we break this impasse? I don’t want to mourn the baby I could have had my whole life.
What advice would you give?
Don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Wives are called to submit to their husbands in everything {unless it goes against God’s Word.} Just continue to take it to the Lord and let the Lord change your husband’s mind. He does a much better job and your relationship won’t be hurt through the conflict.
Honestly, I think regardless of which spouse doesn’t want more children, that wish needs to be respected and honored. I can’t imagine bringing a child into our lives without my husband being on board, or being forced myself to agree to another child before I’m ready. This is a decision that requires two ‘yes’ votes.
I agree with Lori- take your burden to the Lord and allow Him to change your husbands heart. You probably need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the dream for another child, but don’t turn it in to nagging your husband. This is a huge decision and he needs to know that his leadership in the issue is valued and respected.
Ok, as a husband here are my thoughts…
You mentioned that you already have a child with special needs, and I don’t know how involved those needs are but this could be something big in his way. I know when our children were coming into the world I was worried about having a child with special needs (I’ve seen the good results and bad results in my family). I was afraid I/we would not be able to handle it, that it would destroy my wife or myself emotionally and that the financial stress would put us somewhere I was afraid to be.
Bringing a child into the world is great, and wonderful, but it opens the future to new and more responsibilities, and that can be intimidating, especiallly for a man.
Failure is huge for a man, and I saw a special needs child as a mountain I might fail at climbing, now that being said if you already have one (and I don’t know the complete circumstance) it could be that your husband is worried that another special needs child might be too much for him or your family to bear .
That being said it could be that special needs is not as invovled as some. My advice is to sit down together and layout everything. Be straight saying that you would realy like another child, and ask what his concerns are. Then address his concerns. For instance, if it is about money, then perhaps you can budget differently, or if you don’t work possibly pick up a part time job to ensure that you have the savings and comfortable emergency fund that would make him feel comfortable.
If it’s about the possibility of another special needs child, maybe some genetic testing to see if every child is likely or not to have special needs. Then you can make a decision from that point.
I think if you can nail down the issues, and develope a plan to address them you might be on your way, he will know it is your desire, and he will also know that his concerns matter as well.
Having another baby is one of those “it takes two to tango” issues. If it’s going to be yes, both spouses have to say yes. But even one no makes it a no. So someone’s heart has to change.
Keep going before the Lord and be submitted to Him first. Ask Him to lead you in this. He’s the only one who can change either of your hearts. And echoing what’s been said before, don’t nag your husband about it. As you submit to the Lord and your husband, also submit your husband to the Lord in your prayers. Does that make sense?
Bringing a baby into the world without having both parents on board 100% does everyone a disservice. It will put a huge strain on the marriage relationship, which is in turn harmful to all the children involved.
I think the best course of action is to focus your efforts on raising the children you already have and pray that God changes your husband’s heart if it is His will to do so.
I’m a little bit in the same boat. I’m okay with stopping at three kids, but I would really like to have another. My husband does not want to have any more. Like the other commenters have suggested, I have prayed that if the Lord wants us to have one more kid he would change my husbands heart. I have also made a commitment not to bring it up anymore to him even in a joking way. At this point it would be nagging since he has made his decision clear. I find that the more I pray about it and think about how grateful I am for the three I have and focus on all the benefits of just having three kids (one less kid to put through college!), it makes it easy to be content with what I already have. I only get into trouble when I start dwelling on how I would really like one more baby. For me, I just need to be disciplined in my thoughts.
I agree with Megan. I’m in a second marriage, I had four babies with my late husband and my current husband had 3 babies with his late wife but I am really mourning the aspect of us not having a baby together. I’m 35 and I feel my clock ticking but he adamently does not want more, which I understand, my goodness we have 7 under 10 right now but I still would love to experience this together. He says he loves me too much to let a baby come between us, which I understand, that does happen often in marriage and he would never forgive himself if something were to happen to me (it would be my 4th c-section) but it is still hard for me not to bring it up. I am learning, as well, to submit this area to the Lord and if for some miraculous reason it were to happen (yes, it would be a miracle!) then so be it.
I agree that if both the husband and wife aren’t on board with having another child, the couple shouldn’t have another child until both husband and wife agree that they would like another child.
My suggestion would be to pray about the situation. Also, maybe wife could have a discussion with her husband where they agree not to mention having more kids until a certain amount of time has passed (for instance, not bringing it up for another year or 6 months or something like that).
Finally, I would suggest that the wife enjoys the child she has while the child is young. Don’t focus on the children you “could have” in the future — focus on the child you currently do have.
My wife and I are seniors both well past having children but here is my comment.
I was an only child, my wife has a brother. We were in our mid 30s when we married.
Our daughter was conceived on our honeymoon or immediately thereafter.
I was content with one child but when our daughter was about 8 months old my wife said she wanted another baby. I was not thrilled about this but I agreed to stop using condoms and our son was conceived within 6 weeks. What a joy and blessing we would have missed without him. He is now married and has given us two grandsons (3 and 1). After his birth we both agreed that two were enough and I had a vasectomy. The point is that I was willing to accede to my wife’s wishes and we were both happy and content. We are still head over heels in love and have a wonderful marriage. God has richly blessed us.
The other comments have been good (especially it takes two to tango), but I would add another thought. Women and men don’t look at adding to their family the same way. We women think of the joy and cuddles and cuteness while men think more of the financial strain and stress caring for a larger family. And if the wife had a rough pregnancy or delivery, it adds to his care for her. And if you have a child with special needs, he may want the financial and emotional resources to not have to be divided between siblings, especially with a baby that will take up so much.
I can personally relate to this very much. My husband came from a large family with very little funds. He always vowed that his children would get the comforts and security he never had growing up, which meant he only wanted two, while I would have liked to go for three. But my two pregnancies were also quite rough. I lost a lot of weight during both because of “morning” sickness that was never just in the morning and lasted past the first trimester. My husband had an extremely hard time watching me throw up and being so tired and suffering all that time. So his desire to not have more kids was also a desire to spare my body from some pretty rough hormones (it didn’t help that my second delivery was also much harder). And then years later, just this past summer, I was a week late (and I’m like a clock) and I got excited that perhaps God was giving us a baby in spite of our perfect use of birth control. My husband took it in stride as we waited a while longer to see what would come of it. We even picked out names and thought about rearranging furniture. And then it came to nothing. I got my period and a serious case of the blues as it turned out that at my age (mid 30s) it’s not uncommon for a woman’s body to readjust in preparation for menopause. That was a difficult time. But what came of it was good too because it was when I realized why my husband didn’t want more kids. It was because he loved me and the kids we have and wanted to be able to provide completely for us and be able to see us. If we’d had another kid, he would have had to pick up more work and then I would see him less and the kids wouldn’t see their father.
I guess the point I’m trying to get at is to remember that the reason he doesn’t want kids actually comes out of love for you and your family. He wants to be the good provider for all of you, and men are good at reminding us of the practical limitations with an expanding family.
I have gained a greater appreciation for my husband, and a better contentment with not having more kids. We took a short trip with the kids and it was nice to not be throwing up and being able to keep up. And it was wonderful to enjoy my kids and all their funny sayings and happenings without distraction.
Enjoy what you have and concentrate on all that you do have. Thinking only of what you might have will lead to missing out on great things now.
Well-said!
Great comment!
I think Melissa said it most accurately, “SOMEONE’S heart has to change” (emphasis added by me). It might not end up being the spouse saying No that needs to have a heart change – it might be the spouse saying Yes. Regardless, the matter should be placed at the feet of the Lord by us.
I agree with most of what has been said, but I want to add an idea. It’s good to analyze why you want another child: do you just enjoy children, do you want another sibling for your kids, do you want the chance to have another child without special needs ( I struggled with that one), or is there just a feeling that your family isn’t complete?
When You have analyzed that think it through and discuss it with your husband. One way to do that is writing down a “sodas”. Write down the situation, options, disadvantages to each option, advantages to each option and eventually the solution. if you do this with your spouse and really consider each point then both of you will have all concerns expressed and you can truly make the decision together, with the Lords help.
Children are a wonderful gift from God, but they are also a huge responsibility and require tons of time, effort, love and commitment on both your and your husbands side. Good luck!
I was going to say the same thing as others did. We are called to joyfully submit to your husbands. I do think it would be appropriate to pray hard about you both being open to God’s plan for your life. We had a more minor version of this impasse a few years ago, and that was pretty painful, so I know you must really be hurting. But, God is bigger than this one issue, and can either bring you peace about it or can change your husband’s heart.
*Should say called to joyfully submit to OUR husbands. Sorry. 🙂
Thank you for posting this question and for everyone’s suggestions and comments. I think that whether and when to have more children is an issue that all couples have to face at some point.
I would like to reiterate what Andrew said above. The idea of bringing another special-needs child into the world can be a daunting prospect for a man, emotionally and financially.
Probably the best way to convince your husband to have another child would be genetic testing. Find out what the odds are that your next child also will be a special-needs child. Is the chance 100 percent? Or is it one percent?
If your husband can be assured that there is a strong possibility of having a normal, healthy bouncing baby, then he may feel more comfortable conceiving another child.
However, if the odds of having another special-needs child are high, then maybe you two could consider adopting a child as a viable alternative.
Pray about it – this may sound cliche but its only God that can change the mind and heart. I heard the most touching story this weekend from a christian couple that is in line with the question asked. They already had 3 children; she always wanted one more, he didnt. She prayed for many years for another child. 4 years later during the height of the recession, she found out she was pregnant with #4. Keep in mind they had talked about it and he had already scheduled his vascetomy operation. She was very afraid to tell her husband. When she finally told him, he was so upset he did not speak to her for a month – that was a very traumatic time for her and them. He panicked and thought a 4th child would be their financial undoing. When he finally spoke with her, he apologized and told her it was his fear that made him act the way he did. Fast forward to today, that baby is the light of his life.
Be encouraged, if you are to have more you will.
I’ve been in your shoes (had two, wanted another) and my husband was reluctant. Children are a blessing, for sure, but they’re also a lot of work, and – yes – a financial responsibility (I don’t want to say burden!)
On the one hand, the media tends to greatly exaggerate the cost of raising children (you know, they don’t all need their own rooms, their own TVs, their own cel phones, etc ;D) and it’s okay to respectfully talk that through with your husband. But, before God, he’s responsible for all of you. You haven’t indicated what kind of special needs your child has. Your husband may be concerned about supporting a child who will always be dependent, or he may be concerned about the extra burden that child is on you.
By all means, pray about it. God knows what you want. And he could certainly over-ride either of your wishes – *surprise!*
Like so many others have said, focus on the child/children you already have rather than the ones you wish you had. Be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Julie G
We had a similar situation once (we didn’t start out with a plan to have 8 kids—I wanted 3 and he wanted 1). Eventually I just started praying that we’d be in agreement: either that I would no longer feel so strongly about having another child, or that he would. A few days later he surprised me by saying that he wanted another baby. I even told him to “think on it” a couple of days because it was such a radical shift. A month later, we were expecting.
I know this won’t happen in every situation, but I do believe in the power of prayer and the desire to keep harmony in the marriage.
I wasn’t supposed to have children. So when I got pregnant with my son. (this is using every means necessary to NOT get pregnant, except abstaining) I was happy, because I had decided I wasn’t having children I couldn’t adopt. After he was born (he’s almost 4 now) I wanted to try for another because I wanted a little girl. I wanted a child to be close to our son. The Mr. was completely “No way!” He said maybe later on he might feel differently. So I accepted it and let it go. Then last year, my body went into some crazy mode and everything was haywire. My doctor suggested that I get an IUD and if that doesn’t work/times up that I get a hysterectomy due to the issues. So I’m back to accepting that I’m not going to have my little girl that I wanted. And this bothered me for a while. So I approached him about it. And we had a long talk, and we’re back to when we’re BOTH ready for children, we’ll still get one. Only this time, we’ll adopt. I know this doesn’t answer your issue, but I think flexibility is important here.
I agree with all the comments above. This is just a thought I had on the flip side of all the other comments. Haveing more children equals more work, but while you may spend time thinking “I wish we had had another child” you most likely will never look at you youngest child and say “I wish we had never had you”. This is just a thought to propose when you have this conversation with your spouse.
My husband and I were at that same place for quite a while. Recently I brought up the idea of fostering an infant (we have always talked about fostering or adopting, but were never in a place where it could have been a possibility until now). He loved it and can’t wait to have our first placement. Since the child’s costs are covered (plus some), the financial pressure isn’t there and he loves the added benefit of us caring for the lost and hurting in this world in such a hands-on manner. The idea, although maybe not the best option for everyone, has definitely brought us through that impasse we were stuck at for months! Anyway, I just thought I would throw it out there as an idea. It’s not the same as having your “own” new baby, but is an incredible opportunity to love on a hurting child and family and make a real difference in a lot of lives. And there’s always a huge need for foster parents!
I hope your husband changes his mind. Regarding money, children are really not as expensive as we are told. Handing down clothes, cribs, strollers, toys etc. minimizes the cost per child for these items. One financial outlay but more people benefiting from it. As far as your special needs child, and all children in general, God calls us to be generous in bringing new souls into the world with him, and he is never outdone in generosity. He will never give us more than we can bear.
I also want more children than my husband, but I know if that’s my husband’s decision then it’s also God’s desire that we not have more children. Submitting as unto the Lord brings peace to my heart. 🙂
Well I agree that you both must be in agreement and you should of course take it to God. You both should take it to God though, not just you. And ask that He would make His will known to you both. I’ve seen so much talk in the comments about financial burdens/responsibilities, but I’ve not seen much about letting go of that desire to keep control of our lives & money & trusting that God will provide as He always does when we are in alignment with Him. I hope that you and your husband both will spend time in prayer, asking not for your spouse to have your desires, but for His will to be your wills as well. And that you would trust that whatever His will is, He will provide exactly what you need.
My dad was the exact same way with my mom when it came to adopting. My mom didn’t feel the family was complete until they had adopted. My dad was very adamantly against it. But my mother was persistent – she didn’t nag, but she continued looking at photos of orphans and praying that when the right one came along, my dad would have a change of heart. 7 years later, they’re on their THIRD adoption. I understand they financial strains. My parents have that too. I guess I’m offering encouragement in that the Lord hears our hearts cries. I don’t know what will happen, but prayer does go a long way. Nagging won’t solve anything. Continue to love your husband, but don’t give up on your dreams. Pray for God’s will.
I’d encourage the questioner to not only look at why they want a second child, but to evaluate very seriously how good (in ALL respects) your marriage relationship is. Within your family, that is the important thing. Kids take second place. Having a special needs child can be a very overwhelming responsibility. What does that do to husband and wife’s availability to each other?
I agree with most of the comments on here…But I would like to add something…this being from experience. My husband and I have 2 children. (they are now 6 and 7) When we were married for only 2 years (we were 23 at the time)….my husband started pushing for children. I honestly wasn’t ready and didn’t want any at the time…but I gave in and we became pregnant with our first child immediately and had him when we were 24…then #2 came 13 months later….WOW!
Now, my comment may anger some…so please hear my disclaimer before you move forward in reading my post…..I adore my kids and am so thankful for them…and for the ease of conception. I cherish my time with them and my time as a mom now. Please don’t reply to me telling me how wrong I am or was in what I’m about to say…because I know…and I’ve moved forward and have grown as a mother, Christian, wife…I am telling this in order to give insight to the one who asked the question….
Now moving on…..that being said…In those first few years of having 2 so close in age and not being fully prepared…i still had to work a full-time job, etc, etc….I did not enjoy being a mom….I resented my husband and sometimes my children because i felt like my time as a young married woman had been quickly and unfairly taken away…Now I understand that those were just selfish thoughts…trust me…I’ve repented many times over…and I no longer have those feelings…but the resentment towards my husband damaged our marriage for a while…..It would anger me when he paid more attention to them or became excited to come home to them, but didn’t share that excitement with me….I resented the fact that it was no longer just he and I….I would take that anger out on him….
The reason I share that, is to let you know that pushing the issue may cause undue resentment and damage the relationship between you and him…as well as cause regrets. I didn’t enjoy young parenthood as now I wish I did…..Don’t get me wrong…I’ve always shown my kids love and affection and proper discipline when needed…I held them, kissed them, squeezed their sweet fat cheeks, told them about Jesus and His love for them…but there were many times I wished that time away….there were many times I would just get mad when I had to get up in the middle of the night, instead of cherish that time to cuddle with them. Trust me, I regret that…..that is one of my biggest regrets! As the provider and head of the family…your husband has so much pressure on him…so much weighing on his shoulders…and I can’t imagine how much that is magnified with a special needs child. Please don’t force this on him…..You can’t MAKE him change his mind…..and in fact maybe your mind is the one that needs to be changed so that all of your time, attention, and focus is on your precious special needs child (not saying that you don’t already)Either way, noone else can know what needs to happen except you two…but again, I urge you from experience on the opposite end..please don’t force it or push it…enjoy what you have, and God will work in the both of you for His plan.
Again…this post was to inform what may happen with the other party…Please respect my honesty, as It was not easy to type or share…I am ashamed of my past attitudes…but I am fully enjoying being a mom now…..my kids are God’s precious gifts to me and my husband and I am fully aware of that….I just wanted this sweet lady to see what effect pushing the issue can have on the individual as well as the family. I will pray that God will show you His will.
Thank you for your transparency. 🙂 It is brave to show others our imperfections, and I pray God will use your experience in another’s life.
Thank you for your honesty. I am NOT a baby person. I dealt with my son as a baby out of duty, responsibility, and a strong inner “you care for the weaker, end of story” inner programming. I enjoy my son much, much more now that he is older. Not everyone is a “baby” person. That is OK!! If your kids hadn’t happened when they did, they wouldn’t be who they are, and neither would you, or your life. God makes everything happen for a reason.
To the OP, others here have made some excellent points. I strongly urge you to think on them.