Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks an important and timely question regarding company coming for extended periods of time during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
Can we discuss long term visitors interrupting daily routine and private time for husband and wife?
How do you handle this in your home? What works for you?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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This is difficult to answer because there are many factors and variables. I’d say first of all, having visitors IS going to interrupt daily routine and husband/wife private time. You can’t proceed with life as normal with house guests, and that needs to be okay for a short period of time if you are going to allow house guests.
One thing we learned early in our marriage concerning this though, is that WE needed to set boundaries on how long our house guests stayed with us. My mother-in-law would always want to come and stay for 2 weeks at a time. This was simply too much for me and so we had to take charge and limit her visits to one week only. Knowing that my routine (as a stay at home mom) was only going to be affected for a week helped me to be able to enjoy her visits and not feel intruded upon. I know that intimacy is another concern, but unless your house guest is staying in your bedroom with you, a quick romp in the hay shouldn’t be that difficult to achieve.
The bottom line though is that it is imperative that husband and wife are in agreement with the length of stay for any house guest. Your loyalty is to your spouse first, not to your out-of-town family members.
EXCELLENT advice!
I agree with Kim’s response. One additional point is that the spouse who is related by blood to the family member in question should deal with setting the limits! It’s one thing for a son to say to his mother, “Mom, a one-week visit is what’s going to work for us,” and quite another thing for her daughter-in-law to say it! And keeping in mind that the marriage relationship, not the extended family relationship, is primary really helps a couple to establish boundaries. (Not that extended family relationships aren’t important, especially at the holidays.)
Oh yes, it is definitely the blood relative who communicates the boundaries!
BUT – what if your husband is afraid to talk to his mother (my hubby’s family has serious communication issues) and so he is always waiting for you (the wife) to do the telling?
That’s a tough one! I’d say talk to your husband and tell him that he’s taking the easy way out and putting you in the position of being “the bad guy”, which isn’t optimal for your own relationship with his family. But if he won’t talk to his mom, then you need to decide whether the issue is important enough for you to take on that role or not. That is tough.
I was blessed with wonderful in laws. They lived out of town but I was always sorry to see them leave! My wife and I never found our private time was limited by their visits. Out of country visitors have been infrequent and their stays have never been more than a few days. My mum lived across town so never stayed overnight.
When we visited my in laws in their apartment we never had any problems either.
Overall it has never been an issue.
Oh, I forgot to add that my wife loved my mum as well so there were never any problems in reverse. Except, that was when mum sided with my wife on one occasion which provoked my response, “Hey whose mum are you anyway?” We all got a laugh out of that.
Maybe I’m assuming too much, but this typically tends to be in-law issues, so I’m thinking in those terms. And what that usually boils down to at its root is the husband and wife being loyal to each other above their family-of-origin.
The husband and wife need to come to an agreement privately (who visits, if they stay in the home or not, how long they stay, etc.). It’s a great idea for the blood-relative to communicate with their own family, and they need to communicate in a way that protects their spouse.
This often means not giving in to pressure, and not giving out too much information. For instance, my in-laws always want us to stay with them at their house and there are issues with that. (FIL has some major behavioral “filters” missing.) My husband – and it’s VERY HARD FOR HIM – has had to learn not to blame me, but to say, simply, “That won’t work for us,” and suggest an alternative we’re willing to do – like stay in a nearby hotel and come over during the day.
I realize this isn’t quite the situation you’re asking about, but flip it around. Talk with your husband privately before-hand. If the issue is that one of you tends to accommodate (cave in to?) your own family against the spouse’s wishes then you might need to have a counselor – a neutral party – help you walk through this.
You need to come to an agreement between the two of you, and you both need to stick to it, even if that means your family (of origin) gets a bit offended. The root here is that your relationship to each other comes first.
Hope that helps 😀
Julie G
We often have overseas family for extended periods. We make sure we have ‘meetings’ to attend (the two of us at Starbucks but that’s for us to know) and ask friends to take them out for the day. They now have friendships with these folk and it gives us a real breather. It is your home, you chose to leave and cleave, and it’s imperative that extended family honour that and you stand your ground as a unit.
Def agree that your guests should honor your wishes.
I have a slightly different take on this since I have a relative who lives overseas and is usually only in the US for Christmas. My siblings & I live near each other so this relative comes for about 3 weeks at a time. At Christmas, I have found our usual schedule is off anyway so having a guest for that long is easier to accomodate.
If your visitor is someone whom you see frequently throughout the year, then I agree that placing limits on their visits is a prudent idea. The saying “fish and company begin to stink after 3 days” comes to mind. (paraphrased because I don’t remember the exact saying)
As for intimacy, if your visitors do not require entertaining around the clock, a quick trip to your bedroom while they are sightseeing works. Or perhaps late nights or early mornings would be better. At any rate, be open with your spouse about what you would like to see as far as guests & intimacy and you may be pleasantly surprised at what you can agree on.
And finally, my husband & I lived with his parents (in their home) for just over a year. In that year our 2nd child was conceived. My sister in law gave us a strange look and asked, “when did you find the time?” Our answer, “it took a bit of creativity.”
Relatives are a lot like fish. After three days, they both stink.
My mother in law told me that one early in our marriage. Maybe, she and the father in law were early members of the 72 hour club!
My family just went through this. My mom/step dad and I live on the same land. My mom’s brother and 2 kids came to visit for about a week. My parents had a really hard time with their visit as far as space and needing their time, and having their “rules”. The griped ALOT before, during, and after the visit. It really bothered me because for one we never get to see my uncle and for two my parents can be a little over anal about their house rules, to the point that it can be very unejoyable to be around. Finally I couldn’t handle all the negativity and gave them my opinion, explained that we never get to see him and that they need to enjoy the time they can with people while they can (i have lost a few family members on my dad’s side, including my dad so I know realize that time with your family and friends is sacred even if they might get on your nerves), the other point I made to them was that if they couldn’t enjoy having company and make the time their company is visiting enjoyable, then they don’t need to offer their house to anyone anymore. It’s a simple solution and if you don’t have the heart to tell your visitors they need to rent a hotel, then you have to deal with the consequences.
Then again, my family and friends know that Im a straight shooter. My best friend wanted to come visit for 10 days and I straight up told her I couldn’t do that. (I enjoy her company but my son and I lived in a tiny 2 bedroom apt at the time). Luckily her time was able to be split with other friends in town. As important as family and friends are, so is your own happiness and so you have to either come to facts that you just arent a good hostess and don’t let them stay with you, or you need to stand up for yourself and be honest with your guests about what is and is not ok as far as visit time and personal time. There is always of course, the option to suck it up and not gripe. LOL
When I visit friends or relatives I nearly always stay in an inexpensive motel nearby rather than in the house with them. Everyone’s privacy is respected, everyone’s personal habits, bedtime preferences, bathroom issues, noise preferences, etc., etc., etc., are all avoided and we can focus on having a pleasant time together. Everyone is so kind and generous to offer the use of their guest room, couch, or whatever they have, but (with the possible exception of my mother) I believe most people are more comfortable with this arrangement. Yes, it costs a little bit of money, but it is well worth it to make sure both they and I enjoy the visit and look forward to the next one.
This was a MAJOR issue for us during our first years of marriage. Family members would show up without warning and even let themselves into our house with the key they’d been given!
My husband was far more comfortable with intimacy with others around than I was. I tried to be flexible and creative. Bt he finally realized that having family stay at a near-by hotel was far more relaxing for me. It also rescued him from feeling like he “had” to stay up ’til midnight or 1:00 AM talking when he had to be up at 6:00 AM but they didn’t!
I’ve spent some extended time with my in-laws over holidays when we went out of town, and more recently when we were looking for/remodeling a house and stayed with them for several months. We’ve also hosted out of town guests in a two bedroom apartment.
My number one piece of advice: for a short stay, plan as many of your meals as possible and try to do as much prep work as you can so that during the first flurry of arriving you aren’t putting together a lasagna (or something like that). Freeze meals or portions of meals if you can, and know when you can ask people to help (peel carrots, tear lettuce, etc.) As for scheduling, you can also let your guests know when you typically eat breakfast and when you typically close the kitchen and go to bed. A carton of eggs, some chips and salsa, and a few other breakfast/midnight snack items (ideally written down and stuck on the fridge) will help navigate folks waking up and going to bed at different times. I also figure out when it makes more sense to eat out (on a day trip to the city for instance). This saves so much hassle! Point out your bookcase, your tv or gaming selections, the pretty walk out your front door, and let them figure it out for an hour or two.
I make it a point to choose my husband over my guests and not make plans without consulting him.. (he doesn’t like being dragged into things). I make sure to respect my husband first above my family. I call my mom out when she is meddling or being a busy-body.. (We have a great relationship, so it is done lovingly). And my husband and I still need some private/ alone time every now and then.. guests just need to understand this.. They can entertain themselves for a bit. 🙂
Communication is the best route. Of course pray before talking because chances are, the perspectives of your guests may be different than yours. First, talk to your husband to find out what your goals are for your time together and your expectations. Find out how long the guest will be staying and let them know that there will need to be some adjustments in reference to the time you and your husband spend together. A lot depends on who the person is, the age, and even your relationship with them. These factors can dictate how you approach them and on what level.
Nobody comes before your husband other than God, especially if that’s your home. However, everything you do should be done with a spirit of love. You never want to offend people, but you do want to get your point across.
In addition, you and your husband must also get creative. Maybe early mornings or late evenings when everyone is asleep is a good time to spend special moments together. Or what about lunch time?
There are ways around this. I’m sure that will proper communication, you will get through this.
We live within 20 minutes of all parents and grandparents, so staying over isn’t an issue. The hard part for us is Christmas day. We felt like we had to take our kids to everyone’s house, and ended up exhausted. We have since decided that Christmas is for our family and others are welcome to join us. This decision has helped tremendously.
Of those who have already commented, I have the most annoying in-laws. They call on Monday saying they’ll arrive Tuesday afternoon but don’t actually show up until 2 a.m. Wednesday only because they didn’t leave home in time. They stay up later than my children and I and sometimes my husband but continue to watch TV at a volume that my nearly deaf FIL can hear (our bedrooms are off the living room). He proceeds to fall asleep on the couch with the TV and lamp still on until 1, 2, 3 o’clock in the morning when he decides to stumble to bed. Then they sleep until 11 a.m. and nap throughout the day causing my children frustration because Grandpa and Grandma finally came for a visit and then they sleep half the day away. They usually don’t have a departure date and once they stayed for 2 weeks — long past their welcome, even for my husband (their son). The best description of them I can come up with is selfish. Their time is obviously more important than our time b/c of all of the above — they’re only thinking of themselves. My husband grew up this way so there’s no use making any rules for their visits — their pattern has been engrained for 50+ years of their marriaged life. My solution is to grin and bear it, go about my schedule as much as possible and rejoice when they’ve pulled away from the house.
oh goodness! I would be beyond frustrated with this situation. You know, just because they have been allowed to take charge of their visits with you doesn’t mean that you and your husband can’t start making some changes. I think I would begin with the next time they call, saying “Gosh, you know, this week just isn’t going to work for us. Is there another week that we can plan for?” This will probably throw them for a loop as it sounds like they have never had to *ask* if they can come visit. Well, it’s time to start training them. Then the next time they call, say, “Great! We are excited that you are coming. We need to let you know though, that we can only have you until next Thursday.” Then when they come, I’d say, “The kids have a busy week at school, we have to ask that the TV be off by 11” It will be hard at first, as you’ve never created any boundaries around their visits, and they might be a bit hurt and offended, but if you act completely normal about it… as in, it’s completely normal for you to set a few boundaries in your own home… they should fall in line. Don’t apologize and act like you’re inconveniencing them, take charge and kindly state your requests. Then treat them as honored guests and love and serve them while they are in your home.
Either that or you can always move and not leave a forwarding address 😉