How do you reach that first orgasm once you’re married?
Most women have quite the time adjusting to sex in marriage. It doesn’t feel automatically great right out the gate! So when writer (and friend) Rajdeep Paulus shared her story about finally reaching her first orgasm with me recently, I knew it was one I wanted to share with you because I KNOW HER EXPERIENCE IS VERY COMMON. And yet we don’t talk about it. So I believe that this post will be very encouraging to a lot of women.
Here’s Rajdeep’s story of how she figured out how to achieve orgasm in marriage.
I love sex. I really do. But I didn’t always.
I happened to be a virgin when I got married. Yes. That was the goal. I wanted to give my husband one first that was saved for him. And he saved his first for me. This made for a good foundation. We’d learn this sex thing together.
But it wasn’t easy. I’m just glad someone had the wisdom to tell me shortly before we said our vows to take our time. No need to get it all figured out on the wedding night.
Looking back, that was great advice. Because even if you’re not a virgin when you get married, there’s a lot of expectations placed on that wedding night experience. It was nice to come back to our hotel, and not have the pressure to have a fairy tale and fireworks’ first.
So when we walked into our room well past one in the morning, hubby led me first to the bathroom. Where he took off my heels, turned on the bath water to warm, and while I sat on the edge of the bathtub, he washed my feet.
Thinking back to that moment, his actions spoke as loud as the vows that were spoken earlier that day. He wanted to start a life of partnership, where we both serve each other, take care of each other and strive to meet each other’s needs above our own.
In the words of the man who spoke into our life during pre-marital counseling, “Aim to outdo each other in pleasing each other.” He was referring specifically to the sex in marriage.
So that night, we took our time taking each others’ clothes off, slipped under the covers, and shared our bodies. But we didn’t have sex. We were too busy exploring and delighting in the freedom of soft skin that we could touch and caress without a grain of shame or guilt. Just pure joy and wow to the wow feelings all over.
We did have sex the next night. On our honeymoon cruise to Alaska. And the exact words out of his mouth were, “I think that’s how it works.” And mine something like, “Is that it? Is it over?” Needless to say, neither of us were impressed. Him a tad more than me. What was all the hype? Let’s hit the midnight chocolate buffet, I suggested. I’m looking for that drink everyone talks about at the bar, I’m thinking to myself...the one called, “Better than…”
Yeah, I have to admit, sex was a let down at first. It didn’t get much better for some time. For almost a year, we went on like this. Frustration growing. Especially on my part. Wondered at one point if I was missing parts, or one key part. Started thinking I was broken. Worried I had made one too many mistakes before marriage and somehow this was my due punishment. Slumped into bed many a night and pretended to be fast asleep so I wouldn’t have to face the disappointment.
Then one day, I’m standing in the living room of my landlady in Dominica, where hubby is studying medical school, and she gets a phone call. So I stand around waiting for her to finish talking to her friend and read the titles on her bookshelf just to pass the time. A title pops out at me and all I can think is, how can I sneak that book off the shelf and under my shirt and back out of here without Mrs. C. noticing. The title was simply, “The Female Orgasm.”
Chickened out that day. Couldn’t bring myself to ask. And admit that I’d never had one. Sounds so pathetic. Newly married, and not experienced the “O” yet. Wahh.
But a few days later, I gave in. I was desperate. And the book was calling my name! So I sheepishly knocked and when Mrs. C. answered, I said, “There’s a book on your shelf I’d like to borrow.”
“Sure. No problem. Which one?”
“Ummm. Yeah. That one.” And I pointed to it. So I wouldn’t have to read the title out loud.
She laughed a good hearty Caribbean laugh and pulled it off the shelf and handed it to me. “Take your time.”
“Okay. I will. Thanks.”
“No. I really mean that. Take your time.”
“Ummm. Okay. So you don’t need the book back any time soon?”
“When you have relations with your husband.” She’s spelling it out for me. “Take your time.”
“Oh that? Yes. Okay.”
As I turn to leave, I wonder if I should ask more. Why not? I’ve already done the hardest part by admitting that I need help.
I take a deep breath and turn to face Mrs. C. “Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Sure darling. You want to sit down a minute?”
“No. just a quick question.” She did just say ‘take your time.’ I can already tell that I’m probably doing several things wrong.
“Is it just hard for women to have one when they first get married?”
“Yes….And no.”
“Hmmm.” I don’t know what else to say.
“You have to concentrate. Leave the world behind. Don’t think about the dishes in the sink. What you’re making for dinner. About the phone call you need to make to your mother. You need to be totally present. Men can get away with thinking about other things, but women—they need to be all there. In the moment. And one more thing.”
“Yes.” This is the moment I get the million dollar words of wisdom that will lead to my first ever “O!” I gotta feeling…
“Don’t answer the door if someone knocks.”
“Huh? Okay.”
I leave then, closing the door behind me, thinking of the times I’ve knocked on her door and no one answered. Oh. I get it.
So I rush back and skim and skim and skim all day. Reading every page, diagram, footnote and end note. Not really, but I did dedicate a day to the book I hoped had the remaining pieces to the puzzle. The puzzle of my body.
In the end, the book helped little. What helped more was Mrs. C.’s advice. But I have to be honest, I *we, were able to get me closer, closer, closer, but not quite there. I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, rising up to the peek, but never quite arriving. I think one afternoon, we were at it for almost an hour and in the end, nothing. Sheer disappointment. And tears. I cried. Hubby sighed. We were feeling defeated.
Then the phone call that changed my life. I called my best friend up who had been married longer than me, although not by much, and we talked about life, stuff, cooking, stuff, books, and more stuff. Then we started talking about our husbands and marriage. I broke down. “I’m broken. God forgot to give me the part.”
“What are you talking about?” My bff is very logical. Cut through the tears and tell me the facts type of gal. Exactly what an emotional basket case like myself needs many a day.
“I don’t think I have the thing, you know, the ‘c’ word, that helps a woman get her ‘O’ on. I think it’s either too small, too hard to reach, or just plain missing.”
“You’re not broken.” She assures me. “And I’m pretty sure you have it.”
“So what do I do? I can’t seem to have an orgasm.” Woah! I said the word.
“Listen. Do everything your landlady said, but do one other thing.”
“Okay?”
“Don’t stop until you get there.”
“What if it takes like three hours?”
“I don’t care if it takes 33 hours. Just tell him to keep stimulating your c [with his hands or tongue] until you have one. Then you’ll know what one feels like. And what to look for. And then, with each time, it’ll get easier. Take a shorter amount of time. And trust me, it’ll be worth it.”
“Okay.” Sounds like a plan.
“And call me to tell me you got there.”
I giggle.
“I don’t want to know the details silly. Just a verbal thumbs up is plenty!”
“I know.”
And that’s how I found the OHHHHHH!!!!! in my “O!”
And it took a very loooooooong time. Several hours. And I offered to quit a few times. But hubby said, “No. This time I’m gonna get you there. Relax. Sit back. And…”
My first O was OH so Amazing, I cried. Literally. I just couldn’t believed I worked. And Wowza! That God would create such a Wow experience for us to know and feel and share and live. The sensation took over my entire body and when it reached my head, I felt like joy rays were shooting out of my ears and music was playing somewhere in the heavens! It was Oh so wonderful to say the least.
Click here to learn more
My book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex lays it all out for you–with tips that really do work!
If reaching orgasm has been difficult for you, don’t give up! You can get there. And this book has tons of tips on how to make sex great emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Check it out here. You were created for pleasure!
And the best part, women can have more than one on any given occasion. These days, fourteen years of loving and loving later, my generous hubs almost always gives me three for the price of one. I kid you not. This is how we roll. In bed that is. And this is why I love sex. My husband is an unselfish lover. And I often sing this line as I rise from the sheets to clean up.
“How sweet it is to be loved by you.”
Because Sex is a sweet, special gift. So good. So good.
In marriage.
That’s my black and white on making love. Don’t shortchange your spouse with cheap and artificial substitutions of online porn or erotic novels that take you on a two second thrill ride and leave you wanting. Go for the real thing. Invest your sexual energy (we only have so much) into your live lover. The one who can love the mess out of you and you him. The one who takes you to the peek, over and back up again. With the gifts of real love, true freedom, and ultimate satisfaction. You can’t get that from paper or pictures. You just can’t.
Love your lover. With all you got. And discover the depths and heights where love can take you. Together. Sex is good. Now get to it. And if someone knocks, remember…
Don’t answer the door. 🙂
Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor. She’s been married for fourteen years to her best friend, a physician. They’ve got our daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York. She now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She blogs at www.insearchofwaterfalls.com and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that functions under water. You can also find her on Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/rajdeeppaulus/ and on Twitter is @rajdeeppaulus.
And check out her first YA novel–Swimming Through Clouds! Sheila reviewed it here.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Rajdeep did a beautiful job with her story! I just know that this will be an encouragement to some wives who struggle with climax. I have made this point as well that we wives must be able to focus on what is happening with our bodies and let go of all of the other distractions that demand space in our brains in order to have an orgasm. But Rajdeep makes a lovely point here that is so true: Once you have an orgasm, it gets easier to have the next one. You learn about your body and what your husband can do to arouse you to the point of ecstasy, and boom! there you are.
And the absolute beauty of God’s design is that when our husbands get us there, they are really turned on themselves. Husbands often report on my blog that they think that 3 for the price of 1 is a deal they really like!
Thanks so much for your verbal “High Fives! J.” Hubby went to work with a smile on his face when I told him “the story” is up! Because he knows there wouldn’t be a story if it weren’t for his generous dedication to our marriage and bedroom relationship! Celebrating tonight! 😉 -Raj
Rajdeep, I just love your pieces! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much Lisa! So appreciate your enthusiasm! 🙂 -Raj
This is a beautiful story! I love when women express their geniune love for their husbands in every area, especially sex! I wish some of my single friends could read this. I got married really young, 12 years ago, but have so many single friends who believe the lie our society says that marriage in boring and takes away your freedom. It is so aching to see hear this from my single friends because I can’t really convince them otherwise since its nothing they have experienced. I love how this blog is a big forum for Christian wives to have a voice and tell the truth, good or bad, about this beautiful thing called marriage! Thank you for posting this story!
Hi Jenn!
Share it! With your single friends! And I so agree: this Blog is a great place to share it all. And learn from each other!:) -Raj
I love your story. It shows that there ARE men like your husband out there!!! And that there is hope for this thing called marriage, that it can be awesome and sexy and exciting. 😉
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and yeah, our first few times having sex were like “What? That’s it?” for me. Fortunately we had done a TON of research on the subject before getting married (my husband loves to research) so we knew that’s how it would probably go. We did go through some frustrating times, but it helped to keep things in a long-term perspective. Sex gets better with time, because you grow together in intimacy on every level, not just physical. More recently we went through a period of time where a medication I’m on completely killed my sex drive for a while. That was tough. But through communication, space, and a lot of big doses of non-sexual affection, we got through it.
I love that this is a place where we can talk about these things. So often when we’re experiencing sexual issues in marriage, we feel like there’s nobody we can talk to. It can be very lonely. But we can talk here. 🙂
Thanks for sharing Melissa! That had to be so tough, what you went through, but sounds like your hubs is living out his vows, in time of sickness and in health! I think the hardest times for me *apart from newlywed blunders, were those nauseating prego weeks. Didn’t have any motivation until the morning sickness stopped. But then I loved it. Added bonus: I couldn’t get pregnant! Because I already was! 😉
I love Sheila’s blog too! Especially because I grew up in a culture where you just don’t talk about these things, and I’m excited to raise my daughters with my new freedom to share openly about tough topics. That’s how we learn from each other. First step: Laying our cards on the table. And reminding each other, you are not alone! 🙂 -Raj
Hi. Raj here!
I kept thinking there was one other thing that really helped which I forgot to include: Kegels. During sex. Something about contracting those muscles sort of gets the stimulation thing going.
Do you guys remember that game “Perfection” where the timer is going and you have this pressure to match all the pieces before they all pop up into the air? I equate sex to that! I feel like, for me, there are all these little things that have to be in place and working together to reach my first “o.” So find those things for yourself. And let your hubby give you the gift of the time it takes to get you there. That’s what marriage is about!
-Raj
Thanks for sharing. I think so many women feel selfish when they first (or even think about) spend time to figure out what sends them over the edge, but it is so worth it. I remind women they are not being selfish but rather they are giving their husbands a gift. Many men find their wife’s orgasm more pleasurable than their own. And yes, 3 for the price of one is never selfish in my husband’s opinion!
Megan
So true!! Well said. 🙂 -Raj
Megan,
You are so right. When my wife does not have an orgasm I feel as if I am using her. She insists I have my orgasm but it gives me a purely physical release. When she does have an orgasm I feel 10 feet tall and can enjoy my orgasm to the full as God intends. I feel completely “one flesh” with her physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is no experience to match that feeling. Marriage is truly a wonderful gift from God.
Yeah for the brave husband/man who was willing to comment!! Thanks for affirming the importance of both the man and woman arriving in bed! I think there’s something invisible and spiritual that happens when a husband and wife unite… That will have to be a blog for another day! 🙂 -Raj
I pray for the day my husband feels as you do about giving me an orgasm. To him, it is a chore or obligation rather than something he loves giving to and sharing with me.
Katd,
I am so sorry that you are having an unsatisfatory intimate relationship with your husband. If only he knew the joy and thrill of giving you what you need from him he would never again react the way he does. As Megan said often husbands enjoy their wife’s orgasm more than their own. This is so true for me. It gives me the freedom to really “let myself go” and enjoy my wife to the full. God intends sex to be wonderful and it can be when both husband and wife give themselves unselfishly. I believe that couples should make love WITH each other not TO each other.
Eph 5:25-33 is a good place to start for him. God can do anything, no problem is beyond His ability to solve. I pray that your problem will be solved.
I think for anyone still struggling in this area I would say this:
1) Don’t leave the onus all on your husband to give you an orgasm. You need to put a bit of welly into it too! (Raj’s husband obviously has endurance, but some could not cope with hours and hours of it: it could make them feel inadequate. Some men can hold an erection for that long, and using fingers for long periods of time can get very tiring for them)
2) Take responsibility for your own sexuality – do whatever it takes to turn yourself on (within your own conscience). Don’t rely totally on your husband for arousal – get yourself aroused by the response to your husband and the act of sex.
3) Give it some movement – moving your groin is very arousing; also any little fantasy which might take you over the edge can help (such as you are giving your husband an erotic massage or something to bring him great pleasure);
4) Try a different position – go on top and control the rubbing: forward and back is better than up and down (though you might want high energy up and down after you have climaxed because deep penetrative sex is always more pleasurable after an orgasm – or change position to missionary).
5) Don’t be afraid of some “sexy sex” – enjoying sex with your spouse for sex sake: for example “paintbrushing” (where the penis gently brushes the vagina) is very arousing.
5) Get visual. Watch yourself make love with your husband with a mirror if visuals help to turn you on. Men are very visual and like to watch – but some women can enjoy the visual side of sex too and find it very arousing.
6) Try masturbating so that you get to know your own body and what helps to stimulate if your conscience allows this. Or masturbate with your spouse if you prefer that.
Just a few tips – don’t deprive yourself of experiencing that physical joy of sex because you feel it is all down to your husband.
YOU are your biggest arousal mechanism – you will climax more easily if you put a bit of welly into it mentally and physcially!
Well said. “Welly!” Gotta look up that word! Chaulk full of great ideas! Thanks for contributing! -Raj
What a great post, love it! You gotta tell it personally in order to help people, thank you for sharing.
Your welcome! 🙂 -Raj
….oh and I forgot:
7) If both you and your spouse like it, talk to each other during sex – describe what you’re doing to each other using names of body parts (and other talk you are both happy with that, but make sure you’re both happy with the language used). This too is very arousing if you like it, and it can help you to orgasm more easily without hours of hard work for hubby 🙂
8) Let yourself go and enjoy your own and your husband’s sex noises, this too helps you to find sexual release.
9) Stop seeing an orgasm as something you have to “achieve” (like it’s some kind of exam) – if it doesn’t happen, then relax, your time will come 🙂
In the interests of cross-fertilisation (if it’s allowed and Sheila is happy with it), this blog might be of some interest to explore: http://monogabliss.com/welcome-to-monogabliss/
I found it a while back when my sex drive soared wanting sex three or more times a day and I became really orgasmic with my husband (we got a second honeymoon out of it which has lasted a long time!) and I was worried my new found sexual awakening might be somewhat sinful as I just didn’t know where it came from (somehwere deep within!) – so imagine my relief when I found a site called “Christian Nymphos” (now a blog called “Monogabliss”) where other Christian women had also experienced a sexual awakening deep from within themselves.
There are also some other Christian sites linked on there which might be of interest to help connect women with their sexuality 🙂
KEEP SHARING STORIES LIKE THIS!!! It makes me so incredibly sad that I was years…years into my marriage before I had any idea that it was ok to enjoy sex. It saddens me that many of our churches ignore this topic entirely. I had even heard a women’s bible teacher joke during a seminar about slipping into bed quietly and trying to avoid sex with her husband. And I thought that was just normal…. I am forever thankful for some of the blogs I’ve found (“J” you’re another one I love to read) just within the past year that have given me the freedom to understand my body, my husband, and God’s will that we should enjoy each other sexually! Thank you ladies so very much.
I don’t know where I’d be today if the women in my life hadn’t spoken up about this “hot” topic. You are so welcome Lynn! And I am so thankful for Mrs. C. and her willingness to start the conversation when I was a nervous newbie!! -Raj
Thank you for being so open in sharing your story. I know it will be an encouragement to many women – to those who are frustrated by trying to achieve an orgasm, for sure, but also to women who may have “forgotten” how important it is to pursue sexual pleasure with their husbands.
Your welcome Gaye! Good point. -Raj
Wow Raj, you hit the nail right on the head! Just that am not 14 years into marriage , just four 🙂
But I so identify. Sometimes in the early days we can feel so broken and feel like all is lost because the fireworks are not there – there’s so much pressure!
But i can testify that it does get better – if we faint not, continue to pray and seek answers.
Thanks for sharing this, i know it helps many people. Sure encourages me!
Thanks Ngina! I applaud every commenter who is willing to say I’m not alone!! -Raj
Tears for you, sister. I’m glad you had the mentors to ask, the husband with the love and patience, and the courage to share. Thank you for that. Thanks for reminding me that sex used to be wonderful and God can restore that.
Hi Maggie! Thanks for reading and yes, I am so so thankful for all the voices of truth that speak into my life, even when the topics are touchy. And yes, ultimately God gets the Glory for anything and everything good in my life!! 🙂 -Raj
I just started following this blog a few days ago, and I am beside myself with excitement to see this post today! I just turned 21 and married my 22 year old husband in January. We were both virgins and actually had pretty good wedding night sex, but I haven’t had an orgasm in 9 months of marriage. I’ve heard some people say that I may be too young to even be physically capable of having one (?) and since we actually have pretty splendid sex, I have felt a little selfish for wanting to have an orgasm so bad. My best friend got married in August – she was also a virgin – and started having multiple orgasms right away (though she is 24), so though I try not to compare, I’m certainly feeling a little insecure. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and I know some people say that it can be harder to have an orgasm (or easier!) when pregnant, but I’ve struggled with wondering if my body is broken too. I’m so very relieved to have this information you posted and some new ideas to try. I know I need to just be patient, but I’m so glad to hear that maybe I can have one if we just stick at it (maybe for a few hours!) until I have one. I’ve done a fair amount of searching on the internet and information about the female orgasm seems so mixed… does it come from stimulating the “c” on the outside or a place on the inside? Or both? Sorry this is kind of graphic and somewhat naive. Trying to figure it all out and not feel defeated in the mean time – I definitely need to work on focusing on just my husband and sex during sex too. Sometimes it takes me an hour just to focus. I know I need to be patient too, considering I haven’t been having sex for that long! One final question… do barrier methods of contraception make having an orgasm harder?
Karissa, I’ve got quite a lot about this topic in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, so that may help! As for what works, usually it’s the “C” as you put it on the outside, but a lot of women enjoy other things, too. Honestly, I’d just focus on what feels good. Focus on what you’re feeling, rather than trying to have an orgasm. And if you notice that something wants to be touched, tell him. No, condoms usually don’t make it harder for a woman, though they can slow a guy down!
Hi Karissa!
The only think I’d add is, there is nothing selfish about wanting an orgasm! 🙂 -Raj
Your age has nothing to do with it! Physiologically speaking, infants are capable of orgasm (I think that babies in utero have even been observed masturbating.)
Have you ever considered just touching yourself (with or without your husband present)? I know that a lot of Christians seem to think that masturbation is a form of adultery, but if you don’t believe that, I’d highly recommend it. Just getting used to your body and its reactions can be immensely helpful, and for some women, once you know how to have an orgasm on your own, it’s easier to have one with a partner.
Great post! I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone in finding it hard to reach O. I usually get to a peak pleasure where my head turns from side to side and my muscles tense up but I don’t feel the vaginal contractions. Does that mean I haven’t reached the Big O? Thanks!
Hi Unsure!
Thanks for being brave enough to ask! It sounds like you are close, closer, and enjoying the process… but your uterus definitely contracts during an orgasm, sometimes more, sometimes less. I think I was at that same place for many months during that newlywed year. Enjoying, stimulated, but never quite arriving. Sheila, do you have anything to add? -Raj
Wow! I have to say that I am amazed at all the information I am learning from this particular post! My hubby and I have a lot of sex and we both really enjoy it. We have been married 7 amazing months and were both virgins when we got married. As I am reading this, I find that I’m beginning to doubt whether or not I’ve ever had an orgasm, though like Unsure, I’ve at least come very close. I’ve thought many times that I have reached an orgasm. My hubby us very happy stimulating me in different ways and is good at it too 😉 I guess I will just continue to enjoy the closeness with Hubby and see what comes next!
Raj, you did a great job of writing this so clearly and empathizing-ly! Nice to know we’re not alone!! I have gotten to the “O” but it is a challenge to shut off the world. It’s also a challenge for my husband and I to take our time. 🙂 I think that’s part of it. Thank you for writing this to all of us. It’s really encouraging!
Your so welcome Jasanna! I have to be honest. I was a little nervous putting this out there! My blog is about my crazy life, but I never quite tackled this part of it! So I asked Sheila to take a peek. And she decided it fit with her site, so we went with it! ALL the comments and feedback have definitely been affirming. We all have struggles. And making time for our marriages is right there on the top of many of our lists. -Raj
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Raj, for sharing!! I had my first “O” several months ago after 17 years of marriage (orgasmic massage did the trick). Currently I’m in a “slump” of no “O”s for a few months. I, just today, confessed a sexually related sin to my husband that I had been hiding and am praying that that frees me to fully enjoy sex with him again soon. Your idea of doing it until it happens is a good one – I usually call it quits when I get frustrated but I think my husband would be happy to continue if I would suggest that. Thank you, Sheila, for having Raj post this — it obviously was needed (by all the comments) and it was a great encouragement to me and perfectly timed for me personally.
Hi Becky,
You’re so welcome! 🙂 It isn’t easy to confess to your spouse, even after many years of marriage. But a good friend recently reminded me how transparency is the key to intimacy. -Raj
Rajdeep, that was such an encouraging read. I am a new bride, waited for sex, and was almost 30 when I got married. Hubby and I spent several night of the honeymoon working on – and I actually had my first o in our own bed at home…. sex is now the joy I know God intended it to be… thank you for being so much truth- I think too many women give grace in this area, because they don’t want to invest time into their love life…. Thanks again!
Thanks Amanda! So happy to hear you’re married to a hubby who’s willing to work on it. I always tell my unmarried friends and cousins, wait for the guy who doesn’t think he has it all together but rather a guy who is dedicated to and “willing to work at it” in every aspect of a relationship! Especially the communication part! To many more! 🙂 -Raj
3 for 1…?? Wow! Trying to wrap my mind around that one. How is that possible?
Well, what I’ve found is the first “O” takes a bit of time to arrive at, especially in those early stages of understanding your body, for a woman, that is. But the second and third come much faster, almost effortlessly some days, and they can be even more enjoyable than the first because the pressure’s off that you won’t get there. You already did. Make sense?
Raj,
Thank you so much for this story. I am getting married in about three weeks and I’ve been getting nervous about that time. Your words really put me at peace. I’ll most likely read it a few more (dozen) times before then. Thank you for your honesty. They really help.
God Bless,
Kay
Congrats on newlywed days!! 🙂
That’s exactly where I’m at now, constantly being disappointed because we get so close to a climax and then nothing, even after an hour or two of trying with all sorts of methods and positions. It’s rather depressing to hear so many people say that sex helps them relax and sleep better because it totally doesn’t for me. I’m wound up and frustrated for hours or even days after every attempt, and it doesn’t really make either of us want to try again very often even though he enjoys it for himself.
I’d been looking for someone who’s gone through this and it actually seemed very difficult to find someone who was willing to describe their solution. I’m grateful for the example that it can be overcome, but it sounds like it takes a lot of patience on both sides. I really hope it’s still possible for me.
You know, if the solution is to just keep at it all day if that’s what it takes, that means you have to set aside that day so you aren’t rushed. Seems like ideally this should happen during the honeymoon because you’ve already set aside that time to be with your spouse. Why doesn’t anyone ever mention that before marriage? I wish I’d had this post to read several years ago. (What about getting sore from too much physical use in one day, though?)
Great question, on the soreness. I find that at the very start, my ‘c’ is very sensative, even to the slightest touch, and even hurts at times. But as time goes on, it goes from pain to rising pleasure. The whole journey still puzzles me, to be quite honest. And I find that the method that includes some kind of lubrication (saliva works) tends to hurt less when the process can take time. And I’m sure there’s some tiredness and soreness involved for the guy too, but I think the challenge of finding that moment is worth the effort. But that’s just me. And I think I speak for most women, the time factor goes down considerably once you sort of find your zone and how you arrive there. Hope that helps. -raj
I’ve been married for 17 years and have never had an orgasm. I have tried everything. I finally accepted that god made me this way. My pleasure is giving my husband pleasure. I was told years ago that marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100%. I don’t feel as guilty and selfish if I give my husband 100% of myself. He loves me and works hard to take care of us. I appreciate him got that.
I appreciate him FOR that I mean. Sorry.
This post has been really encouraging to me the multiple times I’ve read it! I’m so glad someone else struggles with orgasm and so glad to hear that there’s hope. Sometimes it feels like running at a wall–and KNOWING that I’m running at a wall. I’ve begun to let go in new ways and not let myself get beat up emotionally from expectations that I can’t hold to–I can’t *promise* myself climax. It’s something that happens when you let go, not when you hold on. Also learning how to work on it and ask my husband for the stimulation I need (he loves giving it!). I pray every wife can take this journey and learn how to climax regularly during sex!
Great feedback. Letting go instead of holding on. I like that! 🙂 -raj
Thank you so much for this post Raj! I only recently stumbled upon Sheila’s blog and am still taking everything in. I have been married for 14 years and have never experienced an orgasm. I feel like we have made a good effort, but I grew kind of despondent after the first year or so. Hub does try and really does want this for me. We have a pleasurable sex life for the most part. I think another commenter asked and I will reiterate, what about fatigue in hubs hand, mouth, etc… from trying for what could be hours? and what about the soreness and irritation in my area if we go for too long? I would love to hear other experiences. I know my hub would be open to a longer “session,” but I don’t know if I can stand any more disappointment. And I just have a hard time envisioning going for several hours as is mentioned in this post. What would that look like? All “C” stimulation? I would hurt… Would hub “O” before, during or after this effort???
Hi! Thanks so much for all the questions. I do not have all the answers, but I will tell you that each couple is unique. I think communication is key. There are times, I tell hubs, with a gentle hand on his shoulder, to slow down, and other times, I’ll say, “almost there” which kinda means to speed up (on the stimulation, if that makes sense) and although you rarely hear people converse on a Hollywood love scene, I think it’s okay to talk a bit more in the beginning through the process to affirm what works and what doesn’t, what feels great and what feels even better than great. For both parties. And in general, a guy needs a bit more time to “reset” so we go with let the girl get her “O” first. But I know couples who have mastered the art of simultaneous climax. Now that’s one I’d like some advice on. 🙂
-raj
I’ve never really had an issue with orgasming.
But now I have an issue with not being aroused at all. It was never much of a problem for me but now its irritating to be touched down there, and its like my C had no good feelings anymore.
I am so frustrated and I have no idea what to do…Is this normal? Will my body return to normal? Am I all burnt out down there?
Any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated!
I’d go and see a doctor, honestly. I’ve heard of women whose libido changes prior and after pregnancy, but after time, most have resolved back to mostly normal. Best to ask a physician and get a couple of opinions, in case the first doesn’t know a thing about this apart from the drugs on the market. Just sayin… -raj
I am in the same boat and can’t help but think maybe its not meant for me because I didn’t save myself for marriage or my husband but we both repented to the Lord.
we are both servers of Christ and I recently just started praying about intimacy in our marriage. It’s at times hard because I feel a bit embarrassed. . But anyway ive had orgasms before on my own and when ive exercised and in my sleep which is weird I know..but I want to with my husband so bad I want to feel that connection with him and I know he wants me to and feels down that I dont. Do you think there’s a place for something like a vibrator so hubby fingers dont hurt or is that a sin we have never used or thought of one but I feel im looking at all angles. We both take care of ourselves and exercise because for me I feel happier in my skin when i do but with pregnancy and nursing I dont feel as sexy as I once did and my hubby and I are tired more often than not with a waking toddler with just normal toddler behavior. My hubby and I our best friends but I think we may need more spice back and more romance for me. Any tips for me and advice? Thanks so much so feeling excited to have found this and feeling hopeful! God bless
I’ve read this post multiple times now–it’s the one I keep coming back to when I’m discouraged. I’ve been married for almost 8 months now, I was a virgin when we got married, and our honeymoon, while fun and relaxing, was honestly not that great as far as sex went. (At least not for me–super painful, took 4 tries over multiple nights to even really do it, etc). It’s less painful now, but still not comfortable, and definitely not pleasurable for the most part–I sometimes get a little stimulated, but it goes away very quickly. My husband is super-patient, but it’s still really frustrating for me, and I’ve definitely complained about being physically “broken” more than once. I’m hoping that someday I can look back on this and have a story more like yours.
This post gives me hope. My wonderful husband and I have been married almost 6 months – we waited for sex till we were married. I was raised with a healthy view of sex, I very much enjoy having sex, I don’t think I’m very inhibited, but I can’t seem to orgasm. I still love having sex even without the orgasm, but both of us are dying for me to get there. I feel like we’ve tried so many times, and I get really close and then just stay there.
I know we’ll get it one day, and we pray about it. I just wish there was a magic answer. Sometimes I’ve wondered if my clitoris is broken ???? Thank you for your post – it inspires me to keep trying.
You have NO idea how much I needed this. I’ve struggled for YEARS in my marriage .. feeling like I’m broken. It makes me sad that I rarely, very rarely have an O. Sex with my husband is mostly only fulfilling on an emotional level, and brings us closer. But I huge piece is missing bc it’s not sexually satisfying. I realize now that we just need to spend more time on me, and I need to be ok with letting my husband take his time. Starting tonight!
You are right on. Husbands and wives have to take their time. I’m one of those husbands that took the time ‘figure out’ what makes my wife tick. Boy am I glad I did… she is too.
For the record, and not to brag, but I frequently ask my wife is she counted that time… most of the time the answer is that she lost track after 5 or 10. 😉
So, yes, earn your wife’s trust, and learn to push her sex buttons, and perhaps your wife can lose track of her O’s… Don’t give up, and don’t be selfish.
I pour over so many blogs, and especially love Sheila’s, and her resources, and love her guest posts, including this one. But honestly, I am becoming more and more convinced that women’s sexual satisfaction is restricted to oral and hand led clitoral stimulation. I have never had an orgasm via penal penetration, though I easily have orgasms with a vibrator or other toy. I am also yet to meet a woman, at least ones willing to discuss their sex lives, who have enjoyed an orgasm while their husband is inside of them. Is this what female sex life is restricted to? Am i looking for sexual satisfaction in the wrong place? Should I just be satisfied with oral sex? I feel like sex is so hyped up and disappointing, that it has become a major turn off to even engage in sex with my husband of over 20 years. It’s not a relationship issue. Not a personality issue. Just a plain and utter disappointment that sex is wonderfully satisfying for him, while I barely get a few moments of oral stimulation. It’s nice, but if that is all sexual satisfaction is, then, honestly, I’m perfectly fine not bothering listening to heaving breathing and ecstatic groans from a happily satisfied husband, while I, yet again, have 30 seconds of feeling a fleeting moment of release. The female O seems more of a disappointing curse than anything.
I’m so sorry that you’re discouraged! I really am!
And let me assure you–YES, women can definitely reach orgasm during intercourse. Definitely. It helps when he learns to concentrate on her pleasure rather than his, so that he can last longer. And honestly, the orgasms feel a lot better that way, in my opinion. But I know that not everyone is there yet, and it doesn’t mean that other ways are “sub par”. But yes, it can definitely happen, and in my surveys, about half of women said that they do reach orgasm during intercourse.
I tend to suggest oral and manual when we’re talking about orgasm, because those struggling with it will usually find it’s easier with that direct stimulation. But that doesn’t mean you cant’ get there another way. Sometimes you just need to learn how your body works!
It is frustrating. And I would bet penal orgasm is not happening for most women. Even if I am inclined to apply your own feedback research as indicative of all women, half of women reporting an ability to orgasm while their husband is inside of them is a lousy statistic. It’s been more than 20 years of marriage and I also had sex before coming into Faith. Physically I check out fine. Emotionally and mentally I am fully present and turned on when I actually want to have sex. Sometimes I do think that I am affected by the Christian marital obligation to have sex when I am physically uninterested in sex. My husband has a supremely high sex drive – every day 2-3 times a day is his ideal. And although he is considerate not to attempt this since realizing early in our marriage how ridiculously impractical it is, I am aware of his need all of the time. It feels pressured, honestly. And when I say no it is such a let down that I can feel the atmosphere change. And if I say no twice in a row I will be reminded of my Christian duty not to deny him.
Frankly, sex is really not all that interesting to me in the first place because I have never had an orgasm outside of oral sex, so the pressure of Christian duty does not help my libido.
That said, my husband has come close to bringing me to orgasm while inside of me. You are right, it takes focus on the wife’s satisfaction and a man lasting longer than is necessary for his orgasm, or being able to get an erection quickly a second time so he can continue to please his wife. But it is still more of a frustration to feel turned on and it all fizzle to nothing.
I do not think oral masturbation is sub par. Frankly, I just think what it takes for a woman to orgasm while penetrated requires far more selflessness on the part of a man than men would really be consistent and patient with.
And with all the talk of Christian duty, I would imagine I am pissed off enough at this point listening to so many stories of unsatisfied wives being told to focus on themselves and learning their bodies, when the reality always seems to be that the man has a supposed Christian duty he is not performing to his wife.
Forgive my cynicism. I do appreciate your sincerity in all your resources, but I believe in many women’s cases it is lack of dutiful husbands and a society bent on downplaying the sexual needs of a woman, while upholding the needs of a man, which put so much pressure and guilt on women, leading to most of our issues in attaining an orgasm in the first place.
Maybe I can help someone, especially Frustrated… I am one of the few women who achieves the “O” through penetration. The best we’ve found (for me, we usually switch around a couple of times if it’s not a “quickie,”) is a variant of missionary where I wrap my legs around him – it helps me tilt. He will also sometimes stand up while I lay on the edge of the bed,
It irritates me that everyone says “it will happen”, “you can do it”, “just let go”. After 17 years of marriage I have tried everything and I have completely given up. Did anyone think that god did not create that piece of skin down there for pleasure? It might have been like nipples on a man, useless, or like the appendix, it had a purpose once but now it doesn’t, and society has perverted that area over the centuries. Everyone seems to blame the husband. It’s not his fault. My husband is very loving and takes care of me and works hard so we can have the life we do. I think I can live without an orgasm in appreciation for what he does. I just finished another period of trying everything and I think this might be the last time. I think orgasms are overrated. Honestly, if I had one now, after 17 years, I would be pissed that it didn’t happen sooner. I just wasn’t made that way.