What’s the minimum I can get away with?
That was my brother-in-law’s question in university. He was taking courses he needed to pass, but he knew that in the long run it didn’t matter if he passed with a 65 or a 99, as long as he passed. So he figured, why put it in the effort to get a 99 if a 65 will do? And he spent his weekends with his fiancee and working at a part-time job. Today he’s got a great job and no one looks at his university transcripts. He made the right decision.
But this question–“what’s the minimum I can get away with“?–only works in certain circumstances. It may have been fine in a school setting; it is not fine in a marriage setting.
Yesterday we began our look at 1 Corinthians 7:5, which says:
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
And I said that often in Christianity the answer isn’t clear cut. What does “do not deprive each other” mean? I argued that it does not mean that a spouse is obligated to have sex each and every time the other wants. It does not mean do not refuse. It means do not deprive, and they are different things.
So yesterday I was arguing for self-control. Today I want to argue the other side: for loving wholeheartedly. And perhaps it’s easiest to define what something is by showing what it is not:
1. “Do Not Deprive” Means Sex Can’t be a Weapon
The phrase “do not deprive” implies that there should be a healthy level of sexual activity–and that this is a legitimate need. I can’t deprive someone of the latest iPhone, for instance, but I can deprive them of oxygen. The iPhone isn’t a need, so it’s silly to say “do not deprive” in that context. But oxygen is a need.
If I were to say, “don’t deprive your child of affection”, you would think that this means “don’t withhold affection from your child”, because you know your child needs affection. So it’s not right to keep affection from them in the hopes that this may inspire them to do what you want. Affection isn’t something that can be used as a weapon. You can’t withhold it to teach your child a lesson, or to get something that you want, because it’s something that they need.
Similarly, you shouldn’t deprive a child of food, because that is a legitimate need. To use food as a weapon, then, is wrong.
I would argue the same thing applies when it comes to our sex life. This isn’t something that is optional in marriage. And it isn’t something that should be minimized or used as a weapon, either. This is something that is part of an “abundant life”. With your children, for instance, you want to shower affection on them, and make sure you have great meals together. We should be thinking along the same lines with sex: we should be showering our spouses with sexual attention, and we should be making sure we have great times together.
And those great times should be regular, not doled out infrequently, like crumbs. You don’t give your child crumbs off your table; you give them the best. And so your spouse should get your best, too: your best energy, your best time, your best attention. Sex isn’t like the icing on the cake–something that you add at the last minute which is fun, but not necessary. It’s the oil that keeps the engine going. You can’t ignore it or minimize it.
2. “Do Not Deprive” Means the Goal is Not Compromise
Here’s one that may be difficult for some to hear.
Often when there is a low libido spouse and a high libido spouse, people get into fights about how often we should make love. And we try to compromise. But does that really work? Let’s say that one spouse wants sex once a day and one spouse wants it once a month. Do you compromise and say once every two weeks?
Compromise can only work if both parties agree that sex is an important part of your relationship, and that both agree that it should be regular and frequent. Then compromise can happen. But if one would rather not have sex at all, and one wants it all the time, then compromise won’t result in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is only possible when both spouses believe that sex is important.
3. “Do Not Deprive” Means the Goal is the Maximum, not the Minimum
If we believe that there is a healthy level of sexual activity, then, the correct response is to focus on “how can I best embrace sex in my marriage?” It’s not, “how can I keep my spouse from bugging me.” It’s “how can I agree with God about how important this is?”
In order to fulfill the “Do Not Deprive” admonition, you’ve got to first agree with God that sex is important and good and intimate. It’s not just about saying, “Okay, I’ll never turn you down. We can do it whenever you want to,” even if you mean “I’ll just lie there and you can use me.” It’s about saying, “I want us to experience this together and feel close.” It’s about being an active participant.
All of which brings us to our last point–
4. “Do Not Deprive” Means that the Goal is Intimacy, not Just Release
If sexual release were the only need, and if sex had nothing to do with anything else, God could have designed a different way for us to get that release. After all, our other physical needs can be met on our own: we breathe on our own; we can eat on our own. And it is possible to obtain sexual release on our own! That, however, is not what God designed us for. That’s what God designed marriage for. Sex is about more than release. God created something that is truly intimate. The danger with depriving is not just that people will become sexually frustrated–though this definitely plays a part; it’s also that we’ll lose out on important intimacy.
Now, for many people that’s difficult. Maybe sex is painful, or you have other problems with sexual function. That’s okay! Take some time and deal with these things, with the goal of developing a healthy sex life. Maybe sex just doesn’t feel that good yet, or maybe you have trust issues or anger issues in your relationship. Work through whatever roadblocks you have to a healthy sex life–because this is something that is important in your marriage. And if you don’t know where to start, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help you overcome some of these roadblocks and find true freedom and intimacy.
Sex is a beautiful thing that should be a major part of our marriage. Don’t deprive your spouse, but don’t deprive yourself, either.
Yesterday I argued that do not deprive was not the equivalent of do not refuse. Today I argued that do not deprive implies that we embrace sex wholeheartedly. Tomorrow I’ll try to put them both together and come up with a healthy balance!
Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Once more, Sheila, a thoughtful, sound article with really smart advice!
I have been married since 1995, and deprived of sex since 2007. My husband had an affair, and got an STD that is contagious, through skin to skin contact. He tries to treat it but it doesnt work, it doesn’t help that after 2007, he began only taking baths every 3 or 4 months. I am very clean and and cannot stand his smell. He doesn’t want me to catch his STD, so sex is not an option. I had an affair and am very ashamed, I fell in love and planned a divorce , my husband knew all about it, then unexpectedly my new love died. My husband and I , still live in the same home, separate bedrooms and barely talk, but he likes the meals I cook and the housework I do. I have no family or friends, and don’t know what to do.
I’m not a refused wife, I am a deprived wife!! For some reason that hurts more mainly because it hurts that the man I love so much doesn’t embrace all that sex is meant for by God in marriage. For him, it is still very much a worldly release for the man. My prayer has changed from “I need more,” to “Lord, heal him of the wrong teachings and help him understand your design for sex within a marriage and grant me grace, gentleness and patience as you do Your work in him. May our sex life become what You would want it to be in love, mutuality, and frequency, and whatever road you have in store for us.”
Katd –
Many men need that same healing that you are referring to. Unfortunately, as teenagers, they are given the idea that sex is predominantly for release, rather than for intimacy. I haven’t examined all the issues of how that happens, but I’m sure that Hollywood has a lot to do with it. Most men can’t get to the point of realizing that their sexual union with their wife is about much more than release, until they hit a point of being sexually satiated. Then, they start to see that it is something more. Don’t give up on your prayers or your patience; he will come to see that.
It’s mainly marketing, marketing, marketing. All of the constant images that boys and men are bombarded with, all of the destructive messages about sex, and being told constantly that they’re animals and sexual drive is a purely animal instinct.
It’s funny, I collaborated with my husband last night to write a blog post about that very topic.
Thanks for that, Rich. Very true.
Love this blog! I read the three posts and do understand, but am still slightly unclear for some reason.
One can’t deny sex drive. If you recall your younger years, the urge to seek sexual satisfaction began at an age where it would have been illegal to marry. To me, it is obvious that this is a separate drive in and of itself in all of us and why we procreate. Of course, it is very special when my husband makes love to me, bonding in both a physical AND Godly/spiritual way. It’s truly a blessing.
However, I don’t feel that God wants me to set the bar to the point that we MUST have a spiritual connection each time we are intimate. If my husband and I can’t simply enjoy sex or provide sex for the physical pleasure (only with each other of course!), I feel that we are denying the power and existence of our God-given libidos. God gave us marriage. God gave us his only son to die for us, and we believe only in God’s word. My confusion is this: If, in the middle of the night, my husband or I have the urge, I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to satisfy my need or for him to feel guilty for satisfying his need. Many times in our marriage, it has been extremely satisfying but not spiritual. I’m unclear as to whether that’s God’s word in the Bible.
I also don’t want my husband to feel that pressure when he wants to take me, so to speak. Sometimes, a release of tension is just what he needs after work. In our case, I think he could use it daily. I know that God wants me to try to please him in the way I dress, in my loving words and in my actions as much as I can. I feel like the feminine qualities is why he married me, and I love giving my body and soul to him–both physically and through Christ our Lord.
Thank you for your blog, Sheila! You are truly a blessing to us all.
Casey
Casey, that’s a great question, and I’m so glad you asked it! I’m sure many other people have the same one.
You’re absolutely right–it doesn’t need to be spiritual EVERY time. There’s a difference between having a “spiritual sex life” and having a spiritual encounter each and every time. It’s perfectly okay to sometimes have sex and have it just be about something physical, or just about making the other person feel better even if you’re not that into it. That’s just giving a gift, and it’s fine!
For sure. It’s just that it has to be a freely given gift, that’s all. Does that make sense?
Sheila,
That makes so much sense! I was confused, but now I am not. You have a great way of explaining things. Giving myself to my husband and making him physically happy makes me happy and is a gift to him. I don’t have to feel guilty.
God bless you,
Casey
Thanks, Casey!
Great continuation of yesterday’s post, Sheila. I think generosity and pursuit of excellence is essential in marriage. Both spouses should be actively seeking to serve and love each other, sexually and otherwise. Sometimes that means patiently waiting until a better time for your spouse. And sometimes it means meeting your spouse’s sexual need in “creative ways” if intercourse isn’t possible. 😉
I think this is great!
Great follow-up. Seems like there’s a happy medium for both spouses advocated in your two posts. Love the analogy to feeding our kids.
Shiela – As usual, you’re doing a great job on this difficult subject. I totally agree with all your points; both in this post, and yesterdays. Unfortunately, I don’t think that most women understand how much of a need sex is (probably an exception for the women who read your blog). I try and explain it to woman by telling them their husband’s need for sex is as great as her need for love and affection (in a non-sexual way). I also tell men that their wife’s need for non-sexual love and affection is as great as their need for sexual intimacy.
I think the beauty of the way that God created sex is that we each need deep intimacy–but we experience that intimacy in different ways. And when we do work on pursuing intimacy, everything seems to click into place. But if we hold back and say, “I’ll only give to you when you give to me”, then we stop intimacy from developing. It’s all about choices, and choosing to do the Christlike thing.
How true, but the major choice has to be to love your spouse unconditionally. That means that you’ll love them, no matter how or even whether they love you in return. Too much of sex, romance, and other loving acts in marriage is a “business transaction,” where one does something so that the other will.
There was an interesting article in the January 2000 issue of Redbook magazine. A woman proposed the idea of making love for seven days, as an experiment, to see what it would do to her marriage. She didn’t bother telling her husband, just did it. The result of that one week transformed their marriage. Instead of complaining about her husband not doing the things she wanted him to do, she found that he was doing them without being asked. By investing in intimacy in her marriage, that woman received everything she wanted.
I read a similar article in a British paper where the woman tried for 31 days. The story made it into my book!
Ha! If I did that, my husband would yell at me to leave him alone! But if he did that to me, I’d stop treating him like a king and treat him like an emperor!
Rich what do you propose when it is the husband who constantly rejects sex?
Exactly. That’s what I’d like to know. The wife can try all she wants but what if the husband is just not turned on by her.
Rich, your comment here and Sheila’s response are, so far – to me, the best points in here! Thank you!
I love #2 ““Do Not Deprive” Means the Goal is Not Compromise” Great truth!
Thanks, Scott!
Such great advice! I have often had to pray to be a willing participant in our sexual relationship. As an abuse survivor, it takes an act of God to be able to move beyond that bondage and embrace what God intended sex to be. And if the Lord says it’s important, you can rest assured He will answer prayers for healing and desire. It’s amazing the difference in our marriage and in my man when sex is a regular activity in our lives. I’ve heard women say some horrible things about sex and their husbands and I always imagine how very painful that would feel to hear those things spoken by my own spouse…
My husband came to our marriage with a porn addiction that I refused to compete with. But God also had to heal me from a lot of sexual abuse history. And then God had to heal us because we had sex before we were married. He forgave us, but we didn’t forgive ourselves. But the night we did, we felt His presence so strongly and our marriage bed became pure. That night, we gained the intimacy and it wasn’t just sex anymore.
We went to a marriage mythbusters class at our church a couple of years ago, and I’ve never forgotten what one instructor said. Ladies, he gave up all other women for you. Guys, she gave up all other men for you. So make sure that if you’re having sex, it’s great sex. We have a lot of fun and we both walk away with our needs being met. He has that release, and I get the affection. And after reading Sheila’s blog, we are definitely more open and communicating about what each other needs.
This is awesome to read. 🙂 I know exactly what you mean about not forgiving yourself. My husband is my second husband, and even though my first husband left me (despite my trying for counseling and other things that might have helped) I still couldn’t forgive myself for being divorced. It’s hard to get past. It’s also hard to communicate about sex, but once you start it is so freeing to just be able to talk about it as friends. 🙂
So often this blog seems to say that the cure for marriage is constant sex. I would love to read some posts for people who believe that artificialbirth control is against Gods will and and so cant be having sex to cure every ill. How can you make sex a positive force in your marriage even when you must periodically abstain?
I guess I’d say that depends, Alex. There are certainly things that you can do sexually during those times that don’t involve intercourse. But if you’re talking about non-sexual things, I also talk a ton on this blog about how to work on your friendship! I think laughing together everyday is so important, and helps us get over those times when sex isn’t possible.
Wait – are you saying that you believe birth control is against God’s will, and that sex can’t be a positive force in your marriage when you must occasionally go a few days without sex?
Because I very strongly disagree with both of those sentiments….
Ummmm……ok, so there are 30 days in a month (give or take). The average period lasts 5 days. The ovulation window is usually around the same…and conception can be prevented with use of condom or spermicide during those times rather than artificial birth control. You can also have sex during her period, at least on the lighter days. However, if you feel you must completely abstain, that’s an average of 10 days, leaving you with 20 days a month to get busy. I’d say that is healthy, frequent and keeps a marriage well-oiled.
Ya know what I think it is? Tell a man he can’t and it’ll drive him nuts until he can! My hubby could care less about sex when I am raring to go, but put a “no” or “can’t” to it and he’s crazy for it! I could be ready for passion all month long and he’s not interested, but as soon as my period starts all I hear is complaining that I am out of order.
You know, there are other things you can do for your man during those times you can’t have vaginal intercourse. It was said that Ruth laid at Boaz’s feet, so there is no reason why you cannot “kneel at your husband’s feet” during those times. He can play with your hair and you both can make continuous, intimate eye contact while you “demonstrate your respect” for his needs. Such an act of submission won’t go unappreciated, I assure you.
Katd my husband seems to be the opposite… he loves it when I get my period because he knows it’s a whole week I won’t even try to initiate. I find that sad 🙁
I believe the Orthodox Jews call the first time after their monthly abstaining their monthly honeymoon, so I think God certainly knew what he was doing there. If you mutually look forward to your next time together after your agree upon abstaining, isn’t that kind of delightful? Sounds lovely to me, really.
Sheila – Brilliantly done! I love the balance of your four points. If we miss any of these four, the others cannot be achieved. I pray that men and women, refused and refusers will hear the WHOLE message here.
I love this! Awesome handling of this topic, and I think this is true in marriage in general not just sex. We ought to go in thinking about how much we can do, not how little.
Love this article!!! Very, very good explanation.
I cannot relate to the women who want it, who are married to men who don’t. I have to consciously work hard at being enthusiastic about sex (Thank you, Shannon Ethridge!). He’s very kind, patient, and unselfish in the bedroom. The best light bulb moment I had was when I decided that sex IS a gift! (Sheila, your helping me to understand the physical needs of men played a huge part in this) I came to our marriage, a virgin, and on our wedding night I gave him that gift, but it is also a gift that I can continue to give him every time we make love. When I come into it with that attitude, it’s much easier for me to enter in positively and enthusiastically.
While I can’t understand man who don’t want it, I can’t understand women who don’t want it either.
Sex IS a gift as you said. But it’s a wonderful special gift and I struggle to understand why anyone wouldn’t be enthusiastic. it’s killing me my husband is extremely UNenthusiastic.
Amen. I mean if you’re under 70 you should be able to have sex with your spouse. I’ve heard of couples that age that do. It IS a gift and a CRUCIAL part of marriage.
#3 seems to me to be the best choice. That means that the act should occur as often as both spouses want it and ar able to do it. Since most husbands (not all, I accept) want sex more often than wives, then it should happen as often as she is able to do it. By that I mean not have any physical reason to refrain and also that there be no unresolved marital dispute between them which would hinder union.
Personally I get very little pleasure from the act unless my wife is fulfilled, if she is then I feel completely ‘one flesh’ with her. I am usually walking on air all the next day. There is no experience to compare with the joy of mutual fulfillment. A loving and caring husband should want nothing less for his wife.
“Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” This part of the scripture particularly stuck out to me. I do think Satan can drive wedges into marriages– not wanting to be intimate because of selfish reasons does show a “lack of self-control.” I liked hearing that some others pray for positive sexual experiences.
Just a thought to add to the pot — having regularly scheduled sex can be a godsend when life starts to get crazy or medical issues intervene. My husband now takes medication which interferes with erections. He can vary when he takes it, but there’s a several hour lag involved, so it’s just more dignified and natural to have “standing appointments” for sex that we both expect to keep.
Very true! Thanks for adding that.
It has been 5 years of deprivation. We kiss (peck on lips not passionate) one before he leaves once before he goes to bed. We hold hands if we go out to dinner (just on way there) That is it. I have tried so many spiritual ways to put out of my heart a need for intimacy…we just sit in our recliners and watch his shows and this is every evening. I find myself sitting in my car for hours crying cause to bring up my needs he gets mad tells me because of our wonderful life of things I have no right to be depressed and that makes him angry… I would never cheat but finding the want to be here less. He takes great financial care and helps our families out thoughtlessly. Yet he says I should not feel this way. I am pretty, at least people at work say I am. So I don’t get what is wrong. I have complained once a month, only last 3 mo., I never nag or give him honey do lists,…..just dying inside ….5 years…he says this is normal after 14 years married…he is 48, me 45…feel too young for it to be over ( was 40 when he stopped ). Am I crazy?
No, you’re not crazy! And this is really not acceptable in marriage. I’ve written a few posts on what to do when your spouse completely withholds sex, and perhaps they may give you some guidance. You can read here and here. I’m so sorry. I know how lonely you must feel. But no, this is DEFINITELY not normal and it’s definitely not right.
I COMPLETELY agree Sheila. I just don’t understand how husbands can be so sexless???
I thought your article on 1 Corinthians 7:5 was interesting…Some of the letters you got from men were also:)…It’s very hard to take one verse and gain any perspective that we can jump and up and say this how it is…To the man who felt he was deprived during his wife’s periods…He might want to look at what God said about that in the Law…Also, if he can’t make it 5 days, what is he going to do if something bad happen’s?? Trying to use carnal thinking to make statements to your mate to enhance your position isn’t what the scripture was given us for…He and I should focus on what the husband’s part say’s, And let his wife seek out truth to what is given to wives… I know we all have our stories, and I know first hand that many wife’s and husbands are not doing (submitting their bodies, in Grace and humility) what they should be doing…
If a person just isn’t bound by self-absorption or a controlling spirit, then there usually is a reason for the bedroom problems…You just have to be wise enough and care enough to deal with it…Some men and women may be just pursuing the things of the world at such a pace they loose interest, their priorities get skewed (out of line w/ scripture) it’s easy to do!….Some may look for life (give their spouses time too) in their children, jobs or other things….It can really do an number on the spouse who is left unfulfilled…Two things I do know….I will never answer for another’s neglect in this area or any other for that matter, but I will answer for my own! Also, if my identity is in the Christ and not my spouse, I experience his peace no matter what her actions toward me are….I have found in most cases, if I treat my wife with loving kindness, and seek to live with her in an understanding manner…She is much more apt to submit in the bedroom even if she see’s it as chore vs the way I see it….:)
My husband and I have an ongoing conversation about frequency that I feel is going nowhere. I’m thankful that my husband does not use porn or fantasize, we are very open with each other and will even share occasionally (“hey, I had this weird temptation and I didn’t act on it but just wanted you to know so I don’t feel like I’m hiding anything…”). Since day one of our marriage I’ve had the higher drive, but we didn’t realize what was going on until a few months in. The struggle with feeling rejected, disappointed, and unneeded is real. Even though we’ve had some great times, it never seems to be enough and I’m dealing with a huge amount of grief and not sure where to turn.
It’s not low T–we’re pretty sure it’s related to his epilepsy which is somewhat, but not completely, controlled by medications which have also been known to affect libido. A couple of months in we noticed this weird dynamic after his worse seizures–touching me would feel “wrong” to him. Even something as simple as holding hands would make him jumpy for a time. That usually fades, so after the first few months of freaking out about this I’m come to accept it as normal. We also have the difficulty of his memory issues. We’ve had multiple conversations about intimacy (they seem to be getting more intense lately). We often seem to reach some sort of resolution, but then he’ll have a round of seizures and later all he recalls of the conversation is that “I though we said once a week was enough?” or “you told me I should touch you more often?” I can’t seem to communicate that it’s not just about the touch, it’s about intimacy, feeling needed, feeling desirable and close.
I understand the need to be sensitive and not ask for intimacy after his seizures. And I think that at no time have I made him feel inadequate if he has trouble with performance. I’ve tried to stress over and over that I just want to be close (when he is feeling well). But lately I’ve been having difficulty not taking it extremely personally when he is “too tired” even on our anniversary trip or he says “we just did it two two nights ago, I was thinking we’d try tomorrow.” I feel the need to take advantage of every opportunity we have when he is not affected by a seizure, so if he postpones for another night I’m afraid he’ll have a seizure the next day and we’ll go another week with nothing…
Apologies that this comment is so scattered.
No advice I’ve seen about frequency or different drives addresses the situation in which there is nothing to be done about the other person’s drive. There is a physical cause, but there is no “fix.” He needs those medications and he’ll always have epilepsy. And no advice I’ve seen addresses how to proceed when a helpful marital discussion gets “erased” and you have to have it all over again. And again. And again. I realize it’s not personal on his end, but the frustration and grief are real. This isn’t something I can just talk about it with anyone, and I feel very alone.
Oh, Lost, that’s really tough. That’s when we’re called, “in sickness and in health”, to bear with the other person and love them. It definitely is grief. It really is. And yet you are one, and this is something that you’ll have to deal with, as difficult as it is.
Just please ensure that when he is between seizures and he’s good that you guys do a lot to build your connection–both physically and emotionally. You need to talk about how you still need to feel loved, even if he can’t touch you (which is likely a very real side effect of sensory flooding). He needs to be there for you when he can, just as you need to be there for him.
But it is real grief. It’s okay to use that word and admit that’s what’s going on.