Were you cool in high school? I wasn’t. I didn’t try to run with the popular crowd. I wasn’t interested in dating a ton of guys. I concentrated on school and my part-time jobs and just did my time until university.
But we all knew what “cool” was back then. It was kids who were trying to act older than they actually were, because people who were older had higher status. So kids who did “grown up” things like drink alcohol or sleep around were seen as cool, as long as they were also good-looking and semi-literate.
I don’t think cool has changed that much, and I don’t think Christians are immune to it. I think a lot of Christians are really trying to be sophisticated. Sure, they love God, and sure, they want to stay on the straight and narrow, but maybe our definition of “narrow” is too narrow. Maybe we need to be more “sophisticated”.
I was struck by this recently when looking at reviews on Amazon for the OTHER sex books that are out there. As most of you know, I recently wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. And one of the hardest chapters for me to write was the one on what is okay in a Christian marriage and what is not. Those who have been reading this blog for a long time already know my positions on things like sex toys or self-gratification or stretching the boundaries, but it’s still hard to write, because the Bible isn’t crystal clear. So I tried to find the spirit of the law: you do things that increase intimacy, not things that decrease intimacy. And things that stress only the physical side of sex, and never the spiritual connection, can really make our sex lives shallow.
I had thought that this was a fairly universal opinion, but in looking at the other books I was amazed at how many even recommended using erotica to help arousal. And these are Christians! Or how many other authors just simply ignored the whole “spiritual” intimacy aspect and only talked about the physical, because that’s supposed to be so much more sophisticated.
It’s not.
Then I also stumbled across Melissa Jenna’s post on “All The Good Ones Aren’t Taken“, written to single girls about how to attract a great Christian guy. And what she said really resonated with the same sort of thoughts. There’s a lot of pressure among everyone in the church, whether single or married, to have more “sophisticated” views when it comes to sex. Even if we don’t specifically say that premarital sex is okay, we somehow give the impression, “it’s not really so bad. Everyone’s doing it.”
And then all these women start watching Magic Mike or reading erotica because it’s all so grown up and sophisticated.
Okay, it may make you cool. It may make others think that you’re all grown up. And just like those authors found, it may even make you popular. But that’s not the route to true happiness.
Melissa addresses the single women who are falling for this objectification of sex in movies like Magic Mike, and says it’s no wonder they can’t find good Christian men. She explains:
If you allow an unworthy guy to define your value, do you know what your value will be? Zero. Nothing. Less than nothing. Disposable. And that’s exactly how I felt. And when you allow yourself to be treated as if you’re disposable, you begin to believe that you are disposable, so that when you do cross-paths with a really amazing, godly guy, you will not feel worthy of his affection. Not only that, but I’m convinced guys have a sixth-sense about this kind of thing; they can “smell” when a girl doesn’t value herself, and generally, they keep their distance. Like I said, the “good ones” are looking for the real-deal. Are you preparing yourself for that, or are you caught-up in pursuing guys who will ultimately treat you like you’re disposable?
Sophistication looks oh-so cool, but all it really means is that you’ve traded intimacy for what looks like easy popularity. You’ve gone along with the crowd, and you feel more mature and even more empowered, but really you’re heading in exactly the wrong direction. And whenever you find yourself traveling in the same direction as the crowd, chances are you’re involved in sin, not holiness. It’s really quite simple.
And her message, I think, applies to married women, too. If you trade intimacy for sophistication, which is what our culture is always trying to get us to do, you’re going to lose out on what is most precious.
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Yes, the physical side of sex is amazing, and yes, God made it to feel wonderful. Yes, we have incredible freedom in Christ. But as I’ve said so many times before, true intimacy doesn’t need latex and batteries. It doesn’t need pornography. It doesn’t need you to get aroused first by looking at something “sexy”. True intimacy focuses on your lover, not on something external. And that doesn’t mean that we’re sacrificing pleasure, either! In fact, the women who are most likely to reach orgasm are religious women who are married, the very ones least likely to do all of these things. It’s the relationship that makes the physical feel even better.
So if you’re single, don’t sell yourself short. The great guys are looking for the real deal; trying to be more “cool” or “sophisticated” isn’t the real deal. And if you’re married, don’t buy the lie that you’re somehow not enough, and you need all these extras. You don’t. I didn’t think this was controversial in Christian circles, but I guess it is, so let me say it loudly and clearly again: God made sex to be a beautifully intimate experience physically, and emotionally, and spiritually. If you neglect one, the others will never be as great.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband and I couldn’t care less what people think of our beliefs…..We’re liberal concerning certain things, but we’re conservative concerning other things, and when it comes to sex and sexuality we’re a bit of both. People in our lives know exactly how we feel about things like Magic Mike and Hardees commercials (the new one is horrifically pornographic, in case you haven’t seen it…), and they also know that we support a strong, fun, frequent sex life in a marriage. Our views concerning porn and otherwise inappropriate materials are well known even to people we genuinely like who have opposite (“cooler”) views, and we back our arguments with facts and figures and logic. But they also know that we love sex, that we’re super loving, flirtatious, and physically affectionate with one another, and that we’re the exact opposite of prudes in our intimate life together. We just believe as you do, that it’s so much better when it’s relational. I think that we’re good examples to people who believe lies about sexuality, to realize that you can have an amazing, mind-blowing sex life that is made better by staying away from things that may be “cool,” but that are actually a gross perversion of one of God’s most beautiful gifts and a stumbling block in your relationship both with your significant other and with God. My husband has actually stood up to men he works with, challenging them when they start talking about things like that, and I’m so proud of him because that takes guts.
Thanks for speaking the truth, Sheila! There are so many who believe that the Bible is outdated and irrelevant to modern society. I say to them – Hogwash! God’s principles are NEVER outdated, and they were given to us for OUR protection.
Have I “always” believed this way? No! I spent the first 23 years of my life outside of Christ, so I have most definitely “been there and done that” all in my own way. Now at 46 years old, I have spent the second half of my life (so far) doing it God’s way – and there is NO WAY I would ever go back to what I left behind.
And by the way, any Christian who promotes using erotica (of ANY sort) is going directly against the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:28. Inviting third parties into your bedroom will NEVER promote Godly intimacy in a marriage.
I totally agree, Jason. I think some of the issues are really difficult, like sex toys, and other things. My main concern isn’t with the practices themselves necessarily but with the fact that what they do is make us think of sex in SOLELY physical terms, whereas what makes sex so great is that spiritual connection. You know the difference between just physical sex and stupendous godly sex, and I wonder why so many Christians give up the promise of the latter to listen to the lure of the former?
Satan has the title of “Father of lies” for good reason. He’s had a couple thousand years to perfect his attacks. What makes it work for him is that every lie he speaks is wrapped around a teeny-tiny kernel of truth. (“Did God REALLY say…?”)
And sadly, it works way too often. Look at the recent garbage with “was Jesus married?” Amazing how so many people will jump all over a tiny little scrap of text as “absolute proof”, while saying out the other side of their face that the entirety of the Bible isn’t enough “evidence” of God for them. Our world is on a downhill slide that’s not likely to get much better.
Revelation 22:20 – “He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming quickly.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
I know I sure needed this post today–that encouragement as a single to keep waiting and hanging on to hope for intimacy and companionship–following God’s design. It’s a tough place to be caught between a world gone off the deep end of sex, and stuck with what so often seems as little hope of ever meeting a godly spouse.
But I’m always reminded of that lyric from Petra’s “Minefield” song–“Think the grass is greener? You’d better look around; everywhere you look another casualty is found.” (taken from 1 Peter 5:8)
Great song, Greg! And I’ve always told my girls that you have to BECOME the kind of person you want to marry. If you don’t want cool, then don’t be cool.
God’s blessings as you wait.
Thanks Sheila! “…you have to BECOME the kind of person you want to marry” I love that quote! With God’s grace and strength, where I need to be.
Thanks Sheila for speaking wisdom and truth! I am so saddened to hear that there are Christian authors leading people who are searching for direction away from the truth!
I am on a path of redemption in my life right now and it is so wonderful! Your wisdom has been instrumental in pointing me towards God’s plan for marriage. Thank you!!
You’re welcome, Jess!
My husband and I have been married for 10 years…We enjoy one another and our intimate time….And i agree whole-heartedly about your stand on erotica and all of that, But I do wonder if lingerie or even costumes cross the line? It’s something I’ve questioned for a while and I’m honestly not sure what’s right or wrong….
Steph, that’s a hard one. The line that I took in the book (you’ll have to get the book to read the whole argument 🙂 ) is that most lingerie is just pretty, and most of us feel far more comfortable in a little bit of cloth than we do in nothing at all. And men tend to be visually aroused, so I think there’s nothing wrong with that. As for costumes, that’s a harder one. Again, I don’t think it falls into the category of sinful necessarily, and there is a rather primal urge that comes from God for women to just want “to be taken”. But when role playing becomes something like “pretend you’re satisfying the football team” that’s definitely wrong. And I think anything that encourages us to think about sex with a stranger is also just dangerous. But if it’s two married people, and they’re having fun, then it’s really hard to say. I guess I’d just say that if you rely on this for ALL of your sex life, then you’re missing out on something. If you’re just having fun occasionally, and it’s not really stepping over a line you’ve both drawn, then that’s really your choice. But when couples start to rely on things like that, then I think they’re missing the bigger picture, you know? But I have a lot more about that in the book!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with lingerie whatsoever. I have quite an extensive lingerie collection, and it’s nice to wear under a pretty outfit (which, I don’t own anything other than that….you’ll rarely catch me in jeans!) and show your guy a peak of what’s underneath when you’re out. 🙂 It’s also really nice how feminine it makes you feel. For example, right now I’m wearing a high-waisted dusky rose colored skirt and a white button-up short sleeve shirt with a peter pan collar, and underneath it I’m wearing a sheer, fitted white camisole with silver embroidery throughout, lace trim on top, and a self ruffle on the bottom, that has clasps all the way up the back, and a turquoise lace panty – I feel so sexy, even though my outfit is modest, and it gets me even more in the mood (as if I need any help!) to have amazing sex with my husband as soon as possible! And he definitely appreciates it too! He loves how feminine I am. Granted, it comes off pretty quickly when you’re at home – but then again you’ll rarely find me in clothes around the house! I don’t do costumes – honestly I find it kind of silly – but wearing beautiful lingerie is something that to me seems almost essential. …..Then again, I’m more girly than most women.
Also, do not underestimate the power of a vintage full slip worn underneath a dress (perhaps sans bra?) to make you feel like a vixen!
Great Post! My four children have waited patiently for God’s choice for them and the two that are married have amazing spouses and marriages. God’s ways are SO good!!!
That is encouraging, Lori! I’m praying the same for my two girls.
It seems I’ve been hearing this message a lot lately. Thank you Sheila for showing women their worth in Christ. God Bless!
You’re welcome!
Very true words. It is incredibly important to remember the truths of why God created sex and what sexual freedom really is. In my opinion there are certain necessary boundaries in place regarding sex not as restriction but instead as the parameters of how we can truly be free. For those who have placed their faith in Christ it is important to offer our bodies to righteousness leading to holiness. (Rom. 6:19) Only when we are willing to view sex through the eyes of the One who created it can we understand the ecstasy He created it to be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Megan
Love this: “necessary boundaries in place regarding sex not as restriction but instead as the parameters of how we can truly be free.”
thanks, it seems we’ve wanted to create a god who is acceptable to us, so we’ve also distorted his word as well. He did create something beautiful, which Satan is constantly trying to destroy.
Sometimes it does feel like we’re just overgrown teenagers asking that age-old question of “How far is too far?” I’ve decided that, while I will answer that question when asked specifics, it’s not really the right question. If your attitude is “what can I get away with in the sexual arena?” whether outside or inside marriage, you’re not really focused on how to make marital intimacy a God-honoring, relationship-building experience. Sure, we need answers at times when we don’t know what’s right, but I agree, Sheila, that we sometimes seem to simply be paying attention to what’s cool.
Exactly, J! It’s the wrong question. The funny thing is that the people who want to stretch the envelope the most are doing so because they want the physical high. And yet the best physical high is found with true intimacy. It all goes together. I wish more people understood that.
it seems we’ve wanted to create a god who is acceptable to us, so we’ve also distorted his word as well. He did create something beautiful, which Satan is constantly trying to destroy.