Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks about problems in the bedroom.
My husband has had problems maintaining an erection. He’s used a variety of medications, but none of them is a “cure all”, and he feels a lot less of a man now. He’s almost become scared of sex.
Has anyone else gone through this? What do you do? Can you maintain a good sex life without intercourse?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I just had a reader ask almost the exact same question of me. Looking forward to the responses.
One suggestion I had: Do everything your power to boost his “man ego”. Having ED is extremely emasculating to most men. Let him know that you love him, that you want him, that he can still satisfy you without an erection. Don’t draw attention to the fact that he can’t get an erection, instead, draw attention to all the things you can still do without one.
Here’s a response that Athol Kay recently posted to a similar question at Married Man Sex Life – http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/the-male-chastity-low-testosterone-workaround/
I don’t know if it is psychological, inherent, or taught by society, but a big part of men’s self-image is hanging between their legs. Size, stamina, talent… it all affects our raisen d’etre. The primary (and well-advertised) purpose of that piece of equipment is for thrusting power and “filling a need”. If it won’t go up, it (generally) won’t go in.
HOWEVER, thrusting isn’t the only thing that you can do with it, or that feels good. Trying to please a man by treating him like a woman (let’s cuddle, kissing is good enough, doesn’t a backrub feel great?) won’t help him get his woody back. Our focus is geared between our legs. Trying to shift that focus just sends the message that the equipment is permanently broken, or useless. Instead, have him lie back, relax and enjoy what you can do with his member when it isn’t a steel pipe. Oral sex may never have been so much fun, or easier as when it is down. And if it isn’t coming up fast, it will last longer, too.
Making him feel relaxed, and able to accept pleasure without needing to provide a “sturdy structure” will take the pressure off, and may help return his ability to rise to the occasion. If nothing else, it’ll provide some intimate time without sending a negative message. Even if it doesn’t come up, he’ll still probably feel more comfortable giving you other methods of pleasure in return if you need/want it.
Maybe the following are all assumed in the question, but on the surface there is not nearly enough background information.
1) How old is the man?
2) What kind of medications is he on, if any?
3) Have T levels been checked, and even then, don’t assume the doctor really knows what he is talking about. “Normal” levels may not be normal for an age group.
4) Is he under a lot of stress?
5) Is he sleeping well enough? And to that point, what time of day are you trying to get busy? Try mornings instead of late at night.
6) How’s his health otherwise?
I don’t think it is a good idea to consider how to have a healthy sex life without the man being able to get an erection. Getting an erection is a barometer of a man’s health, not just about being able to have sex.
I agree. A lot of the time ED is a symptom of some other problem. Make sure he is healthy first, then I would agree with the first comment in encouraging him and showing him all the fun you can have without one. If it is just stress/fear then that will help.
I’m sorry you are dealing with that. I agree with the first comment about making sure to find other ways to boost his self-esteem. Try to focus on how you love his “manliness” in other areas, and find opportunities to point those out to him. I’m not sure if you are both comfortable with finding other ways to be sexually intimate, but if so, I’d make a point to do that. The advice I have is limited, because I’m not sure as to how and to what extent this is affecting you, the wife, and that would definitely shape any advice I’d give. As always, pray for him, and seek God’s leading. Don’t give up, the situation can get better!
I’m not a doctor, but I know that ED can be caused by health problems like diabetes. Even if you think this to be unlikely it is worth having a blood glucose test just to make sure.
I’ve had a lot of success with couples facing this with this approach…
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/the-male-chastity-low-testosterone-workaround/
And her husband needs a full medical workup. ED is a very serious poor health indicator and you should always be worried about potential heart disease.
Absolutely: I just want to echo Athol here. Some of the first signs of heart disease or kidney disease is ED, so please, don’t just put up with it in private! Go talk to a doctor. Trust me, they’re totally used to it, and won’t make it embarrassing!
I don’t have any grand words of wisdom, but I can definitely empathize…and sometimes that means a lot. My husband of 2 years was in a car accident 10 years ago which left him with injuries to his pelvic region. Needless to say, it definitely makes our sex life a challenge. I don’t even remember the last time we were able to bring him “all the way,” and because of the trouble we have my husband to is almost afraid to even try sometimes. We always try to focus on the positives after we have sex…if it felt good, if we had fun, if we tried something new, if we feel closer…then we deem the experience a success. We are also trying the medicine route, and have started praying (very boldly and specifically I might add!) that God will work in this area of our relationship. Some days it feels like it would be so much easier just to agree that we don’t need that part of our relationship, but I know what God intended for marriage and I refuse to believe he won’t help us find a way to achieve sexual intimacy. God has challenged me to pray consistently and fervently for my husband, to pursue him sexually even when he shys away, to submit to him as the authority of our household, and to encourage him as a man daily. There are times I fail, but I am seeing Gods hand at work and know that He shines through our weaknesses. All that to say, you are not alone…and it’s reassuring to know that I’m not either.
This type of issue is actually going on right now in my marriage, but we seem to have found things that work. First of all, like Heather said, we don’t make him having an orgasm the definition of what makes up successful “activities,” because often he can’t orgasm. Instead, again as Heather said, we focus on how good it felt and how much closer it brought us together. He used to be afraid to try, and was ashamed every time he did try and couldn’t orgasm. In that case, you have to let your attitude influence his attitude. I always praise him excessively for his performance – because honestly he is incredible in bed! he always amazes me! – and let him now how much he satisfied me. That has boosted his confidence a lot, so that now he will try even if he thinks he may not orgasm – and we have found that if we try often, he has a greater chance of having an orgasm at some point, because it’s easier sometimes than it normally is, we just never know when that is going to be. And because he sometimes has trouble getting an erection, I tend to walk around naked or in underwear so he can see me, and we’re very touchy-feely. He constantly has his hands all over me, and I do a lot of caressing down in “that area.” I realize that won’t work in most cases of ED, but it does work for us. The main thing is that we finally broke down the barrier of shame that he felt, so that he feels confident and free and like a man even if he doesn’t have an orgasm or has trouble getting an erection – and that makes it easier for him to do both. Make sure that every word you say to him lifts him up and boosts his confidence – and don’t just use words, use a tone of voice that encourages him and makes him feel like a man, use body language, use attitude, use actions. Men are brainwashed into so many untruths regarding their penises and sex – just like women are brainwashed about our bodies. It’s important in a marriage to replace the lies with truth.
On a practical note, http://www.rejoyn.com/ has several non-prescription products that can help. These are mechanical, and will work to some degree for every man, every time. Not everyone likes the feel of the erection that results, but some couples are very happy with the results.
I agree that a trip to the doctor is in order FIRST. They should check for signs of heart disease, high blood pressure, thyroid or blood sugar issues, and check a testosterone level (and free T). Anything that is found needs to be medically addressed.
I will say that my husband is on Androgel for low testosterone. It has really helped his overall mood/health, etc. It took several doctors to find one that would take this seriously and perscribe the meds. Even one endocrinologist thought it was “no big deal” to have the Testosterone level of a 90+ year old man when in your early 40s.
The androgel and the Cialis has helped some but it doesn’t always work and it takes more time to be “ready”. Certain positions are easier than others when things aren’t as firm as they used to be.
I would strongly caution any woman though from discussing this very sensitive issue with anyone in “real life” outside of the doctor and her husband. It could be terrible for her husband to find out that 3 of his wife’s friends and his mother in law all know about his trouble in the bedroom.
Continue to affirm your love for your husband and that you are glad you married him. Focus on his positive traits both in and out of the bedroom.
I am trying to put Eph5:25-30 into practice, I admit years after I should have done, but now that I put my wife’s needs/desires ahead of my own love making is much easier and more fulfilling. I have ED (age 73). I use medication with no apparent side effects which lasts about 36 hours. Recently we made love about 30 hours after taking the pill. (The reasons why not sooner are too personal to detail). It was wonderful. Next morning, beyond 36 hours, I had to get up to do various chores before my wife was awake. I returned to bed just before she awoke. My intention was merely to kiss and cuddle then get up but we ended up making love again and it was just as wonderful. In the past the pill has not been so effective and I am sure that it is my change in attitude which has led to the improvement.
I can certainly empathize with this reader since my husband and I are battling this. I echo all of the medical concerns as well BUT please be aware that medications that treat high blood pressure, diabetes and other ailments can and do cause ED, My husband has both diabetes and high blood pressure so several of his medications contribute to his ED. You first must realize that to be intimate doesn’t always mean intercourse and you as a couple have to both realize that. Let him know that you desire any and all kinds of sex from him be it oral or manual. I know that this is a hot button for some but sex toys have be a blessing for us so consider that as well. ED drugs are only about effective for 80% for the men and some men do respond to the pump. Check your insurance since some will cover it all or part of the cost or the pump. Another thing is to talk about being intimate to your husband – be explicit and indulge in verbal pictures- write notes/texts. Schedule intimate times. touch often and kiss often. Be frank with each other! Read books about ED and marital intimacy. Douglas Rosenau, David Schnarch, Barry McCarthy have all written books that deal in part with ED issues and marital intimacy.
Finally be aware that being intimate is supposed to be fun and all about pleasure and not always about orgasm so indulge each other.
After being married 30 years ( we both are in our late 40’s), we are still having fun but having ED is not just a man’s problem but a couples’ problem. We spent the last 4 years avoiding being intimate but now after some serious chasing from me we have a great time being intimate with each other. We still haven’t had intercourse (its been almost 7 years for us) but we have great sex! So hang in there – look at getting healthy and enjoy sex in all its God given forms.
So much good advice here. And you’re not alone! My husband and I have never had sex (ever), in three years. Obviously, I can’t write from a point of success yet, but I can empathize, and share what we’re finding is helping us towards it.
If you haven’t already, I suggest considering whether anxiety or depression (overall, not just about sexual performance) could a factor. In our case, my husband has always struggled with anxiety, and manifested itself as anxiety about his sexual abilities, which has made it difficult to get an erection, which in turn intensifies the anxiety…and so the cycle continues and spirals.
It’s so frustrating, can feel so lonely, and can take such a huge toll on the self-esteem of both: men are trained to think they should get erections at the drop of a hat (or dress, I guess) and women are trained to think that the second a man sees a bit of skin, if not before, he’ll be turned on and ready to go, so when this doesn’t happen, it can make us feel inferior.
More recently, we have been focusing on intimacy that doesn’t require an erection: there’s manual and oral; also, nongenital touch can feel very good, and it can be fun to find and explore those sensitive zones that could otherwise be overlooked. Although actual intercourse is still our goal, just being together, naked, and enjoying some connection with each other is providing both an emotional connection and physical pleasure, which I is taking a lot of pressure off, and boosting his confidence. It’s providing a stepping-stone towards overcoming ED (hopefully) while we figure out whether the root cause is physical or mental, and move forward from there. It’s also given me that boost and encouragement to continue to be patient and to be able to continue to encourage and reassure him.
Be encouraged, and know that you are not alone in this struggle…many of us are facing the same, and I’m thankful to have a forum where open discussion and support can happen.