Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks about different schedules and trying to get in sync with her spouse.
The primary purpose of my email is to ask you about making and keeping a schedule. We’ve been married a little over two years (we’re waiting a few more years before we think about kids) and my husband and I have always been on opposite schedules. Either I was working evenings and he worked days, or I worked days and he worked overnight, or now he works late evenings and I work early mornings (about 6am to around noon or sometimes later). Right now, I have to go to bed halfway through his dinner break and I go to work and get back, usually, before he’s awake. This only gives us a few hours a day together. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression and am no longer on medication (for which I am VERY thankful), but one of the things I need to stay level is a schedule. I’m wondering what advice you could give me about have some sort of schedule so my husband and I can feel more in sync.
What advice would you give to help this couple?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think you should find a different job so that you can spend several hours a day with your husband. I know that is a big move and a huge sacrifice to tell someone I don’t know, but it is THAT important. Marriage comes before career. Being without each other is putting both of you at high risks of temptations and of growing apart.
We’re kind of going through some of this now. And we do have a child too. Which is mainly why we’re doing opposing shifts so we don’t spend on child care. It has been hard… very hard… This is what works for us. My husband texts me his schedule each week. I made a simple 2-column document in Word where I put my schedule in one color and his schedule in another (sounds complicated but it only takes 3 minutes of my time to color the squares in). I also allow for travel time. I then clearly see where our schedules overlap and we need to find child care – but I also see where we have time together. We make sure we try to get at least one day or part of the day off together so we have some family time at least once a week. It takes a bit of thinking ahead – but it does work. We have to get creative about having sex and also doing house chores (like cleaning) – but it’s working if you’re determined to make it work.
My husband has worked an odd shift, often including Saturdays, for the past six years, so I can relate to what it feels like when your life is not on the same schedule… not only with each other, but also with the majority of society. The norm in society is M-F, 8-5, so when you have one or both spouses outside that norm, it can be exhausting and honestly, somewhat lonely.
I agree with Sis’ suggestion that if you can make a job change that would better coordinate your schedules, that would be great.
If that is not an option or if it’s simply not an option right now, my suggestion is that you become extremely protective of the time you do have together… that means that those few hours you have together, try to shut down the electronics, avoid running errands, and truly focus on each other.
Another suggestion is try to set up routines for the “maintenance” stuff in life… things like cleaning the house, grocery shopping, running errands, etc. If you can try to do these things on somewhat of a regular schedule when you and your spouse are apart, that will mean you will be less distracted when you are together. This wouldn’t mean all this stuff would fall to you. Your husband can handle some of the errands and maintenance stuff when you are at work as well.
Lastly, I would encourage you to make sure you have at least 2-3 solid friendships with other women. Connecting with them to talk, pray, laugh, etc., when your husband is at work is a great way to keep your spirits up, etc.
Hope this is helpful!
My husband and I work opposite shifts. I work nights & he works evening shift. Neither of us work weekends so we catch up then. It’s just NOT an option to find a new job. Not so easy to do in today’s economy nor would I recommend it.
It’s not always possible to find another job. Where my mom works, they received 2,000 applications for one available job, pushing carts in the parking lot part-time. People with master’s degrees and doctorate degrees applied for that job. IF it’s possible to find jobs where your schedules match up, yes, that’s ideal. But in today’s world…..it’s not always possible.
What I would suggest is for both of you to request the same day off each week. So, maybe both of you could say that you can’t work on Sundays, and you can have one entire day each week to spend together.
Prayer is definitely the first step. Seek God and ask Him what He thinks because He definitely has an opinion on your situation. I think it’s wise in your case to hold off on kids until you get to spend more time together. We waited for 8 years before having our first and it helped us to learn a lot about one another.
While it’s easy for me to tell you to look for another job, I wouldn’t rush to do that because if you don’t have another money making opportunity lined up, that could cause a financial strain on your marriage and make things worse.
On the other hand, there are some other things to think about before considering that option. For instance, do you have the same days off? If not, maybe you could try to see if your bosses will switch your days off so you can have 2 full days together. Maybe you could take a mini vacation together each quarter, even if it’s just spending time at home together. Whatever time you do have together, spend it showing love and respect to your husband. While there are some things that must be addressed in marriage that can cause conflict, have fun and make the few moments you have happy and special. Get creative girl! 🙂
This is not an easy situation, but I believe with prayer and communication, the two of you can be creative and figure out some great options that will work for you so you can spend time together and enhance your marriage. 🙂
I know I know I know this economy is so hard. My husband was out of a job for a year until April. We lived in my parents extra 3 bedrooms with our seven kids. For a YEAR. I totally get that this is not an economy that leaves many with choices if they have debt. But you know what I dreamed of that whole year? Being able to unplug, leave society’s expactations behind, and live on our own little parcel of land where hubby and I would work together. We would have all day together and what we needed would come from the land and what we sold from what we raised on it. Sound crazy? In this day and age, maybe! But it wasn’t so long ago that this was the expected way to live. How far we’ve come that now we are dependent on someone else to pay us. My feeling is that this modern, technological society has enslaved us with debt and having to leave our families to work.
This is not at all to say you’ve done anything wrong–not at all! This is the way we live now: both spouses work and the day we live in demands that we spend more time at work than we do with those we love. But if *i* could do it all over again? We would not have incurred any debt and would have bought land as soon as we got married, or at least before having children. We would have worked towards building ourselselves a house debt free on that land. Then, staying debt free, we would have been able to bring our children up in a home where they knew dedication and hard work could gain them the freedom to be together as much as they wanted, provided they kept a simple lifestyle. This is probably no one’s dream but mine! Lol. What I am saying is that THIS is the time to prayerfully make your life what you it to be. You have no children and you both have jobs. You could conceivably work towards making your future anything you want it to be so that, even though it may not be that way now, you would have the power to say what you want to do with your day. I would suggest talking with hubby about where you guys see yourselves 5 years from now, 10 years from now, etc. if you want to have more time together, make a plan to make it happen. You guys have a lot of familial freedom right now, so make it work to your advantage. Having a big dream to work towards together could also bring you closer!
It is my dream, too. Raise our own food. A greenhouse, some chickens. Take a couple deer each year. And a big yard for the kids to play. I find myself browsing real estate listings all the time. Sigh.
I am fortunate enough to be a SAHM to our 2 (soon to be 3) kids, but my husband works a swing shift from 4:30 pm to 3:00 am four nights a week. He goes to bed as me and the girls are getting up and wakes up right before he has to leave, so 4 days a week I am on my own. We miss each other a LOT during the week and text a lot and are very covetous of our time together when he is home. It has definitely helped us appreciate the time we do have- we no longer just watch movies together after the girls are down to bed, we play games and talk and enjoy each other’s company. We’re pretty picky about what we plan to do during his time off and don’t schedule a lot at all, unless it’s together as a family.
I would sit down with your husband and discuss the situation and see what he wants to do. Are you both constantly frustrated that your time together is so small? Would he be open to one or both of you switching jobs or seeing if you can do some work from home?
I guess I don’t understand whether the question is about how to get more time together or what to do with the time together you do have.
My husband and I were there. And in some ways still are. I think it’s important to remember that EVERY couple and then (eventually) EVERY family will operate differently–right down to the schedule you have in your house. And that schedule will change with the years. When my husband and I were first married, I worked VERY early mornings til noon, and just as I got home, he went to work in the afternoon until the evening. We did have Sunday off together, but other than that, we had Wednesday morning when I didn’t have to go in til later. And strange as it may sound, my favorite memories of that time are those Wednesday mornings when we would play Mario Party on his Nintendo 64 (that my parents had given him when we got engaged) and laugh the whole time. It was only a few hours and they were precious. I look on them with great fondness. But at the time, it didn’t look all that hugely significant. We weren’t having deep theological discussions (unless it happened because Bowser was stealing a star from us) or worrying about how tight our funds were and we couldn’t go anywhere or staring into each other’s eyes and quoting poetry. We were doing something we could afford TOGETHER that was FUN (even if video games aren’t my particular go to fun thing to do).
Then our schedule changed a few months later as I found a full time job, but he was still working late afternoon/evenings. We lost our Wednesday mornings, but gained Friday evenings. And then ever since our first anniversary, his schedule has changed every semester as he teaches at a junior college. It’s settled down some now, but that is over 10 years and 2 kids later. And he still works evenings.
I guess my point is this. Treasure the few hours you have now together and don’t try to sweat too much that your schedule isn’t “normal.” Not every couple’s/family’s schedule will fit what society refers to as normal. So work within what you have, enjoy it, treasure it, savor it, and try not to sweat that it’s different. Will you still be lonely sometimes? Yes. That can never be completely removed because you can’t spend 100% of your day with your husband. The other duties and responsibilities of life and caring and providing for a husband/wife (and eventually a family in your case) take up time. But, if you stress and try to quantify how many hours you have together every week, you’ll make yourself insane. Go with the hours you have. If you can get the same day off, GREAT! And if you end up doing the grocery shopping and errand running together on that one day, that’s time spent together too. That’s GREAT! If it’s seeing who can clean the bathroom fastest, that’s GREAT too! If it’s just sitting and relaxing and doing nothing, that’s GREAT too! If it’s playing Monopoly, that’s GREAT! None of it has to be some major expensive or grandiose activity. Just BEING together will feel so nice.
What will feel “in sync” to you is bound to be different for a lot of other people. Make your own “in sync” feeling and routine. Your situation is rather unique because it sounds like you have rotating schedules and they’re not rotating the same way. Your feeling of being “in sync” will be unique too.
Hope that helps. Really, though, it does get better with the years. 🙂
I hear you! Currently, my husband works day shift (06-1430) M-F and I work 19-0730 on a very irregular schedule (I am a nurse, and am new to the job I am working, so I get last pick for schedules). Because of my own (mental) health issues, I need to keep on a fairly regular schedule. So I stay up all night by myself on my nights off and then always sleep during the day. It’s hard. Something that has seemed to help is each of us getting up a little bit earlier than we need to to make it out of the door barely on time; so when he works but I have the night off, he gets up early and we talk for a few minutes & try to read & pray together before he goes to work. When I work I try to get up a few minutes early so that we can sit down and eat together before I go to work. I try to not take on too much in the morning before I go to bed; it’s easy for me to stay up “late” into late morning, but then I have to sleep later into the evening, and it’s harder for me to see my husband before he has to go to bed (he has his own health issues, so he goes to bed pretty early). It’s less than ideal, but it’s what we have to do. Another thing that seems to help is to try, if you both happen to be home, to go to bed together, even if one of you isn’t going to sleep. On my nights off, I will go to bed with my husband and hold him for a little and then get up. On the weekends, he will go to bed with me in the morning and hold me for a little too.
(I used to have a day shift job, which was still a very irregular schedule, but at least it was day shift. But it was a very unhealthy situation (triggered a lot of PTSD issues, which not only made me miserable but also negatively impacted our relationship), and we both agreed that I needed to find another job – knowing that that would mean going back to night shift. But even when I was on day shift, his job made him switch schedules a lot, so he would go from an early morning shift (start 05) to an evening shift (getting off at 2230) and everything inbetween, so we were often mis-matched then too).
My husband and I often work different schedules, so we did 2 things to ensure that we would have time together:
1) I requested that I start work an hour later so that I could stay up later at night waiting for him to get home. My job was more than happy to let me do that because it benefitted them too.
2) I live fairly close to work, so I come home during my lunch break for regular nooners. It isn’t going to be the longest or most quality sex, but it hits the spot to connect us and let us enjoy some time together. It’s an important part of our connection strategy. And I do say strategy, because we have planned out intentionally how we can connect. We schedule sex more often than not, and it really helps us both be ready for it and know that our next connection time is around the corner.
I know where you are coming from. My husband works 10:30pm to 7am. So I see him from 7:30 am-8:30am and then he sleeps usu from 11 or noon to 8 or 9pm. He just can’t get to sleep any earlier, or he’ll wake up, and that’s not good. So we see each other from 8 or 9-9:45pm. He has Fridays and Saturdays off and goes in Sunday night (Sun-Thurs nights). No advice, I just know what you are going through. I have 3 kids also, so it’s hard when school starts, to be the parent who has to make sure all the homework gets done and all the chores etc.
My advice is two part. The first is that one of the primary reasons that my parents’ marriage deteriorated was because they rarely saw each other. Dad worked second shift (going in around 2 or 3 until midnight) and Mom worked a standard 9 to 5.
But on the flip side, you have to realize if you are a morning or night person. My husband is a night person, I am a morning person. He tried desperately during seminary to go to bed with me b/c that was suggested by various people as a way to keep your marriage solid during school. Eventually I told him it was okay not to go to sleep the same time that I do and things were much better for him.
But you definitely want to figure that out before kids come along.
My husband and I have never had the same schedule in 30 years of marriage. Just recently we have scheduled sex and couple time. It takes a commitment from both partners. Also find ways to communicate. If you both have cell phones either text or phone a message to each other. Write notes to each other. Set aside a time to just get away from it all. Go on regular date nights.
We have 3 kids that I homeschool so making that commitment to be together takes a lot of thinking about his schedule and my schedule as well as some creative thinking.