How do you have sex when you’ve got teens in the house?
After all, the problem with teenagers is that they go to bed really late.
And as parents, once you hit that almost-middle-age phase, you start to decide between two possible activities based on which one will get you to sleep the fastest. We like hitting the sack early.
This poses a rather tricky problem when teens naturally stay up until midnight and you want to be in bed by 10–and still want to be able to make love to your spouse. How do you keep your sex life with your husband alive when your kids are night owls?
1. Encourage Regular Activities
When my oldest daughter got her driver’s license, we rejoiced, and not just because now she could be the one running out to get that last minute quart of milk. We rejoiced because now she could be the one to drive her and her sister to youth group. That gave us four hours straight with both kids out of the house every week! It became our date night. We’d go out for dinner–or else cook something simple. We’d watch a movie. And then we’d have time to get affectionate before the kids were home. And we could be as loud as we wanted!
If you have younger children as well as teens, let those younger ones use “youth group night” as their evening a week to watch a special DVD. But snatch that time you do have together, without teens!
2. Enforce the “Be In Your Room” Rule
We have always told our children that they have to be in their rooms by 10:00. They don’t have to sleep, but they do need to be settling in for the night. They need the downtime, and we need the alone time.
3. Turn up the Radio
The teenage years are perfect years for developing a taste for jazz. Or for R&B. Or basically anything that can set a mood but still give you some background noise. If you’re nervous about what they’ll hear, then just make a habit of playing music whenever you’re in your bedroom. If you play it at different times of day, too, they won’t always suspect what you’re doing.
4. Realize that Discovery is Not the Worst Thing in the World
Here’s the hardest step: accept that one day you may “get caught”. My husband remembers his parents retreating to their bedroom in the early evening and locking the door at times. He knew what was going on, and in retrospect he says it made him feel safe. He liked the fact that his parents still wanted each other.
Your kids likely don’t want to be told what you’re doing. But if they happen to suspect it, it really isn’t that bad. It’s only mortifying if you let it be mortifying.
So don’t worry too much about being silent as mice. If they find out what you’re doing, what they’re really discovering is that God created sex to be a beautiful thing in marriage. And given our culture’s negative messages about sex, that’s actually an important lesson to learn.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We have a 16 year old who doesn’t go out much but who we have been open with. She knows that I read your book. She knows that it is an important part of our marriage. She obviously gets grossed out when she “suspects” what’s going on but I think it’s a good thing that she knows that sex is even better as you get older and are married. She’s made a huge mistake (getting pregnant and having a baby) and has matured and now wants to wait until she is married.
I think it’s easier for her to wait now, knowing that she has all the time in the world to enjoy it later. She’s in that instant gratification generation and is learning now that waiting can be a good thing.
My parents’ bedroom adjoined mine and I remember hearing them squeaking the bed and so on. Ugh! Lol!! Funny how sex is either perceived as gross or great. On a tangent, I told hubby how people have no problem watching sex scenes in movies, but if we were to walk in on a couple, we’d probably be embarrassed and even grossed out!
I don’t have teens yet, but my oldest knows we have “mommy and daddy time.”. That ranges from sleeping in, to chit chat, to cuddling, to boom chicka wow wow. We live in a very small house, so white noise is our friend.
I heard a speaker once talk about their “9:00 in the room” rule. When her oldest turned 14 or 15, he decided he was going to stay out with them. She said she told him, “That’s fine, but in about 3 minutes I’m going to stop being a Mom and start being a wife.” He left without a problem! 🙂
Oh, that totally just cracked me up! That was an awesome comeback for that mom!
My 13 year old daughter makes references to our alone time, which at first mortified me. Even though she knows that when the bedroom door is shut, that dad and mom need to have alone time to talk or ‘whatever’, she still comes banging on the door to interrupt us.
We were finding more ‘free time’ as our kiddos turned into teenagers. Now, we have a baby on the way, and it’ll be more of a challenge.
We’ve been having “morning-cuddle time” … the kids, ages 5-12, are still sleeping and we find that we’re more energetic. And you can see each other! 🙂 Nothing like dessert before coffee! 😉
I love all of this advice! I laughed at, “and we could be as loud as we wanted!” 🙂
I love #4! No, being found is not the worst thing in the world. Actually, it’s kind of a fortuitous accident when it does happen. What better way to mentor! I pray the teens of today witness godly satisfying marriages so that they in turn will create a generation of less divorce.
We don’t have kids yet..but we have nieces dropping by once in a while! I so agree with #4. In matters of affection, my little niece keeps wondering why we don’t call each other by our real names, she finds our ‘baby’, ‘sweet’ really funny! it may be a ‘wonderment’ now but i know it’s teaching deeper things.
great post sheila, as always!
We just close the door and in that sense are quite open about it. We think it is good for our teen to know we still love each other enough to want to be sexually intimate, and that it is good for him to know his parents still love each other. In biblical days when parents slept in the same bed or same room as their parents, it would be quite natural for children to hear their parents making love anyway (probably behind a curtain) A lot of it is to do with some false Christian attitudes to sex. Also in some cultures today and in some poorer sects of society it is not uncommon for children to be in the same room while their parents make love screened behind a curtain and so sex noises – even if kept to a minimum – might still be heard as I read once in an autobiography – children just accept it as a perfectly natural thing in these cases. However privacy is best, but just saying maybe its more to do with our own views of sex.
I love this! Great post!
Kids are in bedrooms at a certain time and we watch movies, whether or not anything goes on. It is just spending time together. We do lock our door not that the kids walked in on us. Knock first. Our rooms are also on opposite ends of the house. But our house is small. Our kids never seem to react if they knew. I think it helps them feel secure.
My husband is freelance and many times is home during the day. Afternoons can be delightful 🙂
We have five children in our home ranging from 13-20. They stay up and we go to our room on some nights. Before we go I say my “good nights” giving all hugs and kisses. A couple of them kept knocking on our door to say their “good nights” again when they were ready to go to bed (I think out of curiosity but also because they’re pretty egocentric at this age). Needless to say it was never a good time for us. It was frustrating and killed “the mood”. Finally, one night instead of putting on my robe before going to the door, I opened it wearing my “wifey” pj’s. I wasn’t exposed in any way but the site of me wearing something other than my flannel pj pants and oversized tshirt was enough to ensure that they haven’t knocked on the door since:-) Time together isn’t easy at this season of our life but it is very important. Thanks Sheila for always being an encourager to honor the Lord in our marriage.
To offer a slightly different perspective: I am in my twenties now and living at home, and I wish so much that I knew my parents did want and have ‘couple time’. Certainly nothing graphic–but if they kissed like they meant it, even every few days, or occasionally went to bed somewhere around the same time without falling asleep on the couch first, or any little hints that they are happily married–I would feel so much more secure. I wholeheartedly approve of discretion, but please do remember that children can be greatly reassured by the knowledge that their parents are happy.
Just to offer another perspective, when I was a teen my dad was always groping my mom in front of us kids and on several occasions they would lock themselves in their room in the middle of the afternoon with me left to take care of the others (I’m the oldest of four). Whenever one of us would bang on their door with something we needed or someone calling for them we were always told to go away. And yes I did catch them once. I always felt very disrespected, even as a child, by their behavior. Even today it makes me angry at how selfish and rude their behavior seemed.
Yes, I do think that’s over the top. There’s a difference between “It’s happening and the kids may hear” and “I’m going to do whatever I want even if the kids hear and let’s flaunt it in front of them.” One considers the kids but realizes that you can’t completely be secret; the other doesn’t even take the kids into consideration. You’re right; we should consider the children!
My parents never hid what they were doing. As a teen my parents used my room & my dad would walk out in his underwear. Needless to say I was scarred in a very unhealthy way.
Oh, that is SO inappropriate! It’s one thing for your kids to know that something is happening; it’s totally another thing to flaunt it. And in your room? Oh, dear.
That’s sick Amy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I think that’s actually abusive. 🤔
Having everyone in bed at 10 is not realistic. Our oldest often had group projects ( He had AP classes he took online. He was homeschooled.) that he worked on with other kids. Our youngest gets home from play practice at 8:30/9 and often has homework. She has a school issued laptop that only works when connected to the internet. She is often having to do homework well past 10 often going to bed at midnight.
Our kids know. In fact, I think they think we do it much more than we do. We had to cut out Sunday afternoon naps when they found out. It was just too awkward and they were making jokes. I have trouble being quiet…totally kills the mood for us. Daughter walked in on us once. She apologized as she said she knew she should have knocked. ( Somehow we didn’t lock it that night…)
At this point. I don’t care. Just too much work. Maybe when she graduates, but I doubt it.
Great advice! Easier said than done sometimes tho. lol in theory it sounds fine if they know or hear. In reality it really is a distraction. :p
Lol sheila-I’ll one up you. We currently live in a travel trailer with our teenager. 😳 And he found it fun to tell me the camper shakes…ten said he knows that’s what married people do so it’s not a big deal. Ummmm….maybe not to him. Haha
I guess I am in the minority here… I am in my late twenties and am married myself with a daughter. My parents are still happily married. I could always appreciate when they would hold hands or share a kiss however I never wanted to think about them being intimate. It is just way too weird for me. I really appreciate that growing up they took great care in not flaunting it in any way. It was actually a comfort knowing I probably wouldn’t ever accidently walk in on them. It felt respectful that they knew it was a very intimate thing and took measures to make sure it stayed an intimate thing. There were a few instances where I did suspect it, but it was never thrown in my face and I felt calm knowing they took great care in keeping it private. We plan to take the same approach in our marriage as I never want to make my daughter feel uncomfortable. Kids like to know their parents love each other but really don’t like knowing the gory details 😉. I am not saying you have to go to extremes to hide it, but parents should be respectful to their kids and do what they can to keep it a private matter.
I’m so glad to read your comment as I was feeling like I was the only one not on the same page as everyone else. 🙂 It is supposed to be intimate and therefore I wouldn’t want my kids or anyone else knowing what’s going on. I wouldn’t want my kids know that at home just like if we were camping with friends I wouldn’t want them to know what was going on. I would feel like it wasn’t a private moment and that I was being somewhat rude in expecting them to just put up with knowing what they are hearing.
I feel very uncomfortable when it comes to my teen son listening to us while
having sex. Any ideas to block the noise besides the T.V. or playing music? I thought of white sound machines but they don’t seem to cover well the noise. Any ideas or good white sound machines?
Maybe a fan? The thing is that most teens today tend to spend their evenings with their headphones in watching a show or listening to music. If your son does that, then it’s pretty likely that he’s not listening to you at all!