Blessed with a Wild Child?
I lovingly refer to our difficult first son as the wild-child. Faced with a group of moms, I can usually gauge who has a wild-child by watching her reaction to this sentence. “Well, you just make them do it,” meaning an authoritative parenting style is used in instructing the child how to behave. Mom’s with a wild-child will raise their eyebrows, look me straight on, and with much sarcasm say, “yeah, right.”
One in twenty children is labeled as having a difficult temperament (Thomas & Chess, 1977). This disposition can display:
1. Extreme emotional reactions (meltdowns)
2. Negative response to new situations (hard time adjusting)
3. Not easy to please
4. Bad moods
5. Hypersensitivity to loud noises, clothing irritants, food textures/tastes.
These children can also exhibit high IQ’s and creativity. Thus, difficult temperaments may also be called the ‘artistic temperament.’ Within this difficult temperament there may be other specific disorders.
During the early years of my oldest son’s life, it seemed all we could do was hold on for the ride. At 9, he said he wanted to die on several occasions. At 11, he was provoked and choked a fellow student. At 13, he jumped from a two-story ledge for fun and broke both bones of both legs six inches above his ankles. He was handcuffed and put in a paddy wagon at age 15. And yet, he won first place for his Drug Awareness speech. He won an award for the most volunteer hours at a local nursing home. He was certified as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) his senior year of high school. He taught himself to play guitar and now in his mid-20’s composes soft jazz to play at local restaurants.
My husband and I gave him knowledge of God’s Word and Jesus’ love through our words at home, Bible class, camps and youth rallies. Homelife had structure. I only worked part-time. His father and I tried to work as a team in parenting. But, we never had control. We lived in a world of extremes. Each morning, I held my breath wondering what the day would hold. Each night, I collapsed in bed weary from mental exhaustion.
The good news is we all survived. Our wild-child evolved into a highly philosophical, kind young man who is beautifully quirky. God has allowed us to use our experiences in raising him to encourage those who are bewildered with their own difficult temperament child. I wish to impart some hope and tools for those who are still in the trenches.
NETWORK – If you notice discrepancies at an early age and behavior that is extreme, find other families who are dealing with similar issues. You will start to get a sense of who is dealing with a difficult child. Through sharing, you may gain awareness of effective therapists and much needed support.
ADVOCATE for yourself – Carefully consider if health care workers play down your concerns with your child’s behavior. If you have any inkling something is wrong, it probably is. Don’t let anyone question your ability as a parent. I loved when the Lord gave me the opportunity to gently clue in the clueless.
ADVOCATE for your child – My son was empowered when he saw that I was on his side when dealing with school problems. That’s not to say I condoned his behavior. When he saw that I was his representative and empathetic, he would take counsel better when we got home.
REMEMBER THE CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T REFLECT YOU – Your precious child was born with this temperament. You are separate and apart from the child. They make their own choices. (Please, remember this when they hit teen years.) Their behavior is NO indication that you are a bad parent.
PRAY
1. Relinquish Control – Relinquish control, gain freedom. I gave my wild-child over to the Lord daily. Inside or outside of my presence, I couldn’t control my child’s behavior. The Lord could protect him, calm his mind and help his decisions. The Lord was faithful with my trust in Him.
2. “How do I get through this, Lord?” – Although I couldn’t control the situations, I prayed God would give me the wisdom in how to proceed. God consistently put resources in our path at just the right moment (books, comments from strangers, good teachers, out of the blue suggestions.)
3. Hope – Daily ask for hope and the ability to see it. I needed daily reassurance of my child’s goodness. I knew that his behavior wasn’t bad, it was just outside of societies accepted norms. Still, I needed to see the tiniest bit of positive. I had to work with the Lord by being observant for the positive action. Even if it was just an instant of sharing kindly with his brothers or petting the dog lovingly. Those moments were my joy.
No Difficult Child in your life?
If you do not have the blessing of a difficult child, please remember this verse.
Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Nothing hurt my heart worse than a negative comment about my son, even out of ignorance. Parents of difficult children are beaten down enough by society and its behavioral standards. Don’t contribute to their weariness.
Final Hope
Wild-child parents, your life will never suffer from boredom. If you’ve given your child to the Lord, know that your child is going to grow into a productive godly adult. Never doubt it. However, you may have to shift your expectations of what that adult will be like. Frankly, I’ll take beautifully quirky over sedate seriousness anytime!
Pearl: The grittiness of life has helped shape Pearl. Her luster comes from layers of experience and HOPE from the beloved Word of God. Pearl has parented children with learning issues, has navigated the genepool of mental illness, and has dealt with marital conflict and sexual fulfillment issues. Pearl focuses on sexual intimacy and restoring waning female libido. She wishes to share HOPE with her beautiful readers to help them understand their men, marriage and sex. Swim on over to the oysterbed (www.oysterbed7.com) where the water is fine!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
That sounds like my son but he has Aspergers, high-functioning autism. He’s 9 and I’m a single parent with no help. It’s hard but the days keep moving so we have to too.
My child wasn’t quite so wild- no broken bones or arrests- but we did have some evictions and a repossessed car in his early adult years. I call him my “let go and let God” child because I learned early on that extrinsic motivators that worked on his sisters were useless to him. My wise pastor said, “No control = no responsibility,” a paraphrase of your “relinquish control” and “Your child’s behavior doesn’t reflect you.” I had to accept the fact that he made his own choices, and he has his own relationship with God. We set him up the best we could, but ultimately, he chooses. And now, at 26, he has come around nicely!
Thanks for sharing your heart, Pearl!
Thank you so much for that encouragement. I have an 18 yo daughter that strayed from home (when she turned 18, about 4 months ago, and hadn’t yet finished high school – she did finish though). We are praying that down the road the Lord will turn her back to the right path. She has to hit real life first. She was never a wild child, but this is her first ‘rebellion’. I think she is making some poor choices, but they are HER choices.
Thank-you! Sometimes my child is a wild child and sometimes she is not, but even if she wasn’t, I would be grateful for this. I grow so tired of hearing, “just be the parent”; “just make them do it” when it comes to discussions about parenting; even if it’s something that my child is easy about. My knee jerk reaction is that people who just have to “be the parent” probably are not doing very much actual parenting because they have the sort of kids who you just tell them “do this” and they do it. Sheesh, those kids could be raised by a robot, couldn’t they? I say this as someone who was famous in her little community for being just that child. I was always complacent. I just did what I was “supposed” to do. Why would I want to challenge authority? That’s bad! lol. Flashforward a couple of decades and I now have a child who says, “why not challenge authority? I’m just curious. Maybe there is another way to do this?” Of course when she is challenging me, it’s not easy to remember that. Also when she is just being a wild child it’s REALLY not easy. But that means I really do have BE A PARENT. In my view, a parent is someone who teaches and protects their children….in many, many ways. I have to teach her right from wrong, but I also have to teach her tolerance and teach her to accept others AND herself as individuals. Sounds easy on paper, but it’s not. The world is not black and white. There are exceptions to many things and there can be more than one way to do or learn something. In my role as a parent, I have to figure out how to teach my child in a way that she will understand and truly learn from so that when she leaves my home and faces a new challenge, not only will she know that she can look to God, but she will be able to use her critical thinking to work things out. A child who blindly follows may or may not know what to do if they weren’t already told or if it wasn’t in a book. Or they might be able to figure it out, but the point is, parents of more challenging children are very much being parents, too, and are usually putting a lot more work into it than those with easy peasy kiddos. So, if you see a child running around in the store and mom just seems to be allowing that child to get away with it, consider that maybe for that very hard working mom, her child running around HAPPILY where she can see her, as opposed to sitting in the cart fighting and being miserable, etc. to the point where sitting in the cart becomes dangerous or worse yet taking off or melting down may very well be a victory. And maybe said child has been sent on a “busy errand” to “help” mama find something because said child LOVES to help. OR even more simply put, as my daughter would say “think twice be nice” when you see a wild child.
I love ‘think twice be nice!’ It’s hard for those without the challenging child to look beyond the obvious. THANK YOU for your encouragement and understanding, Rachel
Thank you for this. I so desperately needed this encouragement this morning. My WILD CHILD is 10, and the ride so far has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I cannot imagine going through what I have endured without the love of my Father in heaven and my wonderful husband. No one understands what it is like (unless they have a wild child themselves), and yet I hang on to 2 Cor. 1:3-4 that someday, someday I will be able to comfort those with the comfort I have received. God has been so good to us — put people in our lives and in his life who love him and care for him — but it is still an incredibly lonely, exhausting place. My son is creative, smart, hysterically funny — and yet difficult doesn’t even begin to describe what I endure on a daily basis. I dread the teen years (hormones) with a fear I cannot explain. Thanks for the encouragement that we will survive. I can cling to that.
You WILL survive the teen years, Jenny, because God will continue to be faithful. I KNOW it! But, don’t look that far ahead…. Enjoy the present moments of HOPE when he is hysterically funny and when you are connecting with him.
This is beautiful. 🙂 My own mother always says “Your kids are individuals – parent them accordingly!” That’s something I really try to keep in mind. My firstborn, who is now 2 1/2, has been a very easy toddler – yeah, he has his moments, but overall? A very good listener and a very sweet little boy. It would be easy for me to take credit for that. But y’know what? Most of that is how God made him. It’s my job as his parent to get to know him so I can do my part to nurture and grow him into a healthy adult. So I can’t take credit for his behavior any more than I can blame a parent who was given a wild child.
Now, my 2nd baby, who is 3 months old? I already know he’s going to be different from his older brother. I can tell. He’s a very different baby! But when people say “Oh, you’re in for it! When the first one is good the second one is always a terror!” I just smile and say “I want my children to be whatever God wants them to be, and I will deal with whatever that means for me as a parent.”
I cannot thank you enough for posting this! It is what my discouraged heart needed to read today. Being the mom of a difficult child is an extremely isolating place to be. No one gets it. I am very often that sarcastic mom saying, ‘really? that’s all it takes, huh?’ Some of my friends are sympathetic but they don’t get it and therefore can’t do or say anything to help. Some people look at me like it is my fault my son is the way he is. Very rarely do I get someone who has been there, telling their story of survival. I’m beginning to realize that difficult children are rare.
I need to start looking at my son as a blessing and start loving him just as he is. I like what you said about just ‘hanging on for the ride’ because that’s exactly how it feels most days. I beg God to make something of my son, because sometimes it feels like there is no way I can reach his heart. My son has definitely tested and stretched me into learning to trust the Lord more, to REALLY trust him. In that way, I do see him as a huge blessing.
Anyway, I could ramble on forever since I have so many thoughts on the topic, but I am just really glad to have read this, and to realize that I truly am not alone, and that other mothers have been through this too. THANK YOU.
This is exactly what I wanted to say too, but you worded it way more eloquently than I could! Another big BLESS YOU and THANK YOU from another mom of
a spirited child!
Laura, I definitely understand you when you say no one understands. I have close friends that know all we go through and still try to give advice, thinking we aren’t strict enough, we don’t spank enough, etc. etc. It is very discouraging. I tend to not want to tell them things about him when I think I’m going to get that advice. Spanking doesn’t help, it makes it worse. I think it would be great to have some sort of support group on-line, whether it be a blog or on Facebook, or whatever. Some place where we could vent and get support, real advice and prayer.
There is much good in this that I appreciate and am encouraged by. Thank you for sharing. I also giggle a bit because I just told someone today about my wild one, “She’s met her match in me . . . . at least I hope!” (grin) She is definitely her own person, and I love her deeply, but control her? No way. Shape her and influence her? That’s my prayer!
This sounds like my son, who has Sensory Processing Disorder. Help from a behavioral therapist (more for me to learn how to interact and “deal” with my son) and an occupational therapist has begun to change things dramatically for our home!
Exhausted after a day of arguing with my wild child. Thanks for this – I needed it today.
This sounds just like my 9 yo! He has been ‘difficult’ from age 3 on. He was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, with possible OCD and anxiety. I seem to be getting encouragement all over the place lately. Just saw an article about The Angry Child also. Thanks for the tips on how to pray for him. I have not been very good at teaching him from the Bible. It’s just all I can do right now to deal with working, school, and him. I have also been blessed with a very easy going, affectionate, generally hard working 13 yo boy. So, I know it’s not just us (bad parenting). I am praying that God uses his difficulties now, to help him to become and extraordinary young man, as yours has. Thank you for giving us hope for the future!!!
It sounds like you’re describing an autistic child – a high functioning one like a child with Asbergers. Autism I”m very familiar with..most of my children are autistic to varying degrees (2 of these children are my step children).
Thank you for posting this! It has been a 4 year battle with my daughter. I am ashamed to say I thought something was wrong with her and actually felt little love towards her. I remember times checking on her and her older brother before I went to bed and kissing her brother, but not wanting to kiss her. It hurt me to feel this way and I cried out to the Lord. Oh, I have gotten loads of “advice.”. Spank her harder, longer, be firmer, blah blah blah…. My SIL recently offered to take her in to “work on her for me”. I recently decided that I, through God, know how to raise my daughter. I will be unwavering in her defense (not excusing). Many people will not understand, but that is ok. I have learned to love and be excited for and work with my daughter…..and understand her. She actually is a lot like me, except I internalized and she externalizes.
I can really appreciate this as well! I have two children who are very difficult to parent. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is 6. Then I have an 8 year old who doesn’t have those issues, but feels different and left out because of it. Most days are exhausting, and a big struggle to get through. Add to it that my husband has the same disorder, and I would be a basket case without the love and care of my Savior!:-) With God ALL things are possible….from surviving each day to thriving each day to making these little angels into awesome adults! I have to believe that, and cling to it! God is so good to help in our every time of need! Thanks for this post! It helps us know that we are not alone. There are a few people out there that actually do get it!:-)
I love your blog Sheila and also love when you are on the drew marshall show. I have a question I would personally like to ask you.. Can u email me so I can email you back or what is the easiest way?
Thanks
[email protected]
You mean it isn’t normal to restrain your sweet baboo?….. as he is yelling either “I’m going to kill her (big sister who provoked him)!” or lately “Help , police!” as he is being disciplined. Now he doesn’t do this for his father….or is as “bad” for those who say something, remember what they have said and there is no give in them. But I was the child that stared off into space, had no concept of time (still don’t, recently left a store and realised that it was 5PM, forgot about feeding everyone lunch – had snack for everyone – figured this could be why kids were melting down…. DUH!!!) So this STRUCTURE thing that everyone extols the virtuals of just doesn’t make sense to me, theoretically, I get it but…practically I start in the morning to get supper done etc. now I know that my kids would would benefit…but I guess they would need a different mother to have it happen, I don’t know if I can ever become that person.
My 10 yo is sweet until she takes the nasty pill as we walk in the door, my 8 yo he can be the most sweet and sensitive or NOT, as described above, the 4.5 yo she would stop nursing as a babe (prior to 9 months) if she was disturbed while feeding because she was mad about being interrupted – not much has changed, now the 4th, 2 months ago he was sweet – then he turned three….now he is trying out the all the tantrums and bad behavior that all the others do….which ones can he do and get away with …hee hee hee — no fun for me.
So, which one do you discipline first of the older two, the one provoking or the one chasing and threatening bodily harm? oh, and the little ones are getting into whatever they can when all this is goin on. I’m so ashamed for people to know who I am and where I live sometimes….I’m that mother with the wild kids….you know that house over there…she needs “the Nanny” to come and fix everything?….more fingure pointing. Doesn’t everybody tell their kids to get off the roof?…. almost flat shed roof… as the 8 yo is councilling the 3 yo to stay away from the edges and the 2 girls 10 and 4.5 are picking black berries….yes the list goes on…
Did you know that I am supposed to have them fed by 5 (oh is it getting dark? did I feed anybody?) everybody in bed by 8 maybe 9 at the latest (not supposed to be saying go to bed at 1 AM -I’m not sleepy…I don’t care just go to bed and stay there!)…..etc, etc.
So how do you stop the chaos and get more sleep? I hate living in it and so does my husband. I could go on and on (as you can tell)…. thanks for listening….
tired and want off the merry-go-round
Ann, you are not alone! We mom’s of difficult children tend to keep our mouths shut, because, like you said, ‘you are embarrassed for people to know.’ I just want you to have encouragement that it will slowly change and get better (slowly being the key word). Try to find HOPE. None of us have all the answers, PRAY for God to reveal ways you can cope, be healthy and get some sleep.
This post could not have come at a better time! My son is 22 and still living at home, doesn’t drive, isn’t in school (nor has he completed high school). He has ADD and learning disabilities but neither should be stopping him from being a productive, responsible adult. It’s been a struggle everyday to understand why he is the way he is and how I can help him. I married a wonderful man this past year who understands my son’s limitations. I’ve been having issues with my son when he is away at work. I understand the need to let go and let God at this time with him. Thank you so much for the encouragement to do what needs to be done.